To recover from the sociopath, first recognize the depth of your pain

Dear Everyone,

Something is so different today, that I want to send this post to memorialize it and “for what it’s worth” to the rest of you.

My pain is gone today.

I can’t explain it.

It actually began around 2001 when the x quit his longtime job and refused to get another, sighing in irritation whenever the subject was mentioned. It progressed through bankruptcy in 2005, the loss of my business, horses and community reputation, credit I’d been building since 21 and so on. Then his father died in 2009 and the pain level went up Up UP as he inherited money and cut the kids and me out of his life so he could grab as much as possible, letting our home go into foreclosure. At that point, he pronounced us “even.”

And, there is something worse that I have to share, please accept my apologies in advance for writing the words ahead.

It’s very hard to say this and it will be hard to read, so please take a breath before you read this, ok? (gulp) My ex’s OW was murdered and the perp of that crime is still undetermined.

Take another breath, ok? (gulp) Her 2YO grandson was murdered along with her. They were brutally stabbed in their apartment, earlier this year.

(breath)
Yes, I did call the police to report that my ex had a relationship with this person and that I thought he was disordered (but how often do they believe us?). She was actually living a very dysfunctional, distressed life — and any one of a number of people around her could evidently have been weird enough to commit this horrible crime. So please understand, I am not accusing my x of having murdered his Friend and grandbaby! but rather expressing the incredible trauma of having ANY association with such an event — not to mention his having told me (whether truthfully or otherwise) that her family supposedly thinks he did it. The police must not agree since he’s still right there in his apartment and the crime is now several months past and “growing cold” for lack of suspects.

Talk about wishing you’d bailed out a long time ago!! omg!!! the thoughts I have had, the feelings I’ve suffered….

Meanwhile of course, our kids have continued to see their dad while occasionally remarking that he is crazy. Have I been scared? Have I wondered … ? … imagined …? and occasionally believed the worst? My dear friends: I have.

Today my “heart pain” is gone for some totally unknown reason! it’s as though I have crossed some inner bridge that possibly a future neurological or biological test could detect within me. I’m not scared, I’m not especially angry, but most importantly I am not sad.

Somehow, I know it’s Over now. ?? Such a mysterious non-feeling that I had to share it on these pages.

I hope that you all know how important you are and have been to me, over these torturous last years! On many nights when I came home from work (the kids and I have had to work, but he’s rich so he gets to stay home to drink and watch porn movies instead) fellow posters have literally kept me alive by these exchanges of affection and support, health and wisdom, humor and grace.

God bless you all! xox and I’ll keep you posted as to “what in the world” has changed. The jangling of my spirit is quiet, like a ringing in the ears that has fallen silent — something has Gone. I’ve even tried to restore it, like touching a burn to set off the nerves, and it won’t relight! this is so unlike me that it bears mention, as in a roomfull of people without name tags you would instantly dub me “the insecure, sensitive one” and be right every time.

And tell you what: if this turns out to be what the yeast-inhibiting probiotics I’ve started taking are doing for me, I will be sending everyone a full 30-day supply, and the DV shelters will be emptied out and refilled as pet rescues in the same 30 days. 🙂

Annette, I’d like to add to your last post by saying that spaths are good at presenting the Lose/Lose proposition, for instance: live with me as a cheater, or go without. That’s one of the facets of traditional abuse: offering two choices that are both bad choices.

Annette, I really appreciate your thoughts and kindness, since my sister thinks I’m downright crazy to suspect him! while in contrast, everything I’ve seen about him and read on these pages has convinced me that nothing is too weird for him to do. Since it happened, I’ve been traumatized many times more than previously — since like everybody else, I’d harbored a sort of rage against her for being involved in the breakup of my marriage, then she died violently at only 50 years old (baby’s death too painful to contemplate).

It was all the “usual story” so I won’t bore you with the details — like an internet list of “how to know” tips! — new underwear, new mustache, new cellphone I couldn’t touch, late hours, the sniff of perfume, and once even calling me by the wrong name in bed. Maybe I’m in Denial to this extent, but I don’t think they were lovers in the usual sense, but instead that she was his next intended target (his imaginary lover, in other words) but already had an established bf of her own.
The crimes occurred in January and the police has announced it’s out of leads. The family has launched a website and CrimeStoppers has offered a paltry ($2000) reward. I think it’s possible the daughter did it, also possible the whole family was a group of drug-dealing thugs and may have ripped a customer (?) or supplier off. Many police calls to that place since they rented it shortly before the crime, and they’d been asked to split already (why would you call the police on your neighbors? because they were arguing loudly? or maybe openly dealing drugs in front of your place?!) Association with this level of behavior isn’t just sordid, it’s dangerous as you point out.

I think it’s possible that my X knows something or may be involved. First is my intuition! the way he told me, the things he said (“she was too stubborn”) and not said (“I wonder what happened?”) and his mannerisms overall.

For motive, I’d point out that he’s lost his 30yr marriage, family, home, many funds, job and reputation — and is living in a 1bd apartment that even we survivors would consider minimalist digs. I’d called just to leave a v/mail after daughter told me of the news report (“Gee, I heard about your friend, you must be shocked, I am very very sorry”) and when he called me back, he volunteered that she had a vicious mouth that might have provoked someone into hurting her.

Annette — within the first several months after someone’s death, I can’t imagine saying much in the way of a negative comment about them, especially under these circumstances. Even for a spath, that chilly reaction seemed awfully severe! — so I immediately contacted my local police, along with police in the county in which it occurred and the (third) county of his residence — to report my own experiences but also, his having many times told me that the poor woman was living in a dangerous environment with family members who “used her” and exposed her to harm. So just in case he didn’t tell them himself, in order to cover himself about whatever relationship he had w/them, you can bet I did!

One of our posters named herself Ironic. Get this: I am a longtime legal support worker, and much more comfortable using the judicial and law enforcement systems than most women in my circumstance — but I’m STILL sweating this out! What it must be like for people without my background, I can only imagine.

Thanks again, Annette, your support very much appreciated. And internet research confirms it: apparently our intestines really do have some effect on our emotions! Never had a GI problem that I knew of and could never have imagined this effect, but I actually DO feel calmer after eating capsules of (good for us) bacteria, lol.

Sasha, I agree with what you just wrote: it is not a “defeat” to grieve and it’s not a competition anyway, it’s a process.

Unless you know of some way to get from New York to California without crossing the Rockies, we simply must cross through the mountains at some point. While there, it does no good to pretend we’re someplace else, just to remember it’s a necessity en route to California.

Well, I suppose one could take the other way around the world! but that’s a long ocean transit, even worse than creeping up passes and mucking through valleys — my point being, it is better to feel grief now, than have it jump out unresolved and ready to strike, at some later time that might be even worse — like after your two front dental crowns pop off from eating taffy, lol.