UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
It sounds so familiar. Spending a night on the bathroom floor crying. I did the same while he was sleeping comfortably in the bed snoring. He was probably satisfied that he reduced me to a piece of “nothing ” once again. His favorite words “what the f* are you crying for, why do t you go upstairs and do your f*crying, so I don’t have to see it.”
Just today I was thinking “wow, I don’t miss this guy anymore , his angry face he got up with every morning, the tension throughout the day, hoping nothing goes wrong. Otherwise he would yell at me with his drill seargent voice that me shiver and have me heart racing and this pressure on my head.
I am so lucky I survived 20 years without having a stroke or heart attack. That’s what my doctor recently said to me. He is just so happy that I filed for divorce. He said “you were r walking time bomb, living with him, you could have easily died “. So true .
Crying for hours on the bathroom floor ……that was me. Thanks for the reminder. I can have joy that he is gone.
Thanks ironic
I can see a big difference in me since the discard and especially since going through divorce proceedings. I find myself capable of things I never thought I could do. In reality I am much stronger than when I was with him. Back then I questioned myself, my actions, my Looks, how other perveived me. It was a constant struggle.now I am much more relaxed and even socially I don’t have to worry if I “act” right for him. He used to tell me “I can’t take your places or meet co workers , you are too fat, you are too old and look at your hair, how short it is ” . The truth was he went to places with her or other women. It had absolutely nothing to do with me, ever. It did that for 20 plus years. So now that I am free if him, I am at peace. Thank you so much for all my friends here who listened for over 15 months. I was truly a mess last year and I came very far. Every day without him is a blessing for me and therefore a “happy” day and I would not care if he fell of the earth. I thought I would never say that about the father of my only child. But it’s the truth.
Kaya48
Oh yes! Yes yes yes!!! I’m an embarrassment, I’d get…grr!!! I took my whole persona as a problem, even convinced myself I had bad breath because of the lack of intimacy – thank god for the light!
Thanks jm
Yes I used to take it as a personal attack. Big not anylonger. I learned that the ex is a weak coward. He justified his actions by attacking and criticizing me. My counsellor explained of to me that it’s what they do. They can live an “easier” life if they blame and accuse. Then it’s not on them anymore. Otherwise they would think they are a failure. The no contact is my life saver. And I learned that on this website here.
No contact
Thank you for complimenting me on my great telationship with my 19 year old son. You said your daughters don’t like to bring up the subject of the spath. My son is just the opposite. It was always my goal to raise my son to become the total opposite of his father. I think what my advantage was, that the first 13 years of his life , it was mostly my son and I. My ex was usually deployed far away with the us army and parental duties fell on me. I was the biggest influence in his life along with great friends and neighbors, good schools and being involved in church. When my ex was home he was busy watching his porn and who knows what. I shielded my son from that. Of course when he was 17 he found out about the betrayals. He decided that a father would not do evil deeds, like putting restraining orders, closing bank accounts , taking mistresses on cruises, and so on. My son never saw his father as a role model or “hero”. They got along but there was no real love. My ex tried to teach my son to be army tough. It did not work. Instead he is a smart college student, he has compassion and empathy for others, he is caring and optimistic about life. I guess he learned those qualities from me.
He has no contact with his father in 15/16 months. When the ex left my son told him “don’t ever come back here, you just lost the privilege of having this family .”
Some people don’t understand and say “he is still his father “. But those are the ones who know the ex with his mask on. They don’t know how he was behind closed doors.
My counsellor said my son will be fine. He is an adult and can make own decisions. We both actually enjoy the peace now , we have our routine and our daily life.
There will be college graduation, maybe marriage, maybe grandchildren. My son says the ex will never be a part of it because he is evil.
I hope your daughters will eventually see the truth. Until then you can just be there for them.
Kaya48
Your son sounds magnificent and it sounds as though he’s perfectly fine with you as his mother and his sole influence
You’ve done a wonderful job! Be proud because he is what you instilled in him 🙂
It sounds like your son has learned to be a man despite his biological father. Perhaps you did a good job of keeping your dignity and remaining a woman through your spath experience. I neglected (was manipulated to do so, but I could have chosen differently if I’d seen the big picture or just plain trusted God and done right rather than taking matters into my own hands many times) my son and it hurt our relationship a lot. Recovery is going very slowly. Son was targeted by the ex P, who love bombed him to get to me. He acted the part of the father figure my son never had (I was widowed before son was born), son looked up to P, and P brutally insulted him, crushed him and cruely abandoned him. It was heart breaking. At the same time son was watching his mom go to pieces. Son’s life was secure, peaceful and full of love before spath destroyed the family.
I went to my son and asked for forgiveness, and I am blessed that he did choose to forgive me. He is wounded though, and finding it difficult to be a man – no one to show him how and no father figure to accept him and encourage him as a man. I perceive a big hole in his soul.
Just wanted to check in to me LF friends..i have not been on here for about a week. My mom fell ill and has been in the hospital. Lots I need to post about the spath I will write soon to you all..i miss your advice!
Taralev
Glad to hear you are ok. Sorry about your mom being sick. We here on LF were very worried about you.
The comment about being sensitive. I too feel the same way. I get nervous when critized. And every little mistake I make at work I get sooooo worried about. I guess it’s what I am used to. He constantly critized me and corrected me and the end result was a discard. So in my head there is always this worry . I might get fired if I don’t straighten out. Its absolutely horrific what they have done with our “thinking “. It is getting better but I am still working on it. Well it’s good to know I not the only one. This is why I love this website. It is like we all had the same husband/boyfriend/fiancé.
We miss you. Thank you for taking the time to say hello. Prayers for your Mom’s health, and for you.
I suffer from being over sensitive too, I get very stressed if I think someone might be angry with me or disapproves of me, I think it is a remnant from getting “in trouble” with him. I run into ways he messed with my thinking all the time, and I have to consciously take a minute to analyze what I am thinking and adjust. I’m sure there are many things I’m not even aware of. It’s truly scary.
Lately, I have noticed that my capacity to handle stress is greatly reduced. I overreact to things that I would have taken in stride before. I think this may be some ptsd or being hyper-villigant, I am overly concerned with things being calm, and being able to feel safe.
Gosh this sounds like I’m a basket case.
I lost a great job opp a few yrs ago due to ptsd i believe. I could not memorize the 10 PAGE script needed due to extreme memory issues…ptsd…and everything hinged on that and following protocol exactly–which i cudnt remember. I was so nervous with clients i’d bomb it almost. I quit 1/2 way thru the training.
I have NEVER EVER not been able to do ANYTHING I wanted in my WHOLE life.
I ended up recruiting for the job opp itself as I still believed it was a great opp –till the narc just made it impossible to do that kind of work…work from home, be on phone any time as potential applicants called back, very competitive within the company. I cudnt cope with him and the job anymore.
I thank the spath for me not being able to cope as I wasnt with the narc when i started the original position in sales.
It’s not that im traumatized specifically cuz he was a jerk to me personally and made me feel inept. no way. its the TRAUMA of knowing the fool and the reprecussions of that that make my brain not function. I had a photographic memory at one point.
Hanalei
I’ve only just realised my over sensitivity. Annette just make me aware of it but I also realised that I’ve got my “spath” radar switched on! Was the first thing I thought after her comment – is sheca sociopath? Did I attract another one? I’m glad I posted that event yesterday, so I can stop myself from reacting next time…maybe…
Kaya
This website has been so valuable to me that I couldn’t begin to explain just how grateful I am. The constant reminder that I’m not alone in this craziness. The loss of my identity but a reminder of who I used to be and that, with time, I can become her again.
So so worth finding my new LF family ♥
If you want to hear a biological rationale for the addiction to the disordered person listen to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg7DtfY8BCklist=PLeoxHYnKu6R7YdWwyRqhz1bmUU5t_tBbB&index=2
(copy it all on one line)
very informative
Greetings, LF friends….I just moved and was offline for several weeks. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I have been thinking of all of you. I hope you are all well and celebrating more time logged of no contact.
The moving process has been extremely stressful. I was hit with a few surprises after I moved, like a big assessment from the HOA, a noisy neighbor I had to call Security on, and not enough storage space for my stuff. The biggest surprise was how much I miss my old place. Even though I had numerous problems there that I don’t have here, it was my home for 11 years. I miss it terribly. I also was going through some boxes and found my mother’s old photographs that she saved over the years – from her estate. I looked through them, and a wave of grief for my mom and my lost youth overcame me. So I’ve been very heavy-hearted lately. The hardest part is not trying to pretend to be cheery when I’m not. I’m just allowing myself to be. Grieving is over when it’s over. I am still overwhelmed with things to do – repairs and remodels, and lots of other stuff. If I do not get attached to this place like I did with the other one, I will fix it up and sell it next spring and hope to break even. Then I will plan a move out of the country as I originally wanted but was too scared to consider.
I had a few more setbacks – one was running into the salsa guy and woman who broke my heart last year. I saw them for the first time in almost a year at a salsa club recently and it really hit me like a brick. So much to process right now.
Fortunately, I’m still dancing in spite of all the setbacks. I’m still an assistant teacher and thinking about teaching an intro salsa course by myself. I’ll see how my life progresses in the next several months.
I really hope you are all well and wouldn’t mind hearing updates on this thread – especially if I missed any significant events.
Hugs,
Star
Ironic
I feel the same way. Going through this tough divorce took most of my strength. I was in counseling at first , but this website was much more valuable to me than talking to the counsellor for an hour. Because everyone here was in a similar or same situation. Like my counsellor never suggested no contact. I learned that from this site. Once I started no contact the “fog” slowly lifted , a little more each day. Even my lawyer saw big improvement in me. Instead of sitting in his office and crying, I was strong and calm and put together. Like ready for an important business deal . I could have not done it without all my friends here on LF.
Kaya
I’m hoping to be where you are very soon, treating it like a business transaction without emotional involvement.
I’m back to work today after a week off. I’ve slept so well in this past week that I’m ready for it – goes to show how much negative energy I was subjected to each night in my marriage….