UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
Reading your posts I can really feel your pain as I was in that same place. You have to focus on yourself. Don’t read his email or engage in any contact. Don’t think of whag he is doing with the new woman. It does not matter. He discarded you and he does not deserve one minute of your time. I messed up so many times with the no contact and had to start all over again. You will come to this point when you can be serious about it. Don’t look at facebook profiles , pictures or anything that had to do with him or her. It’s about you now. You need to heal and go on. Of course he wants to portray you as crazy. My soon to be ex did the same. To his co workers and bosses I was the insane, mentally ill wife. It’s their way of justifying their evilness. Stay strong , it took me 3 months and one day after reading these posts here I decided to make it a challenge. And honestly nothing will hurt him more than you ignoring him. Good luck.
Kaya I want him to be bothered I don’t contact him..I want him yo see he messed up and did terrible things to me!! He seems so in love all of a sudden he may never he sorry he won’t ever see how I took care of him and his.kids or all I did for him. Thats what bothers me. Did it bother your ex? When you went no contact
SER and Kaya- it starts every other day he emailed me for example because I blocked him on my text. He called me a coward for blocking him and said that he wanted me to bring him his clothes on Thursday. .that if I don’t bring them hes violating peace order. So he threatens me. In the same breath he says he and his son got my.son a graduation card. There’s no point im.his email but yes I responded and then it starts..back and forth as to why hes with her when it started and so forth. Its a cycle. And I feel so betrayed and abanded im really trying to make sense of it all.
taralav…I know you feel betrayed and abandoned and are trying to make sense of it all, but you are not going to get the answers from him. You want the answers from him and to be able to make sense of it all with answers from him, but he is never going to satisfy that part of it for you. Again, I know…I was there. I feel really bad for you because I know there is no other way but through it. We can’t get under it or above it; only through it. I’m sorry. 🙁
Taralev
He won’t see it. That’s the problem. My ex never acknowledged how much pain he caused me and his son. It was always about him and he blamed me for being mentally ill. My lawyer once asked him in court ” what are you, a cop, your own attorney and a psychatrist ?” He went as far as saying in court that I did not take my medication as prescribed. I don’t take anything but high blood pressure medication. Even though he is a cop he was not able to manipulate the court. Thanks to my attorney.
I am not sure if it bothers him that we have no contact. What I get out of the desperate messages he sends his 19 year old son (my son cut of all contact too), he is in agony over it. But then again I think it’s not real. He is hurt because he lost the “image of a perfect family and father” Nothing is sincere with him. So my son and I don’t care what he feels or thinks. He put us through too much last year. There will never be any contact with him.
What I learned, through counseling and here, is that it does bother them to be ignored. They can’t push your buttons. They can’t make you cry. They can’t blame and accuse. And that’s what they feed of.
It is the most terrible thing, I have been going thru this for 3 months now. I read, and re-read all of your posts hoping it clicks..and I get it and I understand. I am so confused and shocked and in denial that this is a man who said he loved me, planned to marry me, move once my son graduated. And there he is, on another womans facebook page photo. I have been puking and crying and cant sleep. These kinds of people should be locked away.
tara, my heart breaks for you because I was there such a short time ago. I puked, I cried, I couldn’t sleep. It will take time, patience and strength. Give yourself a break.
Mine left me in a 4,000sf house that we had bought less than 3 months earlier, with a $600,000 mortgage that we were supposed to share equally. The house was almost vacant because I had moved from a 1,000sf house and he had encouraged me to sell most of my furniture because we were making a new start on a new life together. I supported that house and lived there (the monument to my lost dreams) for almost three years until it was finally sold. When this happened, I knew no one in this town and had no job.
Meanwhile I heard about how he had introduced his new girlfriend to his family within days of discarding me. About the lavish trips he was taking her on. That his lifestyle hadn’t changed a bit, while I was trying to keep my head above water and struggle to make the bills that were half his responsibility, so my credit wouldn’t be ruined. It ate me alive that he was spending the money on someone else, while I was paying his share of the bills. When he did contact me, he was flippant, cruel, and blaming. I worried about how much I would lose, and where I would go. Meanwhile, I was still puking, crying and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t have a decent nights sleep the whole time I lived in that house.
Little by little, I accepted. The hurt didn’t go away, but I accepted. Then I had an ah ha moment that I pray you will reach soon, for your own sanity, and I realized that it was adding more hurt onto me to keep thinking about him and hearing about his new life, and I cut everything off…his family, friends who wanted to ask about him, any checking of the internet for info on him, and life got better.
Sometime later, I was contacted by someone who alerted me to some information about his job that led me to google him and that is when I found out he was getting married. I couldn’t help myself but look, and there he was, on someone’s Facebook page too. I can tell you, it set me back. Not much, but enough to know that looking, thinking, and caring was dangerous for me, and I stopped again. Now, I care so much about myself, I will not engage in anything that I know will bring me harm.
I tell you this to give you hope. You will get there but only if you move from denial to anger and leave it alone for a minute. I won’t lie, my life still isn’t on track where I’d like it to be, but it is peaceful, I have everything I need. I no longer think about the relationship or what he is doing, and my mind is clear. I am protective of myself. I don’t post here often, and the amount of posting I’ve done in the last week or two has pushed this issue up to the top of my mind and I know it’s time to walk away from this site for awhile and let it subside again.
You are going through withdrawals, and if you muscle through it, I promise it will get better. The sooner you stop taking a little hit of him to get you through, the sooner it will be better.
Thank you for being on this site and writing to me..because it may save me. I feel the same way, I have been left in the house (thank god its a rental) but I also am left with all the bills, he has already met her parents in less then 3 months time. Up until a week ago he STILL denied her..to me. He said he was focusing on his life and his kids and job. But that’s not true. He is focusing on her to make sure she is hooked. He said to me “time will tell” if he decides he loves me and wants to make it work. He says things to keep me hanging on to something.
And then- him and her in a picture together. I dread the day I hear he would marry her. I waited 6 years to marry him and he made promises, even asked my father to marry me. The only thing I feel that would get me thru is knowing he will live a miserable life..and pay for the years he wasted of mine. You are right on point..the withdrawl I feel like I am going thru. The fact I say over and over..that he was my best friend we did everything together. I cant face this man who I shared so much with planned to discard me..he knew exactly what he was doing!! Thank you for being on here..and sharing your story. I hope and pray something clicks in me and I can walk away.
Mine was on FB too, that is how I found out he had moved on to someone else, without letting me know. He was making out like I was the problem in the whole relationship and now I know why. Granted I only found out May 8th, and this morning an email from him after I guess things didn’t work out. It’s been horrible. I was planning a wedding hon, we had a family, thank goodness his kids have stuck by me and have refused to have contact with him. That says more to me than anything. I thank God everyday, it was 3 years and I found out now before walking down the aisle. I am educating myself and going through the emotions. My heart breaks with you. His new girlfriend had no idea about me either. I read the devotional book Jesus Calling and that has helped me a lot.
In time, he will hurt her as he has you. Mine supposedly fell in love with his new girl first week and talking about marriage the second. It is painful in so many ways, but I am realizing he doesn’t really mean it with her either. In time, as I will also, we will be thankful it was only a short period of time as compared to others on this site.
My ex P did the same “deciding” what he wanted to do. At first I thought he was sincere and gave him space; as it dragged on and recycled over and over, I realized it was a BS game he was playing to keep me dangling.
HanaleiMoon…I’m sorry the posting you have done here has brought up bad memories. That happens to me also. I am not sure if you are still reading, but I wanted to tell you thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
I have found that dropping in to this site and a couple others now and then is a reminder to me what my ex P really is, and to maintain NC. Otherwise I start forgetting the rotten things he is and does, and I start thinking he wasn’t so bad, I contributed to the problem, it could be different, it could work, etc. Kind of like an addict continuing to attend 12 step meetings to keep from relapsing.
Taralav, in a previous post I suggested reading and reading about psychopathy to help you acknowledge what he is…see a counsellor too, if you can, who has worked with victims of psychopaths/the disordered. Donna has some on this site or chat to Donna. Joyce Short is also a brilliant woman for advice, but not sure if she does counselling. You are going through the worst part and it is hell. Most of us have experienced it so understand and know your hell. The answers are in the books, if you read you will start to understand his behaviour was just to be expected and predicted. Maybe you are swinging between shock, denial, anger and depression and need some help out of the trough to accept what he is and start recovering. So sorry you are experiencing this terrible, terrible stage of being brutally discarded. But honestly, he did you a big favour and you just need to work through the aftermath to have a better life without this abuser. I’m sure when you were a little girl you dreamed of marrying a prince, not a psychopath. Good riddance!
Bally- yes I never dreamed any of my life like this. I feel I have been living a nightmare. I lost my 36 year old sister 2.5 years ago, he was there for me thru it all. He was all I had really..i had planned to be with him and his children as a family. I am beyond hurt and broken confused. I did go see a counselor 3 times, it really did not help me. My copays are $40 a visit and with me being left with all the bills even weekly that adds up. Are there counselors on this site I can chat with do you know? for free? Who is joyce short..any help I can get right now I will take I am desperate to get thru this my son graduates in 2 weeks and I am just a walking zombie..
Taralav, most counsellors don’t know about psychopaths so they won’t understand correctly to help. Waste of time. I don’t know if Donna has any charitable counsellors you would need to ask her. Joyce Short is author of a book on carnal abuse by deceit and is a marvellous woman with sound advice, you will see posts from her on this website. Her email is short_jm@ymail.com worth a try asking about charitable help contacts she may know. Donna and Joyce will know you need a specialist counsellor who knows about personality disorders. Also you may want to consider some temporary medication to help you get through this terrible discard phase. Then please also read – your library may have some of the books listed on this website. I don’t think you have yet fully acknowledged that man’s disorder – because you are so shocked, hurt, crippled – and in time with reading you will realise and your healing will start.
Consider whether your Psychopath contributed to him being “all you had.” They deliberately and subtly isolate us to get control and to weaken us.
Annette, the deliberate and subtle isolation was very treacherous for me. He worked very methodically to cut me off from everything I cared about, all the while telling me that I had never been in a healthy relationship before so I needed him to show me what it was like. He often hinted that my favorite pastimes were those of an “old maid” or “cat lady” and that I didn’t need them anymore now that I had him.
I was very into gardening and was so proud of my yard and had been neglecting it in favor of spending time with him. I remember one terrible argument when I was begging for a few hours on a weekend to work in my yard. He told me to hire a gardener, as he was my priority now and I didn’t have time for that nonsense anymore. I tried to explain (always explaining, justifying) that it was a joy for me and he walked out on me, driving away and giving me the silent treatment for a few days. This resulted in me spending the time ruminating on why I made a big deal out of it and how to get back in his good graces instead of spending the time in my yard being peaceful and happy. I’m sure he spent that time with someone else, never giving me a second thought. Of course I apologized and he made it tough on me. After that, I gardened in secret…I mean, I would actually take a couple of hours of leave time from work to do it.
It is amazing to relate these stories now, and see how abused I was. I am so thankful that he discarded me and can see clearly now.
Hanalia,
It seems absurd when I look back how insane it all was. They ratchet up the abuse and insanity little by little, slowly, like the frog in the pot of boiling water.
Hi again Kaya, yes my understanding like yours is if you do the No Contact strategy, they don’t like it because they have no way to control you by manipulation, abuse, whatever tactic they deploy. Also you are not feeding your addiction to them so it is a winner strategy. The cold turkey is the hard part but a small price to pay to get rid of the scoundrels. I found it also helped to realise it is just a bit of entertainment to them and victims need to acknowledge that and not participate in the game. I’m not willingly going to be anyone’s fool. Hope you are doing ok.
Thanks Bally,
I am doing great. Just talked to my lawyer as we are awaiting the final judgment. I left his office smiling and empowered. A year ago I was sitting in his chair crying and in agony over my “loss”. Little did I realize then that it was a life changing moment for the better. I feel so bad for Taralev. I remember begging him and crying and waiting for an explanation. I remember shortly after I was discarded he came to the home and I put my hand on his arm(out of compassion and from being married to him for 20 years). He gave me this ice old look and snapped at me “don’t touch me, I am not in love with you anymore”. I started crying and his answer was “what’s wrong with this, why the f….are you crying “. They are cruel and I now know that my son and I never mattered. A person who claims he loves you does not get up and leave and then blame you for their actions I hope Taralev will soon realize that she will never get an answer to the “why”. To this day my son has not got an appology other than “your mother is just crazy, I had to leave her”. No mentio of the young co worker , the cruises, the jewelry, the dinners and so on. Oh by the way along with discarding us he stopped paying his sons college tuition. And at the same time he expects a relationship with him. Unbelievable.
Taralev,I wish you strength and hope and I am not sure if you are a Christian. But I think god has a plan for all of us. Sometimes you don’t see it right away. I know now that he wanted me to have peace. And that’s why this little co worker entered our marriage. Because without her I would have never left him because I was so addicted to him.
kaya, you are an inspiration. You are so right when you say “a person who claims he loves you does not get up and leave then blame you for their actions”. It truly is a blessing when we are discarded. It takes awhile to see it, but for me at least, I know it saved my life, because like you, I would have kept trying harder and harder to “please” him.
Your gesture of touching his arm tears at my heart. I did the same thing, and was told not to touch him because I “made his skin crawl”. I just absorbed it. I guess by that time, I was numb.
Kaya48- yes I am Christian and I pray nonstop to pull me out of this and start living again. I feel I have a huge rock on my chest I cant breathe I just sit and daze and stare,i walk around my room and look at empty drawers where he had his things, most of his stuff he left behind..only taking some clothes. I cant bring myself to take down the photos of us or his kids on my mantel. He also acted cruel like that to me. When I asked him why..why what did I DO to cause him to cheat and leave..he said “I stopped care about you” he doesn’t know when he said..he just did. He stopped caring about me, yet a month before he left we applied for a new house to move into. We had planned a future and planned to move once my son graduated. It just is so unfair. he gets to move on..and be with her..hes met her family..everything,in 3 months time. and I am left with nothing.
Kaya so glad you are doing so well…we all do once rid of them. His latest victim will go through the same and I feel so bad for these people as I would find it hard to believe anyone would knowingly get involved with a psychopath.
You mentioned that victims will never get an answer to “why?” I do believe we have the answer. They want us for something, not for ourselves. Be it sex, money, somehere to live, a life of “normalcy” to hide behind etc. And their entertainment getting it. They have shallow emotions so don’t bond with us and are incapable of love. So when they have got what they wanted/got bored with us and/or have upgraded us with a new victim, they will just dump us because it is easy to do so as they never bonded in the first place. That’s the answer to “why” – their simple behaviour pattern of – idealise, devalue, discard. Over and over again.
You have come so far and should be so proud…and relieved!
yeah its so hard to be in love with someone who is no longer in love with you.
BUT
he never was in love with you.
its like waking up with brain damage…your reality is all skewed, what you thot you knew, is no longer real. it NEVER WAS REAL. you suffer shellshock. you wander about aimlessly trying to incorporate what is real now.
it SUCKS to be in love with someone who is no longer in love with you.
just try to remember HE NEVER LOVED YOU. YOU WERE SIMPLY HIS TOY. He liked how you made him feel. He LOVED how you made HIM *feel*. It was alllll about H.I.M. You were an inanimate object as far he cared. A robot would have been just as fulfilling for his needs.
Of course he can discard you this way. You are nothing. Period. at least in his very sick, deranged mind.
So very well written. A robot would have fulfilled the job, you are so right. I now realize that he never loved me. I was just an extension of him. What about children? Did they ever love them or was that just an act also ?
Kaya, they cannot love. Children are seen as possessions. They see people as targets, objects or obstacles.
Kaya48
Sociopaths are Predators.
Children are so vulnerable. They are “supply”. Look at pedophiles. They profess to truly LOVE children. They say it’s why they are so attracted to them.
Children feed the need of Predators. That part is not an act. The sucking of their souls. But like pedophiles, these predators know better than to show their true use of a child. And if you notice, lots of sociopaths like dogs too. But not the way that normal people do.
My ex husband LOVED old people and that was one reason I thought so much of him. Turned out, what he LOVED were old people who had no one else. He scammed them, they left him their estates. But once they went into a nursing home or got cancer and went into hospice, he did not see them anymore. He went to the funerals, but my ex LOVED funerals… for the social aspect. I should say, he ENJOYED funerals.
HOpe this clarifies that “loves the children” confusion. Just like they are unable to love their wives and girlfriends, they pervert the meaning of LOVE.
actually—a robot did fulfill the job. the spath or disordered person turns ppl into robots or there is hell to pay!
as long as we turn ourselves inside out and become their mind-slaves or robots, the relationshyt stands. moves on even. deepens.
its when we regain even a slight sense of our humanity, our WORTH, that the nightmare starts.
and when we actually go—ah, the nightmare becomes a night TERROR.
and they say nightmares aren’t real…
Thanks Hanalei moon and Taralev,
I am honored to be an inspiration here on this website. The site that helped me so much last year when going through the most difficult time in my life.
Wow, Hanalei , how awful for him to tell you that when touching him. Just the same as my soon to be ex.
I remember him saying over and over “I am not leaving you for another woman, I am leaving because of you” . I already knew he was seeing the other woman and at that time I almost believed it was because of me. He left me with all the bills also to fend for myself and my son. Looking at his financials I realized he was living “it up” like a king. He spent almost 7200$ every month down to the penny on her. Well since this case settled that came to an end now.
He did not care about what his son would eat, how we would bills and so on. One time there was a message towards the end if the divorce “tell your mother to be civil,maybe we can get along “. Another little try to manipulate. Doesn’t he know that this crap is over. He cannot not will he ever get anything out of me or his son.
I am sorry Hanalei what he did to you. But I can tell you have recovered, just like me. Does it still hurt sometimes? Absolutely, but I don’t focus on it anymore. I change my thoughts to the things I am grateful for. And I can tell the pain he caused me got less and less. Almost to the point where it is not painful anymore. This entire ordeal is just something that happened to me but it does not define me as a person. :).
Exact words were said to me. Exact. A week ago. I am not leaving you for another woman I am leaving because of you. He said that to ME! And- as I have said before everyone has their faults in a relationship..but I truly treated him like gold..took care of him and his kids, worked hours overtime at my job to help out when he was between jobs. He started day 1 of his new job as a single man.
Taralev
How interesting. He rented a new house just before he left. Mine insisted on refinancing the house do we can retire early. A week after we closed on the refinance he left. I am not sure if they plan their departure ahead and just wait for the right moment to discard. My computer spyware showed that he was looking for appartments to rent about 3 months before he actually left. To this day I don’t understand why the refinance ? He did not get any cash out if it. Mine left after he ran out if excuses. I caught him taking paid time off while he claimed he went to work. Just looking at his pay stub I caught him in this lie. His excuses was “oh they made a mistake on it”. Sure the sheriffs department makes mistakes on pay stubs. Well that was the night he left, just with a few clothes. And guess what, the next day he had a phone conversation with her for 186 minutes. All lies. Lies after lies .
Don’t worry about what he does with her. If he meets her family or not. Eventually he will find new fresh supply and she will be history. Just focus on yourself. And yes I was a zombie for about 3 or 4 months also. It does get better. I am glad my son is not a minor. He would make up all kinds of lies to gain custody.
I believe the discards are completely premeditated and they take advantage of circumstances to their benefit. In my case, as soon as we made the offer on the house, the dynamic changed. Where he wanted me at his house every weekend before, all of a sudden, he wanted to come to my house, under the guise of wanting to give me plenty of time to get ready to move. After everything happened, I realized that I had not been to his house even once after we made the offer. I was too busy to notice. I’m sure he had already written me off and was keeping the decks clear to allow his new woman free access into his life. He would come to my house for part of the weekend and then head home, supposedly to get his house ready to put on the market. For someone who was trusting, it all seemed appropriate for the circumstances. In my opinion, he calculatedly set me up to lose as much as possible, all the while knowing he wasn’t going to do anything he promised. On the last visit before the discard, he cared so little that he had become sloppy and the “tells” that told me there was someone else were all there. I didn’t mention it, but he sensed my mood and of course, added that to his script blaming me for the discard.
HanaleiMoon…absolutely the discards are planned. I saw this in my situation. He blamed me saying I “misunderstand.” It made me feel awful of course like it was my fault and that I always “misunderstand” everything and who wants to be around someone who always “misunderstands.” Yes, they make it convenient for them. They jump on something that happened and make it your fault and then that’s their excuse to get out. Sad.
Wow Taralev
He used the same sentence. My counselor said that sentence is a “standard” excuse so they will feel better and it takes the guilt away from them. Because they blame the victim. I stopped counseling also as the co pays add up. I am ok now since the divorce is almost over.
Counseling was helpful for me but I feel strong enough now to do it on my own. I filed for divorce and put an end to it. That last little control he had (hd would have loved to be the one serving me with divorce papers) I took away from him. My attorney said “what are you waiting for , let’s do it ” and he was so right.
Taralev, you will be ok. I will pray for you to remain strong. Remember god will never give you more than you can handle. 🙂
~~~~~~~~God Always Gives You More Than You Can Handle~~~~~~~~
You wouldn’t need Jesus if you could do it yourself, would you?
He gives you nothing you can not handle WITH HIM.
This a huge difference from what ppl commonly say, as you said.
With GOD, all things are possible. Without Him, nothing is possible. “By Him all things were made, and nothing that was made, was made without Him.” Jn 1:3
Becuz “In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men.” Jn 1:4
Life without Him, is not life. Even the poor life we may have is not what it would be without Jesus Christ.
Just remember you can do life without God but He will give you waaaay more than you can take most likely.
kaye48
You said something I disagree with but if I can explain, I hope you will see that I mean no disrespect, that I have processed a bit of logic. So forgive me because I am a person of faith and it is NOT my intent to discredit God at all.
I have come to realize there are lots of sayings that are simply untrue.
“God will never give you more than you can handle” is something written by man. It is only true for those who make it past the suicide stage. In many countries outside the USA, people are often given more than they can handle. They die.
I say, yes there is much given that people can’t handle. I would hope they’d reach out and find support (like here on LF), to share the burden, so that others can accompany them on their road to recovery. That is the only way to handle it when satan gives you more than you can handle. satan makes use of that free will thing that GOD gave us.
I say this because I used to think GOD abandoned me because if I had true faith, then he wouldn’t have given me something I was unable to handle. I thought it was proof I was a failure to GOD too. I came so close to suicide because I thought I could not do ANYTHING right so even GOD rejected me. This of course, was not true. I just failed to see my troubles weren’t from GOD, they were EVIL, from satan.
There will be no one else. I am so sorry for what I have done and if I could make it up, I would.
I am sorry for everything. Loosing you, hurting you all and for being weak when I should have been stronger.
Tami. You are my best friend and soul mate. I was stupid and weak.
Nothing in my future will be the same without you or worth that I have lost you.
I love you and cry for you every day. It will not change what In have done. I am suffering without you and I deserve that.
I truly do love you and know I was meant to serve God by your side. I am sorry for destroying what we had.
I cannot stress enough how much I have missed you and how emotionally, physically and spiritually I need you and want you in my life.
I love you and I know I was meant to share my life with you.
I am so overwhelmingly sorry for everything I have to you, the boys, Andrea and David. I have fucked up everything being weak.
I have been talking with friends and the pastors at church. They have told me In was wrong and that you have to decide if you will take me back.
I have prayed for that every day and night.
I know I do not deserve anything from you.
I love you and I am sorry.
ATTENTION, ATTENTION,
ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!
Above is an email I received at 3 am, THIS IS WHY NO CONTACT IS SO IMPORTANT. I was doing so good, and I opened this email. Tell me please, does this play on your emotions or what?????? He is playing to my love of Christ and even says I have to make a decision. OMG!
Tami ignore him. He is being a puppet master and don’t dance to his tune. Pretending his sad fate is in your hands. Yeah right. I’ve experienced this many times. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. He doesn’t want you, just something from you, it is a game. He is manipulating you by playing on your vulnerabilities. Don’t be sucked in as the next time he spits you out it will be even worse – there will be acid in his mouth. Go and read up about his disorder instead of responding. Do not respond. The experts here know that you must go NO CONTACT. It’s a game to him – don’t play with the devil, you will be the one who gets hurt and harmed.
Bally – You are EXACTLY right. Oh how words like that used to suck me in and I’ve got the acid scars to prove it.
HanaleiMoon, yes we’ve all fallen for it. However we didn’t know about psychopaths then. I cannot stress enough that victims must keep reading learning about this disorder. They can then better anticipate and predict what the psychopath will do. Tami’s ex is boomeranging back like most do. To maintain control over her, get something else from her, dupe her, con her, deceive her, be unfaithful, then dump her callously. He may also just be bored and wants some entertainment at her expense or wants to triangulate her with a new girlfriend. He has already worked out he can get around her, hence the manipulative email. He isn’t coming back for her benefit, that’s for sure.
Tami, apart from being manipulative, if you really look at his words, he is behaving like the victim of his own stupidity and weakness! True psychopath style. Don’t be fooled, they are not victims, they are very much in control. Ignore!
Thank you guys and you are right. But oh it sure does play with your heart and your mind. My heart wants to go running back, but my head and gut says, “No”. This time I am going with my head, very hard to do, but in the long run, I have a feeling I will be much better off.
no it doesnt play on my emotions at all, not becuz im not you, but becuz THE MAN IS A LIAR.
ppl can name the Name of Christ and be lying their ass off. woe to him that does so. he has to answer for such debauchery, such DEFRAUDING, at the Judgement.
you have no decision to make. it was made for you. THANK GOD. the fool that wrote this pathetic ploy to guilt you decided for you when he discarded you, kicked you to the curb like yesterday’s trash (which is exactly what you are to him), abandoned you…whatever you want to call it.
you are no longer useful to me, get out of my life.
oh wait
no, i need you now
I call BS.
Tami-call BS. dont even respond to this. By all means go to church. dont go anywhere near a church he goes to, however.
but dont spend another minute trying to communicate with him.
PATHETIC.
see his pathetic-ness…and retch.
Thank you. It peeves me that he uses what is so important to me as a ploy to suck me back in. No scrupples
I’ve gotten other emails since and they all like Bally said are acting like a victim of his stupidity. It was my fault because I made him feel insignificant, unwanted, really? That is his justification for acting like an ass. Heartbreaking, this is my fault. He hasn’t come out and said those words exactly but made it very clear. What books have you all read to educate you more on this disorder?
another thing…when my late husband and i were split up, due to his cheating, he got sober, got his head out of his butt and returned to Christ. I think he truly did, i thot he did then too. but i was still very hesistant. i would not welcome him back open arms. he needed somewhere to live for one. we had kids together for two. neither of which was a good reason to give him another chance. his own family told me dont do it. u deserve better.
so he tried that You Have To Make a Decision.
i said no. no i dont. I can stay undecided as long as I want, screw you. well i said it not quite so nicely. i was so angry, so mortified, so OUTRAGED. nope, i dont have to do a DAMN thing. YOU have DONE IT ALL already for me. I had no part in this. Dont try and make me a part of it now. its too FN late.
i had the presence of mind to say that immediately. i was 23; even at that young age i knew, his shyt was HIS. i would not own any of it.
if he wanted to use my reluctance as an excuse for doing more shyt, so be it. nothing in the world could be worse than what i was gong thru. NOTHING. (i was right about that btw, having lived another 26 yrs after this now) i had nothing left to fear lol you could torture me and it wouldnt hurt any worse!!! my life was over, it would never ever ever be the same.
i did decide to try again, in a few wks
and the best part, almost as hurtful as what he’d done to me and our children? everyone was appalled at my lack of forgiveness, at the worry i caused him, at my disregard for my marriage vows.
i kid you not.
it makes me gag now, just typing that out.
Dont get me wrong, i loved that man. I can look with the 20/20 hindsight of wisdom and say I dont regret getting back with him and having another baby with him. I grieve for him still, 24 yrs later. it was the right choice to make in that situation of ours.
But to put that NONSENSE on *ME*??? those ppl should have been slapped, just like this whiny, crying brat who wrote you this drivel.
the Church shames Her Lord sometimes, of that I am sure.
But He will come back for a spotless Bride, of that I am sure also…so all is not lost 🙂
you know else is funny to me?
i USED to have self respect. there it is, above in that post. instant-no-you-will-not-drag-me-into-ur-shyt. I Will Think.
its so sad I lost it with the spath. he pulled it out of me and stuffed back down my throat, choking me on it.
becuz my late husband was a man of worth, who made a mistake–he waited for me and generally gave me what i needed as we worked it back out.
the spath is a subhuman who needs to evaporate. simply, POOF. gone. he has much right to exist as a vapor of air. easy come, easy go. NONHUMAN.
ive got my respect now. its ok. but i lost close to 8 yrs. 8 yrs i spent in HELL. i can never get them back. nor the friends and family ive lost becuz of him.
I understand a little of your experience. Mine was similar in some ways.
Incredibly convincing. But consider that he says really nothing specific that he has done wrong, nor does he show any understanding specifically how you have been hurt, nor does he say anything about what exactly he is going to do different. All he’s really saying is pressuring you to take him back. He also blames the problems on his ‘being weak.’ I don’t know if that is true in your case, but my ex P constantly blamed his problems on his being ‘weak.’ I eventually saw this was a huge lie – he was not weak, he was strong and resolute in lies, abuse, manipulation, torture sports, chaos, back stabbing, etc. Weak was not his problem; consistently proactively choosing evil and to harm me was his problem.
oh AnnettePK
Yup Yup Yup.
My ex confessed that he was “weak to marry me” but… “that was a good thing.” am still shaking my head over that one.
Yes, you are right, he just says he was weak and in another email, he felt insignificant so when someone else paid attention to him he “ran with it” Who does that after 3 years together????? Not anyone normal I have surmised. Annette you are right because he isn’t weak in other areas of his life, he lies lies lies. Apparently the new GF dumped him and he is coming back to pick up his trash, wow, that is a kick in the stomach.
The above is an email sent by my recent ex, it has sent me in a tail spin. I have logically processed a lot of things but that will sure mess you up. Advice please.
tamikaye2- mine did this to me..not recently, but in other fights. His father is very into Christ and the church. He actually used the church to get me to forgive him. He said he wanted to talk to his pastor and bring me to meet him so that he would be the pastor who would marry us. He always used his pastor as a excuse. always
Tamikaye2…how long were you away from him? It seems like I remember from your posts that it was over? Wow.
We were together for 3 years and planning a wedding, but May 8th I found out through family that he had posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship, with SOMEONE else. He told me he had done away with his FB last year, (lie)and apparently not, he just un-friended me. The week before I found out and called him on it, he was telling me that things would not work out because of me, my beliefs, how I couldn’t fulfill his needs, etc etc. Heartbreaking, I blocked him from calling, texting, and FB. Apparently the block I put on email did not work, and I was desperate enough to open it.
tamikaye2…so sorry. I am glad you went cold turkey with no contact with him. It obviously has driven him nuts and now he is trying to worm his way back in. Please keep us posted, OK?
Tamikaye2
Here’s the sentence that reveals he is scamming (no remorse FROM him): “They have told me In was wrong and that you have to decide if you will take me back.”
If he was a person of conscience, he would NOT need anyone to tell him right from wrong. Do YOU need someone to tell you when you were cruel to your loved one? Is their sad face a clue?
He is scamming. If you go back to him, he will betray you again and it will be even more emotionally devastating for you. He will have planned it better.
And yes, he is playing to your integrity, using your faith against you. He knows what button to push, that’s why he said “the pastors at church— because he knows that will mean something special to you.
You know, people don’t realize that LOVE is not enough. You need a person of decency, honor, compassion, integrity, open hearted. He is not that kind of person.
This is a very good point, and accurate. He doesn’t say HE was in the wrong, just that someone else said he’s in the wrong. So when he wants to ‘be right’ he’ll just quote someone who he says agrees with him. If he’s anything like my ex P, he could be lying about speaking to pastors at Church. Also a red flag that he doesn’t say the name of whom he talked with. He could have done something like call dial-a-prayer and then reframed it as “I talked to a pastor at Church.” My ex P misquoted ministers, lied to ministers, lied to me about what ministers said, lied about me to ministers, etc. etc.
Yes, AnnettePK,
Thanks for the good example of how they twist the truth.
I remember when my husband said he talked to our minister. He was implying something other than the truth… which was, as he passed him on the sidewalk, he said hi. My ex lied mostly by omission and implication, sometimes directly when he says I drove him to it because I “asked questions”.
It sounds like we have the same ex. Mine said, “on the advice of (minister’s name), blah blah blah.” Ex Socio took something the minister said in a sermon completely out of context, and passed it off as personal advice given. And yes, ex Socio always blamed me for his lies, saying “I had to lie because you…(fill in the blank).”
I can see how it would send you in a tailspin. Consider not doing anything. Try not to feel pressured to react. He is trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to. He’s not offering anything concrete; it’s pretty much word salad, and we fill in the blanks because we assign logic and meaning that isn’t there. If he was for real, there would be no hurry for you to do anything. Give yourself some time to recover, to focus on yourself, to carefully think about what he’s written and what it really means (nothing).
I spent years reacting to my ex P. My son said I was like “a puppet on a string.” The last year he wanted to meet with me in June. I put him off until late October, and I agreed to meet him outside a Target store, so we wouldn’t be comfortable in a restaurant or coffee shop, so it wouldn’t drag on. He successfully pushed my buttons, I reacted to a bunch of crap he said. He stormed off shouting lies at me; long story but I was set up so he could justify telling the ministry lies about me. I learned that I cannot ever learn to withstand his emotional and spiritual assaults – that I must stay away from him. It’s the only way for me.
Sadly, I did react and got sucked back in, only for him to tell me how pathetic I was and then I told him I hope he rots in hell, real grown up of me huh? I am so angry at him, myself for doing it. I am very sure he will never contact me again and I guess that is good. He called me holier than thou, and said he was happy I reminded him just how happy he was not to have me in his life. Going through this for three years, he always would react this way when he wasn’t getting his way. Did you just want them to be miserable? Sadly, they wont be because they see nothing wrong within themselves. I am wrecked, he cheated on me, and then made it my fault and drew me in and spit me out again
tamikaye2…oh, no…are you kidding me?? I hate to say it, but this is why advice is given. Everyone told you not to contact him. I am not saying this to make you feel badly, but to make you realize that we all knew what we were talking about. I am sorry…this is just a sore spot for me because I have given advice to more than one friend in the past few months and they never listen and then they get burned. I guess it makes me feel like I am trying so hard to protect people and they just don’t listen. It then makes me want to give up trying. I am so very sorry this happened to you, but at least now, you KNOW once and for all what he is and KNOW to never, ever go back with him or have contact with him. And you know…perhaps this is exactly what you needed to do to make you finally see. So I guess you breaking contact was really a blessing. You are in my thoughts.
Another thought…how does one go from telling you that you are his everything and he can’t live without you to telling you that you are pathetic??? He is an awful person…stay away!!
Ser, you are right. I should never had responded. He knew exactly how to draw me in and a small part of me was hoping that he really meant what he was saying. Which I now KNOW that he did not, he proved that when he turned from me being his everything to I’m pathetic. It is so hard to wrap your head around the fact that they say they love you, need you, etc. and not really mean it. But that was sure proven when he said I was pathetic. I had made such good progress and now starting over because I engaged. He was even trying to friend my parents on Facebook to get to me that way also. My mother always told me, “Tami, quit doing things the hard way.” Back at square one and I was starting to feel better about everything. I know in time I will again and the only way to get there is absolutely NO contact. Thank you, if it wasn’t for you guys here I don’t think I would have such a good head start.
tamikaye2…I know…it’s so hard and hurtful. It’s absolutely awful to think that maybe THIS time he means it. So we go back. We have all been there. It’s torture. It finally gets to the point though when we realize it is never going to change and that’s when change happens because we finally implement no contact. I am sorry…I know how hard it is and I feel bad that you are suffering, but eventually, the feelings go away. Sometimes, like for me, it takes a very, very long time, but you will get there.
I am so sorry for your suffering; it is the worst time you are going through. It took me awhile before I really believed that my ex P was not going to change. It is so hard to believe that anyone can really be as evil as they are.
Your Psycho might not contact you for awhile, but they seem to come back after a long time when the victim has somewhat ‘forgotten’ how bad it was with him, when the victim’s guard is down.