UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
tamikaye2…Here is an email I once got from my ex spath that caused me to break my no contact…and then of course he turned around and cheated and lied and did the same thing he always did to me…actually it might have actually been worse after he had written this. Don’t fall for it. It is a trick. This is why it is very important not to break your no contact…I knew I saved this email for a reason. I hope it helps you to see how sincere they can pretend to be, then once they have you on the hook again, they destroy you all over again. When you read what they say, it is very hard to resist them because you want so badly to believe that they mean it and are being sincere, but you must realize they are not capable of actually being sincere…this is just another sick game they play. This was written to me in 2010…I am well past his abuse and have moved on, however; this still triggers me a little bit. Please try not to be fooled. It is very hard to accept the fact that it is a trick, but it definitely is. I fell for it too many times. I had moved out of state to get away from him and he still managed to suck me back in with this message that he wrote. Some may say, well at least you got an answer to why he did it. It was not an answer, he was simply manipulating me by saying what he thought I wanted to hear and things that he knew would pull my heartstrings and feel pity for him. He outsmarted me and preyed on my emotions and big heart…but I know better now. I hope this helps you.
Before you decide to just throw this away or decide to call me out to certain people, please at least give me this much to say what is on my mind between you and I. Granted, I am not owed anything by you but I never had a chance to really say anything towards the end. I had to run to (city that I lived in)and just had to see for myself if you really left. We both already know the answer to what I found out. When I looked up at the deck (he noticed my patio furniture was gone), I kind of just stood there and really didn’t know what to think or say. I guess it hit me as I always thought it would and brought back memories of what you said about me never knowing that you left til it was too late. I’ve had nearly two months to think about everything that has happened in the last four years. I’ve thought about things before but never really thought about everything as a whole. I screwed so many things up that I touched or came into contact with all because I became so selfish and stuck in my own ways. I let so many people down and affected so many other lives with my actions. It’s not something really proud to look back on. Even to this day as hard as things are for me, its a lot to swallow. I am especially sorry that I hurt you so bad and let you down in so many ways. I blamed you for so much that was my own doing or just my shortcomings. I realize how much I meant to you at one point and how much you loved me. I am just sorry that I didn’t give it back the same when you were giving or needed it back from me. The times I honestly wanted things to work between us, I just let the part of me take over that isn’t really who I am. The person you met in the very beginning was truly who I am. That was always me. I just fell to pieces for a long time and really didn’t care to pull myself back together because it was just to difficult in my mind. I just thought things would work out on my end without any effort. I was wrong. To this day since almost 2 months ago I have been turning myself around daily. Some days are really hard and some days are ok. But I am doing what I should have. I know you probably could care less and it is completely understandable. But for all of the times I tore you down and shredded you to pieces I am completely sorry and who knows if I will ever forgive myself for that one thing. As I said, when I had seen that you were gone I knew that I gave something up in my life that never really gave up on me until she had no choice. I couldn’t sleep at all last night thinking about it and walked for an hour just thinking. All I can say is that I am sorry for whatever pain I caused in your life and that I let you down. I didn’t act much of a man let alone treat you like a person with feelings. So you know, when I said I was going to follow through two months ago with getting my act straight once and for all, I meant it. The one thing I did absolutely tell the truth about to you was that I was doing what was needed to move north. If there was one thing that I wanted to put straight it was that. I didn’t write this to you to start a fight or rehash any bad feelings. I swear I did not. You were in my life for years and this is something I just had to say and get out. I’m sorry for everything and I wish I would have chosen wisely so long ago.
Reading that brought tears to my eyes, they really know how to play to our sympathy. I am so glad you shared and it really helped. This has been very difficult and reading that I still mean something to him, really plays to my heart. I know that I need to stay strong and stay away. Thank you so much for your help
Yes they can read us and know exactly what to say to manipulate us…I’m really glad that sharing my experience helped you…It is extremely difficult because when someone sends something that seems so heartfelt, it is hard to imagine that they don’t actually mean what they are saying and that it is only just a sick game of manipulation. To us, it seems so real and we are full of emotions when we read the words that they have written and think that they have finally realized that they messed up…to them they are just words with no real meaning to them only used for the purpose of manipulation. They are not like us which is why it is so hard for us to understand how somebody could treat us in this way and send something like that but not actually mean it. If you feel like replying, please come here and read articles or post instead and you will be reminded why it is so important to not break the no contact. Mine used to tell me he wished on stars for me to come back, sounds corny, I know, but at the time I thought it was soooo romantic and I was so under his spell that I fell for it…only to be discarded yet AGAIN. Every single time I fell for it, he did the same thing over and over. He probably cheated on me with over 10 women. What control and power he must have felt he had over me that I would know what he had done but that all he had to do to get me back was send a “heartfelt” message or tell me he wished on some stars. Eventually it feels good when you keep no contact because you take the control away from them. It is so hard, but eventually you feel better and get your life back and are much stronger from all of it and you learn the signs and will be much more careful about who you let into your life. Hoping for you to stay strong and remember what kind of person you are dealing with… You miss the person you thought he was and who he made you believe he was…not who he really is.
when they say Just The Things You Need To Hear…they are being smooth talkers. Lying. Manipulating. Playing you.
If this man was truly confused, he wouldn’t be saying what all you need to hear from him. He would be saying dumbass stuff too. He would be haltingly saying he’s sorry. He would be BACKING UP HIS WORDS WITH ACTIONS. He would give you aloooot of time to see he is sincere. He would not push you in any manner. He would be actively pursuing a better life around ppl you both know so they would be able to say, yeah “Tom” never comes down to the bar anymore. oh, Tom? he comes to church every time the doors are open and works with kids at the youth center 3 days a week. Tom brings me out to lunch every Sat (his mom). Tom is known for his honesty and scrupulousness at work.
He would be creating a life that is good.
He wouldn’t suddenly show up at ur metaphorical door and say hey im sorry, damn.
He should find out where you are and knock at ur door with roses! If he cared.
He doesn’t. So he shoots off an email filled with everything you’ve every complained about to him, ever cried about after a fight. He’s stroking your ego with one hand and wiping his other filthy hand on his lying mouth while he does it.
He doesnt deserve you…he’s right about that!!
This is a very very good letter; I’m sure I would have fallen for it. I did fall for my ex P’s love letters at one time.
A red flag I see now is that he speaks in generalities; he’s not specific about exactly what he did to hurt you, let you down, screw things up. I found that when my ex P ‘apologized’ with a lot of generalities, if I asked him what specifically he was apologizing for, he was unable or unwilling to answer with any specifics. If he doesn’t know exactly what he did that caused the problems, he can’t change what he’s doing, and that guarantees that the same problems with continue.
Taralav, here is a recent piece of advice from Joyce Short to a Love Fraud reader having a terrible time like you –
jm_short says:
May 20, 2014 at 11:23 pm
Lov-
Sometimes, a good anti-depressant can help. Yes, it’s a crutch, yes, it’s enraging that another human being created so much pain for you that you need to resort to this measure, but don’t think about the role he had in creating this need. Focus on what is best for you in order to feel better. Either a doctor or a therapist can help you with that.
Ruminating- thinking of him constantly, goes with the territory. If you are unable to cut it off and want relief, an anti-depressant will do that. And ultimately, as you get your life back on track, your joy in other things will replace the constant thoughts that continue long after you recognize how toxic the relationship was.
There are many additional remedies that can help you stop ruminating”.. physical exercise, a hobby, volunteer work that raises your self esteem, and meditation, are just a few. If you are fortunate enough not to have the permanence of “family” with him by virtue of his being a parent to your children, your break from him can be more readily realized. If you have no business with him, no assets in common, nothing but the addiction to him, that he established in your brain, keeps you engaged with him.
The value we find here is not that there is one specific cure for our attachment, but rather an awareness that emotional predators exist, so that we can recognize and detach. The rumination is our way of trying to figure out where we went wrong and how we could have done it differently, or what we could do now to change the dynamics of the relationship. After all, if he were a normal person who really loved you, he’d want to know, and work it out. Unfortunately, he’s not. And he’s not really capable of love as you know it, he’s just capable of pretending to love.
It’s especially hard to let it go, but when you realize that he’s incurable and that everything was just a sham, you’ll be able to do so. Although he tried to make it appear that you were at fault, keep in mind that nothing you experienced with him was real or the way you thought it was.
We all share varied recovery methods in order to help each other and propel ourselves down pathways to regaining our power, but different approaches work for different people. Many of us have suffered through the heartbreak you feel and can honestly say that it will get better. You’ll find what works for you and you’ll have joy in your life again.
All the best-
Joyce
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I think she wrote this to me! I now know who she is..she wrote to me a bit thank you Bally
Thank you so much everyone, there is no better therapist than having people that have experienced exactly what you are going through. That is why many times in nursing we pair those people up that have gone through transplant with those that have not because only they can tell you what it is like. Same here, nobody understands unless they have lived it. Isn’t it funny how we have the same stories and they say the same things. God brought me to this site, and I am so thankful that he has. I have learned so much that I would never learn in therapy. I am using therapy to work on my weak spots. Getting that email was quite a kick in the stomach and my heart fell. But I know logically that I could never trust him again, and after he hurt my children, they deserve so much better. In time, I will learn that I do too.
Tamikaye2,
I’m so sorry for this miserable situation you are in. Spiritual abuse is the most difficult manipulation to overcome. Our Christian faith is built on the love of Jesus. Love your neighbor, turn the other cheek, forgive, believe, have faith. But Satan knows Jesus. He knows Jesus people, and he know exactly what to say to weaken a Christian and make them vulnerable to abuse.
As a Christian, I would feel awful if I doubted someone’s faith and it caused them to stumble. BUT, words and action must coincide. Your Spath is saying the right words- words he knows will move your heart. He is saying what you want to hear. But what is he doing? Yep, not much, right? For some reason, we victims want to focus on the good they say and do, and not the bad. Maybe because the bad is so painful. But, if this man really cared about you, and went to the pastor, don’t you think he would have done more than email you? He’s working you. He’s lost control and he’s trying to get it back…..with SPIRITUAL ABUSE!
I’m living this lie right now. My husband has “found Jesus” for the fourth time in our over 20 years together. He was ordained as a Deacon many years ago but claims that now he is truly saved. He prays for our family and our marriage at the dinner table and three hours later is in the arms of his lover. He attends church with our family on week and the next he takes his whore to church with him. Believe me, they know what works with us.
Please don’t put your hope in an email. Please remember the bad things he’s done.
Proverbs 4:23 says “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”.
We, the prey of these predators, do a pretty poor job guarding our hearts. But this short verse is so clear. Guard your heart, especially from someone who has betrayed you! You can’t take a chance that he really feels that way, because the cost to your heart will be enormous.
I hope you can stay strong. It’s so hard, I know. We want so bad to trust our friend, lover, partner……….but we shouldn’t trust a wolf just because he’s dressed up like your grandma. Little red riding hood could vouch for that.
I’m so glad you are reading and sharing! That always helps me stop ruminating about the situation! Good luck for staying distracted and determined! You can do this! 🙂
Hoping to heal you always have such kind words and advice and I love the proverb..-Tamikaye are you going to respond
Tami, why don’t you write a letter and post it here on LoveFraud? It will let you release some of the frustration/confusion you are currently feeling by getting your hurt out, letting off your emotions, letting you tell him what he did to you and your kids…..BUT at the same it allows you to maintain No Contact. He wouldn’t give a stuff anyway if you actually told him these things he would just use it to manipulate you more and enjoy it. It doesn’t matter what you write in the letter as long as you post it to us, not him!
And remember how you felt before you discovered his secret life, then how you felt after you discovered his lies, deceit, conning. Remember he raped you by deceit. You wouldn’t have had sex with him knowing he was doing it to her at the same time.
Yes you are right the trust is gone…but what makes it worse with them is that they don’t learn from their mistakes. They carry on doing what split you up in the first place. If you want to be cheated on, lied to, deceived, conned, manipulated and eventually totally destroyed, go back to him. If you want to move forward and not waste another minute of your life and protect yourself from being harmed, then ignore him and maintain No Contact.
I’m taking a mild anti depressant even though im not big.into pills. .I had to get something to help me just a little. So now he wants me to meet him tomorrow says we can talk..what he really wants are clothes and certain things he asked me to bring to him. I know I can’t go..there is no point. Anything I say to him won’t matter and I will leave feeling worse then I did. I want answers that I never will get. I am so restless every night knowing he is with her. Its slowly killing me. All the confusion denial. .betrayal. I wonder if any of you know this. Does the sociopath know that they are one? When you say they can’t feel love, when they say they love someone what do they think it is?
Tara, box/bag the stuff up and let him know what time it will be on the porch to pick up. Let him know this AFTER you have left the house. Don’t come home until the coast is clear. Better yet, drop it off at a friends house and tell him that. I have already written how I returned the stuff my ex wanted back, and I never had to see him…put it in a storage unit and give the contract and key to a second party. He will know you are serious.
I have a prescription for an anti-anxiety med and used it very sparingly but it has gotten me through some times I thought I might have had a stroke without it.
When they say they love someone, they are just imitating what they have seen on tv, movies, read in books, or heard other people say. Like learning the local customs so you don’t get crosswise with the locals when you visit another country. That’s all.
oh i so know that feeling where u just think about he and her together. u just cant think about another thing, esp when u are not allowed the escape of SLEEP. Sleep denied is about torture IMO.
with the narc, that never bothered me as i already knew he didnt love anyone. each time i left, i knew he’d be right with someone else quick. but it meant nothing to him. i never thot about him with another woman. he’d lie and say he wasnt with anyone while i was gone, but i knew it was bull.
once u can understand YOU meant nothing to him, you CANT mean anything to him, it will be easier. so he’s with someone else? to him, its like changing his clothes. some look better on him, some get dirtied. so he changes them, big deal. he puts as much thot into it, gets as much a rush from it as he does from sleeping with you. it fulfilled a physical need and that was it.
when he said i love you, he meant I love how you make me feel. when he said i will always there for you, he meant until i tire of you.
when he said you are the only one, he meant right now at this moment. he said the same exact lie to someone else, probably lots of someone elses, within hours of saying it to you, i’d bet the bank.
when he said he’s never met anyone like you, he meant he thinks you’re that one that might be his minion and never question his rule in his universe of ONE. once you’ve proven ur not, he’ll look for another and twist her soul up till she’s driven to medication also.
these are sick evil subhumans.
you have nothing to say him. and, he? he never had anything to say to you.
Tara, lots of good advice given here by your Love Fraud friends. You are very fortunate to get this wisdom…during my encounter I didn’t know anything about psychopathy and so didn’t have the guidance and experience of other victims to guide me out of the mess. I had to do it alone and my ignorance of the disorder just prolonged me being a victim. No one here wants you hurt nor harmed. I hope you use this good fortune to your advantage. I feel nothing now, I just see him as a psychopath, someone with an incurable personality disorder. I use my memories to back up real life examples of what I’m reading. He just serves as a learning tool. It doesn’t hurt at all and the only feeling I get is fear of ever meeting him again. He did boomerang back after a year of disappearing but I had then just discovered he was a psychopath and ignored his manipulative texts that spanned for 7 months. I wasn’t the slightest bit tempted to reply as was glad to be rid of the scoundrel…the texts just terrified me. I shaked when they were flying in. This boomeranging can be quite common and very harmful to the victim if they get sucked in.
The last time mine managed to suck me in was 2010/early 2011…and that was the last time he was able to do that to me…but like you say, he did boomerang… I got a message from him not long ago…he has to say that he was not “hiding from me or as someone else” because a few months before this one below that he sent I was getting anonymous apologies from him from a new email address he had created…like I wouldn’t know it was from him..they were really stupid with a subject line that read “WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT”…and then a message that said..”You deserved much better than how you were treated. Sometimes how
people act and choose to treat others is unexplainable even to those
who may be doing it. You were always a better person than I was and I
can’t say I was the same to you. I am sorry for everything you went
through and all the harm you were caused.”
Then a few months later he actually sent this from an acct that had his real name on it…
“Against my better decision making I hope I don’t regret this. Not being immature or hiding from you or as someone else, I’m sorry. It’s been almost 3 years of silence from me. I just felt it was time for me to say how sorry I am for how I treated you. There isn’t a motive behind this nor am I looking for anything. Sometimes people just need to be legitimately honest for their actions. I sincerely and truly hope you are doing well.”
He sent a few more after then but then he stopped because he wasn’t getting the response he was looking for. He had lost his power over me. I am sure that I haven’t heard the last of him. I have to go for a work trip in a week and it is the area where he lives that I moved from…when I moved away I was able to keep the job that I had and work remotely now but sometimes I do have to go to the main location a few times a year. Every time I am there I hope that I don’t run into him. I just don’t want to see his disgusting, lying, manipulating face or hear any of his ridiculous lies or empty apologies. If I wouldn’t have known better, I might have thought that he was actually sorry since he is still years later sending me apologies…I guess he would try to see if a few years would soften me up again. As far as I know, he is currently still married to the last girl he cheated on me with and got pregnant…when they had their child the name is a combination of her name and mine. Also the exact name of a girl from New Jersey who he had also cheated on me with during our “relationship” I wonder if his wife has realized that yet. I tried to warn her, several people did, but just like everyone else’s experience, the new girl did not care because of course I had already been painted as “crazy”… She will find out if she hasn’t already. I remember when I was in the process of moving to escape him, I would just lay on my floor in my almost empty apmt next to my dog with my desktop computer still hooked up so I could read lovefraud and type on the blogs. My name on here used to just be brokenpieces…and then I changed it to mending when I started to heal from his emotional abuse. This site helped get me through a very hard and confusing time. I like to use the search option on the blog to search my old user name so I can see what I dealt with and where I am now.
Bally
You are so right. Taralev is receiving a lot of good advice on this website. I wish so much that I would have found this website when I was discarded after 20 plus years. I found this website in June of last year. That is when I started the no contact.
My only fear is also that I will ever see him again. He lives and works in a county about 25 miles away. I don’t set foot in that county since he is a cop.
I don’t even hate him anymore. Hate would eat away at me. He is just nothing. I accepted that his only child was viewed as his “possession” . Had he truly loved him he would have never put nude pictures on the home computer. I know my son was 18 but when he saw those photos he lost all respect for his “father “. Also him claiming that I am mentally ill which is a lie, pushed his son away.
As always my son can make his own decisions. He chose not to have any contact with him because he hurt us too much in his path of destruction.
Taralev, I hope you will remain no contact. It really is the only way to heal. You can take my word and I have been through a lot.
Taralav, let us know you are ok and if you met him or give his stuff to a friend. Hope it hasn’t distressed you more, which meeting him is likely to do….
Bally-im not supposed to meet him until 530 because I work till 5. I want to go to see him in person but I know there is no point. Like my friend said. .all I will do is cry and ask him why he did this there is no point to it I need to not give in to that scum
Taralav,
One strategy that I used to get through the meetings was to observe him and note what I observed. This helped me to set myself in a third person perspective. And I used my observations to validate what I learned about the disordered. It wasn’t quite as wounding, even though it was still painful, I recognize how HE made it personal, not that whatever he said was personally true about me.
Taralav, I know the feeling of wanting to see the person….however it feeds a temporary urge and then leaves you devastated. I’m very concerned you do see him…you are like a china doll at the moment and need to be wrapped in cotton wool, not thrown to the wolves. Be kind to yourself and resist the temptation. This exploiter is your past.
Taralev
If you have to see him, don’t look at him, do not engage in any conversation. This is how I handled it.
My soon to be ex in court proceedings. I did not look at him at all. For the best try to avoid him all together. The only time I saw him was in court and that was unavoidable. I rembember shortly after I was discarded he came to the home several times to pick up things. It always ended in more drama because he enjoyed throwing ugly remarks at me. I once asked him “so where do you live now?” His answer was “why should I tell you crazy b……, so you can go there and harrass me?” That was his answer. Just insults. I did not think anything of it to ask him where he was living. I mean we have a child together. And he used this question to hurt me. Of course I was crying again. The best is not to have any contact. Only through lawyers. That really saved me. Lawyers are used to drama and he was not able to throw ugly things at them.
I wish you the best. Stay strong. And yes, maybe God gives us more than we can handle sometimes. But he will be with you through the troubles. He was with me when darkness tried to take over. But there was light and he guided me to it.