UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Notwhat
I have watched that story about at Augustine Florida where the deputy discovered the suicide of the wife, or maybe ex wife. I am in the same state. Florida Department of Lae Enforcement protected the deputy. How scary is that? Yes everyone believed his story.
And yes he is still a deputy. I have lost all trust in police officers. My ex called his buddies and had me “baker acted” once. (Sent for a mental evaluation against your will). The psychatrist on duty was outraged at this waste of taxpayers funds. I should have sued the police dept but of course I was still “addicted ” to the husband and apologized.
But now I am free. Without all his shenanigans I would still be in the darkness. With those actions of his he sure showed me his true self. That made my decision to divorce him much easier.
Thanks for your great advice. As always.
After reading all this.. It has helped me short out everything that has happen to me. How do I tell my storey on here?
I am in the same boat as love always above and don’t know how to post my story on here. I just think I am currently going round and round in circles in my head and am in a state if shock and despair. How do you get to be 50 and be so stupid.?
Spath Tales here: http://www.lovefraud.com/category/cases/letters/ is a place to tell your story. Or you can email Donna who owns this site directly and she will post it appropriately. Or you can post your story in any of the discussions where you think it fits in.
We victims are not and were not stupid. Anyone, including incredibly successful, intelligent and educated persons, can and has been duped by a successful psychopath/sociopath. Most victims are kind, open minded, giving, and trusting. Spaths are very very very very very good at deceiving others.
Mellion
I understand how you feel. I just turned 49. I don’t feel stupid but I know what you mean. I think we are just normal and in my case I tried everything in my power toake this 20 plus year marriage as “normal ” and possible. I tried for over 20 years. Believe me, there is nothing you can do to change these evil creatures. In the end he labeled me “mentally unstable ” (his most favorite saying about me) and left for the young co worker. I was and I am still the “normal” one. It’s him who is so evil, so vicious , so vindictive. Even after I divorced him, he cannot let go. I don’t have any contact with him for over 15 months, only let my lawyer handle everything. The ex got what he wanted. His freedom to be a pervert. His freedom to date his young co workers. I guess it is not enough.
I will remain strong. I know that God is in control.
mellion, I met my ex when I was 49 and was with him for 7 years. I’m not stupid and neither are you”my therapist put it best: you didn’t know these types of people exist. How could you? You didn’t know what he was doing to you because he didn’t want you to know”simple as that. She was right.
Go easy on yourself. You are NOT stupid.
mellion, I am 62, a RE broker and lifelong litigation paralegal. Lived in the same state my whole life, raised two college-educated daughters.
Percentage I saw coming: zero.
Mellion, The victim can not be held responsible for a relationship based on lies. None of us knew what we were getting into. I am sure most victims never even heard of a narcissist and thought sociopaths and psychopaths were in the movies or somewhere else certainly not in our bed!
The gas-lighting, the pathological lying, the word salad, and then the love bombing; all meant to keep the victim off balance and confused. Always some new drama or trauma to deal with.
When you realize what he was you end up reliving the whole relationship over and over again trying to make sense of it. you will drive yourself crazy trying because they don’t make sense. The most you get is; they don’t have a conscience, no empathy, no remorse, no love and that is why they do what they do, they get off on your pain and destruction.
Who would ever anticipate meeting the love of your life and him trying to destroy you?? no one except someone who has been involved with one of these bottom feeders.
My mom was trying to understand why i was so attracted to my ex because she “would have seen right through him, and had, she would never have stayed.”
I told her, no because he was not trying to hook her, he was hooking ME so he was MY soul mate, if he would have been going after her he would have morphed into her soul mate. it can happen to any women.
Then she said,” well yeah, she could kinda see that because one of her friends had gotten sucked in by one and she almost lost her house and kids and everything. and she was a seemingly intelligent woman.”
I said, “She IS an intelligent woman, no seemingly about it.”
I get angry every time I find myself explaining how I am an intelligent woman who was never in an abusive relationship before, never took shit from any man, had lots of male attention, was not co-dependent. He did not present himself to be a soulless user and abuser until we moved in together after a full year of dating.
Sure looking back I can see small red flags but if you don’t know what you are looking for how can you see them. We are caring people who give second chances and believed there is good in everyone.
I met mine in my early 40’s and was with him 10 years. 56 now and still struggling to get my life back. But it is happening. there is light at the end of the tunnel. First thing you have to do to heal is forgive yourself and put the blame where it belongs, on your ex.
Lovealways and Mellion
I’m also 50 and after 14 years with my spath, I’m even reluctant to post on here because the relationship made me paranoid and feel unworthy enough to question whether I’m believable and sadly, likeable…
I look back to a time when I was innocently looking at the world and the people that occupied it and remember that I was a completely different person back then – I thought I was wise enough to see it coming but I didn’t and neither did any of the people that you’ve found here on LF.
We’ve all been hurt and we’ve all questioned our stupidity but a little light inside me keeps screaming “it isn’t you” so I’m trying desperately to hang onto that….
You’re in the right place! So many wonderful, caring and helpful people here that have helped me and everyone else get an understanding of why we married a train wreck waiting to happen, so stay as close as you possibly can to the support that is available here and one day we might all KNOW, without question, that we’re not stupid – just nice x
Hey ironic, you know y’all can’t compete with me: I watched the film play for 32 years and didn’t get it until the very last episode. Every time I got negative feedback about him from other people, I concluded they didn’t really know or understand him. Being able to share this is a blessing!! as I can’t help but be embarrassed to have missed so much of my own partner’s true self.
I believe that these people are deeply ashamed on an interior, unconscious level, so they are motivated to inspire that same feeling in others. The degradation, humiliation and control they dispense are meant to manipulate our emotions into shame, despair and “unlikeability” to ourselves. RESIST!
If you have to wear an arm band, do you automatically feel like a dirty Jew? Once numbers are tatooed onto your wrist, do you feel subhuman? Well, duh. But have you BECOME dirty or subhuman? If you can survive the experience, you are a hero. If not, you are called a victim. RESIST!
These people attack from within, kick us out of our homes, and destroy, exploit or appropriate our most precious treasures. Not only is that little light inside screaming “it isn’t you” but it is also screaming “it is HIM.” It’s an ATTACK, a vicious, deliberate and calculated CRIME against your soul and all that Humanity has collectively achieved.
“For every thing there is a Season….” and this is the Season when we can rationally accept our FURY that our lives were destroyed, exploited and appropriated, and with that flame running hot, VOW not to further damage ourselves but direct that energy where it belongs: against the person or persons who provoked the slaughter. Was that you? No, I didn’t think so. 🙂
Love you dearly, ironic and fellow souls. xo
Nocontact
Welcome back into my world and I’m sorry I left to soon to be able to cope with it on my own…. I truly missed chatting with you all.
My little light is becoming more like a raging fire and things aren’t any easier now I’m out – just different although I’m sleeping better. I still spend too much time going over things in my head and wondering what he’s up to now but slowly my days are being infiltrated with thoughts of a life that looks and feels more in Harmony with what I’d like to be seeing and feeling….
I truly believe that I’m here for the duration of the separation now, I can’t do this on my own and the impending court battles will take time (as they have already) and I need you all around to help me through and make sense of the lies I know he’ll tell.
Thanks for your love – back at ya babe x
I’d like to Reply to my own post, above, by adding that it’s probably not a coincidence that I am a lifelong professional worker and stayed with a spath. I had a lot invested in thinking of myself as that professional — so it was hard to accept that the main file I was working on had a big bug painted onto the lid that was visible to everyone except me. The glimpses I occasionally received of an insect running in and out of the pages came back to haunt me, especially when I recalled defending him to those who’d commented on them.
I like to think I’m a “fast take” who gets to the heart of an issue after vetting the red herrings, but I have the #1 Excuse that we all do. I loved him. And Love, to quote the established precedent, is blind.
The death of my love has hurt the most. It’s a piece of myself that can’t be filled with anger or sorrow. Only God can fill it, so I pray He comes to us all as it fades and the blinders of love are torn away.
No contact,
The thing I missed the most was: I loved loving him. he didn’t love me back, but I loved him with every fiber of my being and it was almost freeing in a way because I wasn’t getting love back, I wasn’t loving him because I needed him, or we had kids together, i didn’t need him financially.
And I missed the hope. When he got with another woman I knew he wasn’t changed but now he was lying to her. Whenever I suspected him of screwing around or something I would pray that he would tell me a good enough lie that I could lie to myself. I didn’t even expect to believe his lies any more.
Ladywithatruck
You put that so well, totally took my feelings and put them into the perfect words. It’s uncanny the way we all relate by the same experiences…
Ironic
I am sorry to hear you have upcoming court battles. It will probably get ugly just like in my case. The ex made up so many lies. It was truly a nightmare. I hope you have a good lawyer by your sure who will fight for your rights. At the beginning of my court dates I was very nervous and shaky. I put all trust in my lawyer and in God and in the end we came out great. Please remain strong and I always tried to stay positive in my thinking. I just thought “bring it on, I am ready for all the lies “. It was truly going to war and my ex became my biggest enemy.
I also stopped thinking of what he was up because it did not interest or concern me anymore.
I wish you the best for your upcoming battles and you are in my prayers.
Kaya48
Thanks honey!
I’m trying to remain positive or have to remain positive for my own sanity…
I am lucky to have fallen on my feet or I really didn’t go backwards too far by moving out of my own house to get away from him. My sister and her husband have moved me into their place and they are fully renovating a large flat for me under their house. By the time it’s finished in 3 weeks, it will be completely modernized and styled with all my colours and tastes as they gave me the freedom to choose everything including the new kitchen – big claps! Although I kept the value of their home in mind while I gathered all the quotes and trades so as not to over capitalise for what it is worth in the area we live – its still going to be my space and feel like my home when it’s finished 🙂
My sister has MS and my brother in law works interstate so I’m here doing the things that she can’t and not paying any rent as a carer for her. This way my brother in law gets to earn big money over the next few years so they are debt free when he retires to take over care if my sister = win / win for all of us!
I’m really nervous about today but can’t talk about what’s happening on here yet…in time I’ll reveal everything….just know I feel supported by having you all here ♥
Ladywithatruck
I thought the exact same. I was hoping for a believable lie. I also loved my husband for over 20 years and I was in shock when the truth came out. Looking back now it was truly a blessing to be discarded. As much as it hurt and still hurts it was my life saver. He would have destroyed me with his lying, cheating, manipulating. Because I honestly would have not left him. The things he put me thorough were unbelievable, outrageous and just plain evil. And even then I apologized to him. Now almost 2 years since I am out of his “spell” I can see how wrong and illusion all this entire marriage was. I was just so used to it and I did not see the wrong.
Yes he will do it to the new victims. That is out of my control. I just take care of myself and my son now and the pets. I picked up the pieces of the destruction he left behind. And yes , at 49 I am starting all over. It’s not the easiest or greatest thing to do. It’s the only choice I have. I still feel empowered by finally divorcibg him. Because I was done. Enough is enough.
Yes, Kaya48
As painful as it was, being dumped was a blessing. I wanted so much to be WRONG that I was my own worst enemy (well, after him that is!). I kept thinking if my marriage is bad and it’s all my fault, then surely if I find the key, the right magic button to push, then it will fix everything. That was the message he gave me, that if I was only good enough, did enough, became ENOUGH, did the RIGHT THING, then he would be able to love me. Only, that was a complete scam. My desire for a family was the carrot he dangled beyond my reach. I grew up without a real family (my birth family are a nightmare that would fit in a horror movie).
I LOVED being a mommy and being a wife. Working and building and sharing and teaching and the community and my church and my neighbors and my social groups. All that was taken from me. What I had to give was rejected as worth less than nothing. I was not worth loving. And told that once people knew me, nobody liked me. I was that unlikeable. And I believed him. Because I was born into a family who said the same thing.
When I say I have come a LONG way, I have. And I do understand and believe the new people who come here, shell shocked and confused about what just happened to them, because they are trapped in the confusion of a world that makes no sense.
I’m starting over too. But… now I have the possibilities of a good life. And that was never going to happen when I was married to my ex. Joy to my world! And God’s blessings too. (funny how I used to beg God to help me. He was! I just didn’t recognize it until I realized my bad marriage wasn’t because of ME. It was because I was married to a monster.)
Notwhat..
I too thought that I could fix it if it was me but sadly I came to realize that I couldn’t fix a lie…
I read that line back and wonder why the heck I’m still not getting it – why am I still emotionally involved? Crazy!!!
Kaya, big hugs to you and ironic, well all the women here. We are all going through the same thing just different stages. it took me almost 2 years out before I felt I really wanted to live, he left so destitute. I don’t think I ever would have left him either. I was so broken by that time if it weren’t for his sister I am sure I would have either killed myself or he would have ended up killing me. I owe her my life because she came to stay with us and saw what was going on, I was so deep in denial I had stopped reacting, stopped confronting him on anything and the physical abuse had gotten so frequent and blatant the cheating. I don’t hate men, but if I never have another relationship I am fine with that, I enjoy my life now. My son is 30, I have a grand daughter who is 4, my dog and i live in a little 500 sq ft cabin on a lake with nature all around me. A simple life but every single morning I thank God for the peace and serenity. I don’t have to try to “read” someone’s mood, try to dodge bullets, do damage control.
They say that women who have been in abusive relationships are 70% more likely to have heart disease or some other chronic health problem. I have had two heart attacks in the last 2 years. The damage of being with them is so far reaching. I feel truly blessed to be alive. I can’t live in regret so I live in gratitude for what I have.
LoveAlways and Mellion-
If you believe that the villain in your life engaged in sexually assaulting you through fraud or deceit, you can also post their actual identity characteristics at http://www.CADalert.com.
Doing so will enable others who read the site to become familiar with their identifying characteristics and steer clear of them. You can post the information anonymously.
To both of you, people who lie to manipulate the emotions of others are treacherous and without shame or empathy. Their victims, on the other hand, are sought after because the offender recognizes them as capable of loving and caring people. So turn your self doubt and self anger into an awareness that you were singled out because of your decent and caring nature. Never lose it, just be careful who you share it with from this point forward. Unscrupulous, uncaring manipulators are character disordered. You didn’t know, now you do.
Be well and forgiving toward yourself. Help spread the word to prevent the next person from falling prey.
Joyce
Wel it’s been a while since I’ve been here and glad to see you’re back on as well ironic! I’ve been reading the posts but until ladywithatruck’s words hit me like a ton of bricks I had to reply. I also loved mine and believed he loved me each and every day for three years. Even the lying and cheating he would do still didn’t make me turn against him, I continued to love him possibly more than before. Funny thing was that for a man who knew I knew what he had done he continued to “love me” back. I made excuses to my self each time he had done something, that there was a logical explanation and I still continued to love him. He was never physically abusive, never put me down or degraded me so I continued. Until last year he confessed he had been with a woman (30 years younger and met her one time) and they were getting married…it was only this past summer they married but in between then he made me believe he despised her, she was all these horrible things, and I believed it and continued to love him. Something didn’t seem right to me and he admitted in June they were marrying in July…this is when I put the brakes on and said “this isn’t proper behavior” an discovered through this site, he was a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath.
He still claims he loves me and there is a possible chance to see one another but I am trying so hard to understand that he doesn’t mean a word of what he says anymore. I convinced myself an was doing so well until a friend came across his wedding pictures on fb…I cheated and I looked and I have gone back to feeling saddened over it all and still trying to convince myself that I can not love him and I’m going nuts. So thank you ladywithatruck, you spoke what I had felt despite the cheating and lies and I know I’m somewhat normal lol
You love who he said he was and you can’t turn it off instantly if you’re normal, when you discover he was lying. It’s like a death that one grieves over and it takes time to recover from and for your normal feelings and emotions of love and commitment to fade.
If he was cheating and lying, that is being abusive to you.
Janedoe, lol i don’t know if I am a glowing example of “normal” but at least you know you aren’t alone. lol i think most victims think they are ‘special’ somehow, that their special love will overcome whatever obstacle the relationship faces. i thought God had brought us together and I am ashamed to admit he played me big time, creating “miracles” when in actual fact he was one sick puppy willing to hurt himself in order to gain my sympathy, even told me he had 6 months to live, sabotaged my truck so he could rescue me. Most victims have never heard of a narcissist and any sociopath or psychopath they’ve see was in the movies. No one teaches us that these soul suckers exist and live among us, even sleep in our beds.
I had been no contact for a year when out of the blue my ex showed up where I did business. I had not heard from him in anyway the whole year. I had a heart attack and 3 weeks later he shows up, looking totally stricken, his mother had told him i had a heart attack.
His hands were shaking, tears streaming down his face, he wasn’t sure he should come talk to me but he had to do, when he heard i’d had a heart attack he had thought i had died and would never get the chance to tell what he needed to. he asked to talk to me and we went for a drive. He took all the blame, for everything, told me he had always loved me, didn’t I know that? hadn’t he told me? He never wanted it to end, he just wanted his life to change and he threw the baby out with the bathwater (exactly what i had said to him when he wanted to end it). He was telling me everything I had ever wanted to hear only he had given me the exact same speech when he showed up after 3 months no contact and said he had 6 months to live so I was able to control my emotions to some degree.
when i got out of the truck he grabbed my hand (in the way he always used to when he was trying to appear sincere) and looked deep into my eyes and said, “I will always love you Carrie.” and he kissed me and said, “I don’t care if she sees, I can’t lie, I love you.”
I thought I was fine with it, that I knew he was lying and I was in control but the minute I got home I fell apart. I knew it was lies but I still hurt. I knew he must be up to something so I unblocked him on FB and checked. He had gotten engaged 8 days prior.
THEN i fell apart. I thought omg I was doing so well and now I am right back where i started from.
He kept showing up at my door, telling me he wanted to make me a success like him. I said, “The only thing you are successful at is You found yourself a widow with money. I don’t want you help. I don’t want to be your friend.” He said,”Sshhh, don’t say anything. just let things play out, you don’t know what the future holds.”
The next time he called I told him again i couldn’t be his friend and he said, “If we can’t be friends then we will never have more.’ WTF???
I sent him and email and cc’d his new fiance and I laid out all the shitty things he had done to me over the course of 10 years. I think it was 14 pages. At the end I asked him to please stop showing up where I worked, stop coming by my house and accept the fact I will never be his friend.
A week later he showed up where I work again this time with her in the car (they were in her new car) I ignored him but he was waiting by my truck when i left. He handed me a legal size brown envelop with my computer cord in it (he used to take all the cords for my laptop and phone so I was reliant on him to charge them for me) anyway when I got home I took the cord out and found a letter from him telling me to get on with my life, he had met the love of his life and was getting married and he would never be there for me again. I had to accept it and move on. LOL I felt like writing him back and saying, “You can’t dump me, I already dumped you!!” but I just blocked him again.
It took me a couple of weeks but I got back to the place I had been when he showed up. It has taken 3 years but I can honestly say I am over him, as much as anyone can get over sleeping with the devil.
I actually credit him with making my life better than it ever was, I am more confident, more at peace and so fricken grateful to never walk on egg shells again. He tried to destroy me and almost succeeded but when you get taken down to zero and you try to put yourself back together you have to analyze every aspect of yourself and when you do that you realize you are a good person, you aren’t what he told you you were.
i realized I had a disconnect between the man i loved and the one who hurt me. We don’t want to believe we could love someone that cruel, we assign them emotions they don’t feel because that is what we would feel and want them to feel.
you will be ok, have a good cry, go back to no contact and know it is normal to have a set back, it actually will leave you feeling more healed and freer once you get through it. i call it a healing crisis. Something sets you back and feelings flood you. When you are with the n you bury a lot of the hurt because it is just too painful to deal with at the time. Once you have healed your mind allows you to feel more of the hurt that you buried, every time you have a healing crisis you actually heal a bit more until they stop happening and you realize it has been forever since you cried.
Hugs
Carrie
What a nightmare. I’m so sorry you endured all that BS designed to hook you in.
Healing Crisis is a great description of that part of the process of recovery.
We loved the person the spaths tell us they are, but it is a false persona. We don’t ever love who they really are.
AnnettePK, Thank you. I can’t take credit for the term healing crisis but when I heard it I also thought it was a great description. It is also like if you have a cut and you put a band aid on it, if you rip the band aid off too soon you will take the scab with it and reopen the cut. It might hurt like hell and bleed again but there has been some healing. So you put a band aid on it again and you bang it on something and it bleeds. It slows the healing process down but it does heal. Same as with the N, every time you hear about him moving on o whatever it rips the band aid off, but eventually you won’t need the band aid any more and it will be pink new flesh that is tender but doesn’t bleed.
Carrie
Hugs to you for that story ♥
ironic, hugs back! thank you.
Janedoe
Oh that one…yes! “I so deeply want to hate you but I can’t!” Jez they pick us well…. how did my psychopath know I’d be like this when I didn’t know I’d be like this?
Story; I had a very violent upbringing so when my careers advisor asked me what I wanted to be when I left school I said I’d wanted to be a trained assassin, that is hired by the government to take out child molesters, rapists and men that are violent towards their families. She told me to be serious but I was at the time…. now just over 30 years later I want to know what happened to that person I used to be? That person was so strong and determined to never allow anyone to hurt me again – gone! Lost, in a puff of smoke and nowhere to be found =WTF?
Ironic,
Your contributions here that strengthen other victims and help us stay on track, move on with our lives, resist the schemes and devices of our spaths and maintain NC, is taking out some of those spaths in a way. If you still have the desire to take down child molesters, rapists and violent abusers, perhaps there are opportunities you can take to do some kind of work along those lines? Maybe not right away, but when the time is right for you. When you do something like that to fulfill your original aspiration, then you become that person again.
Annette
Thanks for the hint – I’ll get myself involved in some charity work for victims as Joyce suggested too.
I did feel the same way too. Despite the cheating and the lies, I even agreed to give him another chance and attend marriage counseling. He continued his cheating while on counseling, he lied to the counselor and after 6 sessions she was declared “mentally ill” also. I continued to see her and once she asked me “why do you want to stay with a person who disrespects you in the worst way , who stabs you with the knife and then twists it a few times to inflict additional pain “? My answer was “because I love him”. She said “no you don’t love him, you are addicted to him like a drug. ”
When I finally had enough and filed for divorce, it felt like this huge weight fell of me. All of a sudden I could be true to myself, to my son and stand up for myself.
I had to get to a certain point in my life where I was done with him. He was playing with my mind, my health. Luckily I did not get any deceased from his perverted lifestyle.
I finally saw the light. The darkness of him covered it all up. It is so difficult to let go big once you do it , it is the best decision I ever made. I don’t have any love for this man anymore. Not even as the father of my child. He is nothing to me. To put the person he claimed he loved , his wife, the mother of his only child , through 20 years of hell, is plain evil. I am so over him.
In the end he lost everything. His family, his home, his money, his respect and integrity. For what ? Some hot sec with the young co worker. Please , she can have him. He lost the privilege to this family. And that’s for ever.
100% in agreement with you ironic!! WTF!!????
I wish you could have become an assassin and give them a dose of revenge…sometimes there’s nothing sweeter…just scare them to death..not actually kill…and let them live and learn…although would that work with their twisted brains?
Janedoe
You’ve just enlightened me! Ahha moment! I now realise that it wouldn’t have worked as I’d have to live as a vengeful person full of hatred to be able to do it and that’s not the life I want for myself or anyone else….
I suppose that could be a lesson in why I attracted him?
Ironic
We don’t actually have to do the killing!! We can scare them pretty badly and when we see they’ve ha enough torturing…we kick them the hell out…ha torture and good riddance (wishful thinking!!) unfortunately I don’t think we have it in us to torture mentally the way they do! But revenge could be sweet 😉
Kaya48
I went on to discover mine was cheating at the time we were in marriage counseling as well. Sad thing was he went on to say, years later and in an argument, that I hate the shits about the counselor because he was on his side and knew I was crazy – didn’t know about the cheating at that stage…grr!
*had not hate…