UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
“Just Like His Father” will give you insight into how character disorder develops. The pre-disposition to character disorder is thought to be genetic. But problems with oxytocin receptors can develop through social interaction as well and is often visible in early childhood.
There are many paths the disorder can take, aspd, borderline, narcissism, psychopathy, etc. The path the disorder takes can often be shaped by social impacts in early development. For example, my son, the son of a psychopath, was abandoned by his father at an early age. He developed borderline personality disorder which results from the combination of genetically weak empathy and a heightened fear of abandonment.
As a parent of a child without empathy, who, fortunately is no longer a child, I can say that his lack of empathy and caring was obvious to me even as a small child. He had no connection to his impact on others but was greatly over sensitive about himself. It made him the kid who was frequently left out of the other children’s games.
A child with no empathy, if treated abusively, would be likely to become ghoulish, while a child with low empathy from a more stable home would be more prone to white collar crime or marital infidelity/social abuses.
One’s brain chemistry, which results from dna, is at the heart of empathy development, but there are extenuating impacts in development that can heighten, shape or diminish the effect. Dr. LANE Leedom makes suggestions in combating the affects but first a parent would need to understand that this phenomenon exists so they could take action. As a parent of a child who lacked empathy, I took my son to several therapists. Each one tried to ameliorate his behaviors, but not one ever mentioned the underlying components or suggested any means to address it.
Parents are largely in the dark about development of empathy in their kids.
Joyce
Correction, the author of “Just Like His Father” is mis-spelled as the result of my auto correct which is not allowing me to make the change. Suffice it to say, look for L. Leedom.
Joyce
Joyce, Kaya and All, I ran across a picture of my ex taken when he was about 14. The character I learned to identify as The Spath was already there. All stony eyes and stern countenance, it was apparent he thought his adopted parents had given him a crappy life while he was entitled to more/better. The photo virtually reeked of the disorder and hostility that I later blamed myself for.
I imagine as sad as it all is, that it was freeing for you to recognize that all the stuff he blamed you for and you blamed yourself for, is not your fault.
Funny you mention that NoContact. My ex has a picture of him at 17 and his eyes are dead. Stone cold. Even scary. We went to high school together and when we reconnected in our 30s I couldn’t believe he was the same man! He was so charismatic! Turns out, he was the same creepy person. But after nearly 30 years, its apparent he’s had LOTS of practice masking his true self….It makes me sick to my stomach to think I allowed him into my life and heart.
Thank you so much. I will definetely look for this book.y biggest worry in life was that my only child, my son would be like his father. There was such a pattern in every generation. But I am truly blessed that he turned out to be the total opposite and I hope that my values, personality and behavior influenced him in a positive way. At 19 my son is a very humble, caring , compassionate caring young man. He has his priority on a good education, he is involved in my church and he is nothing his father. Thank God. I hope he will be a much better husband and father one day. And hopefully this evilness stopped with my ex’s generation.
I appreciate all your great comments. I have learned so much about these personality disorders and knowing about this, educating myself helped me tremendously to realize that none if this is my fault. And I will never take any blame or responsibility for his actions. I think when I was stuck in that stage where I blamed myself for his cheating I was not able to go on, heal and recover. That is why the no contact is so helpful for me. He cannot provoke or blame. He can tell his minions. Maybe they will listen.
One thing I noticed is that I still have a lot of problems with trusting someone , making a mistake at work. I immediately think it’s all my fault and I will be fired/discarded. I have to work on that. Luckily I have a great boss and a good work environment. They know what I have been through and are very supportive.
Kaya48
I agree that this information has been very educating, an interesting thread of conversation for me to ponder – Joyce is, as always, a wealth of knowledge.
I can relate to your feelings of mistrust at work, I was involved with a judgment of my work last week and it made me feel frozen in my ability to move forward. I spoke to the boss about what I was experiencing and what had taken place regarding my marriage and separation and she gave me the compassion I required to move forward with a feeling of security in my job – honesty certainly does pay!
Once harmed, our own psyches experience a change that can show up in fear, brittleness, hyper vigilance and other ways. We experienced a trauma and can react with post traumatic stress disorder. A good therapist who specializes in treating victims of psychopathic abuse could help. And, even though your son seems to be doing well, it could be beneficial for him to have the support and knowledge of therapy as well. That way, his take on his father is not based on your experiences, but rather on third party, knowledgeable awareness.
Joyce
JM
Thank you so much for your great advice which I value so much. It was my marriage counselor who labeled my ex as a narcissist, borderline sociopath. She suggested a divorce after she met him about 3 times. Something she usually never suggests. In her 20 years of being a family therapist she had never met someone so cruel in his emotions as my ex. I did not follow her advice them but I did about a 9 months later when I filed for divorce.
I talked to her the other day. Her words were “he did not deserve your love, your kindness, your compassion and he did not deserve having this beautiful family. ”
Her words are so true.
Throughout my situation I have learned that it is better and more beneficial, healthier and it’s really the only option and that is to end it, divorcing him and never having to look at him again.
No contact
How interesting. I looked at pictures of my ex one day when he was little. I have never seen such cold, emotionless eyes in my life. Even his army pictures were the same. And especially his police academy photos. It showed an evil look . Very scary.
AnnettePK
I love your description of a narc/sociopath. I will print it and hang on the fridge because many times I have to convince myself to stop trying to find the good times and the good things in him. The statement you made is very true I almost feeling like emailing it to him but it may ruin my NC unfortunately!
The good times and the good things you saw in him may have been things you brought to the relationship, rather than things that had anything to do with your ex. Therefore, you take these things with you, and you have them to give to someone who deserves them and who appreciates you.
In this day and age, people are accepting and understanding to a fault. It is not popular to judge others, and therefore we are reluctant to discern that some people are harmful and evil. A generation or two ago, bad character was recognized. These days, it’s in vogue to accept any kind of behavior no matter how it affects others. When relationships fail, it’s a given that it’s equally both parties’ faults. That is not always the case.
Kaya48
Funny you shd mention the look in the picture. I too, the other day was trying to visualize him and all I could see were his crystal clear blue eyes that are almost hypnotic..the way those eyes looked when speaking to someone was eerie at times. I used to think his eyes are what got him the women he was with. but one eyelid seemed to droop much more than other one, now it just looks sly and devious when i picture that one eye!! lolol
i suppose a person can have physical characteristics as well that make him what he is…they were pretty fierce
No contact
Yes! A louse it is..a pesky little louse I would love to squish with my foot 😉
Thanks 🙂
Jane doe
My ex had one eyelid dropping a little also, how strange is that. I don’t miss his mean, evil look, his thin lips that yelled at me in his drill seargent voice. Come to think of it, he did not laugh much. He could make fun about other people or over hurting people’s emotions. Once a neighbor said while my mom was visiting “wow , you two look like sisters , complimentingy mom . My ex said to me “ha, see how old you look and was laughing like crazy. A co worker of his said to me “you are so nice, I did not know he had a wife”. When I told the ex his answer was “he does not know what a f***b*** my wife is. “.
Don’t miss those times one bit.
Kaya48
Omg he actually said that to his coworker? I would think that coworker must think he had no class saying something like that..wow
Although the two men’s eyes were the same, mine didn’t yell at me too often but again we weren’t married and spent a couple weeks at a time together so it was different I guess, but like hours was in the army…hmm. And like yours he would mock and make fun of people to the point where he looked dumb doing it and I recall thinking that to myself many times.
Another thing that always found weird from the very beginning, was how his voice almost became a whisper when speaking to someone he didn’t know, a clerk or anyone he didn’t know…I always found that extremely sneaky and sly almost like he was hiding who he was. When speaking with me he was right back to his louder, matter-of-fact voice, the mr know it all that he thought he was..
AnnettePK
That’s a perfect way to put his empathy into perspective…did his actions match when he showed empathy..I have to say for a brief period but not enough to convince me he was very sorry. At one point he telling me when he met a much younger girl and they were considering marriage..my reaction was devastation where I cried and sobbed while he was hugging me tellin me things would be ok…did he really mean it? Yeh sure, for him it was ok, he married her a month ago. Did he make amends for anything he was sorry for? Looking back I’d have to say no, never. Did he stop doing what he said he was sorry for?? No..never… So all in all his empathy was not real.
This is a great way to see the light when I feel like contacting him. I never looked at it this way and what a jerk he is.
How did your ex explain his calmness when someone was hurt it in a case when he shd be showing empathy? Have you pointed it out that he has no feelings and what does he say to that?
It is 100% likely that your ex is harming and will harm the victim he married. I’m sure it didn’t seem that way at the time, but it was a good thing you didn’t complicate the situation by being embroiled in a fake marriage to him.
I don’t have contact with my ex spath now. When I was in a fake marriage with him and still interacting with him, I did point out a lot of things I observed and discovered – his cross dressing, porn addiction, child porn, lies, lies,and more pathological lies, abuse, cruelty, sadism, etc. It’s a long long long story, but his underlying motivation and tactics are pretty much the same as what everyone else has experienced, just a few details altered to suit me or another particular victim. Once when his brother was in a bad motorcycle accident and was being airlifted to the medical center, I was pretty shook up when we got the call from spath’s mom, and didn’t really notice spath because I expected he was upset. My preteen son spoke up, sincerely and straightforwardly said, “(Spath), you don’t seem like you’re upset.” Spath said, “I know (my brother) is going to be alright.” At the time, I just accepted his explanation that he had some superpower to know the future; he often claimed supernatural protection from God. This was relatively early in the nightmare with him, but it kept popping up in my mind as time went on and his abuse and all the pain that he caused escalated. I told him he was acting abnormally, lacked normal feelings; I even called him a psychopath, which was probably a mistake.
Ultimately, what he did was exactly what he would have done no matter what I did or didn’t do, and that was to lie, abuse, blame, accuse, devalue and discard me, wage a smear campaign against me and my son (whose now grown) that continues, and prey on new victims.
annettePK
what did happen with his brother in the accident? I’m curious what his reaction was once his brother was ok or not ok? how did he deal with it all…and your son isn’t his son? what does your son think of him today?
when you say fake marriage..do you mean a real marriage but now looking back it meant nothing? if so, yes i was not married to him but from day one he called me his wife…you know the love bombing crap….as far as harming her..its already starting by the way i see it..days prior to his wedding that took place a month ago, he had been referring to this woman as horrific names, she was marrying him for status only (i have no clue which status he thinks he has, he isn’t working, moved to her foreign country and lives with her, her brother and her parents in an apartment..nothing wrong with this at all, but he’s trying to make me think he’s a diplomat or something?) she only wanted a way in to the US and have a child with him..shes thirty, he’s 60..she is ugly, she smelled, and on and on he was telling me this bull…finally to admit a day or so before wedding, he said all that stuff only to try to convince himself that he didn’t want to marry her, but he was only lying to himself and none of what he said about her was true…omg who does this? either he was trying to convince himself that he should marry her, or he was somehow trying to tell me all the negative stuff because he was afraid to admit he loved her?? he’s a piece of work…
Hi Jane D., Sorry it’s so long to get back here and answer your questions. Thanks for asking!
Spath’s brother lived, but we did not know how badly he was hurt when we got the call. He broke a lot of bones and nearly bled to death, required several surgeries over the next year, and a long time of rehab. It affected his career; he was unable to work for awhile and I don’t think he was ever able to perform as he had before the accident. As far as I know, the effects will be with him forever.
I have a son from my first marriage which was good (I was widowed). We have no contact with my ex spath. My son has no respect for him, and sees him for what he is – an abuser, liar, pedophile, and sadist. My son and I both suffered from PTSD; it was a horrific experience.
In retrospect the marriage was ‘fake’ because my ex spath did not marry for the reasons that marriage is meant for – commitment, love, physical intimacy, family, the well being of one’s spouse and children. (He doesn’t live his life per the purpose life is intended – spiritual growth, values, enhancing the well being of others as well as oneself, making the world a better place, enjoying family, being proud of one’s career accomplishments, etc. – it’s all about exploitation and enjoying others’ discomfort and getting his porn addiction fixes.) He married me to exploit my son and me for a lot of reasons, including status, my financial security, and to prove to others that his first failed marriage was his ex wife’s fault.
Looking back my marriage meant nothing to the ex spath but it meant something to me because I loved who he said he was because I am capable of love, commitment and bonding. When I found out who he really is, I grieved the loss of what I had been deceived into believing was real.
Your experience sounds horrible and very painful. I am so sorry you were betrayed the way you were. You ask the right question, “who does this?” It doesn’t matter what the exact explanation is for his behavior, he knew he was lying to you and he thought it would work to keep you hooked. I doubt he loves his new woman because if he were capable of love and monogamy, he would have loved you and stayed with you. It appears that he probably told you what he did about her to keep you engaged and interacting with him as long as he could. Spaths aren’t motivated by the same things we are and they don’t think like we do. So it doesn’t work when we naturally assign them the same motives we would have if we were acting like they do.
I have found that the longer I am out the more clarity I have in understanding my ex spath’s behavior, and the less I care why he does what he does. I care about his new victims and their suffering, and I care about the damage he did to my son and to me.
Also, it sounds like your ex is exploiting his new woman by living with her and not having to work. Keep in mind that he is also telling her confusing lies about everything.