UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not
Wow. That’s crazy. You are absolutely right. I just ignore whatever the ex does. He does not have my email or phone no , the only way he can write his jabber us in the mail. Like my lawyer said “just file it away, it’s worthless garbage”. I am fortunate not to have minor children. I could only imagine his much pain he would inflict on me somehow. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. As always very helpful for me .
Ok I did it again… broke the NC rule but this time I’ve come away feeling more determined and in my power (somewhat)
He lured me there with the promise of coming clean and confessing to all the affairs. What he did was only expain away stuff he already knew that I knew and try to get me to tell him the things I hadn’t told him I knew. He also put forward a proposal for me to move back in my house with the promise of all things normal in a relationship while he moved into the flat out the back til I was ready to go back to the marriage…
The reality of the night showed me he’s still lying, almost certainly still cheating and full of BS! Total waste of my time but now I know without question or doubt.
Power to us people! I won’t be making that mistake again.
ironic
and you have not heard from him since all of this?
Janedoe
Yes I’ve had a text message every day since. My fault but part of the plan – a plan I can’t talk about yet…oh boy is this going to make a great movie!
Ironic
Will you at least be an assassin in the movie!!??? 😉
Yes janedoe absolutely!
My ex P did the exact same thing a couple of times. Said he wanted to meet me and I agreed to. He ‘confessed’ a few things I had caught him in months before. He ‘apologized’ for some random lie that I’d called him out on. It was total BS, and total lying. As soon as I brought up some real issues that needed to be addressed, he started abusing, insulting, blaming, accusing, and bullying me. He had another agenda.
Annette
My P is the same. I’ve blindsided him several times with information he wasn’t expecting me to have and at first he’s all tongue tied and speaking at 100 miles per hour until he thinks of a way to turn it back on me which is usually hostile = anything to avoid detection!
How interesting about the lie detector tests. I remember when my ex was hired as sheriffs deputy he had to pass a lie detector test before getting admitted to the police academy. To this day I remember him coming home and saying “it was so easy to pass this test, I just manipulated it “. I did not think much of it but now I know he was capable of that. This how they function in daily life. It’s like a big game. I don’t think they can be happy. Even if they have a big minion supply. Its almost sad but I have no pity for the ex. Not one ounce.
Passing a mental institution every day on my way to work or going by the courthouse and a jail, I smile and I thank God that he did not succeed with his evil plans. Because that is where he wanted me to be.
♥
Not
Thank you. That’s exactly how I describe myself now , glowing. I find that I can find pleasure in the smallest things now. Not material things. Taking my little dog for a walk, a neighbor lady telling me “you look so happy”, a sunset or just the thought of being free. Hearing a Christian song about “holding on” in your faith, in anything , makes me happy. Knowing that I was brave enough to put an end to it .
I truly like your divorce date. Starting a new year with a new life chapter, that’s just great.
By all means it was probably the most difficult, most challenging, most uncertain time on my life but looking back, going through divorce proceedings was my way of freedom and empowerment. Divorce is always ugly, it destroys and it’s for ever. But in my situation it wAs a positive life event. And I will forever be thankful for my lawyer who encouraged me to finally stand up and say “I am done”. It was not about money, my attorney wanted to save my life.
Yes Kaya48
I use the word blessed a LOT. It’s how I see myself now. I am so blessed by God. I feel so blessed by the simple things that I recognize as bringing quality to my life. A rain that cools the day. A cup of tea. A funny cartoon. The list is endless. It’s not about luxury. I am so GRATEFUL. GOOD things happen to me now.
I confess when my life turned around, I worried that I was mentally ill! I worried if I was like my mom. She was what I think is borderline. My mom was depressed. I was depressed. VERY VERY Depressed. My mom was silly happy. I can be silly but only because I don’t take myself seriously. It took a while for me to realize that my joy was because I was no longer being oppressed. I had control of my life, my time, my thoughts, my future. and that awareness brings me so MUCH GRATITUDE to GOD for my BLESSINGS. Because I do believe in Good and Evil. And I CHOSE GOOD. I am not vindictive. It does not appeal to me. The only thing that matters is that I CHOOSE how I live my life. ANd with such a choice, I AM FREE. Which makes being JOYFILLED, GRATEFUL, and BLESSED… totally logical.
ps GOD BLESS your ATTORNEY and GOD BLESS ALL on LF! Because he has! Just by you all being here. If you don’t know now, YOU WILL!!!!
kaya48, How wonderful you had an attorney that cared so much! What a blessing for you…I’m also starting to find pleasure in the smallest things as well and it makes such a difference! I’m a teacher and now that I’m in my routine (this summer was hell on earth for me with so much time off) I’m feeling so much stronger…and people are commenting on my difference as well! I’m realizing how much he had control over my thoughts in life and even at work…I’m finally able to focus on myself and my students, despite the fact he has strangers contacting me weekly (men and women…so unbelievable!). It’s amazing how much these people can mess with our minds. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that….but, remaining strong and doing things for myself and my safety is helping empower me to be a better person, even if at times I feel so weak.
We are all so incredibly fortunate to get out of our spaths path, no matter how much it hurts, even if everyday and sometimes too many moments in our every day lives. “I smile and I thank God that he did not succeed with his evil plans.” We are truly blessed!
TDS79…. YES!!!! You understand what I am saying! We ARE blessed!
Not
Thank you for your beautiful words. I agree on everything you said. Isn’t it amazing how we find joy in all those little things. And I take my journey as lesson I learned. Material things do not matter if you are married to evil. I truly believe in good and evil also. And yes I feel so blessed that God put this attorney in my path to help me find happiness and peace again. After 20 years I almost forgot his great it feels .
God bless you and everyone here on LF. Stay strong and let God take control.
To All who say… but he’s still calling me saying he wants to get back together, work it out, misses me, etc.
This was a CLASSIC manipulation by my ex but not for what you think.
The so called “caring” calls were an excuse to know where I was or going to be, my Location, because he was in public or about to be in public with one of his many other women and he was making sure they wouldn’t run into me.
NOTHING is what you think it is. That’s the great heartbreak. It ALL has a hidden agenda attached to it.
Not
I agree! Just confused about the motivation…3 possible reasons none of which are your reason but equally as manipulative!
Actually could be 4 but WHO WOULD KNOW and I’m certainly going to believe my instincts over his pleading and begging for my return.
Whatever the specifics about the spaths’ motivations, it always boils down to some exploitive scheme to benefit themselves at others’ expense, and they are always lying in order to manipulate.
Yes Annette! He has one hell of a motivation to get me back but it is not for my benefit…
NotWhatHeSaid
this is where i have the trouble of distinguishing truth or false AND it is what i have to get over..friends have told me many many times i am an easy prey, because i tend to give the benefit of the doubt all the time, regardless of who it is, manipulative or not..
i think you got to where you are, by believing he is manipulative, over time? at the beginning did you tend to believe his schtick when he would become “caring” and how often was he contacting you until you finally said “its enough?”
you know i was wondering if its still considered sociopathic or manipulative if the ex tells me he cant lie to his new wife and he loves her and can’t have anything with me any longer (although when with me it was ok to cheat and lie behind my back) and has to live a normal life…is this something he says to make himself feel better or is it the truth when you’re a sociopath…since they don’t know what truth is is it considered sociopathic? of course i don’t condone being with him any longer now that he is married and its so difficult to stay away at times, but wonder if this is all part of what he is..trying to prove he has changed, or trying to get me to beg him to leave her..
Janedoe
It is my experience…Although I assume I’m not the first to have had this… I believe my P was TRULY loyal to me in the beginning and for several years I had his undivided attention. It wasn’t until he became bored with our sex life that he REAL persona kicked back in and the affairs started up again.
In the beginning I think he believed he’d won the “relationship” jackpot and he has done that before and will do it again!
I know this because he told one of the young girls he’d had a 7 year affair with that he loves me and wants to stay with me and fix his marriage – all because I found out about it! It would still be going on today if I hadn’t found out about it or she hadn’t had a one night stand and fallen pregnant believing it was his, but he’d had a vasectomy 20 years prior…Omg!
ironic
HA! She messed that up, didn’t she? Or rather, God did! What a game changer! Who’s the duping daddy?! Not your ex! hahahahaha!
Sorry that you’ve had to endure this, but I do like that even the best laid plans of rats go astray…
Actually notwhat, I don’t nor can’t blame her…she was told a huge pack of lies from the P and she was also very young so I felt quite protective of her. The one night stand happened after she had decided she wasn’t waiting around for my P to commit to a normal relationship but he was only available to her via email as he’d convinced her hecwas based overseas…long story but she was just as conned as I was…
Ironic
When your husband had the seven year affair with this girl, had you been married to him the whole time?? Did he have a vasectomy while you and he were together? And who does he think the baby belongs to in this case?? He does remember he had a vasectomy doesn’t he? Lol
Janedoe
I married him because he’d had a vasectomy! No way was I having anymore lol
He knew she’d been elsewhere but he was more concerned about me finding out then anything else….
Janedoe, if this guy is truly a sociopath, he cannot ever be trusted to tell the truth. He may occasionally tell the truth just by default, but that truth may change in a split second, even if he seems to have a steadfast conviction to what he is saying. In other words, even if he “intends” to be monogamous for whatever purpose he feels it serves him, he probably will cheat again when the opportunity presents itself – or when he gets bored. It wouldn’t surprise me if he popped back up in your life at that time like a whack-a-mole. If that happens, hopefully you will have a mallet in your hand to beat him back down into his hole. lol
If this guy is not truly a sociopath, he is just bad news anyway. You don’t want to mess with a married (cheating) man. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be with you and not string you along.
It sucks when you know someone is really bad for you but to still look for the crumbs of opportunity with them. Ugh. It can be so hard to let go.
Stargazer
It’s all fairly new for me and actually I never knew anything about sociopaths, narcissists or psychopaths until a few months ago when this all happened. Sometimes I think yes he’s definitely a sociopath, etc and then I think when he tells me he really loves this woman maybe he’s not a sociopath. All the while during our three years he was unfaithful and looking elsewhere for wife material I then believe he’s a sociopath..so it goes back and forth with me…lol
I was somewhat starting to accept he’d gotten married until someone pointed out a wedding picture and it put me back on the track of missing him and being devastated all over again.
You’re correct when you say sociopath or not..I believe yes, he is bad news to even have done what he’s done with the lying and cheating and vacations with me to turn around a month later to say he was married and she was pregnant..nobody normal does this. But it’s hard and even harder toget past it! Thank you for your encouraging words 🙂
janedoe
You do know that they – sociopaths – misuse the word “LOVE”. It’s classic spath word salad. That is, they use a LOT Of words differently and with different meanings than normal people do, their meanings are not even in any dictionary. To a sociopath, “love” means I drain your life energy from you. (gggrrrr. talk about needy! Is there anything more needy that a parasite that lives to drain the lifesource from their host?)
They call us “needy” but when they have NO ability to connect or feel love, any need is “Needy” to them. NORMAL people have needs. Starting with the need to trust that what they say has the same word definition, use, and meaning as ours. But sociopaths can’t do that. They don’t have the emotional capacity. They are emotionally DEAD.
Janedoe,
Well, here is what we know about your guy. He cheated on you and lied to you for 3 years. He then married someone else. So we know he is A) a liar; B) a cheater; and C) not available. You may never get an answer as to whether he is a sociopath or not. The sooner you are able to move on, the less it will matter as time goes on. I’ve been there more times than I care to think about – hanging onto an unavailable man because of things he said in the past or the occasional attention. When the actions don’t match up with the words, I always look at the actions – they are more telling of where a man’s heart really is. Talk is cheap. Be glad he married the other woman – she is now stuck with a liar and cheater. Sociopath or not, this man is a cad. I know you feel an emotional attachment, but that attachment is to the fantasy of who you wish he could be or who he may have advertised himself to be at one time. This is not who he really is.
Stargazer
Thanks again because what you say is very true. I will get there and stop falling off the wagon sooner than later, but as you stated, it is most certainly difficult.
Yes he lies and cheats and I have told him “she can have you and figure you out”
She is thirty years younger than he (and twenty years younger than myself) so he seems
To stick with younger woman. Odd thing is when he “met” her last year we’d been together two years, told me he’d met a young girl and they were in love and to be married a couple months later. It didn’t happen when it was supposed to an he told me they were finished all the while up keeping our relationship. He did tell me they were in touch an she wanted him to move to where
She lived but he wasn’t because he had hated her and her family and called her many horrible names. When I came to her defense saying its not nice to speak about her like that, he told me if I continued to defend her he would go back and be with her…
That was last summer 2013 and this summer like I mentioned after he and I being together on vacation, he announced he had some bad news and never meant to hurt me but he was going to be with her ad getting married…so yes he lied big big time, telling me they were not gettin married when in fact the whole past year actually had been spent planning the wedding.
janedoe…
What a piece of work! MR A*.
I can’t help but think he didn’t care what it did to you, he wanted the frickin vacation.
GGGGgggrrrrr.
NotWhatHeSaid
although various incidents happened throughout our three years together, it was this last final act that ended it all…he would manage to weasel his way out of the lying and cheating and i would pretend it didn’t happen…
yeh i don’t think he gave a crap what i found out…a confusing trait for a sociopath/narc though, is he showed sincere remorse for what he had done in the very end by marrying a much younger girl..saying he had to choose where life suited him better and he saw no future potential between us, but, again, i may be a sucker and believe in giving the benefit of the doubt, but the fact remains, it is what it is and he did what he did several different times with several woman only claiming this last one is indeed something more serious than the other shit he put me through.regardless of his remorse being fake or real..thats where I’m trying to distinguish between being a genuinely bad person OR indeed a troubled narc/sociopath…some traits he has and others he doesn’t.
janedoe
He might not be sociopath. People on LF lump several disorders together and they are NOT the same. He might be merely narcissist. Narcissists have a conscience, it’s just that their priority is… themselves. So they are quite cruel to the narcissistic supply, blaming their supply for not being enough supply. LOL! And blaming their supply for being “needy”. Yet, narcissists who constantly troll for supply are the ones who are truly needy.
Sociopaths have NO conscience and their main motivation is to dominate and WIN. They are able to seduce and lie sincerely because they believe it, they are able to believe whatever they say AT THAT MOMENT, because at that moment, they are being truthful, THEIR truth, it’s not HONEST, it just THEIR truth and one that no one else would define as truth. I thought my ex was merely narcissistic until he showed that he MURDERED, took lives, without remorse or conscience.
Sociopaths are narcissistic AND have no conscience whatsoever.
Narcissists have a conscience but it is very blunted, and skewed towards their justifications.
I think knowing the difference between personality disorders matters in that it helps to identify how I was scammed. But the outcome is the same. NONE of it is curable, and the only solution is to get away from them. In my case, because he was a sociopath, I had to cut all ties, to the town, the area, the people, and anyone who knows him (because anyone who knows him is a tool for him to harm me.)
Sociopaths, Narcissists, and Antisocial Disorders are ALL disordered personalities. But they each have their own aspects of manifesting. I like to recommend Dr George Simon. He is a therapist that gets it. And he doesn’t excuse ANY of their assaults. He has a website that is VERY helpful, and has questions/answers.
A narc/sociopath is a genuinely bad person. A bad man is any man that makes you feel bad. One lie might be a misunderstanding, a second might be a mistake, the third is a pattern of behavior.