UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I have missed all your messages so I am reading them now. I have been on my own handling my moms things- my ex sociopath has been just nonstop I told him I am done- to not ever contact me..he ruined my moms last days of her life.
Its very painful- I lost my 35 year old sister 2 years ago, and my mom saved all her lifes belongings. so not am I only sorting thru my moms things- but also my sisters. I feel very alone but I guess what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I feel my ex should be there for me- but then I know why would I want him to be.
I miss talking to you all and hope to be chatting soon
All this is so helpful knowing I am not the only one going thru these things.
I started this site in February and it has been a life saver. It is terrible what they do- they seek and destroy
I am learning on it and it’s so sad how many people are out in the world like this.
Taralev, how are you holding up? Hope you are good. I found this statement recently and really like it. It definetely applies to my situation. Yes, he tried and tried and still tries to destroy me but I won’t let him 🙂
Then this person becomes not ’someone who hurt me’”they become ’the lesson which liberated me’.
Love always
Indeed it is a very sad fact those people exist. What I learned from my 20 plus year marriage to a sociopath is that you have to remain strong and confident. Once you have left or you were left , cut of all contact. You can never be “friends” with one. Don’t show any weakness, they feed on that and close this chapter of your life. Fortunately i do not have any minor children so it was possible for me to stay no contact. I truly think that once they realize they list control and will not get any reaction, they will proceed with a new victim ouf of their narcissistic supply. I now take him discarding me as the hugest blessing in my life. Did it hurt ? Absultely. I came out anrüchig stronger, more confident , more resilient person. I am ready for anything in my life now. Except for a new relationship. This will take some more healing because that is where most of the damage exists. I know with time it will improve. Until then I focus on my happiness, my life. And it really does not require a partner to bd happy. I would rather be by myself then being lied to, manipulated, cheated on, called mentally insane and at the end thrown away like weekly garbage. Honestly I had to learn to think like this and lovefraud along with my divorce attorney and my family therapist helped me along. And of course the no contact. I will not let evil back into my life and the ex deserves for me to never look at him again.
kaya48
I think most people in the free world are missing a very important knowledge that they should NOT be learning by experience…
We are taught our whole lives about being good people, to have manners and be thoughtful, not be bigots, to be charitable towards the unfortunate, and we may even be told to be careful of “bad boys”, of gangstas. We know there are sweethearts that cheat and break your heart. BUT…. no one teaches about those kind of people who suck who court and seduce in order to suck the soul out of us. Even though we learn about gossips, Mama doesn’t warn us about smearing tactics.
We know to watch out for shark lawyers but we do not know about the kind of people who use court systems to ravage us into bankruptcy, steal our ability to protect our children from predators or from the power hungry court appointed “professionals” using our children to enhance their resume or to collect huge fees.
I envy those people who have never had to experience the lessons about learning of the dregs of humanity. It’s not that other people know about these sorts of disorders and so avoided them, it’s that most never have to deal with them at all. But… I think that’s changing. Nowadays I think most people will have someone like this infect their lives, and now it needs to be part of their health and safety classes, just like learning to put a condom on a banana, they need to know the difference between a bad apple and a predator, and more importantly, they need to be taught what a predator does to their victims.
We’ve learned this lesson from experience, kaya. But I am just as capable of learning in other, less destructive ways. LOL. Well, maybe not laughing.
I am also still trying to put my life together . After being for over 20 years and pretty losing everything in the divorce, it is not easy. It’s had been a year and a half since I was discarded, 15 months of no contact and about 2 months since the divorce was final. To this day he tries to provoke me and blame me . Now he is shifting the blame that it is my fault he was court ordered to pay alimony. He attacks in my faith, he tells me to better pray to my God because I don’t deserve this money. Following my lawyers advice I ignore all these little notes that come in the mail with the alimony check.
I just find it baffling. He wanted out of this marriage so badly, he wanted to be free to have sex with all of his little minions. And now it seems like it’s not enough. I have up thinking about it. Why can’t they just let go and leave the past. I guess he is still not happy. Can they ever be happy ?
I am sure glad I got rid of him.
Gosh, kaya, I find your ex baffling too. Here is my thought – my ex didn’t “lose” anything to me. He had his new relationship(s) in place before he discarded me, but I think the bigger thing was that he had a ringside seat to watch me continue to lose more after the discard because he left me with all the responsibilities of the house. It took over a year for him to sign the listing agreement, meanwhile he stopped paying his fair share of the house payment, wrangled back and forth thru the attorney’s on the endless maintenance issues that came up, saying he’d contribute then refusing after the work was done and I’d paid for it, etc. He got to continue to “watch” me struggle from afar, but it cost him NOTHING. Your ex has to pay for life, and it is stuck in his craw so he’s not letting it go and needling you. He’s surely angry because he didn’t get to walk away scott free (and definitely has discovered by now life with his minions isn’t what he thought it would be). Maybe also, he’s not getting enough from his minions and so he keeps trying to engage you. You’d think he’d be thankful that he didn’t lose his career and move on, but I guess that would be normal thinking. Nothing would ever amaze me from these people at this point, but I never cease to be amazed”you know what I mean? It’s exhausting.
My ex did pay his share of the house payment for awhile”maybe less than a year? For the house that he never intended moving into”knowing him, he would slobber around his cigar and say it was money well spent to destroy me, and anyway, to him it was “chump change”. I’m sure it also gave a molecule of truth to the sob story he told new women about how his ex took him to the cleaners. LOL
I know my ex stayed just inside the law on many things he did, yours too, and others. This shows they know exactly what they’re doing.
kaya my dear, you are missing the point.
That man will never let you be happy if he can prevent it. His quest isn’t to be happy. It’s to make you unhappy.
Healthy people like yourself are confused because it’s normal behavior to seek satisfaction in life, and obtain happiness by giving the same to others. Sick people like your ex are not normal, in that they obtain “satisfaction” by tormenting others.
That’s why it will never be OK with him. “What he wants from you” is for you to suffer and die. This is such a monumentally evil concept that your brain has been damaged from trying to encompass it.
Please be gentle with yourself as you encounter this Reality! and know you are not struggling alone. After 4 years of separation and a year after the decree entered, I still wake every single day trying to find the words for it and somehow trying to cram it into my mind.
Asking “Can they ever be happy?” is a thought right out of your normal mind. “Can I ever be happy?” is too. The answer to the first one is NO, they are sick. The answer to the second is YES, you are healthy and there is still plenty of time left on your clock for recovery and happiness ahead.
Hang on!!!!!! Remember you are NOT ALONE in this battle, and your supporting troops are growing stronger every day. You’re an involuntary leader in God’s army, take your place in strength and courage, and accept His nomination as proof you are worthy of the post He’s assigned to you. Fight everyday, after first identifying your enemy’s intention: to disarm you through invalidation, doubt, worry, hesitation, and the fear that nothing better is ahead.
There is. Keep fighting. We love you!! xox
No contact.
Your post is SO FULL OF TRUTH.
I agree with everything you wrote here and want to emphasize my agreement: No they (the disordered) can’t be happy. They can’t feel emotion. They can not find happiness. They only feel pleasure, hedonistic pleasure. THEY are the ones who have an addiction, they seek unending sources of pleasure. They have to WIN! And even if they were able to destroy ourselves, that is a momentary pleasure and NOT ENOUGH for them. Not enough of a WIN. So they seek a BIGGER WIN. Whatever they define that to be. Which is why they are dangerous and anyone who returns back to such a creature thinking they can “work it out” is dealt a worse blow than ever.
Hanalei
Your ex put you through so much. How do they think just stop paying everything . They are so selfish. It must have been a big struggle for you also with him paying some things. I sure my ex thought he can just get away with it. Well, temporarily he did but then the court stepped in . I remember talking to my attorney and he always said “just hang in there , it will not go forever “. It was very frustrating but he was right .
I guess you are right. The minions did not turn out to be “wife” material. I am sure the secret sex with the young co workers was enticing at first. But everything becomes routine.
I am sure I will receive another “nasty note” with my check. If this does not stop I will request income Withholdings through the court. I am fivally free from the evil
Monster and still he wants to be a part of my life. Will never figure him out. He made his bed and now he must lay in it. He is not my problem anymore. Let the little minions deal with him. 🙂
How is everything going for you Hanalei ? Have you moved ? Do you have children with your ex ? Thanks for your comment. As always very helpful.
kaya48
I know the answer about why my ex wasn’t just satisfied with dumping me, scamming me, leaving me pretty much homeless and totally emotionally destroyed. He kept coming back and trying to destroy me even more.
The reason is, I was a mirror to who he really is. I saw him MASK OFF. And for my ex, who managed his image so carefully, I was the ONLY one who saw who he really was and with that kind of truth, then others might see him too. So I had to be destroyed. He tried to get me to commit suicide and yes, I nearly helped him with that. But then my self preservation kicked in, just a tiny bit, but enough that I didn’t want to live, but… I didn’t want to die either.
My ex wanted my total destruction and all my assets, and for others to pity that he was married to someone like me. Kinda a trifecta, WIN WIN WIN for him.
That I lived makes him so angry because with his definition of WIN, he lost.
Anyhoo, can’t help but think your ex has the same mindset as my ex. Except my ex wants to destroy my children as well as me. And I am miserable to admit, he’s finding success in that area.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe: Ditto. Every. Single. Word.
“That I lived makes him so angry.” “My ex wanted my total destruction and all my assets.” My ex wanted to kill me and eat my remains, and ANYTHING short of that will be his definition of a Loss.
What a nightmare we’ve been through.
funny, NoContact. I just wrote the same message to your post above! We know the score about these personality types!
Not, I’m proud to fight beside you and all the other brave souls on this site. xox
NotWhatHesaidOfMe, Ditto from me too. Mine also egged me on to kill myself. I did try once and after that he told me to try again because no man would ever want a psycho, paranoid, ungrateful, demanding bitch like me anyway. He had found the love of his life and she was nothing like me. She was calm and rational.”
I said, “yeah I was calm and rational too when you met me. Get back to me when she’s done 10 years with you. We’ll see how calm and rational she is.”
It was after that conversation I decided that I may not want to live but I sure the hell didn’t want to make him happy by killing myself. I could just see him playing the grieving ex, telling everyone how unstable I had always been and he had only stayed as long as he did because he was afraid this was going to happen. I knew he would milk it for every bit of sympathy he could and I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure.
It’s been a tough 4 years and I have had two heart attacks. Little tidbit of knowledge; women who have been in an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to have heart decease. Makes sense when you think of the stress we go through.
I am so happy I never had kids with him, my heart goes out to anyone who has to parent with one of these parasites
Thank you
No contact, notwhat and everyone
As always I appreciate your advice, your comments and experience. You are absolutely right that the ex wants to destroy me. Divorce was not enough in his mind plan. I am so sorry that your ex is getting to your children. I think on that area I am very lucky and blesses. My son is living with me and totally cut of all contact with the ex. He is very grown up for being 19, very humble and kind and very supportive of my decision to divorce and stay no contact. This eliminates one way for my ex to get to me. I totally left it up to my son if he wanted to have contact with the ex or not. My son decided that we are happy without the ex.
I still have the option to start income Withholdings if the notes don’t stop. Him being a cop makes it more difficult. I will remain strong and absolutely no contact and hope that one day soon the ex will meet “the love of his life “. Then I might become too boring to aggrevate. I actually laugh about the pathetic notes. It’s almost childish to me.
Kaya, No contact was so right in what she said. I used to think like you also, what did I ever do to deserve the way he treated me, how could he hate me that much. We take it personally because to us it is personal, we are the ones losing everything while he goes hippity hopping down the yellow brick road with a new Dorothy. It doesn’t matter how many times he finds another Dorothy, he is never going to find a heart.
When he is done with you he wants to make sure he has drained you of everything you had and might have. For you to put your life back together, in his mind; means he did not get everything you had to offer. He certainly doesn’t want to LOSE anything. his only goal is to gain. He derives his pleasure from your pain, to him it is a sign of his power, he can destroy you = powerful.
Once he is done with you, you are garbage, and in his mind you should crawl in a corner and whimper and suffer for ever more (or until he decides he needs a punching bag again)
They really hate it if you start to get your life back together and appear happy, they will come back with their tail between their legs, crying crocodile tears and beg for another chance so they can do a better job of destroying you. If he sees you happy, in his mind he failed and his ego can’t handle it.
It’s will be 4 years this November and my ex still slanders me. He has tried to get me evicted twice, tried to get me fired (and almost succeeded). He has a new woman, logic would say that he would get on with his life and forget about me but they don’t think logically. He sees me getting stronger and happy and it pisses him off to no end!
I know this because the whole time we were splitting the last time he kept saying, “You always do better without me.” and he was right. I always had, so he made damn sure when we split the last time he had done the job right.
As long as you have any contact at all he will do everything within his power to keep you broken. If you can’t not read his nasty messages then have someone else open the envelop and hand you the cheque. He is never going to be nice about it. He doesn’t give two hoots about what is right or fair.
Right on, LadywithaTruck,
You describe the type of evil that is my ex. He can’t punish me enough, he can’t get no satisfaction. No matter my destruction, it’s not enough for him. He erased my entired marriage with him, to anyone who looks, I did not exist, I did not contribute. But erasing my very existence wasn’t enough, he want my future destroyed as well. That’s why it mattered so much for him to alienate my dearest love, the child I dreamed of and gave birth to and watched out for and tried to teach that who she was towards herself and others was what mattered, not stuff, not harming others, but to be considerate of herself and to seek others who are of good character, and sound reasoning.
And when my husband failed to kill me, it’s not like he gave up. He just slithered back into the grass and waits to strike his venom, again and again. Distance keeps me from his poison, but he still has the ability to move, in stealth, and when I have let down my vigilance, he will strike.
When I was married, sometimes I found a reason to go away, for work. And it was strange that I got better, so much better that I thought the reason for our bad marriage was because I had a bad attitude. So I’d return home, healthy and happy and determined to stay healthy and giving and in that good mindset. Only, I failed to see the snake snuck in and that’s why I felt poisoned within a short time, he was draining my spirit, attacking my soul. Him and his minions. And his mommy and her raging envy of me. And his father who was also raging because I failed to submit to “knowing my place ground into submission under his shitty boots”.
just me, happier to be an old fat ugly unwanted woman than married to that viper in that nest of sociopaths.
Wow.
How very well written . Like a snake. So true. I still remember the times when my ex was deployed with the army. Those were my happiest times, no walking on egg shells, no crazy making. All other wives were sad and could not wait for their husbands to return. I was just the opposite. I was dreading the day of his return. That should have been red flag but for me it was the norm.
Oh, by all means I know my ex wants me dead. That is why I have to be always one step ahead. I don’t like to live in constant fear but I do have my guards up. Especially because he is a cop. Who would they believe? I am sure they would take his word. “She was just mentally ill”. I so glad not to hear those words anymore. I honestly don’t remember the last time I cried.
And you are so right. I am so content and happy being by myself. That sure beats being lied to every day of the week and then blamed for the affair.
I think with time we all will be ok and we will find a good, honest partner one day. And even if we don’t we are the winners. We survived. And we are still here.
To those who have been married to Law Enforcement Officers:
I just watched a rerun of a Frontline edition, “A Death in St Augustine”.
There is no doubt in my mind that that deputy murdered his girlfriend.
Certain facts bother me a lot:
The video at the hotel where Sheriff Shoar makes his statements supporting the deputy. MY TAKE? It does not matter if it was murder or suicide, there was NO COMPASSION for the victim by Sheriff Shoar… who expressed ANGER and OUTRAGE that a family wanted answers. She was treated as if SHE was a criminal.
They concluded suicide but had not asked any family members or neighbors or employer what her state of mind had been. NONE. In fact, when family tried to say suicide makes no sense, they were silenced.
WE, here on lf, know of times when we were very low, were very depressed, even thought of suicide, or tried it even. BUT… people commit suicide when someone dumps them, not when they are the one leaving.
And even when I have felt so low, so depressed that I wanted to die, what I wanted was for the pain to stop. Part of that pain was that my ex was constantly encouraging me to kill myself, that he was constantly arranging “accidents”, and in the end, he did nearly murder me. I am SURE that if he had been successful, he would have gotten away with it. Even when I reported the assault, the deputy who took my statement wrote in his report that I was “unstable” and to my face, he said I deserved the assault because I was an estranged spouse. (even though I showed him the copy of the email where my husband asked to meet to discuss how to file for a cooperative ‘friendly’ divorce), and that I had the groceries in the car because I was going to make a quick roast and veggies for dinner so we could just work out the paperwork, and had used my husbands bankcard to buy the groceries, my suitcase was in the bedroom, I had stayed the night before. This was the day I finally realized that I was set up, that what I thought was my paranoia and over-reacting to being rejected was not imagined, and from then on, I kept finding out betrayal after betrayal, set ups, lies, and more. I WOKE UP to the truth. I stopped making excuses for inexcusable behavior.
The deputy in my assault case was part of the set up. Does this sound ridiculous? It does but only if the facts are ignored.
The same applies to Michelle O’Connell. HER life was dismissed as if she was the ENEMY. The boys all rallied around Sheriff Shoar, even her brother caved, because let’s face it, if he wanted a life in that county, he had to get on the team. He’d already been fired for not playing on the right side.
I do not trust the police. They abuse their position of power because they can. They should be the ones to de-escalate situations. Instead, they goad people and push people into submission to their power. NOBODY likes being treated that way. Power plays by law enforcement just to dominate and force submission is SO TYPICAL, especially here in the south where the saying is to submit to a beatdown and you’ll live to do a write up later. But… even if there’s a write up, there’s no disciplinary action against the officer.
I am not stupid. I would never escalate an encounter with law enforcement. But… I have SEEN THEM GOAD vulnerable, emotionally charged people.
So… how’s my assessment, to you who have an ex who was law enforcement? Did they have anger issues? Demand submission? Etc.
That mindset and the facts about Michelle O’Connell’s death are why I am ranting tonight. I am just sick of these type getting away with killing the vulnerable and the minions that help them get away with it. Seems to me that Sheriff Shoar probably has some shenanigans that he’s guilty of too. Otherwise, why the lack of professional standards?
Gonna go chill, herbal tea, a reply of today’s sermon, some prayers, and a nice foot massage. Night all…
My church videos our Sunday morning service. I find it comforting to watch it before bed. It helps to calm me and I sleep better. Obviously I wrote a typo. I meant replay of today’s sermon. Taking care of my spirit, and my soul. Later? I’ll be back tomorrow.
I actually read it as ‘replay,’ I didn’t even catch the typo.
It truly is Satan’s world, not much difference from the repression and victimization of the powerless by those in society who held the power in Jesus’ time.
I am also sickened and outraged by this story, and there are so many more that don’t make the news.
Also, with respect to being labelled ‘unstable’ in a police report, that has NO MEANING. No specific behavior nor crime is referenced. It’s a vague accusation that infers that some sort of meaningless ‘instability’ (whatever that means: NOTHING) caused the perpetrator to commit the crime. Truly sick and evil.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I have spent my career working for government agencies in a profession that at times has close interaction with the police. My first position out of college had me working with them quite a bit behind the scenes and it didn’t take me long to form the opinion that they were a strange bunch and that I would NEVER want to be romantically involved with someone in law enforcement. The years have just proved that opinion right. (Not that I’ve been that successful in relationships anyhow but still.) Women I have known married to cops have had miserable lives and marriages. While I think that the job itself has got to color your views and attitudes, I believe that the profession attracts a certain type, and it’s not a little boy who dreams of being a cop and helping people like in a children’s book. They protect each other no matter what and my philosophy is the best tactic is to avoid them as much as possible.
My ex was not in law enforcement but every time I or the neighbors called the police he would call also and say I had attacked him. he has called the cops to lay false charges on my son for threatening him, then he would drop them. I didn’t catch on to what he was doing until years later when he wanted me to seal my criminal file. I don’t have a record so I had no reason to pay $400 to seal my file so I said no why would I. We had just gotten back together the last time and i was suspicious of what he was up to. I said seal yours if you want. he said that if he sealed his if someone knew my name that all the domestic abuse calls would show up on my file and incriminate him.
Then the light went on. he didn’t want there to be proof of abuse in the past. He was planning being abusive again and didn’t want a history of abuse to show up.
Then i realized why he placed false charges against my son. he abused my son and i one night and he knew right from the beginning of the relationship it was going to happen and he was setting up his alibi from almost day one.
I stopped calling the police, they did nothing. he would be laughing and joking with them and they would tell me to shut up and not start trouble. They were worse than not caring, they assisted him in driving me crazy but totally ignoring anything i had to say. i finally went in to the cop shop and told them i was not suicidal so if i died mysteriously they should check out my ex. They all sat there with their mouths hanging open, no one said anything or took a statement or anything. I dropped off 3 different false ID’s my ex had and they left them sitting on the counter and wouldn’t take them. Why would an upstanding citizen have phoney ID? i gave up.
Its an old boys club, I think a lot of cops are abusive (they obviously like power, look at all the police brutality) so if they are called out for a DV call they are sympathetic to the abuser, they are one themselves.