UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
It’s now been a little over 3 days of NC with my spath. He sent me an email today saying how much I’ve hurt him, that yes he’s hid things from me, but that I am a coward and should be ashamed of myself and my behavior, but that he loves me and I’m still the best woman he’s ever laid eyes on. Blech. I’m in an angry mode and hope to stay strong. He ended the email with “I will never contact you again.” Like I haven’t heard that one before”.one can only hope!
Questions to all of you about the discard”up until today I was under the belief that I had not experienced the discard part like many of you”I had gotten away! In reading the posts about discard this morning, I realized I was discarded! Many times, I think” Our final breakup he broke up with me, said “I’m blaming you” and made it seem like my fault. Not even 2 days after he contacted me and he’s been trying to get me back since (for the past couple of months) because he wants to desperately marry me (I’m so sure). So this whole time in my head I’ve been thinking that I left”even though I’ve talked about him leaving and blaming me, I didn’t consider it a discard (I mean, he’s been trying to get me back”how could that be a discard!).
Then I got to thinking about our relationship we broke up 2x for 5-7 days and a few times for 1-2 days. All times I told him I didn’t want to break up with him but he made me think that I wanted to and I’d question myself, so we’d break up, even though I didn’t want to! It was so confusing. We’d even laugh about how silly we’d been when we’d get back together (which he always punished me for later). Do you think he was discarding me all those times? I remember weeks after our week long breakup that one of his best friends called and I could hear him in the background. My ex told him he was with me and his friend said “Which one is she?” At this point in our relationship we had been together for almost a year, I hung out with his friend on multiple occasions (one would think I wouldn’t be easily confused as someone else). I thought I was so special and his friend didn’t even know we had been back together for the past 3 weeks, how could that be?!! My ex talked me down about it, of course. I’m wondering now if he was discarding me through breakups and wouldn’t tell his friends we were back together so that he could cheat. After all, it wouldn’t be considered cheating if we weren’t together”we have many mutual friends, they wouldn’t think to question it if we were broken up.
So was I discarded? Do most men discard and cheat during those times??
TDS79
Love that backwards thinking logic: He HIDES who he truly is, but blames You? for being a coward. And so, to the woman who is the best woman, THIS is how he treats the BEST woman?
What’s really happening is that he’s incapable of attachment, and he blames you for it. But gee, not taking responsibility for HIS inadequacy and inability to attach, is not cowardly. Nosireeebob.
I agree with one thing he says. YOU ARE THE BEST WOMAN. So I hope you move on because his abuse, and his entitlement to be abusive, is the BEST he has to offer. Too bad he wasn’t honest upfront and said so, you could have saved a lot of time and bother.
To answer your last question: NO. Most MEN do NOT discard and cheat during those times. Only those without a conscience do that.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, thank you for your kind response. I never thought a blog could be such a gift to my soul and needs. It’s funny, reading that email I can definitely see the abuse in his words. But yet, I didn’t even realize how much he abused me until over a month after we broke up. I continued to feel confused and like it was my fault. I strongly considered getting back together until all of the lies started surfacing. I still don’t know what’s true or what’s not. Even in his email he brought up some of the lies but mixed them up again (he doesn’t keep his lies straight!) I’m starting to think he does that on purpose so I’ll respond…he knows it drives me crazy. Maybe I’m over thinking it all?
I’ve been having moments when I think, maybe this is all in my head? And then I remind myself of the truth by reading posts and articles (he fits sociopath to a T!). Not to mention he told me in the beginning he was diagnosed a sociopath but his therapist was stupid. I still can’t figure out why he told me that one. How could I not see it then? I’m just fighting the urge not to respond. I wrote an email to him and sent it to myself so that it felt like I was sending it to him….this is so so hard, even though I know it’s for the best. Like you said, “WE, THE DISCARDED, ARE THE LUCKY ONES.” So why does this feel so wrong? Why is it he’s hurt me so bad and I still want to talk to him? Even when I’m worried about my safety (aside to find out where he is)? I have moments of clarification…just not at this at this moment!
TDS79
You ask, Why are YOU still attached to such a monster? Look up learn EVERYTHING about Stockholm syndrome. Your psyche has been hijacked.
I understand having moments of clarification and then going back into the fog. One thing I did was write postit notes, the question and the answer…for those times when I lost my clarity, I had myself to bring myself to sanity.
Good tip Notwahathesaidofme – thanks I’ll use that one.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I’ve heard about traumatic bonding but Stockholm syndrome never occurred to me. After researching it makes sense. It’s so hard to believe this is what’s happened to me. I just keep replaying in my head things he said to me to cut me down and all the horrible things he’s told me he’s done in the past. How could I stay with him through that?! Every time he told me something bad about himself/past I’d threaten to leave but he would talk me down and make me feel stupid for questioning him. It’s so sick.
Thank you for the postit notes suggestion. I’m definitely going to give it a shot! Anything that helps….
TDS79
Oh me too! Even with all the evidence I have ive still questioned whether it is real. I think my daughter summed it up perfectly; “after everything he did to me, he completely ***ked my life for 10 years but I don’t understand why, every time I walk into the house I just want his approval, something or anything to be good in his eyes” my spath is currently being charged with 2 counts of child sexual assult and one of them is my daughter. What saddens me is I did the same thing as her, you and everyone that subscribes to LF, what saddens me is that I still have a nagging voice in my head on occasion yet I know without question who he is and what he’s done….the crazy will fade soon I hope….
I did that too
ironic, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’re in. Being the partner in a relationship with a spath is hard enough, I’m so sad to hear that it effected your daughter so much. Hopefully he gets what he deserves! Karma is a beautiful thing! It sounds like you have a positive outlook despite the feelings of crazy. Time will help heal you. Here I’m saying that as I’m a mess! Crazy applies to all of us on here….these spaths are crazy, our stories are crazy, and as a result we feel crazy! it’s all so much to take on!
Thank you for your reply, Joyce. Your explanation helps…the brain is so complex! It helps me to think of it that way.
“The path out the door is to focus on reality”. This is where I’m stumped. I can’t seem to get out of my head. All I can think about is all of the lies, trying to figure out what was really going on. Trying to figure out why it matters. I’m not even sure about my reality at this point and nothing seems to be helping. Although I’m more clear headed today. Lovefraud helps so much!
I definitely need help. I made a therapy appointment through my insurance because I don’t have much money. They can’t even get me in until Aug 7th! I’m concerned that the therapist won’t understand or give me the insight/validation I need. I don’t want to seek help and then slip backward/feel even more crazy. These spaths are so tricky…it’s hard to believe that even professionals don’t always get it!
He was manipulating you. Would you have left him if he were a normal decent man? I don’t think the spath’s discard and the victim leaving are mutually exclusive. They can both happen. Some spaths discard once and don’t come back for awhile (I’ve heard they always come back eventually). It sounds like your ex spath made a game of discarding you. Like saying he won’t contact you again, and then doing it anyway. My ex Psychopath did this for YEARS. It was pretty much all that he did with respect to interactions in the ‘marriage.’
Sounds like your ex was dangling several women, therefore the confusion among his friends.
Most spaths apparently discard and cheat. Normal men don’t make a habit of it.
AnnettePK, you are so right….that sure didn’t take long! I just received an email with a song that plays lyrics over and over “Alone all the time”, “I can’t get you off my mind.” UGH!!!!! Last time I talked to him I told him to stop messing with my head, which of course he is soooo hurt that I could even say that!
I’m glad to have more clarification on the discard. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it until today! I do think he manipulates me and he’s done a heck of a job doing it all along. I’ve had a similar relationship in the past, although I was the other woman so it felt different, yet still extremely painful. In fact, that man messaged me just yesterday (I hear from him every 3 months or so and don’t respond). Now I see that he had the same problems. You would think I would’ve learned from sociopath #1! This time around, I feel tortured! But I think I was able to walk before marriage because I recognized at least some of what was happening, even though I love him so much (or at least who I thought he was).
Deep down I know he was at least seeing other women. I discovered last week he searches out men online for oral sex. It makes me sick, but for some reason, this isn’t bothering me as much as the thought of other women…it’s really strange. Maybe because when I think about I get so numb I can’t feel my hands. It makes no sense why I want to put up with this crap! I’m so mad at myself right now….
What exactly does the song he sent mean? Is there any concrete meaning between you and him? It sounds like vague hints, blowing hot air, word salad, with no real meaning. Is he trying to manipulate you into doing something or saying something or contacting him?
Sexual activity with other women or men….consider not having any contact with him ever about anything. It doesn’t sound like any good will come of it. There could be more bad stuff you aren’t aware of with respect to this sociopath.
AnnettePK, Thank you for encouraging me to look into those lyrics! I was definitely off and just thought about it as pathetic. There’s definitely more to it. The lyrics throughout the song are:
“Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end.
Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time
To keep you off my mind.”
It actually creeps me out a bit! My gut is telling me he’s a very bad person and is very skilled at this. What I know about him, other than the other men, is that he acts stupid — I found out his IQ is 140. He appears sober — turns out he’s a cocaine addict. He’s led a double life in the past. He’s committed serious theft crimes without getting caught. No history of violence that I know of but his crimes involved guns. He liked to intimidate me by talking randomly about his unregistered gun, although he never made direct threats. He holds lifetime grudges and I believe he’s held one against me since high school 20yrs ago.
I feel like he’s getting more angry, which concerns me. But I’m feeling better today after sticking to NC yesterday….
In your personal opinion, do you think I should be concerned about my safety? He hasn’t physically harmed any of his exes (that I’m aware of).
TDS,
Congratulations on No Contact – it will help you see things more clearly.
You’re right, the lyrics are creepy, not romantic and not very flattering. Music can be an avenue to hypnosis. It seems like he could be trying to groom you to accept the role of something he can use for a high or thrill.
It’s my understanding that your gut/intuition is very important in assessing danger to you. From what you’ve written about him, I think he could harm someone if it suited his purposes. He doesn’t seem to have the restraints that normal people have from conscience, commitment not to hurt others, not break the law, etc. Pathological liars are always potentially dangerous. He’s into power and control. Making a point to tell you he’s got a gun is an implied threat. Knowing he’s got a gun, are you going to say no to anything he tells you?
This is a free risk assessment questionnaire you fill out which helps determine danger. It is high quality professional, and takes some time to go through. It might spark some ideas about things you may have overlooked. I highly recommend it. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
You might check out the grey rock technique and get some ideas on not inciting him if he does contact you again. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
The book The Gift of Fear by deBecker is also very helpful. And anything written by Lundy Bancroft about abusive situations.
These resources helped me get clarity about my situation. My ex P messed with my mind for his power and control, and I did not consciously see his dangerousness to me.
You are doing a great job thinking about the situation you’re in and ways to make your life better. Keep us posted.
Hello All who are struggling with the WHY (been there, know the nightmare).
Here’s why the discard, no matter how wounding, is a blessing:
https://gma.yahoo.com/texas-shooter-kicked-door-tied-kids-executed-them-170644514–abc-news-topstories.html
And yes, I am spending my day praying, crying about what was nearly done to me (yes, murder), and praying more that victims who are discarded realize what these personalities are untimately capable of, and how WE, The DISCARDED, ARE THE LUCKY ONES.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, yep. This is why, despite my then friends encouraging me to take him to the cleaners, fight for what was right and being disappointed in me for what they saw as being weak and letting him “win”, I let him think he had gotten the best of me. I returned his things to him in good condition. When he stopped paying his share of the house payment and other expenses, I found a way to keep it covered on my own. I was lucky to have a team (attorney and therapist) of older women who knew what they were talking about and advised me well. After the initial stage of trying to be fair with him, my attorney told me that we needed to stop trying because he was only going to make it as difficult as possible, take as long as possible, and cost me as much as possible. The day she told me that if she ever went for more than a few days without hearing from me she would be calling the police and if anything happened to me, she would be pointing the finger at him was a game changer for me. (And this woman knew little of the details of the relationship.) My therapist told me she was thankful that I was 700 miles away from him and repeatedly reminded me to be careful.
I have no regrets about how I handled it – I know if I had fought harder for fairness, I would have lost much, much more and would still have issues outstanding. I have no regrets that my then friends said they lost respect for me because they thought I folded. They can think whatever they want.
These people are capable of anything, and to not believe that and act accordingly, let alone not not poke them, is very dangerous.
HanaleiMoon
I did the same strategy. There’s no such thing as Fairness when divorcing a sociopath.
After barely escaping with my life, I chose to BELIEVE him, I saw him MASK OFF. He NEEDED to WIN, so I made sure he knew he was “WINNING,” and knowing that he wanted to crush me so I “gave” him that too. When he started seeing the gal who was “helping him recover from being married to someone like me”, then I took that opportunity to finish my divorce and got free. HE couldn’t snag her AND maintain his sob story AND stall the divorce.
My ex did NOT follow the law, he did NOT divide assets equally. The LAW states that my signature on my settlement agreement meant I was NOT coerced into signing the papers. What a farce! Of course I was coerced! If I didn’t sign, I would have paid with my life. Whoever thought that by putting that sentence in legal papers would prevent coercion? What IDIOT actually believes an abuser will submit to written words, and that if I didn’t protest, it meant I was okay with what was done to me. I KNEW my choice was freedom or death. The law be damned. I am FREE.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, although I am sorry for the pain that is coming for her, I am glad that he got married shortly after our shared home went on the market. He caused no fuss, since I’m sure he wanted out from under the mortgage debt.
I have no idea if she knows we bought a home together a short time before they got married, or if he was already involved with her (he was involved with other women, I just don’t know if she was one of them) when we bought it. I have no idea if she is aware that he lost his job due to him harassing women under his supervision, or that he used his power as a supervisor to cause them to lose their jobs because they didn’t comply with his demands and then reported him. We were in escrow on the house when this was going on and I heard only that he was fed up with the conditions at work and quit, since we were moving anyway. I bought that, so I’m sure would too, being in love and all. I’m sure she’s helping him to recover from me, as I helped him recover from his prior wife. I’m sure he has plausible explanations for everything that paint him as the victim. His kids will not “out” him to her, as they did not to me, to stay in his good graces. Only after the discard did they tell me they knew what had been going on all along. That sure put a different spin on all the wonderful holiday meals I cooked for them over the years. Ouch.
At each point in the process, I asked myself “will this bring me further harm” and chose the path of less harm. It is relative. I don’t expect anymore for anyone who hasn’t gone through it to begin to scratch the surface on understanding.
HanaleiMoon
I am so sorry. Sometimes when I think of what they are, the absence of beingness… MAD World.
My ex’s family helped him create his image that he used to snare me. I ranted at his mom once, only once, because it’s not my thing to be disrespectful to that generation. Her response was that they hoped I would be good for him. She actually expected ME to rescue HIM from HIMSELF, that if I was the good person that I thought I was, the marriage should have worked. CONvoluted logic. The BIG CON.
I’m free, but I struggle with trying to find real meaning in life. That’s what life with him did to me, he taught me that life has no meaning. That people are scamming, or they have their heads in the sand. That real people, people who are able to truly authentically connect, are rare. That’s what I offered my ex, I was an open book, sincere and hardworking and passionate and caring and forgiving and understanding….and I learned… nobody values such a person. I’ve lost my daughter and I am of the age when people stop seeing me in society, I’m invisible. Worth less than nothing, just as my ex said, and now my daughter says as well. ffffF* it.
You’ve handled far more than I, dealing with being dumped with a house and then his marriage. So, I will draw inspiration and strength and focus on self care and take a nurturing bath, follow the path of less harm, and do better tomorrow. Night. Blessings. Thanks for your post.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I understand how you feel, because I feel much the same.
It is my hope that there are more real people who are able to truly connect and appreciate us as we are than we realize right now.
I’m struggling too, since the foundation I had spent decades building for myself (secure home, stable finances, a career I loved, knowing who I was and feeling confident, content and safe in the world) was destroyed by his actions.
I’m doing my best. That is all we can do. My hope is that we will all find our ways back to good.
I’m glad you’re safe and hope and pray it stays that way. You understand the potential danger of a spath.
Taralev
One more thing that might hurt. You will never get answers or explanation or apologies. Never. In my situation, after 17 months of being discarded, all divorce proceedings coming to an end, I still don’t have answers. Instead my son receives letters and messages in which the ex “demonizes” me and the marriage and how unhappy he was because of me. No mentioning of the lies and deceipt, the affair, the manipulating. It’s how they see it. They would not accept any blame because how would they then justify their actions ?
I stopped hoping for an answer. What would it change? Absolutely nothing.
Annette
I agree with you so much in “there is a lot of power in not saying anything “. Since I went no contact 380 days ago, I feel empowered. He can’t get to me anymore and does it ever feel good to me. Now, I set the rules for the game and I don’t participate any longer. It must be boring for him because he sure keeps trying through Jabber to my son. He claims his heart his broken, blah blah that’s all I can think. He made his bed, he lays in it.
By not responding I took all of his control away. And he will never get it back because to me he does not exist anymore. Oh, yes he does exist and for one purpose only , to write me this alimony check every month. :).
Tds
Yes, it sure is a crazy making experience. I was in that nightmare for over 20 years. The only “cure” that got me back to “normal ” was and still is the no contact. Once I removed myself from being the target of his blaming and manipulation, I was able to focus on myself and not him and what he was doing to me. It has been 381 days now of no contact. My divorce is almost final (hopefully next week after 1 year of ugly proceedings ). I was threatened by him and his attorney with getting fired from my job, sent to a mental institution and so on. It was not enough for him to cheat, lie and discard. He wanted to totally destroy my life. I had great “weapons” in this battle in form of my lawyer who did not tolerate my ex’s crap. I stayed strong and I came out ok.
It sure feels great not being called names anymore and to escape that “crazy making”. I am so lucky that I was discarded. Last year I did not see it this way but now I realize it was a big blessing. I honestly think it saved my life.
kaya48, Congratulations on so many days of no contact!! That’s quite an accomplishment for living in your nightmare for so long. It was only near a year for me and it’s still been horrible. The stories on this blog are unimaginable and the strength of everyone on here is truly admirable! It’s a blessing you’ve had a lawyer that stands strong. No one should encounter what you’ve had to. I’m only on day 4 of NC and my mind is already feeling stronger from all the crazy making. Oh, that discard….we are the lucky ones! Although it only took 2 days for my ex to pursue me after his last discard, I firmly believe he did want to make me marry him. There was one day after a little over a month of him pursuing me to win me back that I considered trying again. I’ve had gut instinct all along but that day when I got off the phone with him my gut over powered me so much that I felt sick. It was then I started researching him, discovered some of his lies and realized that I had been a victim of abuse. I’m now realizing the discard combined with my instinct saved me….Thank God. Hopefully I can be as successful as you and continue to listen to my better judgment and NC….
One more sleep! I have a little fear in the back of my mind that I’m pushing him to far. He’s lost his most prized possession already, his arrogance and confidence was tied up in his job. No more screwing everything that put there hand up while he was in his uniform. He is but a shadow of his former self, his eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and he’s looking every bit of the 51 years he is – like he gained 10 years overnight.
I know that I have to be stronger than my fears but they niggle at me. The past treats will pale into insignificance when or if he realises that he has lost everything, will he realise he has nothing else to lose and attempt to take me and my daughter out to? This is the biggest test of strength I’ve ever endured, I can’t falter now or during the court battles but I am concerned for our safety…
Prayers for success and safety. It is such an intense endeavor.
You are right to be aware of the risk. This questionnaire can be helpful: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Ironic
I know exactly what you are going through. But hoping is very right . God is always with us. One of myost favorite is:
Deuteronomy 31:6
“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid of them, for the LORD your God goes with you ; he will never leave you not forsake you. ”
I was terrified divorcing my police officer husband, believe me. But I refused and still do to live in fear of him. He has “stolen” so much from me. My lawyer advised me from the start on to stop all communication with the ex and always be one step ahead. Divorce is dramatic. Divorcing a narcissistic cop is like fighting a war.
To this day I do not trust what he could be planning so I am very careful. Also I have my lawyers telephone no with me at all times. I just never know with the ex. And I am sure they would believe his lies. After all he is highly recognized law enforcement officer. (Of course with a dark past).
Please stay safe. I am praying for you also.
AnettePK, I’m sorry to hear that his smear campaign is causing you so much stress. Making changes because of a manipulative monster is a horrible thing. Out of curiosity, how long has it been since you’ve been away from your ex? How long before the bad mouthing started? What are some of the lengths he’s gone to? My spath has said he’s going to “ruin” me to people and I feel like I’m just hanging from a thread waiting…
Thank you so much for the helpful links earlier! I took the MOSAIC domestic violence assessment and he scored 6 out of 10, which is concerning considering he’s never even been physically aggressive toward me. I feel grateful I got out so early. It was an insightful assessment….like you said it may make me see things I’ve overlooked…and it did! I didn’t even realize some of the things he was doing was so abusive. The assessment indicated that at this point escalation of my situation is very likely. Fingers crossed he just goes away….
The ex P left the first time in 2008 a year after we ‘married.’ He spent the next 4 years leaving and coming back, doing porn, child porn, manipulation, exploitation, and pathological lying, and probably cross dressing. I didn’t know about the porn and cross dressing until later. I’d never encountered anything like him, I was reeling.
I have been out for a couple of years.
When I met him (at church) he was engaged in a smear campaign against his first ex wife. I didn’t know what it was, but I did have sense enough to ask that he not talk about his ex. He agreed with my request but talked about her even more, and all of it bad. First red flag, but I didn’t know what a red flag was either.
He started smearing me, lying about me to others – his family and acquaintances (he has no friends) almost immediately after we ‘married.’ I heard about some of it through various avenues accidently (I never went looking for anything), and I am sure there was lots of stuff he did that I never heard about.
There is so much he did, mostly lying about me, and my son sometimes, to others. He lied about everything and anything to make me look bad to ministers, family and friends. He tried to turn my son and my friends against me but it didn’t work. Other things like not telling me about invitations from his family and other friends, and then telling them I refused to visit them. One of the worst he did that I’m aware of was to manipulate his daughters (one of whom is disordered, the other is a victim) into staging an ‘intervention’ to remove him from his ‘abusive wife’ (me). First he didn’t come home all night, and I not suspecting anything called around trying to find him. He made me look crazy by telling others that I knew he was spending the night at a relatives. Then he invited me to come over for the moving out ‘intervention,’ which I fell for. The daughters were brazen disrespectful insulting eyerolling scoffers at me, while he played the victim. They tore though my home taking his stuff, and some of my stuff too. It was really awful to me at the time, but now kind of comical. Just before he drove away with daughters and his stuff (regrettably not all of it, but it turned out he was just doing discard drama and planned to come back, and did, like a week later), he shouted across the yard in front of daughters, “Now you can have the hairy chested burly man you’ve always wanted.” It was an incredibly ridiculous statement, as that was not on my mind, it’s not my type, and at the time I was very confused and loved and wanted who he said he was when he love bombed me. I later discovered he is a cross dresser and most likely gay, and I realized that he is the one fantasizing about a burly hairy chested guy… whatever.
He’s apparently still bad mouthing me as recently a woman I didn’t know said she wanted to speak to me and then berated me for being a horrible wife, for refusing to forgive him (he never asked for forgiveness, yet for years when he accused me of being unforgiving I told him I forgive him for everything past present and future), that I should try harder to make a marriage with him work, that I should divorce him so he’s free (we hae a separation agreement so he’s free and can file it for final divorce anytime, that I should change my view of the truth so it matches his and a bunch of other crazy stuff. She must have gotten all this BS from him. It appears he is grooming her for whatever he can use her for. She is a typical victim, just out of a 20 year marriage to an abuser, cheater, liar, porn addict, and cross dresser.
He is probably bad mouthing me a lot more than I’m aware of.
Annette, my ex talked about his two wives constantly, especially in the first few years of the relationship. I didn’t know it was a red flag at the time either. When I met his mom for the first time, she whispered in my ear, I’m so glad he met you, he’s had such bad luck with women…I’m sure she said the same thing to his now wife.
I can’t count how many times my ex left and came back over the years, it was a regular thing with him. Sometimes he took a few days, usually it was a week or so, once it was three months. That time, it was enough time for me to be ok with him gone when he reappeared, and I was reluctant to let him back in (that time the discard had been very cruel). He eventually love bombed me into letting him back in. Now that I think of it, not even ONCE in previous relationships did I have someone do this leave and come back maneuver.
I met him at my job, and was forced out of that job under some very weird circumstances that never added up, and just recently I realized that it was likely that he had set that all up, bad mouthing me behind my back while love bombing me to my face. Almost overnight, I went from the superstar in the department to having staff, my office, and my dignity stripped from me for a reason that made no sense and couldn’t have been farther from the truth. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced up until that time, I loved that job and it meant the world to me. It makes me sick when I think of how I went to him for support during that time and he might have been the one who set it all up.
I am so glad that this evil is no longer in my life. The similarities in these men are truly creepy.
Hanalei,
That many failed relationships is not ‘bad luck with women.’ Looks like his mom isn’t holding him accountable and probably never did when he was growing up.
Hi sashastrong
I’m just getting started here as well and this experience is new to me
Can i ask what happened with you experience?If you’ve posted it on here I haven’t seen it so I’m sorry to ask you to repeat it
Hi janedoe,
I was with mine over 10 yrs, no children, engaged, but never married. (A blessing now) Mine was slick, he did everything on the sly, I found out that he was spying on me, spyware on computer, watched my phone records, everything. He would try to set me up and question me about stuff that mind you, he already knew the answers to. Always accusing me of affairs, etc. I remember now how crazy I was feeling thinking something was so not right here? Anyways when it all came out, it just all went downhill. This is how stupid I was…. He had that spyware on for over three yrs! Now wouldn’t you think that if I was having an affair that in that 3 yrs, something would have come out? No, nothing! Because I was clean, I wasn’t doing anything wrong! It’s like it became a sick hobby for him. The relationship crumbled after, I tried my best to get through that spying, because he of course begged me to stay, but trust is such a big thing, I was having a hard time. Also we had just had a home built that we just moved into. It’s like he knew he had me, because I put all the money down for home and he knew i wouldn’t just leave it. So he was good for awhile, and I thought for a time it could work, but you know when your a compulsive liar like he was, its only a matter of time before it starts again. Now I’m more suspicious of him and I was just making myself worse, more and more sick, it’s like I just sold my soul, I lost myself. I only lasted in home for a few yrs before i said its over, I want out, I want to sell. Well he wasn’t going to, so it took a good 6 mo of hounding and tracking him down from realtor before he finally signed and house went on market. Mind you, we had been living same house, but separate rooms for all this time, no intimacy. For me, it got to the point that he made me sick! I wasn’t attracted to him anymore, because it made me sick how someone could lie so much about every freaking thing! (Also, I knew nothing of personality disorders at this time) He did not have a great job, but he did work there for 25 yrs, it was only grocery retail, but he worked at a store far from the house and he would get transferred close to home and never tell me. He’d be at the store down the road and dumb me thought he was still down in the city. He followed me, he would chalk my tires so to know if I moved my car or not or went anywhere. These are just some of the things I discovered, I can only imagine what I didn’t know. I have a good job, and last fall i had to take a big test for work, it was like a 3hr board exam. And all my study material was on email, I had a small online study group that I used, well he decided to suspend my email so I have no more email. At the time, I didn’t know this, but since bill was in his name he is primary account holder so he could do that. Anyways I called verizon, not knowing what happened, because I really needed study material, and after like 2 hrs on phone with verizon, they eventually got my email back, well just as this was happening, my ex comes home from work and sees me on my ipad studying, so he heads upstairs to where the desktop computer was, he logs in and suspends me again. He proceeds to come downstairs and acts like nothing, at that exact moment, I get a pop-up on ipad that says no service or something like that, he acts like nothing happened and says, “so I’m thinking of grilling for dinner, do you feel like anything”? You piece do shit, just suspended my email and acts like nothing? I needed that stuff for work, could have lost my job! At this point some feeling came over me and I got a strong sense that this was going to be an ugly vindictive battle with him. He started not coming home at times, yet if I went out to dinner with my friends and he smelled perfume on me, he harassed me all night about how he bought that perfume for me and blah, blah, blah. Next day he’d barrage me with text messages of belligerent and disgusting things like when you fuck a guy, you tell him I picked out that perfume for you, etc… My ex is over 50 but I started seeing a very sick and like immature side? One day he’d walk around house making “blow-job gestures” graphic with noises and all! Next day he’d be trying to get in the shower with me! It became sick! I went away for the weekend because I had to take that darn board exam for work, because I couldn’t study at home, I would lock myself in room, he would just bust through and bully me all night, Imagine trying to study then? So went away, studied for weekend, came home to his abuse,he wouldn’t hit me but he push me with his shoulder so as not to use his hands. I’m 5’2, he’s almost 6′. I can still feel his spit on my face because he was inches from my face screaming “whore ” so full of rage that I could feel the spit from it! I had never felt afraid of him until that night, fight escalated, I was knocked to ground and he was sitting on me preventing me from getting phone, a neighbor hears us fighting, calls police, I just got home from being away! My ex freaks when he finds out neighbor called, he puts his fist thru a laundry basket so the hard plastic scratched the top of his hand! As soon as police arrive ex is claiming victim and trying to get me arrested! Well, we both get arrested and charged. He puts restraining order on me. It became a nightmare! My test was in 1 week! I have to start showing the home to buyers, it was a mess! I had to leave my home that I put everything into for a week, while I was out, he stole a lot of my personal items!! I came home after a week and saw this, so I changed locks, naturally he freaked. I told attorney all this and he said to change them! He’d come over and rage, he’s on tape accusing me of sleeping with my attorney, that didnt go over well! My attorney thought it wasnt safe for us to still live together so Ex was given the option if he wanted to take over home and all expenses until it sold, well he could never afford it, I am the breadwinner so I had to do it, mind you i could handle the expense for awhile, but not forever. But he would never take his belongings! He took his clothes, he had no furniture. He’d start stalking me and the home and there wasnt anything i could do about it, because his name was on home. I lived in fear, he could force entry at any time. But we started to have a lot of people looking at home but it was also christmas time so not super busy. He was enraged that I lived in home and he couldn’t, as I know he loved the home. Hey, he was given that option first! He should have been lucky that I was saving his credit! But noooo, proceeded to “stalk house”.
Jane, sorry its such along story,I’ll end here for a minute then come back to finish!
Sorry so long, it’s hard to tell 10 yrs of craziness! Anyways ex continued to harass me, he’d vandalized the sliding glass door (had to be replaced), he’d steal anything he could from me, I’d come home any my patio furniture would be gone, he’d do immature things also, wintertime, I’d shovel snow from driveway, only to come home later and “someone” put it all back in driveway? WTF! Anything left outside would be gone next day. Then he became obsessed with disconnecting my cable wires, do you know how freaking frustrating it was to be out in the dead of winter, dark out, trying to connect wires together, as he’d be driving by? It went from cables, to disconnecting my water at times, I never knew what i was to come home to. Eventually offers came in on home and he’d always find some reason or another to deny them and we’d lose them. He’d stand in my driveway raging at me, saying he was going to destroy me in every way! My realtor was beside herself, she was ready to bail. It was so hard to explain the lunacy that was occurring because no one can understand that someone could be so evil. Mine was a charmer too. I struggled to understand myself how someone could be this way, that’s when I started to research. And I’m
not exactly sure which category my ex falls under but whichever it is, he is not normal. It was during this time when I started NC, I stopped flipping out over or going outside to speak with him, that’s when he’d start upping the ante on what he’d do.
Sashastrong thanks for getting back to me I’m sorry you had to go through the story again I just needed to hear it and understand it so I could reply
So you two were not married and no kids, thank god for that BUT you seem to have gone through a tremendous amount of suffering whether physical or emotional…wow
If you never gave him reason to be suspicious why the heck was he putting that spyware on your computer? After three years of finding nothing it sounds as though he was hoping to find something! Why though? Why did he want to blame you for something in the first place?
Did any of his family or friends or your family and friends see this side of him to warn you?
It sounds like he was obsessed with making you crazy more than anything…putting snow back jn your driveway after you shoveled? What about neighbors they must have thought he was not normal?
Had you ever caught him in cheating lies? Anything like that? Not that you need that to add to your stress!!
Sashastrong
I’m moving out today without his knowledge. He’ll arrive home to a modestly furnished house with the bed made a dinner in the fridge. I’m trying to do everything to avoid the anger he’ll feel because I took back my power – moving out with his knowledge is not an option because he’ll just lock me out with nothing and I paid for everything to make our house a home….
I’ve had visions of him destroying things and stealing back my stuff from the new house. I’m grateful you posted this because I’m going to trust my instincts and be more protective of my things ie; outdoor furniture etc…
ironic, I had to laugh when you said that he will come home to the bed made and dinner in the refrigerator! That is just what I would have done!
Good luck and stay safe!
sashastrong, we have so much in common! I was with my ex for 7 years and was not married to him. You may have read here that we bought a house together with me putting in most of the down payment and he discarded me in less that 3 months after escrow closed, without ever moving in. I was left holding the bag on all the expenses of the house.
It took almost 3 years but the house was finally sold in February (like yours, he delayed getting the house on the market for over a year due to his antics). I lost well over $100k of my investment plus all the money it took to support the house for that time.
My ex’s name was on the title to the house and mortgage, so I also lived in fear of him deciding to come in, or find a way to harm my credit even though I was going broke supporting the house.
Arggggh! My ex is in his late 50’s and he generally acted like an immature 14 year old.
HanaleiMoon,
I remember reading some of your posts and thinking it was very similar to mine. Same here, I lost all money too, I put all my own money down, nothing from him. I’m the one that saved the home and his freakin credit. I did all the showings to get the home sold and only for him to decline this offer and that offer because he wanted it sold for more money to make more profit! Uhhhhh….excuse me here but you didn’t put one red cent of down payment, I alone have been paying and maintaining for 7 months and he thinks he’s going to just sit there with his fat hands open waiting for a profit to go to him? I was sick about having to do that, but you know how it goes, 50/50!! Well, I did get him somewhat at the end, because he was thinking he was going to get this big ole check of profit, little did he know that I dwindled it down to peanuts! Hey, I had to make all repairs on anything he vandalized, and some bills got delayed because it was becoming too much for me. It was a hefty amount after awhile. He raged, threatened he’s coming after me, going to sue me and all. Havent heard anything yet, but this was just last month, so who knows?
But I so feel for you, I have to say that I didn’t lose as much money as you did, and I’m so sorry you did. But you have to look at it like, if you stayed with him you’d be losing so much more, not just money. My ex is early 50’s and acted like a toddler who took his toy away.
sashastrong, it took over a year for him to agree to a listing price and sign the listing agreement…the home ended up being sold for $135k UNDER the asking price. He didn’t care about the selling price at that point, since it was all my loss. As for the cost to carry the property, there was no way to recover it.
I had a lot of time to prepare myself mentally/emotionally for the financial loss but it was still a bitter pill to swallow. I was at the escrow company alone that day since he (thankfully) signed the escrow papers electronically (I was worried up to the end that he would show up and how could I prevent that) and it was a very emotional thing for me, but I held it together. I’m sure he got a thrill, knowing that he had broken me financially without lifting a finger. I hope it was a good one, since it was the last one he will be getting off of me.
Hi Jane, this is first time i posted story so no need to apologize, I just thank you for listening.
We were only engaged, I believe he always accused me because that’s what he was doing. He always said his ex wife cheated, but nooo, he cheated on her twice! She had enough and filed for divorce which he strung along, taking her back and forth to court, trying to ruin her financially. And to top it off he puts his ole trademark “restraining order” on her too! He went from her, to living with another woman, I was the “runaround” girl with her, unbeknownst to me though. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone, oh but he just left out the part that he was LIVING with someone! He has a jealousy streak, he was a control freak. He’s a FB junkie, online junkie trolling around. He sets up his next victim well before he’s over and out with the current woman. Even though he was still trying to get me back, he was also working on setting up the next victim so he literally goes from one, and right into the next! It’s amazing to me! I remember once a piece of mail coming to MY home addressed to him and another woman!! What a low-life scumbag! He can’t make it on his own, that’s why he needs a replacement to fill. His family knew about spyware, they acted like they couldn’t believe, but I honestly think that they know he is disordered but they choose to ignore or something? They try to portray a “close family”, but they’re all weird! It’s hard to explain, I think they’re all enablers to him? I know that blood is thicker than water, but come on… They know what he did to me, but he’s created some craziness about me I’m sure of it, because they all turned their back on me! I don’t think they know the half of what he does to woman! My family doesn’t live in state so they couldn’t really know. Oh yes, towards the end of us, he was working other woman hard core, that’s when he wasnt coming home, yet he’d tell me he needed time to think. He’d be who knows where with her, then come home to me and stay outside all evening washing his car or doing yard work, trying to charm all the neighbors. He’s evil to the core, I watched him, he’d be speaking to the neighbors and even include me if I was outside, then we’d go inside house and he’d ignore me or call me a whore, or whatever craziness. Then later in the evening, he’d try to crawl into my bed at night? Seriously? I was sickened! I was different in the fact that he didn’t have the whole sexual hold over me like some do, quite honestly I didn’t think he was good sexually, that or maybe I just became so disgusted and turned off by everything he did. And when I wouldn’t respond to his advances, he’d get so pissed off. He must have thought he was God’s gift of sexiness then because he’d suddenly started to walk around the house naked! it was quite comical, always trying hard to make a show of it, he wouldn’t be speaking to me for over a week, yet suddenly he always has the need to come right up to me, naked! More than once, I swear I felt vomit in my throat!! I just completely ignored him, never even acknowledged he was naked! He hated it!
Then he’d start with the immature sneakiness, he’d reset my alarm clock so I’d be late for work, he stole my perfume,etc, he’d move my belongings around the home so I couldn’t find but he’d swear he’d never touch them! He did really weird, weird things, he’d always lift the window blinds in my room only, about 2 inches, I’d come home, fix them, only to have him do it again. At first i thought I was loosing it, I would swear i put blinds down, yeah, then I started keeping track. After police arrest and he had to leave the home, it was as if he was loosing even more control, he really wanted to destroy me. I just kept trying to get through and pray home sold. He’d ruin any flowers in the garden, if it snowed he’d try to scare me and put footprints in front of all the windows, always move the screen on the slider as if someone was trying toget in, id see him peaking in windows, walking around house, it was so many things, craziness! We lived in an older neighborhood, (people were older), so they didn’t see a lot because he’d do it late night or crazy hours.
At this time, I used to think, ok he’s so happy with other woman, then why you coming around bothering me all the time? Just a low-life, evil to the core.
Hey, I apologize, I noticed some of my posts were duplicates, I don’t know where my post goes? I don’t know if I’m supposed to reply only or if I should be posting on the most current page after the last person?
Sashastrong
Mine did the same thing! Parading around in his undies. The first time he did it I was just confused but after the second time I knew what he was trying to achieve and I laughed in his face – he was not impressed! WTF is that? I mean I understand being sexy while your in the throws of love making but doing when you haven’t spoken to me for a week and then looking back, realising you’d been screwing other women the whole time? Nuts they are!
sashastrong, your post reminded me of one of the stunts my ex pulled on me a few weeks prior to the last Christmas we were together.
An acquaintance of his had an annual Christmas party and we had gone several years in a row – it was quite lavish and we were looking forward to it (well, I was at least). The invitation was on the refrigerator, we were planning on going and I had already bought a gift to take.
A couple of weeks before this party, he told me in an offhand way that the owner of his gym was planning a special Christmas party for his clients and it was on the same day as the other party and he felt obligated to make an appearance. I said huh? Why would you feel obligated, just tell him you already have a commitment and let it go. Over the next little while, he brought it up several times, reminding me that he felt like he needed to go (always adding that he didn’t WANT to go, but felt obligated) and letting it trail off. He never mentioned taking me, and when I asked him, he said that no one was bringing dates. He told me that I should still go to the other party, that he would be home early and that he would probably be able to catch up with me there.
The night of the parties, I arrived (we lived about an hour apart) with my outfit for the party, the gift, and chatted with him as he got ready to go. He said that he really wasn’t looking forward to the evening, again that he felt obligated and he would be bowing out early to meet me at the other party. He said that the gym owner had rented a “party bus” in a town about 45 minutes away and it would be a night of drinking and he planned to bail early and be home by 8:30 at the latest and meet me at the other party. He left the house at around 4:30, which seemed really odd to me, but he explained it away saying that that was when they were told to arrive so who was he to question.
All this had me out of sorts, and I decided not to go to the other party. His daughter was hanging around the house (she didn’t live there) and we ended up ordering a pizza and watching a movie together. Around 8, she asked me when I was heading for home. I said I wasn’t going home, that he would be back around 8:30. She told me that the reason that she was there was that he had asked her to come and stay with the dogs since he was not planning on coming home until the next day! Well, this embarrassed and frosted me to no end. I ended up going to bed and fuming. I got a text from him around midnight or so, saying that he had had some trouble and was just heading home and would be there in about an hour. It was raining that night and he texted that he had gotten soaked and was freezing.
There were several other texts and he finally got home. I ignored him until he got in my face, telling me to get up and help him out of his wet clothes and get him dried off and warmed up. He was half drunk and soaked through, including his shoes. He told me a long winded and very detailed story of what had happened (he was never long winded or detailed and I later learned that people who are lying generally add a lot of details to make it seem true) that would have made a great movie. None of it made sense. He decided to get off the bus at a bar, walk back to his truck and got lost, ended up in another bar, walked several miles in the rain, etc.
I told him that I was furious and embarrassed that he had asked his daughter to stay because he had no plans of coming home and wtf, what was the truth? He made up something about thinking that I would stay home since he wasn’t going to the other party and I ended up coming, blah blah blah. I told him he knew i was coming and even encouraged me to do so, so what was the real story? I turned my back on him and let him deal with his own wet clothes.
In the morning of course there was more discussion, I ended up looking like the crazy one, and was reprimanded for failing to jump up and take care of him when he did arrive home. It is testament to his skill at brainwashing and control that I spent a miserable day at his house, because I wanted to prove that I didn’t run when there was trouble, even though it was perfectly clear he lied to everyone and had been up to something shady.
I never found out anything else about that night, except I now believe that he had a special date planned (since he started clearing the decks with me weeks in advance) and thought he had it covered. His other cheating happened when I was at work or at my own house, I guess this was a special occasion, or maybe he had already decided I was of little use to him. It’s further testament to his skill that we bought that house together less than four months later, and I had already completely forgotten about this incident and how much it had hurt. Three months after that, when I was finally discarded for good, it hit me like a meteor out of nowhere.
HanaleiMoon,
It’s just lie after lie with them. They lie when they don’t even have to. I was so fed up with the elaborate lies. He duped me one too many times. I wished I could just walk out, but I had the house. I told mine it was over and he didn’t like that so he set out to find my replacement. And that’s just what he did. And he still had the audacity to still try to get me to stay. Sorry, but I’m about done with you thinking you can run off chasing a new woman while your still living with me and then further think you can just return home afterwards and try to make moves on me.
As hard as it is to wrap our heads around this behavior, we are much better off without.
HanaleiMoon, just think, any parties that came up over the years, this is the type of crap you’d have to endure in some form or another. Your worth so much more, you deserve to go to any parties and have a great time. Let someone else deal with changing his wet clothes or whatever, someone needs to give him a diaper more like it for the way he acts! Mine is right up there too, how about a baby bottle for him!
Did you ever find out why he was soaking wet? Maybe his ‘date’ figured him out and threw him out in the rain.
sashastrong, one of the books I read said they often have a number of women in different stages…potentials for grooming, grooming, love bombing, devaluation, pre-discarding, and active discarding…and the timing of these stages can range from days to decades. (These are my terms.) They can’t seem to spend a minute alone with themselves without female companionship in some form. This sure applied to my ex. I loved him and valued the relationship and conducted myself accordingly, meanwhile, it meant nothing to him. It is amazing to look back and see how much mind control was going on. It’s very scary.
Annette, LOL, I never found out while he was soaking wet! It crossed my mind that his “date” threw him out, or for all I know, he did it himself to make his excuse seem real. Yeech!
Hi sashastrong no need to apologize I’m new here and have no clue half the time where I’m posting either lol
I can’t believe your story…his family knew about the spyware and thought not to tell you? He probably told them something awful about you to them otherwise they’d have told you!!
I have to admit that some of the things you’ve described here have me laughing as I can imagine how totally ridiculous he looked standing there naked or peering in your windows or making footprints in the snow…yeh he’s a classic lunatic! Gods gift to sexiness!!! Yeh ok lolol!!! Ugh if someone would just video tape what they are doing and show it back they’d realize how dumb they look…actually…they probably wouldn’t!
How long has it been NC for you or did you say already?
With me I don’t even live with him let alone jn the same country and the man makes me nuts!
Long story short he approached me online a few years back and we started “seeing” one another. He would visit 2-3 times a year for a few weeks at a time and we had daily communication via email, Skype and phone/texting. He promised me all sorts of things and came through at times. But I always seemed to find him a bit sneaky and found some social sites he was on that included his name being made up and lists of wkmen as contacts who he’d make promises to to visit them. Of course I got sick to my stomach and approached him asking why do you have a totally different profile with a different name and communicate with women that you’re telling “I love you” and “can’t wait to be with you”?
He always had some stupid excuse that I didn’t see that and I was wrong…in the meantime he’d immediately block me out of the websites so I cld no longer see what was Happening to prove
To him…THAT was my first clue and instinct that he was no good. But…he convinced me I was wrong and I sort of thought “hmmm ok Maybe i was wrong”
Friends immediately told me he was a scheister and sneak…i let it go. Over the three years things like that would surface and I’d sometimes approach or let it go because we were constantly communicating and visits were taking place, I figured he loved me and the rest was my imagination.
The final straw was last year when he was “away” on a contract for work and hasn’t heard from him for a cpl days. I wrote him and finally he confirmed “I have met a young girl and we are getting married”
Ok…what? Excuse me? In a matter of a few days you’ve fallen in love and are getting married? After a few weeks “on contract” he went back home and we resumed normal contact and visiting and he told me and promised that he was wrong and he’d made a huge mistake…he was sending me pics of her and asking me how ugly or fat I thought she was…he was putting her family down and everything about her, calling her horrible names etc so I figured “ok he must be telling the truth” we resumed seeing each other and I would ask from time to time about her in messages and always managed to answer my messages and leave out any answers pertaining to her…hmm strange
He was here with me in march /april and we had a normal visit he called it “the little honeymoon” and when he went back home things started becoming very very strange. He’d had a car accident, insurance problems, a “contract” fell through which meant no income coming in, he’d been writing a thesis for his masters degree and the publication of that fell through..so he fell into a depression, rightfully so…I thought so at least. He told me be needed to go away for a few days and talk to nobody so he cld sort out his mind. He returned I heard nothing until I contacted him and for a few days he told me things were ok and he really needed to move from his home and was thinking of moving to the US.
Agajn he shut down for a cpl days only to tell me finally he was moving to be with the girl
From a year ago and he hoped he’d made th right choice…I was more special to him than her and he’s not sure if what he’s doing is right. We went back and forth until he left at the end of June to be with her…we had contact right up until he boarded his plane and since then….I have heard nothing. It’s now been two weeks with no contact from either and all I know is he lied and cheated the whole three years of being together with me and the promises he made were all lies
At the moment I’m trying to convince myself he is a sociopath or some form of it.
I didn’t have the physical abuse or verbal abuse but the lies And manipulating are scars that aren’t visible. I’m trying my hardest not to contact him and have to keep reminding myself he made his horrible situation happen
He is 60, she is 30 and he went to live with her family until they marry….
Oh wow…I said this wouldn’t be long didn’t I?? And i only have one or two examples of his psychotic behavior!
Jane,
He is a sociopath. He is a liar. He is a manipulator. He is a cheater. He is an exploiter.
I am so sorry you were victimized. What an evil jerk.
Janedoe,
Yes, he is definitely a sociopath, or narc, but whichever, he’s clearly disordered. A normal man would not treat someone like he’s been treating you, the back and forth like trying to make up his mind and decide whom he loves more? All that manipulative game playing is not love and is not normal. And no man should show their partner pics of another woman asking thoughts on her, if she was ugly, fat, etc. I have to wonder if he was doing that to you, was he showing your picture to another woman asking her thoughts of you also? I learned that whatever mine was accusing me of doing, was EXACTLY what HE was doing. It’s sick, that’s how they justify their evil behavior, by convincing themselves your doing the bad.
Jane, your so much better off without him, I know that doesn’t take away the hurt you feel, but look at it this way, these two examples you’ve explained thus far is just a tad bit of how your relationship with him is. Add to it all the rest of his crap he’s pulled with you and then take a step back and sum all this up and what you have is how the rest of your life will go with him! And you certainly don’t deserve that abuse! I believe this type of abuse is just as painful and debilitating as physical. If we women were to be opened up, people would then see all the scars on our hearts!
Why not try the online dating locally? So it’s not long distance? Not saying that there aren’t these type of men locally who could do exactly the same, but perhaps you’d see someone more and just get to know them better? Just a thought, no right or wrong with either. Think of all the time you waste worrying or wondering about this man, and the endless is he for real this time? Wasting your time with him will prevent you from possibly having a normal good man from entering your life.
Call me too emotional, but I refuse to accept a man falling in love or marrying in a matter of days is normal! That’s not someone who you deserve to be with janedoe. Good for you for no contact! I so know how hard it is, I really do. But if the three years you were together were full of lies and deceit, imagine what your future would be like? You’d only end up losing yourself, don’t do what I did, for over ten years i questioned everything, lost myself because I knew how sneaky he was yet i was in denial of some sort, afraid to be alone. And when you look back or even look to the future, it never gets better with men like them, we’re the ones who become heartbroken picking up the pieces, they don’t care to stick around and help you with those pieces.
No, sorry, I didn’t word myself clearly, his family didnt know he spied for over three years, but when all of it did come out, I was so horrified and heartbroken and to me they didn’t seem too phased by it. It was very weird, so fast forward to when things got ugly with us with the police and all, I just found it amazing that his family knew what he was capable of doing (the spying) yet they all completely turned on me. They certainly know I couldn’t hurt him, my small size alone compared to him, even the cops were stunned when he put restraining order on me. A sissy move as they said.
I do try to put a little humor into my stories as it keeps me sane, laughter, the world needs more of it!
Sasha,
I was almost thinking maybe your ex is delusional, but when you describe him perfectly in control making a show of normalcy for the neighbors, it proves he is perfectly capable of acting normal and he knows what normal is. He chooses to do the crazy evil stuff to you. That is scary. He sounds potentially very dangerous. I hope you always do everything you can to stay safe from him.
Annette,
Oh yes, all these crazy stories of what he did to me only occurred behind closed doors or when no one was watching. That’s when his “mask” slipped and came off. But to the world, he always had his mask on! As charming as could be, he’s so nice! He’s so friendly! Blah, blah,
There were some people who saw thru his mask though and witnessed some of his rages, oh yes, I believe he’s sick and evil to the core, whether he be a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, or whatever, and this is only my diagnosis of him and I’m no doctor, but whichever it is, it’s not normal, he’s not normal. He definitely knew what he was doing, afterwards when I starting finding out stuff about him, come to find out, he did this stuff to the previous one, restraining order and all. It’s like with him, the relationship goes so far and when the woman starts to catch on or starts uncovering his secretive life, and she wants out, he starts his road of vengeance for them.
I remember him telling me about how horrible his ex wife was, that one time he was sleeping and she was suddenly standing over him with a knife to his throat threatening his life. Ohhhh, now how ironic and “coincidental” is this….. I came home from work one day and I see him across the street talking to a neighbor and as I watched for a minute, I could just tell by his mannerisms that he was talking about me, (hard to really explain, but I just had a deep gut feeling he was) so I crept up next to the garage where I could hear them clearly yet they couldn’t see me there. And lo and behold, not only was he talking about me, he was saying the exact same story he told me about his ex, except that it was now ME standing over him with a knife to his throat!! Still makes me sick thinking about that!
I do try as best I can to be careful, I’ve got a lot of friends and coworkers who all have my back and some witnessed first hand his evil antics! Some things I even have proof of, video, and the like.
sashastrong, it’s so amazing that you heard him telling the exact same story about you! I’m sure my ex did that too. I heard so many sob stories over the years, designed to get my sympathy as well as inspire me to be better than they were.
He claimed his second wife “tricked” him, telling him she didn’t want kids when he already had three and was clear to her that he didn’t want more. He said that immediately after he “signed on the dotted line” (one of his favorite phrases), she changed her tune and begged to have a baby. He cried real tears telling me how betrayed and used he felt. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday and how terrible I felt for him.
Let’s see – his first wife was mentally unstable and abandoned her three little kids with him with no notice (she might have left but I’ll bet anything there was a reason for it) and his second wife was a cold fish who never cooked and cut him off sexually as soon as the ring was on her finger. Oh, and both of them also cut their hair short as soon as he signed on the dotted line too. Direct quote: “and no man likes a woman with short hair”.
Ugh.
sashastrong,
You raise excellent dilemmas that I have struggled with. It took a long time for me to get to the level of healing that I am now. I am not great, but I am MUCH recovered.
Here’s what I know about ME:
When I pursue activities that bring me peace and calmness and contentment, the pleasure washes over me like mineral water in a spa bath.
When I tried to get justice, the flustration gave me so much anxiety, my hair fell out, fright/flight response was easily triggered, I made bad mistakes and alienated NORMAL people. Good things were NON existent in my life during this time.
I made my choice. I stopped listening to people tell me I HAD to forgive (might work for others, was NOT good for me). I turned that forgiveness crap over to GOD and I decided ONLY GOD will tell me what to do. I pursue everything good that I can to offset the evil. I am NOT goodytwoshoes, but I spend my time thanking GOD for every blessing, and I notice more and more GOOD things happening to me. I focus my obsession on GOOD things. I now know that these amazing joyful blessings would NEVER have happened to me if I had stayed with him. Being able to LIVE WELL is my reward. (the alternative was my death or prison!)