UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei and Kaya,
How devastating to have to go through this. Gosh so many of us had to walk away from our own homes too, it just burns me. I also find it amazing how they all have everything timed and planned out. It seems like that would require so much time and energy. They must live in a constant state of paranoia and upheaval? I can’t imagine how they keep everything straight. I’ve read before that some do live in constant paranoia, they think everyone else is doing what they’re doing too. Seriously, when you think about it, that is ALOT of time spent doing all that secrecy plotting, planning. That’s why I always say, I wish things wouldn’t go so easily for them, walking off into the sunset i always say, seems so unfair.
When I contemplate just how MANY years went into the making of my ex’s plan to leave us once his father died and he’d inherited the money, it makes me want to …
I have no doubt at all that he intended to kick us to the curb as soon as he could afford it.
The red flags I should have noticed 30+ years ago were legion: no friends, no progress at work, bad relationship with family members, no goals, no plans — and even at 30 when I was at my Hottest, I couldn’t entertain him properly, he wanted a porn film and was still bored. I’m embarrassed to relate that before he met me, he was keeping time with a much older woman (twice his age) who just happened to have a really nice house, the remnants of her former marriage (I’m not sure if she had a last name, the nice house is all he ever mentioned).
In other comments, posters have touched upon the possibility that many of our partners were gay. I’d say that my ex is definitely sexually confused! however I don’t think he’s straight, gay or bi, rather he just hates everyone on an “equal opportunity” basis. All are welcome to apply, in other words.
Since nothing about him is really Seen, who the heck knows if he’s had gay encounters or imagined them? the man is essentially an insect viewing others as a food source.
Hang in there, everybody! this must be the apocalypse of our times.
Nocontact
Mine acts like he’s gender confused too but I can’t be sure. I think you’ve summed it up perfectly for me by saying “anyone can apply” because he can’t get the satisfaction he’s craving.
My ex P is sexually perverse, but passed himself off to me as a heterosexual man. He also doesn’t really fit a specific category – cross dresser, child porn, gay porn, whatever. His relationship with his mother was messed up, and his relationship with his daughter was really messed up. It was like a blur between wife and mother, definitely not a normal father daughter relationship. I concluded 2 things – what he likes is anything not ‘normal,’ and even though I don’t know what he is, I know he’s not heterosexual and he is not interested in physical, emotional, spiritual nor intellectual intimacy with an adult woman, because he doesn’t want to be a man. An interesting phenomena was that long before I knew about any of his sexual perversions, I kept ‘seeing’ him wearing a dress. It had something to do with the way he was not being a man and was trying to hide as a woman – emotionally and intellectually – like he wanted me to be his husband/mother. It was twisted. It was very weird. I said often to him when he was creating arguments and drama and being abusive, ‘you are acting like you’re wearing a dress.’ I also said ‘pink tutu.’ I was on autopilot blurting out what I was thinking – how did I know? I think because it’s a spiritual/emotional perversion – not just sexual.
The spath is a such a dramaqueen. Emphasis on queen. There are guys that get very angry but they still cause drama like a man. The spath went queen. He would withhold sex in a feminine way also. Again, not like a man does, which imo is hardly ever to begin with. Most guys will take it wherever they can get it lol. He would lie like a woman too. Again, hard to define, but you know wat I mean I’m sure. These ppl are sooooooo mentally misfiring.
Aintgonnatakeitnomore
Withholding sex was a way of my P to avoid detection. He tried to convince me and most of my friends that he was just not that into it…umm hello! Screwing everything that put their hand up! Suspect their were also men involved with his twisted life but have only instincts to go on…
ironic, I saw a movie with a great description for what you just said:
“The village bicycle: everyone’s had a ride.”
Nocontact
We call them 2litre coke bottles, a crowd pleaser!
Dickless Tracies?
…but I digress. 🙂
AnnettePK
I said on numerous occasions that you’re acting like a girl lol mine had all the same traits as your P did.
Not just a girl, a LITTLE girl.
AnnettePK
Wow I told mine often he was acting like a woman especially when he would say how I upset him and he had a stomach ache and had to lie down…each time I caught him in a lie…lolol “she” was so dramatic
Ironic, No Contact, Ain’t, et. al.,
Thank you all for sharing your similar experience of the different levels, especially psyhological/emotional/social, of your spaths’ gender weirdness. You all describe this perverse nuance that I perceived with my spath – where he was acting feminine in a perverse hostile way as though he were attacking normal gender roles and making a hostile parody of it. It always unhinged me, made me incredibly uncomfortable and sick; I felt like he was trying to force me to be his mother and/or his husband. Something non-human about it. Very different than a male friend I knew years ago who decided (the decision was an issue for various reasons and he shared his working through the process with some of his friends) to lead a gay lifestyle who was a considerate honest and caring man, with a certain element of peace about him.
I look at it in several ways, not necessarily mutually exclusive. Perhaps the spaths’ brain damage is also in areas that deal with gender and sexuality. Perhaps their need for power and control includes doing anything and everything to disturb others so they use gender role to upset others just like any other tool.
According to my personal theology, the Bible tells us that the angels and demons don’t have gender (Matthew 22:30). Satan was an angel who decided to rebel per his God given free moral agency. Under Satan’s leadership one third of the angels rebelled with him. Satan chooses the wrong attitudes of pride, jealousy/envy, hate, rebellion, desire to harm, desire for unrighteous power and control, selfishness. He’s a liar and a murderer. He is the adversary. He knows that humans will become immortal and will rule under God (Rev 5:10, 1:6). Satan is jealous of our ability to procreate, have children, to add to our family (like God does); and Satan is jealous of our male and female-ness and attacks it in every way he can. James 2:19 states that the demons know that God exists, but continue to make the same evil choices.
The angels who did not rebel are content with the positions God gave them and they are content to serve humanity under God’s direction. 1 Peter 1:12 says angels desire to learn more about mankind’s ability to attain eternal life.
Annette, as you say the manifestation is not mutually exclusive.
I’ve absolutely no idea how my ex has acted out his sexual excesses over the years (how would I know, right?) but I can speak to the same phenomenon in regard to other social issues, specifically the wage-earning issue.
Specifically, ex likes to boast about having been a hotel maid, while he is eating prime rib. In this manner, he manages to diminish both those actually working as hotel maids who can’t afford prime rib, and those who’ve actually earned the beef.
The sexual acting-out is just a single dimension of the whole anti-social picture, in other words, so even if we could come to “understand” our spath’s “inclinations” they would only lead to more dysfunction further along that path.
And the whiney little girl bullshyt! OMG so nauseating. The first time spath did it, I was totally put off by it and always repulsed by it. REALLY?? Like how OLD are YOU?
The narc didnt whine. well he whines about being sick, but i do know alot of men like that. Men cant handle being sick lol The narc got pissed. I dont like either, but at least the narc acts like a MAN and not a whiney little girl who needs a mommy and a spanking for whining becuz he’s SPOILED.
And then the spath’s sister has the nerve to say i treat him like im like his momma! Not becuz she saw me, becuz he told her I do lmao.
Way to enable, loser-family.
I am so done with the loser and loser-family. YAY
AnnettePK
Your scriptures ring true with me. I can certainly see the the devil in my spath. I’m a spiritualist and subscribe to all religions (parts of most) and have, for a while now, felt compassion for my spath as he would never know the true value of life, the gift of being chosen to experience a life. The soul he chose to incarnate as will never see the value in living and that is sad… I have no compassion for him on a human level though! At least I can separate the “I’m having a human experience ” and “I’m a spiritual being” or I’d never be able to forgive and move on – even to forgive on a spiritual level can free me from the pain of the past and be enough to not suffer from this for the rest of my life. I do have a road to travel to get to that point and I’m allowing myself to grieve and heal, this is all part of my journey and I’m absolutely convinced that I’m protected from above while I grow to who I want to be.
I was raised Unitarian and am a devoted astrologer and metaphysicist. Before any of this “came to light” I’d have argued with you Annette, about the Realism of Evil and the concept that man must make a spiritual choice.
Not anymore.
In my world, this has been such a nuclear holocaust that I have come to believe only a demonic force could be behind it. We think in terms of Positives and Negatives — assuming everybody wants to work toward the former and fight against the latter — but that is NOT always the case. Some people seem to be wind-up toys from an insane Underworld, set to take off in the wrong direction and determined to drag others along.
Nocontact
Me too! About the metaphysical and I’m into checking the moon and planets to see how I’m swinging lol
As for the demonic underworld – I agree but see it as the balance of good versus evil, the polarity that is required for all to exist. We idealize the image of perfection and strive to achieve it, we wish for heaven when we’re in hell but without the differences how would we know we had a choice? I’m choosing now, based on my experience with the spath. I intend to make the next half of my life the best it could be because of it, if I hadn’t had the experience then I wouldn’t have searched so extensively for meaning and value. I can thank my spath for showing me what I am not and for giving me the drive to make it better. I think my life would have been very boring, I’d be idling and not experiencing new and exciting things if I’d met Mr right and everything just flowed along – sure I can see the joy of normality but that is also what I’m trying to achieve now because I’ve decided to eliminate the choas based on experience.
No Contact,
I practiced astrology and magic arts, tarot cards, past life regression. I studied astrology for years with some friends. There is a lot of power in all these. I stopped participating years ago because I got new information and my beliefs changed.
I still tend to notice astrological correlations, what signs the moon and sun are in, aspects to planets. I also remember the charts of family and friends that I cast way back when; and I remember the major planet transits that I charted out for the rest of my life. I don’t use it for predictive or planning purposes anymore, though. I try to ignore what I know and make decisions based on other information. I don’t the information I used to get from magic arts to strengthen my character which I am trying to focus my life’s energy on. Easier said than done.
Sashastrong
Correct…very unfair to walk away and never have heard from them again and in the meantime leaving behind a ruined woman who has to rebuild herself, her self esteem and her entire life all over again…so pathetic they have no conscience or empathy
Sashastrong
My ex was literally walking into the sunset. After he left he went on a Bahamas cruise with his little coworker, their alcohol bill was over 600$ for 4 days, probably sipping exotic drinks watching the sunset. I never knew about all of his escapades until he turned in financial statements to the court. He was living it up, like the “king of the minions “. Lavish dinners, trips, shopping and jewelry.
At the same time he stopped paying his sons college tuition.
On this day, 1 year ago, he was served divorce papers. That morning he returned from one of his cruises. I got an email saying “what did you do that for , filing for divorce? I am still not coming back you know that ?” He honestly thought I wanted him back by filing for a divorce. See how distorted they are.
Thank god he can do this to his new minions now.
Kaya,
I would think that eventually word would get around about him, and his true colors will come out and he won’t be mr wonderful anymore. I know they can fool a lot of people, but not everyone. And look at him now, in a small apt by the highway, ha is right! And the alimony! Love it!
I like to think that deep down inside they all loathe themselves, hence the reason for twisting all blames on us, to try to make themselves feel better.
Here’s another thing that was soooo weird until I researched and found this to be another one of their “fabulous traits”
I don’t know if this type of incident ever happened to anyone, but I remember one time I was crying my eyes out, trying to make relationship work, couldn’t understand the coldness of mine watching me cry and not having any compassion whatsoever. Call me too emotional, but for me, when I see someone crying, I don’t know, my internal human nature compassion kicks in and I try to help or console that person, but that’s me. So anyways, nothing for me, but YET, our neighbors father died (neighbor was in her 60’s, so her dad was 90’s), now she knew he wasn’t well so she had come to terms with it. But the day she told us he passed, my ex started crying like a baby!! Full blown tears and all! Now my ex never even KNEW her father! He lived in another state! WTH? You could clearly see how uncomfortable this made my poor neighbor. Back then, I knew nothing of what I know now about these whack jobs, so I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Talk about bizarre.
No contact
I like your statement “an insect viewing others as a food supply”. You are so right. My ex was never satisfied with me , even when I was in my 30’s and in great shape. He always needed porn and taking pictures of himself. There was no passion, romance or closeness. It was all mechanical. He never had good relationships with friends, co workers of family. Nothing was normal. Looking back now there were so many warning signs. Once I found a profile on Ashley Maddison (their motto is : life is too short , have an affair), hd created it looking for women (anything goes , he wrote). Just sickening. You don’t do that when you are committed to someone. There was no respect for me at all. He never realized how much he hurt me with his porn addiction. When I told him, he said “get over it”. The same when he had affairs “get over it”. I once asked him “what if it was me having an affair “. He answered “cool, that would be awesome. “. Unbelievable.
Hi friends, I’m writing this from from a friends house hours aways from my home so I can stay safe from my ex spath. I’m having a difficult time accepting this is the position I’m in. After being followed and threatened I knew it was best to get away for my safety but it really hit home once I talked to the woman’s shelter in my city. They are concerned for my safety as well and recommended the shelter if I had no where to go. They believe I’m taking the right steps. Only a handful of people know where I am at this point. Talking to the woman’s shelter helped and I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for their support and validation — it’s just so surreal to hear experts confirm my concerns. I’m going to set up an appointment for counseling and log term safety planning once I’m back. The safety plan they helped me come up for now: If he shows up, assume he has a gun and call 911. I can’t even wrap my head around this! How did this happen? Why did I allow this to happen? It’s like I’m living someone else’s life. I can only hope he gets bored and leaves me alone….
I really appreciate you all for sharing your stories. The “gay” spath experiences have been standing out to me. It’s crazy so many of us have gone through this. I found out that my spath uses the internet to scour men for oral sex. I’ve also put some other pieces together about his adventures with men…it’s so odd. I can’t wrap my head around this one either. I can’t wrap my head around any of this. Like NoContact said, it’s about “Equal Opportunity”. I agree. I feel like my ex just doesn’t discriminate. Anyone who he can have control over and receive sexual gratification from is okay in his book! Looking back I think about the exgirlfriend he would complain about because she was into group sex, encouraged it from him and he found her disgusting. I’m sure he was having group sex…and that he was the one behind it! Poor girl….
TDS79, you have done the right thing and did nothing to “allow this to happen.” It IS like living someone else’s life, a surreal nightmare from which it’s impossible to awaken.
I’m glad you are safe! that is the only important thing. Look what you did NOT allow to happen. Thank you for being alive to post your message and, it’s hoped, to read this.
Ironic
Yes I agree with you there…I sometimes believe I had one over on him because he actually thought he could get away with half the lies when I managed to question him on all of them. He did tell me before he took off he would like to
Continue things with me because the new girl was never to find out and she was nowhere near as perceptive as I was…supposing that meant I caught him too many times and was smart enough to do so…probably why I have not heard from him because I told him how wrong he is doing what he’s doing…so he knows I’m right and doesn’t want to hear the truth from me while he is fooling the new family…he knows I’m
On to him
Janedoe
Yes! I actually think that is why I want to let him have it – so he knows I’m onto him. But that is only counterproductive, he’d either use it as a weapon against me or get an idea of how I found it all out and learn to cover his tracks better. I never wanted to make it so though for the next victim to find anything out by giving him the knowledge needed to avoid detection…
Ironic
Yeh I wouldn’t want the poor girl
To know from me what he’s like either. I do want her to smarten up and somehow catch him so it will be the beginning of the long list of lies he will have to create.
I want to watch him squirm, although he will never tell me and he’s never told me why his ex gfs weren’t jn the picture…
You’d better be careful because if
He’s going to use it against you for anything…it’s not worth it for you to do that.
Janedoe
I’m telling him nothing! Although I want to scream it from the rooftops and sometimes I’m tempted to forward his private messages to them so they know they are not the only ones, I won’t. It is only a temptation and I have control over it.
The only thing that brings the whole “keep it silent” thing unstuck in my head is that I wish someone had warned me….
Hi ironic!
I suffered too, over the “why didn’t anybody tell me?” part of the deal. After we got married, his mother mentioned “he’s a pathological liar” as if it was a reference to his hair color, I was taken aback and didn’t think of her words again for many years.
Then I thought about them a whole LOT! and while she was not well and shouldn’t have been expected to discuss his “inclinations” with me, his father did not have the same excuse.
But it’s not as though I was blind, either: I could see he had no friends, a crummy job, lived in a rental his father owned, and didn’t seem to know how to use a toothbrush. What was I thinking?! (never mind, it’s just my inner Script that plays when the rest of the machine is in Neutral, lol)
Nocontact
I did have the odd comment that stayed in the back of my mind from his ex wife but I thought it was just sour grapes – everyone has their own reasons for leaving… those little comments were never enough, I have a whole load of proof that they could look at, ponder and ask me questions about, it’s not vague suggestions…
When time had aroused my suspicions I started to understand what those messages were, I also saw his father hide porn on several occasions which should have been a huge wake up for me yet I had to suffer some more…
NoContact
Are you serious your ex said that!!?!
To say that about his daughter is inhumane!
I’m sorry to hear about this it is very heartbreaking. You do not need that negativity to make her well…that would be the absolute last straw I would take from him…and I really don’t wish harm on anyone no matter how bad that are…I’m in disbelief
Thank you, Jane. I wish I could say it was close to the last straw but actually it didn’t even compete with the trauma he’s dosed me with.
Please don’t miss an earlier post I put someplace above, where I proposed our ex’s could be encouraged to go ahead and add another woman to our relationships! with the caveat that the OW would turn out to be one of US, heheh.
NoContact
Yes I did see your other post thanks
If you end up with mine as the OW you may just say no thank you and leave!
Ironic thanks so much. I’ve kept your email address from an old posting of yours as I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me asking for advice.
I haven’t privacy for the next Month but will email when I can. Thanks again and big hug
Anytime Bally ♥
Someone on here (sorry) asked me why I was in the hospital. Well, I had many hypertensive crisis, where my blood pressure went to like 240/120 or higher. The doctors were baffled because they I am a healthy woman. And it very dangerous as stroke or heart risk increase dramatically. They usually admitted me to monitor me for a few days. Well, since the discard I never once had this problem again. My doctor said it was definitely caused by the ex.
So this is why the discard saved my life. 384 days no contact and no blood pressure problems. 🙂
Kaya48
It was me who asked about the hospital
For the first time you can say thanks to the ex!
Glad you’re ok 🙂
Annette
You stated it so correctly. Like a roller coaster. Sometimes I questioned myself “why am I asking for more pain, more insults, more blaming “? And then I emailed or texted him again.
Once I found lovefraud and went no contact my healing and recovery began. Very slowly. Day by day. I think it’s day no 384 for me now. It’s like this heavy weight lifted of me. It’s an indescribable feeling. When I drive by a police station, mental institution, I thank god he took him away. I smile and I have this great feeling of victory. He cannot threaten me with anything anymore. It’s over and it feels great. To me it feels like a entire new life. No drama , no tears, it’s wonderful. I think I very cured of this addiction I had to him.
Thanks for sharing. It’s inspiring. I hope to be free soon of some complications that are keeping him in my radar, and get to where you are someday.