UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
You are so right. He definitely had it planned out so differently. He wanted to portray me as insane, mentally unstable, crazy …… Every plan against me which he worked out so diligently , actually backfired in a way he never imagined . After I started no contact, I did feel empowered and the ex totally underestimated me. For more than 20 years he has this control and all of a sudden he had to deal with powerful lawyer. His “cop status” did not come to the rescue. His retired army status did not matter. I, for once, had the weapons needed to reduce him to basically nothing. I had my doubt in the legal system at first, but slowly realized that there is justice. I cannot imagine him responding to a domestic violence situation as a police officer . He would have the victim sent to a mental place and defend the abuser. Absolutely , this crazy b….caused it all, she is just crazy. That would be his words.
I am sooooo glad this crazy maker is not my husband anymore. It was difficult at first but looking back it was such a blessing I was discarded. In a way he showed me a way out of it. He did not plan or think divorce. That was my ultimate victory. :).
I made a decision about the concert tomorrow. I decided to go but to just keep things at a friendship level and see how he behaves. I’m actually very excited about the concert and I think we will have a great time. He’s not a sociopath, but I’ll be looking for signs of narcissism. Of course, I always look for these tendencies in myself too, because I’ve been known to play games, even with him, if I’m being very honest. I have an excuse though. It’s because of my chin hairs. (LOL) Anyway, if he wants to be more than a friend, he will need to prove himself to me that he can be there for me even as a friend.
I am taking some mood supplements – St. Johns Wort and Rescue Remedy. It’s helped me feel so much more grounded and elevated my mood back to normal. If you’re not one for antidepressants, as I’m not, I recommend this combination.
Stargazer, I am new here but have to say something and hope it’s not too late. Please rethink going to the concert!! You are playing with fire.
I was in my early 40’s when I met my ex and I thought the same thing as you, “what can it hurt to just go as friends?” You are NOT dealing with a normal guy, he is evil and the more time you spend with him the deeper he gets into your psyche. He is manipulating you, he has done nothing but disrespect you so far. By going now after telling him you were not waiting for him to make up his mind he knows you won’t follow through with your threats and he can treat you like shit and as soon as he is even a little bit nice you will give in.
You think you are in control but you obviously aren’t because you are going with him after saying you had enough. When he was ignoring you he was a sociopath, then he gives you a call and he turns into “just a narcissist”. Narcissist, sociopath, psychopath are all in the same category in the DSM. All sociopaths and psychopaths are narcissistic, you don’t know if they are “just a narcissist or a sociopath” until it is too late. A narcissist is just as destructive as a psychopath, they may not kill you (the verdict is out on that one) but they will annihilate you financially, emotionally and mentally.
You are already making excuses and taking blame, from the outside its like watching you on the train tracks with a train barrelling down on you and we are all screaming to get off the tracks but you have your ear plugs in and can’t hear anything.
Good luck!! I wish someone would have warned me this early in the relationship and I hadn’t had to learn the hard way.
“just seeing what happens” led to 10 years of abuse, infidelity, lies, financial devastation, PTSD, a heart condition, and I left with $5, my dog and ended up sleeping in my truck. 3 years since leaving he is still trying to ruin my life even though he has a new widow he is bleeding dry.
Forget it, LWAT. Stick a fork in her because she’s already cooked.
If you read all of what she’s written, It’s a perfect case study/example of what we all did really, minus perhaps the “games” she admits to playing herself, and, well…we all had to learn for ourselves how it all turns out now didn’t we.
But WOOOOO WILLLY….my what a high price that little bit of education costs us, eh?
She can’t see it now and probably won’t until it’s too late (if it isn’t already too late) and the unrecoverable ‘cost’ for her also will be:
-Loss of the best years of her life
-Emotional damage
=Financial devastation
-weeks, months, or years of oppression
-The constant see-saw of shame/bewilderment and uncertainty/guilt that she’s ALREADY FEELING and will CONTINUE TO FEEL as it only gets worse over time and he further figures her out
-damaged children
-physical illnesses and possibly a shortened lifespan due to the heinous amounts of daily stress that her body will now be conditioned to accepting as ‘normal’ thanks to copious amounts of daily self denial when the reality is that her ‘situation’ is so utterly SNAFU that it’ll almost be beyond her comprehension how she even got here and, MOST IMPORTANTLY… that her only solution is to RUN
-The lies to, and isolation from, extended family and once long time friends
-Possibly having to take a punch or five
-Having to possibly watch her children also do the same
Why, it hardly seems worth it for a Peter Frampton concert now, duzznit?
Or maybe Peter Frampton live and in concert really is just that good….I don’t know because I never saw him….Guess we’ll just have to wait and see and let her be the judge of that.
Oh and…Stargazer?….the fact that you have to self medicate before you deal with this man….is about as big a warning sign/internal alarm that your fantastically smart and self preserving body will ever or could ever give you so, consider yourself ‘warned’.
You’ve been warned.
You are right dogbone. You put it so well. I have never seen peter frampton either but I danced with the devil.
I was a slow learner, I think this stuff needs to be taught in school along with the other life skills they teach the kids, an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It would be so much better to prevent women from getting involved with these soul suckers to begin with than to try to piece them back together once he is done with them.
Ladywithatruck, you summed up my experience perfectly, except for me, it was “only” 7 years. I said exactly the same thing – I was just seeing what happens.
It lead to the rug being pulled out from under my entire life and being left feeling skinned alive. Three years later still trying to put the pieces back together.
Thanks for sharing.
hanaleiMoon, Thank you! I can relate to still trying to put your life back together after 3 years, but even though I still struggle I don’t recall ever enjoying life more than I do now. To not walk on egg shells, life is hard enough without the person you love sabotaging you at every turn. A person really appreciates the simple pleasures of life once they break the chains.
Dear LadyWithATruck, I totally congratulate and admire you for being able to claim $5, your dog, and a truck.
Somebody should have taught us that some rapes go on and on. They’re not an Event, they’re a Condition.
Worth quoting from your post: “…the more time you spend with him the deeper he gets into your psyche.”
No Contact, thanks for your comment; You are so right when you say some rapes go on and on and on. Over 3 years out and the smear campaign continues still.
Stargazer….nooooooo don’t do it. I started out as a friend and confidant to this poor lost soul. Never, ever did I think it would go anywhere. I was working to get him back with his so called evil wife….and i was happily married. Before I knew it I was totally sucked in. It went on for 4 miserable years before I knew he was a sociopath with all 19 traits of a sociopath. I was broken, and betrayed. If I knew what was happening to me early in the relationship I would have ran like hell.
Stargazer….nooooooo don’t do it. I started out as a friend and confidant to this poor lost soul. Never, ever did I think it would go anywhere. I was working to get him back with his so called evil wife….and i was happily married. Before I knew it I was totally sucked in. It went on for 4 miserable years before I knew he was a sociopath with all 19 traits of a sociopath. I was broken, and betrayed. If I knew what was happening to me early in the relationship I would have run like hell.
Hi Friends, totally random thought popped into my head this morning and wanted to share”
My ex had this thing he used to tell me – “I’ve always got my finger in your belt loop”. To elaborate, he said it meant that he always had my back, always was protecting me, making sure I was safe, taken care of, never had to worry about anything, would always be ok.
I’ve read that psychopaths use imagery as one of their tools to keep us hooked and this sure worked for me. I LOVED it. I gave him everything he needed to create this for me – I told him I had never felt safe with any men I had been involved with. I’m sure he dug it out of me, but it feels like I fed it to him.
After mini-discards, he would always pull this out, telling me he had tried to hang on but (insert whatever reason here) I had yanked his finger out, even though I knew it was “bad for me” and had I learned my lesson never to do it again. Of course, I always swore I had (and now I know I had done nothing to “make” this happen, it was all crazy talk).
When we bought the new house together he started telling me he could see I was trying to yank his finger out of the loop again, and that if “our dynamic changed, this would not work” (I remember the exact words). Just a part of the set up that I was too”whatever”to even notice at the time.
I haven’t thought of this concept in literally years. I have no idea why it popped into my head this morning. Just wanted to share. Thanks.
HanaleiMoon,
Maybe it popped into your head because you recognized comment made that were manipulation, where words meant one thing but were instead intended to goad a response?
I had this conversation with my therapist because it really bothered me that my ex would made seemingly innocuous statements in front of people, but I knew they meant something else, and I felt dread. He was essentially warning me, and making me to blame for HIS abuse.
You describe the same dynamic, whereby your ex says something that was supposed to be reassuring, but is instead a warning that he was going to abandon you and BLAME YOU for the outcome of his abandonment and the reality that he was NOT reliable, not loyal, not faithful. It kinda reminds me of a famous person, Sandra Bullock, who believed and even said the words, that her husband “had her back” when she won an academy award, and then found out that he was a complete sham, that he’d captured her heart with that phrase and made her feel secure but it was just a line from a jerk.
As you wrote…. part of the set up… and used as I say, as “the stick to beat you with”, a emotional device.
Anyhoo, I asked my therapist about this type of manipulation. The reason it works is because everyone does it. That is, everyone uses metaphors as a device to communicate. The difference is INTENT. We use them to connect, a sociopath uses them as a form of emotional trauma (i.e. The stick to beat us with). And yes, you are right. You did NOTHING to “make” his abandonment happen. He was just blaming you for HIS abusive behavior, which is another emotional trauma that sociopaths – and my ex – did on a regular basis.
Just had to write as I really need support. I have not been on the blog in some time as my mom passed away. I have been so hurt my mom was the only support I had to cry to. After she died..my sociopath ex asked if he could attend the funeral
I told him no. He broke my moms heart too.
a few days after she died he started texting me saying he was ending things with his coworker . He asked me to meet him. I did. He kissed me and we had a hour long talk. I told him I couldn’t believe the things he had done. He said he promised to be better and would end things with her by that week. That he loved me.
I waited until the end of the week. I was home on bereavement. He said he would be over by noon
The day.he said he was coming to talk noon rolled around. And nothing. I sent him a text simply saying that I was not taking lies and he responded he had to work. That it was last minute. The nerve he had to try to come back to me. ..say he was ending it with her.i don’t understand. I told him I had enough and sent his messages to his ho bag.
he flipped out and said he was never speaking to me again. if he was ending things with her why would it matter. He lied again. My fault but I just lost my mom and wanted to be near him as comfort. He said I deserve karma I got when my mom died. He then said he was staying with his slut
and changed his phone number. Because she made him. After she saw he was still texting me. It is so mean. He was close to my mom and this is what he does to me a week after she dies
Oh taralav, I am so sorry. 🙁 Please know that your Mom’s death is not your “bad karma” or anything you “deserved” to have happen.
Of COURSE you wanted comfort from him when it happened! and it was natural for you to momentarily forget what an A** he is, since you would have dropped every dispute to stand at his side if it had been his own mom who passed away.
It has been over 40 years since my mom died, my boyfriend of many years didn’t make it to the service. I chalked that up to the fact we were so young, but am embarrassed to tell you that I didn’t seem to learn much from the experience, as my X would probably have done the same thing — 30 years older than my BF was at the time.
Take it easy on yourself! and don’t hassle with anything. The ONLY good thing about our mother’s death is that it can only happen once. Beating ourselves up about it or anything else can go on and on, but only if we let it. Please don’t, taralav! you’re a wonderful person and deserve the best of life, my heart goes out to you at this time, and I agree that he’s a total scumbag to add a single OUNCE to your grief.
Sheesh! some people…..
taralav, just a note to let you know I’m thinking of you and praying you’re doing ok.
Taralev
Remember they do not have feelings, empathy, compassion , love, none of it. It does not matter to them if a lived one dies. My ex used to say “this is what happens in life”.
And I am so very sorry about your loss. You will not get any comfort from him. Even he was not with his new “supply”. They don’t have that part of their brain, it’s missing , never developed. There is no medication, no therapy , no nothing to cure them. The only option you have is to leave , divorce or have them leave you. Why would you want him back?
You should not send the other woman any texts at all. She really has nothing to do with it. It is him who betrayed and lied to you. She has no obligation to you and is probably just a whore. By you texting her you make everything worse. Believe me, it might sound harsh me saying it, but it’s the truth. He might put another injunction against you. Judges hate it, if you will be in court on the same issue again.
Stay away from him and her and let the past go. This guy is no good for you.
No contact. You must be strong if you want to get better. If you stay in contact you will always go a step backwards until you are his doormat again. Please take my advice. I have so much power and control now after I divorced him and stayed no contact. I am the one now laughing about what an idiot and loser he is. It is a million times better than being the victim
Please stay strong. I feel so bad for you.
kaya, I’m thrilled for you, you’re a heroine (the kind one doesn’t shoot up, haha)! 🙂
I have missed your advice kaya..I think I have been in such shock my mom is gone I went to what was familiar to me. I know he won’t change I even talked to donna on the phone. I just don’t understand why he.did it. Why hurt someone again at their lowest point?
taralav, I’m so sorry to say that the answer is: Because he can.
Powerless, damaged people damage others in search of power. You know that, and would remind others if they illustrated similar incidents in search of your counsel — but just now you’re too demolished to accept it.
Take time to grieve, and do stay away from him, he’s acting like a creep because you’re down for the moment, and kicking those who’re down is yet another facet of their ghastly disorder.
oh taralav
He is absolutely awful.
You are in a very vulnerable place and you need a person of authority to put you on solid ground. Maybe you need to talk to Donna again?
In the meanwhile, I can answer you, if you are able to receive the answer:
He is behaving just as the being that he is. He is predictable. He is understandable. He is a sociopath.
The problem is… you keep seeing him as your heart sees him. Your heart is emotional. But he has NOTHING to do with heart and positive emotions. His being is predatory, he FEEDS off of tender, vulnerable feelings. It makes him powerful and victorious that his being doesn’t need emotions. He uses your heartache as PROOF that his contempt is the correct path for him in life.
Why hurt someone AGAIN at their lowest point?
He did it because in his perspective, it’s ALL about HIM. It wasn’t about your feelings, your heartache, your betrayal. As a predator, your feelings are FOOD for his consumption. Your lowest point is the sweetest meat. He feasted on the emotions of your soul. That’s why sociopaths are also known as vampires of our souls, they drain the lifeforce from us.
It is YOUR JOB to protect yourself from soul destroyers. That’s why NC is so important. Because NC gets you to your ultimate task: to keep your soul safe.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I know the emptiness and how alone it makes you feel. And even though you feel that way, the truth is, you are not alone. Yes, we are strangers here on LF, but we are also kindred spirits. We can offer you support and understanding because we have been in your shoes. I am sorry we can’t be there physically but we hear you and we answer. No wondering. We answer with care and compassion. You might have to wait for someone to see your post, but we will answer.
I do hope you have someone to stay with you, to hold your hand, to nurture you, to keep you company. And Donna is available, or perhaps you’ll try a therapist, and you can hear the sound of their voice, to reassure you that you are being heard and are not alone, especially at this turn in your life, this turn that happens at the same time as a sociopath jerks your heart and soul.
If you don’t object, I will send my prayers for you, and whatever comfort that you can feel. I know you are numb, and hurting so much at the same time. I hope you cut him off and never give him another piece of your valuable hearts being. Keep you for own self. You are the being that matters.
All my best,
fake name, real person, so sad for you.
Taralev
Sorry I was busy with the last parts of my divorce. I hate it what he is doing you. In the midst of the worst time of your life he puts blame on you. Who would steep that low ?
Remember, when my father was dying and I was crying, I was told “go look into the mirror how ugly you look”. Not a hug, a comfort, a shoulder to lean on. Nothing.
I know what you are going through and no matter how many times he tells you stuff, it’s a lie. They are not only cheaters, they are liars. They are the enemy.
For me, listening to Christian songs, memorizing scripture , putting my faith in god has helped me to let go. To this day he attacks me occasionally. Like the note I received in the mail “questioning “my” God ” It’s all worked jabber. Anything that comes out of their mouth is worthless. You know what I do with these notes, I file them away in a folder labeled “evil”.
I feel so bad for you, what he put you through and even attacks and blames you about your moms passing. Don’t answer his calls and texts. He will never, ever value your words. So don’t waste your time and try to be better for yourself only.