UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thunderbirds we are go! No more sleeps!
The sky is clear so footy will be on and I’m escaping this crazy relationship as of this arvo.
Thank you to everyone for the support but mostly for the clarity. Your stories have been a daily reminder of what I’m married to so I was less likely to allow my doubts and confusion to talk me into staying – again!
See you all on the flip-side ♥
Ironic,
You are the focus of my prayers today. God’s speed and protection to you and your family.
I AM SO STINKIN PROUD OF YOU!
XXOO
Hanalei
Wow, what crazy lies they tell. And even when they get caught they twist it and make it all about you . Looking back, I have many similar stories. When me ex graduated from the police academy, it was a big event, I found it strange that family members were not invited. He got all dressed up and said he would be late. A week after, cleaning out the car, I found the invitation made out to me to attend his graduation. He hid it in his car for months. I am sure he wanted his minions there to think he was single. I didn’t even bother to confront him, it was so absurd.
Hanalei, isn’t it comforting that we don’t have to believe this stuff anymore ?
Ha, like a toddler whose toy was taken away. That is so true. My ex acted the same. He wanted that big profit on the house. He stopped paying the mortgage so there was not much profit. He did not do anything for the sale of the house. It was ridiculous. But in the end it worked out. My credit was only a little damaged because of the missed mortgage payments. He wanted a foreclosure to ruin my credit but luckily the house was sold.
He acted so immature. He is almost 46 and behaves worse than a high school teenager in love. I laugh about it now how pathetic he is. Who would find a man like this attractive ? I mean he cheated and lied to his family. What a nice foundation to start a new relationship.
ironic,
I pray for your safety.Stay aware,very aware at all times right now.Leave nothing to chance.Take everything you want and need and do not go back for any reason! No contact is the only way! Only contact him through your Attorney. Never be alone with him. Have no trespassing put on him on your new home or property. If he shows up, call immediately. Do not relax on this. He is waiting for one weak moment-Begging to just talk to you. DO NOT FALL for it!!!It is a costly mistake! Everything that you know about how to treat people does not apply to him. We do not think like they do. Be responsive but not reactive.Stay Strong and know that it will get better with time. Keep moving forward:)
Truebeliever
I spent my first night in my new place listening to all the noises lol talk about on guard! I was also cold (its winter here in Oz) I miss my wood heater 🙁
I arranged for one of his colleagues from the dog squad to be at the house when he arrived home to find it have empty and seriously lacking the personality I’d given it. I’d suggested he keep him calm so he doesn’t do anything stupid which would add to the mounting allegations he’s already fighting. I only received 2 calls and sent them both to voice mail. He only left one message which was “that was very sneaky of you, thank you very much” I know that game – I’d usually say something to defend my actions and he’d have to perfect opportunity to rebutt them, twist them with his lies and throw them back in my face. This game would always end with me being either confused about my decision and doubting myself or just plain crazy in my head!
This morning I woke to a text asking if I’d canceled the home insurance snd I just responded “no” questions like these are hard to ignore but I promise I won’t be answering anything else!
Once again, let me say, I am so proud of you. You didn’t let fear cause indecision. You are awesome ironic. I’m praying gods blessing all over you as you begin to live in peace!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Thanks hopingtoheal
I’m out, I’m nearly unpacked and the spath is already in contact with a young woman he had a 7 year affair with.
I’m not responding to his text messages unless they are questions regarding bills he needs to take over, they are all dealt with now. I’ve ignored all phone calls even the one I missed early this morning so I’m determined to go no contact. My only problem now is that the investigators wanted me to continue to monitor his activity on his laptop via my spyware = stalker much! Well nothing like leaving to move onto his list, he’s checked my FB status every hour since I’ve left just waiting for me to change it. This has now put me in a quandary – do I antagonise him or do I just move on and be the person I escaped to be?
Congratulations ironic!!!! Now – move on and be the person you escaped to be. Do NOT antagonize him.
(If it was me, I’d delete my fb profile/page.)
Unless there’s some legal coercion they’re using on you, I would not continue spying on the spath for the cops. You don’t want to think about him!!
They can take it over. Or wait, they can’t without a warrant, right? Why can YOU now continue as you’ve LEFT? I think it’s a very grey area you’re in now. I would get legal counsel and a mental eval that says any further part of his life HURTS YOU. You’ve done your due diligence to limit his harm of you and LEFT. To have to be stalking him is insane.
I only want what is BEST FOR IRONIC, my ozzie friend 🙂
Ironic,
As tempting as it sounds, I wouldn’t antagonize him. It only keeps you and your mind tangled in his web of darkness, and you’d always be thinking about it. It would keep you sucked in. Free your mind and feel the peace.
Ironic,
Congratulations and I am so glad that all has gone ok so far for you.
If he is checking your FB status frequently, consider not making any changes to it, not even to delete your account. If you do that, he will see it as a move, it communicates to him that you have done something and he will know when. It is a connection that is better avoided. Leaving the page abandoned and untouched gives him absolutely nothing new to think about concerning you.
I imagine it is very difficult for you to monitoring his computer use, at a time you need to have no contact for your own recovery. If you think you can do it and keep your sanity and if it will contribute to his prosecution, maybe it will be worth it in the long run if you are up to it. (I would like it if I could catch my ex P and he be exposed for the stuff he does.) You may want to consult an attorney independently about the issue. The rules vary from state to state. Are the investigators working with the DA, Commonwealth’s Attorney or whoever will be prosecuting the case? I would think that they would not ask you to gather information illegally so that it won’t be admissible in court? Maybe you have already looked into these issues.
I perceive you are facing some difficult decisions concerning what you will do or not do concerning your ex. Consider thinking about the long run. If you act in ways that satisfy you now, you may give up long term results.
Take care.
Hanaleimoom, Aintgonnatakeitnomore, Sashastrong AnnettePK and nocontact.
Your feedback has been invaluable! Thank you all so much for all your advice, concerns and support. I have decided to leave my profile as it is and do nothing with it because I have another one that is identical in first appearance so he never could tell I had 2 of them. Tonight I will move my friends over to the other one then change my name and photos – that should eliminate that issue as my friends lists have always only been visible to me… as for the monitoring, I’ve decided to tell the investigators to spy on him themselves as it hurts me to know what he’s doing all the time. It also keeps me in the same energy that I was while with him. I don’t want him to be my story anymore! I don’t want to know who he’s grooming so I’m not tempted to warn them nor do I want to spend the next year worrying for them. I also know enough! I know about the porn, chat rooms and tranny/cross dressing and that he secretly scours YouTube regarding sex changes. I’ve purchased a whole draw full of new underwear he’s never worn or worse?… my new story starts today ★ much appreciation xxx
Ironic,
Thanks for sharing your wise choices. You are doing good things for yourself. Resisting the temptation to mess with his head a little will accelerate your recovery. You are an inspiration.
If he gets prosecuted and convicted of anything, that will help warn his future targets.
I wish I had put some spyware on my ex P’s computer, and found out more of what he was into. I think a little more knowledge would have helped me in some ways and gotten me out sooner and helped me with closure. My ex P was a cross dresser, too. Sexual perversions seem to be common along with the lying and exploiting behaviors in spaths. They keep them secret because they know most women would not choose to date and marry someone doing these things. Many seem to be into child porn, too.
YAY, glad to hear you moving on in your post 🙂
Ironic! Just saw your post, well done!!
Don’t need your wood heater (I miss mine too, sigh) just take your shoes off and dance around in your socks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA51wyl-9IE&feature=kp
I struggle with the same thoughts occasionally. How easy it is for them just to have a new relationship without any worries about what they left behind. For me, it is still very difficult to believe that he continues to hurt his only child. He stopped paying his college tuition and basically said “you are 18, you are on your own. If you don’t like it join the army “. That part I will never understand. How he can go on cruises with the mistress, not one worry what his son eats or where he lives. My son lives with me and attends a university here. (Only 3 miles Way). We managed and took out loans and financial aid. I do not want the evil ex’s action affect my sons educational future. I know the ex wanted to destroy me , but why his child?
Talking to my pastor I don’t think God makes it easy for them. I honestly think that satan makes them function and unless they repent they are operating for the devil.
Yes,kaya48. That is how I have come to conclude this is a battle between us and Satan. They are adversarial, they are fighting to dominate and control their target, who is a person with a conscience.
Those with a conscience versus those without a conscience.
I was merely late in understanding that I was in a battle and not a marriage… duh on me.
I agree Kaya and Not. It’s a spiritual battle between good and evil. Unfortunately, we though it was an earthly marriage. Wow, it puts a whole new perspective on spiritual warfare. I think that’s why most people don’t get it. They’ve never been in the middle of such an intense battle, or at least they didn’t recognize what it was.
Hey, knowledge is power. And the real battle has already been won.
How correctly stated: it was not a marriage it was a battle. So true, almost from day one it was a struggle. There was no empathy, love or compassion. It was clearly a battle. And when the battle becomes too intense for them, then the discard comes in. And then the battle continues in divorced proceedings, distribution of assets and child custody. Nothing goes smoothly. There is always adversity and blaming.
My ex’s lawyer claimed that he did not have sexual relations with the coworker until the day I filed for divorce. Was that suppose to be a joke ? Unbelievable. Since I live in a no fault state it did not make much of a difference but the court looks at this in determining equal distribution and spousal support.
In Gods eyes he was still a married man even after I filed for divorce. I am so glad I am not a part of this dark, perverted world if his anymore.
Sasha,
Did he do anything when he came to the empty house and put gloves on his hands?
No, he couldn’t. I did have people watching for me, especially the last couple of weeks, because he did DAILY drive-bys, looking in window, etc. Anytime he saw a different vehicle at my house, he was relentless, up and down street driving, parked at end of street, it got to the point that I had “code parking spots” for anyone that came to my home. But anyways, as he was walking up to home, mind you i am inside watching him and I swear my heart was ready to pound outside of my chest!! As he’s putting gloves on, a neighbor was walking by with his dog, and thankfully that stopped him. Also, the week before when he broke in, he removed my deadbolts and put his own in. Well naturally I had to replace immediately since he now had keys! For whatever reason, he didnt think that I’d replace the deadbolt after that. So when neighbor left he tried again and realized his key didnt work! He couldn’t get in. Just makes me wonder why he wanted in? Day before settlement, house is completely empty, and he needs to put gloves on?
Thank you Annette…
I had words figured out as to what I could describe him as but I would have to try to convince myself that he was each of these things
I would tell myself yeh okay be be lied and cheated but I still thinks he loved me…he really pulled the wool over my eyes..he had me
So trained that I’ve always been wrong or imagined everything that I believed him!
Even today if he contacts me he would probably have a reason as to why it’s been over two weeks he hasn’t written and he would think be can make me believe it. I told him once before you can
Lie all you want but you will never know if I really believe you or not.. When I said those things he immediately would tell me he had an upset stomach and had to go to bed…pretending I was upsetting him lolol
Thanks for the support Annette
This is so true. It is satan who is guiding them. My ex is and always was an atheist. NOT, you are so correct in your comment.
I would like to add that they do live in the flesh and not in the spirit.
I too take it as a gift that he discarded me. I think it is a blessing that he abondened us.
And now since I ignore him since 381 days, he went away. Don’t give the devil the time of the day and he will flee.
Thanks for all your great advice here.
Annette
Anything is possible with them…
There were a number Of things I attributed it to…his age 60, he had a lot of issues growing up pertaining to sex, sometimes when we would speak on Skype I would see a roll of toilet paper on his desk next to the computer…stupid idiot thought I couldn’t put two and two together,
Things come back to me now as people
Bring up things
I do know he said he had a hard time
Of hearing from one ear..but he could have been lying about that so he cld say he didn’t hear what I was saying
But I didn’t know they had no sense of smell..??