UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
My ex did the same. Mini discards. He would leave (who knows where he went), I would cry and beg and apologize and he would come home. You know that’s a form of control and abuse. My counsellor said it was “like pulling the rug away from underneath me and leave me on a bare, cold cement floor “.
Would you want him to come back and do this to you all over ?
I know how hard it is to let go. What will it take for you to see the light ? Why do you want that darkness in your life?
For me it was the fact he tried to put a restraining order against me. This made me see the light.
Leaving and coming back were pretty much all my ex Psychopath did. He moved some of his furniture and other stuff in and out so many times, it became humorous to my friends and eventually to me. He created drama and argument because he enjoyed them, and it gave him an excuse and made it my fault to leave and go off and do porn, child porn, whatever. It took me years to figure out. I never knew something like this existed. The leaving on a regular basis started early on when he stormed out randomly and I told him in good faith to try to help the situation (thinking the problem was selfishness and immaturity) that it really hurt me when he left, thinking that now that he knows that it hurts me he won’t do it again. It was pretty much all he did for the next several years until I didn’t let him come back.
kaya48,
We’ve all had horrible experiences, brought to us courtesy of people who have a serious brain defect, in my opinion. We can read about the disorder in psychology text books. Being able to detach and see it for what it is is somewhat helpful (causing me to take some of my hurtful, bewildering experiences less personally). Unfortunately, we bear the scars (for a lifetime) from our involvement with these people. God can help us to recover, heal, and move on.
Taralev
Hanalei is right. Give yourself some time not to think about what he has done to you. Think about you and your son, the blessings in your life. For me, I let go of the “good times” with him, the Christmases, the thanksgivings. Looking back it was sometimes a struggle to keep him happy and I was so focused on him that I forgot about me. Make this time of your life about you and your son.
And yes, a real man would not do those things. A real man and father would put their family first, always. And not take things Away, hurt, accuse and blame. In his eyes he is not lying, because he believes his own lies. Only a cowardly loser would do those things to a family.
After I started no contact , exactly 382 days ago, I learned to let go. Let go if him and the life you had together. Start new, a new chapter and find peace. There is no revenge for them because they are always right. You cannot inflict any pain on them because we are normal. We don’t do what they do.
I am definetely in control now because I ignore him. And that’s exactly what they hate most. And honestly I enjoy being in control because he cannot hurt me anymore. He can try with his new victim. I don’t care because she asked for it by engaging in an affair with him knowing he was married over 20 years. Let him be her problem now. You are only 36. You will be ok, believe me.
Hanalei
Wow, how degrading is this ? Mine was exact the same. I had to worship him and his “good looks”, how educated and smart he is, how irresistible he us for women , how sexy he looks in his uniform …. And so on. And I was told daily “I should be grateful he married me, me who is an average looking person”. Thinking back now, it was insane.
I Am not beating myself up over it anymore because I know it has nothing to do with me.
I hope Taralev will come to the conclusion that you cannot make someone love you. I decided that no one who tells me “I don’t love you anymore” stays married to me, no one.
Taralev, the only way for you to get better is to let go of him, the past and whatever he does now. Whatever he puts on facebook does not concern you anymore. It’s hard but it can be done.
Annette
I did the same things. I once threw a kajak paddle at him when he left me in the Everglades because I could not “paddle” fast enough for him. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to slap him. I never experienced this again after he left. Isn’t it a blessing that he discarded me? God was working it out as always. I put all my trust and faith in him and he worked it out for the good. How amazing is that ?
Thank you for sharing your paddle tossing experience! I tossed the paddle hard towards him (didn’t throw it as close to him as the cutting board) because he’d gotten us in the middle of a body of water and was deliberately infuriating and emotionally abusing my young teen son.
I kept throwing him out and then repenting of not keeping my marriage vows. When I finally came to acceptance before God that I needed to act right no matter what the abuser did, and that I needed to keep my marriage vows according to God’s law, within a week I learned of the ongoing porn (adultery) which gave me the right under God’s rules to leave the marriage. When I learned the lesson not to take matters into my own hands and let God fix it in His time, He made a way out for me. I still kept trying to make things work for awhile, but it was the beginning of the end.
Taralav,
I know that in your head you know he is evil, but in your heart, you must be still holding out some hope that the fantasy was real. Breaking the attachment to the life I had was the hardest thing for me. I love my husband and I kept thinking that if he could only remember the good times, remember our love, that he would change.
But he never saw me like I saw him. He never longed for my me at a soul level, neither did yours. We were just a convenient stop in the journey. We were the sparkle that caught their eye for a moment, but they bore easily and moved on long before we realized.
What are you hanging on to? What’s there? A few cuff links, t shirts and pictures? An ugly email here or there? There’s nothing but pain left. There’s no relationship. He’s done. The fantasy is over and there is nothing you can do to bring it back. You wouldn’t want it back if you could. So, you Must start looking at where you are going? What do you want? You’ve got to look forward.
It is so hard to let go. Everything in us wants the feeling of the love we thought we had. We want the family, the dreams, the future. But he doesn’t want that. It’s over. You have to move on. I know you don’t want to. I didn’t want to either. I’ve been so scared of what’s next. I want my damn life back. But I don’t have that choice. I have to make a life for myself. The life we had is over. The life y’all had is over. And I know just reading those words is very difficult. I know you want to scream No! Because it’s not what you worked for or wanted. ITS NOT WHAT YOU DESERVE. but it is what you have.
Once you take the step if letting it go, you will feel so so so much better. Let it go sweetie. Let it go and allow yourself to live again. We love you and are trying our best to help you, but only you can make that step. Let it go. You are going to be ok. You don’t need him. You are going to heal. You are. I promise.
I know I’m trying to hang on and there is no reason to hang on to such a terrible person. I do read your words they do hurt. My life with him is over. It was over for him long before I knew. Its killing me so much I don’t want to lose my life with him and the kids. I have lost enough in my lifetime I just want answers. .why..he was my best friend. I am just so hurt and heartbroken he could deceive me.so much
Taralev
Hoping is so correct. My lawyer once said “shut down your heart temporarily, and think with your brain for rightnow , no emotions, no crying, no feeling sorry for yourself, think like he was a very bad business partner.” I listened to my lawyer , I did exactly what he wanted me to do. I wanted a favorable divorce outcome. It was not easy to think in a cold, unemotional way. But I had to do it. Your ex does not want a life with you. It sounds harsh. It did to me. Mine found a co worker , 20 years younger than me, skinny, sexy, with long hair. It was the most difficult thing to get into my head that he was done with me and his son. It was his choice, but the lawyer was right. “Don’t get mad, we get even”. In my case we got even hurting the ex financially. But I left my emotions out so I was able to focus on me and move on.
It took about 3 or 4 months after the discard. But I got there and I hope you will do the same. I keep praying for you and your son .
Yes, finding the porn on my home computer was a sad reality. I tried to make things work also, but it was the beginning if the end too. My paddle throwing experience is not something I am proud if. But he pushed me to the limits, with his lack of empathy, disrespect and abuse. Of course it was all my fault that he found the co worker. In his eyes I was a bad wife. I know that god hates divorces but I had no other choice. But also God hates people being “ugly” to others. God was always on my side. Listening to the song “in oceans deep” gave me the right perspective. United hillsong gave me the right song to lean on god in times of despair.
Thanks for mentioning the song. I’ll check it out.
Adultery and desertion are grounds for divorce, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:15. God also tells men to love the “wife of their youth.” Proverbs 5:18, Malachi 2:14. Psalm 34:15, God’s eyes are on the righteous.
ICor 7:15 says if the unbeliever departs, let him depart. It says nothing about divorce. Just not to harass him or stalk him.
Matt 19:9 talks about fornication, not adultery. In biblical culture, once bethrothed (sorta like being engaged in our culture) the only way to break the betrothal/engagement was if one of the parties fornicated. It was like being married basically and couldn’t be called off just because you changed your mind; betrothal was a very serious commitment. Once you were actually married tho, of course you weren’t fornicating.
Because marraige is a covenant, not a contract, the other party’s behavior does not null the covenant nor relieve the 1st party’s vow to keep the covenant.
We dont have to stay with these demons. But we aren’t free to divorce or remarry. **I think everyone on here tried to the utmost and then some, and can leave with no guilt.** If the disordered spouse also tried to divorce the non-disordered person I wouldn’t tell them to fight it either. But these spiritual, mental, financial and emotional leeches probably wouldn’t do that. Until they had a new victim firmly on the hook.
That is my conclusions from lengthy study on the subject.
Ain’t,
I have to agree with your understanding of the scripture. I’m not sure I understand why it’s set up this way, but I’m not the planner of the universe. And I trust Gods decision. Now, sticking to that for me will be difficult. Hmmmm? 🙂
Am not writing from biblical standpoint, but these days, marriage is a contract. The government recognizes it as a contract and it is treated as one when getting divorced. Few people realize how vulnerable they have made themselves to get legally married, how the sociopath can bind them to contracts and lifelong financial ruin. Therefore, even though I am a person of faith, the sooner a victim can unhinge themselves from the contract made and enforced by government legal entities, the better. Or at least a legal separation so you don’t get dragged into further financial ruinous scams.
As far as the scriptural sense of marriage, NO problem for ME. I will NEVER marry again. Learned that lesson about the spouses ability to control EVERYTHING fer shhhhuuurrrr!
Oh goodness knows I am completely reprobate about it.
But I’ve never heard a compelling argument for other views. I used to debate it when I was living right too lol I’d be playing devil’s advocate, wanting someone to show me how divorce was ok. No one ever has.
Ain’t-
I’m not up on scripture, but it seems to me that if one person misrepresents them self and creates a pseudo-self in order to induce another into marriage, that marriage could and should be annulled.
Joyce
I don’t think the Bible addresses that specifically, but as a practical matter, these spaths generally cheat and leave, both of which are Biblical reasons to be freed from the marriage, according to my understanding.
Or someone could change after the fact.
It’s always a chance.
Marriage is not to be taken lightly.
The disciples with Jesus, when He talked about it, were shocked and horrified. They got what He was saying.
People can choose to change/repent at any time, but waiting for a spouse to change doesn’t really contribute to bringing about change. Spaths don’t change (Psalm 55:19 describes people who do not change). Probably more likely that a non spath man would wake up and make changes in his life after losing his job & marriage. Sometimes it takes that.
If a person repents, they can always remarry the spouse they left.
I didn’t really want to be released from my marriage to my ex P; I would have preferred that he become the man who he said he was and care about me like he said he did. But given his choices that God allows him to make, I am better off accepting reality and putting my energy into my recovery and doing things to contribute to the well being of my son, other family members and friends. I forgive the ex P for all he did, is doing and will do, and I’m open minded to interacting with him if he wanted to do so and if he repented. He would be a new and different man if he did so. But realistically it’s not likely to happen given his choice. He knows everything he needs to know, it’s not like he might come onto new information that would motivate a change. He knows what he’s doing, and he likes it – porn, lying, sadism, etc. It’s his choice in full knowledge, and God allows him to make his own choices.
Annette,
I am referring to a person changing after marriage to being evil. I believe ppl can change at any point in their lives. Trauma, etc can do this. Personality tests such as the Myers-Briggs test sometimes will admit that results can be skewed by life experiences. I myself, am now extroverted due to trauma. It’s a rare thing but can happen. I need ppl. Then again I was never “sucked-dry”, exhausted by interacting with ppl like a true introvert. Maybe I was on the border anyway. Would I had been deceitful & fraudulent to portray myself as introverted though? No, I WAS. I am not now tho.
Maybe Judas was not evil and then decided to be and turn Jesus in. I know we always say he was born evil, but was he?
The point about a covenant though is you will honor it no matter the other party’s future actions or inconvenience to you. I can’t find it but there is a verse (in Prov or Psalms?) that talks about a man keeping his vow even though it’s hard or even brings harm to him.
I don’t think we need to keep getting beat, mentally or physically. We can leave. And have peace. And, yes, keeping that vow will harm us on some levels.
But righteousness is kept by Jesus anyway, not us, right? We just do our part and let God worry about the outcome.
Whether they become who they should or not, we don’t have to be around to catch the fallout, no way. That’s not what Im talking about.
Hey at least you’re open to contact with your ex, should he repent and live right and you could see it and had peace about it, etc. Honestly, Chad could be God’s right hand man on earth for the rest of his life on earth. I would not want a thing to do with him still. And I don’t think that’s mean-spirited of me. It’s just a consequence of his sin. I really don’t wish ill of Chad. I just don’t care at all what happens in his corner.
NOW, here’s another topic…do ppl have freewill really? I don’t think so :0
Here are some details that might help. 1 Cor 7:15 says that the abandoned spouse is unbound from the marriage. This means that the abandoned spouse is free from the obligations of marriage, free to be single, free to remarry. There really can’t be a marriage with only one spouse, whether the other spouse leaves or dies, or goes on to remarry someone else.
Matt 19:9 uses the Greek work ‘pornea’ which refers to all sexual sin including adultery, fornication, and same sex activity. The Greek word is used in various passages in the NT and is translated into different English words depending on the context. Therefore sexual sin is a valid reason for divorce. Sexual sin is such a serious sin against the marriage that it is not always possible to repair the damage enough to continue.
The marriage promise is made to God, not to the other spouse. Therefore spouses can’t agree to divorce and render the marriage void. Only God can do that. He gives us the circumstances in these 2 passages where a spouse is unbound, that is freed from the obligations of, the marriage.
It is worth remembering that a wronged spouse can choose to forgive the cheating spouse if he chooses to stop committing sexual sin and the abandoning spouse if he returns to the marriage. The marriage can be reaffirmed, and in an instance of one mistake it is likely that it would be wise to do so. But God does not require it.
The abandoning spouse may remarry or continue cheating on the marriage regularly. God allows the wronged spouse freedom from the marriage bonds.
Noteworthy that the Bible does not allow divorce from an abusive spouse. Separation is allowed, but the spouses must remain single or reunite according to 1 Cor 7:10-11.
An insight to the word ‘bound’ where it is explained that unbound means free to remarry is found in 1 Cor 7:39. A spouse is bound to the marriage until death only and then is unbound. It is clearly stated here that unbound means “free to remarry whom she wishes, only in the Lord,” which means one must marry a Christian.
Underlying all this is the general Biblical prohibition against any sexual activity outside of marriage (Exodus 20, 1 Cor 6:18-20, Hebrews 13:4, Gal 5:19-21…) That concept is more basic and broader.
Why can’t there be a marraige with only spouse? When one spouse cheats, has an affair, murders their children or just hotly says, it’s over; then it is? The vow is made before God, it’s not a contract. The actions of one party do not nullify a covenant. Many marriages have been saved simply because one spouse stood the gap and would not back down. Even with the other one telling them how stupid they were, for years.
Yes there are different translations for pornea and in this verse fornication was used instead of adultery, for the reason I mentioned.
ICor 7:39 is clearly worded the wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. Not to be trampled on but she’s married to the asshole even if he gets with 15 more women or marries 5 more times after divorcing her. God hates divorce and He doesn’t break the covenant except for that instance of cheating while betrothed.
If someone has peace about what they are doing, or have done, regarding divorce and remarriage so be it.
I’m just rebutting the popular views that have floated around the Church since the 50s when the Church went downhill.
Very few ppl hear the whole story. And it’s totally understandable when someone is wronged in this gut- wrenching way. We want to strike back. We want to end the relationshyt.
There are whole books written on this subject. From both perspectives.
Aint,
You ask some really good questions. Thank you for an interesting thought provocative discussion. I see your points, even though I don’t come to the same conclusions from Bible study as you do.
I think I understand what you mean by covenant vs. contract, and a lot of people don’t understand it this way. The marriage promises are made to God, not to the spouse, so yes, for better or for worse until death, there are very few valid reasons where God allows divorce. Difficult to understand, but murdering the children isn’t one of them, but in reality whoever does that is probably cheating and abandoning the marriage, too…. And because it’s a covenant one spouse can’t release the other and the spouses can’t get together and decide to divorce because they both want to. They promised God that they would love and cherish, not just stay married, and it is a unilateral promise to God, regardless of their spouses behavior.
I don’t think a spouse can love and cherish a spouse who isn’t there due to abandonment or death.
The English word used in Matt 9:19 varies from one version to another, some use ‘sexual immorality’ which many scholars understand to be the most accurate. I recognize that you don’t see it that way, and I respect your understanding.
My understanding of divorce when it’s allowed by God isn’t in terms of striking back by ending the marriage because of being wronged. I see it as being freed from the nonexistant bonds to a marriage that is already non existent, because the spouse doesn’t want it and won’t do it.
I understand fornication to be sexual activity not just while betrothed but anytime before marriage when single, or after a marriage ends when single again. I was widowed and thus freed from the obligations of my first marriage, so I would be fornicating if I engaged in physical intimacy outside of marriage.
I agree that marriages have been salvaged because of the patient choices of the righteous spouse. This would be a wise choice when the spouse doing wrong made a mistake and is repentant. As I understand the Biblical instructions, there is no requirement to divorce when God allows it. It is a matter of discernment and personal choice according to one’s conscience. In my own situation, I have not bothered to get a civil divorce, but my understanding is that in God’s eyes I am no longer obligated to the cross dressing porn addicted (child porn and gay mens porn) lying abuser who left the marriage, and keeps doing this same stuff he’s been doing for about 4+ decades through 2 marriages.
Do you think that a spouse is bound even when the abandoning spouse divorces her? Or remarries someone else? That would get into the area of polygamy, and there are various understandings of the Biblical instructions about that. My understanding is that even though it was practiced, it’s not right any more than lots of other wrong behaviors recorded in the OT.
I’m also thinking that God does not compel anyone to do anything. He will not force a spouse who cheats or abandons to do right. He allows us freedom to make whatever choices we want.
Consider that Jesus became unbound and free to remarry from his spiritual marriage to ancient Israel due to that nation’s repeated adultery. In that paradigm, His future bride is now the Church of the New Testament.
Why can’t there be marriage with only one spouse? In my experience when my husband died, I could not fulfill my obligations to the marriage. When the spath husband left me, I was pretty much in the same situation.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important matter. We won’t go wrong remaining single, that’s for sure.
Annette, what you said in your last post was really profound and healing: God gave man the right of free will, and what he does with it (good, bad or ugly) is within his own power, not ours nor God’s. Unfortunately, we’ve hit the end of our ability to Reply to the specific post I’m referring to. 🙂
I’m glad it’s helpful. For me easier said than done. I have to force my mind and emotions daily to let go and let God deal with it, and accept that God has decided to give us free moral agency and not MAKE people do what’s right. (Same challenge I face in raising my son…) I understand the peace in yielding to reality, to God, but I’m not there yet. Like everything else it’s a process.
My pastor said something very interesting. “Quitt having conversation with yourself in your head, the problem gets blown out of proportion, instead ask God to take over “. It makes a lot if sense. Taralev maybe you can communicate not with yourself in your head, ask God what he can do about this and let him take over. After all it’s out of your control anyhow.
My therapist also told me to stop having conversations with myself in my head. Not everything we think is true, or good for us.
I wish I could just look in the mirror and say I am better then this. I know deep down I am..but he had torn me down to a level I never imagined. I know its his sick head..but why me. Why any of us? I fall asleep sometimes and dream that I wake up hes there..it seems unreal that he was there..and in a blink gone. Gone out of my life. He hates ME..but I did nothing. He said he will never be with me or see me again. Shouldn’t it be ME that never wants to see HIM?
I can take the blame for being annoying, a nag, maybe a bit controlling at times I can see those faults in me..but he did what he wanted..when he wanted..i wasn’t trying to control him by asking him to change his address. We lived there 4 years before I asked him!!
I talk to Donna tommrow- I set up a appointment I will let all my friends on here know how it goes. I just am tired of crying. In 2 hours- I will be home..alone..crying as normal. Then bed. Its all I do. I want to see him..i could drive over and see him if I wanted hes only 20 minutes away. But to say what. Nothing I ask will be the truth
You’re doing a good job thinking about some things clearly. It’s hard work. You’re right, it’s you who doesn’t want to see him again. What you miss is the man you loved, who he said he was. Not who he really is. You didn’t know.
If you’re getting tired of crying, maybe you’re getting to the end of it. When my husband died, I cried every day for about a year. Not for hours the whole year, but maybe 15 minutes or so towards the end. Our son was about 3-6 months and one day I was holding him and having my usual cry and baby looked at me funny. I saw he was getting old enough to notice, so I decided to stop. I still get teary eyed at certain memories, but that was when that stage of my grieving was done.
You’ll get to the point when you’re done grieving, and you’re ready to do some other things in life. Maybe you’re getting close to that now.