UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Ironic
It was my lawyers suggestion. He was very direct and aggressive. He said “you quit your crying and I can help you. If you put all emotions into this divorce we will get a worse outcome. ” and I listened to him. No communication with the ex,I let my lawyer handle it. It was outrageously expensive. Every email, every letter , every motion, every call cost me a fortune. But I was able to keep my sanity , that’s priceless. Had I talked in any way to the ex, there would have been more blaming and crazy making. And I definitely had plenty of that in the 20 plus years. As I detached myself from the marriage and my married life , I was able to use my brain to think and not my heart. I needed to be as cold and unemotional as possible. The crying I kept for the drive back from court. The ex did not see one tear on my face in court. Like a robot. My lawyer often said to me “I am so proud of you”. Wow it was like the best compliment I ever got. I finally stood up to the ex. His military or cop status did not intimidate me anymore.
You will get there ironic. Are you filing for divorce? You know all divorces are emotional exhausting and draining. Divorcing a sociopath is like battling the worst enemy you ever had.
You mentioned sleeping. I have never slept as good as now. It’s like I can finally relax and stay calm. Crying, my daily ritual with him, gone. Worrying about him lying and cheating, gone. Walking on eggshells, all gone. I couldn’t ask for more. 🙂
Kaya
I’m taking your solicitors advice too – cold as concrete! I’d stopped crying in front of my spath years ago because I knew it meant nothing to him and his reaction was never the way I wanted anyway…
I’m off to out caveats on all assets next week so he can’t use them to raise bail nor secure a barrister to fight his case, this should prompt a quick settlement from him as he be stuck in jail tilni lift the caveats *evil belly laugh I’m doing!
That idiot should never have let me get to clarity! If he’d let me go 6 years ago when I became suspicious of his other life but knew very little, I’d be still taking the blame – now I’m not
Ironic
You would think they would think they are being watched to begin with. If that were me and I was a sociopath is be paranoid…but then I’m a normal minded person who knows how they
They think they outsmart everyone anyway .
Janedoe
He’s to arrogant to be paranoid and remember that any Is ATTENTION to them so they are only thinking they are receiving praise and admire.
(Funny that the word worship came up in auto suggestions and I thought yep that’s what they expect)
Ironic
You’re a sweety 🙂
And you’re my heroine! (Female hero not the drug!!) 😉
Janedoe
You are helping me heal with your kind words. I’m starting to feel taller, almost bullet proof and determined to win – it is my turn to show that spath why he should never have let me get to clarity – big HUGE mistake he made. When I have total clarity I’m no longer emotionally involved, I have the ability to shut that down (learned response from childhood beatings…) now he’ll feel the full force of the law and it will be only a process to me. I’m no one’s doormat!
Ironic
I sometimes feel that my position isn’t at all comparable to most everyone here..people have been to court, divorced, physically and verbally abused, different types of sexuality and mine is lying to me and going behind my back. My little problem feels unworthy of discussing when I see the real problems everyone has had. I am glad my kind words are helpful to you 🙂
Janedoe
Sometimes my spath doesn’t relate to some of the actions others speak of either – yes he moved on immediately so I’m getting the discard part but he’s not looking at porn anymore, although his computer is switched on for hours but no activity is showing and he’s not stalking me? I thought they stalked but it is early days?… I should be grateful he’s moved on but I do question it sometimes.
Ironic
And he has spyware? Do you think he figured it out?
Janedoe
If he’d figured it out then he would of removed it but I’m still getting reports of downloaded music and tv series he’s watching – I just think he’s found a way to use the tv to surf for porn…or he really is getting sex elsewhere and daiky if he’s not looking at porn?
Ironic-
I have a favorite saying with the female population on my tennis courts, (I’m an instructor):
“You show’em girls are tough!”
Rock on!
Joyce
Ironic
Good for you. I found that blaming someone in court is not as easy as he was used to. All of his stupid talk did not work in court. The judge and the lawyers do not tolerate this crap. That is why it is so important not to communicate during divorce proceedings. I honestly don’t know how people do it who share minor children. I remained ice cold. I had a few cries after court but never in court. I did not give him the sarisfaction to see me cry. I know my tears were pure enjoyment for him, so I kept myself very calm and put together.
When he was out if words sometimes , I laughed to myself inside of me. Finally he was the one reduced to “nothing “. After 20 years it was a little victory for me. I am a very compassionate person but I absolutely have no empathy for this evil guy.
Kaya
This is gold for me. He will never be able to reduce me to tears in front of him either.
I’d also been thinking that the courts will recognise him to be a pathological lying sociopath because he’ll also have 2 child sex offenses to fight at the same time.
I’m also glad we didn’t have any children together.
It is unlikely that he would stop using porn (for any length of time over a few days) because he’s getting live sexual activity. That kind of makes sense to a normal person, but I doubt that spaths don’t think that way.
Could he have been charged as a result of the investigation? Or could he have become aware of the investigation? Those are more likely reasons to stop or to use in a way that you aren’t monitoring.
Annette
I thought it was impossible for him to stop viewing it too but there have always been these strange cords that appeared out if nowhere and lead to nothing that would suggest he’s viewing live through the tv by using the Internet from the computer but the spy ware isn’t monitoring the tv – that would explain why the computer is on for hours with little to no activity yet uts gone into a search engine…
Annette
I thought it was impossible for him to stop viewing it too but there have always been these strange cords that appeared out if nowhere and lead to nothing that would suggest he’s viewing live through the tv by using the Internet from the computer but the spy ware isn’t monitoring the tv – that would explain why the computer is on for hours with little to no activity yet its gone into a search engine…
I think they might stop a behavior temporarily, but almost always revert back to it, because they’re not committed to stopping a bad behavior for any of the right reasons. If they do stop, it’s not because they are overcoming an addiction or that they realize the harm they are doing (they already understand the harm, they just don’t care) and stop. If he stopped because he’s temporarily distracted by live sexual activity, then he’ll go back to porn when it suits him. He will get bored with anything and anyone eventually.
Whatever the reason he paused using porn that you’re aware of, it’s certainly not because he’s committed to changing his character for the good of himself and others he affects.
It’s freaky to me that these men all act so similarly, almost like they have the same rule book. But to try to read into, or predict their behavior is futile. I know I used to pick up on signs and work to figure them out, and when they seemed to disappear, I’d breathe a sigh of relief. It meant nothing. He had so much going on that I had no idea about…I couldn’t even have dreamed that s##t up. I lived it, so I believe it but before that, I wouldn’t have believed it if someone told me about it.
He might have a different computer you don’t know about. He might have a tablet. He might whatever. We get to this point that when he’s not doing what we think he might be doing we wonder why he’s not doing it or what else he might be doing instead. It’s INSANE. The answer is to focus on yourself, ironic.
H Moon,
You make a good point that it’s a waste of energy and sanity to try to figure them out; and a real win when we forget about them and focus on ourselves and others who appreciate us. I started to make real progress in getting out of my spath situation when I made a conscious effort to resist my ex P’s manipulations trying to get me to focus on him only, and turned my attentions to my son and my friends. It took a lot of effort to resist the spath pull and button pushing, but it was a turning point.
Sometimes it is in the victim’s best interest to predict the spath’s behavior, for safety of self or children, or to protect rights to assets, or whatever. I was able to better predict my ex P’s behavior when I finally was able to realize his motivations and that he does not think, feel, change nor grow. I think of him as a non human being more like an animal with negative instincts, or a demon who is out to exploit me and anyone else he can. I remind myself of what motivates him –
This is difficult to do, because spaths masquerade as humans and we naturally view them through the lens of our expectations and how we would think, feel, choose and act. It took me a very long time to get beyond the expectation and hope that my ex P would change, because who would want to be doing what he’s doing? I think of the sign on the door in Dante’s Inferno, “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” Nothing more depressing than to have no hope.
We can live months without food, remarkably so. We can live even days without water, suffering but alive.
But we can only live a few SECONDS without hope and that is when ppl actually suicide.
Without hope, really deep down inside no hope, life is utterly unbearable. So much so, that we can not go on a moment longer when we truly feel that loss of all hope.
Hope is the lifeforce itself.
And I often think of that when I’m so tired, so overwhelmed and defeated all throughout my life at different periods–not wanting to die per se, but not wanting to live anymore. My mom suicided at 34yo. She had also tried several times before succeeding. I think of how a person could run out of hope.
And how bleak that would be as I’ve been so close to that myself but yet never quite there. I’d still never want anyone to feel what I’ve felt at those times.
Horrid to not have HOPE.
Ain’t, That is such a good description; thanks for sharing your thoughts. You reminded me of one of the worst feelings I experienced: after my (good and normal) husband died, for a short time I at times felt like I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t want to die either. It was truly an utterly hopeless attitude as I had nothing to look forward to. I remember thinking that I would feel better if I at least wanted to die, at least I’d have something to look forward to. Thankfully, it didn’t last long.
Annette and Hanalei
I met up with the spath yesterday to discuss the value and distribution of assets. I did it because I felt strong enough to face him and I was right. Several times during our conversation, I blindsided him with little bits of knowledge (only enough and only what I was prepared to share to throw him off suspecting I knew more) he became agitated and couldn’t speak properly – I watched him squirm trying to find the right thing to respond with, it was very educational and I now know how to win in court.
The thing he has always done and yesterday was no exception, was to give himself up subconsciously…
I told him that I knew he’d moved on after he said he expected things to sort themselves out and id come running back to him – ummm hello! Not!!! I told him to change his password on fb as I had no need to watch what he was doing anymore. He responded with knowing that I’d been on his profile but learning how to SECURE HIS COMPUTER USE. This tells me that he’s linked into the tv to watch porn from the net.
I’ve reached saturation point so this is only a worry for the investigators….I have a one track mind now and securing my share of the assets before he uses them to fight his court cases are if the utmost importance – end if our story!
Ironic,
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you were strong and able to keep it together around the ex. I never could do so, I can never have contact with my ex without losing it, letting him push my buttons, and feeling awful for a week afterwards.
Did you meet in a public place, did you record the conversation or bring a witness? Will you have to meet him again, or can you choose to have him speak to your attorney instead? Was this the first time you interacted with him after leaving? I recall you were originally resolute to be done with him and to deal with him through your attorney when you left. Did he do or say something to get you to meet with him? Consider weighing the pros aand cons of interacting with your ex. Only you can assess what is best, but consider that if there isn’t a lot to be gained and if there is a way to avoid interacting, it may not be worth the risk. There may be unforeseen negative consequences; interacting with a spath almost always is detrimental; no good generally comes from it. I hope that this interaction will work out well for you, that it is the exception
Consider being extra careful about your safety. If he feels cornered and he senses your strength and your resolution to ‘win’ and he feels like things would be better for him if you didn’t exist, there are no limits except opportunity and ability to get away with it to what he might do. It is statistically the most dangerous time for a woman right after she leaves her abuser and it sounds like your ex has a lot to lose. Have you done the danger assessment here: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ It could be helpful to you.
A minister at our church had some good advice when he said it’s best not to go ‘head to head’ against the devil. Best to engage the ex as little as possible.
Annette
Yes, I finally gave into the persistent phone calls and text messages. I knew I’d be strong enough to avoid his manipulative ways and that there is nothing he can say to undermine my clarity. Yesterday, sadly, was as much about me playing the game as it was for him. Again, sadly I’ve had to become him (in a sense) to win this war…I need him to agree to having the properties valued and he’s in one of them. It was productive as in he’s agreed to give me both houses if I leave his super alone – we’ll wait and see….
Other than a follow up with suggestions on why we should sell one property now and separate all assets, I’m not going to continue after this last message.
I did the mosaic test before I moved out and it came back as an 8/10 chance of harm. I’m aware of his capabilities and I’m on guard but after yesterday he just thinks I’m easily swayed to his way of thinking…he still thinks his words have power…
Ironic,
Thanks for sharing. 8 out of 10 is potentially pretty dangerous. Please be careful…
It sounds like you have a handle on the situation, nevertheless spaths can be amazingly and unexpectedly cunning. This news item is the story of a woman who agreed to meet with her ex about getting back together and he tried to murder her by pushing her off a cliff. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/man-convicted-throwing-wife-cliff-4m-fortune-article-1.1875046
I went many rounds with my ex P before getting out of the game. It’s a process getting out and getting clarity. You are doing so well. Your situation has all that investigation and court stuff going on that takes time to resolve. Until all is done and settled (hopefully and prayerfully soon) you really aren’t free to put it behind you.
Annette
It’s not over but I can’t keep living it every moment of every day…
My solicitors and the investigators have been told that he’s their problem now and I’ll stay alert but I’ll be climbing up trees and paddle boarding kajes while I’m doing it – lol
Dear Ironic,
Warning!! 🙂
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/southamerica/argentina/10985233/Whale-lifts-kayakers-out-of-water.html
Love to all, sorry have been way busy and just able to do this hit-n-run — but had to send ironic that kayaking video, everybody should take a look.
No Contact, Great video thanks for sharing. I hope to do some kayaking later this summer if my chronic Lyme allows it, but there aren’t whales where I’m going!
Right, Annette! — but I gather from the alarmed tones of voice that those other people are saying the same thing. 🙂
Just kidding, have a wonderful time, both of you.
NoContact, OMG! I am someone who would spend every day snorkeling, I would LOVE to have that kind of experience with whales! I’d pee my pants giggling!!
Hanalei, I’d be right there beside you! which is why my daughter supplied the link to me, along with the headline of her email: “Don’t have to speak the language.” That’s it, right?! What an incredible experience (but the dude seems a little freaked out). 🙂
NoContact, either he’s losing it or he’s very excited…not sure. I volunteer at a museum that has an imax theater and I’ve seen Journey to the South Pacific at least a dozen times at this point…I was born to be underwater.
Thanks for the tip, Hanalei, I will look up the film! I’ve traveled in order to pet grey whales in the Baja but live in the mtns so my volunteer duties are at the local horse rescue.
Hey, we have to be healthy enough to attract these predators, right? why would they go for a sick host? We’re the ones they want and need, strong enough to carry them to the next port, part of the unconscious selection process is to discard the weak and we’re Not. Maybe this is part of the reason we tend to become weaker, it’s an instinctive form of defense against further predation, a method of poisoning the well.
To all my friends here on LF. As of today I officially divorced as the judge just issued the final judgement. I made it and I have my life back. Thank you all for the support and advise.
Kaya48
Huge congratulations to you! I hope you have a personal special celebration planned for your wonderful milestone.
Isn’t it strange how divorce from a sociopath is such a victory? I was encouraging a local friend to read Lovefraud and telling her the same thing, that I had thought my divorce was going to be merely a piece of paper but instead, it was a giant load off my soul, it was a PEACE of MIND paper. It didn’t stop him from being a sociopath but it stopped him from certain controlling behaviors and embroiling me in any more financial frauds. I got my life back.
Just noting, it’s a weird feeling, a great feeling, and am SO happy for you.
Kaya
Congratulations honey now it is your turn to shine! ★★★★★
This is wonderful news !! Congratulations – so proud of you for staying calm while he was looking like the idiot he is. Every victory like yours makes all of us stronger – thanks so much for sharing your journey – all of it. Very Best Wishes and thank you for all the support you give here as well.
OMG kaya!!! ****CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!******
Congratulations kaya!! What a milestone!! Happy day!! I’m so happy for you!
Thank you everyone. For me it was a huge accomplishment and I never regretted it one second. For me it was the only choice I had. After the nude picture discovery I was so done with him, but have him another chance (which I totally regret ). He continued his cheating and lying despite “attending ” marriage counseling and then he discarded his family. And me filing for divorce was the ultimate consequence.
I now know that I am worth so much more than being a part of his dark world.
I hope my story can give someone here the hope and confirmation they need. It wasn’t easy but so well worth it.
And yes, this huge weight just fell of me 🙂
Wonderful news kaya! You deserve this and so much more. Your strength is both admirable and inspiring. I’m so happy for you!
Kaya
This is wonderful news
I may have joined this conversation and missed completely what had happened to you. Cld you describe it again in a nutshell if you don’t mind? You mention lying, cheating and nude photos…
Jane doe
I will try To summarize my story into a short one :
Married over 20 years to a sociopath/narcissist. 1 child, my son who is now 19. Caught him in 2012 exchanging nude pics with a 20 something cop co worker (same overnight shift). He was then 45. He was lying and lying. Promised me it was a mistake. I gave him another chance (yuck). I caught him again early 2013 , this time he was very sloppy and my spyware showed he was still engaging in an affair with her or other minions there at work. He had profiles on cheating websites, was addicted to porn and was just a very mean person. Very emotionally abusive. When I showed him the proof, we got into an argument. He said I was mentally ill, called his cop buddies and tried to send me to a mental institution. Told his son it would be fir the better if I was locked away. When this did not go through he left us. Changed all bank accounts and moved out. When I emailed him about bills he put a restraining order against me. I hired an aggressive lawyer, got all dismissed and filed for divorce. I was done. He was cheating and lying and trying to destroy me. Did not succeed. I came out great in the divorce. I was awarded permanent alimony and retirement plans. 🙂 no contact since about 14 months. And yes of yesterday divorced. 🙂
kaya48.
you forgot the last line: now able to pursue living happily ever after. (or some such on the same line…)
Kaya48
Funny he would claim that you’re the one mentally ill when he had all the problems and there was proof..now who would believe his story?he was obviously embarrassed that you caught him…
Kaya 48
Had this Been your first issue with him that made you aware or did you go through this or years? Was it only the 20 year old he’d been caught doing this sort of thing with?
Jane doe
I am sure there were many others. He was often deployed and there were many female soldiers. Looking back now , what I believed then, was just crazy. This time he got caught because he got sloppy. It was probably very exhausting handling a family , a demanding job, his mistress or mistresses and then on top if it hiding it all. I laughs about it now because the lies were so ridiculous. He also lied to his son.
Like I said there are ways to end marriages but to do all these evil acts is just unacceptable.
Yes he honestly thought people and even the court believed I was mentally ill. Ally lawyer had to do was mention the mistress and he took back some attacks on me. It took over a year but I remained strong. I was done with his lying and cheating and then accusing me of being a “crazy b*.
I will remain no contact and therefore blocked him for thereby of my life. If anything comes up I will retain my attorney again to respond. The attorney sure does not take his crap. If it costs me a fortune again, that’s ok.
And yes, I did forget , “live happily ever after “. Can only get better.
kaya, I especially like that you say if anything comes up you will retain your attorney again to respond. I too think that that is the only way to proceed, and it bears emphasizing. First, it’s best for our own mental health, but I believe that we are always at risk with these men, once we have this history with them.
I’m sure this year+ has been really tough but you stood strong and handled it so well! It’s amazing what we are capable of when we commit ourselves to it! You are awesome! Now comes the commitment to live happily after after.
Kaya
So strong of you to do what you’ve done. Good for you…you yourself know that you’ve overcome a huge obstacle and shd be very proud that you’ve proven to yourself that you did it! God gives us these issues to see our strengths and you proved to him you’re a mighty strong a good woman and mother
Mine too was deployed and as far as I know it’s not the woman surrounding him there that got him into trouble. It’s because of the lack of anything better to do, that he became addicted to looking up woman on fb and other sites, making promises to a lot of them that after deployment he was going straight to see them. He and I started right before his deployment and was coming here directly after his six month contract there..so when I found these sites he had been on making promises to many others, something in my mind started becoming very suspicious…but in the end he did come to be with me and we continued our relationship with long distance visits and communication very frequently but in between I caught many many other sites he’d been on making promises to women and he was under a different name, not his real one. So that’s how my love story goes and despite the constant lies and seeing I don’t know how many others, I’m trying to overcome all of this…still trying to decide was it just fooling around to pass the time for him with the other woman or did he truly love me. Although at this point he is getting married this wkd to one of them…but claims to still love me and not sure of himself…sometimes I think he is too nice
Of a person to want to hurt me, so he makes up excuses for all I’ve caught him doing and I forgive him…the other side of
The coin says he is a sociopath and a habitual lying snake and he is holding on to me for what, I do not know. It’s a learning process as well as a healing process at the same time
I am happy for your outcome and wish you much happiness with your son 🙂
I emphasize with your confusion – I was incredibly confused about my ex P’s behavior for years. My ex did a lot of things to keep me confused and to keep dangling me, to keep my attention on him.
Something that helped me was knowing that I did not have the bad feelings, the fights, the lies, the abuse, in my first marriage, because my husband made different choices and wanted different things than the Psychopath ‘husband.’
It is very difficult to get clarity, and the emotions are painful because the spaths do things that are generally understood to be wrong. Lying and cheating are wrong because these choices hurt people.
You might consider first listing only the things your ex did, not what he said. Then you compare what he said to what he does. What does the disparity say about his commitment to honesty, to keeping his word, and about what he wants. He is probably doing what he wants to do, unless someone or someone is forcing him to do otherwise. (My ex P constantly said that he didn’t really want to do what he was doing, so that I would continue to expect him to change and stop lying and abusing.)
You might also consider that it may not be worth the trouble to you to determine what your ex is really about, what his intentions were and are. Sadly, he made you feel bad, he lied to you, he is at least fickle if not deceptive. No matter what the details are, he’s not good to you, he’s not good for you, he doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer and your good feelings for him, and he doesn’t choose to act in ways that respect you and contribute to your well being.
Consider this wisdom: If he makes you feel bad, he’s bad for you, get rid of him. One lie could be a mistake, twice could be a misunderstanding, three times is a chosen pattern of behavior.
It sucks, but there are evil people out there.
AnnettePK
I’m reading this and tears are Filling my eyes. It’s almost as reading what I think but you are
Saying it to me
I know what he’s done is wrong and I know he’s lied but I keep getting that nagging feeling that he doesn’t know right from
Wrong and he’s not aware what he’s doing is hurting me. I’ve told him over and over and have given him more than many chances to end things with me yet he claims he can’t, despite getting married! What the heck is he thinking and why am I falling for it? I try and try to find anything I can hold on to so I can hate him..it works
For about three minutes then I’m back to missing him.
You knew right from wrong because you had comparison. Although I lacked many things from my last relationship, this one makes up for what I didn’t have jn some ways…but I’ve never had a liar and a cheater either
Your last paragraph is particularly inspiring…I will copy and paste it and carry it around to kick myself back to reality 🙂
Jane Doe,
I can relate so much to what you describe (tears, too) because I went through it. We ‘fall for it’ because we are nice, kind, giving, loving, women who expect the best. And because the spaths know that about us and they use whatever tactic works to keep us hooked into their crazy game. I was in various stages of being deceived for years. It about killed me at times.
I am so sorry the pain you are feeling. It is beyond awful to realize that the person we loved and we relied on what he told us was conning us, never existed. It is a big loss to grieve, it is a betrayal, it is a shock.
Your ex is not good to you. You deserve to be with a man who loves you and appreciates you. It’s a painful difficult path to reality, but it’s worth it.
Your ex doesn’t seem to be nice to you. When he says nice things to you, consider that he may be saying these things to keep stringing you along. There is no reason for him to change his character and stop cheating when he gets married. From what you describe, it is not likely he is getting married because of love and commitment. In telling you he’s not sure and he still loves you, he is cheating on his fiancee. Whatever he does with you to others, he will do with others to you, and vice versa. People are the same across the board. Another wisdom is the test of how he treats the waitress. When a man is trying to impress a woman he’s on his best behavior, full of flattery, etc. She should notice how he treats someone whom he doesn’t want something from, who can’t benefit him in some way. That is a measure of how he respects and cares about people in general, not just flattery to get something he wants.
Annette
That’s an interesting theory about the waitress and other women
In general he is very nice to others. I can’t recall any special behavior to females. He was a little flirty with a young waitress on a cpl occasions but nothing out of the ordinary. Although he told me after she was cute but I paid no attention to the comment.
I am aware of the fact he will always be this way and there is no reason for him to change once married. He had told me repeatedly he wants to remain in touch either verbally or physically, but doesn’t want to hurt this new wife either. I’m not quite sure what he’s thinking, is he lacking something, regretting his choices, I don’t know. And you’re right it isn’t very nice to do. I’ve caught him many times lying and he tried to get himself out of it but I am smarter than that and he’s even told me I was pretty perceptive to
Pick up on things that most won’t.
That brings me to your comment about if he does this to his fiancée, he for certain does it to me with other women or he has, which is why I’ve caught many conversations between him and others that were pretty cheesy and got him caught.
Thanks for your input Annette it brings me back to focusing properly when I read what you and everyone says 🙂
Hanalei and everyone
Thank you for your kind words. It was a tough last year but I survived. Resilience , the book written by Elizabeth Edwards , became one of my favorite books.
That’s what I became resilient. I learned that you can never get an apology or an explanation. For ever , I will be the reason he had to cheat,lie and discard, but I know the truth. And nothing brings me down anymore.
Hanalei you are such an inspiration for me.