UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jane doe.
Wow. My ex would whisper also to other people, talking in this calm, low voice. It’s the mask he was wearing. He wanted to portray this caring family man. Behind doors he would yell and cuss and have his “dirty ” secrets .
I am glad for you that you were not married to him. Do you still have contact with him now ?
Kaya48
He spoke low as well? Do you think it had anything to with keepin a low profile? I always found when he spoke to others (when he hadn’t had a drink or more) in that low soft voice, it really made me think he was a sly weasel, but I laughed it off but thought it each time…and then times he had a few drinks he was loud and boisterous and he used to day things that maybe out Holden or younger people speak like…I used to think “yep he’s been f***ing around either on computer or in person with someone much younger just by the actions and way he spoke”.
He referred to something as being sexy, some inanimate object that we normally would not speak about as sexy…but knowing it was the way the younger generation spoke, I knew immediately coming from him who was much older, it was not the “norm ” of his vocab but picked it up elsewhere..stupid f**k…also forgetting I’m younger than him and know a bit more o what is in than he did…
JaneDoe
My ex did this as well. I knew it was manipulation, it took me a while to figure it out. And yep, it’s pretty sly! Funny what you said, because my ex is very handsome but not the reason I was attracted to him. In fact, I avoided good looking people, they tend to be used to the world falling into their laps. I was attracted to my ex because of his intelligence. He could keep up with me. I am a nerd. At the time of discard, one of his reasons was that he always wanted to be with someone young and pretty. What a supreme Jerk. He knew my age and how I looked when he married me. I wasn’t wearing a veil! But my ex? As he got older, I noticed that he looked like a weasel in his photos, a feral disease ridden weasel.
Anyhoo….By speaking this way, my ex achieved two things. 1) We all have a normal buffer, a distance we keep from other people. He got people to feel safe because THEY had to lean in to hear what he had to say. THEY broke the buffer zone. 2) They felt like they were given privy info, like a secret, so people are more likely to believe what they are told. Once he “trained” them, it was easy for him to do this over and over… that’s how he spread gossip, not just about me (but I received the worst smear), but about anyone he wanted to punish for not submitting to his control. Submit or be destroyed, that would be his motto.
NotWhatHeSaid
holy jeez are they all alike??? mine too was interested in younger females, someone probably to manipulate and have children with…his taste in woman were not the best, as i used to be able to tell from pictures of his online contacts that he referred to as “foxes, princess or my wife” when he spoke to them.. they too must have thought he was weird referring to everyone as “my wife” even if he didn’t know them personally when speaking with them he would call them this…of course he didn’t know i saw any of this crap until i confronted him…
loll yes yes yes…he looked like a weasel in most pics that he showed me..slimy and weasel but fairly nice looking but the droopy eyelid was spooky!!!
when he spoke to a stranger face to face, i sometimes had to lean in to hear what the hell he was saying…almost like he thought people were after him or something?? he worked with the govt and from time to time thought he was being bugged, or wouldn’t want me to say certain things online when speaking to him…he always thought he was an important figure just because he did “temporary jobs” with the govt..which i really have no idea what they were…all in all he just thought he was an important person and everything he does is considered top secret…which is not the case at all!! is that too a sign of a sociopath do you think???
You may find out that your ex’s temporary jobs may have been lies to cover cheating behavior or not working at all or something else different than what he said.
I find that lying is the number one hallmark of a sociopath because lies suit their motive to exploit and betray others, whereas normal people’s motives are served better most of the time by telling the truth.
Kaya48
I did a typo above and have no clue what I meant by Holden! Scratch that and just continue on oops 🙂
haha Janedoe. Hope you forgive my typos because I don’t even notice others. Guess that’s because I’m so used to my own?
Its so hard sometimes to acknowledge a spath. Thats why we are in relationships for so long before realizing the issue..and its because we adapt to our circumstances and believe what we want to believe. I believed that if i left he would come after me. Not out of love but control. I had felt empty for years, an emptiness i could’nt figure. Like the old saying.. don’t know what u got till its gone, or till you got it. My spath called me at my mothers 50+ times every day trying to contact, she would answer and ask him to stop. He told her how much he loves me and in the same 5 min conversation told her that he found info that i was having an affair(not true), and going to nail me with it.
Heart1
Oh I know!!! I felt lost when my ex P stopped contact for 5 days straight and only regained my determination to rid my life of him when he got back on the “stalker wagon” grr what is that crap?
I think they accuse you of the actions they are guilty of. It’s like a mirror. My ex accused me of being mentally unstable. In reality it was him who should have seemed help. I was always accused of something during my 20 plus year marriage. It’s so sad how we adapt to such a lifestyle. To think this is normal. After the discard almost 2 years ago I realized that it is not normal , to walk on eggshells, to be manipulated 24 hrs a day. I slowly learned to enjoy my life again. To this day I have flashbacks. It is a great feeling once you slowly rebuild your life. And I am in control now.
My ex still tries to push my buttons. He used to succeed. But those times are over. I ignore his worthless jabber. It’s all lies. Even when he told me he loves me. All lies. And I was done. He can lie to the little co worker/whores now. They might believe him.
Kaya48
Hmmm yes…the walking on egg shells and manipulation, anger for no apparent reason and the constant suspicion, confusion and torment on a daily basis is all but gone, but my problem now is what do I do with all this freedom? Im really bored, lost and don’t know where to start, finding a new life that swings in favor of joy rather than adrenal fatigue – did you just let your new life unfold or did you actively seek out a new one? Where did you start?
Ironic
I just let my life unfold. I now find pleasure in simple things. Do I get lonely sometimes? Absolutely. I just have this inner peace that I never had before. I call it a “transitional ” period. I decided that I am not ready for any new relationship yet I have to do some more healing and just the thought of a “boyfriend” kind of scares me. I do have issues with trusting a man, that’s for sure. That is why I am still working on myself , restoring my self worth and self esteem. That’s something he destroyed in the 20 years. But I am still here and I the feeling of being in control of my life is good. And I try to live in the present, day to day. Not in the past or in the future. I know that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.
If I compare my life now to the years with him, I feel much calmer , relaxed and at peace. The evil ex brought the worst out in me and I don’t want to ever be that person again.
Kaya48 and Ironic,
I’m glad to hear that both of you are progressing through your healing. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, just been checking. In here and there to see how everyone is doing. I thought I’d never break free of that constant need to talk to the Spath and take his abuse. Kaya, you were my inspiration. You spoke of such peace and I wanted to get to that place, so bad!
It’s tough still. I cry sometimes, but mostly, I relax. I mean my spirit relaxes. I don’t have to wonder about him, or stay on guard waiting for the next attack.. I haven’t heard an absurd story in many weeks. No one is mad at me. I’m not constantly insecure about how I look, or what I do, or what I cook. I don’t worry that I may snore and he won’t find me attractive. I sleep. In peace.
You both, Ironic and Kaya, are sharing emotions that I relate to. It helps to hear that I’m not the only one. As annoying as it is, I still miss him. Also, I don’t think I can trust a man right now. But I’m ok. That’s something I thought I would never say…..I’m ok. I’m not good yet, but I’m certainly no longer forlorn or hopeless. I have really good days sometimes. I’m beginning to think about the future and I know ….I really know that God has my back and I’m going to be ok. In spite of my Spath. In spite of his abuse!,, I’m healing , just as I hoped.
Thanks to all for leading me by your brave examples.! I hope everyone is doing well. I look forward to catching up.
🙂
Hopingtoheal and Kaya48
Kaya – thanks for sharing and Hoping, great to hear from you again.
I relate to you both! I’m broken but working towards healing myself. It’s not that I don’t trust men as much as I don’t trust my choices in them. The thought of having another relationship terrifies me. I’ve only got my past experiences to go by and I’ve slowly progressed through the ranks of attraction from N to Border line psychopath (my ex is way to clever and cunning to be a sociopath)
If I’ve attracted these people and haven’t learnt from these experiences then GOD KNOWS WHAT I’LL ATTRACT NEXT!
This is also the first time in my life that I’ve been truly single. I told my ex I needed to find my own identity, not an identity based on codependency but as me – purely me! I feel quite alone but know it’s time to discover boundaries I set for myself, care about myself only and start experiencing the things that bring joy to me, but I’m still scared and don’t know where to start…a little lost but early days and I’m not going to beat myself up over it quite yet…
The night before last was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Although I moved out 8 weeks ago, he was still clinging onto the possibility I’d return and I suppose I was clinging to some sort of false hope that it could all turn out perfectly and he’d learnt his lesson and realised the importance of loyalty – ummm HELLO! Not to be as he was caught in too many lies “AGAIN!” I finally got my desire to go it alone through to him and he’s promised to not contact me again. Strange thing was, I cried when I realised it was truly over? I’ll never go back but I couldn’t help feeling the loss – maybe all part of the grieving process?
I can relate to the calmness I feel away from him and your words are helping me see that all these emotions are a normal part of the healing process so thanks to you both ♥
Ironic
I felt the same way you do. Even though his man was evil I still mourned the loss if my marriage, my family, my security, my future. But knowing that it meant absolutely nothing to him and knowing is capable if just walking out on his most precious possession made it a little easier for me. I used to sit in my lawyers office crying sometimes. Questioning myself if I am making the best decision. And my lawyer filed the petition in court , I actually cried. Luckily my lawyer was available 24/7 to answer my questions and concerns. From the moment I met him I had this feeling of trust and just being heard and believed. All these my ex told me I was “crazy ” and I was so grateful to find someone who knew exactly how to deal with the ex.
It has only been 8 weeks since you moved out. It will get better. To this day people tell me that I have this “glowing ” look. I really do. I am 2 years older from when he discarded me but I now have this incredible energy and I truly love not being lied to or cheated on. It’s so much better than when he was making a fool out of me. Well, he tried because in reality he is the fool. Whores come and go but family is for ever.
Kaya48
I related to your feeling of being believed, finally and I’m so happy for you to have had such a wonderful support through the final battle. I to feel believed by my solicitor and it truly makes a difference although I suspect his solicitor is on his side too…after all, its the feeling of belief they give that makes them all this money!
You did remind me of a time when my first ex Nac and I went to counseling. It was the first time in my life I’d ever had a man tell me something I’d never thought I was… After several sessions on his own (because I made him go or lose me) I was asked to join the session. The counselor asked me to explain how I felt and what I was experiencing. I talked for about 20 minutes when he turned to my ex and told him he was a an abusive man that required additional counseling for his domestic abuse of me then turned to me and said I was the first woman to walk into his office knowing exactly what was going on – that I was clever and intelligent and deserved better than I had. Boy! You could have knocked me over with a pin, I was so shocked to hear that come from a man as my encounters with men had only ever netted me insults before that. He turned out to be a guardian Angel for me, at that time and gave me the strength to move on. It really didn’t take too many years before I was under the spell of the psychopath though – I think I need to draw on those strengths again….
Thanks for the memories ♥
My favorite quote of the day-
WHORES COME AND GO BUT FAMILY IS FOREVER.
Truth!!
Credit to Kaya48 for those words of wisdom. 🙂
Hoping
I feel so honored to be an inspiration to you and I am glad you liked my “quote of the day”. I am happy you are able to look forward to the future. We came a long way. And even though I might sound calm and peaceful there were days I could just “scream”. Days like when the judge denied motions and my lawyer and I were just speechless. But we just picked up and got ready for the next battle. In the end it turned out good. One thing I learned was “not to worry”, I let god be in control.
Just today I was thinking that in his last note “you got everything you wanted , I have to pay you alimony for doing nothing ” he was absolutely correct. For once he spoke the truth. What else could I ask for? I would not trade my new life for my past. Yes, occasionally I get lonely. I don’t cry anymore about the loss of my marriage. I have to admit that I enjoy being in control now. I hope that does not make me a bad person. I laugh at his “stupid ” notes and I think to myself “wow, I am really the winner in this”. Losing him was nothing to be sad about. Someone who throws his family into the garbage has no place in my “new” life.
Thanks for all your support here. This website is amazing. God bless you all for the strength and hope you have me.
So the psychopath finally agreed to leaving me alone, saying he totally understood my need to be alone to repair myself and the next day he sends 3 separate emails with love songs attached to them….
Gotta love false hope! And yet another dangled carrot I can’t catch – freedom! Lol
Ironic.
You are so right. Attorneys make the money by showing you empathy and listening and being in your side. In my case it was very sincere. My case was very interesting as my husbands or opposing counsel was the ex wife of my attorney. It was the first case where they were opposing counsel.
And yes, my marriage counselor told him that he did not deserve the love of his family because he was abusice, manipulative, evil being. Of course he did not attend any more sessions. He hated the truth about him. He wanted to be this loving, caring man. Which he was not capable of being. He wAs a always fake. Even with his son. To this day my son remembers times when he was put down and made feel worthless by the father. Like I said everyone was a mere extension of him. We did not exist , like an illusion.
I hope you will remain strong and courageous. Being brave and strong is what I learned from my ordeal.