UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Annette I can tell from you postings you are a very intelligent woman. It helps me….how we all have fallen victims….me to psychopaths in the past and currently a gay narcissist for the last 21.5 years. No sex and I’ve only just realised the last few weeks…..
It’s all relative, there are those with a lot more IQ points than I and those with somewhat less. I’ve been blessed to have a fairly good education. I was blessed with access to resources through the internet and books, and the time to spend learning about psychopathology. It was my ticket out.
Social IQ and emotional IQ are relevant, too. Consider spaths who have the ability to problem solve and maybe test ok on an IQ test, yet are morally and emotionally idiots. And they are geniuses at figuring out the victim’s weaknesses and how to harm others. It seems almost supernatural. On the other hand, doing right and having good character render a person intelligent regardless of IQ.
As far as victimization by a spath, so much depends on the information we had about them and the resources available to us from the circumstances of our life.
I am so sorry that you ended up victimized by a gay narc.I understand a little since among his disorders, my ex P is not heterosexual either. I am aware that many many professional and well educated women, women who have high positions of authority and responsibility in their careers, are blindsided by the spath. We just don’t see it coming. You probably didn’t have the information you needed to know what the gay narc was about. The emotional trauma handicaps us to make changes in our situations.
I observe that in this time in history there are a lot of factors, both physical and social/psychological, that bring out psychopathy, so there are probably more of them around than in the past. Also, it is not in vogue these days to be judgmental; we are taught to be open minded to everything and to see the good in everyone, there really is no right or wrong – its all relative, etc. All of this blinds us to spaths and their behavior and contributes to us looking to ourselves for the source of and solution to problems that are out of our control. I have mentioned here before the value of some old fashioned wisdom women are just not widely taught anymore. If a guy is getting the milk for free he isn’t going to buy the cow. Not politically correct, but a lost principle to refrain from giving a man the gift of intimacy until real put your money where your mouth is type of commitment. (Doesn’t work so well to avoid the gay P’s because they masquerade as great guys who are willing to wait..) Also, the rule of threes: one lie (or rude comment, or cancelled date, or whatever) could be a mistake, the second could be a misunderstanding, but the third is a pattern of behavior, and the remedy is to cut him loose, stop seeing him. A man who makes a woman feel bad once is a bad man, get rid of him.
People have been taught to develop their personalities, but not their character for the past 1-2 generations. We are taught to look for qualities of personality in others but not really character.
Women are not taught to be discerning nor to expect men to be providers and protectors. The gifts we have to offer are not valued by us, and we don’t have high standards and expectations of those we interact with, especially those we date.
People don’t always date or get to know one another in that way. There is way more hooking up, hanging out, being together, without the structure that facilitates getting to know someone in a variety of situations before giving them the gift of emotional and physical intimacy. Essentially a guy can get all the benefits of marriage from a woman without fulfilling the responsibilities. A man is bound to be happier and more satisfied with himself and his life if he can be proud of himself in using his strength in the service of others, in keeping his commitments, in being a provider and protector of those he loves.
There is much more emphasis on vague romantic concepts (romance is great, it’s a lot of fun, and it’s important), but not enough emphasis on the practical foundation of commitment.
Of course these are all generalities and don’t apply to everyone and every situation. My ex P masqueraded as a heterosexual man committed to Christian ethics and to being a provider and protector. He is the devil in disguise.
Annette thanks for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
Also the thought and time that went into your reply. I’m keeping it to keep reading it.
Friends, I’m really scared and I need advice…I know so many of you have been dealing with your spaths for years…me only a year. He’s getting worse. I went to a boy “friends” party last night. I went out on the front porch to hang out with my friend and my spath wrote me emails:
“Full of shit”, “Having fun on you fake trip” “Liar, fake liar.” He wrote these at the time I was with my friend on the porch (I told him I wanted to date but wasn’t seeing anyone). He was there….there’s no way he wasn’t. It was at the exact time I was outside!! I asked my friend to look at my car with me just in case he had done something. While we were at my car his best friend wrote: “The date is set. Happy Happy Happy.” I find this so threatening….what does that mean??? What date???? This is also a man who called me a week ago to question me about why I thought my ex was cheating….After I checked my car he wrote, “Unfortunately I love you, let’s work this out, I f**king love you, we are meant to be. I can’t live without you.”
My boy “friend” has since come over to my house with me. I haven’t slept. We were sitting outside at 5:40 in the morning and my ex wrote 2 emails to me (whir we were sitting outside): “Sick to my stomach”…blah blah blah….”quite attacking me secretly” and a message titled “Evil” that talks about how he hopes I’m happy and goes into what an evil person I am “you’re and evil person and I’m in love with you” it goes on and on….he’s either really f-in psychic or he’s been watching my every move!
I don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense. I haven’t slept. I feel crazy. I’m terrified. I can’t stop crying. This is really happening! It’s 6:30am my time. He’s following me. There’s no way he’s not. It’s all too much of a coincidence, I need to go to the police, but I’m afraid they won’t believe me. How do I approach this? Do any of you have experience on how to approach this (the police) in a productive way? I’m really f***ing freaked out. I need help. This is getting worse. I don’t know what to do…………..
ok, if you are freaked out, if you are afraid, there is a good chance you are in danger. Most of the time your intuition is accurate about things like this. He could just be messing with your mind to make you afraid and not have any intention to physically harm you, but you probably should not take any chances.
Only you know the situation and the best thing to do. I think if it were happening to me, I would first get safe so I could know I’m secure and have some time to think. Is there anyway you could pack a few things and go somewhere else either out of town or in town, that he doesn’t know you would be there. Can you get somewhere safe without him following you. Women’s shelters often have good security and secret locations, and resources on how to help in a situation like this. They can help you report the threats to the police. If your town doesn’t have a Women’s Shelter, can you go to the nearest one?
You can call 911 and explain the problem anytime. You can call a Women’s Shelter and ask for help.
What do you know about this guy’s history?
Prayers for your safety and peace of mind.
TD-
You can be tracked through your phone. The tracking mechanisms can be disabled. I’m not technically savvy enough to tell you how to do so, but your service provider can.
You might want to block the emails of everyone who is sending you offensive data or anything you find “scary.” and you should report that your ex is virtually stalking you to the police.
Joyce
You can also get a prepaid phone, tell them you’re not registering it when they try and get you to when you’re activating it on the phone.
Then you’re untraceable as long as it’s never in the spath’s possession or potentially could be anyway.
Net10 is a good one for this. I have a Verizon. Straight Talk does it too. But Net10 used to give you a phone when you bought the minutes. They have unlimited talk, txt and pxt for $50. Probably still give the (el cheapo) phone free.
Good when you do think it’s hacked. Just toss it. You’re just out the balance of the 30 days of time. Well worth it for your peace and safety.
TD I haven’t followed any posts you may have made so best the other ladies advise. What I will say is make sure you have company at all times. Don’t be alone. Make sure friends and family know where you are at all times.
Get the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker and read immediately. I read it years ago though recall he said that restraining orders can make abusive men worse…..think OJ Simpson and Nicole.
The other ladies will be better positioned to advise….personally I would strongly advise you to book a consultation appointment on the phone with Donna Anderson as soon as you possibly can. Contact her now by email to get it set up.
Sorry I cannot help more.
Gift of Fear is an excellent book. You can also get some information from an internet search. There is some sound information out there on physical dangers from abusive relationships, stalkers, etc.
Also this risk assessment questionnaire is worth working through.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Consider getting yourself somewhere safe where he can’t find you. Is there anyway he is using your cell phone to locate you? Be sure the location stuff is turned off. He could be tracking you that way.
I saw your post where you said you did the Mosaic assessment and it indicated escalation. You are right to be concerned.
Keep us posted when you can.
Sashastrong….
Do not stop posting your stories you are not ranting..they are informative and will always be of help to everyone here…I know I have come here I find support and read what every woman on here is dealing with…and you know what? It’s only since I found this forum a week ago that I have been convinced mine is a sociopath..I never knew what the hell I was dealing with…I was sad and depressed and sick to stomach and only now I wake to the anxiousness to read what is written here and how many different kinds of f***ing weirdos are out there and mine is included. Don’t worry as time goes on I will have hundreds of stories that will come to mind and ask advice about…
So thank you sashastrong!
I wonder though how a sociopath reacts when you actually call them on it..do they get quiet, violent, aggressive, defensive?? I’m debating doing that but it would be an email cause he’s so far away at the moment but that would also mean my NC would come to an end…
I’m laughing about your mail lady an how he would hang around the mailbox…oh god don’t they see what they are doing!!! If I saw any man
More than once appear to always conveniently “be there” whether mail box, coffee shop or anywhere….that’s pretty much a good
Sign of a certified weirdo!!! That poor woman!
How old did you say he was? And shame
On him setting his example to a minor…that child has learned how to mistreat women/people already. Just hope someone has guided him away from that path
Those gloves certainly sound as though something was up…would he go as far to break in and hurt you physically? Maybe the reason for the gloves?
I hope his next move isn’t to slash your car tires!?
Janedoe
I’m with you there, I never knew what i was dealing with either! I’d heard of the disorders, but I didn’t know the difference between narc, socio, etc. I’m still not even certain which one mine is. Yeah, I guess if they have no conscience, then no shame so they must think that they can just make moves on anyone? It’s like, buddy, your not 25 anymore! Your over 50, aaaannnddd Ya look it too! Lol.
Not sure about calling them out? I’ve read that some fear you now, fear that you’ll expose them further, but some may not even care.
I’m rather curious about are they all so vindictive? I read how they all do their devalue/discard, liars, cheaters, and they’re the ones that are busted having an affair and we weren’t the ones running around, yet mine suddenly took a turn down vengeance road with me? It seems like some just leave for another woman, but some become vindictive hard-core. I was just curious why? Or the differences?
SashaStrong to janedoe:
It is difficult to grasp the motivations of a sociopath. My sociopath ex main motivating drive is to WIN, he is adversarial, even when the other person doesn’t know he’s adversarial. My ex kept his game plan secret, he had multiple hidden agendas, or methods that HE defined as a WIN, a definition that ONLY He created. His WINS were not logical, they were specific to whatever he desire he had. There were times when my ex lost THOUSANDS of dollars in order to WIN being vindictive and punishing an offender who didn’t even know my ex was offended. My ex was VERY vindictive and carried grudges for decades, but he seems to always “get one over on his target victim” in the end.
My ex is predictable in that I know the new kid on the block will end up harmed in ways they didn’t know possible. But HOW my ex will do it is a game he keeps in his head. Who needs Game of Thrones. My ex plays a Game of Domes.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe
Did your ex have different personalities with whoever he dealt with…like a different game plan for each person all at the same time?
How can he keep
All his motives straight if he had that much revenge to carry out?
yes JaneDoe
Not necessarily different personalities, but the con, the scam was dependent on the targets personality. My ex could be the good ol boy or the lawyer type.
My ex did not necessarily say lies, what he did was imply a lot, and let others fill it in. If he did lie and get caught, he just blamed me that he was married to a crazy woman and was going in circles because I was so difficult to please. Please are very happy to excuse and help a man who says he’s married to a B*.
Janedoe
Mine did! I remember the shock I was in when I discovered he was sent home from a work commitment the second day for drunk and inappropriate behavior with a colleague. I thought WTF he’s never been drunk or acted that way in front of me or my friends in all the 14 years I was with him, but one story became dozens. I had to realise that all these accusations against him had to have an element of truth – no one has this much leveled at them as a set up each and every time! Spath much!
Your right, it can be very difficult to know their motivations. Mine was evil, vindictive but also compulsive liar, I swear I’d never seen anyone lie to my face so much in my life. He’s also the user, manipulator, blame me, he’d play the woe is me card, cheater, etc, etc, he was all of them. He also knew exactly how far to push the law. He was the deviant sneaky type, everything secretive. He kept a safe in his vehicle for God’s sake. He could never be alone, went from woman to woman, had to have next one lined up and in place already. That alone shows what an insecure loser he is. Did same pattern of things to his women (I find out after) but same restraining orders, suspending emails, cheat, spy, etc. But yet he could charm anyone, was a talker, had people eating out of his hand. My opinion for myself is that I got the brunt of his vindictiveness because I wanted out and every antic he did to try to get rises out of me, failed. He hated that I’m the breadwinner and got to live in home until sold. He started losing control when he couldn’t push my buttons anymore. And kinda funny, but some of his vindictive antics ended up backfiring on him, he’d lose out worse than I, and that surely ticked him off.
Sasha
Mine too was the deviant sneaky quiet type and it pissed me off. He would say he was going to the store and call when back and it would be six hours later and I would call him. “I just got home” he would say…yeh sure at 12:00 midnite you just got your stuff at the store? Things like that made him sneaky…I was always one step ahead of him. Maybe I questioned him
Too much but because I had those strange gut feelings from the beginning or caught a few of his conversations on different social sites, I was always leery of him…always…as a person I ever was so questionable or suspicious of anyone in my life!
And yes of course when we are stronger than someone who is to be in control of everything, it knocks them
Right off their high f***ing horse it practically makes them crazy..in every sense of the word and we are to blame for that because they know we are on to them
And smarter than them!
Sasha
I too still have no clue which he is. A few people on here have said he is def a sociopath…would i have categorized him as that before last week? No..I would have just said he was a liar and cheat and sneaky /sly as hell. He had maybe half or a cpl
More on the list describing sociopathic behavior. He’s a quieter person which makes me think of a sneak. I’m not saying it only now because I’m upset, I’ve always found be was quiet when speaking to strangers, mumbled when he spoke almost like didn’t want to be noticed..
I think if I approached him on this he may turn the whole thing around and somehow make it look like I’m in the wrong…because he was manipulative that way.
In your case, he sounds very physical where mine wasn’t but I didn’t live with him or wasn’t engaged to him although within a week of meeting him I was supposedly his “wife” as he called me…yuccckkk
You had a much better sense of him because be was in your space. I only saw what I saw on occasion but he vibes were so so strong in his messages, emails and social networks..that’s where I came across
Most of his vindictive ways.
Maybe they become vindictive because they are guilty? It’s their way of defending themselves??
Mine left for another woman without any physical harshness just he sneakiness as I described. He wouldn’t get violent or mean he would lie and cheat behind my back and that was his way of being vindictive.
I recall one time he was to visit it was the night before arriving here and we were on computer speaking and suddenly I receive an email from him but the message was to another woman and he sent it by mistake. He was saying to this woman to do some sexual things (and it showed they’d been corresponding a long time) and finally at the end he said “remember Tahiti is right around the corner” “you are my Barbie doll” “I love you head to foot and foot to head”
What???!!!! I called him on it so fast and within minutes he responded and turned it around say “you spoiled my surprise for you. That message is to you. I wanted you to do all the things I mentioned in the message and I was going to surprise you when i got there tmw and mention going on vacation to Tahiti!”
Omg he kept saying I ruined it and now he didn’t feel like getting on the plane to visit and how could I do such a thing?
The idiot thinks I believed him? He did come the following day but he would not admit that email was to another person…and during his visit i brought it up a few times and each time he would say I’m not making him feel well and he had an upset stomach and needed to go to bed.
So all of my manipulation was this way instead of you being face to face. I guess it depends on each sociopath and where and how they can do their harm?
The spath I was with was like this alot. He’s a very violent person but he tries to use sneakiness instead. Liar to the hilt. At least with me, he tried manipulation. But then again he tried threats and crap and i was like—serious? rofl Dont try and scare me. I’d die b4 i’d be scared of you. Maybe someday i will too. But i’ll die NOT AFRAID.
Im not saying anyone should choose this. But I will never be afraid of a bully.
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
You said yours was violent as well as sneaky and lied?
How would he do his things to you?
Janedoe,
Omg! Do you know if he ever went to Tahiti? It just burns me when they think they can twist it around and place blame on us! Just once I wish they’d get a taste of their own medicine!
Sasha
Lol I can say no I don’t think he went to Tahiti but because he’s a sociopath do I really know???
What an idiot that he really thinks I believed him with that turnaround story!
Sashastrong
I believe that a sociopath will only attract a sociopath to have a one night stand with but would never attempt a long term relationship with one. Players don’t marry players etc…I was the front for a whole other life!
Janedoe
My spath was the same. He took every piece of evidence I had and somehow twisted it back onto me, causing untold confusion and doubt – glad I’m out now!
Ironic
Honestly do they believe in their little pea brains we are stupid? I can not get over how they underestimate out intelligence especially when they know we are right?? That’s when I think the vindictiveness and revenge comes out…because we have cornered them and we do not believe their bs..even a child wouldn’t believe half of what they say
You’d think they would know better since its not the first time they’ve been cornered by woman in different relationships
But I’m trying so hard to practice what I preach…sometimes I believe my words when j write it down here and sometimes I just want to cry cause it seems surreal!
janedoe, I have asked my ex outright: Do you think I’m retarded?!
I was a white-collar worker when we married, and out-earned my blue-collar ex x3. My old boss warned me that the ex would grow to resent and hate me (did not think he had anything “on the ball”). Did I (a) listen? or (b) stick around 30 years for the discard?
Did I eventually receive verbal assaults so severe that I still (will always) recall them? Oh yeah. Like many spaths, that blue-collar ex of mine was a genius: why work if you can bully your wife into working instead?
Hmmm…forget what I said before. I AM retarded. 🙂 or was, anyway.
Janedoe
I actually think they choose intelligent people thinking that if they can con us then they can con anyone. I also think they up the level of intelligence with each new relationship as they try to learn what worked and didn’t work – they think they’re superior and clever enough to keep fooling people and that’s why I stopped telling him what I’d found out and how I found out about it so I’m not educating him to become more sneaky – I stopped revealing years ago for that reason.
Nocontact
You cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh but I can relate on occasion. I also thought I must be sociopathic at different stages so who’s the retard?
Sashastrong
It would take my spath weeks before he did the parade thing too. He’d be so hostile towards me like he was trying to punish me for things that I’d pick up as contradictory or worse, those rumors I’d hear about his other life. I’d never have enough evidence to know without question or he’d deny it so well that I’d believe him. After years of thg behavior I had no other choice but to believe the rumors because he really didn’t want sex with me anyway. It was like an obligation to him, sex was mechanical with no intimacy and all about him. I truly believed that I was ugly and undesirable. He spent more time making himself look good in one day than I did in a year! I know the excess weight I’d packed on around my midsection will drop off now that I’m out and working towards my new life because I’ve spent the last couple of years running on adrenalin with an overdose of stress hormones. I have to keep reminding myself that as a size 10 (Australian sizes) and no wrinkles for a 50 year old that I’m not doing so bad, especially since I’m a smoker – haha like I would have given that up during my relationship with him!
Ironic,
I’ve been thinking about you! Were you able to leave? And are you ok?
Sashastrong
Yes! 2 trucks, 2 utes and 5 cars filled to overflowing all in 5 hours. We even managed to vacuum mop and clean everything I left for him all to avoid antagonising hi too much.
I’ve spent the past 24hours unpacking and sorting so I’m exhausted. My spath rewarded me by doing tranny porn 3 times since I left and contacting the young girl he had an affair with for 7 years – guess I made the right decision! He explained to her that I had issues….my body isn’t even cold lol – I have spyware on his computer that the investigators want me to monitor regarding the sexual assult allegations so I looked through the reports tonight.
Thanks for thinking of me but looks like he’s keen to move on which is heavenly to me.
Wow! Good for you! You go girl!
Now I don’t know everyone’s story but are you married? Tranny porn? And young girls? Had you just discovered affair? I’m so sorry, but it looks like you have a great hold on your situation and are really happy! That’s the way to go how you did it. Again, good for you, what an inspiration!
Ain’t
Can you clarify please. Is it wrong I God’s eyes to divorce an adulterous husband who abondened his family ? I always believe that god hates divorces with the exception of adultery ? Thank you.
Kaya,
I know you’re not asking me, but this is my understanding. I posted it as a reply above, but this is getting to be a loooong thread..
1 Cor 7:15 says that the abandoned spouse is unbound from the marriage. This means that the abandoned spouse is free from the obligations of marriage, free to be single, free to remarry. There really can’t be a marriage with only one spouse, whether the other spouse leaves or dies, or goes on to remarry someone else.
Matt 19:9 uses the Greek work ’pornea’ which refers to all sexual sin including adultery, fornication, pornography and same sex activity (it’s still cheating if it’s same sex activity). The Greek word is used in various passages in the NT and is translated into different English words depending on the context. Therefore sexual sin is a valid reason for divorce. Sexual sin is such a serious sin against the marriage that it is not always possible to repair the damage enough to continue.
The marriage promise is made to God, not to the other spouse. Therefore spouses can’t agree to divorce and render the marriage void. Only God can do that. He gives us the circumstances in these 2 passages where a spouse is unbound and freed from the obligations of the marriage.
It is worth remembering that a wronged spouse can choose to forgive the cheating spouse if he chooses to stop committing sexual sin and the abandoning spouse if he returns to the marriage. The marriage can be reaffirmed, and if there was one mistake it is likely that it would be wise to do so. But God does not require it.
The abandoning spouse may remarry or continue cheating on the marriage regularly. God allows the wronged spouse freedom from the marriage bonds in these situations.
Noteworthy that the Bible does not allow divorce from an abusive spouse. Separation is allowed, but the spouses must remain single or reunite according to 1 Cor 7:10-11. That is a tough one for me to understand, but what I take from it is that sexual sin is the most destructive form of abuse. As a practical matter, if a spouse is being abusive, he is probably cheating or doing porn too.
An insight to the word ’bound’ where it is explained that unbound means free to remarry is found in 1 Cor 7:39. A spouse is bound to the marriage until death of the spouse, and then becomes unbound. It is clearly stated here that unbound means “free to remarry whom she wishes, only in the Lord,” which means one must marry a Christian.
Underlying all this is the general Biblical prohibition against any sexual activity outside of marriage (Exodus 20, 1 Cor 6:18-20, Hebrews 13:4, Gal 5:19-21”) That concept is more basic and broader and applies to everyone all the time, married or single.
That is a very common belief. No, I do not adhere to the desertion or adultery exceptions.
This is something you have to study yourself.
I just gave some basic answers. As I said there’s whole books on this. Marriage is serious business.
I think spaths are subhuman myself. Maybe that is why I have no trouble moving on from the spath and having bfs. Maybe I’m just pacifying and appeasing my spirit though too…
and angering God…
Day 1 new beginnings
I cried this morning, wasn’t expecting that after yesterday’s frenzied excitement?…
I allowed was myself to feel sorry for the spath – what is that crap? I miss my house, I miss my wood heater and I miss my beautiful garden to look at while drinking my morning coffee but I don’t have time for the wallowing. My plants are sitting out the front in full sun which they can’t tolerate for too long, I have absolutely no idea where my invoice book is for work tomorrow (hope that didn’t go to storage – geezers!) I can’t find my kettle for coffee and my cat is still hiding under the tv unit but I can’t find the food to coax him out! Another big day ahead!
But I’m truly grateful that I can come back to LF in my moments of weakness and find the clarity, determination and strength to push through – keep your stories coming girls/boys as they give me a constant reminder of why I left ♥
It’s a loss to be grieved. And even good life changes are stressful and require adjustment. This is a big change for you. I think it’s natural that it will be a roller coaster of emotions for awhile.
So true, it’s like we have to grieve longer or twice. We grieve the person we thought they were who loved us, and then we grieve the real person they are, the sociopath who used us and never loved us. I’m on that roller coaster of emotions.
Yes sashastrong and ironic…..
It’s important that you know this prolonged grieving, back and forth, is NORMAL. It’s part of the process. It comes in waves sometimes, like when you discover betrayal after betrayal, and when the numbness wears off a bit, you start realizing how big the scam was, that he involved others to scam, and that others have jumped on HIS bandwagon to abuse you for essentially, being the victim (which they define as “being difficult, being dramatic, being unstable, etc.”
not saying the above describes you, but if it does, take heart and know it’s because YOU have a heart! And MOST of all… cut yourself LOTS of slack. Because during the healing process, what ever you go through is NORMAL, and you Will GO THROUGH it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you cant’ imagine it now.
NotWhat,
Thank you, it’s a great reminder and reinforcement for me to hear how all these emotions I’m going thru are normal. They sure do come in waves don’t they. I get mad at myself, because I’ll be doing so well, feeling good, feeling positive, then I’ll be at the store or somewhere and I’m bursting into tears. And I find myself in a funk, or I have feelings of anger and revenge suddenly! Then I start to worry because I think, oh no, am I becoming like him? I try so hard but sometimes they are like tidal waves of emotions! Lol.
AnnettePK
I’m listening to all the advice on here and reading every post as a reminder. He’s already sent an email to a young woman he’d had a 7 year affair with. After I found out (and she discovered he was married) they ended it so we could give the marriage the chance…he continued to stalk her fb profile the entire time so she was a mini discard. She is also studying forensic psychology so I’m hoping, for her sake, that she is more aware than her text book training…. I wasn’t even gone 24hours before he was grooming the next! My head says thank god he’s moving on but my heart says…***t! Why do I have to walk away from my house when he was the one that destroyed everything? This to shall pass…
Ironic,
Yes I had to walk away and lose my dream home also. Very frustrating! But like a friend reminded me….. Yes, it was my dream home, but think if we stayed in it, it was filled with bad times and bad memories. If I was able to keep home and not him, still wouldn’t matter because he would just keep stalking around the home and whatever else. Whether the place your in now is just a stepping stone or your new home, it will be filled with peace, love, and happy, good memories! He will be no part of it!
Sashastrong
I agree! I had to let go of it to leave and now can only see myself in it long enough to sell it and move on and that will only happen if he goes to jail – it is a little liberating 😉
~~HUGSSSSS~~
keep on keepin on, at this point
breathing will come in a few weeks wen u are settled 🙂
Thanks Aintgonnatakeitnomore
I’m doing well with the NC rule but he’s already pushing buttons I’m fighting to maintain control of…
Aggh – coffee number 2!
Ironic
I understand your thinking. It’s what we wanted from them and they made us believe we were getting that life from them that makes us “mourn” for something that should have been and we thought it was. It is very sad and i too have as many sad moments as angry moments…one side of us says to let it go and one side is fighting to believe it wasn’t so bad…an internal battle
I too am relying on these posts for strength when there are times I think like you are 🙂
Janedoe
Exactly that! I remember the day I realised my entire marriage was a lie. What I thought was going to be the perfect union was all an illusion – I remember being numb for weeks but it was the beginning of the end. Thanks for reminding me of that one! Just that memory alone stregthens my desire to keep my mouth shut! Nothing I say or nothing I know is going to be heard = we aren’t on the same page! X
What a rough weekend I don’t know when it will ever start to feel better. I have been reading on stockholm syndrome a bit and wonder if I have symptoms of that. Its like I know what a terrible person he is yet I still want to see him for answers I will never get.
don’t they have to realize they are not normal? They know they are liars ..I just think its awful you can’t make them understand the lies they tell.
he told me this weekend in email that ” its morally wrong to cheat but not illegal” and he took years of me putting him down. I didn’t put him down. I took lie after lie after lie…and yes I called him a loser and deadbeat after I had enough but he is acting as a abused man. Its so frustrating!!
oh Taralav, dear
He says what he knows will wound you. Because YES, he knows he’s not normal. Maddenly though, sociopaths think that makes them superior. Guess they have to think that, there is no alternative. It’s not like they can go out and get a conscience. They are damaged goods. AND YES, he knows he’s a liar. He admitted his deceit when he noted “its morally wrong to cheat… but not illegal. (same applies to lying!?!!) So when he’s being a S*t and saying those wounding things, just take it as PROOF of the kind of pondscum he is. Because sociopaths NEVER take responsibility, they project it onto the innocent and vulnerable. Just like your jerk did to you.
Remember REAL men don’t do what he has done.
ps My ex also played the moral card on me, I remember when he put me down for wanting pre-marital sex. When we were dating, he scored points with me for implying that marriage and sex were sacred. AFTER we married, I found out about his gay sex, all those women, prostitutes, and I now have 2 non curable STD’s so I am ruined and will never have intimacy with anyone ever again.
Not,
You are
N.O.T.
ruined.
No way. Don’t accept it. Rebuke that.
It’s a LIE.
You can find a loving NORMAL man who accepts the risk of your STDs. It’s very possible. It’s very probable.
You ruined?
UH UH
U are glorious and wonderful!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I am sorry about the STD’s…I got one from my ex also that I will have forever. We are not ruined by this. At first I was devastated, but at this point it’s a minimal blip that rarely crosses my mind.
More people than we realize have STD’s and are in stable, loving, NORMAL relationships. It is a part of life today. I have a friend who married for the first time in his late 40’s. He had an STD (had it since his 20’s) and stressed about telling his girlfriend in the beginning only to find that she had the same STD! They have been married now almost 10 years and are going strong. He told me it was a non-issue and they had a good laugh over it.
I wish like HELL I hadn’t gotten it, but it is what it is. It could have been much worse. I hope we will both meet someone wonderful who will take it in stride because we have so much to offer. I can’t imagine it will be a fun conversation, but as we get older, most of us have a variety of irksome health issues that have to be lived with and real people accept that as a part of life.
Taralev
I just read what stockholm syndrome was and it sounds as though you’re describing me as well…I know what he did was wrong but I still want to hear from him and get answers…do I want to move on without him or do I want to hear what he has to say?
Why do I look for messages from him only to tell me lies? This is like accepting to be abused…
janedoe, you will never get answers. If you do stick around to hear what he has to say, you can bet your life that there will be no clarity, understanding, or insight coming. It will all be lies, and even the lies have no rhyme or reason. They will be whatever pops into his head to serve him at any given moment, only to be instantly forgotten by him, while you try to evaluate and understand what he said. It is crazy making and will keep you spinning, distracting you from what should be your priority – moving on.
Accept that you will never get answers, because he is disordered and there are no answers. I spent months wanting/needing answers for what he did and it kept me in a dark place that was impossible to heal from. Once I accepted that it happened and there was no reason/explanation/answer for it, I started to heal.
HanaleiMoon, Good Reply to JaneDoe!
We want answers because life with the disordered is…. crazy! But,I found that writing down “what IS” gave me a sense of reality.
The weird thing is, when EVERYTHING is a lie, it makes sense that we are confused, and it’s ALL crazy making because the fact is, we’re Not living in reality! More crazy making lies does not straighten anything out!
My healing really began when I got away, that’s when I Stopped living in Unreality, my mind was free to find order and predictability again.
They do keep us in a dark place with their Unreality. I called it the Abyss. And yes, the answer is… there is NO answer. There’s only accepting that it was disorder of their making, and getting free of them to find a REAL life again, a life of purpose and joy and possibilities of happy things – NONE of which was gonna happen while living with a disordered personality.
A weird phenomenon is that I almost forget how it felt to live a normal life…I was so used to the craziness, the chaos, and the constant dealing with his bs, that when it was gone, the emptiness was overwhelming. I had no idea that he took up so much time, space and energy in my mind and life…dealing with him was a full time job for me, and I never even lived with him! I wonder if that is one of the reasons we find it so hard to let go.
I’ve said before, my therapist told me that she felt I was saved from totally going over the edge because I usually had three days a week where I was at work and then my own home in the evening and it gave me a toehold in a (semi) normal life. Even then, it seemed like he was omnipresent.
I can remember a time of intense struggle when he turned up the heat on cutting me off from the things I loved: my pets, my home, my garden, and I felt like I was going insane trying to explain a simple concept to him – I love these things and need them in my life. I KNEW a normal person wouldn’t cut me off from things I loved, and that what he was doing was insane, yet, I was trying to both please him and secretly keep these things in my life.
I really do believe that had we lived together, I would never have gotten out.
Yes HanaheiMoon
When I lived with my ex, I had taken to hiding things that comforted me, music cd’s, scented lotion/bath scents, candles. Yet in my fog, I didn’t put it together that I had to HIDE the comforts that lowered my stress. In all the drama and anxiety, we do become SO numb. Thank GOD I got my good sense back, but that ONLY happened after going NC!
Lesson Learned!
Taralav
It hurts when you realise nothing you say is worth the response you’ll get, it feels abnormal yet we know, intellectually that we can’t believe anything that comes out of their mouths so why bother. I write it all in my diary (I think my diary feels my pain) I get all the words I want to say to him on those pages and that helps until he ***ks up again and the pain starts all over again…. blessings my sweet x
My ex’s vindictive actions backfired on him also. He claimed I wAs mentally ill. My lawyer countered “well then she needs more alimony to support herself”. Quickly it all changed. All of a sudden I was a healthy person who was able to earn money. It was all backfiring on him. His only son had to testify in court against him when he claimed “he was afraid of me”. By trying to put an injunction against me my son decided he did not want a anything to do with him anymore. All of his evil action came back to him in a worse way he ever imagined. He threatens to get me fired at my job , he threatened to make me homeless and so on.
That’s why I enjoy the no contact. If is a way for me to be in control , 100 percent and he probably hates it not being able to get a reaction out of me or his son. 382 days and counting.
I will celebrate my final divorce judgement this coming week.
I LOVE IT
well then she needs more alimony!
oh good lord, I wish I could have been in that courtroom
roflol
~wiping tears of laughter away~
some days there IS some good come out of the whole hell we went thru.
it make me mirthful 🙂
I like it! I Love it! I want some more of it! teehee! I can hardly wait for sharing a happy dance with kaya48!!
AnnettePK, jm_short, aintgonnatakeitnomore, Bally — Thank you for your comments earlier. Things have not improved. My experience with authorities today was not totally unexpected (not sure what I expected?). Your suggestions are helpful. I’m going to be MIA for a while but will be following this blog…I’m going somewhere safe. My heart goes out to you all. Best.
Sorry that you didn’t get any real help from the police. Prayers for your permanent safety and for your recovery and for solving the problems your ex is causing you.
TDS79, please know that I will be thinking of you with all my heart! how sorry I am that you did not receive the help you’re entitled to!! and how much I pray for your continuing safety and health.
It is worth A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G to escape this experience. Run and keep running, never look back! Remember that you are running for many beside, behind and ahead of you, and take this from me wherever you go: [______]. May it be whatever you need most at the time.