UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
You’re not backsliding, just dealing as well as you can, take the pressure off yourself and have a good cry. What a jerk he was, to treat you that way.
Thank you..i just feel like I have been on this site forver and nothing is getting better. He was such a horrible person..i shared my life with him and just thrown away
You were definitely getting better. You even went away n had a nice time. Then you came back to a devil in disguise giving you info you should never had heard. You will keep having setbacks. Grief is like that.
You will regain your healing and go on.
There are probably very few ppl you should discuss your struggles with. To everyone else say, I just don’t care, when they start talking about him. And then walk away or hang up if they won’t shut their mouth. You would not allow someone to throw poison on you. You would leave first.
There is no worse poison then those words, that knowledge.
Aintgonnatakeitnomore, this most recent post of yours spoke directly to me. You are so right on in what you say, about a devil in disguise giving info we should have never heard, and that there are probably very few people we should discuss our struggles with.
This is a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again. I learned it in the months after the discard when false friends gave me info that I didn’t need to know full well knowing it would refresh my hurt anew, just when I was starting to take baby steps. I discussed things with people I shouldn’t have, and it came back to bite me later. In the last weeks, I’ve learned it again – having to distance myself from a trusted “friend” who suddenly began skewering me in every conversation we had with comments about what he had done and how much I had lost. Every time I’d get a f’en toehold, WHAM, she’d knock me back down with such a small, sad smile on her face following up with a comment about how she was my true friend and cares so much about me.
It’s hard enough without others actively working to trip us up. She was the last person from my past (and she disliked him immensely) and now she is out.
My life became very small as a result of what my ex did, and I’m ready to expand it out to include more people, both to build a new inner circle as well as a wide outer circle. Thank you for this timely reminder to walk away from the poison.
Taralav, from the outside looking in, you have been progressively getting better. There will be setbacks, two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes two steps forward, three steps back. But every day (every hour) is a process of healing and learning.
Looking back over my shoulder, I can remember days where I was certain I couldn’t go on a minute longer. But I did, and things got better. I can remember days when I never thought I’d get to where I am now. And when I get discouraged now, I am comforted knowing that in no time, the things that are bothering me now will be better too.
Hang in there.
Tara,
When my husband came clean with his activities, his first statement was “I’ve been living a double life for the last 20 years.”
20 years…he pretended to love me and my family while living another darker life for all those years. Sadly, it’s exactly what these people do. Your Guy is just as disordered. It’s not normal what he did to you. Maybe he’s bipolar, or a schizo,mor a narcissist, or a sociopath. Maybe not. But he is a GIANT A&&. A totally undesirable excuse of a person.
You didn’t cause what he did. Normal people don’t just up and leave without warning. He has a huge issue.
Sweetie, I hope you can rest tonight. I’m sorry you feel such sadness. I agree with Annette, you really need to get some intense treatment. You can do this. You are stronger than you realize.
Mine said, “I am an artificial husband” and “It’s all BS and you know it.” Thought I would die.
So interesting so compare stories….
My ex P shouted at me, “It’s (referring to our ‘marriage’) a charade and you know it!!!!”
NoContact…”artificial husband.” That is perfect! Wow. I know someone who is an artificial husband.
Ser
Me too! And he was so good at it that it screwed with my mind for 14 years….Thank God that’s over!
Also, my ex P ‘came clean’ with supposedly everything, but it was a fake confession of a little bit of this or that, usually something I had discovered anyway that he couldn’t keep denying. He drip fed me confessions for years that each time was supposedly everything with no more outstanding lies. What a joke and what a waste of my time. I eventually figured out that there is no way for me to know what he has or hasn’t done and is or isn’t doing. He is made of lies. I will probably never know the truth in this life.
Taralav, I understand you need to know he is a Spath. You need to know this to stop blaming you. Although deep down you so know yourself he is disordered, you still need proof. We have told you he has all the behaviours of one. You need to keep reading and it will suddenly sink in. You are not going to be able to get him professionally assessed! So assess him yourself as Donna did with her Spath and all of us did from our own education.
The hardest thing I’ve been doing is admitting to myself my partner of nearly 22 years is gay, and has behaviours of narcissistic personality disorder. All the past now makes sense. When you realise he is a spath, you too will have your answer – it wasn’t about you being not good enough. It was about him.
Bally- the reason I need to know for sure is because he blames me ..he emails and said he did this and this..he loves my mom..he loves my son..but he met this woman in October. October. We had thanksgiging together..Christmas..i took him to the rescue mission with me to feed the homeless..we had wonderful holidays I never saw any of this going on.
I feel so sad. so hurt.crushed. betrayed. I ask him over and over..why..why would you do this to me. He simply says it was his fault he was unfaithful and nothing more he can say. It is not a answer for me. We planned to move..3 weeks before he staged this argument to leave. I just cant deal with it..its killing my soul
He blames you because he’s a liar, accuser, exploiter and abuser; not because there’s anything wrong with you.
Tara the message we get is “I’m not good enough”. Any criticism we get in life translates to that. Fundamentally that is why it hurts because it hits our core. You, me, all of us need to replace that thought as it isn’t true.
I’ve been following your journey with you and you are a beautiful person. I think it would be useful for you to take a spiritual journey and work on your esteem. Work out your vulnerabilities and be aware if them. He knows what they are as he has pressed those buttons. When you know them you can control them better.
You do seem a lot stronger than you were a month or so ago. Time does not heal but taking action does. So work on you firstly.
Is there some way you can avoid reading his emails – the results will always be the same. I was forever hoping my ex P would communicate something different to me, that he would change. But year in year out it’s exactly the same, and has the same results. I think that you will sadly get the same useless and painful results every time you read an email from him.
Consider making no contact a priority. For many victims, that is the quickest path to recovery.
His behavior is soul killing. He made the choices he made because he has no soul. He does not love anything or anyone. If he loved anyone he would love you and he would do what love is – he would act in ways that enhance your wellbeing. It is pretty much impossible for normal people to understand the choices that spaths make.
Your mind is trying desperately to understand, to make sense of it, so you can have peace, but there is no understanding the willful choice of someone to betray and lie in order to exploit you. It’s not your fault, even if you made mistakes. People who are committed to telling the truth tell the truth regardless of what you do. You didn’t make him lie to you. It suited his purpose to do what he did, and that is the inexplicable choice he made.
You are in shock because you didn’t suspect anything so it’s all sudden to you. I threw up on and off for a couple of years when my ex P engaged in his torture sports and then reeled me in again for more. Vomiting, feeling like you can’t go on, is a normal reaction to his betrayal, lies, and abuse; and the huge loss you are experiencing in losing a future you counted on, his companionship and your role in giving love and affection to him, your relationship with his children. It is beyond devastating.
You have no choice but to live through it. It will fade, but it takes time. Life sucks in this present world, no doubt about it.
A couple of things to consider: Are you taking antidepressants? Sometimes, actually pretty often, they make one feel worse and really mess with one’s thoughts – they can cause you to feel more hopeless. This can be dangerous, and be contributing to how bad you feel. Consider checking in with your MD if you are taking anything. Antidepressants don’t always help with dealing with grief and shock, as well as can help with chronic depression. It’s an emotionally healthy response to suffer through grief when one has experienced a big loss.
Also consider that you should be feeling a bit better, a bit less raw as a few weeks go by. You won’t be over the loss, grieving takes time, I’ve heard a year is when many people begin to feel normal again after loss. Consider counseling, especially since you were so wronged – there are complex issues to work through, and for many of us who were targeted by spaths there are underlying Family of Origin issues that surface, and it’s a good time to work through them, too.
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. When I lost my first husband, and when I was dealing with the spath horrors (very different experiences), I took time off work and rested my mind and heart. Other folks prefer the distraction of work. Do whatever you need to do to to pamper yourself during this time. I spent a lot of time with friends and family in another state – it helped me to get away.
It does help to talk to a counselor one on one, maybe you are already seeing someone?
Take care of yourself, and keep us posted. Your description of how you feel reminds me how I felt at the worst – it was beyond awful. I’m so sorry that you, and anyone, has to suffer through it.
I am so hurt I cant understand.i wish after all the months on this site I could grasp this. He was SEEING HER in October..months went by I had no idea..no sign I just am sick. I woke up today just ill and had to throw up. He was coming back to our bed after being with her..lying to me telling my son he was coming home just needed some time. I just am beyond the point..of understanding.
I mean NOTHING to him. My years with him mean nothing..he planned and plotted a argument so he could leave. And he just did not come back..only a few nights a week he was cheating on her too!! I want him to pay for what hes done. No one sees it..i feel crazy I try to tell people who say “you need to move on” ” you need to get over it”
Its not that simple. It was not a normal breakup. It was months / years or lies and deceit. I just cant deal with this..he hates me? he is angry at ME..he said I exposed him to his childrens mothers..and that is off limits. What about what HE DID. I never hurt him..i never would do something like this.
If I ever had wanted to leave him..i would make sure he has a place to go and I would not just lie and cheat. I NEED THIS TO CLICK IN MY BRAIN!!!
Your description is accurate, it is the sad and sorry truth. There are people who do what he does, and they and their choices are responsible for the suffering in the world – wars, most disease. They are greedy and exploit others and when they get in a position of power in any organization from a community church to a nation, they cause suffering.
He doesn’t hate you, he isn’t angry. He is not normal and he does not care. All he cares about is himself and what he wants at the moment, which is not to be a decent man who can be proud of himself for loving and providing and protecting his family. He bitches about you talking with his children’s mom because it inconveniences him and exposes his evil. He wants to be seen as perfect so he can control people. He does not care about the well being of others, he has no sense of responsibility to anyone except whatever his momentary whim is, and wanting to be god and be worshiped by everyone.
He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, not just to you, but to everyone.
No one understands anymore than you understood before he revealed what cruelty he is capable of. I have found it very difficult to deal with the fact that only a few people really understand what my ex spath still is, and what he did to my son and me. I know God understands. Jesus was betrayed by His own church and by people He created, so He knows what betrayal is. Ultimately evil is Satan’s responsibility according to my theological understanding.
I think the truth is clicking in your brain, that is the source of your suffering.
It’s all a horror that should not be, but it is.
You can be glad you don’t understand. Who wants a mind that understands spath behavior?
Taralev
Here is something from my counsellor.
“I was just wanting to be a loving , supportive housewife and mother who could work part time to keep and contribute with the bills , all the whilst, my sociopath husband was plotting against me … This is normal desires for any woman wanting the best for her family . I have been lied to, cheated on, ignored and verbally abused. I was told I was crazy, I am imagining things, I am mentally ill and I have been blamed for anything that does not go in the right direction. I was the recipient of his mind games, even long after he discarded his family.”
So, once I initiated no contact , I won’t let him beat me down. I am going to continue getting to know myself and although it hurts like hell, I know I will be happier without him in my life.”
Please think about what you have been through and make the only choice you have. Let him go and love yourself.
Annette
You are so right. Who wants a mind like that ? One of the devils schemes is to try to discourage us and make us feel weak and helpless. Often the devil slides in a little insinuation, and then tries to build on it. The devil is a liar and the father of lies. He is constantly trying to place false and lying thoughts in our minds, and to take advantage of any false thoughts we may have.
Taralev. Focus on the present moment-not the past or the future. Our best weapon against lies, deception and confusion is to stand firm on God’s truth.
Annette-Bally-Kaya-Ser-Haneli-Hoping to heal..whoever I am forgetting who has written thank you. I feel like I get better..then slip right back. I go to work..but I come home to my home that was once full of life. I just don’t understand..yes- my brian is telling me ALL of you are right and have been thru it. But I am still stuck in this mode of “he was my best friend”
The fact I asked him to come home-Bally you are right..self esteem. Who would ask a man to come home who cheated. It is pathetic. Just like he called me. But why…why why why did he have to go to his job and start scouting out women. Really- I am not a loser. I know I have worth..i have a lot of things going for me.
I do know this much..I know I took care of him, his parents. ..he has turned them all against me. People break up he said..people get left at the alter.
I get it..i understand that. He said I look like a crazy obsessed ex. Yes- maybe I do. But I was lied so much I did nt even know I was a ex!! I didn’t know he was seeing her and me..6 years is nothing to what you all have..but I shared major things..deaths..kids..life. I sit here and still say I miss him. I miss my friend..my partner..i miss having my house full of life…I miss his kids.
I don’t know how to start over. I had planned to be his wife..he asked my father for my hand in marriage. I have a diamond he bought to make our ring. None of this was real..and its what I cant process
“People break up, People get left at the alter?” What the f@.......@@....... does that mean??? That he’s not the only one who does this crap makes it right? I’m thinking, ‘Cheaters and liars get shot and/or castrated by their victims…’
His behavior has NOTHING to do with you. It is who he is. You could be uglier, prettier, nicer, meaner, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. I was a better person in some ways when I was with the spath than when I was with my first husband. First husand was good to me because he was a good man. Spath lied, abused me, accused me, and left because he’s a pervert and a psychopath. I didn’t do anything different. Same with friends and family. I am still family with my late husband’s family, I am still friends with my late husband’s friends. My late husband’s family, all of them, accepted and loved the spath as part of the family when we married. It didn’t make a bit of difference. The spath’s family was nasty to me because of who they are. The spath does what he does because he’s a spath. What he does is what makes him a spath.
Consider that your house full of life is because of what you brought to it. Even though you were tricked, you brought light and life and happiness to your home when you did your part and filled your role. Even though he is gone, you take all those things with you. Your ex doesn’t have them; he didn’t take them. He just has lies, bad karma, and all he can do is try to trick someone else into giving him some happiness and life. He steals these things because he doesn’t have any in himself to give. You carry the life and happiness with you, despite the losses.
The good you did for him and his children becomes the good you are, and you take that with you wherever you go and whatever you do.
You did all the right things. 6 years is a long time. You had relationships with his children. He deceived you. There was nothing of substance beneath his antics. You did not deserve this. People don’t get what they deserve in this life, good or bad.
I have the feeling that you will one day be loved and appreciated by someone who deserves what you have to give. But right now you are where you are and must deal with what you have been dealt.
I found understanding of why my ex P does what he does and why God allows suffering in my spirituality. I found a measure of peace in my belief that God will fix the horrors and suffering of the world and establish justice according to His time and His plan.
Taralav, I too missed the house full of life, and I still do. But AnnettePK is so right that the house was full of life because of what you brought in. When I first met my ex, his home was unkempt, unwelcoming and not a pleasant place to spend time. It felt dead. Over time, with me in the picture, it was transformed into a bustling home with comfy spots, something good always cooking, people coming and going and lots of fresh air. It became a holiday gathering place for the family. His dogs greeted me joyfully when I walked in, and it irked him to no end because they ignored him. No wonder – I spoke to them with kindness, gave them treats, played with them and spent time with them outdoors while he was glued to the tv or computer screen.
It is us who made these houses full of life, and we will again. It takes time, and healing. It has been 3 years for me and I’m finally getting ready to think about that part of life beginning again.
Taralav,
We all have been in the place where we think we wish so much that things could go back to the security of true ignorance. But if we were back in that place, we would be miserable. I’m sure everyone here prayed for God to intervene and help us. I know I prayed that everyday for years. I wanted the chaos, the lies, manipulation and turmoil to end. I lived in fear of what was about to happen next.
So God spared me. And He has spared you. Right now, it’s the worst place ever. From my experience, the more I have contact, the longer the suffering goes on. There is no way to live in both the world of torture and at the same time be in the life of recovery. We must choose one or the other. It’s the letting go of the security of what we know, even if it’s awful, that messes with our heads.
When you think of a world that is existing with both good and evil, you realize that there has to be a defining break somewhere. There must be someplace where evil no longer has control, like a spiritual wall that can’t be crossed over . I truly believe that there are those who are called to stand next to that wall, to take the hits from the enemy that others may not be strong enough to take. These are the mightiest of good people. These are the warriors who can face the enemy and not back down. We are of these people. We stood next to the wall of hell and held our ground, hoping and praying for those we loved. But there came a point when God saw that we had done our best, we had fought a hard fight, we had stood for what is right, but that it was to be for no cause. The ones we fought for chose the evil side of the wall. So God pulled us back. He pulled back behind the lines of battle, to refresh us, to renew us, to nurture us.
We are severely injured, but we are Not defeated. We’ve been spared from having to fight that torturous battle for the rest of our lives. But we are a determined bunch. We are so strong and fierce. Many of us want to keep returning to the battle, to keep fighting for what is right in our eyes. But the battle in this area has changed. We are tired, worn out and need nurturing. There in lies the next battle we are to fight. For ourselves.
We’ve seen the edge of hell. Our eyes and souls have witnessed Almost more than we could bear. But we are still standing. We are Survivors, Warriors, the strong!
Tara, you are the person that God is looking after here. He has protected you from more than you can ever imagine. Now he wants to renew and revive your soul. He wants you to feel the refreshing new Good life he has waiting for you. It’s just ahead. To get to it, you have to stop returning to the battle that is over. Let go. Let go and allow yourself to be given a new better life. Evil didn’t win, no, you were spared.
I’m preaching to the choir here. I keep biting at the bit to return to a fruitless war that has already been decided. What we all need to do is embrace the good that is coming.
Let go, Tara. You are so angry and hurt. But you can feel better and begin to see relief. This life is about you. It’s about you having peace. You will never get answers about him, but you can have joy again. You are precious to the world, and have fought hard, but now it’s time to let go of him and face a brighter future for you and your son. You are doing so well. You are getting stronger everyday! I’m so sorry that it hurts so bad. I’m so sorry for all of us. But so thankful for this LF family!
Ain’t
You are so right. Nothing is worth being with a sociopath. Not the biggest most beautiful mansion in the world , nothing. I never realized that being with him for 20 plus years but now I do. No material asset is worth having your life and sanity destroyed. I am rebuilding it all now. It’s not easy but so worth it because I have my peace, my freedom and most important I can be myself again. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Kaya48
I agree! On Sunday I walk away from a $250k value in an asset and I can’t wait! I never thought I’d give up on the home I’d built, the energy and money I sunk into making it my own but now the only reason I’ll move back in is to sell it when my spath is in prison – I’m finally letting go of all of it and I feel liberated not devastated 🙂