UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Ironic-
Sounds like you’re caught in the toxic glue of a betrayal bond. Think of it this way…..
If you were addicted to alcohol, your efforts to refrain would build an even more intense sense of desire for a drink. Detachment from a psychopath can affect the brain in a similar fashion. Deprivation of the brain chemistry that made you feel valued and loved will cause you intense yearning.
That’s why it’s so important to have no contact with a betraying partner. The chemical addiction will wane without the constant feeds of a relationship “fix.” Getting out means slobbering up from the attachment and staying “clean.”
A couple of suggestions to help you do so… Immediately step up your physical activity in order to replace the love hormones with other “feel good about myself” neurotransmitters. Stay away from folks who don’t give you validation. Get involved in volunteer work or something that can give you an immediate sense of worth.
Some folks need professional help and even medication to leave a psychopath behind. The pain and rumination can be intense. Don’t feel discouraged if you need to take this step.
There will be a fulfilling life for you after you recover. Those of us who have walked in your shoes know how debilitating your sense of loss is. We’re here to support your healing.
Wishing you all the best.
Joyce
Thanks Joyce
I’ve tried the NC thing but in the end I’ve been thrown back into the pit by way of other influences.
I can’t talk about what is taking place or the reasons for it at this stage but that is why I returned to LF – to remind me not to get sucked back in while I do my part to make sure things work out the way I need them to (again can’t say anything yet)
Thanks for the tips though, I’ll get on the exercise wagon from tomorrow. Your explanation was also of great value xxx
ironic, when I was first freaking out 3 years ago (whaddya know, it was really 4), a counselor at a local county mental health center talked to me about breathing techniques. I thought she was nuts and didn’t understand my issues. Since then I’ve come to appreciate her wisdom: whatever it is (neighbor’s dog hit by car, in contact again with spath, haircut is too short and makes you look like Grandma) breathing right will help.
Nocontact
Breathing….breathing….OM….OM…
Nope! Not working lol
I’ll research that one thanks for the hint x
Everyone’s circumstance differs from others and NC may not be possible in every situation. Having a child in common or business interests are two such reasons.
When NC is not possible, it’s extremely important to keep focused on the basics that you know….. he’s character disordered, he will do or say whatever will get him what he wants, the relationship you had was nothing but a figment of his imagination.
Keeping your emotional distance is the next best thing to keeping physical distance.
Best-
Joyce
AnnettePK
Why on earth do we know what they did is horrible but at the same time make it ok for them. Sometimes I feel like a masochist coming back for more. And I keep using the excuse “yes he lied, cheated and manipulated me, but despite that he was such a warm and loving person when we were together for three years, even knowing his lies and schemes I took him back each and every time! Arghhhh!!!
The spath’s fake warmth and fake love creates a bond for us. We are giving and forgiving, we bond and we take commitment seriously, which are good traits in relationships with normal people. The cognitive dissonance is confusing to our psyches at a very deep level.
A technique my ex P used was to love bomb me at first, and then when I was hooked, he gradually tested my boundaries and gradually did little abusive acts. Like the frog in the water slowly brought to a boil, it kept me engaged. If he’d gone from nice to his horrible evil true self all at once, I’d have walked away. The gradual descent into insanity robbed me of any clarity of thought I might have had.
I think just about all of us, certainly I included, took our spaths back a zillion times before we got out of the madness.
Annette
Yes we all did! Grrr!!!
AnnettePK
Am stating a fact for new members, something we already know:
Annette says “fake warmth and fake love”. Yes… FAKE!! But it can FEEL sincere to us.
The reason our abusers can FEEL sincere is because they have NO CONSCIENCE so they speak with complete conviction, no guilt to reveal the insincerity. But these type only speak with conviction and sincerity for the moments it takes to scam you. Then, when they have you back under their control, they go on to the next person, saying something completely the opposite… like you are a crazy women who won’t let them go… and again, they speak so sincerely and with conviction. That’s why Annette calls their behavior FAKE…. because in TRUTH, it IS!
Good point. Spaths can pass lie detector tests when they are lying, because they lack the physical stress response that people who have consciences feel when they lie.
Annette-
True story…. I used to own an executive search firm. One Sunday morning, I saw the face of a young man I’d just placed at Bache & Co. (now defunct) staring up at me from the front page. He’d murdered a little girl in Staten Island….. a few weeks before Bache administered their lie detector test. One of the first questions on their test….. Have you ever committed a crime?
He passed with flying colors.
Joyce
Joyce,
My ex Psychopath lied like that, about anything and everything, and it didn’t bother him at all. It’s like truth and lies are the same to him – whatever works to get what he wants. If a lie works he lies; if the truth works he tells the truth. He will switch back and forth between truth and a lie about the same matter speaking to the same person, as if the listener won’t notice. He will lie to someone who knows the truth and knows he’s lying, and then argue endlessly about it.
To him, it’s random whether he’s lying or telling the truth – it makes no difference to him. I’m not aware that he’s ever had a lie detector test, but I am certain he’d pass since lying is the same as telling the truth to him, absolutely no difference in his mind. His purpose in speaking words is different than a normal person’s purpose of talking with others.
Annette
You are so right, it’s like a death and you grief. Now him being extra nasty and vicious and vindictive during divorce proceedings helped me to speed up my grief a little. It’s been about 18 months since the discard and you are absolutely right,my sadness faded away. I honestly can say that I don’t think about him anymore. Even the good memories have faded away. It’s something that happened to me but will never define me as for who I am, what I believe in and what I stand for.
Being the victim of a narcissist or sociopath is an awful experience but I feel blessed that I am sti standing strong. And if I really think about it, this entire mess made me a much wiser person.
Kaya48
No matter your sons age he will always remember and grow to appreciate his mom by sound what’s right and showing him what’s morally correct. His father was not an example of the way a father should be and you rescued your son from it
Once NCis implemented it will be half the battle beaten i just have to get there. I have ups and downs. He practically love bombed me for three full years of course fully blown at the beginning but it continued until a day he left to be with his now-wife. Claiming until then he didn’t think he was doing the right thing, out communication would continue on a daily regular basis and that I was the most important person. Why the hell did I believe this? It’s so unrealistic it’s funny and almost a joke. But I fell for it and didn’t hear from him until I contacted him three weeks later. I started seeing slowly that this was not what i was promised and would hear only once a week from him still claiming his love. This went from speaking regularly all day long for three years to once a week now. When I point it out he claims now this is part of his new life and has to be serious…what about the promises we would continue? (I knew there wasn’t a chance in hell we would continue) I po
Kaya48
Message got cut off just going to finish up my point
I was pointing out to him how contact had diminished and I could tell he was only emailing because he knew he was wrong by all he had done..all the lies and empty promises and cheating. I explained he is a manipulator and sociopath and he agreed…he knows something is wrong with him. I stopped emailing and he on his own continued. I almost wished he hadn’t as I really was on a good path and now I’m back to square one after seeing his newly posted wedding pictures with the caption “truly blessed, I have a real gem”. Funny because his last email
To me he stated he will always love what we had and I am a priceless jewel…why do they do this!! I’ve been sickened by those pics that all my hard work has gotten me nowhere…
Even when we break NC and have a setback, I think there is still some benefit from the period of NC. Each time NC is broken the results reinforce the value of NC in our minds.
Consider that your ability to clearly see the ludicrousness of your ex keeping you engaged while engaging his new thing, happened because you stepped away during periods of less or no contact with him. It’s a way to break their control over our minds.
As rotten as he is being to you, he is being just as dishonest and disloyal to his new victim.
AnnettePK
I try so hard to convince myself “it’s not just me, unfortunately she’s a
Victim as well”. Things could be different now that she’s pregnant but I don’t believe what he says to me about loving me forever etc..will change. He just keeps
On lying, like he’s afraid of the truth? I also believe he has never told her about me one bit, which gets me back on the path to NC, cause it burns me that I wasn’t worth speaking about to anyone! That’s what makes me believe he had no serious future intentions with me if I hadn’t been spoken about
janedoe,
He’s not afraid of the truth; sometimes he just likes the results he gets from lying so he lies, and sometimes telling the truth suits his motive so he tells the truth. It has nothing to do with lying or telling the truth, it is only about what gets him what he wants.
He doesn’t think in terms of you not being worth speaking about or being worth speaking about. He just plays games because it’s fun for him to control people, use them, get something for nothing.
He doesn’t ever have serious future intentions or not have serious intentions with anyone. He could be with someone for 30 years because there’s something trivial in it for him such as a place to live, status, money, sex, whatever; and after 30 years he can drop his partner without a second thought if something he thinks is better comes along.
We naturally assume that the spaths think like us and are motivated by the same things that we are. Once I figured out the simple parameters and motivations and complete lack of restraints other than whether he thinks he’ll get caught, I can predict my ex spath’s behavior based on whatever input/feedback he is getting from whatever situation and whomever.
It is unbelievable, it is what nightmares and horror films are made of, it is heart breaking, and painful. Which is why lying, cheating, stealing, and generally harming other people are all behaviors that are against the rules.
Spaths don’t care about the rules and they don’t care about other people. They care about power, control, duping others, glee, perverse sex, getting something for nothing; and they are generally sadistic – feeling glee at harming others. They fake everything to accomplish some or all of these things. Everything they do is about these things, nothing else.
The hurt you feel at being passed over for another woman, at him seemingly caring about her, naturally makes you feel inadequate – like she has something you don’t have. If a normal man finds the ‘right woman’ he provides closure to any other women he was dating, and he enters into a new relationship. Your ex is emotionally cheating on his primary supply when he says all this stuff to you to keep you hooked and keep you miserable. To him it’s fun, and he will never change.
Dear JaneDoe, you said:
“I stopped emailing and he on his own continued…now I’m back to square one after seeing his newly posted wedding pictures…”
I don’t think it’s coincidental that the messages picked up as the wedding date neared. It’s his way of distancing himself from her so that their wedding vows are not meaningful.
That’s their problem. YOU are not back at square one! YOU have your freedom and are not burdened with being (briefly) married to this jerk. I’ll have a glass of champagne and celebrate, please join me!
No contact
It’s not that the emails picked up when he was getting married he had diminished his everyday contact with me as soon as he left for his gfs country the contact was minimal to about a message a week compared to maybe 25 per day prior. A drastic change in messages. But yes, I agree a normal person getting married would most probably not be emailing his ex gf days prior
To his wedding. And since them the messages remain butane one per week. He claims he loves deep down, thinks of me often and without any promises we may see each other one day…
Give me that glass of champagne!!!!! Lolol
I’m a couple of years out and I also don’t even remember the ‘good’ memories. When I think of ‘good’ times, I see it in light of what I now know he was thinking and feeling, rather than what he deceived me into believing about him at the time. On the rare occasion I think of a ‘good’ time, I think of being at a beautiful place or having a nice experience by myself. I recognize that he wasn’t even really there in the way I thought he was at the time.
It’s like he’s become a nonexistent entity to me, now that he isn’t harming me anymore.
kaya48
Beware the new and improved sociopath! My ex HAD to admit he did some “inappropriate” things towards me (he is vague, likes to imply and let people fill in the blank with what they think he means). He couldn’t avoid being judged because decent people witnessed some of his attacks on me. But… he excused himself, he said he went off the rails because of our divorce was so painful for him and for a while, he kept a low profile around town, and redeemed himself by stopping his public hedonism. His new girlfriend is a very impressive person, very kind, great kids, a successful professional, very involved with her church and community (gee. That describes ME when he was courting ME, before he started smearing me). And now, he wants people to forget his past and go back to treating him as the “prince” of the town again.
He recently emailed me, to see if we could reconcile. I forwarded his email to his girlfriend. OTHER women were happy to cheat with a married man. I am not interested in any man who has a girlfriend, especially THIS one! There is NO CURE for this disorder. He isn’t redeemed, he just recoiled. VIPER!
Notwhathesaidofme
New and improved alright! My P is crying, begging and pleading for me to return. Says he takes full responsibility for all the pain he’s caused, rattled off some reasons for his “insecurities” regarding our lack of intimacy and explained away the things he knows that I know…. what blew this cover was that he had cried for 3hours then took my hand and put it on his raging hard on and said “see I do find you desirable” BS! No man can be that emotional for that long with a hard on!
God only knows what I was thinking when I decided to hear him out?…
ironic
If I remember right, my first word when I read this before is STILL my first thought: “EEEEeeewwwwww” (as in, he is SO disgusting._
Tell me, did he see this scene in a movie? Because that’s what it reminds me of. That he saw it somewhere and it worked, so he copied it.
My ex, after expressing soulful excuse for having cheated on my with our employee, told me why I should not leave. He said it was “because you complete me”. But instead of melting my heart, I was infuriated. Why? The answer is because I happened to know that he cheated on me with someone else who he took to the movie “Jerry Maguire”.
Your dude wasn’t thinking of YOU and your heartache. He was thinking of getting some. He was treating You as his piece of A*. GGGGGRRRRRRRR.
Do as you see fit. If I was your sister, I’d slap the MFr for treating you as a commodity.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, the Jerry Maguire story reminded me of how I acquired an aversion to San Pellegrino water. I “found” a receipt for a pricey dinner (it was sitting on top of his dresser when I was putting away his clean socks). It was from earlier that week, on a weeknight he supposedly had a meeting. A very nice restaurant right on the beach. Two cocktails, one a lemon drop. Followed by a bottle of wine, two dinners (one chicken, one steak), and after dinner cognac. Clearly a nice date. For some reason, what hit me hardest was the bottle of San Pellegrino water, which seemed a show offy thing to me, something I had NEVER seen him do in the years we were together. I confronted him with the receipt, and he became almost panicky and swore it was with another guy after the meeting (yeah, and he ordered a lemon drop).
A few days later, we went out to eat and f**k me if he didn’t order a bottle of San Pellegrino “for me”. Ugh! I didn’t touch it. He even started buying it and keeping it in the refrigerator after that. I have never tasted the stuff to this day. Even the bottle pisses me off.
Notwhat
Not sure who he learnt that from but sure as hell froze over taught me something really powerful that day – and reinforced the lesson the next time he did it….
(Can’t slap him yet because I’m not the one that is putting me in his company but I can’t talk about that yet….)
ironic, in my experience with my ex, he got a hard on when he was being the meanest. It excites them to be cruel to us.
My ex did that thing with my hand too, saying “see how much I want you”. F’er. What he meant was “see how much I want to destroy you”.
Don’t believe anything he says, ironic! Stay strong!
Hanalei
I don’t believe a word he says – EVER AGAIN!
My ex used those tactics, basically blaming me for somehow causing him to act inappropriately and then blaming me for being unforgiving.
Good choice to simply forward his email about fake reconciliation to his present victim.
Kaya48
I think in your case you’ve done the best you can give yourself…protect your child. When children are involved its up to us as the abuser to have our parental instincts come forward and think of them first. Although I’m glad this directly didn’t involve them, I think maybe I would have been like a mother lion and taken control…but having said that I haven’t been in your shoes and you did the best you could and are proof to us all 🙂 I hope I can get to where you are very soon..
Jane doe
You are right, I wanted to protect my child. Even though my son was 17 at the time, it was devastating for him. He was a freshman in college hear, at a time when so much is going on, my ex took my sons sense of security , his family foundation , he took it all away. For reasons that for me are never justified. To be free , to date his co workers , to buy a motorcycle, to get tattoes, to go on cruises , to party and of course to be a pervert.
I feel very sad to this day that my son discovered some of the ex’s secrets and lies. I always imagined that it would not happen on our “family”.
Honestly it was very difficult at first, maybe the first 6 months after the discard. I decided that I cannot let the ex get away with that. I put my emotions aside and did fight for everything. Of course through my lawyer.
The no contact enabled me to do that. Any direct contact with the husbsnd would set me months back in my healing and recovery. I wanted to be “super strong” for my court battles. No contact gave me control back and I was able to think rationally and emotionally. Because that is where the ex always had control over , my emotions and the way I reacted to his manipulation. Once I took that control back I was fine. And I did have bad days in court, but I would never let the ex see it.
I hope you can get where I am now also. It was a long, painful journey. But I reachedy destination , to be fee of him. To not be controlled by him anymore. Once you go no contact it will free you.
Jane doe
So sorry what this guy did to you. I think the only way you can get over him is to cut of all contact. I used to look at facebook pictures of her and how she rubbed it in with posting pictures of their cruise tickets and so on. One day I asked myself ” why am I looking at this crap”? So I can feel worse and more sad? So I stopped. Many times I caught myself before looking at anything that had to do with him or her.
Do you mind me asking , is this guy on the military ? How old are you?
And yes you are right about my son. He will always remember that I stayed strong for myself and him. And he often tells me that I did the right thing . A few weeks ago my lawyer made this awesome compliment to me. He said “when I first met you, you seemed very weak and so easy to intimidate. A year later, you are a very strong person and I am so proud of you.” To me this was one of the best compliments I ever got. It brought a smile to my face. Some people at my work ash me “you are glowing , what’s going on in your life?” Wow. It’s too long of a story but it seems strange to say “I just got divorced “. In reality it’s the reason I am “glowing”.
Kaya 48
Awww isn’t that marvelous when it we exude a glow 🙂 good for you!!
And yes mine was in the military years ago but still works on contract with the govt and has been deployed for various work in afghan and Iraq.
I am 49 and he is ten years older but one would never know with his immaturity but his physical attributes..yes!
Kaya48
I love that you are glowing! The benefits of freedom from our abusers is hard to describe but I think that’s a terrific image!
I purposely set my divorce date as Dec 31 so that I could make a new start Jan 1. I had NO IDEA how freeing and empowering and uplifting I would feel! I do feel like I have a chance at life, yes… NORMAL upsets will happen, but that I now have unimagined possibilities. AND…. every year EVERYONE will celebrate my freedom from my marriage! haha!
Glowing… I do LOVE that! Good for you!
Annette
I agree with you. I think breaking the no contact rule is just a natural response from us “normal” people. I did it many times at the beginning and I think it helped me to see more clear, the perspective and the evilness. Of course I reacted to the crap he fed me sometimes. Once I remained no contact I realized that what exactly what he wanted from me. It did not matter if he received a positive or negative comment or reply from me, as long as I stayed “hooked” he was satisfied. I still get the nasty notes with my alimony check. “You don’t deserve this money, you got everything you ever wAnted , you do nothing and get paid, you need to ask your god if this is right , my son won’t speak to me”and so on.
I laugh about it. Worthless jabber. And surprisingly he gets nothing out of me. It leaves me totally immune. Whatever he writes , goes in the folder named “divorce from evil”.
And you are right , the new victim will face the same fate as me. He should stay single and have sex with prostitutes. At least it does not require any emotional connection, just money. If has any left after my win in court. 🙂
Janedoe, lol i don’t know if I am a glowing example of “normal” but at least you know you aren’t alone. lol i think most victims think they are ‘special’ somehow, that their special love will overcome whatever obstacle the relationship faces. i thought God had brought us together and I am ashamed to admit he played me big time, creating “miracles” when in actual fact he was one sick puppy willing to hurt himself in order to gain my sympathy, even told me he had 6 months to live, sabotaged my truck so he could rescue me. Most victims have never heard of a narcissist and any sociopath or psychopath they’ve see was in the movies. No one teaches us that these soul suckers exist and live among us, even sleep in our beds.
I had been no contact for a year when out of the blue my ex showed up where I did business. I had not heard from him in anyway the whole year. I had a heart attack and 3 weeks later he shows up, looking totally stricken, his mother had told him i had a heart attack.
His hands were shaking, tears streaming down his face, he wasn’t sure he should come talk to me but he had to do, when he heard i’d had a heart attack he had thought i had died and would never get the chance to tell what he needed to. he asked to talk to me and we went for a drive. He took all the blame, for everything, told me he had always loved me, didn’t I know that? hadn’t he told me? He never wanted it to end, he just wanted his life to change and he threw the baby out with the bathwater (exactly what i had said to him when he wanted to end it). He was telling me everything I had ever wanted to hear only he had given me the exact same speech when he showed up after 3 months no contact and said he had 6 months to live so I was able to control my emotions to some degree.
when i got out of the truck he grabbed my hand (in the way he always used to when he was trying to appear sincere) and looked deep into my eyes and said, “I will always love you Carrie.” and he kissed me and said, “I don’t care if she sees, I can’t lie, I love you.”
I thought I was fine with it, that I knew he was lying and I was in control but the minute I got home I fell apart. I knew it was lies but I still hurt. I knew he must be up to something so I unblocked him on FB and checked. He had gotten engaged 8 days prior.
THEN i fell apart. I thought omg I was doing so well and now I am right back where i started from.
He kept showing up at my door, telling me he wanted to make me a success like him. I said, “The only thing you are successful at is You found yourself a widow with money. I don’t want you help. I don’t want to be your friend.” He said,”Sshhh, don’t say anything. just let things play out, you don’t know what the future holds.”
The next time he called I told him again i couldn’t be his friend and he said, “If we can’t be friends then we will never have more.’ WTF???
I sent him and email and cc’d his new fiance and I laid out all the shitty things he had done to me over the course of 10 years. I think it was 14 pages. At the end I asked him to please stop showing up where I worked, stop coming by my house and accept the fact I will never be his friend.
A week later he showed up where I work again this time with her in the car (they were in her new car) I ignored him but he was waiting by my truck when i left. He handed me a legal size brown envelop with my computer cord in it (he used to take all the cords for my laptop and phone so I was reliant on him to charge them for me) anyway when I got home I took the cord out and found a letter from him telling me to get on with my life, he had met the love of his life and was getting married and he would never be there for me again. I had to accept it and move on. LOL I felt like writing him back and saying, “You can’t dump me, I already dumped you!!” but I just blocked him again.
It took me a couple of weeks but I got back to the place I had been when he showed up. It has taken 3 years but I can honestly say I am over him, as much as anyone can get over sleeping with the devil.
I actually credit him with making my life better than it ever was, I am more confident, more at peace and so fricken grateful to never walk on egg shells again. He tried to destroy me and almost succeeded but when you get taken down to zero and you try to put yourself back together you have to analyze every aspect of yourself and when you do that you realize you are a good person, you aren’t what he told you you were.
i realized I had a disconnect between the man i loved and the one who hurt me. We don’t want to believe we could love someone that cruel, we assign them emotions they don’t feel because that is what we would feel and want them to feel.
you will be ok, have a good cry, go back to no contact and know it is normal to have a set back, it actually will leave you feeling more healed and freer once you get through it. i call it a healing crisis. Something sets you back and feelings flood you. When you are with the n you bury a lot of the hurt because it is just too painful to deal with at the time. Once you have healed your mind allows you to feel more of the hurt that you buried, every time you have a healing crisis you actually heal a bit more until they stop happening and you realize it has been forever since you cried.
Hugs
Carrie
Carrie
What a horrible man (they are all a different kind if horrible) but to say he was dying was obviously not true…didn’t he know you would find out he didn’t die?? Lol
What a horrible bastard to come to you when he was engaged already..did he just assume you would not find out? Things like that just burn me possibly because its very similar to me (everyone’s stories are unique and unbelievable). I had a very similar situation…we’d been together two years and he had told me he met a much younger girl and they would be married ( they had never dated, I believe they met online somehow). He visited this girl one time and that’s hen he said they were in love and getting married. That was last summer and they just married a month ago…during the year from last summer a month ago, I had been told the marriage wasn’t happening, he had changed his mind, he despised her (and that’s putting it nicely compared to what he actually said). He lived far from me but we had been together during that year long lengths at a time. After his last visit in April he was hard to reach for a few
Days and finally reappeared to tell me he was gettin married and moving to her country…promised me full contact and visits and we were to try hard to make it work!!! Serious promises
Were made by him until the day he left to he with her and then Ididnt hear for three weeks only for him
To say they’d been married and she was pregnant…BUT.. I am still this and that to him but he loves her too..omg he seriously thinks I would want to be with him after all this?? Yes I have to admit at the beginning of all this I had begged him not to do this, he wasn’t seeing clear, I later in his arms sobbing and begging and he did his best to console me…promising he wasn’t going anywhere only to turn around to say the opposite..
It’s been a hard summer because its all fresh an all the emotions come flooding back to me and I can’t understand why he did what he did. Them I speak to friends and it feels I good to hear them say he’s a lunatic and I’m ok for a while. Something will trigger and I go back to crying and being hurt and so on
I’m getting there slowly as we don’t have constant communication much but when we do (maybe weekly) he apologizes over and over saying he loves both of us…ahhh I have told my story over and over I fear I’m boring people now!!! It feels good to be able to speak with others who have been there and done that! Thanks so much for letting me rant for the 1000th time, it helps a lot and I sincerely hope you are on a happy and healthy road to much success Carrie :). You’re a great example of what’s to come!
So true. I never missed him when he discarded me. I missed the person he wished he was. But for over 20 years he did not change , because he can’t. He is still the same and I sure don’t miss the drama and the “crazy making”. Towards the end I honestly questioned myself if I was really insane. Be told me things and then turned around and then said “are you crazy in the head, I never said that to you.” It was not occasionally , it was an every day thing. I used to have nightmares about him leaving. And he did leave , in the most vicious way possible. He told my son “your mother is insane , she needs to be locked away”. And for that I can not forgive him. I will leave that part up to God. I definetely learned how to forget but I still have a problem with forgiving him for those evil deeds.
Like someone here on lovefraud said. “Relationships and marriages were never true , it was an illusion, not real and definetely not love. ” I believe this because you would never inflict so much pain and so many tears on a person you claim to love. And to top it, get pleasure and satisfaction out of it”.
Lady with a truck,
You put so nicely in those words. Like a cut requiring a band aid. Eventually the “bleeding” will stop , you are right. It takes a long time for the wound to heal and it will leave a scar. That’s for sure . If you take care of the wound, protect it and nurture it, it will leave a smaller scar.
Healing takes a long time. And even though I find myself at a better place, emotionally I am still not totally ok. It will take a long time to ever trust a man again. I find myself “safe” being by myself and not in a relationship.
Maybe it will change but at the moment I am in a”transitional” period where I just can’t trust a man again. It bothers me when people say “you should have a boyfriend, not all men are evil”. They just don’t know the wounds the ex has left me with. I am confident that with time they will heal.
Your ex came back into your life after a year ? What are they thinking?
Like my ex expects a relationship with his son(he is 19) after he stopped paying his college tuition, left us without any money, took the house away, was nasty and vicious in court , blamed me for his affairs, declared me mentally ill, and so on. And then he asks “how come you are not talking to me ?” They just don’t get it.