UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
ironic, I don’t know where to put this so I’m adding it as a new comment. At times, I’ve also been concerned that spending time here has kept me from moving on, or more specifically, sometimes triggers bad memories and thoughts. For that reason, I pay attention to how I feel, and if I start feeling over saturated, I take a break. I saw someone comment on this awhile back, it might have been Joyce, that we do reach a point where we have learned enough for now and it is best to take a break (paraphrasing to the best of my memory).
I did that with books too…I read so many about psychopathy that I reached a saturation point and realized further reading was only keeping the hell alive in my mind.
I just looked, and these comments are on an article that was posted on May 12. I haven’t read any other articles since, and have been keeping up with this conversation because it is so supportive and helpful. It’s been so helpful to me to realize I’m not in the boat alone with losing my home, my age, etc. and the sense of community is awesome.
I think you just have to listen to your inner self.
Hanaleimoom
Not sure if you’ve seen my recent response regarding this question but I’m not going anywhere yet. LF helps me stay focused on my plan. The P has too much influence over me still and until I learn to trust myself in all matters concerning him I need LF and you!
Don’t know when I’ll finally get it through my thick skull? I know he’s a spath but I knew that 3 years ago but stayed because he is such a convincing liar – that I need to control but I’m working on it, with all of your help and one day I’ll know when I’m at saturation point and ready to move on xxx
A question for those who know about spyware, no I’m using it on anyone, but it was used on me. I know it records everything i do on my computer, so I was wondering if any of this was saved anywhere? Like, could I ever see or have access to all that he was spying on over time? It has since been removed. Sorry, I know nothing about spyware!
To ANY of you,
How do you find if there is spyware on your computer? I looked at downloads, there is nothing. I have the top rated anti virus, and I change the anti virus every time there is a newer top rated one.
If you don’t mind spending $50 or so, you can contact (online) a vendor who will look at it for you. They will install (online) a program that will allow them to actually “see” all the components, and I’d imagine they could answer your spyware and other questions too.
Typically these vendors advertise their services in order to fix (as opposed to check) something but I’m sure they’d be happy to help you either way. Here’s one, for instance:
http://www.logonfixit.com/
Not, I am also assuming that if you simply google “do I have spyware on my computer?” there will be a relevant program that you can run.
I am not a computer expert, but I know a little. I believe it is often difficult to detect spyware. Even though I do some of my own computer software and hardware repairs, etc., if I suspected my computer had spyware I probably would not try to deal with it myself. I think I would stop using that computer, change all my passwords, and take it to an expert. I would probably take the data files off the hard drive, get a new hard drive (not that expensive), and reload all the programs and the cleaned up data files just in case.
Someone else probably knows more about this than I do.
Yes, spyware can be very difficult to detect because it can be masked as something that looks normal? Hmmm…. Kinda like all of our ex’s, imagine that! 😉
I didn’t know what to look for, so I had a professional tech remove
Yes, do change all passwords, but not until your sure spyware is removed, because like kaya and ironic stated, it records that too.
Sashastrong
Everything you type in or look at is recorded including emails and passwords.
Mine sends me a report via email every hour of computer use.
Notwahathesaidofme
You have to download an anti-spyware program to detect the software. My husband has, in the past, scanned using free scanners for spyware and removed it but he just thinks itsca program that has attached itself to his computer via the dodgy sites he’s looking at.
Sashastrong
Yes, if it was not deleted it can be kept in a folder for I guess years. It showed every website , email, screenshot, it basically records whatever you do on that computer.
When I used it on my home computer I periodically deleted some of it because the files got very large(he was nonstop online watching porn and looking at his cheating profiles ). But yes the program basically runs in the background without you knowing it and records. Usually it emails all the information to the administrator of the program. (The person who spies on the other person)
To me it was a valuable tool to confirm my suspicion.
When I discovered it, I didn’t know how to remove it so i just took it to the computer store and a tech removed it, I still have disc but I have no idea if there’s any saved folder? Would tech have deleted by removing it? I don’t know how to find this out. Plus it was some time ago. Reading about it on LF just reminded me of how he spied on me for so long and the thought just popped in my head, got my curiosity going as to what he was spying on.
Your smart kaya, I wish I could have thought of this, but my ex was so super slick and doing this kind of “behavior” for years so honestly, I couldn’t compete even if I wanted to. I feel so stupid and naive that I didn’t know about, especially him doing it for so long.
Trusting someone isn’t necessarily being stupid. It’s the default when interacting with someone who is trustworthy. He deliberately deceived you by lying by omission and commission in order to manipulate you into trusting him based on the information he gave you.
You did stop trusting him at some point; when you learned that he is not trustworthy. You were wise to do that.
I know, I tell myself I TRUSTED someone! Normal human emotions. I trusted my partner, who I thought loved me and was real. How can there be anything wrong with that, putting love and trust into someone. And on my best days, I really believe it, but those sad days, not so much. But time will heal, I know.
Hey ladies, I trusted my partner of 22 years was straight not gay! How’s that for feeling conned! Basic stuff you just expect!
Sashastrong
You’d usually have to pay each year to renew the program but you have to be on the computer you’d like to monitor to do it.
I’m not too convinced you’d be able to retrieve the information that was recorded? I doubt whether the domain has facilities to hold everyone’s information and that is why they email it to the person that buys it… if you have any passwords for email accounts from the path then you might find he’s kept the reports in that email account? I’ve kept 3 years worth but once this is completely over I’ll delete them all along with that email address.
Ironic,
Your probably right, plus this was awhile ago. There’s no chance of me knowing any of his passwords let alone email (s). I’m sure there were several aliases and accounts that I will never know. The more I think about it, it’s probably best i don’t start trying to dig up old wounds and trash.
Annette hit the nail on the head, whenever I do uncover something about him, it just sets me back and I literally find myself ” stewing” about it for days! It’s so hard sometimes!
I agree, it’s just best to delete it all when done. Wish we could delete them off the face of the earth as well!
Sashastrong
I wish I could delete him from my memory!
You and me both!
Sashastrong
I became suspicious when I noticed new apps on his phone that were code protected. One time he left his email open and I noticed an email that confirmed his so called “vault app” on his I phone. He used something like password “nude”. I ordered the spyware online , it was like 20$ , it installed within a few minutes. And that’s when I started monitoring. It was my home computer so it was legal, as parents sometimes look at what the kids visit online. I was in shock after he went online the next day. I printed out all the nasty pictures the co worker sent him. All the emails and any conversations. I waited probably 20 days before I confronted him. I asked him “did you take naked pictures of yourself?” He denied it. Well I had printed them. So I had enough proof.
You are not stupid, Sashastrong , only a computer expert would probably know these programs are running. You actually have to look for them in your computer files and even there they are disguised. Why would you question a program like called sspy within another program.
I am still glad that I had this confirmation. Because he tried to make me think I was crazy and imagining everything. So that was very satisfying for me and even now to know that I had to file for divorce , my only option.
See, with my ex, I NEVER saw his phone unless he was on it! He never, ever left it laying anywhere, no joke! He had it on his person at all times! He slept with it, took it in bathroom with him, everywhere! Nothing was ever left open either, so scary how well he covered his tracks with everything, he was like fort knox, or 007. Drove around with a safe in his vehicle, and not some small box one, like a floor safe, i couldnt even lift it. Talk about red flag, I can’t help it, it makes me sick of how stupid I was, how naive!
Last question, So when tech removed spyware, you think it was probably deleted as well? Thanks for your insight! 😉
Sashastrong
My spath never put his phone down either. When all the kids were living with us we had 1 computer only as we couldn’t afford individual ones. I got all possible passwords from the spyware on the home computer so I was able to load it on his password protected new laptop from the first day he left the house because I new what password he’d use. The phone – whole other story.
ironic, my ex’s OW was listed in his cell phone as “Friend.” My name was in there too, but in alphabetical order.
Nocontact
I never got hold of his phone for long enough to investigate the numbers…. It’s only just dawned on me that he has all those girls in his contacts list under code names – ouch…
Topically off-topic to most everything is this link to four minutes of Weird Al, singing One More Minute (“I’d rather….than spend one more minute with you”), thought you would enjoy it, cheap thrills.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWhpk-8QLFQ
It made me laugh! Here’s one for classic country fans: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw
I’m so glad, Annette! Thanks for the other, I’ll watch it.
Aw, the lovely old classic, thanks Annette.
Rofl
Kaya48
I agree! Without the spyware I’d still be in a crazy state of confusion and doubting myself – it truly saved my sanity.
Not
You will not find it under downloads, nor will a anti virus program pick it up. It’s disguised as an additional program that runs in the background. Only a computer expert will know what to look for. The spy programs are very sophisticated. My son studies computer engineering so he was a great expert helping me to install it and how to retrieve the information.
I do recommend it for confirming suspicion. I was discarded anyhow because he was caught and was not able to hide it secret life anymore.
I still view it as a saving my life. Since he is none of my concern anymore , my life is so much better.
Sasha strong
When the tech removed the program, from that time on no “spying” on you was possible. But all the data before the removal was archived somewhere.
My ex was the same , took that phone everywhere , slept with it, took it to the bathroom and only hesitantly let me look at it. But he “thought” he was so smart with his hidden apps. There are apps like kmys, the vault , tiger text and so on. Tiger text deleted everything they text or send within a few seconds after read. Photo bump was another one. I became an expert in that stuff. But you know what , I found one, he promised to delete it and the next day got a different version. It was a never ending struggle. And if there is no trust , there is no foundation in a marriage or relationship. It’s like a sandcastle built on sand ,easily to be destroyed. No solid foundation. I don’t miss those “spying” times, there was no peace anymore.
Not letting you have access to his phone is a big indicator of lying. My ex used to close out on websites when I came in the room, he had his internet history automatically deleted upon exit. If you have nothing to hide you would not do those things.
Kaya,
Could your spyware obtain his texts even when they were being instantly deleted by TigerText?
Thanks.
No my spyware was on the computer. To install spyware on a phone is very difficult , you have to “jail break” the phone and cannot easily be find without him noticing it. Tiger text is an app (purchased from the App Store) for I phones and other smart phones. It is very hidden on a phone. I was able to see what he was “doing/hiding” on the computer , phone is different. Even though everything is connected somehow.
The phones were in my name and I decided one day to look what apps were purchased. This is how I found the tiger text and the vault. Why are people inventing those Apps? To make cheating and lying more convenient ? How sad is that.
Kaya48
I have a question about spyware
If you want to install it on someone’s Laptop we must do it physically on the wacko’s laptop?
What would they think we are doing if we take their laptop?
Thn once it’s installed, do we need to go on their laptop each time to find incriminating emails, photos etc?
Ironic, here is also You Don’t Love Me Anymore, a ballad that I hope will help you sleep better tonight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWD5gdpt4Dw
Thanks nocontact. I’ll listen to it tonight along with the meditation link posted earlier ♥
ironic, the lyrics include the memorable line, “You pulled out my chest hairs with an old set of pliers,” so not sure how compatible with meditation it is, lol.
I’m just trying to make 100% sure you have a grin on your face at some point this evening. Rest well. 🙂
Nocontact
That line put a grin on my face 🙂
Jane doe
Yes you need to have access to the computer to install and to monitor. Putting it on someone else’s computer would be illegal and you cannot get the results.
For me it was very easy as he used our home computer. I kind of felt that I outsmarted him, especially since he is a cop. You can put it on a labtop, but it has to be yours and you have to be able to access it.
It was very valuable for me as it reinstated my suspicions. After all, I was not crazy or “mentally insane” as he claimed. He told me I was imagining things. I guess I was smarter than he thought.
You should have seen his face, when he came home one morning , after his deputy shift. I had printed out all his “nasty” pictures , and hers, and lined them up on the dining room table.
Of course I had made copies, as I knew he would rip them all up. What a dumb a…. I laugh about it now.
Kaya48
He obviously didn’t think you’d copied the pics while he was ripping them..what did he say when you showed him? Obviously he knew then you outsmarted him!! Did he know about spyware?
Haha, that’s awesome! I love how you just lined the pictures up on the dining table rather than throw them at him. Imagine if you set his dinner plate there also, he’d go to sit down to eat and he could admire all his little pics!! Hysterical! I so enjoyed that look on their face also when they discovered that WE actually caught them. Mine always had the combination look of anger… A) that he got busted, B) disbelief that I actually busted him because they hate that ( their control=their win, not ours)
Wow kaya, lining the pictures up on the dining room table – you are a warrior! I love it!
I can imagine he almost spontaneously combusted at that.
A few weeks later he was caught again in lies . He acted like going to work but went to her house. I discovered on pay stubs that he took paid time off . That’s when I was discarded. All that was the beginning of the end. After he did more evil deeds while living with her, I filed for divorce. I had it with him.
I feel the same way. I stay at peace because of the no contact. Any little contact before that resulted in drama and more blaming. There is no way to rationalize with them. After he left he still told his son it was because of me. His “mental illness” stuff was getting old. We knew the truth.
I am grateful for the minion to cross his path. Without her I would still be checking my spyware results, would get upset about his lies and porn. At first it was difficult but now I see it as a blessing.
Wow, deja vu here. Mine same thing, left the house with his work clothes on, but had taken a couple days off and was really headed to her house.
You are right on kaya, there is absolutely no way at all to rationalize with them. Their rules, their way, their win. If I was the one that acted like I was going to work but was really going to another man’s home, holy hell would break loose! Omg, can only imagine the punishment. But when they do it, mine says, it’s no big deal, your making too much out of it! Excuse me? Unreal!
Kaya,thank you so much for your strength, I sure hope I can get to where you are someday because I sure dont see it yet