UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I feel honored to be an inspiration for your name , no contact. Going 100 percent no contact 383 days ago saved my life. And I first learned about it on this website. I never messed up once in those 383 days. Even in court, no reaction or response from me. Only through my lawyer.
I will remain strong in the no contact for the rest of my life. Because he is nothing to me. He does not exist.
Thanks to all of you for your honest stories. Everyone here is an inspiration to me. You give me hope and strength in knowing that I am not the only one who went through this nightmare.
Wow Sashastrong
He put the jail address for your address. That’s just unbelievable. How can they be so evil? What’s up with them using restraining orders as a tool of manipulation? I know my ex , requested the deputy to serve the temporary restraining order against me, at my place of work. Yes that’s what I said too WTF? Him bring a cop all he had to do is ask his buddy to serve me there. Luckily my lawyer got everything dismissed. But here I was, 20 plus years married, moved around world to support his army career, mother if his only child , and the recipient of a temporary injunction. Because I emailed him and called him he was suddenly “afraid of me”. A retired army guy and law enforcement officer.
I cannot believe how they are all the same.
And yes that restraining order, even though it was dismissed , was day no 1 of no contact. Today is no 383 and still counting. 🙂
Kaya,
Yes, unbelievable isn’t it? No joke, now that we can laugh about it, my friend really framed it because no one could believe how evil and disturbed he is. Come to find out he filed against two other women also. What a class act! So I’m 5’2, about 130-140 lbs, he’s maybe 5’11, 240 lbs wow, so scary i am!!! But here lies his vindictive plan that ended up backfiring on him. I get an attorney who got everything expunged, he didn’t have money to get an attorney at first, eventually he did because after he put tpo on me, cop told me to take his advice and put a counter tpo on him also, so I did. And things like this would make my ex rage and slip up or do dumb things. He would be so set on trying to take me down, that he couldn’t see straight, like tunnel vision. So by him putting the tpo on me, he’s thinking he’s taken me down now, ummmm no…fat chance. Now my attorney fights for me to remain in home until sold and he has to leave! Ha! He had it planned to stay in that house and torture me, and I guarantee he would not have paid his share. So here he goes, another rage, starts vandalizing the house. Another backfire big boy!! Did you really think I alone would just pay for all these repairs out of my own pocket? Of course he did! Well, wrong again, that big ole handout of profit he was waiting for? Yep, screwed himself! December out of house he was and me, NC since that day. Never went outside when he was stalking around, nothing! I just watched him from inside the home, I watched him losing control as each day passed. It is amazing how they’re all the same thinking they can just do whatever they want to us but when we decide to take a stand for ourselves, suddenly we’re so crazy and they try to have us committed or arrested, or rest order. They need that crutch of getting us locked up because they know that when we regain our strength and mind, we can take these cowards down and they know it! Pathetic excuses for men.
Kaya48
Ok you were married, I just asked that in another post
Do you think the fact he was in the army and a law enforcement officer had anything to do with the way he was? Being in charge and the boss of everyone? I wonder if that title goes to their head?
janedoe,
can’t speak about law enforcement but I know certain types are attracted to Army (and other military forces), where they have total control over their underlings. I am given to understand the same about law enforcement, a larger percentage of law enforcement have “control issues”.
The title does not go to their head, they are that way to begin with.
I used to work for the tax board in my state, and I know that auditors LOVED to abuse the taxpayer. I was support for the auditing dept and they would LOOK UP people who pissed them off and avenge their anger. So, when I read of bullying by the IRS department, I believe the abuses occurred just as people say.
Anywhere someone can exploit and bully, it seems prime territory for a sociopath.
Janedoe
I think you’ll find a lot of sociopaths in paramilitary positions – they think they are above the law, mine did!
Kaya48 and NotWhatHeSaid
I posted a reply and have no clue where it went so sorry to repeat myself
Mine was in the army and I find he will use to to impress people more for sure, and he used to post pics of him in gear, so yeah they must think its got a hold over women
He also “worked” for the police many many years ago but I don’t know what he did. It couldn’t have been anything with authority because with all the situations he has been in, he most def could have used his police background to get him out of a situation. He probably did something like clerical work and nothing forceful and used the title of the police to his advantage.
He did claim to having worked for the CIA but I wasn’t allowed to speak of it just in case I was heard by someone lol
With all this “prestige” he has in the employment field, he has now uprooted just like that to a far off foreign country, living with someone 30 years younger and her parents, and has no work…hmm interesting
ah JaneDoe
Someone helped me and you need the same.
On left side of this page, there’s a box “Search Comments”. Just put your name in and it will show all the posts you’ve made. Click on any one and it will take you to that place in the forum.
Kaya48
Keep reminding me! I’m starting to see how they can manipulate you by antagonising the situation and then use the reaction against you…. I’m seething with rage, it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep and all I really want to do is let him have a piece of my mind – via email – But I won’t. I just can’t believe all the bs I believed! He knew he was losing me so 2 days before leaving he updates his profile with couple snaps of the 2 of us and changes his screen saver to a couple shot. I almost had a stroke because he never acknowledges our marriage on fb nor have a photo of me on his computer. Something inside me must have thought he really loves me and I’d hung onto it because 3 days later I’m furious! I move out and not even 24hours has passed and he’s contacting the next one, looking at all these women on fb then last night he’s on a singles dating site = WTF was I thinking? End rant again! Sorry but got to let off steam somewhere….
Ironic, you’ve freed your physical self, now free your mind! and vow to NEVER AGAIN look at something you don’t want to see. It’s inevitable he will do these things, how else is he gonna get your goat or a new victim?
Nocontact
I wish it was that easy! Sadly I think I’m addicted to it but then again I haven’t had any sleep – tomorrow is a new day…
I hear your rage well! Was still living with mine and he was working on his replacement already so that he went right from me to her! Saw some mail that came to MY home addressed to him & her as married couple. They can’t be one day without another woman, that alone shows how insecure they are and what a black hole they live in, they have to fool and dupe people into liking them.
Sashastrong
He’s a prick!
sashastrong, I agree that they can’t be one day without another woman. The mortgage for our dream home listed his address for the permanent address since we bought it as a second home. So, mail with both our names was coming to his house. I wonder how he explained that to his new girlfriend/now his wife, if at all. Then again, she works while he is “retired” so I guess he gets first crack at the mail.
Hanalei,
That’s how mine was anyways, he could not be alone or by himself, I believe that if he wasnt able to find a replacement, and no supply for him, I really think that’s where mine loses it. I don’t think he can tolerate being alone because he’s so insecure that he needs that constant attention and feeding and if he were forced alone, he’d have to face what an evil being he is, a black soul, paranoid. In my researching all this, I remember reading that sometimes they actually admit how horrible they are, quickly and they don’t elaborate. Mine did exactly that, he said “I’m a horrible person” now way back I didn’t understand any of this at the time.
Yes, mine was always home first to get the mail, imagine that!
sashastrong,
I look at it a little differently. My ex was not one of those “can’t be a day without a woman” but rather in his personality disorder, he values the “WIN” (controlling and getting a scam over on others) and that means he must be dominating and controlling another. My ex had LOTS of back burner girls, the back burners would vie to be his main squeeze (granted they usually didn’t know about the other women. when he groomed them, he had them thinking he wanted only them.) My ex was never insecure because he knew there were LOTS of fish in the barrel. That’s why he was okay if a fish jumped her hook, because there was LOTS of others all waiting to be picked. He was the Prince of Duping, although he didn’t care if others liked him… he did USE their desire for him to pull their strings, but at his core, his objective was controlling, in whatever form that came in.
Notwahathesaidofme
I like the clarity your posts always give me. Its like I know what you mean an totally agree but until you verbalize it I’m just not aware of it….maybe? Does that make sense?
yes Ironic.
There’s a lot of deja vu when I read other people posts. It’s very tragic but also very comforting that there are other decent kind people who GET IT, who get what is so hard to put your finger on.
Sometimes I feel like I could be the little dopey Churchill dog commercial, “Ahhh. Yup.” “Yup” “Oh, yup.”
Sashastrong
Do we have the same guy?? This sounds sound similar to me!
Sashastrong
My whole relationship was based on him and I as a couple and him and many others at the same time as a couple..little did he know I’d found “the other relationships he had going on right in front of my eyes” telling them he loved them and counting days till together…I am sure I have repeated myself on here very often so just tell me when I do!! Sorry!
I’d love to speak to his ex wife and hear her version why they are divorced
Ironic
Am sharing what I did when I was needing to vent at him: Might sound ridiculous but it worked for me.
I bought an object that reminded me of him. Mine happened to be a stuffed weasel. I pinned a photo of him on it’s face. I yelled at that weasel a LOT. I even smacked it, beat the S* out of it. It was a way of getting those feelings out of me so I could process the unthinkable.
And, like you note, you can rant here because we not only get it, many of us heard/said the same exact words.
Notwahathesaidofme
Oh that is gold! I must find a weasel or a jackass lol
check your charity or thriftshops. that’s where I found mine.
I will Notwahathesaidofme, thanks for the tip!
My son showed me this Youtube video as a symbol/parady for my ex P. It worked for me similarly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts&feature=kp
I wrote pages and pages of emails to my ex P that I never sent. It helped get it out of my system. Nights are the worst for depressing, anxious and angry thoughts for me.
You responded to his posting the family pics just like he wanted you to – which was a normal response. I find that every single time I had any contact or interaction with my ex P it was a roller coaster due to hims manipulation and messing with my head. The crap they do will never cease to disappoint, enrage, and hurt us. Which is why no contact at all is the only way to recover.
AnnettePK,
Your right, any contact, comment, or interaction would start that roller coaster. I’d actually gear myself up and say to myself ok, your only asking him about the mortgage payment, don’t let him veer off onto anything else, aww hell…. Why did i do this to myself, what was supposed to be a few questions about the mortgage turned into this long drawn out ” cuckoo chaos” of how I am such a horrible person because I had the nerve to read my book after dinner, and I wasn’t fawning all over him, giving him attention. Here I am “defending” my horrible self to him, half the time this craziness would be so drawn out, I’d either forget the original question or be trying to figure where the sudden 360 degree twisted turn came in.
And also true, nights are the worst for depressing and angry thoughts with me too, still are. Suddenly though I’ve been having nightmares of him that wake me up, I’m soaked in sweat and I feel like my heart is pounding out of my chest, kinda alarming for me? I don’t know why this is suddenly occurring.
Did you find that writing all those pages is what helped you best?
AnnettePK
I also have a few emails that are unsent that I have written in the past two weeks.
It really does help sashastrong writing it down. Mind you I would go over it each time I wanted to add something and change things around. Each day I say i will send it and I never do. I find it helps
With the NC also, kind of therapeutic by writing down these thoughts.
I’m debating when one month has gone by for NC whether i shd send the email.
Other things that helped me were being with normal people, doing normal things, and resuming my normal activities. The less contact I had with him and anything to do with him, the better I felt. I read a lot about psychopaths and sociopaths. I listened to this guided relaxation audio which includes suggestions for recovery from a pathological relationship. I listened to it at bedtime most days for over a year. I believe it was a huge help in deprogramming my mind. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
I participated in several online support groups like LoveFraud at different times.
I would say that my spiritual and theological beliefs and understanding, prayer and meditation, and God’s intervention helped me survive and escape more than any other single factor. I credit God for providing all the other resources, too.
You might consider if the nightmares are your subconscious trying to tell you something. Is there a reason that you are in danger that you are not consciously aware of yet? Or it could be that you are working through something on a subconscious level.
Jane D,
You can always send them, but once you send them you can’t take it back. I have never regretted not sending my ex P an email, but I have regretted sending most that I did send.
Maybe in a month, you will feel more like continuing No Contact. If you do send them, it will be an experiment to find out the results. I think most of us have found that usually no good comes of trying to contact these spaths.
I dream of mine once in awhile and it is always the same – I am in a relationship with some other man and it’s all good and then I notice it is actually my ex and he starts ordering me around. I wake up terrified that it was actually a dream that he was gone, and that I am still with him. Terrible.
Hmmm, interesting thought? I don’t think I’m in danger but one never really knows with their type.
Nightmare doesn’t always happen but kinda made me wonder why. Not sure what to make of this yet.
Thank you for your thoughts and insight 😉
Yes, fawning over the disordered person is mandatory. Txtg every 15 min if not rite there with him. Punishment if these rules are not complied with to the disordered persons satisfaction. Which can change without notice, which you are supposed to inituit. If not, see above 😉 In fact everything, you are supposed to just know. At any given second, exactly what to do. Spur of the minute dementia that they descend into shall be adapted to immediately. If not, see above.
I swear there’s a contract we signed in blood somewhere that sounds alot like this!
Aint, you are so right about the fawning! UGH! If I didn’t immediately answer the cell phone, punishment certainly followed. And he seemed psychic, always calling when I was in the bathroom, or arms full with something, or in some sort of disarray! Once I was stuck behind an accident for about an hour in a dead zone and he must have called 30 times…boy was I in trouble. I told him to f’en call AT&T and discuss the locations of their cell towers, as well as the highway patrol to confirm that there had in fact been an accident at the time and location as I claimed.
Once during a mini discard, I actually went out and did something fun with myself, and at that time, had been keeping my cell on silent. He evidently decided at that moment the discard was over, and started calling. When I got home, it went like this – cell rang, house phone rang. Cell rang, house rang. Cell rang, house rang. This went on for about an hour. I finally answered it and the first words out of his mouth (remember, after he had discarded me a few days earlier) were WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN AND WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE. I told him I had been “out” and that just infuriated him. Then I told him I was running errands. He said what errands could you have, do NOT use that word with me, be specific, where have you been? I told him I had been out scouting women for him at Victoria’s Secret if he must know. I honestly said that. Calmed him right down.
Hilarious and sickening at the same time.
Hanaleimoom
Oh my spath would just keep ringing til I answered too. Then in s stern voice ask why I didn’t answer. I finally worked out that he needed his porn fix and needed to know I wasn’t going to disturb him. He only ever rang me from home…
My ex also planned to let the house go into foreclosure. About a week before he left we closed on the refinance to 15 years which made the mortgage payment outrageously high. His answer “don’t worry, this way we can retire early”. He left and stopped making all mortgage payments to ruin my credit. His words “with a foreclosure and bad credit you will be homeless. Nobody will rent to you. I will see you on 41, pushing a shopping cart, begging for money .”
Well, the court stepped in, I sold the house within 3 month. My credit was a little dinged and no I am not homeless. I am renting a beautiful, smaller home with water views, a few miles from the Gulf of Mexico nicest beaches.
He is living in a small apartment by the highway. I guess paying the ex wife alimony cannot be that enjoyable. Like I said , everything he planned backfired in a way he never imagined. And to be in control of my life now is my victory. Oh yeah , he has his cop car and his little minions. Ha.
kaya, mine has the credit he ruined himself.
Oh — and a storage shed.
kaya48 and NoCOntact,
What you two are talking about is the same about my ex, just different circumstances. But my ex would take a HUGE financial loss in order to “WIN” by sabotaging his target victim. The perceived “WIN” was more important than doing what was best for his own interests. THAT MORONIC strategy has damaged my ex, and he blames it all on me. So while I am far away, not such an easy target, I do not fail to maintain my security at all times.
Even though my ex has made no direct attempt to contact me in over two years I can’t imagine a time when I will loosen up my security. As far as i can tell, he had plenty of other women on the line when he abandoned me and he is now married. He has been requested to forward the mortgage documents to my attorney at tax time next year (his home address was the address of record on the mortgage), but other than that, there is no reason left for contact. If the documents don’t show up, I will use the numbers I have and hope for the best. I may be off the bench permanently in his mind, I sure hope so. On the other hand, it would not surprise me if he showed up in the future if he had a lull in his supply. I’m sure he thinks of me as a sure thing.
They do like to troll the waters. I think they forget the crap they did and think we’ve missed them…. NOT! YEah, like I’ve missed the pox. LOL!
Seriously, my ex thinks of my settlement as his so yes, he’s tried to hook me again, sending emails about how he thought we’d reconcile. Reconcile? He’s got some serious amnesia!
Hanaleimoon
Agreed! Stay on guard with them for life, I have proof of their thoughts and online stalking behaviors…
Yes, I was married to him for over 20 years. I am now the ex wife. The divorce is almost final after the lawyer settled.
No, he would not come home after he discarded us the last time. When I caught him in an affair with a young cop, she was his sons age, he left and then came back the next day. I tried to forgive him , we went to marriage counseling , he kept cheating while in counseling. Again I caught him exchanging nude pictures taken during their shifts 8 months later. That’s when he left for good.
I filed for divorce 3 months later. I was done with his lies and crazy making. He always claimed I was mentally ill that’s why he had to leave. Yeah right.
I am ok now. I was awarded permanent spousal support for the rest of my life and half of his at pension and more. Thank god for my zealous lawyer. :).
Kaya, may I please ask: what happened to the next victim — er, I mean, the young lady?
Yes kaya I forgot to ask that in my previous message..where is she now this young child?
Kaya
Wow that’s really fantastic what you got during settlement
So he was messing around with a much younger female cop? He obviously was not ashamed about Doing that?
Mine too left for someone thirty years younger he had told me he hated and found repulsive for the past year. Suddenly out of nowhere a month ago he admitted that this women who is much younger and so very repulsive (mm hmm), and he were getting married…so nice to hear
He was unsure of what he was doing or thinking and wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing, but yet he still went and hasnt looked back once, no contact or one word from him since, although claiming I was always and will always be number one in his life on the day he left. …he was just here with me in April like we were on a honeymoon…all mean lies, no conscience either
Janedoe
Don’t be so sure that he’s forgotten you. The luxury of spyware is showing me that they never give up completely. I’ve had the program for 3 years and My spath has stalked every person online that he’s had a relationship with, although I didn’t know who most of them were until recently. He looked at the young (as young as his son) girls fb profile that he had a 7 year affair with until I found out, on a weekly basis although she didn’t hear from him during that time. Now he’s contacted her again within 24hours of me leaving (he’s also looking at singles dating sites) so don’t be too sure he has forgotten you, mine also looks at his 1st wife’s profile at least once a month…. I really need a life outside of this craziness!
Ironic
Oh jeez I don’t know if that is a good thing if he hasn’t forgotten me. I do know when I was with him at the beginning he was showing me all this stuff he’d looked up about me, where my house was on google maps and he googled all he could about my by using my name..so because he’s such a sneaky quiet guy, that’s how he does his stalking…
We will see if he returns to contact me…so far 2 1/2 wks nudda!
Janedoe
My spath has now private messaged the 2nd girl who’s profile he has stalked for years. He’d look at it at least once a month until this year when I started pulling away so he upped the anti to weekly. When I left he looked at her profile daily (along with others) I never knew anything about her until his private message, I always suspected…turns out she was just a mini discard. He wrote “sorry I’ve been off the radar for a while but I’d love to reconnect if you’re up for it, can you message me your number as the one I had is disconnected!”
I’m thinking he never gives up on anyone….
Ironic,
I’m thinking she changed her number to avoid him….
AnnettePK
My spath was the end result of numerous relationships that head in this direction, mind you he makes the others look like a walk in the park! Maybe she attracted another one after their split nearly 4 years ago?
Ironic,
Noteworthy to me was that my ex Psychopath/Pervert’s first ex wife (the victim before me), had 3 husbands, my ex P was number 2. My understanding is that her first was almost certainly molested as a child and became an alcoholic and a bum. Her second was my ex P: cross dresser, child porn, abuser, pathological liar, gay porn, porn addict, etc. Her third whom she may still be married to, is on the sex offender registry. I don’t really know her, only know of her from others, and it’s my understanding she is a nice person, intelligent, capable, hard worker, all positive things.
AnnettePK
Omg! I hope I’ve learnt some valuable life lessons from this so I can have a normal healthy relationship one day. If I haven’t and they have been progressively worse with each new relationship then the next one will kill me…no wait, this one isn’t quite over so that still might be on the cards…
ironic, please don’t think that way! You will get through this just fine, keep your senses of humor and balance, better times will come.
No, this is not an escalator to Nowhere, just a stage-stop we’re passing through on the Greyhound of Life, as it were. Hang in there, keep up your positive vibe!
Nocontact
That last comment about being killed was sort of a joke. I don’t believe he will ever get the chance. I know he is capable but he doesn’t know we’re watching him very closely – bring on prison I say!
Ironic
How on earth do they have the time to stalk everyone?? That means that’s all they do?? Shit, don’t they work or sleep…ever?? I thought I had the only lunatic in the world who was addicted to the computer…
And why on earth would yours want someone as young as his own child??? I’m assuming you mean early 20’s or so?
Janedoe,
I know, right? Mine would also do the google map thing to my ex bf’s or any men that I worked with.
I’d wonder exact same thing, where the heck do they find the time for all this? And how the heck do they keep everything straight or remember it all? I swear I lived in a state of paranoia because I’d wonder where the heck did he get this info from? How does he find everything out? There were times I’d try to find out stuff about him and I wouldn’t get very far, guess I lacked the “spying stalker skills” that he seemed to have.
Jane, how did you end up uncovering him? Or red flags that led you to his deceit?
Yep 20
It can be helpful to encourage the spath to ‘forget’ about a victim by making him think that she has nothing to offer. Let him think you have no money, no resources, no friends of importance, no drama, just a very very boring life with nothing he wants. It’s described in the grey rock technique. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
I don’t know what happened to the young co worker. Since I have no contact and he lives on a different county , I really have no idea. I could have had them both fired, since they took a lot of nasty photos during their shifts. My lawyer advised me against turning in the pictures. He would have only hurt my alimony case.
And I am not sure if the ex being retired army first seargent and now police officer had something to do with it. I know the marriage counselor said he was a sociopath. She always tolde to file for divorce. From the first day she met him.
I’m sure everyone has read this poem at some time, its such a feel-good poem.
After a while
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents are promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Thank you Sasha strong for this beautiful poem. On this note I wish everyone a good night and that tomorrow will bring us all happiness, peace, sanity and freedom. 🙂
My ex never knew about the program either. But a the end he got so sloppy trying to hide the affairs. He purchased apps for his phone that are disguised as calculator apps. You can hide photos, videos etc behind it. He forgot that the phone was in my name. And the apps were called “keep my photos secret”. I have to laugh about it now. I became an expert in investigation. Ha.
And yes, the best is to move on. Who would want a husband or partner who hides and lies ? I realize now if there is no foundation of trust there can never be any love.
Kaya48
My spath has done some really stupid things! His sloppiness is beyond ridiculous. It always amused me that he thought of himself as clever and intelligent, far better than I was..haha for a policeman he’s not a detective’s a**hole, can’t see the evidence in front of his nose and is so full of himself that he’d never see anything coming from his own mistakes! Hes a twat! But my instincts told me never to reveal where or how I got my info so he’d never learn to cover his tracks – eventually I stopped telling him what I’d found for the same reason, it wasn’t worth talking about anyway because I knew I couldn’t believe a word that came out of his mouth.
Annette
You are so right. Absolute silence is the best, most powerful tool. Today is number 385 days of no contact for me. I also only “communicated” through attorneys. Attorneys will not tolerate the crisp he used to throw at me. They are much more powerful than we are and they know exactly how to respond in a legally correct way so nothing nothing be used later on. It cost me a fortune to retain that attorney, but every penny is worth it. And this how it will be on the future. If anything comes up that requires communication with the ex I will consult my attorney.
Not responding at all equals to the sociopath reduced to nothing. He is not even worthy enough to be acknowledged. It was my life saver.
kaya, you are right that they know exactly how to respond so nothing can be used later on. After the discard, I called him twice, trying to smooth things over and he was so cruel to me. I was left reeling and after a couple of days of silence, he sent me an email that dropped a few bombs on me including one of the reasons he left the relationship was that I had failed to find another woman to bring into our relationship and basically present her to him as a “gift”. This was all written very vaguely but I knew exactly what he was talking about, since it was a fantasy (evidently he thought it was going to be reality) that he had talked about over and over.
When I responded in detail about that whole concept and his expectations, that is when he flatly responded that I was delusional and had a personality disorder that needed treatment. He denied knowing what I was referring to.
It was obvious he didn’t want it in writing. That is when I went NC, except for things like “attached are three quotes for plumbing repair, please review and provide your comments at your earliest convenience”. Then my attorney took that over.
For a short time, he did still call me and text me and professed hurt and confusion when I didn’t respond. From my perspective now, I think it is possible he timed the discard perfectly (when I was so vulnerable, just having closed escrow on the dream home and being there on my own and missing him) to manipulate me to get what he wanted (me gifting him with the woman) since in the past I had done whatever it took to get back in his good graces and why wouldn’t I do that now to preserve the relationship and the dream home. He miscalculated and underestimated me (and the fact that I did have a limit after all). I suspect that if I had complied, he would have gotten what he wanted and he’d have found a reason for another dramatic discard. I had no clue at the time, but he already had multiple women in various stages of relationships in position to be moved up to a starring role. He didn’t even have to be careful anymore, since he had me in an entirely different state.
I had always spent all my time at his house, since he felt my house was beneath him, and as soon as we made the offer on the dream home, that changed. He stated that he didn’t want me to come to his house while I was maintaining my home on the market and getting ready to move, since he didn’t want me stressed out (so caring!), so that he would come to my house instead. He did, he would come and spend the night for sex and run home in the morning, claiming that he was working to get his house ready to put on the market too. I now realize that he cleared the decks (so to speak) of me the minute we put the offer in on the house, and freed himself up to openly have other women at his own home.
I saw putting the offer on the dream house as the beginning of the rest of our lives together. He saw it as the end.
Wow. Haven’t thought about this for awhile.
Kaya48
“Crisp” is a nice word replacement for bulls**t 😉 thanks for the smile ★
Hanalei
How similar. My ex had the same fantasy, bringing a woman into our marriage. When I did not allow that, he proceeded anyhow behind my back and who knows how many affairs he had during the 20 years.
He totally underestimated me also. Once he said “you will never get an attorney”. Ha, when he said that I already had retained one with the financial help of my mother. They think we are stupid.
The refinance was the beginning of the end. He had his exit carefully planned.
While I was hospitalized with a heart problem he changed all bank accounts and the day I was released he left. I still remember my son said “please don’t leave this family”. His answer to his only child was “I have no other choice, look at your mentally insane mother ” .
It is definitely an advantage to have an attorney handle all business and talking. He would have destroyed me in court if it was not for my lawyer being there.
Like I said before I hired a male attorney so the ex wasn’t able to use his “good looks and his police uniform ” to manipulate. My lawyer said “his uniform means nothing to me”.
Hanalei you went through a lot, losing all this money and your home. But at the end I think we are the winners. We are not a part of their darkness anymore. We are in the light now. 🙂
Kara and Hanalei, Count me in on this one too: my ex once alluded to my not having been “raised Mormon” which seemed to be a clumsy reference to his wanting another wife. I even raised the issue myself at one point! offering to participate in an “open marriage” so long as I could have a lover too, and even at one point considering a new “sister” in my life who would share my husband. Was I going nutz, or what?! just trying to salvage what I could, I guess.
But in Real Life, the next time he didn’t come home on time, I left and never returned, it’s been almost four years now and he’s expected me back every single day since. Maybe I’ve expected to be back too, and it will be a real shock to my own system once I finally realize it’s over. Sharing the children has been the hardest part, it’s almost impossible to break away.
NoContact,
My ex was very specific – it was all about ME bringing the woman to HIM. He was detailed about how he wanted me to groom her: meet her at the gym, or randomly at a store, etc. and strike up a conversation, and then a friendship, eventually making it sexual between us and then, bringing her to him. Of course, I would be keeping him informed all the way. He always brought this up randomly, and when things had been going well and I was feeling content and happy.
In my complete innocence, I thought this was just a stupid fantasy and was always mentally rolling my eyes at how stupid this sounded to me. At one point, I even entertained the thought of hiring a hooker to play the part just to get him to shut up. See, I was nuts too.
In my complete innocence, haha. I was always planning barbecue menus, fluffing the towels and planting pansies in his front yard, with him tinkering in the garage or watching tv. I had no idea evil had it’s eye on me at all times.
The idea of having a “sister” didn’t seem so bad. I’d love to share a kitchen with any of you! and hey, it’s your night, again tonight! 🙂 “Take my husband, please!”
Nocontact
Again you’ve made me smile 🙂
LOL. Sister can take my ex P. On second thought I wouldn’t wish him on anyone..
Who wants to take mine? He used to tell me I didn’t appreciate that I had a “handsome millionaire with a big d##k”. He used to be pretty good looking but the other two…not accurate.
Kaya48 and hanalei
Are thy all the same person we have had!!??
Mine wanted another woman as well and for a time because of the geographical distance between us I thought I would play along and tell him I had one. Although when he was here “she” was never available 😉 there was never another woman but when he was in his sexual fantasy mode he would believe anything I said…
But I can’t believe this was actually one of the reasons for his exit? He probably felt so stupid for suggesting these activities to you he used his mean and spiteful responses about you to people and your son to cover his sorry ass and make himself
loom normal because he may have known it was going to reveal a lot about him now…
Is this what sent you to the hospital? Can I ask what sort of heart issues you had?
janedoe, I actually hinted to mine that there was someone at work that might be a possibility, hoping if he thought I was “working on it” he’d be satisfied. But he became obsessed (multiple calls and texts a day asking if I had talked to her, wanting endless details about her, etc.) I ended up telling him her boyfriend had figured out something was up and she no longer would talk to me. This kind of backfired because he got angry and wanted to talk to her for leading me on. Cripes! I ended up telling him she got laid off and I had no way to contact her. (Then he suggested as a manager, I had access to personnel records – really!)
I used to go to the gym after work several times a week and for awhile, my ex was obsessed with me finding a woman in the locker room (he must have seen some porn involving shenanigans in a woman’s locker room) and hounded me to no end. I thought it would have been hilarious to tell him I found someone, had fallen in love with her and was leaving him for her.
Gosh this seems so ridiculous now! And embarrassing!! But also kind of freeing to know I wasn’t alone – I’ve never talked about this to anyone.
HanaleiMoon,
How devious and sneaky he is! Surely, but how could we, have been with the same man?!! My ex accidentally disclosed to me how he tracked down my daughter, who has had a name change and has not spoken to him in 9 years. He got licensed in a certain industry just to be able to look up her social security number. I think what he did could be defined as identity theft because he had to pose as HER in order to obtain the information. But since he didn’t profit from it, she has no recourse.
ooop. edit button not working now. I meant “able to use her social security number to look up certain information.
Daughter might not have any recourse on the civil law side, but what he did is a criminal offense, so he could be charged, but it would be up to the prosecutor.
Also, on the civil side I think that what matters is if she were harmed, not whether he profited.
I really don’t know enough about the situation, so my thoughts may be completely irrelevant.
Notwahathesaidofme
In Australia you need to show “just cause” to look into someone’s private details – I hope it’s the same there? My husband tried to convince me that he was looking at my daughter’s boyfriend through the police system a nd it was flagged with my daughter’s closed file…BS!
HanaleiMoon
Omg i am in hysterics laughing!!
He was that horny he had to text nonstop all day??!!! Omg jeez when they want it they want jt
Your story back to him
About the bf finding out is so funny and how he wanted to “scold ” her for leading you on!!!
He means leading him on I would think lolol
That is so funny…
You aren’t alone on that topic, I am sure of it
One time, because we lived far apart we set up a Skype conversation and I was supposed to include the “other woman” lol so I pretended she was with me but I couldn’t get the computer to work properly I told him, so he couldn’t see us in action…oh my god I set him up so good that day…so we were emailing back and for on msn and he kept telling her how much he loved her!! There was nobody here but me talking to him…dumb fool
That was funny at the time but also called him on how he told her he loved her and had never met her…that was one of the main issues I caught him doing online with other woman he didn’t know…telling them loved them…yuck
janedoe, your story is hilarious too! What pathetic losers they are!!!
Having an insane wife is not a valid reason to leave her. It’s a good reason to stay and help her out. What a jerk; that doesn’t even make sense.
Telling you you would not get an attorney could have been an attempt at programming you, using a hypnotic technique to get you to do what he was telling you.