UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Ironic
In four years if I shoot you will you shoot me too? Lolol
Janedoe
Absolutely! Well maybe not….I’m not a sociopath but I know someone that is 😉
Thank you Jane Doe
Yes, I can thank him for leaving the family. His abuse affected me physically after 20 plus years. I had physical symptons like panic attacks, extremely high blood pressure and my heart was racing.
I still remember the last time I was hospitalized and a cardiologist sat down and talked to me. He said “you really need to start thinking about your heart. You are 47 years old and I think you should stop worrying about this husband and start taking care of you , please leave this man.” He was right.
I was able to stop taking blood pressure medication and even in court I was calm.
No more panic attacks. No more fear and worrying about him cheating and leaving. Because he did all that already.
Kaya48
I was in a similar situation where all the stress led me to the hospital with a heart condition…racing heart that I couldn’t control and had to follow with a cardiologist. It was all due to stress of what mine was doing to my mind…lost lots of weight and wasn’t eating properly.
They not only do emotional damage they have to do physical damage to us as well?
F***ers!
HanaleiMoon
Again you have me laughing at the comment about his d***!!!
Little did mine know that when he was busy waving it around thinking he was exciting me I was really thinking “jeez is he serious? It ain’t so hot looking!” And I’m not kidding either lol
Hanalei and janedoe
Thanks for a good laugh. I am glad we can all get some humor out of all this. My ex was obsessed taking pictures of his private parts and then looking at them on his phone. Yuck.
They really miss the point as to what relationships and physical intimacy is about.
Kaya48
Yuck is right!!
He would take them with his phone and look at them??
Geesh, kaya, who would think of doing that? Just plain weird. Yuck is right!!
Hi sashastrong
I too thought how the heck does he keep it all straight…mine used to make me believe he spent his days doing schoolwork (he was doing online courses to get his masters degree) and he used to have a notepad to take notes and he wouldn’t let me touch it..I now am convinced because he had hidden crap in there just to keep everything about the women he stalked in order so he wouldn’t forget
I uncovered him from the get go Sasha but like a fool i stuck around because he was so
Conniving with his stories…how did I know different at the beginning
He used to be on computer so much and had so many social networks he belonged to that I went on his fb and noticed he had 700 female friends and a lot he was making sexual posts on their walls and I read them. When I approached him and said “I notice you have a lot of female contacts you speak with…” Within a day I had been blocked from his fb and he told
Me someone hacked his account…lie number one
From there it just escalated and I found more sites he’d been on and more women he had been promising visits to and telling them sexual crap until finally a year ago he met a much younger woman he claims “through work”, travelled there to do work and told me “I met someone and we solidified our love”. He’d only been gone a week and already in love? That work contract ended and he was back to his own country and told me it didn’t work with her and he and I continued our relationship and then a month ago he admitted to me he never lost contact and he is leaving to be with her and they were getting married…of course he said he didn’t know if it was right and blah blah. Promised we would be in contact and he still wanted me…haven’t heard from in since he left to her country almost three weeks ago…
Sweet man isn’t he?
Wow, so similar, mine was same with FB, his i think over 600, mine also followed some women. Like instead of a friend list they had a following, like a celebrity or socialite would. These women he didn’t know, yet I’d see him post inappropriate comments on their pics. Here’s a man in his 50’s making comments like, “wow, your so hot”, he didnt evennknow these women, that’s like a 16 yr old behavior? Freakin’ creepy.
Whoa, same guy maybe? Perhaps related or brothers? Because mine did the same when I asked about his comments, within an hour, I was blocked! See, I couldn’t find any of the dating site stuff because there’s no way he would use his name, I’m certain he used all sorts of different id’s and emails. Mine was a nutcase about the secrecy of everything, even now, he doesn’t want me to know anything of his life, covers his tracks tenfold! I thought they usually flaunt the other woman and such, but not mine, he tries to not only hide it all, but deny it also.
It really is enough to make yourself nuts trying to think like they would! I can only imagine all the stuff that I didn’t know about.
That’s crazy about him getting married! What do you think you would do if he did try to contact you? How heart wrenching, janedoe, but you really are doing so well. That dang story about you and the other woman had me rolling! It’s amazing how dumb they are sometimes…..uggghhh
Sasha
I too laugh when I think of that ordeal with the other woman…he only believed what he wanted to believe.
I have no idea why but he had so many of these online relationships with women I don’t know if he ever actually met them…they probably took off once he started telling them I love you, after meeting them
I don’t know what I’d do if he contacted me and not that I want him
To but he shd stick to his promises and contact me. Right at this moment I’m sickened and turned off but tmw I cld miss him…always changing.
I do enjoy getting on her and hearing everyone’s stories it just helps me know I’m not alone.
Do you think it is the same guy? Sounds mighty familiar…no?
AnnettePK
All the things you mention are therapeutic it’s just getting out of the original state to actually do all these things. Once we see these things really do help and make us somewhat forget for a moment it’s best to continue with what helps our minds forget. Normal and fun people are a must!
Sites like these I give credit to as well…thanks for sharing 🙂
Excellent point janedoe! Getting out of original state, so very true, I feel like I’m not out yet, but so want to be.
AnnettePK, tapes seem interesting, might be especially helpful for someone like me, who doesn’t sleep well to begin with. Are they actual stories?
Sashastrong
I’m not out either. I go through ups and downs throughout the day. This is fairly new to me and like AnnettePK said maybe a months time i will be better
How about yourself?
Janedoe,
Same here, the ups and downs as well. I’ll do really well for awhile, but then I falter at times and get so depressed. Just takes time, time will heal.
Here’s to one time in my life where I wish I could fast forward my life a bit! Lol
Sashastrong
You sound exactly like me
I have good days and bad ones and sometimes both in a day…today started out well and then the afternoon was kind of down…just thinking about it all and pissing myself off…ended up adding to my never ending email that I haven’t sent to him…about what a schmuck he is and how could he…etc
And for once in my life and the only time have I admitted I’m
Getting too old for this crap!
I think there is a sample of the guided relaxation on the website. There is a soothing music background, and the female voice guides the listener through some relaxation imagery, and then there are suggestions for easing the symptoms of and recovery from a pathological relationship. It’s about 45min to an hour long.
AnnettePK
you regret not sending the ones you didn’t send?
It’s a good point you mention that maybe I won’t feel like sending them when the one month is up but I would like to hear the stories he will tell me or he just may not answer at all
I’m just curious how he will react especially since as he was leaving he told me how I’m number one, will always be and it would kill him if he lost me…does someone who feels this way drop out of sight without a word to me?
I was always suspicious of his behavior and lies but it was those last words and promises that he said to me and not hearing again that it suddenly clicked “sociopath!”
No, sorry, too many confusing double negatives. I meant to say I never regretted not sending any. And I pretty much always regretted sending the ones I sent. In retrospect I wish I’d spent my time focused on my family and friends. My ex P was a waste of time.
I understand your curiosity. It may help you to move on if you get confirmation of his motives. You may already have all the information you need to know that you don’t want any kind of a future relationship with him, and that he doesn’t choose to be nor to give you anything you want.
My experience with the Psychopath prompted me to be analytical about the character of someone I would choose to be in a relationship with. I came up with stuff like truth, love, commitment, consistency, compassion, understanding, responsibility, heterosexuality; and my ex P was and did pretty much the opposite. Some victims make a list of positives and negatives about the relationship, which helps gain clarity.
Consider that your ex P may use your curiosity to hook you. Many of them put a lot of effort into keeping their victims engaged, and they don’t really care whether it’s negative or positive, they just want all the attention to be about them, and they want the power and control of getting and keeping our attention. Beyond that it has no meaning, so it’s a waste of time.
Also, what your ex does next will be whatever gets him what he wants. Understanding their motivations based on past behavior can help predict future behavior.
AnnettePK
ABSOLUTELY!!!
AnnettePK
You’re right about it all. I d rather focus on positive people than waste more time figuring him out
I am very curious as to why he’s done what he’s done…that being said, and because I have too much evidence of the way he is, I couldn’t take him back and that’s not what my goal is by writing him…it’s out of curiosity like you said
He could try to hook me but I have too much I could throw at him to prove he’s a nut job. I just want answers and to be proven correct as to what I believe he has gone ahead and done.
All you qualities in a relationship are 100% valid and god forbid us that we shd get it because its too much to ask it seems
Thanks annettePK
Hanalei
Yes isn’t that wierd. He would delete then after a few hours. But in that time he looked at the pictures and admired his “private parts “.
And “wow, you are so hot” he replied to the co workers nude pictures. He is 46 years old.
My son acts more nature than this man. And then he wonders why the son list all respect for him. Hello, he did this crap on the home computer. And his son studies computer engineering. How dumb they are. He did not even notice there was spyware on the computer. It gave me screenshots of the websites he was on, emails and all of it. And he still denied it.
Ironic
If you don’t mind me adding my opinion to your post I’d like to say I don’t know if reading the posts
On here prevent you from moving on…
You are getting opinions and advice and getting to see what’s out here in this crazy world and that you are not alone..
It makes you feel better and myself included because we can identify with what’s happening with everyone else even though each story is unique
Perhaps if you feel it’s stopping you maybe prolong when you get on the computer to read the posts from early morning to afternoon…I found that has helped because as I awake and think of contacting the schmoe and start getting busy with my morning, by afternoon when I read what’s on here all the thoughts slowly disappear as I start reading and listening to what others say.
If you really really want to move forward try at frat skipping a day of reading your exs reports because the less you know the less you think about it…kind of like out of sight out of mind…and pick up your book!!!
I’m in the same boat as you it seems and this is what works for me…hope I helped 🙂
Janedoe
I’m not ready to go it alone yet so I won’t be leaving LF anytime soon. It’s a reminder to stay strong and avoid all contact. I don’t trust myself yet to be able to not be sucked back into his lies…but thanks for your sincerity x
Ironic
Has there been any response back to him from her yet?
I can’t remember if you said how he met this girl? Does he know her personally?
Janedoe
I’d only be assuming she rejected him because the very next day he was messaging another one. He asked the first one to call him but I’m not monitoring his phone…the next one was asked to respond via email so I’ll see her response – I’ll keep you posted!
Ironic
I am assuming you will know because you’re watching what he receives and what he sends?
How exactly is that done without him knowing?
Janedoe
Spyware my dear or in my case, parental control software. Stupid spath should never have blamed the porn on my son who was underage at the time, it gave me all legal rights to monitor the activity on the computer…dumb “custard” he is – oops I fell for his charms so that would make me dumb too…
Ironic
I wouldn’t say you’re the dumb one since you were the one who found him doing wrong…you were one step ahead smart girl 😉
Janedoe
Thanks honey ♥ one day I hope to believe that about myself….