UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Just wanted to check in with you all..it has been a rough week ..I got the chance to talk to . Donna tonight ..in a phone consultation. I just had to tell her what I have been dealing with. I am glad to hear from her too it is normal I am still in shock. So many lies seem clear now its just unreal.
I don’t wish a discard on my worst enemy. So painful
Tara I’m so glad you invested in Donna. This is great progress for you! You are on Recovery Road. Well done!
Thank you Bally..I still am in a shock stage but its not as terrible as it was. I still have my moments but I keep praying I can just get thru each day at a time
I can’t believe I spent my years with this evil I am mad at myself
Tara, being angry at yourself is a form of blame…billions of people have been conned by psychopaths, including the experts in psychopathy! So no blame or no shame on you or anyone! What you can do is work out your vulnerabilities and recover. I bet you that you are going to turn this whole “encounter” into something great for your future. I’m spreading the word about psychopathy to anyone who wants to listen. I want to give public speaking about it hopefully as a voluntary Love Fraud team member of Donna’s. I would also like to investigate counselling courses to be a therapist for those leaving toxic relationships….a job to do even just one night a week after working hours that I could carry on doing well into old age. Maybe that was what I actually came on earth to do rather than my current profession. I’m just exploring possibilities at the moment….giving it thought. My mission is to stop people being sucked in, conned and hurt by these predators. It starts with us educating the public. So you see blaming yourself or feeling shame won’t serve a purpose for you, it just paralyses you…. but helping others will have enormous benefits to them. And help squash these predators. Think of it as being an army against them. Good versus evil.
You have come so far and I’m so proud of you – when you felt like giving up you kept going. And contacting Donna was amazing – you took action in the right direction.
Right on, Bally!!
Bally
I agree about anger at ourselves is a form of blame. It’s one of those instances that breaks my heart because it’s a CLASSIC manipulation trick by a sociopath… Sociopaths prey on our consciences, they manipulate us to believe we had a choice. Only we didn’t. Because if we had made a different choice, the sociopath had a way to counter that choice as well. It’s why there is NO SOLUTION to logic with a sociopath, the ONLY way out is to get free from them and their crazy making backwards thinking logic.
If Our relationship with a NORMAL person breaks up, then yes, both parties played a part.
But, with a sociopath, who has multiple hidden agendas and convoluted manipulations, we are NOT to blame for ANYTHING for the simple reason that the information we needed in order to make an informed choice was withheld from us.
Let me be real… IF you knew what his TRUE nature and EVIL intent was the day you first saw him, would you still have married him? ANSWER: NO.
The ONLY way you took the next step was because you were manipulated, from the very first moment. These type are PREDATORS EVERY SINGLE moment. That’s why it’s so painful, but it’s also why NOTHING IS OUR FAULT. Even though WE are responsible decent people and WANT to be fair, sociopaths are the ONE complete exception where we are NOT accountable because we NEVER had a choice… no matter how the sociopath makes it appear, there was NO CHOICE. Sociopaths KNOW they played a mindgame, withheld the truth about themselves, because you would not submit if you knew their endgame, would ya?!! Kinda scary when you realize the depth of their manipulations, this is how people end up dead. WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES.
taralav, do you feel more confident, now that you’ve consulted directly with Donna, that your ex is disordered?
I do in a way yes. Not that Kaya and Hanlei.Bally Hoping joyce aint Ser Annette whoever I am forgetting. .they have all told me. ..and I believed them I just thought I’d share my story with Donna..she was great. Its still unreal. She said part.of the shock of it all is because we normal people didn’t know these types of people exist!!
taralav, that is why acceptance is critical to healing – understanding is more difficult (or maybe impossible, ultimately) because we are normal.
I’m glad Donna was able to give you some clarity. Keep riding that wave!
kaya, I agree that people that haven’t experienced this have no clue. Now that I have distanced myself from that last friend who kept picking at my scabs, there is no one in my life who is familiar with what happened. It has been over a week since I have talked to her, and my mind is clearing – I had been crying and pleading before the end of every conversation with her lately and it was reminding me of being with him! My positive outlook had become increasingly negative and defeated. I haven’t cried since I last talked to her, and my thoughts are good again. For me, this has been a very lonely road. I’m ready to be settled and have new, good people come into my life.
HanaleiMoon,
I also lost my best friend (wonder if this happens a lot to us?) because she kept insisting that I look at what I did to cause him to abuse me. I did think as my best friend, she should have taken me at my word. I shouldn’t have to fight to be believed by her. So yes, it’s a very lonely road. I didn’t just get discarded by him, I lost almost everyone. I don’t talk about my life with a sociopath except here on LF.
I don’t want anyone to think that life is over. Far from it. My life is MUCH richer than when I was with my ex. I have moved to a new city and have new people in my life which makes me happy because I thought no one would ever like the real me ever again. And HE can’t taint these friendships. HA!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, like you, I didn’t just get discarded by him, I lost almost everyone too. It was very difficult for me in the beginning, and I tried to cling to some people. As I began to heal, I realized I was better off alone than to have someone who couldn’t get on board with what I needed to be and do.
In the three years I lived in the new town where we bought the house, I made some real friends. When the house sold, I returned to my original area/state for a variety of reasons. The transition hasn’t been easy. This friend was a support when I needed it and she lives in this area so we were able to spend time together, and her comments gradually switched from constructive to negative and downright hurtful. It was really impacting my thoughts and attitude and I knew I needed to take a break for now for my own well being.
I consider that a milestone in my healing, recognizing when I need to set a boundary.
I will be making a decision on where to settle permanently in the next couple of months and know that I will be meeting new people who have no agenda. I’m looking forward to it!
I also turned the forgiveness matter over to God. I also stopped listening to people who keep telling me “I should forgive him”. I also stopped listening to people saying “he is still your sons father “. I stopped listening to people who don’t know how it is to be living a nightmare for 20 plus years. I stopped listening to people telling me “why do you deserve alimony , why can’t you just have a peaceful divorce, why can’t you do it without lawyers?”
I stopped listening because they have no clue. They just don’t know.
Taralev
I wasad also. I was mad at the 20 plus years I “wasted” with him, I was mad at myself, I was mad at the young co worker. It’s the “angry” stage. I was stuck in it for months. And then I realized if I stay mad,he would still have that control over me. Letting go will set you free from this. It’s difficult. Nothing to me made sense. And it will never make any sense why he did this. So I stopped bring mad and bitter. It’s in the past. Just try to focus on the present and not on him. It helped me.
Tara,
Anger is healthy and a normal response to injustice. The Bible says that God feels righteous anger at wrongs and injustices.
Anger is a good motivator to act to change things, in one’s personal life and in the world in general.
Sometimes anger is a substitute for grief; but you have been allowing yourself to grieve naturally.
Consider that your anger can be rightfully directed at your ex spath – he wronged you and it is right to feel angry at him. Anger can motivate yourself to never never let him hurt you or your family again.
Tara,
Kaya has a good point about how staying angry can slow your progress. But I think being stuck in any stage can hold you back. For me, getting angry was the best thing for me. It propelled me into action. I made my husband move out of the house to protect me and my daughter, I initiated a separation agreement, I dove into counseling and began making huge strides in recovery.
Unfortunately, this all occurred before my realization that he has a personality disorder. Because I didn’t understand, I was manipulated and sucked back into the dark world of lies and deceit. I lost may self again and started to beg him to come home. I spent months and months wondering why he was so callous and mean. Why wasn’t I good enough? Blah blah bla.
Then in late December, I found LF. A light bulb went off and I came to see how abused I had been. But by that time, he had really done a number on me and I was suffering with severe PTSD. I seriously thought I was going to die. When he realized how sick I was, he upped his game. He has done everything in his power to push me on over the edge. But finally, Thank GOD, finally I am really angry.
Anger will help me heal at this point. I think it can help you too. How dare they? I don’t care who they are, what they think they deserve, why the big fat babies weren’t happy…..I DONT CARE. They are pitiful sissy men who are not brave or righteous enough to make moral chooses. They are needy leaches who suck the joy out of others. They are demonic forces that seek to destroy the good in the world. They are really just giant penises who exist to be stroked.
Yep. I’m a little angry today. Sorry for the rant. No wait…I’m not sorry. 🙂
Get mad, stay mad for a bit and detach from him emotionally.
Get through this stage of grief. There’s a reason for it.
I wanted to add, Tara, that I think you should be mad at him, Not yourself! You are a normal person. Any resistance you gave him was not nagging or being ugly, it was because he was manipulating you. On some level, your intuition was trying to warn you but he manipulated you into doubting yourself. Be mad at him! Not yourself.
Hoping,
YES! Mad at HIM. The EVIL one.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate. There is power in righteous anger.
This last week, after 16 days of NC, I did something stupid. I decided to sell my car, and the Spath had told me earlier he wanted to buy it if I was ever going to sell it. So, I sent the Spath an email asking him if he still wanted it. About 10 minutes later he sent me a text message which made it sound like he was initiating communication with me. How ridiculous!
The reason why I was selling my car, was it was giving me back problems. I have been out of work all week trying to get better. Anyway, the Spath comes over to my house to bring me dinner, and pretends like nothing changed in the last two weeks of NC. He stopped by that day and following day, but then kept making promises he would stop by and see me (I am immobile), but then never showed up. He also kept inviting me to come over to his hotel room, even though he knows what kind of pain I’m in. He is so self-centered and has a total lack of caring for me. I view the last couple of days that he doesn’t show up when promised as mini discards. I’m mad at myself for even reaching out to him. However, I told him that I would sell that car to him, so I believe I did it to preserve my integrity. However, maybe I just didn’t want to get yelled that if he found out later.
So, now the NC clock starts all over again.
Claim,
You probably learned something that reinforces your decision to stay NC. Did he choose to buy the car or not, or did he change the subject?
Congratulations on getting back on the NC wagon; he can’t yell at you or complain or manipulate you if he doesn’t have access to you. No contact means he does not have access to you.
I hope you get up and about soon, and sell your car for a fair price to someone who chooses to buy it and does so.
Good question about the car, AnnettePK, He did say he wanted it, and we settled on price which was definitely in his favor. However, it’s now been four days, and he hasn’t mentioned the car again. I am going NC and will trade in my car when I find a new one. Hopefully that will be next week.
I got an “opportunity” to learn my lesson again on this one. However, I feel myself getting stronger this time. It was easier for me to stay emotionally detached, so I am not as hurt as I was in the past with his promises to stop by and then not following through. The funny thing is, he isn’t even trying any longer to come up with decent excuses.
Thank you for everyone sharing their stories. They are rich with learning for all of us.
Sorry so long, it’s hard to tell 10 yrs of craziness! Anyways ex continued to harass me, he’d vandalized the sliding glass door (had to be replaced), he’d steal anything he could from me, I’d come home any my patio furniture would be gone, he’d do immature things also, wintertime, I’d shovel snow from driveway, only to come home later and “someone” put it all back in driveway? WTF! Anything left outside would be gone next day. Then he became obsessed with disconnecting my cable wires, do you know how freaking frustrating it was to be out in the dead of winter, dark out, trying to connect wires together, as he’d be driving by? It went from cables, to disconnecting my water at times, I never knew what i was to come home to. Eventually offers came in on home and he’d always find some reason or another to deny them and we’d lose them. He’d stand in my driveway raging at me, saying he was going to destroy me in every way! My realtor was beside herself, she was ready to bail. It was so hard to explain the lunacy that was occurring because no one can understand that someone could be so evil. Mine was a charmer too. I struggled to understand myself how someone could be this way, that’s when I started to research. And I’m not exactly sure which category my ex falls under but whichever it is, he is not normal. It was during this time when I started NC, I stopped flipping out over or going outside to speak with him, that’s when he’d start upping the ante on what he’d do.
sashastrong
I read your post and bammo, you are giving example after example of the mindset of these sickos. At core, they are ADVERSARIAL. It’s like they want to fight EVERYTHING!
It took me a LONG time to get this through my thick skull because I could not conceive that the husband who said he loved me was, in reality, my worst enemy and was, behind my back and then later to my face, was undermining me, playing headtrip games, sabotaging me, setting me up as a kook to observers, and the list of types of assaults was ENDLESS. (opportunistic, he never let a chance to harm me go unfulfilled.)
Me? I was the IDIOT who pursued trying to “understand” and negotiate each of us getting our needs met, finding common ground, seeking how to nurture and care for our marriage. What PHOOEY!
Once I accepted TRUTH: That he was ONLY about “WINNING”, and that anything good that happened to me was perceived by him as a LOSS and therefore must be destroyed so he could “WIN”.
By accepting this TRUTH, I knew I did not have a marriage, NEVER did have a marriage, there was NEVER a hope for a marriage, and it was hopeless from the first moment I saw him… then I knew my only solution was FREEDOM from him.
WHO ever thinks these creatures exist when they are dating? That such evil is disguised in a human being?
I say my ex husband was someone who could fool ALL the people some of the time, and he could fool SOME people ALL of the time.
EVERYTHING my ex did was a variation of being adversarial, “WINNING” was ALL he lived for, even if it was his detriment, he would sabotage himself in order to “WIN”. I believe this is why you read about murder/suicides. These type will even commit suicide if it means they can “WIN” by murdering. (like the ones who murder the children so the spouse has to live with the loss, or like the ones who murder the spouse so the spouse can’t chose who controls their very existence.)
BEWARE! My ex was also the type to up the ante if he didn’t get the reaction he wanted. They will “up the ante” so they “WIN”… all the way to your death. Do NOT underestimate their obsession with “WINNING”.
Protect Protect Protect YOURSELF!
NotWhat,
Yes it does take a long time to understand how our trusted partner who loves us, is really our number one enemy! I still struggle with getting my thick head around it! While I was maintaining and paying on home just waiting for settlement date, and ex was plotting and planning all his antics to try to destroy me, I remember thinking at one point, ” omg, am I just as sicko as he is?” This is when I started researching and reading into the wee hours of the night and just educating myself on these sick individuals and their disorders. I couldn’t walk away from home and hadn’t gotten to point of foreclosure yet so I tried to do the only thing I could and that was to save myself. As I educated myself more and realized this is what these nutcases do, upping the antes of destruction and messing with your mind. So when settlement came, I used up almost all the profit on bills, only dinged my credit a tiny bit, it was at this point when I said omg, am I being just as sicko and evil as him? But I had had enough of his crap, I lived under his control for too long, he knew he had me with that home, and he made it a living hell trying to destroy me financially and then he thinks he’s just going to sit pretty and wait for his handout of profit? Yea, so he was pretty blindsided and of course threatening to sue me for monies, late fees, etc.
Out of frustration, I sometimes struggle with the anger/revenge aspect. I think that after all the abuse he put me through, how is it that life rolls so easy for them? He finds my replacement while still with me, and justs rolls right into another relationship just as easy as changing your underwear. These are times when I wonder how God could make it so easy for them while we struggle? Sometimes I can’t help these thoughts.
Sasha,
What a nightmare. I am sure there are lots more painful details of the 10 years with your ex in addition to what you posted.
I am glad to hear he moved on to a new victim for your sake. He sounds very dangerous and very obsessed with you. Having someone else to distract him, sad as it is for her, is good for you.
Consider always being careful to keep as hidden from your ex as possible, the less he knows about where you are and what you’re doing the better. If you can get far away from where he is, all the better.
SashaStrong
AnnettePK is right. That he found a new target and let you go is actually a good thing.
BE CAREFUL b/c they don’t actually “let go”, even if he’s with her, he’ll circle back around to see if you will take the bait again.
I too have those thoughts of how life is so easy for him and such a struggle for me. I learned to answer my own questions, with TRUTH though, not with envy.
In my opinion, GOD does not make it easy for them. It is Satan who makes it easy for them. Sociopaths choose hedonism rather than connection and love… pleasure but not joy. Orgasm without love, without endearment. (truly… my ex wanted his orgasm, but he did not want to have to touch me or kiss me or put his arms around me. it was such a bother to have to consider me or notice I existed.)
It’s like those people who have no sense of smell? They see food, but their sense won’t let them taste it. There’s no joy for them in a lovely meal. They can pretend to eat, pretend to taste, but it’s easy for them to walk to the next meal because they were unable to savor, to find joy in any meal…
No conscience means sociopaths have nothing to resolve, no angst, no heartbreak, no feelings. Without feelings, of course it’s easy to “move on” because they were never capable of attaching to begin with.
Sometimes circumstances with catch up with sociopaths. I know that my ex greed has gotten him into hot water. But, because he has NO FEELINGS, NO REMORSE, he moved on from that loss as well. Like Bernie Madoff, my husband felt Nothing when he lost MILLIONS.
Thinking of YOU…. your ex didn’t even know the true value of what he had, YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE. He just is incapable of feeling that loss. What a Literal MORON he is! BTW… YOU know HE’s NOT in a relationship, she only THINKS he is.
For myself? The ability to give to others and to feel self respect is an unmeasurable joy. I now have learned to walk away from heartache (I refuse to let anyone take me that low ever again), and to keep my joy. That’s something he will never know, and I think it more valuable than the “WIN” he gets from scamming people.
I spend far more time these days building a life and meeting new friends and arranging my home. I NEVER regret being dumped by him anymore. I recognize it for the gift it turned out to be, because HE would NEVER have allowed me to have all these blessings. He would have sabotaged them, just as he did when we were married.
Bless you. If you don’t feel it now, Blessings are coming!! That I KNOW.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe
It is interesting you mention orgasm without love…it just occurred to me that my ex, when having sex, could not always have an orgasm, where he would not ejaculate, but he would claim he was having a mental orgasm…is this what you’re referring to? I never knew what the hell he meant by that! I figured he meant he was thinking about it but couldn’t actually make it happen. It didn’t happen often but often enough for me to remember it
I’m sorry to be so descriptive.
Psychopaths really can’t smell. My ex P could not smell, and he was aware of it. http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/09/21/psychopathy-linked-to-impaired-sense-of-smell-frontal-lobe/44949.html
Jane,
He may have been using porn or having an affair with someone else, so that he was spent and it was too soon to have another orgasm. Who knows with these spaths?
Hi Sashastrong…
Thanks for the response it so helps to get good advice from others who know exactly what they are saying and nobody looks at us like we should have known better
You know when I look back, god knows why, it used to excite him sexually when i would speak badly about this “wife” he would encourage me to say bad things about her, like, “she can’t take you away from me” or “she’s a sleezebag for what she’s done to us” when he would want sex…i used to tell him he was nuts but he would turn it around and say “if I ever get back with her it’s because you didn’t try hard enough to convince me she wasn’t good”. He also didn’t think it abnormal to want to marry her after knowing her a week…he said time was irrelevant, which leads me to believe he possibly knew her longer than letting on
For him time is irrelevant because it must have been a week after we were corresponding he was telling me “I love you” and finally around a month after of saying nothing back to him he asked me why I never say it to him…I had told him I didn’t think it was normal to speak like that or think like that so quickly and we hadn’t even met in person…ugh gross
When your ex was coming to your place with gloves did you think he was coming to hurt you physically?
Did you ever tell the neighbor that what he said about you standing over him with a knife was not true? They certainly didn’t believe him? Although if they were telling you he was such a sweet man and thought he was fantastic…they probably did believe him..what a f**k!
I wonder if his family knew better than to say something when they found out he was spying…maybe they were used to his ways and know he isn’t normal?? I mean how many other women has he done these horrible things to besides you?
Have you ever confronted him with what your real thoughts about him were?? Like did you ever tell him you thought he was a sociopath?
I wonder how they react when/if we say that to them?
Sasha strong ,
Wow that’s unbelievable what this guy did to you, disconnecting wires, shutting off your water. That’s so evil.
Oh yes, my ex was a charmer also. People in my neighborhood often said “you have such a wonderful, handsome husband, you should be so proud. ” if they only knew him without his mask on.
I also found that he abused his cop status all the time. It worked until I hired a criminal defense/ divorce lawyer. My ex was powerless in court against that lawyer. I honestly enjoyed seeing the ex reduced to a speechless idiot in open court with 50-60 people in there. His “cop status ” did not matter. Of course his law enforcement department backed him 100 percent. How can this highly decorated and recognized law enforcement officer be married to an “insane” woman. That is what he portrayed me as. When my lawyer mentioned his minions, he was shocked. It’s all a facade, a show they put on. But when the show is over they are plain evil.
It’s very sad such people exist. I am very afraid and cautious about meeting someone new. At this time of my life I am content bring single and free. The emotional wounds he left me with are healing and my life is good. I learned that I can be totally happy without a man in my life. Happiness comes from within and the love of my son and pets are more than enough.
Kaya,
Yes it’s so unbelievable! That’s why sometimes I get in this funk of anger because I just feel like shouting from the rooftops so that everyone knows the truth about him! You are dead on about the neighbors, and he’s so charming! For the life of me i couldnt fathom how they get people to literally eat out of the palm of their hand! I swear, I felt like saying, see this spittle of spit on my face, it’s from him spitting in my face what a whore I am, yet he’s the one cheating on me!
I have to say, I’m new to posting but I’ve been reading this blog for awhile now, and I always looked forward to your posts because of your strength, I mean it. You are an inspiration, (as well as the many others here) probably more than you know and I hope that I can get to your level of love, happiness, etc. thank you!
Kaya48
My highly decorated, charming, well respected and glorified by the media policeman spath will scream I’m crazy too but he crossed the line by sexually assaulting two 14 year olds – lets see what happens there!
Sasha strong
Thank you. I am glad I can be an inspiration. You should have seen my posts before I went no contact . I was devastated.
And believe me, it was not easy and it took a lot of strength for me to finally say “enough”. I know lawyers are out for money but I truly believe God put this lawyer in my path to save me from more harm. Originally I was going to retain a different lawyer but she cancelled the appointment. The minute I met the new attorney I knew he was on my side. Not only in court hearings but 24 hrs a day if I needed advice. When I first questioned him if I should really file, he asked me: what are you waiting for , your husband cheated and lied, abondened you and his son, he tried to have you committed to a mental institution , he tried to have you arrested. Give me one reason why you want to stay married to him? I was quite for a while and I could not come up with an answer. Not even “but I still love him”, nothing , and then I signed the petition.
This is the story how I ended the 20 plus years. And I know it was the right decision, the only choice I had.
I hope you will recover as I did. And all this drama made me stronger , more resilient. My new motto is “bring it on”.
Oh, my ex did the same. Sleeping naked, wking around like that , showing his “athletic” body, he worked so hard for. He became obsessed with his body. (I guess to impress the little minion police officers on his shift). He was enjoying when women or even men looked at him at the beach. He felt worshipped. I still remember some of his stupid statement “I could have cheated on you and you would have never known”. Why would a husband and father say something so hurtful to his wife? ” A husband and father is suppose to put his family first , always.
Please stay safe, always know that material things like a house of cars of items can be replaced. Maybe not right away but down the road. I always let go of any attachments I had, like my home, which I had to sell. But like I said there are millions of homes. I only have one life. So material assets are not so important anymore.
kaya48
Such good advice… esp about the home.
Women esp view the home as much more than a house. It’s the nest, the place of nurturing.
My ex knew my attachment to the house we literally built with our own hands, he knew what it represented to me. So he knew to attack it, damage it, taint it.
What he didn’t realize is that as you said, I let go of that attachment because I could replace it with one that was FREE of HIM.
and btw… am growling at the pos… “could have cheated on you?”… the jerk was crowing about what he had done… funny how I want to beat the piss out of other peoples sociopaths yet I have NEVER been a violent person!
I do take MUCH satisfaction that you prevailed against your ex. It’s so rare. I defined my “win” as getting free, so I can rebuild. Each is good, but yours is sweeter…