UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I don’t feel as if I am getting better, I listen to you tube videos on education for the disorder..just trying to understand. I don’t see the monster he is. I see the man who made cross country trips with me and our kids…the man who cleaned house and took over laundry when I was grieving my sisters death.
I am in a complete state of SHOCK. To see those dates..he met her in October..when we lived together..that he was in a relationship on feb 7…we were still together then sleeping in the same bed when he came home.
I believed him when he said he was at his moms..I am shocked so badly that all I say to him..is how could you do this to me. I changed your babys diapers..potty trained him..took care of you when you lost 2 jobs.
I just am in disbelief. I wish I was getting better. I feel worse.
Taralav,
You really were getting better, but he succeeded in knocking you back a notch with his FB post. When that kind of thing happens, it opens up the confusion and trauma in our heads and literally makes us feel crazy,
Think about how you were looking at life last weekend. How were you able to have a good time? There was some self talk that had allowed you to grow stronger and enjoy being away and with others. Can you try to get back to that place?
I think the best thing for you would be to get mad. How dare he treat you this way? Like you said, you were good to him for 6years, you took care of his kids, took care of his heart, were faithful and loving. You trusted him. Doesn’t it make you mad that he so devalued you and took advantage of your goodness? Part of working through the grieving process is anger. You were getting to that point. He does not deserve your love or the pain you are experiencing because of him.
Taralav, you are in the throes of cognitive dissonance. I was there too – I saw my ex as the man who baked me raisin bread to make me one slice of toast before work; who taught me, a novice swimmer, to confidently swim in the ocean and as a man whose face represented nothing but love and protection to me. In truth, this was about 2% of what he was, the rest was evil. The rest was lies. Even these good things were only a means to an end to him – to give me what he knew would keep me close so that he could build up to the crescendo, my destruction.
HopingToHeal is right, God spared us.
Hanaleimoon
You are right, they only give you what they think you need but that is why they come unstuck. Their actions are limited to basic things not emotional bonding. This is why I’ll trust my instincts over anything else from now on 🙂
Diary to the end = 3 more sleeps and I’m out!
Why wasn’t I good enough = my bad!
Did I have bad breath? Did I not control myself in public as well as you? Wasn’t I fit enough, good looking enough? Didn’t I work enough, have the right job? Was I lazy? Was I crazy? Was my constant mood swings the cause, my distance while I recovered from the barrage of insults you delivered to me that I spent hours, days weeks questioning? NOPE! ALL MY BAD!!!
NOW, I AM GOOD ENOUGH! you are not worthy of me! I am desirable, watch and learn you *freakin freak show! I am as sane as they come. I am confident with the truth and never will I fear opening my mouth again. I will always pity the soul you chose to incarnate as but I will never look back on this part of my life and pity myself = in the end you’ve gone out of your way to make me look good! I’ve finally realised that I am worthy, that my inner strength far exceeds anything you are capable of. My instincts are my friends, I will never doubt them ever again!
You are dead to me = MY GOOD!
Oh yeah and by the way spath… I am authentic! No agendas, no lies and zero manipulation of anyone! My intentions are honorable and that’s MY GOOD TOO! End rant…
Ironic,
Girrrrrrl, you’ve got your ATTITUDE ready!!! I am so happy for you and the strength you are showing. You are an inspiration for us all.
I’m praying for continued strength, wisdom, perfect timing, protection and for that KMA attitude to carry you all the way through. Remember the God of Heavens Armies goes before you! You got this!
ONLY 3 more sleeps 🙂
I’m wondering if what I went through is considered relative to all the above.
I met a man online by accident who slowly charmed me with his words. I was beautiful, he loved me, was coming to visit me once his 6 month work contract was over”etc”he even would tell me at times before physically meeting “I can’t wait to get home to you”. I found it odd but was certainly smitten by it all
During his contract Before visiting me I snooped around on his social networking sites to find there were many other woman he was saying the same things to. Once I approached him on it and I had proof, he tried to convince me I was nuts and I didn’t actually see this”as he would quickly find the comments and erase them
So I closed my eyes to that and he eventually came to visit and we became very close. We managed to see one another every 5-6 months with daily communication.
Fast forward three years later..as he was away on another work contract I hadn’t heard from him and of course my suspiscions over took my thinking and I emailed him asking him what I thought. He admitted to meeting someone while away on work and they were now in love”
Ok not only did I think he was strange I fell for his crap again when this happened a year ago and he finished the contract and went back to his home. During the past year, even though he admitted he was still in touch with her becuse she loved him, he and I managed three visits..by the way I paid for the flight and hotel” He convinced me all this past year the worst possible things you could imagine about this girl”physical unattractive, very poor family, sexually unappealable.
Last we were together was march this year and one month later he was home and I noticed no contact from him. Only to find out that “he had to hurt me one last time and do what he thought his heart felt” and that was to leave me and be with this girl, who’s family insisted he live with them whilr he gets settled and they get married”he is 60 and she is 30”and btw he is still insisting he wants to be with me and doesn’t know if he is doing the right thing.
Am I on the right path by considering he is a sociopath or no?
Jane-
Online relationships are a haven for sociopaths. Even Donna was defrauded by the man she met on a dating website.
Game playing, evasive scenarios are easy to craft when you live any distance apart. You have no idea who and what he’s doing when he’s not with you.
His “contract” lifestyle is a cover for being in other relationships. He knows the words to reel you in, but there’s no substance in his heart.
He’s trying to make you jealous with his stories about the other woman and their relationship. He wants to paint a picture of himself as desirable to others.
Cut the line and let this one slither away. He’s a cold fish. If someone else wants him, better her than you!
Joyce
Thanks Joyce for the reply 🙂
People say to consider everything he said a lie…but what do I think when I’ve seen proof of certain things…he seems normal
He went back school and completed a masters with a 4.0 GPA and I saw him Graduate…that couldn’t be a lie??
Even things pertaining to his children I have heard and seen…
Why do they choose certain things
To lie about I wonder?
If I told you the things that have happened to him in the last year it’s almost inconceivable that this would happen to anyone…car accidents, refusal of a job he was being trained for, meeting this current woman he plans on marrying and having children with, a refusal by a book publisher to print his thesis…so many major things in his life…
And then when we would spend time
Together he was great…when things fell apart this past month when he suddenly decided to marry this girl he wrote such beautiful letters to me apologizing for what he’s done and how it kills him…so why the contact like that with me up until he boarded his flight to see her and then he disappears?? It’s so odd to try to put pieces together
Jane-
There is often an element of truth in the lies a disordered person conjures up. They count on those pieces of fact to build credibility. Your thoughts about his ability to speak the truth is exactly the response he attempts to create. By weaving fact with lies, he makes you question whether or not he lies.
The basic characteristics of character disorder are lack of affective empathy and conscience. And when it comes to conscience, actions speak louder than words. Think less of what he professes, and more about his actual behavior. He can tell you how broken up he is about harming you, but if he does so none-the-less, grasp the reality.
Joyce
Thanks Joyce
It is true actions are louder than words and about 75 percent of the tjme i see that but why do we Fall into that stockholm syndrome category the balance of the the time?
Do you think once we start telling them they’ve been deceitful and lied and figure out what kind of person they are,they find the challenge of manipulating is no longer a thrill?
Joyce
That is valuable information to know. I do see that now. No wonder I was confused! Truth mixed with lies to gain credibility = makes perfect sense to me and worked a treat for him ★
Whatever label is given him, he is bad for you. He has manipulated your mind into viewing your ocassional interactions with him as a meaningful relationship with a future. Consider that just about everything he told you are probably lies; and that you really can’t know what he does when he’s not around you with respect to work or where he is or who he’s with.
I’m so happy I found this site because I’ve been trying to get clarity from all this. I feel better actually if I know he lied and is a scum versus if he truly meant all he has said to me about “us”. Somehow I find knowing that he is mentally disturbed as the way he is, makes it easier for me to go forward.
But at times when I’m not reading through this site and I’m down I feel “oh of course he will get back to me, he is just busy with this new girl and still wants me, he told me so” and I think “he is way too caring of a man to do this”. And of course i believed him when he would tell me he was going “on contract” that he was being honest…he covered it up by being in constant touch so i never felt he was Doing anything else.
I still don’t understand his concept of not getting back in touch with me since he’s left to this other country. I thought a person like this wants
To keep things up with the women he feels he has drawn in?
If I were a stronger person I wouldn’t have accepted it from the first sign I saw..he caught me
The way to know if he meant what he said is if he does it. Unless something stops him, like being dead or in a terrible accident or a natural disaster or someone needing him, he will follow through with whatever he says that he really means. If he doesn’t follow through and do the commitments he has verbally made, then he didn’t mean them.
And of course I shouldn’t care if he contacts me at all…but out of curiosity I’d like to see what he does.
Since he has left to be with the other person I have constructed an email that I keep adding to. I have not sent it yet and am still debating whether I should. It basically tells him that I find him a rotten person to do such a thing and at this point I don’t know whether his promises
He made right up
Til he left were sincere. I told him I loved him and his thoughtfulness but I can only do that with a person who is not mixed up in his mind the way he is..etc
There’s no begging to come back or why haven’t I heard…Just my thoughts of what I think…
BUT do I send it or leave
It alone…something I have to decide
Consider that if you send it you can’t take it back, but you can always send it. It might make you feel better, but he may view it as part of a game, “wow, so cool that she’s still thinking about ME,” and he won’t ‘get’ the content or care about your feelings.
I wrote, and still do occasionally, a lot of emails to my ex P, and never send them.
There’s a lot of power in not saying anything.
Jane
He very well could be – stinks of multiple lives! But even if it isn’t, is this a game you want to play?
If I knew that this were an honest and humble man and he turned out to be the opposite of what I’m thinking….absolutely not would I want to play this game
He has simply lied about so many things that I’ve caught him doing, he sometimes has a conscience and sometimes not, he has been with quite a few women at the same
Time as me and felt there’s nothing wrong with it since he felt nothing for them…except for his most recent scam of connecting with a thirty year difference woman, who’s parents are younger than he is…that is about as much as I can handle in this stupid
Game
I am trying I convince myself that he has a sick twisted mind regardless of whether he has sociopathic tendencies…there’s too much baggage and drama that come
Along with him that I see and always had in the back of my mind.
But because this is all new to me I’m trying to weigh the bad points with the “good” and convince myself that be is poison!
It’s not really possible when one considers it that sometimes he has a conscience and sometimes not. If he ever acts without conscience he is not committed to doing what is right. The times that he acts as though he had a conscience is because it happens to suit him to do so, not because he is committed to doing right. If that were the case, he would always do right.
I learned that my ex P sometimes told the truth not because he was committed to honesty, but because sometimes the truth worked for him.
Being with women when he doesn’t feel anything for them is nothing but using them, it’s an additional wrong as well as two timing. It sounds like he’s trying to use the fact he’s just using women to make it alright that’s he’s two timing. Maybe, but unlikely, some of those women are agreeable to just have an affair and to continue to be with him when he’s seeing others, but it’s more likely that he’s duping them.
Wisdom I’ve heard: 1 lie could be a mistake, a 2nd lie could be a misunderstanding, but the 3rd lie is a pattern of behavior. A person who regularly lies is a liar, and he can be expected to continue to lie. Anything he says is random.
Have you kept yourself safe from the risk of STD’s?
I have had tests and thankfully all is good. Funny thing is he doesn’t like to use protection cause it alters his performance…and it happened the one time without and that was enough for me to get checked even if I cared for him
Ironic
I sm sorry to hear you too have to give up a home. At first I was devastated. At one point I accepted the fact and moved on. Once my lawyer said to me “we don’t get mad here, we get even”. He was so right I had to cut off all emotions during this divorce to be able stay strong and to think straight. Leaving everything behind was not devastating to me anymore , it was and still is liberating and empowering. This one thing I learned throughout this ordeal is to love myself again for who I am, for standing up for me and for putting an end to this crap. Because not only deserve I better , he never deserved me.
Taralev. I hope things will be better for you. Please take my story of recovery and success as a tool. I did it and so can you.
There really is something productive you can do to stop the prolific use of lies and distortion to seduce victims. There are laws in some states that can be brought to bear, and I am coalescing an effort to raise society’s awareness and criminalize the behavior in others.
If you have been defrauded of sex by an impostor, (a person who lied about their identifying characteristics,) please contact me. You can do so through Donna or at my blog at http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com.
Joyce
Joyce,
Your work is so important; no one else is addressing this problem like you are. Liars and fraudsters and emotional rapists need to be held accountable. The attitude that prevails that men can be predators and if they can dupe a woman into sex, then more power to him, needs to be changed. Men should be taught to take responsibility and act in ways that render the providers and protectors, using their strength in service of others, as they make their way through the world.
On the other side, in this age, women have been deceived to believe some things that are making it too easy for predators.
A generation or 2 ago, wisdom that was time tested through the ages has been tossed aside. Women no longer protect themselves by not engaging in sex until a clear commitment has been given for example in the form of marriage, or a ring and concrete plans to marry. We need to recognize empty promises,which I think was more in vogue in past generations.
It is not in vogue to be judgmental, so that women don’t feel comfortable discerning. We give a predator too many chances and too many benefits of the doubt. The prevailing attitude is that everyone is ‘right’ in their own way; no one has the right to judge another.
Waiting until marriage for physical intimacy and sharply discerning one’s suitor wouldn’t have prevented my and many others’ victimization, but it would sure slow some of the spaths down.
AnnettePK…amen!! You are so right about the sex and no commitment. I just wish everyone could see this is true. We wouldn’t have had half or any of the problems for that matter, if we would not have been intimate with these men so fast. They really do not respect us when that happens and they are only out to get what they can get. That is also why there is so much back and forth in these relationships. They come around when they want sex and then leave and then only come around again when they want it again and in the mean time, they are with other women! It’s really evil, all of it.
I was not going to say anything here, but I have met someone!! I was not looking for him at all…wasn’t looking for anyone. But I met him at church and before anyone thinks, oh, geez…he is who he says he is. Everything checks out with him. I have been going to this church for 10 years and he has been going for three years and we met two months ago while we were both serving at a function at church. God is all over this relationship. Too long of a story to go into here, but even the circumstance around how we met while serving is just amazing! It’s been two whole months and we have not had sex. It’s so refreshing!! Ladies…you will never know true love until you find a GOOD man who loves God more than he loves you and wants to actually wait to have sex! Believe it or not, they are out there! I absolutely thought they were not out there. I just knew there would be no man who would want to wait until marriage to have sex with me, but I have found him and no, he is not gay…trust me!!!! Can you imagine how beautiful our wedding night (if it goes that far and yes, it looks like it’s going in that direction) will be because we waited? We are reading books together and watching videos together all about no sex before marriage. It’s heaven! A relationship truly from God. I will keep everyone posted as time goes on, but so far, so good. And when I met him, I was not interested at all, but being around him and seeing what a good man he is has totally turned my thoughts around. God had other plans. He has already taken me to his parent’s house and his sister’s house and his nephew did my hair yesterday! It’s all timing…five years ago, I would have said, “No, thanks,” but I was ready and God knew it. I have been so weepy this past month, but good weepy. I can’t describe it.
Soooo, for anyone here who thinks they may never have a relationship again, don’t ever think that. I thought that!! I just knew I would NEVER, EVER have a good, normal, Godly relationship or marriage ever again, but I do and I will. If it’s possible for me, it is possible for anyone!! Keep the Faith!
Joyce
I’m so using that in court! I’ll be the test case for “sex by fraud” in Australia. I’m taking notes so please don’t hesitate to send me any information or wordings you think I should be using to ironic666@hotmail.com.au
Any suggestions are much appreciated!
Ironic-
Contact me offline so we can address your issues. You can reach me on my blog at http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com.
Any post you make will come to me through Disqus and I’ll get back to you by email.
Joyce
I know you are all right..he was just a image of the person I thought he was. The message he sent yesterday was ” it was my fault I cheated and was unfaithful- it wasn’t illegal. Morally it was wrong but I as a American have a right to end a relationship”
Oh course he does..i get it. But like this? In such a twisted hurtful deceitful way. It ruins lives!! He was in a relationship with HER and ME at the same time…I get it..it happens in the world everyday. But it was so much more then my friends understand. The lies..that I listened to..the promises to my son that he was coming home..its SICK.
To go to the level to put a order on me when I did nothing to deserve one. I didn’t hit him..touch him..damage items..i simply freaked out and called him because I caught him cheating!! He succeeds in making me the crazy one.
I trusted him..never ever did it run thru my head he was cheating? He throws things around like ” oh cmon Tara we had sex 10 times a year” To hurt me. That wasn’t true to begin with..but 6 years..yes maybe we weren’t always getting it on but we had a love life..we also were raising a 12 yr old 5 yr old and 9 month old. Worked complete different shifts at our jobs…so that gives him a reason to cheat.
Then he says is he wanted to get a order or his new girlfriend wanted to they would. I don’t bother them, he is just so mean..to even imagine..all this time I KNEW he was cheating but they have been dating 6 MONTHS!!!!! We were still together “working on things” until April.
I just need my LF friends to shake me..smack me..drill this into my head why ..why cant I understand he is not normal. Like Hanelei I think of the GOOD..and that is what hurts. I feel like I have lost something..that maybe I did something wrong
You have lost something, a big part of your life, important memories and your future hopes. That is a huge loss.
As far as remembering the good times, I came to understand that for me, the good times happened because of what I brought to them. The connection with my ex P is gone from the memories because I now know that he wasn’t thinking and doing what I thought he was thinking and doing. But I still was there wholeheartedly and in good faith, and what I had to give and what I experienced is still with me even though the ex P dropped out of the picture. It took awhile to get to this, after the pain and shock passed.
You did nothing wrong to deserve being abused and betrayed. There is nothing you can do to change another person’s choices. By subtly and overtly blaming their victims, spaths make us feel like we should be/could be doing something to change them. It’s extremely frustrating because they are doing exactly what they want to do, blaming it on the victim, and so the victim tries and tries and tries to do something to make the spath choose differently and it will never happen. The spath gets a kick out of seeing the victim struggle helplessly forever.
We can do things to make our lives better, and to enhance the well being of others and ourselves, through our own choices.
If you have a really nice meal with just a little bit of lethal poison in it, it doesn’t matter how good the good food is, it’s still going to kill you. The degree of good things don’t matter if there’s poison in it. I don’t view anything as good in my spath experience. He faked some good things, but there was no real good, except what I brought to it, and I still have everything I brought to it. He took the better part of 10 years of my life and cost me health, strained other relationships, but good things happened once he was gone.
What incredible meaningless word salad BS: “As an American I have a right to end a relationship.” What does that mean?!?!?!? Nothing. He is twisting the truth in saying that the problem is his ending a relationship when the real problem is his lying and cheating and using you. He got no new information about you that would lead to ending a relationship. He is invoking something totally irrelevant, his country of citizenship, because it sounds good (being an American is associated with good things and with the freedom to do GOOD things, not evil). Total BS word salad. Joyce may disagree whether he has a ‘right’ to defraud, and whether a civil suit could be filed against him. Would you have slept with him, raised his kids, kept house for him, if you knew he was two timing you?? That is fraud.
Here’s some relevant thoughts that actually make sense:
You have a moral and ethical right to end a relationship with a lying, cheating, abusing, exploiting, jerk. You have a duty to yourself to do so, probably as an American (lol). Part of ending a relationship with him means you are free from ever having to have contact with him and free from having to endure the pain of his infuriating BS. This will make room in your life for good things. He is not a good thing. He is not good for you. You and your friends and family care about you, and you aren’t going to hurt yourself.
‘oh, c’mon we only had sex (fill in the blank, 10 times a day, 10 times a year).’ What difference does it make? Totally irrelevant. What incredible BS. He is insinuating that this means that the relationship was not real because you didn’t have sex often enough. He’s probably thinking that he can further twist this concept into somehow being your fault. I’m thinking, yeah, that’s another thing that he did wrong. He should have made sure that you and he had regular date nights when the kids weren’t around and he should have treated you to romance including flowers, chocolate, cards and physical intimacy by candlelight on a regular basis. That’s what men do for their women. That’s what you deserve for all you do for him.
Your ex’s BS reminds me of my ex shouting at me, “I don’t lie as much as you think I lie!!” It is horrible, but now I also can see the humor in it. Sadly, when he said stuff like this it actually worked to turn some others’ focus on me – as though the problem was my perception of his lies, not the fact he lied (and lies, forever I am sure).
At this point, I am getting so irritated by the BS that your ex is writing you that I think I need to avoid reading the quotes of his dribble in your posts. I’ll have to skip over those for my own sanity. Seriously, consider whether you’re getting to the point when it’s time to get his stuff back to him intact, and block his emails and calls. When you’re ready to do that, you will feel better faster. You feel unbelievably bad now, but having contact with his emails probably isn’t making you feel better. If he ever changes, he knows where to find you and what to do. I know my ex P won’t change in this lifetime, but I found some peace and release in telling him goodby and if he ever changes his mind he knows where to find me. It freed me from the impossible task of trying to make something work that he didn’t want to work. His definition of the arrangement working is different than mine.
taralav, I have to clarify very strongly here – I thought of the good DURING the relationship (it was what kept me there) but NOT after I was discarded so cruelly. My intention in telling you that was to let you see that all of us thought that way until we comprehended the TRUTH.
Oh, in the week or two after the discard, I assumed it would all blow over and it would be fine, but then he elected to attack me so cruelly via two phone conversations and several emails that I instinctively retreated to no contact to prevent myself from losing my mind. He expected me to go full out to make amends to him as I had in the past when he set me up for mini-discards, and especially now since he had me backed into such a terrible corner. Instead, my lack of response changed the dynamic.
Don’t get me wrong – this was a horrible time of loss, confusion, pain and disbelief, and I was almost pushed off the deep end mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. Almost three years later, I am still stepping on metaphorical shards of glass here and there when I thought I had swept and vacuumed everything possible that was left. Some only scratch the surface, some cut and bleed, but I pick them out and keep walking. NOTHING about this has been easy, but I wouldn’t put myself back in a relationship with him for anything.
Here is your shake from me – for right now, stop trying to understand that he’s not normal and just ACCEPT that this relationship is toxic for you and it is in your overwhelming best interest to protect yourself from seeing or hearing anything that comes from him or is related to him in any way. Just ACCEPT this, that it is over. Work on yourself. Worry about understanding later. i could not have done this without my therapist, who made things so clear for me. I know you have been going to therapy – either you are not going enough, not listening to what you learn, or you have the wrong therapist…get this sorted out, and it will help you.
I was with my ex 7 years so I know how much you had invested, and know you have lost a lot. It is hard to understand when your monkey mind wants to control your thinking. It is not so hard, though, to recognize that this is tearing you apart and creating so much harm to you, and to accept that blocking anything coming from his direction is in your best interest. You have enough to deal with in your own head and heart without looking at balls he throws you out of left field to trip you up.
Your brain is chemically addicted and it is so, so seductive to stay in this endless loop of rumination. I know, because I was there. I had a hard time stopping going over and over things just as you are now, in an effort to understand. You MUST break the cycle. There is nothing to be gained by rehashing anything.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. None of us did anything wrong.
Annette is right – it is time for you to consider getting his stuff back to him. You don’t want to do it, as you think this somehow gives you power over him, and believe it or not, it keeps you connected to him. Please consider that hauling that stuff to a neutral location for him to pick up will clear your home of it’s energy and be a tangible way for you to do something positive for yourself. It would be making a statement to yourself that you’re ready to move on. You won’t believe how much better you will feel. Let go.
Hanlei- I don’t want to let go..I know you are right that I have to tell myself it is toxic. I feel so connected to him, with the deaths we went thru, kids growing up, so many milestones. I cry thinking already about Christmas, thanksgiving, I am alone. I really am. I have my son but he will be gone. I loved having a family, the kids running around. I know you say I did nothing wrong. But I did something..something to make him tell people he was single when he had a 6 year relationship.
I lay awake at night and start from day 1 and try to think of my faults..what I could have done different. Even though he was a liar I never would have cheated..or left.
You mentioned mini-discards. I asked my friend about this..i am not sure what they are.but I think he did them to me. He would take off for a day or 2 at a time if we got in a argument..always over him paying bills on time.
Sometimes it would just be for the night..sometimes a few days he would go to his moms..id cry and say come home. he would come home. Was he discarding me???
taralav, yeah, I know you don’t want to let go, but you have to. It doesn’t matter how connected you feel, how much you went through together, or what you loved about your life with him. Let go.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing you did or didn’t do made him tell people he was single. He wanted to keep his options open, while he had you at home, loving his kids and keeping the home fires burning. Mine did the same thing.
Respectfully, I say you don’t know what alone is. You would not trade places with me and my level of aloneness for even a day. You have a son, whether he lives with you or not. You have friends who invite you on boating excursions. You have a job. Hell, you’re even getting a tenant. You are not alone.
I see the “breaks” my ex took (from a few days to a week, once for a couple of months) from me as mini-discards now. I now realize that a real man doesn’t do this – there is no reason to “take off for a day or 2 at a time”. I never thought of doing that, and neither did you. If I had it to do over again, the first time he did this, it would have been over. Just not acceptable, or normal.
If you would give yourself a break from this line of thinking for a day or two and let your mind settle, you might get a different perspective.
Hanalei,
If you get a chance, would you feel like sharing the aspects of your aloneness?
Annette, in response to your question about my aloneness:
I do not have children. My only living relatives are my mom, and my alcoholic brother who lives with her.
During the relationship with my ex, he isolated me from my friends and he and his family became the center of my world. At that time, I had a wonderful job I loved and work friends.
I quit my job almost 4 years ago in preparation for us buying our dream home in another state in a town where I knew no one. I moved, and he didn’t. Over the time I was in the home, I found a job and made some friends, however, I planned to return to my original state when the home sold to be close to my mom.
I am now in my original state, in a rental home in an isolated area (bad choice but had to find a home long distance and move quickly). I do not have a job and no old friends from the past around. I am on my own pretty much all the time. I do volunteer at a museum once or twice a week, I’d do it more except the commute is a killer.
I am looking for a job that would enable me to stay in this state, or, alternatively, return to the other state where I do have some friends. My mom’s living situation is an issue also.
Hanalei,
Thank you for sharing. I feel for you. The friends I have are friends I have had since I was 20 (35 years ago). I can’t imagine making new friends now. Acquaintances yes, but you can’t substitute anything for decades of shared experiences.
I’ve lived in the same town for 35 years and so I feel at home, have roots, and know a lot of people casually.
I have stable family ties with y late husband’s family, even though we don’t spend a lot of time together, but Thanksgivings, and other regular visits year after year for decades, are always there for me. My husband who was not a spath left me many long time friends and family, that are enduring for a life time. He passed away 19 years ago.
My 2 best friends, one gal, one man, were supportive and incredibly patient with me during the spath years.
I also had the same career, working for myself now, and participated in the same activities that gave my life stability.
I am really sorry for your situation, because I know that I have had it relatively easy in my spath experience. It almost killed me, and I can only imagine how much of a challenge it must be to find joy in life in your situation. I can’t imagine moving at my age, it would disorient me.
Prayers for peace and happiness for you.
Tara,
You are not perfect, but you did not willfully do anything wrong. He is wrong. He has done a lot to brainwash you over the past 6 years. Spaths use hypnosis, hypnotic techniques, neurolinguistic programming, and whatever works to control their victims. You are having a natural response to his victimization of you and his control of you. He is an abuser. If you read about it you can start to understand intellectually what happened to you.
“But I did something..something to make him tell people he was single when he had a 6 year relationship.” No you didn’t. You are not that powerful that you can control other people’s choices. If I choose to end this post by insulting you or praising you or offering some help as best I can, it is my choice made because of who I am. You can’t control other’s choices or anyone else. Take the 10 commandments, You shall not bear false witness. Is there ever an excuse when it suddenly becomes ‘right’ to lie about someone? Or commit adultery, or murder? (not the same as kill – murder is taking someone’s life not in self defense or as punishment for a capital crime). No matter what someone else does, it is never right to lie. Even if you were the worst most horrible mean person in the world, how does that make it right for him to tell people lies about you.
You may be looking for something you CAN do to change him, but there really isn’t. If anything, all the good things you did kept him around so long. If you were a mean old w**ch like me, it wouldn’t have lasted so long. Maybe you may have family of origin issues that programmed you to blame yourself for others’ poor choices. Melody Beattie’s books on codependency might have some ideas to help you.
I kind of chuckle that I’m not so nice and humble as you. I laid awake at night going over what my ex P did wrong, not what I did wrong…even though I’d responded very badly to his BS for awhile – I threw a cutting board at him, threw a kayak paddle almost at him, I punched him, I threw him out of the house, I told him off. I told a few others what a jerk he is. (I eventually figured out he was pushing my buttons to get me to act this way). However, I didn’t do any of that to my first husband, and once the psychopath was gone, I didn’t have such a problem acting badly.
Check out the heartless-bitches website, at least for some comic relief. http://www.heartless-bitches.com/
Was he discarding you by the taking off behavior that made you cry? Yes, that’s exactly what he was doing. If a man makes you cry repeatedly, he’s a bad man, and he’s bad for you. Sounds like he was leaving to do his thing (was he really at his mom’s?), and stringing you along. Manufacturing arguments to have an excuse to leave, punishing you for your reasonable expectations regarding the bills, and feeling glee, power and control, at your suffering. This is not nice and it’s not normal. He exploited your patience, forgiveness, kindness, generous spirit. It’s best to save our gifts for those who deserve them.
Of course you want a family and children around, and you love his kids that he’s keeping you from. Who knows how God will work this out? It doesn’t sound like your ex was the source of a real loving family life though. When you’re up to it, there’s no shortage of family and children. A single woman can host foreign exchange students, participate in Big Sister programs, tutor children. I know it’s not the same and I know you are appropriately bonded with the ex’s children, but a lot of people in the world could benefit from interacting with you.
I want to add that my therapist taught me about a part of our brain called the amygadala. She showed me how, when I got deep into rumination, or fear, it was stimulated and that without knowing it, I was ramping it up and up so far that I couldn’t think straight. (This is my layman’s explanation.) In other words, it was chemical. She could see if I was in that place as soon as I walked in the door. She taught me that it was essential to my well being and my ability to think clearly, calmly, rationally and in my best interest to keep that darn thing unstimulated. It took awhile (and sometimes half a Xanax) to learn how to break the cycle, but I eventually learned how. It transformed my life.
taralav, I am here to tell you that at first, I didn’t WANT to stop the obsessive thinking, as I thought it might be helping me somehow. I worry that you might be in that same place. It has to be done, though, if you truly want to recover. I now know when something (usually my own mind) is getting to my amygadala, and I am very good at cutting it off. Having a calm and unstimulated amygadala is the only way to go.
Taralav,
Your ex is a liar.
Your ex is a cheat.
Your ex is manipulative.
Your ex devalued you and your son.
Your ex wants to make you suffer for his evil deeds.
Your ex is disgusting.
Those are the facts. He’s not going to change.
Will you go to this website and sign up for this webinar? I’m going to watch it, and I think it will help you. You are stuck in this bad place and this lady has some great ideas for why you are stuck and how to get out of that place. This lady has some great concepts about why we stay in this place of constantly thinking about our situation, even when we don’t want to. The webcast is tonight. It may help you.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com
Yes! I will sign up..i have watched some you tube videos on this woman…I will try to watch it tonight let me look at the time
A few years ago I read and listened to a lot of Ms. Evan’s material and found some of it helpful, but much of her philosophy was too new age and spirits oriented to be useful to me, because there were contradictions to my own personal philosophy and theology. Just thought I’d share my experience. I am sure you will get something out of the webcast.
There are many sources of advice and support (thanks to the internet). If you don’t find help from one source check out another. I found that learning from several sources was really helpful. Lundy Bancroft’s book and website are good because coming from a man, he is relentless in holding the perpretator responsible and he has a lot of understanding for the victims.
Susan Elliot’s website and books are very practical and straightforward, which is what works for me.
When our mind is on the spath, it’s more productive to focus on what others are saying about spaths in general and what to do to get out and get over it, than to listen to what the spath is saying.
Thanks hoping
I like your post. Just today we received a manipulative text. So thank you for reminding me what my ex really is.
I like the one “he devalued you and your son”. So true. To throw a family away like a piece of trash that gets picked up once a week and disposed of, really is a devalue. It’s beyond my beliefs and morales and that’s why the ex cannot have any place in our life. A person who is capable of doing this, whilst being engaged in a “hot affair” with the co worker is just plain evil. Evil will only attract evil so they deserve each other.
taralav,
Your ex has a human form, but he is abnormal. His thinking (which comes by way of his brain) is DISORDERED (out of whack). Decent, empathetic people don’t treat others the way your ex treats people. I had a therapist tell me about my ex that “they don’t think the way that we do” – her message being that a sociopath’s thinking pattern is “off.” You cannot get inside their heads (and if you do, it causes your mind to swim in confusion). Be good to yourself and your children. It will take a while to recover from all the nonsense that they throw our way. Peace.
Bluejay
My therapist told me the exact same. You cannot understand their thinking, it will never make sense to a “normal ” person. No therapy , no medication , no treatment will make him “better”. Simply because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. I was told that my ex views the family as “extensions” of him. The entire universe are idiots except him. He is to be worshipped and valued. Everything else does not matter.
Before I was discarded my ex attended a few marriage counseling sessions. My counsellor told me a few times “I think it would benefit you if you file for divorce .” She was exactly right. I ended up filing and to this day view it as the best decision I ever made.
I am not in this crazy making stage of my life. He can remain in his “fantasy land of endless supply of sexy minions”. This is where he belongs. He does not deserve a family because he cannot love anyone but himself. I accepted that fact and moved on.
Kaya, to my ex, everyone was an idiot and a hypocrite. Except for him of course. He used to like to tell me that I was a hypocrite but he tolerated it because I didn’t do it intentionally and couldn’t help myself.
He also expected to be worshiped. There were little “rituals” I had to do for him that at the time I just thought were harmless, annoying and ridiculous, that now, if someone even mentioned something like that, I’d be out the door like I was shot out of a rocket.
Once we went on a road trip that started badly the night before and he was so mean to me that I thought I was going to have a stroke. When we got where we were going, he complained about everything and continued the meanness. I went to bed, and when he came in, he jiggled me and said, sweetheart, you forgot to bring me a glass of water tonight. After three days of complete misery in the car with him, and not once decent word out of him, he expected a glass of water.
What a total nutcase. Does it not make sense that he would get a drink of water himself since you were asleep. Lunacy.
I got panic attacks for awhile, they went away when the spath went away. I never had one before the spath.