UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
How sad about your mom. But you know mothers will always be on your side and you did the best you could. It is so sad that she had to court with you. But that’s what mothers do.
I was so sad when my only child, my son had to testify in court against his father. That day he had a college final in the afternoon and I sure it affected him. And the ex did not care one bit.
Take my word, you will be much better if you don’t communicate with him. He will never value your words and he will always blame you for his unhappiness. My ex still does it even after the divorce. Now I am to blame that he was court ordered to pay alimony.
I almost believed him last year when he said “I had to leave because of you”. I later found out that when he texted that he was on a cruise with her. You did not nothing wrong and do not accept any blame. That’s why you should stay no contact. It’s the only solution.
Life is good for me now. I accepted the fact that the marriage is over, the past is gone and the future is unknown. I just live in the present and I am blessed to survive this nightmare. And you know what you sometimes don’t realize how strong you are.
Taralav,
I’m reading some very wise words for you in the posts above. You are right. It’s a nightmare but it’s also something you can become awake and aware.
I am so sad for you to have lost your mom. I read your words of anguish, that you blame yourself for not being present in her life. I’m a mom, you’re a mom. So you must surely know what mattered to her was your well being. My personal belief is that such a loved one is still present with you. And though I don’t know her personally, I’m strongly believing all she wants is for you to be free of that horrid horrid man, and for you to find a love who is worthy of you. She wants for you to be loved.
I’m pretty sure nothing else matters to her, because as you also know, even if you spent every single moment with her, it’s still not enough… so that feeling of wanting more time with her, wishing you’d been with her more… you’d still be feeling that way. As a mom, I know I wouldn’t want my baby to be judging herself so harshly. I think she’d want you to cherish your time and to resolve to treat yourself as she’d want you to be treated, with respect, and regard, and cherished, and honored. And to never let anyone treat you anyway less than lovely.
Take care. Literally, Taralav. Take care. That’s how you can honor your mom.
All my best,
a mom who knows
Notwhat- thank you for your sweet post it brought me to tears. I am just catching up on reading..you are..all of you such special human beings and being strangers it makes me happy to know there are people in the world who care about total strangers..i really needed to read this..thank you xoxo
kaya48
Someone replied to my heartbreak under another article and wrote common sense that I should have known, but wasn’t seeing. The disordered (what I call the sociopath because it doesn’t turn off my listener), say terrible things, make terrible hurtful accusations… but they don’t actually believe them. They just say them to CONTROL us.
I’ve seen this when some people stunned my by spouting off a racial slur at someone. I KNEW they weren’t racist and didn’t believe what they said. But they said it because they knew it would dominate and control the recipient. They knew it would bother and harm the person who heard it.
It’s a despicable thing to do. But when I was the recipient of terrible comments, my response was not to dismiss the untruths, my response was to be hurt and wonder what I did to make them say such a thing.
You are right NOW about what you’ve concluded, We did nothing wrong to warrant such contempt. THEY are DISORDERED and as such, EVIL. Saying such horrid things is what the Disordered do to upset and diminish and control us. This truth is the same for your ex, my ex, other people here on LF ex’s, and hopefully Taralav’s forever ex.
Not
So interesting what you wrote. So you think they actually don’t believe all the bad things they day about us ? They do it so they have control?
All these ugly things my ex told me , he never meant it, but said it in order to hurt me. Wow , that is so evil.
At this time of my life, about 1-1/2 years after the discard , 1 year of an ugly divorce , over one year of no contact. I can actually think about this in a unemotional manner. I can see how manipulative they are.
I was just in court today to finish some last steps in seperating retirement accounts and I was not nervous at all. The ex was not there as I requested 2 different times. It was so much like a business deal. Hard to believe this was a 20 plus years marriage.
I am so thankful for your valuable advice. It means so much to me. Thank you.
Kaya48
I’m saying they know the terrible things they say about US is BS. It’s just to pull the rug from under us, to upset us, to use our feelings to control us. Like when my ex would tell me, just before someone walked in the door, that they didn’t like me, they only tolerated me in order that I’d let him be their friend.
But… they still say hurtful things that they DO mean, because they don’t have any remorse for their cruelty. For example, my husband told me that he felt sorry for himself because he always wanted to marry someone young and pretty. It didn’t occur to him that his words would hurt me, what mattered was HIS feelings. In this example, he wasn’t directly attacking me, but he didn’t think how his words sounded to me because… well, I didn’t matter.
So it is a one two punch. When speaking directly about us, it’s to stun us, a verbal attack. When saying something about himself that is thoughtless, there’s no remorse because there’s no empathy. While not directly personal, it’s still cruel. (I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth more than once. But once I realize how it sounded to the other person, I apologized and tried to make amends. I don’t ignore how I made the other person feel because their feelings matter to me. A sociopath has no regrets, would not miss losing a friend.)
Ironic
My ex was the same. He never introduced me to his friends or co workers. I was always they”mystery wife”. Even when he was in the military I kind of only existed in the background. At one place we were stationed I did not even know he had his own office. For 6 years. He never said “come by and visit ” or things like that. Bi was the one with the friends. I knew none of his friends at all. I never realized this was red flag until now.
Some of his friends were very young , I knew that much. I was always wondering why a 45 year old man would go fishing with 20 year olds. Well , if he really went fishing ????that was probably a lie also.
He was never able to have friends in our own age group. He always needed admiration and worshipping from younger people. The truth was that he is a loser. Maybe younger friends did not see him as a loser.
Wow, I don’t miss that drama anymore. That’s for sure.
I hope Taralev will soon see the truth and enforce the no contact .
Kaya48
Oh mine had young friends too. Not sure if it was because he doesn’t like aging and needs to be worshipped for his youthful looks and appear younger by hanging with younger or he was grooming some of them. He’d type young girls or boys into porn sites so he was never interested in our age bracket….shame it took so long for me to discover the truth and the reasons for the constant confusion 🙁
Oops, we can’t edit our posts anymore. I wanted to add that if you feel he is responsible for your mother’s death, then don’t let her death be in vain! Use this anger to separate from him once and for all, before he kills you, too.
Taralev
Stargazer is soooo right. The greatest gift to your mom would be to totally cut off ties with him. Believe me , my mother was so relieved and happy when I finally filed for divorce. She does not believe in divorces but was so glad when I took this step. She knew many tears and how much pain he inflicted on me. Many times she would ask him to please stop “torturing me”. His answer was “it’s her, not me, she is the crazy one .”
Please listen to stargazer and take this tragic event on your life and make it the first step towards healing and recovery and no more about him. As you know he does not care about anything. He thinks about his pleasure only.
Hi all, I want you to know it’s totally fine that my ideas sound hocus pocus. 🙂 However, I would like to clarify my last post just in case some of it got lost in translation. I said something to the effect of when you heal yourself, it has ripple effects around you and that these transcend time and space, going back to heal generational patterns in your family. I have heard this from many healers, and it is something I believe to be true. I know everyone has their own way of seeing the world, and I do not expect anyone here to think the way I do. But I would like to “invite” you to consider this, because it doesn’t cause any harm to do so. The main point of all of this is that healing yourself does good not only for you, for your family – seen and unseen – and for the planet.
I’m having a very difficult time getting back on track and getting to day 1 no contact. I feel like everything is working against me. I can’t seem to get over the pain of everything he’s done to me. According to the socio, I did this and brought this all upon myself because I’m crazy,needy,insecure,sensitive and an emotional mess all the time.He doesn’t realize he stopped doing anything for me to be needy.
I’m not insecure in any aspect of my life except for him.I know I’m a pretty girl,have a good job,I’m smart,I have nice place,nice things, amazing family and friends.I was raised by 2 parents who brought me up to be hard working,loving,forgiving,have morals, respect,common courtesy and how to be a decent person of society that makes a difference in the world.I know right from wrong and have a very kind loving heart.I only became insecure in our relationship because he went from treating me like a princess,to giving me nothing to be secure about.No girl is going to settle and be happy with absolutely nothing.Of course she’s going to speak up. Communication,trust,respect,compromise,forgiveness and effort are all key for a healthy relationship.
Aside from going through the torment of a socio for over a year now, I also suffer from bipolar.Abusive and Toxic relationships can instantly put someone in a bipolar low that can last for months. He has used this as a weapon against me and taunted me everyday.He would purposely terrorize me and put me in horrible lows. Once I reached that freak out point where I couldn’t even breath he would laugh at me and make fun of me. Kick me down even harder and say everything to shatter me and feed every insecurity I had.
I’m trying to get over all the horrible things he’s done to me from the physical & emotional abuse,embarrassment,lies, disloyalty and cheating. I’m infuriated my feelings and life was someone’s sick game. On top of feeling like I’m caught in the addiction,I have bipolar obsessive thoughts that doesn’t allow it to leave my head from the second I wake up until I go to bed. It taunts me everyday the things he’s done and how back stabbed and stupid I feel. Like I’ve been made a fool of, that he’s turned my life to an embarrassment, exposed my issues to people and used that as reasoning to make me look crazy to everyone when I’m the logical one.
Who wouldn’t get hurt getting called horrible names everyday, being physically abused,have someone feed your insecurities, use your illness as a weapon against you,embarrass you in every aspect of your life from work,friends and family?Who likes being lied to, cheated on and made a fool? Who likes being back stabbed and taken advantage of? Who likes being led on and having their feelings and emotions played with? Or time wasted? I can’t think of one person who enjoys staying up numerous nights wondering where their partner is because they screwed off for the night.Who likes being told by people that their bf is cheating? or having their bf’s dating sites sent to you from co workers and friends? Who enjoys going to a party, and having a girl come up to you saying I know your bf from a dating site? Still to this day he denies and says they were all old profiles and swears over and over on his dead mothers grave that he has never cheated on me. I was so stupid for so long to believe him that it was his ex wife trying to ruin his life because of the nasty divorce taking place.I always knew the truth inside, I was to in denial to face what was happening. I never gave up on accusing him of cheating.
He lives behind me, I can’t walk up my street without running into him. I started looking for a new apartment but have been having the worst luck. I’ve missed so much work because of feeling sick, depressed,needing isolation and having embarrassing break downs that now has seriously impacted my finances for the first time in my life.It stresses me out like crazy because change of environment is crucial to me getting through this aside from no contact.I know the finances is temporary and I will get back on track.I always do!I’ve come to realize that I cant get through day 1 no contact because of how close he is to me and feeling dependant on him.God that’s so sad to say.
When I go through isolation and cry over everything it all comes back. Every time he attacked me,physically and verbally abused me. It makes me feel like I’m reliving it at that moment.He is so toxic to my life and I am very aware of this.Why can’t I get through day 1? I just don’t get why I would even want this person in my life or want to speak with them? Then I start thinking there’s something seriously wrong with me because any normal person would say screw you buddy and move on with life so easily never looking back or giving that person the time of day. I was always that girl who could do that no problem…Easy breezy!I don’t understand what the hell has happened to me? I feel like a completely different person that I used to be after this life changing experience with this guy/living demon.
Oh Gwenda, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are traumatized, and what you are feeling is the effect of prolonged trauma. Sociopaths slowly strip away our self-esteem and our own identity until what we become is a shell of a person. They want us to believe we are nothing, that we are mentally ill, and that we need them to survive. The truth is that it is THEY who are the parasites, dependent on injecting their poison into us to give them their sense of power, which is what they live for. They are vampires. It’s not you, it’s HIM. Any person would break down and show signs of depression and anxiety under the circumstances. And it is their M.O. to use that to their advantage to make you look like you’re sick. It’s as if he has injected poison into your veins and is now watching you writhe around on the ground in pain. They like that. They are evil.You may be in pain for a while, but you can be in pain AWAY from him and taking care of yourself so you can start feeling better.
You really need some time away from him to get out of the fog you are in. Is there any safe friend or counselor or family member you can reach out to? You will have to take no-contact one day at a time. Just get through this day. Then the next. It will get easier, and then one day you will start to feel like yourself again. I never liked medications, though some swear by them. But I have found for about $20, a combination of St. John’s Wort and Rescue Remedy (a homeopathic remedy) will help lift your mood. And anything you can do to feel your body – massages, acupuncture, meditation, just taking a walk and focusing on the sensations of your feet on the ground – will all help to ground you. You need all the help you can get. Any little thing you can do for yourself – feed yourself a good meal, go for a walk – will help you. You did great finding this supportive place, too.
I’m so sorry for your suffering and wish there was an easy fix.
Taralev
I was just thinking about you today. As I was at the beach and a very nasty man was cussing out his wife/girlfriend right in front of other people. She was in tears and as they walked away he still belittled her and I felt so bad for her. And this thought came into my mind, that I used to be that woman for 20 plus years. I was often sitting at the beach, a mile away from him because he had made me so upset and I was in tears. So today I realized what a great “gift ” he gave me by discarding his family. He gave me my inner peace and strength back. Something I did not have for those 20 years. It’s an amazing victory for me.
I am sure the little minion is at the receiving end of his insults now. I truly don’t miss him anymore. None of it. Like you I had problems staying no contact. But eventually I managed and it got so much easier. Honestly it saved my life. And the no contact was so important in the divorce.
How are you doing now ? I think of you often. What a terrible time in your life and I hope you are ok.
NotWhatHeSaid,
Ur post about how you are worth less than nothing (acc to the spath) triggered a memory I have of the spath snarling at me You. Don’t. Matter. slowly, vehemently, crazed eyes look.
At least I think that’s what he said…BECUZ—>I truly don’t remember his exact words!!!!!!
Now, HELL YEAH–that’s progress 🙂
May he rot in peace where ever he is tonite.
God bless you too, dear 🙂
Dear All, this portion of the thread reminds me of my longtime (now X) husband’s words:
“So you love me — so what?”
It’s incredible we have survived this at all. What could be more demeaning? Oh, I know! his further words, looking around our home:
“None of this is real to me. You are not real to me.”
He’s a pretty good artist, has a good sketching sense. Asked to draw me, he produced a cartoon with a balloon head and a stupid smiling mouth. We really are “not real” to them, so YES Ain’t! — it’s not only that We. Don’t. Matter. We don’t even exist.
Dear Path
I wish you a day in heaven before the Devil knows you’re dead…
Hi all
Just checking in, still crazy in my head and wishing things could have changed by now but sadly they haven’t….
I’m also really busy which is kinda strange? I don’t know where all this work came from and I’m a little worried I’m not getting an opportunity to do me time and work on rebuilding myself – then again it could be a gift?
I hope you are all well and tonight I get an opportunity to read through your posts and send some hugs your way.
Thinking of you x