UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hope and faith got me through this mess. Of course also the help of my lawyer. I think hope is what we always need to see the light at the end. I feel like I lived 20 plus years in darkness. Lite things being so much joy to me now. Before I was so brainwashed that I was not myself. I was a puppet on strings. Controlled by evil.
God gave me this period of my life as a trial to strengthen my faith, to make me stronger and calmer and peaceful. So I look at it as an experience I benefited from. Was it bad? Absolutely but it brought me to a better place in life. As far as the ex, he can live with his minions, look at porn , whatever he desires. Because I am free now it does not concern me anylonger. It s a great relief.
Your experience is an inspiration. You did some powerful things for yourself, like accepting your ex’s choices and then doing the best you could for yourself without spending more energy focusing on your ex who doesn’t appreciate you nor choose to benefit from any good thing you have to give.
You often point out that your ex doesn’t even value his own son, yet if he was the kind of man who loved and valued his son he would love and value his wife. (The same spring can’t yield both sweet and bitter waters James 3:11) When spaths appear to treat some people good while abusing others, they are really exploiting all of them. It just happens that they can best exploit some people by sucking up to them or acting as if they are treating them well; and best exploit others by abusing them. Spaths do not treat people because they respect others, care about others’ well being, are committed to being fair and responsible to others, to keeping their promises, to being honest, nor get joy out of sharing others’ happiness and enhancing others’ happiness.
Annette
I felt the same way. I could never stay calm when it was the ex and me. He knew exactly how to push my buttons. And it seemed like he was enjoying it and smiling inside. Like “yay, I accomplished it, I got her yelling and crying.” At one point after the discard and I was mentioning divorce , he actually suggested divorcing with a mediator instead of retaining lawyers.” My response was “absolutely no way”.
There are no “peaceful divorces ” from evil because every action they plan is against you. At the end you won’t know what happened.
And like I said the only way I got through this mess was the no contact. The only thing I would change is that I should have filed for divorce after the spyware showed his nude picture exchange. Why I gave him a second chance this baffles me?
Sounds like my experience with my ex was similar to yours. I did not like the person that I was when interacting with him.
In hindsight, you know now giving him another chance was a mistake, but at the time you didn’t know. I wish I’d not spent so much time giving my ex the benefit of the doubt, but I think that if I had stopped interacting earlier, I might be doubting myself now, wondering if I made a mistake. Having given them another chance does give us the benefit of knowing without any doubt that we’re not making a mistake in ending the interactions. Even though in retrospect we know now that we stayed too long and caused ourselves more pain – but we didn’t know at the time.
AnnettePK
It’s true when you say if you had left your ex earlier you may have doubts at this time.
We need time to figure out what is wrong in relationships and if you had left at the first sign…where would you be today? Maybe still wondering if it would have worked with you both? Should you have given him the extra chance?
Like you said if they’ve done it by the third time, you know pretty well they aren’t good for you..
Like a baby learning to walk, they need to fall the first few times before they understand how to do it properly
Hi all my loyal and trusted friends on LF ♥
I’ve been blessed with an opportunity! My spirit guides, angels, God (whomever?) Have been listening to my desire to change my life in a radical 180º turn.
My instincts have been screaming to stop playing in this energy and stop rehashing everything I’ve been through. I know without question that I couldn’t have come this far without all your love, support and guidance but I feel like I know enough now to move on and start doing the things that bring me pleasure instead of spending my spare time looking and commenting on posts. At some stage I have to act on the knowledge and move on. This scares me a little but the universe has stopped me from being able to see what my ex spath is doing online and I’m going to take this as a sign to start focusing on building the life I desperately want and need.
So I’m signing out of LF and canceling the notifications. I’ll check in on occasions to see how you are all doing and if anyone wants to check in on me then please feel free to email me at ironic666@hotmail.com.au
Love and blessings to you all and thank you, I’m forever grateful xxx
Take care, best wishes, stay safe, and please drop in to say hello every once in awhile. Thanks for all you have shared. I’ve learned much from your posts.
Annette
I will thanks again ♥
Ironic
It hasn’t been too long I’m here but have to say you’re doing a good thing…things that pertain to something bad wont help 100% to move on. Much luck you’ve given some very wide advice 🙂
Kaya-
That’s fabulous news!
I hope the future brings you abundant joy!
Joyce
Thank you so much Joyce and everyone. I am proud if myself that I showed him it’s not ok to cheat, lie, betray, abuse and blame and discard. Like I said when he abondened his family he lost all privileges to ever come back to this family. And the ultimate consequence for his evil actions was my filing for divorce.
I stood up for myself, probably the first time in my life and made him accountable for his actions. It was the only choice I had.
Giving him 2nd, 3rd chances were a waste if time and emotions. Dealing with a sociopath has only one solution. Leaving him , divorcing him and ignoring him for the rest of my life.
Just wanted to say hi to all my friends- I have not posted in 2 weeks , a lot has happened..my mom fell ill..she has been on a breathing machine and has liver failure. So- I have been traveling to the city to the hospital to see her.
It is amazing how when something tragic happens the last thing you can think about is the SOCIOPATH. However- he did it again to me.
He caught word of my mom being sick- and sent me a email saying he was “ending things” with his tramp and he made a mistake..and that he wanted to see me in person. That he still loved me.
Of course- I did not believe him. I think with all going on with my mom I wanted to believe he has changed. I could never take him back because the trust is gone..and I know he is evil I did however agree to meet him in person to see what he had to say.
I let him know clearly before we met he was not coming back. So I was proud of myself for that. But boy- I should have listened to you all about the mini disgards.
So I go to meet him- he was acting rude before I left to meet him and I told him don’t waste my time because my mom being sick I need my energy. So I show up- he gets out of the car and tells me I am a fat bit$$ and he is not attracted to me. He tells me he is going to be with the tramp and he had to tell me face to face in order to have his piece.
I was blown away. First..im not that big. He makes me feel like I am a heffer im not. He told me before I met him he loved me..and wanted to tell me to my face. I stood there. In disbelief. I started crying..he smiled. It made me dry heave I was so upset. WHY WAS HE SMILING. MY mom is fighting for her life and this man lured me there to just call me names. I haven’t even bothered him
I just am so hurt all over. I never should have went..and he is pure evil. Just awful
I am so sorry you got burned yet again, and that your Mom is so ill. You have seen his pure evil – it’s incomprehensible but true that he enjoys your pain. There is a real devil and demons are real. But there’s 2 angels for every demon, and the creator God is more powerful than all. He only allows Satan and his demons to do their evil for awhile, then they will be restrained.
It may now be easier for you to resist your ex’s next attempt to interact with you and harm you, and to remain No Contact.
The BS he says has nothing to do with facts – whether you are over or underweight, old or young, rich or poor, intelligent or slow, whatever. It has to do with finding out what hurts you the most and what keeps you struggling to have a normal interaction while he enjoys the torture sports.
Prayers for you and for your Mom. Take care.
Thanks AnnettePK- It was my fault for meeting him..I had no intent to allow him to come home. I think that could have been what caused him to attack me verbally..because I let him know before we met he was not coming back.
Just to see his meanness..with my mom so severly ill and he was SMILING as I cried. It was just so terrible
taralav, it’s great to hear from you but I AM SO SORRY about that experience, and about your mom’s illness.
The important part of this message is: you are a wonderful daughter!! and I will pray for your mother’s recovery and continued good health. Your wishing for a little support from your ex doesn’t make you silly or weird, either.
The other part is this: I married a man who at 25 was already balding (not in an attractive way) and had such bad posture that he looked like a bald hunchback. In wedding pictures, I look like a model. Somehow — SOMEHOW!!! — this person managed to make me feel like the ugliest, most unlovable, unwanted person, that even after he called me names from Dumb Cow to F—ing B—h, I still not only STAYED but continued to WORK at that relationship. So p-l-e-a-s-e do NOT blame yourself for failing to believe he’s evil!!! and DO understand that his need to MAKE you feel ugly (fat, stupid, useless, unpopular, unwanted, or whatever) is a SICKNESS.
No matter how sick your mom may be today, she is much healthier than he is — and so are you. Do you tell your mom she looks like crap, that you have never loved her, or that you wish somebody else had been her mother? OF COURSE NOT!! the idea would not cross your mind.
It’s OK to miss having a partner, to be furious and miserable that he turned out to be such a nasty person. But taking the NEXT step, of buying into his madness — that’s where you have to stop. Otherwise, you may as well tell your mother’s nurse when you go to visit her later, that she has bad breath, the worst acne you’ve ever seen, and ought to sign up for Weight Watchers. The fact you’d get no thrill from watching the nurse’s eyes overflow with pain shows you do NOT have his illness, and THAT is the important part — since these peoples’ souls are so sick it’s downright contagious and they should be placed into quarantine so as not to infect the rest of us.
Here is a virtual bouquet of flowers for your mother: ___ and a hug for you, sweetheart: (__). Please take them with you, and know that my heart is riding along, too! I am GLAD you met with him, as you needed to know you hadn’t imagined it. Please be assured that every single time I make the same decision I still come away with the same result you did. If you saw a photo of me with this bald (now grey) hunchback, you’d say WHA?! You let HIM treat you like that?! and I’d have to bow my head and admit to you — yes, I do. Or I used to, anyway. Then I hope you’d say — it’s OK, I understand. 🙂
taralav, thank you for checking in with us! I am sorry to hear that your mom is ill and I will keep her in my prayers. You are right to keep her your first priority right now.
I am sorry your ex treated you so cruelly – he set you up with kind words he thought you would want to hear only to completely change his story when he got you there…so classic. I found that my ex was NEVER willing to step up to the plate when I needed him to, and yes, also was extra cruel to me when he knew I was hurting about something that had nothing to do with him.
They take what they know will hurt us and poke us with it. When we bought the house, I moved ahead and hadn’t seen my ex for about 6 weeks. Before I moved, I had lost a little weight and by the time I saw him again I had lost about 20 pounds and was feeling very good about myself and was excited to show him. He didn’t say anything so I twirled and told him and what did he say? You might have lost 20 pounds but your belly is bigger than it ever was. Wah wah. I covered my hurt by saying probably because my waist had gotten much smaller in comparison (what the heck was I making excuses for?) and he flexed his shoulders and turned the conversation to how good HE looked. My joy was ruined.
There will be no comfort coming to you from his way. It’s terrible, but it’s true. Be strong.
Taralav….
I’ve been following your posts and wanted to offer a few thoughts. First of all, let me say I’m sorry for your Mom’s illness and pray she gets better soon.
Regarding the spath, he picked a time when he knew you’d be vulnerable and chose to move in to suck you back in. What he did and said was so heartless and cruel. This guy is piece of work.
Taralav….I know first hand how difficult it is to end a relationship with a spath. I was in one and have been out for about 2 1/2 years now. Let me say that my life has never been better. I am much older that you, but even at my age now, I’ve grown and learned so much about myself during this time.
The spath I was with had someone else, too, months before we ended. I didn’t know that until about a year after we were apart. I suspected though, but when we were still together and I asked him, he always, always, said no. Of course he did, right? Believe me when I say I was crushed at the end….heartbroken and crushed. It took time to recover. But, when you start the process and work through it, things can be so much better. You’ll find yourself again. You’ll become stronger.
I would say don’t give him a minute of your thoughts, but I think we all know that’s very difficult to do. Besides reading, journaling, crying, talking, one of the other things that helped me was joining a women’s group to share my story and to listen to others. After hearing other stories, I realized I wasn’t the only one going through a difficult time. To talk and share really helped me. And as a result, I met some wonderful women, too.
No Contact really is the best way to go for recovery. I slipped up more than once in this department, but slowly got back up and started again.
I am living proof that life can get better! There is something for us to be learned from these terrible ordeals. It’s a difficult lesson for sure. But when you move past it, the sun shines brighter, the grass is greener…and simply put, life is just better!
Stay strong my friend….
carolann
Taralev
I am so sorry about your mom and will keep her in my prayers.
As far as you meeting him, you should have not done that. You know I did the same. About a month after I was discarded I agreed or almost begged him to go to the beach with me. The minute I met him there, his ice cold eyes , he could not even look at me. He started right away what a crazy b* I am , how fat I am, how I destroyed the marriage and everything. Why did I subject myself to this all over again? No idea. I stayed for 4 hours, ending up sitting on the beach crying while he had that stupid smirk on his face. Yes, I did the same as you. And if so robe would have told me not to go, I would have not listened and met him anyhow.
It did teach me a huge lesson though. It opened my eyes about the evilness they possess. I think you need to experience all this before you can finally except him for who he is. It’s a journey , an awful one believe me.
My journey had ended with the final divorce decree. But to this day he is trying to push buttons by sending stupid emails and messages to my son. He just does not get it. He does not exist for us anymore. He had to start his journey now. I think it’s an ugly one. It would be for me being guilty if destroying an entire family. There is noobe else to blame but him.
Good luck Taralev. Try to stay away from him. Otherwise you are asking for more hurt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoouLa7uxA
Awesome song by Jewel “Foolish Games”
now that i listen to it again
It’s About A Spath!!!
WOW
in the vid she nails the emotion behind coping with a spath
the difference btwn breaking my heart and
tearing it apart
shredding it
and eating it in front of me
To all my kindred spirits who have inspired and comforted me:
On one of these articles, I totally shared the feelings of another who felt that we lost so much of ourselves, that we didn’t think we could get it back, that we lost so much ground and some days were a huge struggle just to do the basics. I felt that I had become kind of a downer, because while I was free of my ex husband, I still needed people to notice that I existed, that I had something worthy to give, even though I didn’t feel that way.
Problem solver that I am, I have embarked on a search for that which points me into finding the real me again, the one who delighted in being with others, who was energetic and curious and not sitting at home on Fri/Sat nights because no one called to make plans with me; why would they? I had become the shrinking violet.
The other criteria of finding what made me stronger was that it had to be easy, because as a person who felt like one of life’s failures, the last thing I needed was something else to fail. And please, don’t talk to me about exercise and endorphins. I wasn’t that far along, overweight and allergic to so many foods that I was the grey haired but teenaged acne freak who can’t afford health care. So, final criteria, I looked for solutions that are FREE.
Here’s a powerful one that fits all my criteria. Lemme know what you think. And yes, I am still searching for more. But I thought it was a very good start. Watch all of it, her talk is not specific to sociopath recovery but it certainly applies to what I endured, the loss of my identity and feeling that I no longer belonged anywhere. And if you notice, she resonated so much with her audience that she got a standing ovation, not so common anymore! All My Best to You, from me…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc
(Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are.
Dear Not: I look forward to watching the video when I get home later – don’t have time this morning. But I notice the tone of your email is very hopeful and positive and this made me smile this morning. I love seeing people heal. 🙂
I’m also ALL for free stuff – Meditation and body awareness is free. I am working with a cranial sacral therapist who does trauma work (not free or even cheap). She is teaching me to learn how to find a safe place inside my body whenever I start to feel overwhelmed just by feeling how the ground (or bed or whatever I’m resting on) supports my body and actually feeling where my body is making contact with that surface. It helps ground me in my body and gives me the strength to face my emotions. And the technique is free to use at any time. I get anxious quite a bit, so this technique has been a lifeline for me. She calls it “pendulating” – being able to go back to that place of safety to facing a difficult emotion. Trauma survivors have difficulty finding this place of safety or groundedness in their bodies. Once you feel grounded, you can more easily discharge the emotion, whatever it is. I actually have been doing this for many years, but she has been directing the process for me.
I notice when I’m grounded, things don’t bother me so much, I have better boundaries, and I read others more clearly. I drift in and out of being grounded – it’s not a familiar or even a comfortable place for me. Being grounded and stable comes with the responsibility to make important decisions and face challenging situations, which produces more anxiety. It does not feel easy to me or comfortable.
I have always believed that techniques for self-help should be free and easily accessible, and one doesn’t need to spend money on healing. I have come to change the way I think about money – that when one is open, grounded, and energy flowing freely, one will be drawn to the appropriate channels for healing – and the money will become available because the obstacles will be removed. Money is another form of energy. It can flow freely or we can block it.
Not,
Thank you so much for posting this link. I’m also have the mindset that you describe. I remember being strong and confident, and now I’m weak, insecure and broken. But I’m fighting to come back.
This is a great video and Amy Cuddy gives such great tips that are backed with scientific proof. I’m going to try all of her suggestions.
Not, you are the same strong person that you once were. Now you are even stronger. You have shared so much wisdom here on LF and I respect you for your courage and tenacity. You will be who you dreamed you would be. I can hear it in your words!
Have a wonderful weekend. And again, thank you.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, you have hit the nail on the head with this, and it speaks to what has been going on with me in the past couple of weeks so directly you might have been in my head.
I am one of those who said I had lost myself and was afraid I would never get myself back. I knew this feeling (and its associated behaviors) were holding me back and keeping me unhappy. I have been feeling like a total downer too. I had no idea how bad it was, how deeply it was impacting parts of my life that had never been a problem, until two weeks ago.
I had signed up for email alerts on job openings at an agency in the area I’d like to buy a house. I was excited just thinking about working for this organization. After months of nothing, in June I got a job announcement for a job that was tailor made for me. My background, talents, personality and skills were exactly right. The pay and benefits were were excellent. I had some specific experience that is not common that gave me bonus points. I was confident that I stood a very good chance of getting this job.
As it turns out, the “old” me would have easily gotten that job without breaking a sweat, just by being myself. The “current” me, not so much.
The same as you said, I need a win. Badly. This was the perfect opportunity, since the one thing I had never missed a step in was my career”hitting the ball out of the park in this interview should have been a no brainer for me.
I was fine until I was sitting in the lobby waiting and saw the prior interviewee come out. He was dressed in a suit, carrying a nice looking leather folder and looked confident and in control. Cuddy gave a name to how I felt – I felt like an impostor. Even though pre-discard, I would have been so confident I might have even felt a sense of entitlement to get this job (as I was offered most jobs I applied for), and I saw interviews as much a chance for me to decide if I wanted to work for THEM as it was for them to get to know me, and I knew in my heart it was likely I was head and shoulders one of the best candidates they had for the job, I felt WEAK. Let me be clear – I felt like a loser”and felt that there was no way I could keep them from seeing that that was exactly what I was”a loser.
I had a few minutes to talk myself down from that. I told myself that based on my resume and application, they were excited to meet me. I told myself they had no idea what had happened to me, that that I felt like complete s##t about myself. I told myself that I had always pulled it out when I needed to and this time would be no different.
I don’t know what they saw/thought, but from my perspective, it wasn’t good. Since it’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard anything back, I’m sure they were disappointed. I can imagine that after I left, they looked at each other and said, what was that?? That wasn’t the woman we saw on paper.
The interview was structured oddly (I was told there would be 8 questions in 25 minutes and to take that into account when answering) and one of the men was like the example in Cuddy’s TED talk – no expression or feedback at all. The questions were a little odd for a short interview like that, and put me in a position to broad brush everything in order to meet the time constraint. In my “old” life, these would have been red flags to me that this organization might not be a good fit for me. But not the “current” me. I was desperate to show them that I was worthy (not qualified and their best candidate, but WORTHY) of the job.
I was nervous, my body language was weak (did I touch my neck, I think I might have) and (hanging my head here), I felt like I was LESS than them, since after all, they had a job at a very well respected organization, probably still owned their own homes, and hadn’t been discarded by the person they loved and trusted. I felt like my answers rambled and were unfocused, and it seemed like I couldn’t remedy that.
UGH.
I have interviewed for many jobs over the years and am a pro – I know all about body language. Hell, I used to lean back in the chair and throw one of my arms over the back of it, relaxing into an almost cocky posture. I know how to make eye contact, be animated and sell myself. It was innate – it was how I was. Was.
I have interviewed hundreds of people for jobs”I know how to be an interviewer. Even in my fog, I know that this wasn’t the greatest panel. They were stoic. They didn’t ask follow up questions (in fairness, maybe I didn’t give them enough to do so and they just wanted me out of there). I asked a couple of questions about the position and it might not be exactly as advertised and might not be the plum I thought. The “old” me would have seen this as some red flags but the “current” me, nope, I felt like a complete loser.
After the interview, these are some of the things that went through my head: the guy who came out looked so slick in his suit (yes, I know looking good is not being good and he might have been a complete idiot), meanwhile I am wearing a dress with a cardigan. My hair looks like crap (they have no idea what my hair is supposed to look like). I’m fat and they know it (I’ve gained 15 pounds since the discard). Nothing I said made sense. I was rambling. I took too many drinks out of my water bottle. Why didn’t that guy look at me (his problem). They could see I had been abandoned by someone I loved and no longer owned a home. They could see that I was an impostor who used to be great but is now washed up. How could someone who presented themselves so poorly have ever attained all the achievements she had listed in her resume? I have too many wrinkles and am much to old to work in an energetic organization. They could tell I was a loser just by looking at me and that I was desperate.
I have never felt desperate in my life and it was a feeling I didn’t like.
Cuddy’s TED talk was a wake up call, a reminder. I knew all of these things. I did them instinctively (woman in a man’s field)”hell, I have mentored other women on not making themselves small, and here I was hunched over in my chair, with my arms folded in front of me (trying to hide my fat, I suppose). Everything about me in that interview said I am not proud of myself.
I tried to tell myself it was too soon, I wasn’t ready. But that’s a lie. I’m more than ready. I am just so down on myself I feel like hiding. Like I’m not worthy.
Let’s see – I walked away from a great career that gave me so much satisfaction and a source of pride”to go to a new life with a man I loved. I sold the home I had owned for almost 20 years to do so. Almost immediately I was abandoned. I lost all my money. I was still enough of the “old” me to knock socks off and got a good job quickly, where I was not appreciated for who I was and what I brought to the table and ended up being treated cruelly and harassed and ended up being forced out. Through all this, I think I was still ok (or maybe it was the ongoing therapy, lol). But in my mind, the final blow was the house being sold and moving into a rental. Instead of feeling free and like the world is my oyster, I feel like a loser.
And I can’t seem to get a grip on it.
I am by nature a positive, enthusiastic, upbeat person. Always have been. Until this.
I know these past few months in the rental my thoughts have been turning more and more negative and critical toward myself. I know none of what has happened was my fault or doing, but by now, it is”I am holding myself back. I am beating myself up. I’ve done it so long internally that it’s now visible to anyone who looks.
It IS loss of identity. I was a professional. I was a woman in a relationship. I was a homeowner. I was confident in my own skin. I had a purpose. I had places to go and things to do.
I had thought each step toward freedom (the sale of that house) was bringing me back to myself and it was the opposite.
I know I need to get a grip. NotWhatHeSaidofMe, if you’re still reading at this point, thank you so much for writing your post and sharing that TED talk. It hit the spot for me.
I want my identity back so badly. None of my tried and true tricks have been helping and lately, I’ve even tried to convince myself that those were my glory days and I need to transition into something smaller now. I’ve tried to content myself with the fact that I had it before and maybe that was enough, even more than many people get.
But I keep going back to this: I WANT MORE. I NEED MORE.
There is this quote: if you knew how powerful your mind is, you would never think a negative thought.
So true.
I can’t let what he did continue to undermine me and my life. I need a win, and I need to start with myself. I need to stand tall like I used to. I used to exude confidence, not defeat, and I was treated accordingly.
Yep, I need a win.
End of therapy session.
Awesome post.
This is going in my “LF.com Save” folder.
I too have never interviewed for a job and not gotten it.
Till one job after the spath & the narc. The company led me to believe they would call me even. But they didn’t. I was crushed.
I’ve had several jobs since then so I guess my mojo isn’t gone forever. But what an ego crusher. I never couldn’t do anything I wanted to. Sometimes I would realize I didn’t want to do something and stop. But if I wanted to—I DID IT.
I *could* do it.
To be unable is…
incapcitating in itself.
You will nail what you want…when you find what you need.
That’s my take on it now 🙂
Thanks, aint!
What you wrote is eloquent: “I never couldn’t do anything I wanted to. Sometimes I would realize I didn’t want to do something and stop. But if I wanted to—I DID IT.
I *could* do it.
To be unable is”
incapcitating in itself.”
This is exactly how I feel. Exactly.
With this interview, I wanted to prove to myself that I’ve still got it. That I could still play in the big leagues. Oh wait, not just play, but be MVP. The truth is, going in, I knew there was a chance I would turn down the job even if it was offered”but I want to keep my options open and I want to be the one to make the choices.
It’s only been about six weeks since I interviewed for and got that job back in the state that I moved from and turned it down. They LOVED me. I felt great in that interview and it gave me a big boost in self confidence.
I couldn’t have gone that far downhill in that time. There were other factors at work, I could speculate but to what end. Not everything works out right every time.
But when not much is working out right, a win is so important, and a loss takes on too much importance.
Yes do not let that one loss take on too much importance. It’s just not worthy of it.
About a year after not being offered that job I realized it was EXACTLY HOW I NEEDED IT TO BE IN MY LIFE.
I was desperate to keep working fulltime. It felt so good to pay my bills, be all caught up even and have money for things like underwear, kids’ sneakers, a pizza out sometimes lol
My kids were DYING tho with the sitter I had for them. They HATED her. She wasn’t doing what she was supposed to be for me while I was gone. And she rly wasn’t treating them right.
So when I finally did a steady job — it was PT, work from home mostly and I could keep the kids with me except 4 hrs a week I went to the office. They knew to be very quiet when I was on the phone. They’re such good kids!
I would have kept torturing them tho for at least quite a while longer just to keep “decent” money coming in.
SO while I HATE that I lost on that interview a) I would have hated the job itself and b) I needed something different—that was waiting for me.
But BOY, did job-rejection throw me for a loop for a while!
aint, I wanted to add to my last comment. On the subject of doing what we want to do”
I’ve written here about how I’ve recently had to distance myself from a friend who was making me feel bad about myself. One of her themes I’ll call “that was then this is now” and this theme centered on how I now have to downscope my wants and needs, be satisfied with less. I started to notice that whenever I got a toehold and had a good day, she found a way to ruin it for me, including saying that I was just kidding myself that I was feeling better when we all knew that I was “down and out”!!!! I was always talking to her about buying a home, what I wanted, where it would be. I am nothing if not realistic and reasonable. She ended up telling me that I was no longer in a position to think in these terms and that was the past”right now, I should be focused on finding a small place where I could “live out my days”. (her words, I couldn’t make that s##t up). She basically told me that at my age, I needed to be cautious and conservative in buying what would “surely be my last home”.
Meanwhile, she was embarking on a complete remodel of her home, using only the highest quality materials. She asked me to review some of the quotes she got because they were over her budget. I told her the only thing I saw was to downgrade the flooring a bit, etc. She was furious I would suggest such a thing, since only the best materials were good enough for her.
Note: this person is 10 years older than I am.
With friends like this, who needs enemies?
EXACTLY! 🙂
HanaleiMoon
I had a friend that I used to treasure. But like yours, when I described what my husband was doing, she always took his side. I got so frustrated one day and burst out crying, “why are you sticking up for him, he’s doing x,y,and z?” She replied that she was just “playing devils advocate, to help me see his side”. I told her I already had a devils advocate, HIM! That was our last conversation. She didn’t even try to apologize. That’s when I knew he got to her. Because I was not allowed friends. That’s one thing my ex did, he somehow said something to convince even my longtime friends that I was not who I said I was.
I was NEVER so alone as I was when I was married. I was isolated. Even when I was a very neglected little girl, I had my friends at school and teachers who cared.
There was a comment I heard so often that fed into my childhood mother’s comments about me… that nobody who knew me liked me. I examined and examined my behaviors, my appearance, my responses. It didn’t make sense that NO ONE liked me. But it was true, at least as long as those people also knew my now ex husband.
No wonder I felt like a failure. I don’t know what was said, but he was that good, even my longterm friends became HIS buddies and acted jealous of the time he spent with me, like I was in the way of THEIR relationship.
So, two minutes, anytime I feel like a loser. I will stand in a power pose and do it until I AM.
Dear Hanalei, aint and all other dear friends! — please excuse me for butting in, I’ve not been able to follow the thread but just had to comment.
My sister has made me nuts about my spath.
She’s shown me how much she cares about me, and I’ve really appreciated that!! I love her dearly, she is my only sister, two years older than me. Her concern has been clear and generous, and I have no doubt that she loves me.
BUT!!!!!! ….
She has suggested I have a screw loose about my spath, and that my “take” on him is mainly the result of my own (in her mind, pre-existing) mental illness.
While I have been literally shaking inside and out for the past 10 years, and visibly so ever since his Friend was murdered, she has said stuff like, Are you trying to get him into trouble? (as if, To pay him back for hurting you?) This has, as I said, MADE ME NUTS.
Ladies, I do know the difference between hating on somebody because they dumped you and are a spath, and being scared to death because they have turned into somebody else and most recently, told you they are a murder suspect. IS IT ME?!
While she seems still invested in a degree of “sibling rivalry,” I have felt like a calf being culled from the herd. She does not (apparently) realize how her thoughts have made me more vulnerable as they’ve added fuel to my Doubt Fire (that was a pun, please snicker).
Thank you for giving me the Shelter of this Collective since it is life-giving and reassuring to read your words!! Love to all.
Dear NoContact
TRUTH: You are not butting in. You are a wanted and valued part of our conversation.
My opinion about your sister is that she may be wonderful, but in this area, she is harming you. So appreciate her where she is at, but don’t share anything more about your spath. She is NOT your support person where he is concerned. She can not be trusted in this area. Sorry dear. Really, I am so sorry that someone you love is untrustworthy to support and protect you against a heartless predator. In fact, because she is this way, she is potentially a betrayer to you with him. BEWARE and find support against him from those who will believe you.
It’s NOT YOU. She’s just not that in to you. So so sorry.