UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hi all
My spath has downloaded a course in repairing your marriage. He’s been looking at material that says; how to win your wife back, how to get your partner to come crawling back and tge one that scares me is; how to break no contact situation and what text messages to send to guarantee they respond.
Should I be worried? The website and course is from a guy called Ryan Rivers, has anyone heard anything about this?
ironic,
He’s looking to up his game. I mentioned the mantra of my ex: “Submit or Be Destroyed”. Your spath is seeking new material to do battle with you. (eeewww, how to get your partner to come crawling back? what right minded person THINKS that way?)
Your response is clear and consistent. NO CONTACT. EVER. Report threats to the police. They don’t have to do anything, just get threats logged into a legal record.
Not
Creepy alright! I know he’s got an agenda that’s not so pure because he’s been the best teacher I’ve ever had with recognising the signs of deception so I’m not playing his games. NC all the way!
If you’re doing NC, then you would change your phone number, email address, social media, ANYTHING–or block him. So then he can’t send that “wondertext” that gets you to respond. Or he can, but you’ll never see it. If you’re playing a game then you won’t change anything or block him.
You also can, of course, throw out any mail or refuse any package he sends to the house if he knows where you live. Maybe throwing out the package would be better as a refusal/return to sender is seen as communication–to a spath.
It’s nothing to be scared of. If you truly want to go NC. If you don’t, he will of course, get thru to you, thru ur defenses. And you will be in hell again.
NC is very hardcore and unforgiving–you can’t rationalize with it. There is no gray areas. You either are NC or you’re not.
And the spath knows which you are.
ain’t.
great advice. Addtionally, when I left my ex, I got a PO Box.
I’m on the fence about the package thing. Seems to me if she just throws it out, the spath would assume she got it, not a desirable outcome. Whereas if she gave it to the shipping company, THEY could mark it as undeliverable. Not her handwriting, and the NC would be equal to the same kind of block that the spath sees via socialmedia or phone.
Aint
It’s so unfair! I’ve moved out of my home, spent hours, days and weeks changing addresses on everything, my name, email addresses, blocking him and removing potential spys from all social media and now I have to change my mobile number too – one I’ve had for 17 years! Being self employed and having built an extensive network of people that only have that number to fall back on to contact me, well that scares me more than the spath!
Yikes, ironic! is all I can say!! A stalkers’ course?!
Nocontact
Stalker course also crossed my mind!
Ironic,
I haven’t heard of this specific material nor of Ryan Rivers, but there is stuff like this and just about anything you can think of on the web. I think it’s good that you are aware that he downloaded this so that you know where he is coming from when he contacts you. You won’t be tempted to wonder if he’s changed or if he means what he says. And you won’t be taken by surprise.
I think it warrants being concerned and vigilant. It means that he’s thinking about you and he wants you back, which could be dangerous to you. Statistically, when an abused woman leaves is the most dangerous time for her. To be as safe as possible, continue NC, practice greyrock, stay off social media that’s visible to the public or anyone who might show it to him or tell him about it, and avoid doing anything that could provoke his crazy mind. Don’t do or say anything that he might hear about that could provoke him. It would be best if he didn’t know where to find you, and if you laid low so that you don’t even exist as far as he is concerned.
Stay safe.
It has been 14 days exactly my mom died..she was way too young. My spath was close with her and I just am so upset and sick that he used my mothers death to discard again.
I didn’t ASK him to talk..he came to ME. saying he was ending it with her. It is evil they should all be locked away. He said I am mean and vindictive to have sent his ho bag girlfriend his messages.
Why wouldn’t I tell her? Hes lying to her too. I just have had enough. I have not done one mean thing to him…he HATES me and it bothers me. I was cheated on..I was left with all the bills…no cable..no nothing. And I did nothing mean to him.
I handled it with as much grace as I could without killing him. I cried every night with my mom. Shes gone..and he is still hurting me 2 weeks after shes passed.
I know all my friends on here say you cant get even with a spath. There has to be justice. He cant continue this
Annette
He doesn’t want me back, he needs me back. If I go back then he will look innocent in everyone’s eyes. I’ll look like I’d made a huge mistake by leaving or like some crazy woman that engineered a stealth move while he was at football all to get his attention – a spoilt brat. Not only that but his need to appear as the perfect husband and father during his court battle on child sexual assult charges…I’m onto his game but I’m not playing so it’s NC all the way for me!
The stakes are high for him to ‘get you back.’ I discern that this potentially puts you in danger. It keeps you in his focus, even though you’re NC and not feeding him anything. Would it benefit him if you had an ‘accident’ and were completely out of the picture? Consider that he has no internal brakes in the form of a conscience or notion of responsibility to stop him from doing anything he thinks he can get away with.
Maintaining NC is a good start to protecting yourself. If you have access to his computer use you’ll know if he moves on from ‘how to get an ex back’ to ‘how to harm someone and get away with it’ or ‘how to hire a hit man.’
Anything you can do to keep him from knowing where you are and what you do, your patterns of activity, is worthwhile. He could be randomly following you, or he could have someone else following you. Consider not ever going anywhere where you could be vulnerable, like deserted places.
I haven’t been on here blogging in awhile because everything died down when I left my sp back in early June. I went to Peurto Rico and then traveled home out of state for the remaining summer(I am a teacher so I have summers off). I heard nothing from the sp, he knew he was caught with his now ex fiance and me, he had nothing left to say. Well now as I am getting ready to head back home because school starts in a couple weeks, he is contacting me over some stupid crap!
Last Saturday he called me at 1am. He is blocked on my cell but it still showed that he attempted to call me. Then he (I believe it was him) tried calling me twice from a restricted number. I didn’t answer. Well yesterday he sent me a text. He wants some amateur painting of Bob Marley and a 5 gallon of paint he says he left at my house. I think I do have the painting but not sure about the the gallon of paint. He was always really good about leaving his belongings at my house as a way to get back to see me. I tried breaking up with twice and he always used threats of getting his stuff back or else. Really? After almost two months of no contact, your cheap self wants to get in contact with me over this stuff. Why can’t you let it go like I had to face the loss of wasting my time over a piece of crap like you for a year? I feel there is a hidden agenda and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t responded at all yet. I am waiting to see if he is going to get nasty over text msgs about these unpriceless things. If so I might have to make arrangements, but how? I leave to go back home this weekend and I don’t want him showing up to my house. I am assuming he might have already showed up and I wasn’t there. I don’t want him coming to my house announced and he has a great track record of doing this when I was dating him. I don’t know what to do? Any wise suggestions?
Downwitfakerastas – Do you have his address? Ship him the painting and a money order for the value of the paint. Ask for delivery confirmation.
Excellent advice from Donna. Anything else you do like waiting to see what he does is engaging you and that is what he wants. Psychopaths always have hidden agendas and they are always bad for their victims.
Continue NC, which you can do if you ship him the painting and the paint. You can head off future contacts from him about stuff if you ship him anything else you can find that belongs to him.
Down with
Drop it off to a friend of his ir a local shop that you are friends with and give them a couple of dollars to ring him and ket him know he can pick it up from there…don’t let him in your house!
Thanks Donna, Ironic and Annette,
I travel back home tomorrow, I will look to see if I even have the paint. But mailing it to his address is a good idea. He hasn’t contacted me since the text on Tuesday, it has only been two days, but I think he is figuring that I blocked him altogether and that he knew I was traveling home and that is why Im not responding back. He should know that I go back to teaching in September so he could show up announced around that time and just wait it out. Arrrghhh I just thought I was out of the woods with this guy and I was dealing with my anger issues, now this 🙁
Actually I just realized I have no idea if he is at his same residence. His ex fiance was paying his rent and everything for him, so I don’t know if he is still there. He was always good at adapting, moving around, changing cell numbers……I don’t know how I could find out if he still lives there other than contacting him. I was never friends with his friends, he never introduced me to many people(red flag, because they knew his fiance and he didn’t want to mix that up)so I can’t call any of them to find out if he still lives there. I do have the ex’s number but I don’t know if she went back to him or just doesn’t want to bothered.
Downwith
Grr! My spath never included me nor introduced me to his friends, only socialized with my friends….red flag alright! I’ll know next time.
Good luck with your dilemma, you have his number so drop it off some place and get them to contact him 😉
Taralev
I just read your recent post. I am do very sorry for you losing your mom. It is heartbreaking to read that even now he is so evil to you. What i have learned in this journey is that there is absolute no revenge. The closest thing to revenge would be the no contact and just living well. Not responding to him or not answering his texts will switch control from him to you. And keep letting him back into your life will undo all the healing and recovery. Everytime you communicate you take a step backwards. I have been there . He caused me so much pain after the discard because i let him.
I have no contact over a year now. And i am almost completely healed. There are times when i think about the past. Not often though and mire and more the evilness and abuse is what i remember. Not the good times because they were not real. Nothing was real with him, it was all a lie. Never ever again
Please take good care of yourself.
Taralav, please let me add just one thought to kaya’s wise post:
Your question to the board has now been answered. You asked, is he a spath? or just a jerk? “Was it me?” in other words, “Was I too confrontational, argumentative, or the B word that he called me?”
ONLY a spath would re-do the break-up, upon the death of your mother. So there’s your answer.
Whatever human imperfections you may have had as a partner, they had NOTHING to do with his disorder. In fact, it’s likely that you are an especially kind and compassionate person, loyal and faithful to the core. That sort of person is their favorite target, and once they get you to believe (even for just a minute) that you are nuts or a bad person, they’ve Gotcha! and spend the rest of whatever time you’ll give them, pulling you ruthlessly down into the muck or at least giving it a real good try.
You know that warm feeling inside that you get when you help some little kid ride the toy pony at the grocery store? They don’t get it. Worse, maybe they get more out of watching the kid fall off mid-ride — and what could be more threatening than being in a relationship with that?!
Your being grossed-out is a good thing, it means you’re starting to wake up. It hurts, but now at least you can see where you’re going and can plot a course forward. Waking up in a sewer is OK, we’ve all been there too! — and it beats the heck out of pretending we’re someplace else or wondering if we’re “just seeing things.”
Hang in there, dear!
kaya, I have noticed that you used to quote the exact number of days NC and now it is “over a year now”. Bravo. I used to imagine you, making an “X” and filling in the number on a calendar.
Congratulations, friend! You are my hero. I mean it.
Thank you for your response I know that he is evil. My mom is gone and I feel like I ruined 6 months of her life. Her last ones. Because of the spath. My mom cried when I did. She was there forbme and this jerk tried to come back to me 3days after she died. I called him out right away and told his new victim. I am the one now who is in the wrong. He hates me for telling her. I have a right. He has tortured me.so long. I can’t believe my mom is gone.and the evil he is still doing. These people should be locked away
We can’t change the past, but you can do differently in the present and in the future. Don’t let your ex ruin any more of your life or your loved ones’ lives. I think your mom cared about you and she does not regret being there for you. Even though she emphasized with your pain, it probably did not ruin the past 6 months for her. Now she would want you to have a good life, to be happy, and not want you to let your ex hurt you any more.
Regardless of whether you have a right to act, consider doing what is best for you without regard for your ex. Don’t give him another opportunity to torture you again. Try to leave him behind as you move forward in your life. Give yourself time to grieve your losses.
Prayers for peace for you.
thank you Annette..i am so lost without her
yes taralav, they should be locked away, just as you said.
It was too terrible to mention before, but here’s my own story about my spath and my mom’s death:
After my mom died young, I didn’t take care of her ashes as I should have. No excuses, just that I was 19 and didn’t know what to expect. The cemetery called me but I didn’t go, and the years passed.
When I turned 50, I wanted to find out what happened to the ashes and do what I should have 30 years before. My best friend called the cemetery about my mission after I shared it with her — and later explained to me compassionately and sensitively that, when I didn’t show up as I should have, the ashes were placed into a Garden of Remembrance there at the cemetery. She made me feel OK (as much as possible) about not fulfilling my duty as a daughter at 20, and that Mom’s ashes had been in safe hands all along anyway.
Not knowing that my girlfriend had made the call and told me what happened to the ashes, the man to whom I’d been married 20 years at the time gave me the information on my 50th birthday by saying, “I called, and they said your mom was put in a mass grave.”
No, we were not quarreling at the time, and YES, these people should be locked away. I will always be angry at his family for not warning me how disturbed he was before we got married.
I wish I could make up to our daughters all that my spath has stolen from them. He didn’t have the chance to steal anything more from my Mom than her dignity, so that’s what he took.
NoContact- Thank you for sharing your story with me. You were so young that was not your fault. You poor thing- you were in shock I am sure and didn’t know what to do.
My moms ashes are with my sisters now next to each other. I am hoping to find a nice urn and combine them. It is so heartbreaking- I have been in shock and now it is wearing off. I just have to try to get thru each day.
My mom was like my best friend. she was close to my ex and I know what he did to me took a great toll on her. She cried when I cried. which was all the time. I feel like I ruined the last 6 months of her life when she was alive
over him. a idiot creep like him. Now she is gone and I cant go back. He has ruined my life. He tells me everyday how much it is MY fault and how much he despises me.
I never hurt him..i never cheated. I raised his kids and took care of him thru all his lies.
Dear Taralav,
THANK YOU so very much for your healing words! they mean a lot to me. Mom only lived 50 years total so when I reached that age myself, it felt like a new Frontier and I didn’t want to waste a minute — but having the X reveal himself has at times made me wish that I hadn’t had the extra years after all. I was happier before I saw the mess I was in, ha.
Naturally these are difficult memories, and it’s awful to know that our relationships with our spaths tarnished other memories and ties that we hold dear.
It is traditional for them to blame us. In 30 years, my X never delivered a genuine expression of gratitude or apology. He would be “sorry it happened” and issue other sleights-of-tongue but never was accountable for a single one of the continuing messes he made in all our lives.
I am old enough to have seen “the worm turn” and to have heard in particular from two old-old boyfriends who refused to marry me and went on to create disaster elsewhere. Your spath has not ruined your life! rather, you are a child of the Universe whose spirit is strong and well-balanced, and are wise to have seen at the front end what I didn’t allow myself to perceive until after giving him 2 beautiful daughters to abandon. Kick! Kick! That’s my fanny and my foot. 🙂
Thanks again for the understanding words, taralav. It’s one of those things that we can never do over again, to properly care for our mother’s remains. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your sister as well as your mom, and believe that both can see from Heaven how you’ve used your sorrow to further your own understanding and help others along the path. XOX
taralav, please let me add that I found a lot of wisdom in a book called Motherless Daughters. We tend to have a lot of feelings in common since there is such a special bond between mothers and their girls. It’s dreadful that he isn’t laying off the insults even now, much less expressing support for your losses.
If he were to accept fault for a single thing in your relationship, it might open Pandora’s Box, so he keeps the lid on tight. He despises you for exposing him to a glimpse of himself inside the box, a bundle of inconsistencies for which someone must be held accountable. First option: you. Next up: his new friend and infinite others. Last to be considered: himself.
NoContact, sending you a big hug. I don’t know what else to say.
Thanks, Hanalei!!! and here is one right back again:
(__________________) No words needed. 🙂
I have a lot of regrets, especially the damage my ex spath did to my son, and the huge waste in my life and those close to me when the spath was around.
Your mom was not put in a mass grave. Her ashes were placed in a memory garden. She is not her ashes; she is elsewhere. The memory garden is not unusual. I know of folks who choose this for their ashes, for example a memory garden in the church yard they attended. As far as the spath taking her dignity, when you consider it he only did 2 things: made himself look like the jerk he is, and annoyed you which was his goal. It wasn’t about your Mom, if he was anything like my ex P, he would have attacked you using whatever issue was available. At that point in time it just happened to be your Mom’s ashes and he knew it was something that mattered to you so out of his jealousy and desire to harm, he used it against you. Nothing to do with your Mom. Really nothing to do with you, either, since to the spaths we victims are completely interchangeable.
Funerals, burials, cemeteries, are for those of us who mourn to help us process our grief, to honor the memory of those who have passed on. Even though you regret not having done differently with your Mom’s ashes, it’s pretty normal for a 19 year old not to have the knowledge and resources to handle things in the way you would now. Perhaps there are some things you can do now to honor your Mom’s memory. Consider places and things she cared about, perhaps places and things she shared with you and others close to her, from which you could find a way to memorialize her.
AnnettePK
I LOVE your reply to NoContact… Common sense, truth, and compassion. You are so right, that jerk emotionally assaulted her using what mattered to her…Classic sociopathic move.
Common sense, truth, and compassion, defend us from the spaths’ endless lying manipulations that twist our thoughts into believing their lies, blaming ourselves, worshiping them, accepting abuse, and feeling like crap and not understanding why.
Yes, classic sociopathic move. Normal would be to help his wife cope with her regrets, reassure her, and support her mission to honor her Mom’s memory.
Dear Annette,
I appreciate your, taralav, Not and Hanalei’s replies beyond measure and will be printing out this series from the thread for safekeeping. Your thoughts are wise, comfortingly and loving, thank you for them!
While I “saw” my spath’s true nature many earlier times, that particular comment was one that especially stuck with me, being so UNwise, comforting and loving!! It was almost refreshing years later to hear him say “It is what it is” and demean me directly instead of insidiously, at least it’s more authentic than his fake “loving” persona.
It was not until I saw my own daughters at 19 that I perceived myself in context at that age — as I had certainly thought at 19 that I was all grown-up! and had been flogging myself for decades for failing to follow through on Mom’s instructions — which I’ll confess were expressed to me, I just didn’t follow them.
I wasn’t sure what the ashes would be physically like and was sort of scared to retrieve them. Maybe the whole issue was one I preferred not to address, right? — so I “spaced it out” as we temporarily allow ourselves to do at 19 (or permanently, if we are a spath).
The issue WAS, as Annette totally nailed, a jealousy issue between myself and my X. He was adopted and that was the focal point of many of his problems — and defenses. Also, I am a few years older than my X and overall, enjoyed my career — while he encountered every day like another trip to the coal mines. He inherited his money and taunted me, “See? You are jealous!”
Stunned? Betrayed? Revolted?
Horrified? Incredulous? Scared to death?
The feeling wasn’t exactly Jealousy …
…But it’s gratitude for your taking the time to comment on my story, thanks again. XOX
taralav, please do not torture yourself with feeling like you ruined the last six months of your mom’s life. I’m pretty sure it’s not true, but what is true is that she loved you and was there for you. That is a fact.
There was something that happened in my life when I was with my ex that I didn’t handle like I should have/wanted to because of him, and I won’t go into it here. It happened a little over 6 years ago and I feel choked up even now just writing this and not even being specific. I know I did the best I could at the time, and I have to leave it at that”I can’t change the past. I am careful not to let myself go there in my mind, because it is only torture.
Please take all of our support and let it lift you up and carry you forward. What you have gone through is horrific. It is time for you to focus on moving your life forward and pressing everything. Please leave him behind. You already know he brings you nothing but pain.
Taraluv, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom died last year. Even though she was a narcissist and we hadn’t spoken in many years, her death has been extremely painful. The grief comes up rather unexpectedly at times. Even in the company of compassionate people, I find it difficult to discuss or even feel the grief. I cannot imagine what it’s like to be surrounded by an evil presence during such a vulnerable time.
I’ve been involved throughout my life with many narcissistic people and people who did not have my best interests in mind. Even the ones who were not completely evil – maybe just self-centered and self-absorbed – being around them even for a short time is very stimulating to my nervous system, and not in a good way. The best person you have right now to protect you is you. If you want to live a healthy happy life, you must protect yourself from these harmful energies. Like I said, most unhealthy people are just self-absorbed but they are not out to completely destroy you. Sociopaths are out to destroy you. This is the most harmful of all energies. You really don’t have a choice but to stay away, for your own survival.
I have learned recently from my last dating experience just how impressionable I am as a sensitive person. I think I can be in the presence of someone who is not good for me and somehow make it okay. This is due to denial and wishful thinking, loneliness and romanticizing what “could be”. I’m just too sensitive. They leave impressions, and it takes me a while to shake that from my system. Even after one date last weekend, I’m having to start over again detaching from a narcissist. We know what we need to do – the red flags are there. We know what is right and good for us. We only need to do these things and not let our longings and feelings get the best of us. We can process those things and become stronger. But we can’t do it if we are actively being triggered. Every time you are in contact with your ex, you are being triggered. You can only heal when you put up an effective barrier – whatever that takes. If someone exploded a cloud of poison in your town, wouldn’t you do everything you could to put up a barrier so you wouldn’t breathe the poison?
You must trust that without the spath in your life, you can find happiness and fulfillment. Because I’ve been triggered from my date this weekend, I cannot sit here and say we will all find happiness and fulfillment – I’m feeling a bit cynical today. But I can say that we will not find it if we continue to allow these bad people to touch our lives, even incidentally through an email, a peek at Facebook, or a contact with a mutual friend.
Taralev
Hanalei is so right. He just leaves you with nothing but pain and tears. It is so difficult to see this and make sense out if it. You just cannot make any sense of it. The only thing you can do is realize that he will not change. It is the way he is. Do you really want to be treated like this? Think about it. It was so hard for me to see the truth. And only after a long time of no contact was I able to see him for what he really is.
Just be kind to yourself. Try to focus on you and only you. I now have learned that I can be happy and at peace without him. I don’t want to be treated like a doormat , I don’t want be lied to, cheated on and made a fool of.
For what?
Praying for you Taralev.
thank you Kaya I have missed your words..he made such a fool of me. so terrible. To think 3 days after she died he called me and I went to meet him. Because I was lost..in shock..and he used it as another way to discard
HanaleiMoon , Stargazer, Kaya, thank you..i miss being on here just with her being sick I had too much to deal with. I just am feeling the discard all over again. I feel so sad inside my mom really really was hurt. I know she loved me..my sister died in 2011 and my mom never healed ever.
When Joe did this to me..and discarded me, my mom was devastated. For me. I called her everyday several times a day just sobbing. I held her hand as she took her last breath..i just wish this evil monster had not ruined my life- because in return it affected hers.
She was the best mother and grandma, she was a alcoholic and her liver just caught up with her. It was 2 weeks…she was gone. The Spath killed her..i believe it. I know she had issues drinking but what he did took such a toll on her- she was in court the day I had to go with him and she was crying so hard she fainted in the court room- was taken by ambulance
without knowing- I ruined her last days. I know shes not mad at me for it but I have so much anger in my body right now because OF HIM he did this…to me..her..my son..its just not fair
taralav – please don’t get fixated on his part in anything. I really think you need to use your anger to propel you away from him in every way now. Use it to say NO MORE. Stargazer is right – you really don’t have a choice but to stay away for your own survival. Use this last heinous indignity and sick, twisted contact to transform yourself (imagine the Hulk). The last straw for me is what saved me – it wasn’t easy, no, it was horrible, but I never broke no contact.
My ex’s name was joe too (I no longer capitalize it, my little thing), and I can imagine him doing the same thing to me.
Stargazer is also right that you need to protect yourself from harmful energies. I believe that these energies can harm us even when we have no contact with the person. There are ways to protect yourself from these energies, google or look at youtube. Even if it feels silly to you, pick one and do it.
I refer to my ex P by his surname, which is kind of unusual, and not really attractive. His first name is a common name and I don’t want to associate him with other men I know by that name.
AnnettePK
I do the same! I found that my ex’s first name, a common name, was tainted, so I changed to refer to my ex by his LAME nickname, a pejorative word! Everything about my ex is tainted, so I have protected the innocent by this simple solution.
HanaleiMoon
My mantra that helped me to divide from my ex was “NOT LIKE THEM” (because his and his immediate family were a nest of vipers). It helped me to solidify what I did NOT want in my life.
Taraluv, I know this may sound strange, but I believe that if you can become very strong and heal yourself of this pattern you have going on with the spath, you will also heal this pattern for everyone in your family, past and present. I believe the spirit knows no temporal or material boundaries. This is the greatest tribute you can give to your mom – to simply care for yourself and heal. I believe she is still with you in spirit and you will always be connected to her, so she will watch you progress through your life.
this sounds alot like melanie evans’ system. did you go thru that? i tried part of it one nite n truthfully, it seemed hocus pocus hogwash. im wondering bout it still tho as im desperate enuff. i just rly dont want to open myself up to worse craziness!
aint, it’s so important to be discerning in believing/following anything, especially when we’re at our most vulnerable.
I’ve spent my share of time looking for things to help me and outside of my therapist who I’ve now moved away from, I’m super cautious and leery. These days, anyone can promote themselves as knowledgeable and having answers on the internet. I’m not discrediting anyone here, just saying. I’ve spent my share of money on self-help over the years.
I learned a lesson when many, many years ago I went to Jenny Craig for a short time. I wanted to get the pre-packaged food but you were required to attend “counseling” sessions. They were super lame, but I obediently placed guru status on the “counselor”. A short time later, a friend of mine, who didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground about nutrition, etc. told me she had just gotten a new job as a Jenny Craig counselor! That was the end of that.
HanaleiMoon,
I have spent a FORTUNE that I didn’t have on self help. So much of it was someone’s narrow experience, and they tried to sell it as a catch all. But it didn’t fit my situation at all.
The first book that really helped me to see what kind of person my ex is and his thinking was “Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft.
The second book that helped me to understand what was going on between ME and my attachment to my ex, and set me completely FREE of him (and others like him), was “Character Disturbance, The Phenomenon of Our Age”? by George K Simon jr., Ph.D.
Have you read Character Disturbance?
To avoid wasting any more precious resources on worthless advice, I make heavy use of my access to three library systems, my city, my county, and the local college libraries. I volunteer at my local Friends of the Library so I buy those books for $1 or 50 cents, and I also buy at 1/2 price book store IF the book I read from the library was any good. That’s how I found “In Sheeps Clothing”, and how I ended up buying “Character Disturbance”.
Me… wanting, seeking help but cynical about all those “experts” who seem to be exploiting the self help industry… so much of which is, as you say, the end of that.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I haven’t read Character Disturbance. The book that helped me the most was Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Sandra Brown. I literally carried around with me like a teddy bear for months”it is well used and there were no end to the “aha” moments in it.
Ironic makes a great point about us all having been through similar situations but all our coping/healing methods are different. All my life I’ve been one who likes to talk out things with others and get their input, and we all know that if someone hasn’t been through this, their counsel is not helpful. Now that I’m trying to put all the pieces of my life back together, I’m wracked with self doubt and indecision like I’ve never experienced before. I know it’s lingering effects from the relationship and the discard, and once I start getting some wins, I’ll be up to speed again, but in the meantime, ugh! What seemed easy peasy and no brainers pre-relationship now are monumental decisions that I over think and stress over. Having lost so much money, I’ve become so tight I squeak and thinking of spending for pleasure or fun is more than I can handle (quite the opposite of “before”). I no longer look to others for input or reassurance, since only I walk in my shoes, but wonder if spending too much time in my own head isn’t helping either. The speed bumps from these relationships seem to just keep going on and on.
HahaleiMoon
I agree in that I need to be careful not to wallow but to have a goal here on LF. I had been here before, trying to make sense of my marriage.
I came back this time because I lost my child, and the heartache was worse than the pain of the discard period of my marriage, when it seemed I could not find the end of all the trauma and assaults by my now ex husband. I finally STOPPED trying to find the end of my ex’s betrayals and just focused on getting free by obtaining my divorce. That was indeed a very freeing, very uplifting time. I was absolutely amazed how a divorce severed his power over me. I was completely NC, and the healing really started then.
But…. to finally also lose my daughter… put me back into a complete tailspin. While I could accept that my ex was a predatory sociopath, I had a hard time accepting that my child intended the cruelties she has perpetrated on me. So I have remained here, posting and seeking answers. I finally have found some comfort, some explanation, and some advice on how to live which I really needed because I was facing that there was no life to live anymore.
People can’t remain here, even though we can be helpful to others, because to remain is to stay in the nightmare, reliving it. So I am about to go myself, and if in the future, I find I need help once again, I know good people here will share and comfort me, and in return, my experience and advice might help someone who is newly discovering her/his worst nightmare… which strangely is NOT the discard chapter of their life….but is finding out that everything in their life was a sham because they were involved with a sociopath.
I do hope you check the book out of the library or look at his website. Both free. What I found so helpful was Dr Simon’s description of what happens to victims of sociopaths and how my response was not crazy or weird, but natural and normal behaviors of people who are caring and have a heart. And he also showed a path for people like me to manage the stresses of life and HOW to manage and not be so reactive to the craziness of sociopathy, NPD, and BPD. Of course he talks about the sociopathically disordered but he also discusses how to deal with them by not buying into or not getting dragged into their manipulations and drama.
Thank you for writing to me. One of the awful things about being married to my ex was he treated me as if I didn’t exist, and in his discard, he erased me. I was “worth less than nothing” as he referred to me. 20 years of my life had been erased, so it feels very nice to not be ignored as if I am a non-entity here on LF. I think I will be most grateful for that.
Take care. God Bless ALL of you, and most esp…
God Bless My Kindred Spirits.
My experience with Melanie Tonia Evans philosophy was similar to AintGonna’s. In addition to my friends and family, faith, prayer and bible study; I found the best help for me in reading and learning about psychopathy and others’ experiences and recovery. I read a lot of books on the subject.
I also found helpful information from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. Their audio Guided Relaxation for Repairing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships (sample here: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships) was the most practical,grounded and powerful help for me. I listened to the tape every night for about 6+ months, and it assisted my conscious effort to free myself from my ex spath experience.
Annette, in addition to this site, I also like The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and also, Psychopathfree.com
The books I have read, along with the shared experiences and support here are priceless.
I’d just like to weigh in on these posts regarding alternative ways of looking at life.
All your posts and suggestions are relevant and helpful. Each of us needs to understand at the level we resonate with. While we appear to have ALL been through similar situations, our coping mechanisms aren’t all the same. I personally need to have an understanding of what and why it took place, why did I attract this person to my life?… as a spiritualist, this gives me hope that I can change the outcome next time while also satisfying my need for clarity – it’s just the way I work. I’ve also found a lot of benefit from understanding the “science” behind it, why I allowed it to happen for so long and how my spath ticks along…both sides, both explanations and including Melanie’s processing techniques have helped me.
Stargazer is right to suggest from her point of understanding, we mustn’t judge how someone copes or how they process information to bring about change required to heal – we don’t know who’s watching and we don’t know who needs WHAT information = everyone’s suggestions help all of us and we shouldn’t scare someone away from thinking an alternative way, hocus pocus is understood by some ♥