UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I think we need to make a list of sociopaths’ excuses. They must get these out of some game book. The ‘back hair’ one is pretty good. There was another poster on here whose spath discarded her because he didn’t like the way she fluffed pillows. That was another good one. Though I think the brain surgery one was probably the best I’ve heard. Who has impromptu brain surgery? A spath.
Whenever these guys pop back into your life, just think about that whack-a-mole game and hammer them back down into their holes by ignoring them. It’s the only way.
if they would have impromptu LOBOTOMIES
ok that was supposed to read:
if
ONLY
they would have impromptu LOBOTOMIES
no more editing??
oh dear, im screwed lol
Aint
Look at my post just up from yours….definitely should proof read before I list…lol
ha ha ha. If a spath had a lobotomy, how would you know? They are idiots to begin with. lol
HAHAHAHA Stargazer!
Yep. I have long thought that someone dropped my ex on his pointee end when they were pulling the tail off him. DEEMan born of she-spawn. Backwards thinking cold calloused unfeeling self absorbed suckup mama’s boy. Thank GOD for his girlfriend. May she believe his BS forever!
Teehee.
And in case you need a visual, here is the whack-a-mole game:
http://www.walmart.com/ip/11004062?wmlspartner=wlpa&adid=22222222227008665830&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=42040544710&wl4=&wl5=pla&wl6=34441386910&veh=sem
Stargazer
I had a visual and laugh as soon as you mentioned it ★
Okay, we’re on a roll here……so it never occurred to me I might be able to get some pity if I were bald. Maybe I’ll shave my head but leave the chin hairs intact and go for the double pity play! In fact, it would be even more pitiful because I have two giant moles on my scalp, and they would be very visible with a bald head! Everyone would feel sorry for me. It would be so cool!
There is a classic episode of the Simpsons where Homer is using something like Rogaine and one day he wakes up with a head of hair. Suddenly, everyone treats him differently – he gets a promotion, women are hitting on him, he gets a new secretary for his new position…..She comes into his office and says to him, “I gave great back rubs to haired executives.” (classic line) LOL So I think there really is something to these hair conditions that could be used as a sympathy card……And Dang! If you have eyebrow hairs that are obstructing your view of a red light, you should be able to run someone down and get away with it.
Now you’re talking Star. My hairy chin. And my horned owl eyebrows. Yep. They’s in a sexy curl like half a handlebar mustache. No eyelashes though. Used to have some so long that marcara would mark little dots under my eyebrows.
There’s some good news though. Only one of my chins is hairy.
Like Homer says. Mmmm. Donuts.
hi to you all your storys help so much its been 8wks since he disgarded me for his next victim I am devastated at all the threats abuse violence lies now hes free and im not so unfair
I’m feeling really sad today. I finally broke it off with the guy who seemed to be stringing me along. He came back into my life after a 3-month disappearance, claiming the murder of his friend sent him into his shell but that he loved every minute he spent with me and it had nothing to do with me blah blah blah.(Funny how this happens to the girl with abandonment issues….). So I sent him an email and told him only to contact me if he is ever ready for a serious romance and is willing to back up his talk with actions. He called me right away claiming he wanted to see me. But then no date was forthcoming. It’s been 2 weeks now. He was out of town for 4 days and only emailed me once briefly. I asked him a week ago if a date would ever be forthcoming. “Yes, it will,” he said. That was a week ago. I finally just got tired of all the waiting.
I sent him an email and told him that he did not appear to be interested in me and that I cannot waste my time with men who play games. I told him to have a good life and don’t contact me again.
Here was his response. He send a separate email later that day as if he never got mine but I know he did. It said, “Hope to have a date soon, have been busy since I got back.” So I replied, “You’re had 4 years to ask me on a date. So now please go away. You are way too busy for me.”
That was last night. I have not heard back and don’t expect to. I hope I did the right thing ending it. It totally sucks that I really really liked this guy and felt a very strong connection with him and I still do. But it seems every time we have either talked or hung out, he is going out of town after that and/or very busy. I think he is some sort of narcissist or just has a fear of commitment. I got tired of the games. I think if a man wants you, you know. Right? You don’t sit around wondering and guessing.
Now I wish I hadn’t been so rude. I hope it was the right thing to close the door for good on this guy. I’ve known him for 4 years casually. But things only got romantic last February briefly before he had two trips out of town, then was distant for two weeks, then his friend got murdered and he totally disappeared.
Stargazer,
I get how sad this would make you feel, esp as you say, for a gal with abandonment issues (totally relate to that problem myself), but I noticed some things right away.
Your remorse… “wish hadn’t been so rude”. Gee Star. Dontcha know HE’s the one who’s been rude?
He was not only inconsiderate but he’s been outright dismissive. What insulting LAME excuses!
You made very reasonable request, to only contact you if he is ready for romance and willing to ACT on it. So what if he answered immediately. It was a Non-answer! He had NO Action! HE messed with your head! What a jerk!
You made a follow up request not to contact again and he IGNORED you and made a LAME excuse that is a “string-you-along-message”. Again, when you reasonably asserted request for consideration and respect, HE MESSED WITH YOUR HEAD INSTEAD. This is sociopathic behavior.
As the guy wrote in the book He’s Just Not That In to You, “If a guy wants to be with you, wild horses couldn’t keep him away.”
I think as hurtful as this is, that you got lucky and missed the bullet. He’s shown the quality of whatever the relationship would be, that is one of flustration and inconsideration and thoughtlessness and excuses. Maybe he’s just a self absorbed jerk, or maybe he’s a sociopath who’s got a fish on the hook and needed to keep a string of backups.
I say this because you describe the dating pattern of my ex husband, a man who I thought we had a strong connection with but I came to realize it was ONLY ME who had the feelings from HIS manipulations. (I see deja VU!)
I repeat: You were NOT rude, you requested that he be courteous of you and his response was to blow you off. HE was the rude one. His behavior towards you pisses me off and makes me wanna tell him to F.Off. A.H.
Bottom line: He’s not good enough for you. Place your affections on someone who is worthy, not this jerk.
Perhaps it was the chin hair that scared him off….
or because you have humanity and a heart and he doesn’t.
No — it was definitely the chin hair or that bald spot.
No doubt about it.
Hi everyone
As you all know my divorce was final almost a month ago. A few days ago I received a letter from the ex It stated:
“I hope you enjoy this alimony for doing nothing. Now you got everything you ever wanted. When you go to your church ask your god if this is right”
What should I make out if this? Of course I remain no contact and no response. Is he trying to manipulate again? Thanks for your input.
Of course he is. He is trying to make you feel bad, wrong, and guilty. Remember, he is always right and you are the bad guy. Don’t buy into it. In the future, do not read any of his letters if you can help it.
kaya48
He’s attacking you with a guilt trip and you wonder if he’s trying to manipulate?
Easy Answer: HhhhaaaeeeeelllllLLL YES.
What to make out of this: If you had “gotten what you wanted”, he wouldn’t have been who he is and you’d be happily married to a faithful, respectful, cherishing, honorable, caring man.
He’s just doing more of what he’s been doing, blaming you for HIS crap, devaluing YOU (so you did NOTHING? well, maybe HE didn’t value what you did, but the LAW of your State valued what you did!) And while you are asking God if this is right, also please ask GOD if what HE has done to you, your son, and your marriage is Right?
Heck, you don’t even have to ask God, imagine your attorney’s answer!
He’s trying to goad you. I LOVE that your response is silence. Keep up your security! And from now on, refuse delivery. It’s all supposed to go through your attorney, right?!!
Just my input. That and to remind you, he’s an A** 😀
Thank you for the reminder, dear NOT. I’m sure you are right. He called me twice after he got my last email. He said he thought I wanted to “take things slow.” I told him I never said that – I said I wanted him to back up his words with actions.
He had now gone out of his way to find time to see me this weekend. He ended up calling me back and inviting me to an outdoor concert. Anyone remember Peter Frampton? I agreed to go. It’s just one date – I’ll see how it goes. I just don’t trust him. But the thing is we only dated briefly. We were never in a relationship. We were still in the exploratory stage when he disappeared.
Star,
More messing with you. “take things slow?” Bulls* Another excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his degrading behavior towards you. There’s no respect or regard or consideration in how he’s behaving.
I think by going to the concert, and knowing he’s a player, you are walking into a RED zone. It’s my desire for you to be more nurturing of your spirit and cancel. You didn’t make the reasonable request to be left alone as a threat, did you? He’s treating you as an adversary. That’s messed up from the get go. He’s already shown what kind of person he is, that kind of animal does NOT CHANGE. Please go NC with him, you are headed for heartache, it’s your job to protect your soul from jerks.
Please find a bloke who is courteous and caring, NO excuses! That’s what I want for you. I hope you want it too.
I’m thinking about what you said, Not. I think I am going to cancel. I just don’t trust him. I think I’d built up a fantasy about him in my mind. But I don’t think he’s the man of my fantasies. I just don’t trust him. I have to say that I secretly did want him to call me after me two emails. I wanted him to prove to me that he is interested. That’s what he did. So it’s confusing. I think I just need some time alone without these whack-a-moles.
Stargazer, please let me butt in to add: Please do trust your instincts. As “The Gift of Fear” points out: that’s what they’re for — so if you’re feeling ooky, better not do it.
Easily the most aggravating part of my experience has been the Retrospective, in which all the times I SHOULDA protected myself and the kids are clearly evident. You deserve to gaze on stars! so keep your eyes on the far horizon for someone who is already doing that, and avoid everybody you have to teach instead.
What can the Lesson of this be? First, to honor and respect ourselves. And then, to be more discriminating.
Star
The red flag is that he didn’t take responsibility. He made lame excuses. And worse, he blamed YOU. Said he was doing what “you wanted To take things slow”. My ex did this over and over, harming my heart while telling me that it was all for my benefit. Maybe he’s not sociopathic, but his manipulative behaviors are.
When/If you replace the date with something nurturing and wonderfully fun for yourself.
Stargazer, I will be glad if you cancel.
The first few weeks of dating my ex, I noticed several odd quirks about him. When someone asked me how it was going with him, I remember saying honestly I didn’t like him that much.
I kept seeing him because it was something to do”I NEVER anticipated it going anywhere or becoming deeply involved with him. I remember having the conscious thought, there’s no harm, this isn’t going anywhere. Next thing I knew, I was doomed.
Not trusting him is your gut talking to him. I’d rather risk walking away from a nice guy then putting myself in harms way letting another psychopath suck me in. And even if he’s a garden variety jerk, you still don’t want that.
Star, further to what Hanalei said, my sister reminded me (when it was all over) that I’d told her 30 years earlier that the man I was about to marry was not my Prince Charming, in fact she said I described him as Quasimodo.
Why did I marry someone I described to my sister as Quasimodo? It was a sort of magic, a hypnosis, a dream-state that did not reveal itself as a nightmare until after many years, dollars and tears had been spent.
That’s why all the tutorials are heavy on “How to Tell…” and less on “What to Do.” If they can get you hooked (while high on Peter Frampton, and I can dig that!) the battle’s already been lost.
If you do decide to go, don’t give him Peter’s energy, make him earn his own! — if he starts to look even a LITTLE like a hunchback in disguise, get a pretend headache and tell him you’re going home in a cab so he doesn’t miss the show (you can hang out in the back if Peter’s too good to miss). Take $20 with you in case that’s what you end up doing, and knowing it’s there will make the concert better.
Yep, she’s right, kaya. And of course you feel the urge to get mad and defend yourself and that’s what he wants – to stir up drama and piss you off and make you feel bad. Don’t respond.
Hi Kaya, thanks for sharing.
Please let me decipher your ex’s letter since I have the Rosetta Stone at my place from many previous statements — not in writing because the man is practically dyslexic but by way of verbal manipulations:
“I am bitter that you received any sort of benefit from your life and time with me. Nothing has worked out the way I’d imagined when I started all of this! it is not WHAT I WANTED! and I am deeply resentful that you ended up “on top” — with money, the respect of our son and community — and even your sanity, in what appears to be a relatively untouched condition.
“I don’t feel in control over you anymore and that makes me feel less manly. Since I can’t Grow you will have to Shrink or I will continue to feel this horridly powerless, painful way. I’m scared of violating the court order and don’t want to spend more money on legal fees, but I am still hoping to plant the Seed of Doubt in your mind that you victimized me. You DID! or I would feel “on top” and I don’t.
“I know that the fastest route to make you wonder about your choices is to exploit your religious devotion and make you feel greater compassion for me than you do for yourself. I’m sure that once you see things from my perspective, you will agree with me that my life is much more important than yours, since a Godly woman wants a man to dominate her — and Lord knows I’ve tried every way there is, to put you beneath me.”
As the Godly woman that I know you are, kaya, I think you should write back and tell him to (in the traditional words) Go To Hell. Being verbose, I’d probably add: What I’d worked for was an intact family, what I’d wanted was love, and God says that He will provide for us now that my dreams are shattered.
kaya, please let me add: I’m not saying you should SEND your writing to him. But that is sure what I would say if I did. 🙂 NC is always the best way … and now he has had “the last word” which is valuable to a spath.
Thank you, no contact. You have both given me such great advice and wisdom. I’m on the fence about this one because A) It’s just a date – it’s not sex. It could just be a fun date. Also B) It’s the Peter Frampton concert outdoors in this garden setting. I used to have his album on vinyl when I was a teenager. I just think it would be fun. I went on a date with another guy last year to see Styx at the same venue, and it was a total blast.
I could just go as a friend and keep my distance. I’m good at that. I will decide by tomorrow. I don’t feel the desire to hurt him. I actually am glad he persisted in calling me, even though I sent him away. It didn’t upset me. Though I definitely marvel at his gall in doing so. I think if I really wanted him to go away, I could have just told him on the phone and he would do so. Or I didn’t have to take his calls today. I could have just gone no-contact, but I didn’t. I wanted to hear what he had to say. I obviously hadn’t closed the door.
I have a tendency to play games myself because I’m not quite done with my healing and probably not quite ready to date. He pointed out to me that there were a few weekends when he wanted to see me and I was very busy, which is probably true. So if I can just keep it as a friendship, I’m golden. And if he wants to pursue me, I’ll let him do it.
NoContact, this is a great reply for that creep. If I were kaya, I’d be very tempted to quote your exact words and send them to him. That is, if the guy weren’t a sociopath. The words will mean nothing to him. But if I thought those words would shut him up, I’d send them.
kaya”YES. He is trying to manipulate. He is trying to make you feel guilty for what is right and what you deserve through the divorce. It’s killing him, so he has to come after you.
Ugh! I actually thought, out of all these men we discuss, you’re ex was going to be one who just let it be. I think this is a sign it’s eating him alive.
My ex was married to his first wife (the mother of his kids) for maybe 12 – 15 years. I am unclear exactly how long. The divorce and custody battle was very drawn out. My ex has a government retirement. The judgement required that a percentage of his retirement (around 20% I think) go to his first wife upon his retirement. He spoke often about how he dreaded the day she would get that part of “his” money when she didn’t deserve it. When he got into that mess at work and told me he quit and pulled his retirement (but was actually let go), she started getting her payments. I think it amounts to around $20k a year for life”this just killed him. The ironic thing is that his second wife also had a government retirement and when she passed away, he became the recipient of her pension for life – he gets around $25k a year from this. Fell into a bed of roses. They were only married a few years when she passed away at 42. Now he has a new wife to pay half his bills.
Grrrrr…….that hurts just reading about, Hanalei.
Thank you all for your great advice which I value very much. Yes, I realize it’s just a new way to manipulate me. I wish I could write and thing back but know better. I learned that words mean nothing to him and could be served another injunction. So I will remain silent and will not give him the satisfaction of a respond.
In this state, when a divorce gets a final judgement issued, the lead attorneys get dismissed from the case. I do receive my alimony/spousal support in as monthly check mailed to me by the ex. If he wishes not to follow court orders I would have to retain an attorney again to start in one with holdings through the court. So I always have this “weapon” in case he stops paying. I am sure he does not want to occur more legal fees.
My reaction was actually “I was laughing about the ridiculousness of his writing “. To mention God and my church is just a war for him to devalue me. And I am in control and will it let him have that power over me ever again. That’s why we are divorced now. In the future I will file these letters (he wraps them around the alimony check) away in case something comes up. I always have my attorney by my side who would fight for me again.
And yes you are so right. What an a**. I guess the grass was not greener on the other side. Too bad for him. Like you said “I am on top of the world “. He is nothing to me.
No contact
What an excellent “translation” of his pathetic letter. Thank you so much. It was a tremendous help for me to remind me of his evilness. And you what, I used to feel sorry for him before the discard. No more feelings of that kind whatsoever . I know it was the “enemy” who wrote these words. A liar and a cheater who has lost all respect from many. He can ask his “minions” for it.
Yes, he is basically reduced to nothing.
I will remain no contact and if these letters continue I will consult my attorney. The ex should go on with his life. He has his freedom to have sex with anyone he wishes. Something he desperately wanted while being married.
Hanalei
You are absolutely right. I never expected a letter like that. It almost sounds to me like he feels defeated. Reduced to a loser and that is what he is.
He probably does feel defeated”it’s got to be a bitter pill to swallow when the reality hit him that he will be writing that check every month for the rest of his life. It’s almost certain that with his ego and sense of entitlement, he never thought this would happen.
If the shoe was on the other foot, and you had to pay HIM, he wouldn’t view it as alimony for doing nothing, that’s for sure.
Hope he’s choking on the greener grass he thought he wanted and his minion is giving him a hard time because he doesn’t have as much cash to blow now. I wish he was feeling sorry for how badly he treated you but that’s a pipe dream.
Kaya48 and HanaleiMoon
I so Agree! I don’t believe Kaya’s ex dumped all his vitriol only on Kaya. He did that to any human who was vulnerable to him. Can you imagine if he had to answer a domestic violence incident? I believe ANYONE who didn’t immediately submit to his authority probably ended up invalidated, with NO justice.
I also believe it was his attempt to throw a crumb to Kaya, acknowledging her, and if given the chance, he’d romance her again, just to get back and do a better job the next go round, up to and including murder. These guys HATE losing. I know WINNING is the ONLY thing that matters for my ex, and he defined what WINNING was.
This is why it is SO important for Kaya and ANYONE who gets free to STAY free. ANd the BEST way to STAY strong is to maintain NC, FOREVER. Like Kaya says, there is NO satisfaction in any reply because the always invalidate our words. And if an ex trespasses ANY location where we are, we MUST assume we are in DANGER because they are capable of that very thing. People who are used to dominating and asserting complete control over others are very very dangerous animals. He’s an even more dangerous animal because he’s been exposed for what he REALLY is: a loser. I’m sure he’s very aware and very bitter about that truth getting out there.
When I wrote about your divorce, I was limited by my vocabulary and ability to express the extent of my respect and regard for your accomplishment. I ABSOLUTELY know the enormity of what you achieved. You are a role model for other victims of sociopaths who are in positions of control and authority. Justice is rare, so rare I don’t think anyone can depend on it. But Whoohoo, you are one of the few that got it. I’m thinking your attorney actually enjoyed your case, to stop a sociopath from terrorizing and controlling and “WINNING”. WhooHoo! WhooHoo!
Not
I so much agree with you and thank you for your compliment about my accomplishment divorcing him. Like I said it was the only choice it had to keep me sane and alive.
Did my attorney enjoy this case? Absolutely. I nice little twist in my divorce case was that my ex hired the ex wife of my attorney as his counsel. This made everything so intensive. They were definitely not on friendly terms and winning my case was probably a top priority for my lawyer.
Thanks for all your support.