UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
And I have done the exact same as you. For the first few months after the discard I texted him, I begged him to come home, I would have forgiven him for cheating, I would have taken him back. Because I was not able to see the truth. I had to learn to see the evilness , the truth. It does not come overnight. Like I said that injunction woke me up and showed me, guided me to what actions I should take. Sitting in court after the injunction was dismissed, waiting for the court order , my attorney looked at me and said “are you ready for filing for divorce now or what would you want him to cook up next “, maybe some false criminal charges ?” That was my wake up call, my “I am so done moment”. This is when I enforced no contact. Only through lawyers. I hope this moment will come to you soon.
He does not care about you and he will never care about you. This is not what love is about. Now my ex send texts to my son “I don’t understand why you tie refuse to communicate with me ?” Unbelievable.
Taralev, please take my words , don’t look back and let him be. In a year or so you will be in control like me. I am finally free and I am sane and I have my peace. I never knew what awesome feeling that is, to be free from him. Because I did not know better. I had to learn it step by step. And you won’t be able to do that if you are in contact with me b
My prayers are with you.
Sorry. Spellcheck.
If you are in contact with him, I was meant to say.
omg, a word crime. 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc
Thank you. Yes I need prayers. I just can’t believe in the time of my.moms death.hes doing this to me. He said he didn’t mean anything he said. .that he just said it because he felt bad. He told me he was ending things and ready to be a good man to me. He pretending to cry over my mom on my shoulder but when I looked up at him there were no tears. Like it was fake. I cried because my mom would talk for hours with me helping me thru it. She had liver failure and died in two weeks we didn’t even know she was sick. She was 61. I can’t believe the evil 3 days after she died he did this to me.
taralav, I’m praying for you over here. What a terrible thing to happen, I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Please let me repeat that you didn’t do anything wrong. There are some things that we do not understand. As it happens, I am your Mom’s age — and looking back, I clearly see the shining stars of my life as my daughters — as I’m sure your Mom also saw you.
It would be such a wonderful world if we could conclude all our meaningful relationships in the right way. Since we can’t, I honor your decision to be a good daughter who loved her mother and will grieve deeply over her loss — as opposed to an obedient partner who looked the other way when confronted with disrespect and infidelity. Your mother raised a loving, compassionate, thoughtful woman! and must have been very, very proud of you.
I wish I could say that I feel “surprise” that he’s mistreating you just now but instead, all I feel is “pride” in your strength and the hope you find the support you deserve. You can do this, or it would not be in front of you! — but you don’t have to do it alone.
taralav, I am so, so sorry to hear that you lost your mom. I know what it is like to lose a parent and I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you will turn toward your family and true friends or even just inward to yourself, and away from your ex, who will only bring you more pain at a time when you have a lot to process. Things he says and does now will have double or triple hurt than they would have earlier”I know.
I am not making this about me, but I have a story that may help you turn away from him at this time.
Before the psychopath ex was in my life, I was married. My husband was probably a narcissist and maybe a sociopath, in retrospect. My dad had beat cancer once and when it returned, it was very bad”after some very bad months, we were told he had only a few days left to live. I had a lot going on – a relatively new marriage where we still had homes and jobs in two different cities, I had just moved to be close to my mom and dad and had started a new job the week before. Of course I kept my husband informed and he was very supportive (or so I thought). My dad died very early on a Saturday morning, and I waited until a reasonable time to call my husband (wtf?!). I got no answer. I called him several times over the day and left several messages, and never got a return call. In the late afternoon, my mom and I finally got to her house and were shellshocked. The phone rang and it was my husband”around 10 hours after I made the first call. My mom handed me the phone and I was so glad to hear my husbands voice, but before I had a chance to say anything (remember, he knew my dad only had a few days left and that this call would be coming) he reamed me”what was my problem, calling so many times, leaving so many messages (I only left messages to call me asap), couldn’t I be like normal people, leave one message and wait, he had been running errands and taking things to storage, why couldn’t I let him do his stuff like a normal person, everyone else could be normal but him blah blah blah. When he took a breath, I said quietly, G, my dad died this morning. He said he would get on a plane and be right there.
I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours. It turned out, he called his parents to tell them and they informed him that his grandfather had died about the same time my dad did”he flew to them, spent the night with them before he even called me again. By that time”I was beside myself.
We had no services for my dad. His grandfather, on the other hand, had a wake/viewing/funeral that rivaled the opening ceremonies for the olympics. I was at all of this (leaving my poor mother home alone) because I felt it was the right thing to do as his wife”and I set aside my grief and what I should have been doing to be there for him. At one point his mother (it was HER dad who had died), asked me “why the long face” and I said”my dad just died, I would think you’d understand”and she rolled her eyes.
I never said s##t about any of this to him. About two years later, he disappeared into thin air and I didn’t hear from him for over 9 months. I only saw him once after that. It took forever to get divorced because he couldn’t be found to be served and would never respond, but eventually, after FOUR court dates where he didn’t show, the judge approved it.
I would give anything to have those days back to spend them with my mom, instead of doing things, hoping for love, support, anything from a man who was a selfish ass who was never going to give me any of them. When my dad knew he wasn’t going to make it, he gave my husband his prized LA Dodgers jacket that had his name embroidered on it”my dad hardly ever wore it because it meant so much to him and he didn’t want to mess it up. My husband never gave it back to me.
Don’t do what I did. This is about YOU, and your love for your mom and your loss. DO NOT let him mess with you at this time. Please. There is no comfort there, only more cruelty to distract you from taking care of yourself. Don’t let his cruelty color this time for you forever”you will never be able to think of this time without going over what he said/did/didn’t do. I am living proof.
Hanalei, I so admire your candor and want to reassure you that you did your best at the time and what you thought was right. That’s ALL we are asked to do. We took an oath when we married, and you were trying to honor it, it was a Lose-Lose situation.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your father, he sounds like the Dad I wished I got! Many times, I’ve wondered if I re-created my “deadbeat dad” by marrying my X, and your story is a reminder that it’s not necessarily why he came into my life after all. “Back to the drawing board.”
what is the URL for the support group chat that’s tonite at 8pm EST?
I think its on a different website but it wass advertised on here. I was supposed to get a reminder email becuz i signed up for it. But i didn’t 🙁
Oh well, I guess no one else, who gets updates frequently, knows about this chat 2nite. I put it in my event calendar to remind me about it but I didnt think to put in the URL.
DAMN’T
well I was halfway super efficient–im getting better! 🙂
Sorry but I missed it, ain’t. I don’t recall getting a notice, but I had a few relatives visiting this week (read: had to clean the house, have 4 furry pets) and may not have caught it flying by.
Taralev
When I went through this difficult time, someone said to me “you never know how strong you are until it is the only choice you have.”
Please keep this in mind: He does feed of your emotions just like my ex did. He gets pleasure out of your pain. He gets satisfaction out of your tears. And when you are down he pushes you down further. He is the most evil person close to you.
If you don’t start the no contact he will destroy you.
Thank you. I just feel such a loss with my mom HOW could he LIE AGAIN in the death of my mom and come pretend he wanted to come back
3 weeks NC. he came by twice yesterday. i ignored the doorbell. now my mind is basically f*cking itself. help. his pop visit has caused me to feel extremely sad again, and jealous (why?), angry, and like i want to be able to demand answers from him about why he did what he did to me for four years (and it sucks to admit that I allowed it) and why did he show up again after 3 weeks from that last saturday that he basically tore me a new one for more than two hours, at the neighbors can hear volume level, about how awful of a parent I am (my grown children are all successful and without criminal records I might add) down to making up things like how I litter in his yard. huh? i’m unmarriable (tried that once and wouldn’t do it again anyway); he doesn’t know why he keeps staying with me unless it’s because he feels sorry for me.
I just had to let him rant that day, but i paid sickeningly close attention to his words and am using them to try and help me stay away from him. so today, again today i should say, i have to keep thinking of creepy things that tear me up inside in order to feel better about not being around him, while also having the dumb feeling of actually wanting to be around him because my mind tells me that i could talk some sense into him, and it would all be okay.
is his mind getting any pleasure by showing up for a pop visit, knowing that it will cause me to react to him? yes. i know this. and look at me…. i’m falling for it so much that i have to catch my own self. i think i need help. i have no one to give me the kind of pep talk that it takes to remember what these men did to us, and to not fall for the fantasy idea that they will magically convert to someone more human.
i want to stop thinking that if i open the door for him one more time that it would make a difference this time… i know it’s foolish thinking.
stuck in an emotional vortex. heart in a blender. this stinks 🙁
J
jenni marie, thanks for your message, I agree with kaya and hope you’ll be able to resist. Hang in there and count the ways he’s made you cry, you deserve better and you know it!
Jenni
I feel the same way…. my spath has spent hours crying and begging me to return, taking the blame for everything he thinks I know but that is what is giving me the power to stay NC – he only ever explains away what he knows that I know… The last time we talked he pulled out every card in the deck to persuade me that he’s a changed man and I felt extremely sorry for him, but deep down I know it’s just empty words and another bunch of promises that WILL be broken because his agenda isn’t pure. He needs me to go crawling back to look innocent in the eyes of the law while he shows himself as a loving husband = BULL DUST!
I’m feeling very alone today. I thought I’d fallen on my feet when my sister asked me to move into her unit under her house. She has MS and her husband works interstate so she needs someone to help, win/win I thought… yesterday she revealed every card in her deck! Laid a huge guilt trip on me because I sat down to enjoy one of my shows while I had a late lunch after work instead of doing all the jobs she wanted me to do for her. In a moment she made me feel isolated and alone and wondering why I ever left the spath to put up with this?
I got up at 4am in tears but after reading all the posts here I’m now even more determined to right the wrongs in my life and make it one of joy and harmony – I’m not letting anyone sink my boat EVER again. I’ll hang onto the painful thoughts I have, not to diminish me but to remind me that this is not the life I want for my selfish, I hope your pain can finally give you strength instead of chaos and here you have the people to help you x
Ironic,
Do you get free rent/utilites in exchange for helping out with your sister? If you do, all parties need to come up with an agreement on what’s a fair exchange. I am all for the barter system, but an open ended caretaking situation is too easy to exploit. You need to care enough about her to not let her be an exploitative kind of person, and care enough about yourself to be treated with dignity, even as you volunteer your assistance.
If your sister isn’t willing to make an agreement, you need to move. There are others who rent a room out of their home and make no other work demands.
Not
I agree, I need to explain to her that I need a break to. If I was a paid carer I’d be going home for a break and resting so I’ll chat with her this arvo, at the moment I’m hiding out in my little unit under the house lol
Jenni Marie
I don’t know your story. But congratulations for 3 weeks nc. Nc was the only way I survived this nightmare. I was married for over 20 years. I am now divorced. At the beginning I opened door many times for him. Even after I was discarded and blamed for his cheating and lying. Now I realize that every time he came by , he inflicted more pain on me. Every time he left the house, I was in tears. And you know what, after he accomplished all that he went to see his coworker/mistress. I bet they were laughing how pathetic I was, the so called “crazy” wife.
Well, I showed him what the consequences of his actions are. I divorced him, fought him for every penny he got and stopped all contact.
In the end he lost everything. His family, his home, his money, his integrity, the respect of the community. Oh yeah, he might have the co worker left. I am wondering if she still finds him hot and sexy with more than half of his income going to the ex wife.
I still feel like a gladiator. :).
I truly hope that others will have a favorable outcome like I did. Because I know we all deserve it.
Update: I want to thank everyone for your thoughtful and helpful comments. I wasn’t able to read all of them before I went. I ended up going, and though I ended up having a good time, I realized as soon as I got in the car with him that it would not work. I could see his narcissism. It hit me right in the face. He also said and did a few things at the concert that made me realize what he is. I know I’m a hopeless romantic and I can be a fool at times. Some day a man will come along who recognizes my beautiful heart and love me for it. But it’s not this guy. I’m very glad I went out with him – our first real actual date. It helped me snap out of denial. I probably always would have wondered.
The main thing that snapped me out of it was that we were chatting with some folks behind us at the show. He was telling them about all the bands he performs with. He mentioned a performance he did on April 30th with this woman he apparently sings with in a duet (I was unaware of that). I recalled that April 30th was right in the middle of the time that he disappeared from my life, claiming the murder of his friend made him retreat into a shell. He said he basically shut off his life for about 3 months. So I asked him last night, “Oh isn’t this when you were in your little shell?” He answered, “Well, I narrowed my circle.” That told me all I need to know. I felt foolish and hurt. There were a few other things he said and did that, even if I didn’t know him and it had been our first date, those little things would have put me off. Amazingly, I still had a good time. We danced together, had a few drinks and socialized. I let him hold my hand and even kiss me, because those things felt good, though I was feeling deeply disappointed and hurt. I never showed my deeper feelings to him. And I knew it would be our last date when he kissed me good night.
I’m still hoping he will email me the pictures from the show; they turned out great. But other than that, I will never go out with him again. The only conversation I may have with him is if he calls and asks me out, I’ll tell him it’s not going to work out between us and wish him the best.
I’m not worried about him stalking me. He apparently is a big party boy with women all over the place. I doubt he’ll even give me another thought.
I keep learning.
Star, I had to share this story with you for a snicker:
I accept a date for a Rolling Stones concert (it’s 1980 and we are all sure they are going to die soon, right?). The date disappears for an hour before the concert, leaving me at a coffee shop in a fine restaurant and telling me he has to “visit a friend for a minute” while we’re in town.
We finally get to the concert, where he rolls up a dollar bill, sticks it into a full business-sized envelope of cocaine! and sniffs it up. Turns out he’s secretly a drug dealer, and I’m too stupid to notice.
I went through the whole concert expecting to be busted at any moment just for sitting beside him. Which, by the way, was the smelliest experience that I can recall. 🙂
I’m glad you survived! and hope you also had a good time “regardless.”
Oh and here’s a funny anecdote from the evening spent with a narcissist. On the way there and back, he was playing CDs that either he or his friends were singing and performing in. (I had no choice but to listen). So on the way back, he was playing some music where the vocals sounded like him singing (he is a musician on top of his day job). So I asked if it was him singing. “Very observant,” he answered. So I asked him (chuckle chuckle), “So do you always listen to your own CDs or are you just showing off?” He said, “Oh it just came up in the rotation.” (Sure – LOL)
If I were driving someone somewhere, I would ask them, “Do you want to hear something?” or “Do you mind if I play this special CD” etc. I would not just subject the passenger to my taste in music. But that’s just me. I CERTAINLY wouldn’t play my own CDs with me singing. (And I DO have a few of those).
i dunno. i mite play a cd of me singing. if i could sing lol
but im kyna weird like that :p
see my self-worth is pretty up there, it’s been my self- respect that sucked all along :0
glad to hear you’re doing good, Star.