UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei moon
I feel the same way. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “oh I hope the house is clean enough to meet his standard”. Then I realize I don’t have to meet his standard anymore. Sometimes I get worried if I gained sone weight of have a new wrinkle. Would that meet his standard? It’s crazy how we get used to this crazy making.
He only left us about 15 months ago. You are at year number 3 now. I hope with time my anxiety about things will lessen. I can now find pleasure in simple things. A sunset over the ocean is enough to make me smile. I noticed that I don’t have these fear dreams anymore. Everything became real anyhow. I used to have the fear he would cheat and leave. He already done that. So I am not afraid of the unknown anymore. Because he threw me in the unknown and I survived and I took it one day at a time. I never liked change in my life but I am grateful now that this change he pushed on me and his son was for the good. Because now we are at peace and before we were in turmoil. Every day without this evil man is a good day.
I wonder sometimes if he treats the young co worker the same or does he wear a mask and treat her good ? I used to hate her, I should feel sorry for her.
kaya, I have read that their relationships all play out in the same way, they only modify their approaches to suit the current target.
In my case, I found out that he had relationships with multiple women at his office, some that were under his supervision (it was in the paper). Because I had previously worked there (that was where I had met him), I was able to contact them and find out some details. He treated them all pretty much the same way – a dreamboat in the beginning, then controlling, then vindictive when he didn’t get what he wanted. When one woman dumped him, he wouldn’t stand for it and told her he had booked a cruise for the two of them. She eventually gave in to going, and he treated her like a queen. At the end of the cruise, she told him she had been wrong, and wanted to stay together. He told her he wasn’t interested and literally turned his back and walked away. He went to that trouble and expense just to do that to her!
He got married almost a year ago. This is all I know. I have no idea how it is going, or even if they are still together. I feel sorry for the woman, because I know that it can’t possibly be the life she thought she was getting. There’s nothing I can do about that.
Did you ever see the old movie Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts? I often think of the scene when she is finally on her own and lined up all the towels and cans in the cupboard perfectly, then realizes that she can go back and mess them up. That is us. The worst is over.
HanaleiMoon…your ex sounds like mine in the respect that all his women were from his work. Work was only a playground for him. Wow.
SER
My soon to be ex’s women were all from work also. Isn’t that strange? They called him Cpt America at his work and he had his little “minions” everywhere. I am sure the 22 years he was active duty army he had his women also, just hid it better. I guess when they get older in age they slack. For me it was very easy to find out with today’s technology. A spyware program installed on my home computer, which he used, gave me all the evidence. Idiots.
kaya48…in a way I think it is strange as I don’t think most men stalk all the women at work the way mine did. Most men find women somewhere else…at bars, online, etc. He didn’t do anything except work and drink so work was the only place he could meet people, but he was married, too!
Hanalei moon is so right. Work is a candy store for them. I also discovered he had a profile on Ashley Maddison. (Life is too short, have an affair is their motto) When I confronted him about it , he did not know how that profile got online? It he tip of the iceberg was when my teenage son found photos of him and the other deputy, taken during their shifts. His lawyer claimed they were just co workers. Well co workers usually do not exchange nude photos of themselves, I would say. I could have turned them both in to the sheriffs department where they work. But why? It would have only hurt my alimony case as his income would have give down. I really don’t miss these lies and betrayals. Why keep a liar in my life? Not only did he disrespect his wife but also his son. That’s something I will not forget. As a Christian I forgive him but I will never talk to him again or have any contact with him. His judgement day will come.
I am amazed about the similarities in all of our stories. I am glad I am past this pain now and I can honestly say “he did not deserve the love of his wife and son”.
kaya48…I am so glad for you that he is out of your life…wow, he did some really awful things to you. I don’t even know you and I respect you for not putting up with it. The one I was with…his wife puts up with all he does to her. He cheats and cheats and cheats and she knows all about it and she’s still with him even after he lost his job due to all his shenanigans. I realize that is her choice. I think she has many reasons why she stays…the children, financial, she’s a Christian (he is not), but most of all, I think she still loves him despite all he has done. I feel bad for her, but if she chooses to stay married to him, there is nothing anyone can do about that.
SER and kaya, I think work is a candy store for them because they can watch and assess the women without them knowing, and tailor their approach to best advantage (it sure worked when he came after me). Plus, they’re lazy.
Mine had a reputation as being a simple nice guy whose wife was very ill, and then died. I think that along with some sympathy got him a long way, at least initially (again, it worked with me). When I talked to two of the women he had gone after at work, they mentioned that it was general knowledge that he was a “serial dater” and actually, not such a nice guy at all, yet there always seemed to be someone willing to get involved with him. At least, until he got let go for harassment. Jerk.
HanaleiMoon…wow, they sound sooooo much alike it’s uncanny. That’s EXACTLY what my ex did…observed and assessed and then went in for the kill. Lazy…OMG, you are so right!! Super lazy, but brilliant mine was.
Same with my ex…most people knew his reputation, but if they didn’t, they just thought he was a friendly guy. And yes…same…even though so many people knew he was an a**, so many were willing to get involved with him including me, except at the time, I did not know he was an a**. And mine was fired, too!!, and he had a very high position at a huge company. But he didn’t lose his house or his family. Wow, I am almost speechless. So many of them are so much alike.
Hanalei moon
I did see that movie. Yes that is how I feel. He molded me to a specific standard and for over 20 years I was forced to fit into that mold. That that I am free it’s almost empowering. And you are right, the worst is over. I used to have severe hypertension. After I was discarded it “cured” itself magically and I no longer need medication. The cause of it was him, that’s why my internal medicine doctor said. Isn’t that amazing. Besides the marital home I lost I did not lose anything in reality. It makes me so happy to know that.
Hanalei have you experienced a new relationship after him? Just the thought of it scares me.
Thanks for all your great advice.
kaya, I haven’t had a new relationship. I haven’t even had a cup of coffee with anyone. When he abandoned me the ink wasn’t even dry on the escrow papers of the new home and my entire life was turned inside out. I had no time or thought for anything but picking through the ashes of my life, salvaging what I could, keeping my head above water financially and maintaining the house on my own.
It’s been less than 3 months since the house was sold and I’m still sorting through the economic realties and deciding where I want to settle. My priority is finding a new, permanent home.
I sure hope that there is a healthy, sincere relationship in my future, and that I’m ready for it when it comes along. The thought of it scares me too right now – but I know there are more normal people out there than disordered ones. I’m so skittish that one false move and I’d be gone like a flash. I was 59 on my last birthday, and I know my age puts me at a disadvantage (or maybe that is just the ex’s words I hear in my head). For the next little while, I’m going to focus on finding a home and settling in, getting involved in things I enjoy and building a circle of true friends.
Hanalei moon
I don’t think your age puts you at a disadvantage at all. You are right those are words from the ex. My soon to be ex always told me that I was old. When I was 43 he would say ” well you are going to be 50 soon”. Isn’t that part of life and marriage, that you grow old together? They have everything so wrong. People tell me that I look so much better and happier now. Age is just a number. Yes he is with a 20 something year old now. He is 45 and what if he runs out of “young minion supply”? How shallow and pathetic they are.
A good thing is that I don’t need a man to make me happy. Just getting this evil out of my life was sufficient enough. I am truly happy now. Even my son who attends college and lives with me is so much more relaxed and at peace. We survived. Still I give a lot of thanks to my great attorney. Without him I would have not come out of this mess the way I did. 🙂
I hope I can get to that point that he feels dead to me. Its awful everyday, I wake up the same it never changes. I am shocked, I walk around our house I have no idea what I am going to do, the cable that was in his name..he just let it lapse. It got shut off and he says he needs his clothes, cable boxes etc. He tells me I am pathetic because I ask him why he would do such a terrible thing to me. Why he started his new job back in Septemeber and said he was single to everyone. He had on several occasions sent me a photo via text of his work desk, with the photo of me and him out on his desk. That photo was never out. He would put it up, snap a picture and put it back in his desk. He used me. Lied, cheated. And I still can not get angry..I should be! I am just heartbroken..the last time I asked him why he did this. How he could throw me away like garbage ..he said time will tell if things can be worked out. Time will tell?? You mean the time hes spending building a relationship with his next victim?
It is the worst thing other then losing my sister, it actually feels almost the same and that was my sibling. How could a piece of crap be compared to the same as losing my sister. He is so evil. I try to believe in karma, but he is happy as can be and does not care if I live or die.
taralav…first of all, you will get angry. I believe it’s the second stage of healing. It will come. It did for me, but I wavered back and forth between sadness and anger…still do.
Second…he is NOT happy as can be. I had to learn this, too. We just think they are, but they will never be. Never. Everything is shallow and superficial to them. Please remember that. I will pray for your peace today.
Tara, I too used to walk around the house with no idea what I was going to do. It was awful, even intolerable every day and I thought it wasn’t changing. But it did. It didn’t feel like it, but it did. It takes a long time, but with NC, you will break the addiction, and it WILL get better. Trust everyone here, we have all been in your shoes.
I can tell my story without getting upset, or spiraling into rumination now. This jerk doing that with your photo struck a nerve with me, so I’m going to tell you what mine did.
We met at work. It was my dream job, the pinnacle of my career. I outranked him, outearned him and was well respected. I absolutely loved that job, and thought it might be where I would stay until retirement. When we started seeing each other, we agreed to keep it to ourselves in the office (it was the professional thing to do). He love bombed me and within a short time I was hooked. When he knew he had me hooked, he started saying he was worried that he was getting too serious about me and that he might want to see other people. I freaked out. Of course, this was a test to see how addicted I was. This went on for a few months, with him coming close and then pulling back, and it made seeing him at work very difficult for me. When it was good, we seemed so matched, so right (which is what he wanted me to think…we never were). We planned a trip together and he told me he was afraid that people would notice we were both gone at the same time and put two and two together. He made me worry that he was going to bail on the trip until the minute we actually left. When we came back, he amped up the concern, telling me that if the relationship was to continue, one of us had to leave our job (you can see where this is going). I didn’t want to leave that job! This became an ongoing conversation and I was torn up over it, but made no move, hoping it would all work out. After a few months, one of my colleagues came after me for no reason, and because he had clout with the boss, some bad things happened to me, and I had no choice but to leave. It never made sense, why I was the scapegoat, and it felt all wrong. I was heartbroken. (It wasn’t until just about a year ago, almost 10 years after this happened, that it crossed my mind that my ex was probably behind that cruel thing that happened to me).
I found another job, and was excited that we could now be above board. But NOW he told me that he still wanted to keep it private since I had left under bad circumstances and he didn’t want that “stain” to impact his job. This never changed over the next six years together…through what I thought was building a life together, buying a house together, shopping for rings together. It didn’t feel right but I could almost, if I squinted, see his point. One time, walking off the plane and into the airport after a vacation together, he tensely said “I think I see someone from work over there” and I instantly sprinted away from him and disappeared into the crowd, TO PROTECT HIM. At this time, I hadn’t worked there for several years!! When he caught up with me, I even told him that if he was questioned, he could say it was a coincidence that we were on the same plane!
To make a long story short, after he discarded me, I found out that he had been seeing at least 7 different women at his job during our “relationship”. THAT was why he didn’t want anyone to know about me…he wanted them to think he was single. Later, one of them told me that they always thought it odd that he could only date on certain days of the week…those were the days that I wasn’t with him and at my own home.
I am telling you this story to help you see how cruel it can get. How much we let ourselves overlook, not because we love them, but because we are addicted to them and they will destroy your life if you let them, and they will get a momentary sense of satisfaction and then not even notice. There is only one reason I would have gone on to invest my life savings in a future with this monster after this treatment (and others), and that is that he made me a junkie without me even knowing. I hope and pray that you will go NC long enough to have a clear thought, then three, than ten. Being discarded was the worst, and best thing that ever happened to me because I got my life back. And somewhere, somehow, when I was at my lowest, I found the strength to fight to get my life back.
Don’t concern yourself with karma, whether he is happy or not. He doesn’t care if you live or die…so stay NC and do not listen to anything else the monster has to say. Save yourself from further harm TODAY. Find a therapist if you don’t already have one. If you even get a few minutes a day when you aren’t thinking of him, that is a great start! Don’t worry about the cable in his name that he left lapse (mine walked away from a huge mortgage that was in both of our names and left me to pay the payment and maintain the house – do you think he thought about that one minute? NO). At first I thought it would all blow over, since we had planned for the house for years and it was such a big deal (for me) to buy it together. It meant NOTHING to him. You are ahead of me, you realize that already. Build on it!
HanaleiMoon…I am so thankful for you telling your story. You don’t know how much it echoes mine. It’s unbelievable. The one big thing that is different is that I did not have a long term relationship. A junkie…great word…that is what I was also in the worst way. I had never been addicted to anything in my life until him and then thought it so weird that I was addicted to a PERSON instead of a substance. I do have to make a comment and I am not sure if this will upset you and I know it may sound naïve coming from me, but I wonder if he WAS getting too serious about you, but because he did not want to commit, he pulled back. Some may think I am crazy by saying that, but if he was not ready to commit to any woman (that was obvious since he was dating seven women at one time), and if he DID have feelings for you, I could see him pulling away as that is not what he wanted. He wasn’t capable of it nor did he want it…he was a player and wanted to stay a player. I am sure you have thought about this, haven’t you? Even if to make yourself feel better. I know I have felt that way…thought that we really DID have a connection, but because he was not available, he did not allow me to become close to him. After all, I was offering everything he wanted and I knew he did like me a lot…why discard me and go back to the married woman he was seeing? I always wanted to think it was because he started having feelings for me and I was single and available. He knew she was married also which meant that neither one of them were available…he was clearly only using her. He used me, too, but I think he also may have disappeared because he was getting too close. She even said that to me and I will always wonder about it.
I also thought I was going to retire from my job. That was the plan. I was there a long time…over a decade and left it all because of him. He was five levels above me unlike you who was above your ex. It was awful. I sometimes still can’t believe I gave up everything because of him. I gave up my livelihood and most of my pension because of leaving so early. Oh, I will get a small monthly pension when the time comes, but it will be about 1/4 of what it would have been if I stayed until retirement. He still has his home and family…so unfair. He doesn’t deserve any of it. I know he is not happy though so it doesn’t really matter.
Did you say he is married now? Or has a girlfriend? Is he still at the same job? Our stories are so uncannily close…it’s really something…all the women at work, etc.
SER, he’s not a player, he’s a sociopath and a predator. I believe that his conversation about getting too close to me was all a part of the grooming, the pulling me in then pushing me out that he knew was keeping me hooked to him. At the time I even told him this made no sense, if the relationship was as good as he said it was. He used this to create space for time with other women, to manipulate me into proving I was worthy of him, to get me to accept unacceptable behavior and to toy with me just for fun, like shooting around my feet to see me dance. I had no idea what was going on, the lies were mind boggling. If a man said something similar to me today, I’d say ok, see ya.
They do what serves and amuses them at the time, no more, no less. They may have an attraction to us, but they have no real human feelings for us, they are incapable of that.
He is married now. The marriage is what serves and amuses him now.
HanaleiMoon…you are right about him and mine, too being predators. Sorry, I am having a very hard time lately articulating the things that are really in my head and it has been bothering me. I KNOW they are predators so why would I even say he is a player? I have really been down on myself lately about this not being able to articulate what I really want to say. I have all these thoughts in my head, but they never come out the way I am thinking about them in my head! I wonder if it’s part of the healing process for me? Kind of like a part of PTSD.
Absolutely…they are just like three year old little boys…it’s only what is in the moment. There is no yesterday or tomorrow and it’s all about them. I saw that many, many, many times. Yes, there was/is an attraction, but it’s shallow.
I hope my questions do not upset you. I am curious about him being married now. I wonder why her and not you? These things fascinate me I guess. Just wondering what may have finally made him decide to get married. UGGGHHH…men. Sorry, but I CAN live without one.
SER, your questions don’t upset me. We all have ups and downs in our heads and healing process.
Why her and not me…well. I can only tell you what I think. He discussed marriage to me quite a bit, and took me ring shopping several times and hinted that a ring was coming at any time. I didn’t feel that I needed marriage (had already done it once) and maybe I sensed something. He tempted me with huge rings, destination weddings, la la la la. When we bought the house together, it seemed a wedding would follow at some point, but he knew that marriage wasn’t a priority to me. He knew I planned on spending the rest of my life with him, married or not.
I suspect he acted quickly in getting his new wife to the altar before she had time to be wary. Unlike me, she may have been highly motivated to be married, and I’m sure she felt that she had found her soul mate (gag). And I do believe that since I’m sure that he blamed me for the end of our relationship to his family, etc., the quick wedding was a very public display of him not being the problem, since he had someone clearly in love with him. We still jointly owned the house together when they got married…wonder how he covered that.
HanaleiMoon…I see. It does make sense that the new wife was probably ready to get married as well, but it’s confusing to me…why does he want to be married to anyone??? Usually someone who is a predator and had seven women on the string at the same time does not want to get married. That is usually the last thing on their mind. I am sure he is not being true to her. Wow, just wow.
SER, I don’t think he had all 7 women at the same time, I was told there were 7 women he “dated” at his work over a few years. I’m sure there were others outside of work. We spent so much time together that there was no way he could have handled that many at one time and still held a job.
I too wondered why get married if you want to have multiple women at a time. I do know he seemed to like marriage, he married young and was single very briefly between marriages although I now know he had others during both of those marriages. He would have probably married me if I had been enthusiastic about it.
I asked my therapist the same question and she said this: he probably wanted to get married to create a show of normalcy at that time for any number of reasons, and he was almost certainly behaving as he had with me to one degree or another and either the new woman knew about and accepted the lifestyle or like me, she had no idea.
Based on my time with him, I firmly believe that except for short periods of time when he’s out of supply, he will never be satisfied unless he has multiple women in his life. And he likes the illusion of a stable relationship, one that will always be waiting at home for him, taking care of him, creating nice holidays for the family, etc. No conscience, and doesn’t care what it’s doing to the other person, plus, he’s hurting all those other women too, since you’d assume they were dating him because they were truly interested in him.
HanaleiMoon…good observations. That is usually what is said about these men…they like marriage to look normal…to have the stability of the woman at home taking care of everything while they still play. I think they choose that wife very well. They choose someone they know will put up with the cheating. It amazes me how they do it. I love your last sentence. That was me…one of the other women who fell madly in love with him and just wanted him to love me back. I would not date a married man, but he had already been separated for an entire year and had his own apartment. That’s a pretty long time. From what I have observed of relationships, people usually are not separated that long unless it’s leading to divorce. Sooooo, I was duped and I was very stupid. Very. It still makes me upset thinking about it after all this time. Thank you so much for realizing how the other women can be hurt, too. People don’t usually think about that. The only thing the other woman gets is grief from everyone for doing something so wrong, but they don’t always know the circumstances. It destroyed me.
this is a utube vid about stress. the last 13 min or so talks about heart intelligence. see, ur mind can KNOW but ur heart is what controls ur mind. until ur HEART knows, ur stuck. this is why working thru stuff is so important. u cant work thru all of it at one time; u cant work thru all of it in one life time probably.
but u HAVE to process. u cant skip it. ur heart doesnt forget. ur heart is what overruled ur mind in the very beginning. its why the spath became ur drug.
when we can heal our heart, its what hurts the most anyway, right? when we can, we will get relief.
we can keep working on our mind of course, its very important too. but this vid may be the beginning of another important tactic.
plus its got alot of great stuff in the rest of it about cortisol and stress relief!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZnS5_WWt-A
Taralev,
SER and Hanalei are so right. And I think the second stage is anger. When I was discarded after 20 years of marriage I compared the pain to when my dear father passed away. And in no way do they deserve that comparison.
I know exactly how you feel. I used to walk through the house, wishing and dreaming of the day he would return, praying to God for him to realize that he walked out on his wife and son. But you know what, he was enjoying drinks on a Caribbean cruise with the mistress/co worker during that time. I did not know that until he had turn in financial statements to the court, which my attorney and I received copies of.
He also took of his wedding band when he went to work. One time I asked him why. His answer was “I don’t want the criminals to know that I am married.” He is a deputy. Can you believe that I actually believed this crap.
Taralev I really feel your pain. Last year at around this time I was at the same place. Today I am waiting for the final judgement in this divorce and not once have I regretted filing or enforcing the no contact.
And SER is so right. They cannot be happy. It’s a facade they put on for the new victim. They cannot experience happiness because they are so self centered they don’t even like themselves. We are just objects to them. They think they are God. In reality I compare them to the devil. And I don’t communicate or do business with devil. And that is why I filed for divorce and will never give him the time of my day, ever. You will get to where I am. It won’t happen overnight. It might take a year like me. My prayers are with you.
I forgot to mention. Happiness comes from the heart. Those who abandon and discard you do not have a heart. They have an ice block in its place. So they will never be happy. They are just hunting for new supply. Supply that’s fresh and new.
I thought I would never heal from the damage, but here I am years later…yes, it took years of being single. I’m so happy to be by myself. I’ve had dates, and anytime a guy wanted to get serious I took notice of his actions versus his words. I had to learn this in my 50’s???
I figure that even if my roof is caving in, the bull shitting guy is just gonna take the money I need to fix it. I may as well put a bucket under the drippy spot, and wait for help through Habitat for Humanity, or winning the lottery, rather than waiting on some guy. And, my roof only caved in while I was seeing a guy.
Since I’ve been single for years I’m getting stuff done! I am quite capable. How does that song go? I’m women hear me roar!
i read all these posts about not being with a guy or wanting to be. i can not imagine not liking men. its got nothing to do with loneliness. im rly not that lonely at all. i just like to talk to men and hang out, rly.
i dont think just doing things with female friends would do it for me either. its not that i want to get out and just do things. i like the company of a man. i would get dried up just me and the kids or me and some pets, once the kids are gone in 10 yrs or so.
i am sociable, yes. but like i said, i enjoy women but men fascinate me, even just as friends, not being bf/gf.
i have been terribly hurt by men, including my dad. then again ive been hurt my mom and other women too. maybe that keeps me balanced lol
Hanalei moon
Aren’t the lies out if this world? When I discovered nude photos of my soon to be ex on our home computer me asked him about them. His answer was “I like to have nude pictures of myself on the computer”. I believed this crazy lie until I found pictures of her. When confronted he said ” what’s so wrong with exchanging some bikini pictures”. Well it was more than bikini pictures and that’s just not normal between 2 co workers. I am still on shock sometimes about the lies he actually believed. But I was brainwashed and I wanted to believe this crap. Because he was the person I fully trusted and who promised me to never hurt me and cherish me as his wife.
It does hurt and it took me a long time to realize that he was an illusion.
Your ex is married again now. How sad for his wife. People get upset with me sometimes saying. “Well you could at least talk to him and be friends. After all he is the father of your son”. They just don’t get it. And it would take too long to explain so I just don’t answer. You can’t be friends with the devil.
Kaya, yes, that’s outrageous, but they expect us to accept it without question! I once found a receipt for a $200 dinner on a weeknight that detailed what was ordered and it was clear it was a date (I wasn’t even snooping, it was on top of his dresser when I was putting away his socks…sigh). This was a night I was warned in advance that he had an evening meeting so not to expect to hear from him. I immediately confronted him with it, and after an initial hilarious reaction of him running around the room like a cartoon, he simply refused to talk about it. Case closed. And because I was so brainwashed and addicted, I didn’t get in my car and drive away because it would have seemed as if I couldn’t handle a “real” relationship (his words).
This man promised to never hurt me too. Their sense of entitlement is truly astounding.
No, people don’t get it. Coming to that realization was a milestone in my healing. That’s why this place is a lifesaver.