UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
It’s bad enough that they have been lying, cheating, using, and manipulating, among whatever else but then they have to throw it in and be so vindictive! I just can’t grasp that and wrap my head around it.
Kaya, I just can’t imagine putting your own child through that either? It’s like bad enough the heart break of them cheating, losing your home for some, but again, why the need to take the evil turn of trying to put you in a mental institution? And make his only child see and go through it?
Like my ex, disconnecting cables, turning off water, vandalizing…. Seriously? what does that serve? I know they’re disordered, and they don’t think like normal people, but its still so hard for me to process all the vindictive parts? Guess this is all still so new to me, just unacceptable!
Yes,I don’t understand what it serves them. I feel really bad my child has to witness this. And then being told by the ex ” she will be gone for awhile,its better, behause she is mentally ill”. Luckily everyone saw his evilness. My doctor said “of course she is emotional ,she just caught you cheating”.
My response to the ex’s lies and accusations where divorce papers. The fact that he had my only child go through this helped me making this decision.
I cannot tolerate this behavior. And it would show my son that it’s ok to treat a woman like thAt. I had to put an end to it.
Him trying to send me to a mental institution and putting an injunction against me, that both was the end for me. The “tip of the iceberg “. I was done. Completely done with him.
HanaleiMoon
You’ve described how I feel. The emptiness is there so much now because most of my day was spent corresponding with him. I now realize how much of the day he was present. I was always waiting for a lie from him. I’d awake in the morning and if no message I would think subconsciously he was up to something…and he usually was.
His attention towards me declined so much in the past year but I spent my time mourning it and waiting to hear from him that it occupied so
Much of my brain space. I lost so much weight from the stress with him over three years but in the end i still believed he really did love me.
These past cpl wks with NC have been difficult and I keep writing an email without sending it. Sometimes I am so convinced he’s poison and then there are still times I cry because i just want to hear from him and tell him what he has done and what an awful person he is. By the end of the day I’m so mentally exhausted, that email I constructed through the day never gets sent. Then I go through the process again the next day.
I rely on these posts to convince me I’m doing the right thing by NC they have helped immensely.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe
With time I will get to where you are…the place of reality and will look back at this as a wasteful experience. It’s so difficult at times yet so rewarding when I see I have kept away from him like I’m doing and that’s when I feel I’m
On the road to recovery…thanks 🙂
Janedoe and HanaleiMoon,
That is so true! The ex and their chaos did take up so much of our day and thoughts, and you hit the nail on the head about feeling that overwhelming emptiness when they’re gone. You really don’t realize how it consumed us morning, noon, and night. Even though he wasn’t living in home the last 7 months(until it sold) he was still always around, driving by, peering in, disconnecting cables, etc. and can I tell you, with my head hung in shame mind you as I say this, that even though I knew how disturbing this behavior was, I have to say there was also a part of me that almost was happy about it in some way? Not sure if happy is the right choice of wording here, but to me, it meant that he cared about me because he kept coming around? I’m embarrassed to say that! Gosh, how pathetic.
Sign me up for it too. I have often thought how much worse it would be if he was just gone, while at the same time complaining that he won’t just go away. It’s OK to admit it: they drive their partners crazy.
Think of it as a dance: they move left so we move right, and if we have a disordered partner we are soon dancing like little whirling dervishes.
I appreciate your candor and will also miss my ex once he is really gone. But will I miss him as much as I would hate him after the (inevitable) next discard? Absolutely not. I figure it’s easier to get over missing him than go through that again, in fact I think a double amputation probably would be.
sashastrong, I know exactly what you’re saying. Maybe not happy exactly but comforting? I’d say that’s what it was for me. My personal pathetic thing was that during all this horror he caused, guess who I wished I had to go to tell about what was happening to me and get comfort from…yep, him. Ooooh, sick.
But to us, we were in a real relationship and we had real feelings. I think these feelings are/were evidence that we’re NORMAL.
HanaleiMoon and others who wonder about Stockholm syndrome.
You describe the dynamic that happened with my ex.
He was the source of my misery and I turned to him to make me feel better. BAM. That’s Stockholm syndrome in one sentence. That was why I missed him. Because when I felt my worst heartache, HE was the one who comforted me. How sick was that?
Let’s name it for what it is: psychological manipulation, controlling mentally abusing.
When your abuser is the one who comforts you, you are caught in TERRIBLE Stockholm Syndrome.
You don’t miss the abuse, you miss being comforted. To get free, you MUST seek a different way to find relief and comfort.
(you, not in any specific person, but I use “You” as third person nonspecific, referring to any/all of us)
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, you’ve summed it up brilliantly in a nutshell. I’ve never really thought of it like that and you are 100% correct.
Notwahathesaidofme
I think I have Stockholm Syndrome!
I get up, make coffee and read the posts and comments on LF because they make me feel better. Sometimes I look at it several times a day. I’m also checking tge reports from my spaths computer so double the dose! Nothing else is getting done and none of my other emails are being looked at. I haven’t enjoyed reading a book in weeks because I know that by going onto LF I can keep reminding myself of why I left and that makes me feel better and stronger.
I’m just toying with this… I’m thinking that all this interaction with LF and reading reports is just keeping me from moving on? Believe me when I say I couldn’t have done it without everyone’s compassion and kindness nor without the knowledge and advice, but my mind is always in this space with no room to bring in new experiences. What do you think?
Ironic,
Whatever we call it, surviving a spath damages our mind and heart, similar to surviving any trauma but in this case it isn’t understood and accepted. When my normal husband passed away unexpectedly, everyone understood and expected my grief. I got incredible support from everyone in my world. The trauma of the spath leaves me struggling with a lot less broad based support and understanding.
I am sure you are suffering with some form of PTSD. How could you not be given what you’ve been through and what you’re going through.
In my experience recovery takes time and is very gradual. I notice how much better I’m doing when I look back over 6 months or a year, not so much days or weeks.
Any kind of change takes time to adjust to, without even considering the trauma.
Is it correct that you’re not monitoring your ex’s activity for the investigation? Are you monitoring it now for indication he may try to harm you? That is bound to take a lot of emotional energy. When I just hear something about my ex P, it sets me back for most of a week; it somehow reactivates the trauma. Memories of my first (normal) husband might bring tears, but they warm me and comfort me; they are good memories.
I’ve been blessed to have the circumstances where I could take things slowly, take a lot of time off work, and focus on changing one thing at a time.
Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott recommends balancing recovery and grief work with doing other things, especially fun and pleasant diversions.
AnnettePK
Yes the investigators want me to continue to monitor him and stay alert to anything that might help us convict him.
I don’t know whether it’s more painful to see what he’s really been doing or not knowing what he’s up to? I’ll keep you posted 🙂
Ironic, I don’t see how it would be possible for you to move on while having to monitor him. If you recognize the psychological hardship this is, you can balance it as best you can with doing things to take care of yourself, to rest, meditate, watch something funny or interesting on TV, spend time with normal people in some capacity. Knowing it will end is bound to be helpful. You may not realize the strain until it’s over and you are free of it.
For me, not knowing what my ex was up to bothered me when it potentially affected my life. When it does not any longer, I don’t care. My first choice is for him to drop off the face of the earth, to just disappear.
Because my ex is so rigid and unimaginative in what he does and why he does it, with the passage of time I can pretty much predict what he is doing; I just don’t know whom he is doing it with/to/about. I was only ever surprised at his choices when I expected him to change, to grow spiritually, to learn from his mistakes, to have his conscience awaken, to act out of compassion and a commitment to honesty. Even though I am not surprised at whatever he’s doing now, it still sets me back to hear about it or to be reminded of him in some way.
Sashastrong
It’s like we are a glutton for punishment..at least for me anyway.
I know the mental anguish it’s caused but there is a big part of me that just wants to hear from him after the past cpl weeks, telling me he misses me and loves me, like he was just doing to me. I still can’t get myself to understand his ways and i still hope I’m wrong about him, at times
At this point it’s like my brain is looking for something to fill in all that empty space
I, like you, found what we had, although it was lies, still find myself extremely sad thinking of him or waiting to hear from him, when I didn’t know it was lies and I was enjoying being with him..does that even make sense??
I felt somehow today I would hear from him after a two week break and was really upset most of the day because I hadn’t!
Of course it makes sense, he molded himself into being perfect for you.
Yes he did NoContact. And in the end even though he claimed how much he love me, he told me he couldn’t be what I wanted him to be
Yeh sure, he could transform into anything any woman wants him to be as long as it works to his advantage! And when he gets caught he takes off..arghhh
janedoe, I think of it as fishing and suspect he does too. No license. Just hook, bait and sinker!
Janedoe,
I know, I was the same way. I wanted him to miss me so bad, I wanted to hear something from him, anything at all. But you know what? The few times that I would hear from him, I ended up feeling worse than before! I didn’t feel missed or loved like I wanted to or hoped to hear, I just felt another stab to my heart, and here I would go on that roller coaster of emotions again. Denial, oh maybe it’s me, what more can I do, and on and on. Each time I find myself thinking of him and being sad or missing, I force myself out of it by thinking of the worst thing he did to me. For me, it was when he tried to put me in jail for over a week! This smug scumbag was so confident that he would be able to do that to me, that when he filled out a restraining order against me, on the form where he had to write my address, this low-life piece of sh@t puts the JAIL address down and in parentheses he puts *former address* and put our home address. WTF!!!! OMG, I swear I still see red and I think flames still come out of my nostrils at this! My friends joke now and bought me a frame to frame it! But, guess what, it works for me and it wipes out those sad thoughts. Or take a notepad, one page put all the positives, the good stuff. Next page, all the bad. Here is where we have to be completely honest and open, me denial. I bet that “bad” page will be five times longer than the good, and keep looking at it to remind yourself.
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but for me, I don’t even know what it’s like to feel love anymore (from a partner) or to feel trust without the suspiciousness, and the true feelings of a normal relationship where there’s equal partnership. And we deserve to have and feel this. When I do feel the weight of sadness rearing its head, I try to keep telling myself, don’t look back Sasha, your not going that. So Jane, girl don’t look back cuz your not goin’ that way either! 😉
Sasha! You’re making me laugh…thanks for your words. See it’s when I speak to people who convince me ..”don’t do it” that’s when I come back to reality
I know it’s all new for me bein just a little over two weeks so hopefully with time it will heal all wounds. I see it with all the people on this forum. I say things on here that I can never admit to anyone..friends, family etc.
your situation seems like it would be easy to hate him, ESPECIALLY been in jail like that..!!! Was that your last encounter with him or was did you go back?
I did during three years feel loved, but once he got on the plane and never turned back I knew that love was not real, I was used for his convenience and now I see all that he didn’t give me emotionally..so I have to agree with you about not feeling anything without being suspicious
Thanks so much for listening
Janedoe
God I hope I’m not thinking about him in 2 weeks!
Ironic
I hope you aren’t either…it is such a waste of a day and time…I only realize this half of my day tho as the other half I spend in disbelief..like a robot who’s brain is programmed…I hope for you in two weeks you can laugh at it all 🙂
Janedoe
I appreciate all these posts and everyone’s concerns for each other but if I’m still whinging about this marriage on here in 4 years then please shoot me!
It would be normal if you are. It usually takes time to grieve, to recover, and to rebuild. There is a certain amount of processing of memories that happens.
It’s good that you’re not the kind of person who can jut forget your experience and move on in an instant.
JaneDoe
I just wrote a post about this very thing. You are describing classic Stockholm Syndrome, where your abuser is the one who comforts you. It’s a psychological trap!
It’s 3am and I tossed and turned for hours before getting up and making a coffee. The spath moved on before the bed was cold. He private messaged his ex minion before 24hours was up and I can’t believe I’m upset about it.
His PM doesn’t say anything about you. However, it does define him pretty well. I’m so sorry. 🙁
Next time you are up at 3, it’s best to just get up and take a bath, or go into the livingroom to read Moby Dick. You can fall asleep shortly after the “Call me Ishmael” part since some of the descriptive paragraphs are unending, or rewrite the heart of Ahab’s story: “Curse thee, thy damned spath! From the depths of hell I stab at thee!” 🙂
Nocontact
Now that all sounds good but I’d rather get on LF and act like I’ve got truettes syndrome (if that’s how you spell it….lol) 😉
It’s ok ironic, it just proves you’re normal. He, on the other hand, can’t stand to be on his own for 20 minutes.
Don’t forget, I was the one who wished I could run to my ex for comfort when he was the one who had skinned me alive.
Yikes!
Hanalei, you weren’t running alone, I was right there beside ya. Many is the time I’ve wanted to reach out to him for comfort, only to realize he’s the reason I’m in such pain.
Recently our 25yo daughter was diagnosed with MS, naturally I so wanted to talk to her father, a real father! but when I called for reassurance, he told me she will die. Really he did. (why am I saying that last part? of course you believe me.)
My sister has made me feel much worse at times, she does NOT believe me, and having to defend myself to her has just about sent me over the edge, ha. It’s wonderful to know I don’t have to defend myself on these pages, thank you for believing me.
NoContact, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter.
Of course I believe you! Not surprised at all. Jerk.
It IS wonderful to be able to share freely here and find support, common experiences and even a little humor.
Hanaleimoom
Yikes alright! We are only human x
Consider not fighting how you feel. It is normal to feel that way. We are programmed to bond and we do bond. We are programmed to relate to a husband. It’s not something you can turn off and not care about when the ‘husband’ fails to fulfill his role and betrays. It is a loss of expectations and it is a loss of hope. You are a positive person who has positive and hopeful expectations. It’s how you’re made. The grieving of the loss cannot be skipped just because the ex is an exploiting abusive pathological liar who betrayed you.
I struggled with this, and a wise lady at church said to me, “You loved who he said he was,” and it helped me to allow myself to grieve my loss.
Ironic
Good for you. Hanalei is right, I would delete all social websites, at least for a few months or longer. I deleted everything I when I went no contact. I used to check out him and his minions and stopped all that. He is none of my concern anymore.
You will soon find out his freeing it is to escape this darkness with them.
I always had faith instead of fear. It worked on my favor. Good luck and stay safe.
Kaya48
I will and I am. He is sending text messages every couple of hours requesting I return some of the items I took. I’ve kept silent even though I’ve screamed in my head “it was my money that purchased those luxuries and if you spent more time allocating funds to make life more functional and less money on your appearance and toys then you’d have what I have = a home dipshit!” End rant….lol
Absolute silence is the most powerful tool. He has nothing to go on to mess with you, and he will get ‘bored’ quicker. So much better than screaming the obvious to him rather than just thinking it. He can (and will, when he learns that NOTHING will hook you into interacting with him again) communicate through his and your attorney.
The less he knows about you the safer you are.
AnnettePK
Thanks honey ♥ I’m loving the advice I get on LF. It stops me reacting emotionally and gets me thinking straight again x
Oh, hon block him and don’t answer any number you don’t have in ur contacts nor look at any txt/SMS from someone not in ur contacts — or better yet, change your number ASAP. I know letting everyone know your new number is a gigantic pain in the butt. But ASAP just do it.
You don’t need to know what he’s thinking. At all. Right?
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
Right! ♥
I would be very careful with the spyware. I know that it is only legal on your home computer with your IP address. I caught my husband cheating with spyware but he was using the home computer.
After he left, he saved every text message and every email from me, he recorded every conversation. He was trying to use it against me later on in divorce proceedings. It did not work but please take my word and be very cautious. They are evil and whatever they do has some kind of plan behind it. I could have not done it without my lawyer. The lawyers first advice was”cut off all communication with the husband, all”.
I too lost my dream home. But it is ok. You are right the house was full of bad memories and pain. Eventually I will gety “dream home ” again and this time it will be real and not an illusion because he won’t be an occupant of the next house. Until then I am ok renting a smaller home. It’s peaceful and happy instead of drama and crazy making.
I don’t know anything about spyware, but I will say this: assume that anything you do, say, or write will potentially be used against you, and out of context. Act accordingly.
I responded to his initial emails after the discard as if I was talking to him. One of the things I responded to was his statement that I had mislead him into buying the house with me by “hiding” my personality disorder and that I needed intense counseling before he would consider getting back with me. Even though I knew there was NOTHING wrong with me, I told him I would enter therapy so that he could see I was serious. I had no intention of actually doing it, but someone reading that email out of context would see it as an admission of fault, or even abuse on my part (which he also hinted at).
I had already stopped all contact when I retained my attorney whose first words were – no more communication with him, period.
Kaya, you are an inspiration to me on your great attitude about losing your dream home and your current situation. While I know it was in my best interest to be rid of my home and it’s memories, I can’t seem to adjust to being in a rental house and am desperate to be settled and put down roots. One day at a time I guess.
Kaya, you’re an inspiration to me too, on your maintaining such a great relationship with your son. It’s been an extra element, a really huge one, to deal with my two grown daughters’ feelings and specifically their loyalty and devotion to their father. How can I fault them for this? didn’t I teach them myself? the pain is endless… so I’ve really taken (well, copied) a few pages from your book just fyi. 🙂
HanaleiMoon,
Word for word, that’s how I feel too about the home. I had it built also and picked out every tile, color, floor, etc. It’s what we dreamed of and worked damn hard for practically our whole life. I too am in a small rental and am desperate as well to put down roots. I so feel like I’m going backwards. But it really is only a stepping stone for now. But you know what, it’s filled with peace and not paranoia. The way I try to look at it is, this is my time to just BREATH and feel peace. Just breath for awhile before I start running around thinking i have to get another home, have to replace it, have to hurry and settle? No, I don’t, I need to learn to just heal and mend first. We will put our roots down, and we will have another home, ours alone, and it may not be as big as the first one but it will be a million times better as it will be filled with truth and all good memories.
sashastrong, my therapist suggested that I think of the rental as a “launching pad”. It doesn’t always work for me, but it does sometimes.
I know, “stepping stone” doesn’t always work for me either, but what I do know and what does work for me is that I did it once, I can do it AGAIN!
Kaya48
The spyware was originally purchased when my son was blamed for looking at porn. As a parental control software, it is quite legal. The use of it now is illegal but the investigators were told that and that no information I provide from it can be used in court….shaking head…do I have to be all the experts in this case? Grr…if I was a policeman, forensic psychologist, detective or lawyer I just might have missed the fact that he’s a sociopath! Wish they knew their jobs properly….btw he will never know about that program 😉
Ironic, I need your help please…I’m in despair. I live in the same country as you, I had thought of getting spyware to see if my partner has been looking at gay porn. Because he denies being gay and my support network told me to get that software. Firstly is it illegal for me to use here? Secondly does it only look at the future or all the past stuff too? I need to know and this is torturing me.
Bally
Sorry for the delay but I was moving and I’m only getting through the 50+ emails from LF now because I’m wide awake in the middle of the night.
I have the eBlaster program on my husband’s computer. It is illegal, debatably as businesses can use it to monitor their employees and I as a mum can legally monitor my children’s computer use… so Google eBlaster and purchase from them. You’ll need several hours if your computer is old because your virus software will have to run a scan after the download so you can authorize its existence on the computer so it doesn’t show up again in a scan.
It will not read back. It sends you a report to a nominated email address so open a new one before you do – no one can know! It’s so worth knowing what goes on in their world but you will never be able to say how you got your information! I stress this point!!! If you can’t keep that secret then you can be sued for breach of privacy or for stalking.
If you want to go back in history then get an expert to retrieve the history and give him a list of key words to find and depending on the age of the computer this could take anything up to 5 hours to retrieve.
I think just start with the eBlaster program and don’t forget to leave the house so they have a chance to look at stuff lol – good luck 🙂
Ironic, I too am up during the night with a troubled head (I’m at other side of country to you). Thanks so much for the info. I’m not computer literate I just know who to use a computer when already set up! So I will have to install his in his PC when he is out…I have my own PC. I hope they give easy instructions!
I hope you are ok, I understand it must hurt he is prowling already, that is the narcissism in them….you have to know when you are gone they act like you never existed or were part of their life. They are on to find their next source of supply.
You are a terrific woman and so smart. You did so well engineering it all in secret. Wish you lived close by I could do with a friend like you.
OK here’s my great new idea:
We’ll each contact our spaths and say we’re sorry, actually they CAN have another woman in their lives while continuing to abuse us, it’s OK. Just one catch, we get to choose the other woman — secretly, she’s one of us, NOT in love with the ex and ON to him instead.
Add a pair of scissors and you’re getting my bright new idea! 🙂 Voila! Problem solved.
Bally
We can be friends on here and privately via email if you’d like?
See if you can organise a friend that’s a little geeky or techie. Nothing is ever easy when you’re looking over your shoulder and expecting to be busted because they might just come home early that day… it is easy for me but every time I did it, I was pumped up on adrenaline with nervousness and that’s when things go wrong.
Nocontact
Again with the laughs 🙂 ★★★★★
To All, it’s my purpose in life to bring the comedy (the ex thinks it’s his to bring the tragedy and he is way good at it).
But it’s clear from these responses that MY ex does not captivate YOU, and I’m getting pretty avid to slake my thirst on your own rotten apples, lol. We really should just trade, so let’s be totally honest about this: would they even really notice, or be disconcerted if they did? Mine called me a dumb cow, on which I told him to milk someone else, he’d harvested me already.
For what it’s worth, I have not failed to land a few verbal punches, it’s just that they seem to just bounce off. Sort of like arguing with the ceiling fan.
I ran across this interesting video, thought would share it with you:
http://teamfamilyonline.com/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/
No Contact,
Re: great new idea
SIGN ME UP!
One condition tho, my spath gets the scissors first! 😉
OK Ain’t — but since you sound like an expert on these issues, you are gonna get my ex!
Good news: you will have a few good times.
Bad news: then you will wish you were dead. :-0
No Contact,
Me an expert…rofl
I’m an expert only in being a fool. Letting myself be addicted to nutcases. Loving demons in human forms.
Hanalei
You are so right. Everything can be used against us. When he tried to tell me “I am mentally ill” I almost agreed to see a psychatrist, to make him come home. How silly is that. But later on hetook that email out of proportion and claimed “see, she is admitting to a mental illness.” I am not sure how he planned on using it against me because there are people who “really are mentally ill” and still don’t deserve to be lied and cheated on and then thrown away. Instead the husband should be supportive, loving, caring and compassionate.
Thanks that I can be an inspiration for you about losing your home. The day of the closing was sad but for 3 or 4 months prior I mentally “detached ” myself from the house. I looked at it as a house and not a home. Like a material item. Slowly I moved most of everything into my rental home , sold most of what was left. It was also very healing for my son to move into a new place as the marital “house” had very bad memories for him. It’s where the ex took naked pictures of himself , it’s where he was as evil as he could be. The new house might not be my “home” , it’s temporary , but this place is “smiling ” at me. It makes me feel proud of what I accomplished. Sometging I thought I was never capable of doing on my own. And my son and I pulled it off. Moving everything on our own. I hope with time you will feel detachment from your dream house. There will be one for both of us one day. Like you said, one day at a time. :).
kaya, my home was on the market for almost a year so I did a good job of detaching, I think my main problem is the temporary nature of being in a rental and not feeling like I can settle in, or make it my own.
Three weeks ago I flew back and spent the weekend with friends and saw the house for the first time since I drove away and was surprised to find I felt nothing. It seemed kind of like a dream. I took that as a sign that I am moving forward.
kaya48
I appreciate learning how you detached from your home. I think it’s very valuable advice to know because we NORMAL people have feelings of attachment, not just to people and animals but also to the things that we poured our souls into in order to create our nest.
I built my home with my own hands, no contractors (except for rough plumbing and rough electricity). My ex used my home as a stick to beat me with. I had to look at my creation as an object of abuse so that I came to view it as a bad thing, and then I was able to let it go. I know it’s an object but it was MY creation, the planning, I did the design with a CAD program, I dug the footings and nailed up the foundation boards, poured concrete, etc etc, all of it.
I am not writing in every message but I am thinking this EVERY TIME: Thank GOD for you all. You could and have written MY story. My heart breaks for you all but I am so glad you are here, for my selfish reason, because I don’t feel so alone anymore.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, my profession is in the building/construction field and the fact that you designed and built your home and were forced to leave it rips my heart out. I can’t even imagine.
They know exactly what to do to cause the maximum pain and damage and they hope that we will never be repaired. I now know my ex “lovingly helped” me get everything I had told him I dreamed of solely for the purpose of taking it all away from me and then some.
He underestimated my strength, resilience and resourcefulness. I’ll grant him, he did a great job of pulling the rug out from under my entire life and I’m not whole yet, but I will be.
Ain’t and Kaya-
We don’t “let” ourselves become addicted.
The addiction of romantic love is what happens when love forms. For the bulk of society who have the good fortune of not falling in love with someone with a character disorder, Mother Nature’s devices that cleave us to our lover do not become a problematic burden.
When the person is sociopathic, (in it’s many forms,) we then have to cope with undoing the addiction we find ourselves in. Part of the reason that we believe their lies and give them 2nd, 3rd and infinite chances is that we have a strong code of loyalty and equally binding brain chemistry.
We wouldn’t be kicking ourselves in the head and speaking I’ll of the power of romantic love if the person had been a moral, caring human being. Once we find out that they’re not, we have to fight our own brain power to set ourselves free. It’s not what Mother Nature intended, and she fights back.
The bewilderment, the confusion, the backsliding, the believing, the despair, are all part of the struggle we go through to reconcile what we realistically know and how Mother Nature makes us feel.
Escaping a toxic relationship requires uncommon and unnatural strength. So don’t be so hard on yourselves. Romantic love to a sociopath happened to you because of their deceit. You did not set out to deceive yourself, but denial became a part of your behavior once you knew you were betrayed. It is an adaptive behavior pattern that resulted from dealing with predator.
Let’s keep the lines between cause and effect un-blurred!
Joyce
Joyce, thank you for pointing out this important concept, because it’s essential to grasp in order to not blame ourselves.
I’ve often mentioned what a lonely road this is because people who have not experienced this just can’t understand. They have no concept, no frame of reference, and so their input and feedback often makes us feel worse.
I went through a short phase where I feared for everyone in relationships (watching couples moving to other countries on House Hunters International was very uncomfortable for me, since I just KNEW one of them was going to be abandoned shortly after moving) and then I realized that I had never experienced this in a relationship before, and that most people won’t either.
It’s not us – it’s THEM.
Dear Everyone, throughout this discourse I’ve been battling a stubborn yeast infection following a bunch of antibiotics for dental work, ugh! and would like to offer this metaphor relative to that experience:
It’s not just “killing off” the bad buggies, it’s “out-numbering” them with good buggies. Otherwise, they tend to come back again and stick around.
If we cram good experiences into our lives to compete with the poisonous ones we’ve had with our spaths, those toxic experiences will be pushed into the corner where they belong, instead of overtaking us. Building good experiences is way easier than spending the energies to kill off the toxic ones, and more effective too. It’s unlikely any of us will ever completely eliminate the disease of what happened, but we can make it less of a percentage of our lives.
Do we refuse to take a Proactive pill that’s good for us? If so, that is the disease called Co-dependence and it has nothing to do with the current or most recent spath. Rather, that disease predates others too: it finds a spath to give it nourishment so it can feel disregarded and unhappy, that is its own subconscious toxic agenda.
As you can tell, I have been trying hard to cure my own bad buggies and detox, after literally decades of poisonous energies being directed at me! Four years after separation and a year following divorce, I am often still emotionally stuck in the goo and have only now begun to block him from calling my phone. Those of you who’ve commented that you’d sooner die than be where you are four years from now, please note: time flies and you will be, if you don’t take the pro-active pill of DECIDING to be someplace else.
While I am the first to leave the birthday party, I am the last to leave a romance! much less a family. My friends have traditionally had to point out to me that “I’m sorry but your relationship is so done you could put a fork in it” since I tend to hang on and on.
I was married way longer than most but don’t think that is related to how long the damage lasts — since one of my closest friends is still caught in the goo after a fairly brief marriage. Those of us who have children with our spaths can never really be free of them, that is an ongoing torment that we can better deal with by adding the Probiotics of healthy relationships and time spent with people who tell the truth, honor their commitments, pay their bills, and all that other practical soul-nourishing stuff. By pushing them away AND refilling the space with competing good people and experiences that crowd out the toxic ones, we can win this terrible war or at least go down in honor.
Nocontact
Hear hear! Now I’m getting off LF to start finding some excitement and new beginnings! Maybe… maybe after 5 more emails so I don’t have so many to get through later…lol
Sashastrong
I love your words. Yes, the house might not be as big and fancy as the first one , but it will be a million times better. Because it will be filled with the truth and good memories. So true.
I worked all my adult life for this “dream house” that just got deleted in one night when I was discarded. I too, picked out tile, lights , and so on. It had a beautiful water view. It was like a dream. But in reality it was a real bad dream , a nightmare. And in the divorce the ex would not be satisfied until this house was sold. Because he knew how much I loved it. After much back and forth, my lawyer and I sat down and decided that other things were worth fighting for. Not the house, in the long run it would have connected me to the ex in some way. I don’t regret this decision. Ironically a married man purchased the home for his mistress. So the drama will probably continue in that house.
The first night I slept on my new rental home was the first day of peaceful nights. No more nightmares, no more bad energy. Even in the midst of these ugly divorce court hearings I remained calm and composed. I was at peace.
After owning marital homes for three decades, I ended up in a one-bedroom apartment on the third floor of an apartment building just off a busy street. I think he’d have left me homeless if he could have.
There was a lock on the door downstairs, with the traditional buzzer, and another lock on my own door. So I was happy.
But I think it will be a long while before I heal from the experience of losing our family home, and doubt the kids will ever recover from seeing it trashed while the ex was living there alone after I left, stubbornly carrying on with his “just a friend” from work and making arrangements with her on my own home phone. He deleted every saved message, to hide his tracks in case I came “home” to visit or retrieve more of my things.
NoContact, I am sending you a BIG hug. At least as much as the “shared” home, I mourn for the little house I sold to make buying it possible. I owned it for almost 20 years and it represented so much to me – contentment, success, security, identity. Even though I thought I was going on to something better, it was hard to leave it, and my ex scoffed at my emotion over what he saw as a tiny house in a less than desirable area. Be it ever so humble, there is no place like home.
Screw these guys.
HanaleiMoon, here is a BIG hug in return, thank you for yours! [__] I totally relate to your mourning over the loss of the little house, as every one of the little ones that eventuated in the last (which we lived in as a family for 14 years) seemed an additional loss to me too, as if my time with them had been wasted.
LOL I was going to say that I’d tell you what he did with the family home if I wasn’t too embarrassed to do so, then remembered who I am writing to. Since it’s you guys: He inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars, reminded me it was all his, quit his job, and let the family home go into foreclosure.
Ah, geesh, NoContact, that blows. Sociopath.
I too worked and lived conservatively all my adult life for this dream home and that effort went kaput with the loss from its sale. My next home will not be as big or fancy either, but it will be mine, and will be a safe haven.
The house we bought was semi-historic (built in the 30’s) and I don’t know it’s full history but I do know the last prior owners owned it 3 years and split up and the one prior to that about the same length of time…it was a single women who put a lot of expensive improvements in who met a man who took her to the cleaners and she lost the house (small town – learned this from the roofer). I guess the latest history continued. I said a little prayer for the couple who bought it.
I never had a good nights sleep in that house in three years except for the nights I spent away from it. Since moving into the rental, I haven’t had a BAD nights sleep. I guess that says something.
I bought a bottom-level little house in 2011 at the bottom of the market, and planted roses across the front yard.
It is Home for me and the pets.
I’d like to say that it’s been great to see the place appreciate a little in value since I purchased it. But not. It’s just more fuel for the fire! since now he’s mad because the RE market improved following our property settlement (he is renting, oops).
Honestly, I control the weather and the stock market — all by myself.
NoContact – roses! I didn’t let myself do anything special in the garden in the dream house because I knew so quickly that it would need to be sold. At my little home I sold, I had so many roses, each one painstakingly selected from the Jackson Perkins catalog and ordered bare root over time. I’ve got a catalog sitting here right now.
I’m looking forward to the time I can do that again. I will also be adopting a doggie (my first ever) in honor of the fact that I won’t ever have to hear him say “NO MORE ANIMALS” again.
Yes, if it was me, I’d promote the story that I was upside down on the house and things were looking bleak.
So glad you’re Home!!
Thanks, dear Moon. I made myself do it. The kids had to think of Mom “someplace” and the 1br apartment was not it, I think it was harder on them than it was on me. Well, actually it was hardest on the landlord: I moved in with the two cats plus the two guinea pigs and a rabbit. PS, I’m a smoker. 🙂 Figuring I’m virtually the tenant from hell even before the dogs came along (he didn’t want them either), I bought cheap, thank God. Even I wouldn’t rent to me, lol.
Janedoe
I felt the same when I was first discarded. It’s because we have that addiction and it takes a long time to break it. The first few months I was in withdrawal, waiting for him to text or call. I begged him to please cond home. Not to destroy his family of 20 plus years. All the while he was having the time of his life with the mistress. You have to let go. I started no contact. It was the only way to go on. If you let him have that power and control over you to the extent that you miss him, then you cannot heal. I know it’s normal that we feel this way but a gone point you have to leg go if the past. Nothing will change the past. Whatever happened to me will never define me as a person. I can now be myself again.
Kaya48
Were you married?
Each time you asked him to come home, did he?
There’s no marriage with us, we live separately and not near one another…we relied on daily communication and every few Months when “he could” he would visit and they were very romantic, intense, visits like only i existed. a lot of promises were made and we were very close…
I am trying the NC for almost three weeks but it just goes through my head whether or not he misses not hearing from me…I do not want him to know I miss him, like you suggested. Thanks for the wise words, I’m trying 🙂
Janedoe,
Lol, I’m glad you can laugh! We all need to find it again. Yes after him trying to put me in jail, he put restraining order, cop told me to put one on him also, I got an attorney who ended up making my ex have to leave home until it sold. His big bad plan to take me down was backfiring on him. As of December NC for me.
I do remember the times that were so good, there were times when we’d have so much fun, and I swear I felt so loved. But when the flip side showed and his “mask” slipped, it was evil. I still struggle with how could someone be so good to live two lives like that. I remember when he would come around and stalk and snoop around house, sometimes I wanted to run outside and say what happened to you? Why? I never went out to confront him, I just watched him from inside, I watched his face distort into anger, pure anger and hate. It’s all about power and control, I watched him as he lost his control.
Did you see your ex alot? Do you think it would have been the same or different if you lived together or lived closer?
Sasha
You’re exactly right…I too wonder how can someone who was so good be so evil and we don’t forget those good times. As a matter of fact I probably think of them more than the bad because I keep thinking there is a mistake or misunderstanding somewhere that I missed…is that called denial, I wonder? Refusing to let the past go?
I did see him fairly enough I found. We managed a few times a year for a few weeks each time and the balance was through Skype or phone, texts and emails. But we had daily contact. It was perfect for me and if we lived closer I think it would have been more difficult for him because I’d have been on top of things much more. With him being so far away he could lie even more and cheat as well..Have his own schedule. I wouldn’t find out and when I did…you know, he excuses and lies and vindictiveness surfaced
I chose this login name because what kaya said is exactly right. I have not lived with my x for almost four years! and we’ve been divorced over a year now, but each and every time I see or speak with him, it’s as though I am having to start over on recovery even (and especially) when I am totally turned off by the encounter.
Hanalei
Yes I feel the same at times. It is hard to make the rental as “your home. “. I still live in the same community and see the old house almost every day. And like you, I feel nothing.
I am confident though that one day we will be homeowners again. This will be my next goal. It might take years but that’s ok. I managed to get a better job with great benefits, that I truly enjoy. I managed to buy a car, I managed to get financial aid for my sons college tuition. One thing at a time. And I know with gods help we will have a “dream home” again. We can replace everything as long as we have our lives.