UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hi to my lovefraud friends. I have not posted in awhile. Still catching up on sleep and its been 47 days since my mom passed away. I try to figure out where in my life I wronged to have the karma I have. Losing my sister 3years ago. .going thru this awful discard now my mom who was there the whole time. It is not right. I have been going thru mini discards I think. I am not sure if it is or not I wanted your opinion. My ex has been off and on contacting me since my moms death.
2weeks ago he asked me to meet him and I did. He said he Was Trying to get out of the relationship with his supply. I know he was lying. In weeks since my mom died I really just wanted him to care. So..we talked met up every other day. .he would talk to me about my mom ..he would kiss me and say everything is going to be ok. He had promised to show up last Sunday to help me move some of her things. .and said before he came over he was breaking things up with nikki. So…the Sunday came. I get this text from him::
Tara teuth is I talked to her n her n I r going to stay together bottom line is we have been apart for a ling time now n if we were going to b back together we would b I cant just think that yr all the sudden hping to be this perakn that is understanding n lets me do what I need to do with my son u need somoen who is going to b good to u n I cant I cant b I am in love wi5y another women I dont know why or how it happened so quickly but I am and I ha e tried to fight that fact for a long time because of the love u have for u but end of the day I cant break things off with her and if u contact her u will b another order put on u n this time I wnt tslk her out of going to court sye knows eveything thats the thing is I am abke to b up front with her n u I feel the need to not be able to talk to I have ur emails n texts saying if I didnt show u were going to start trouble bytelling her I have been seeing you.
Is this another discard?? I told him to go to he## and never look at me again. I just lost my mom. And he still needs to do this??
Hi Taralev,
It’s good to hear from you, but sad that you’re still suffering at the actions of your ex.
The questions that drive you crazy, like is this another discard? why is he doing this? sadly don’t ever get answered. Spaths will keep us going round and round engaged with them in a hopeless useless (to us, they are enjoying the power, control, and suffering they inflict) never ending cycle.
If you can stop having any contact with him at all about anything, completely, and close the door on any possible future contact about anything at all, I think you will find that you will get clarity of thought so that you will understand the sad answer to many of the questions you ask, and some questions won’t matter to you any more.
Logically, he is not good for you, he is causing you suffering, and he doesn’t care. He does not deserve your time and resources. The time you spend with him is wasted, you could be spending it doing something good for you, for the world, for people who genuinely love you, and in these ways for God.
Taralav, my heart goes out to you. I haven’t read all the replies to your post, but I did read kaya’s and she is right on the money with her usual calm, rational and graceful voice.
Don’t concern yourself whether this is another discard or not”what it is is ongoing manipulation, calculated to give him something to do when he is bored and take advantage of your vulnerability.
You ask – you just lost your mom and he still needs to do this? Based on my experience, in their view, it is the BEST time to do this”you are vulnerable, you are hurting, you want comfort, you want to believe someone you care about is there for you. These are all normal. But for these monsters, these are an opportunity to get satisfaction from causing you more pain, from seeing that you still love and need them, and to alleviate boredom.
The hard truth is that no kindness he showed you was sincere. The hard truth is that he lies to you to get whatever he wants from you at the moment. The hard truth is that he is keeping you on the hook by giving you this false intermittent show of caring. This is why breaking no contact is so dangerous – it ALWAYS puts you back to square one. It ALWAYS results in more pain, more confusion, more hurt.
I feel for you because I suffered so many mini-discards during my seven year relationship with my ex and until the final discard, had no idea whatsoever what I was dealing with or what was happening to me. I was such a sincere and trusting person”I believed stories from him that now seem so outrageous as to be ridiculous – but at the time, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
You have been through this cycle with him now for many months, working on no contact but falling into this trap over and over. I know that you see the pattern and that hurt is inevitable after every contact. I understand where you are – I was there too, but didn’t have the knowledge you have. I think you had been seeing a therapist for awhile, or working with Donna? If you stopped doing that, consider that this might be a good time to go back, and work on getting strength so that you don’t fall into this trap again. Your ex knows for sure that when he comes around, you will respond, he can do whatever he wants to you/with you and then walk away, hurting you and (cherry on top) blaming YOU for anything and everything. I know this for sure because it happened to me, again and again.
It is time to change your numbers. It is time to enforce no contact as if your life depends on it, because it does. It may even be time to move far, far away. It is time to stop the pain. Admit to yourself you see the pattern and any contact with this man results in pain and confusion to you. Don’t give him the chance to do you more harm.
Honestly, there is more than enough s**t for us to deal with in putting our lives back together and getting our minds right AFTER we go no contact without prolonging the agony.
You have got one that wants to just keep on coming back. I’ve read this is common. I see I was lucky to have one that moved on to a new full time relationship after he pulled the rug out from under my life. I have read that their technique is to keep many women in different stages at all times – new prospects, grooming, new relationships, primary relationships, phasing out of primary relationships, etc. and that they hang on until they no longer have ANY use for you, or they have used you all up, and only then do they go away. Some keep you on the bench forever, some seem to go away and resurface years later. Every time your ex comes back and gets gratified by your response to him, it FEEDS him. It is clear to me that over the seven years of my relationship with my ex, during each mini-discard he KNEW FOR SURE I’d entertain his crap when he decided to come back, after he got bored with whoever he was pursuing, or they walked away from him. He knew he didn’t risk a thing, because he’d always get fed by my response when he came back. Meanwhile, those mini-discards devastated me. This is what is happening to you.
This won’t ever work out right. Be strong. I’m looking forward to the day when you write a post that says you stayed no contact when he tried to contact you and even though it was hard, you did it and you are proud of yourself.
I want to add a few things. I’ve been quiet here lately. I’ve been struggling to get my life back on track for awhile, and these last 6 months after the shared home sold seem to have been harder on me than the previous 2 1/2 years after the final discard.
Although I rarely think about my ex, the damage he caused to me and my life continues and pops up in the most unexpected ways.
I long to feel at home in the world like I did before he was in my life. Some days, I worry that I will never feel that again, but I am old and wise enough to know that this will pass. I long to be settled, but it seems elusive. Maybe God or the Universe is trying to tell me it’s not time yet – that this time is necessary before that happens.
A few months ago I wrote that I had cut ties with the only local friend I have because the friendship was hurting me. Last week that friend contacted me and we tentatively made plans to meet for lunch later this week. I’m lonely. I could use someone in my life. Since then, my gut has said, don’t go. Don’t reopen that door. Hold out for someone you do not have to be wary with, someone who won’t say things that make you doubt yourself or that will cook on your mind days after they were said.
This week, I am working on being gentle and loving with myself. Reminding myself that all will come in due time, and this time is not lost.
Words of encouragement welcome.
Your decision is an inspiration, that you are not compromising due to loneliness, and listening to your intuition which many of us ignored and ended up embroiled with a spath.
My experience is that when you choose well in a small ‘test’ or challenge, that it empowers you and that the friends you are holding out for will soon come into your life.
Thank you Annette! It is exactly because I didn’t listen to my intuition (that I now realize was screaming at me) when I got and stayed involved with my ex that is keeping me strong here.
Maybe I’m finally learning how to protect myself.
I am working with a real estate agent shopping for a home to buy. He has done a thing or two that reminded me of my ex, and I shook it off. On Saturday, we were at a home and he told me to download google earth so that I could check out the neighborhoods ahead of time. I hesitated and he looked straight in my eyes and said “Hanalei, do as you’re told”. A chill went down my spine”my ex must have said that hundreds of times. It was inappropriate, it was unprofessional.
Won’t be working with him from now on.
GOOD for YOU Hanalei. Jerk was totally controlling and you recognized the red flag. That real estate agent wasn’t working FOR you, he was working ON you. SNAKES alive!
HanaleiMoon
Your posts reminds me of a cartoon I have, a set of big eyes on black and the balloon words “I know when one door closes another one opens, but these hallways are a bitch!”
In retrospect, I realize phases of my recovery. I dated/was married for over 20 years so I was pretty entrenched in the abuse. At first I didn’t want contact with anyone, I just didn’t have the emotional reserve to discern who would harm me. So I became reclusive, I stopped ALL so I didn’t have to worry where the harm was coming from.
Eventually I realized I was lonely. So I volunteered at my local library (because I love books) and at my local airport (because I love helping people and travel). That was my social connection, but I still didn’t have ANY friends because I couldn’t trust myself to discern good versus users.
NOW it’s been a while and I feel capable of BEING a friend, not just NEEDING someone to care. I have signed up for some community classes that interest me, and from those classes, we have formed a little social group that goes for coffee after because we enjoy each other’s company.
I am saying, for ME, it’s been baby steps. I did have to stop waiting and be proactive, but first I just made myself leave the house, then I made myself speak to people, then I made myself make eye contact when I spoke to them… etc etc. It was a PROCESS done in baby steps.
I didn’t enter the dating world. (granted, I am older and ugly so not likely to find a sweetheart) … but I am finding laughter and letting myself be ME again, and being accepted by others and that is very nurturing for me. I don’t tell anyone about my ex. He is my past. That helps me to avoid seeming needy. My little group shares about our common interest. And my jewel of a therapist is where I discuss my need for emotional support for my “issues”)
I apologize for seeming to make my reply about me, I wanted to share HOW I moved from empty and hurting and so very very lonely… into having an actual social circle again. I am amazed because I was SO SURE that no one would ever like me ever again. (the one poison my ex did so well, using my childhood certainty that something unknown to me was why no one would ever love me. That’s what a wee little girl said to explain why her birth family could not love her, because there was something wrong with ME. NOT TRUE. But my ex tapped into that. What an EVIL JERK!!)
Hey, if you were in my city, I’d grab ya for a lecture at the museum about hidden meanings in Renaissance Paintings! It’s fun to discover how artists put a F.U. in the paintings of their abusive patrons!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, don’t apologize for seeming to make your reply about you – that is the best part of this place – the experiences of others!
What you are doing sounds excellent! I am actually volunteering at a museum once a week (I’d do it more often but it is a long commute) and it’s the social highlight of my week. I’m getting to know the other volunteers as well as get to talk to happy people all day.
I lost continuity when I moved back to my home state”I had some small friendships started where I was, and had a job – that takes care of a lot. Where I am now, I’m in a bedroom community with not much going on. I’m working on changing that. While I’d like to think I will meet a man to have a relationship with at some point, dating is not on my radar screen (age is certainly a challenge but people find each other every day). I’d just like to build a circle of friends to help me feel not so alone in the world.
I am great at doing things on my own, but kind of burned out after doing it for so long.
You make a great point that it is a process done in baby steps. Thanks for sharing your success!
NotWhatHeSaid
you are not old and ugly and incapable of finding love!! your ex put that in your head!!! he gave you such low self esteem…he should be punished severely for taking away your confidence…let him lie and cheat and fool around, that makes him a bad person, but nobody should ever ever make a person feel unworthy of themselves without being penalized for it!!!! you are beautiful!
Hanalei
Firstly its good to see you back here again. I feel like everyone here is my friend and I hope you see that in everyone as well….
My P denied my instincts at the expense of my self worth so I promised myself that I’d never doubt them again once I discovered what was going on. I hope that you can do the same, some of my friends have been discarded by me because they showed no honour code towards our friendship. I’m glad I’m strong enough now to never allow these people back into my life – please listen to the screaming voice inside. New friendships will form as time goes by, I can promise you that!
taralav
I KNOW what your ex is doing. He’s trying to keep you on the back burner, as someone to go to when things are not as he wants with his current victim. He punishes HER with YOU. It’s a never ending circle. Using women to hurt other women. Triangulation after triangulation. Manipulating women to compete for a SNAKE.
He’s also not giving you the time and space you need to think straight. That’s how he’s able to victimize you again and again. NO CONTACT will give you that space. And once you have time to calm yourself down and sever his creepy paws off your lovely being, you will know what you WANT, and that HE isn’t capable of giving it.
I HATE that he’s taking advantage of your vulnerability but the only one who can stop it is you. I hope you decide that YOU deserve the space to find peace and common sense. Because you DO DESERVE that.
Taralev
I am so sorry that you still let him manipulate you. I know how difficult it is because I let my ex do that to me for about 3 months after he left me. 3 months too long. For how many month have you let that evil man back I to your life? I do not want to sound bossy but you honestly need to put an end to his mind games. Unless you want to be abused , what I don’t think you do.
Taralev , take my “wisdom” and experience in a similar situation. You have to end it. During those 3 months Iistened to his crap, I regressed into darkness, self pity and a hellish place. Get out of it and make a better life for yourself. You are much younger than me. I did it after 20 plus years, you can do it.
He is manipulating you because you met him. You have the power and control to tell him “ENOUGH”. Please listen to us here on LF. What good what come out if he did return to you for good? The next suitable minion comes along and you are history again. You deserve so much better.
Taralev
Just his threat for another restraining order should be the biggest warning to you. If he loved and cared about you he would not take or threaten you with legal action. A lawyer once told me “you do not use the court as a weapon against your own loved ones, unless there is true abuse”. Please stay Away from him and her. They probably talk about you and make fun about you. That’s what my ex did. Let them be together. They won’t be happy. The biggest annoyment for him will be “if you go on with your life and be happy and do t respond to his b/s”.
I have to be on this site more. It’s my only support..I just have been dealing with so much with my mom. Why is he doing mini discard is my question does he really like hurting people over and over. I just got a book Robert Hare “without a conscience” maybe it will help me understand
Taralav
Listen to kara48 – she is right! At this point its hard to believe the truth because we want the illusion to be our reality, I know because my heart is also trying to pusuade my head to believe my ex psychopath….it’s still early days, I’ve realised that the wisdom from this site is the only thing keeping me strong so stay in touch with it and I’m sure the fog will lift soon, for us both ♥
Besides the fact that I read what your spath just did to you and I want to hit him over the head with a brick! What slime!!! Shame we can see it in others but not for ourselves…
Taralev
Being on this site has given me the clarity and advice I need when I’m in a meltdown, which is pretty much each day. Thank god for these beautiful women who care
taralev
i have a very similar situation and seeing this written in front of my eyes makes it sound so unbelievably..you have been through a great deal of trauma and he is playing on your sympathies for what reason i don’t know…maybe he is being genuine when he showed he cared about your situation…its unclear, other than he is a manipulator and a fraud, why he said he was breaking up with his gf..
i was with mine for 3 years and last summer he left to a foreign country to “work” for a brief period..during that time he told me he met someone, he was in love with her, and they were marrying…when he came home, suddenly she was out of the picture and they were not getting married, he disposed her and her family, she was this and that and he was revolted by her…(should have been my warning sign right there), so i forgave and we continued…he visited me and w were together manu many times from last summer until this summer until, he dropped a bomb on me telling me, he was returning to her foreign country and they were marrying…what a f***ing liar and con he was…i was devastated and would have taken anything he had to offer me at this point…he promised once he was there we were to continue communicating and hopefully he would manage to get away from her for visits to me…(yeh i wasn’t seeing clearly..at all, at all) and i agreed hesitantly…
he got to his destination and never contacted me until i finally did, three weeks later…he was married and she pregnant and he loved her too much to lead a double life BUT he loves me so much and doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone..he can’t continue lying and leading a life this way and now he has to be serious in his new life…contact with me would be very little due to his “new and serious” life…
this man was with me for three years and we had a relationship that was full of lies and cheating with many many other women who he most probably promised the same things…i haven’t heard from him for two weeks when he wrote me and said he will always love me from the bottom of his heart and he wishes me peace and joy and happiness….
i now hear how similar your story is and like i mentioned seeing it on paper from someone else makes is a rude awakening…like mine, yours is a con, fraud, sociopath lying man who only cares about himself only and what he does to others is not a concern to him, as long as he says the correct things that make him sound like he is a decent being….you and i together need to rid these men, they are poison and no good for us…as heartbreaking as it is we have to do the NC…(I’m on week number two of not contacting) i feel like it every minute even though he is rotten to the core…but i am starting to see more clearly as time passes i, like you, fell for the sweet words…they were only words…
he is rotten for you and your fragile situation for the moment, let him torture someone else!
Janedoe
I want to hit your spath over the head with a brick too!
What slime…
Jane D,
Congratulations on 2 weeks NC!!! The beginning is so difficult and painful. You will begin feeling so much better. Keep up your good work in doing this good thing for yourself!
AnnettePK
thank you…i didn’t think i could do it but i find as time goes on, he isn’t contacting me because he lied, once again, about keeping in contact…the last i heard from him was two weeks ago where he claimed he hadn’t heard from me (it was untrue i even pointed out the exact date that an email had been sent to him) but wanted me to know how deeply he loves me, always will and he thinks about me too often…
my response to that was “i wrote you on aug 23 and probably because i pointed out in that email a lot of things you are guilty of doing to me, you had no way to respond..therefore you wrote back saying you hadn’t heard from me, you didn’t want to answer anything and will now make it look like YOU tried to contact me and i didn’t respond, when you know i did…typical of you twisting things around for your benefit…nice try though”
that was the last i wrote him and the last he wrote me…grrrr let him wonder what happened to me..i have had enough playing games!!!
It would be good for you overall if you can resist the temptation to even read his BS. When I pointed out my ex P’s lies, etc., he would write back something like, “You’ve written a lot, I need time to think about it, blah blah blah…” and then he wouldn’t mention anything I’d written, just go on to something else. It’s too frustrating. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with it now.
Jane doe
What a sad story about you. How can I play with our love and emotions like that? I used to try to make sene and find an explanation. You just can’t. When I was in the same state of indexes Taralev I discovered this website. The advice I got from women like Hanalei , notwhat, jm short and many others was an tremendous help. I think the most simple answer to all this is that we allow it and let them do this to us. And it will not stop or change. I learned that all the time my ex blamed me “I left because of you “(his favorite text or saying “I love you but I am not in love with you “. ) all this is his way of justifying his actions . And I was begging him to come back home, crying and even meeting him for a day at the beach, once cooking him his favorite dinner. And later I found out he returned to the arms of the co worker after seeing me. Believe me I felt like a total idiot. But there came a time when I was done. And I truly hope that time will be there very soon for Taralev. My counselor tolde to make a list with his good and bad qualities. You know what , there were mostly bad things about him. She asked me “do you want to have that little self worth to accept a cheater, liar and so on? I thought I did want him back. No, I wanted the person back I wished he was. Since was not possible I had to let him go.
Almost 2 years later , he is the one who is crying and whining for his loss of relationship with his son. He sure does not like a “happy” man in his stupid notes. You have to take control over this. By having no contact with him and cutting him out of life I took this control back. It’s like sides have shifted. It’s almost like he is begging for his old life. I don’t have any pity for him. I used but those times are over. Seeing his ice cold eyes in court just assured me I made the right decision. And like someone here said “he deserves for me to never look at him again “. I blocked him for the rest of my life by divorcing him.
kaya48
yes if i had to make a list of qualities i think the bad would outweigh the good…yes there were some good ones, but i have trouble knowing if they were real or not!! thats what is confusing in it all…do they ever mean any of their actions? there must have been some times that they were telling the truth…??? they meant it when they said “i love you”???
yours may be begging for you to take him back because you have shown him you no longer care…good for you having the no pity for him..yes at the beginning its difficult but we have to remember those bad qualities outweigh the good…
My ex spath was motivated to exploit others for status, money, status, the pleasure he got from power and control and others’ suffering at his hands, and a cover for his porn addiction and whatever else he does that I never discovered. So the ‘good’ and ‘nice’ things he did were to manipulate to get something he wants. If he said something that happened to be true, it was to manipulate. If he said something that happened to be a lie, it was to manipulate.
Love is an action. If someone says ‘I love you’ it is backed up by consistent action that reflects a desire to enhance the loved one’s well being, a desire to spend quality time with the loved one, and a commitment to be monogamous regardless of temptations. If a person knowingly does things that harm you, they do not love you. It violates the definition of love.
My spiritual handbook, the Bible, says there can’t be sweet and bitter waters from the same spring (James 3:11) which I understand to mean that if a person does anything rotten, they are rotten and the sweet things they do are fake for show, or at least random and meaningless.
Old fashioned wisdom that some of our grandmothers probably were taught is if a man makes you cry he’s a bad man so get away from him. And one lie/neglect/meanness might be a mistake, the second might be a misunderstanding, but the third is a pattern of behavior. It’s who this person is, get away.
In this day and age society is reluctant to label anyone ‘bad’ and we cut everyone lots of slack, and blame people’s bad childhoods and the like for their bad choices. Popular culture is full of songs and movies about finding true love in an instant, so we are not wary of the spaths’ love bombing and we fall in love too quick. We are not taught that there are bad people out there that we need to protect ourselves from.
And also people don’t live near their extended families as much and are not as protective of each other. A few generations ago, an abused woman’s brothers, uncles, father, friends, weres more likely to be protective and beat the crap out of the abuser/cheater, run him out of town, and/or not allow the victim to have contact with him.
Hear! Hear!
You put it so perfectly, each and every time AnnettePK ♥
The following makes so much sense for this website :
“He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives.” (2 Corinthians 1:4-5 CEV)
Your greatest ministry will flow out of your pain not out of your strengths or your talents but out of the painful experiences of your life. It is your weaknesses that help other people in their need, not your strengths.
Taralev
My ex used to always threaten me with “I am going to leave you , you are going to be homeless, nobody will love you again and so on. Yes he really left me but it was a blessing. I honestly think they get pleasure out of our fears and weaknesses. My ex used to point out all my weaknesses and laughed about it . And you know that is satans work. It shows you how evil they are.
Taralev , you will never get an answer trying to figure him out. It’s the way he is and he has absolutely no empathy or compassion for you, no matter how much you think he loves you. It’s not love believe me.
When a man just walks out on his family, his most precious possession in life, he is a selfish coward and does not deserve to ever come back to that family.
I feel so sorry for you for what he put through , especially your pain for losing your mom. But again he showed his true colors and pls realize that you are much better without him. There is probably many men out there who would treat you with respect and love. Until you find those qualities leave this evil man to be with his minion. They deserve each other. At one point she will be the recipient of his evilness. Just like you are. It’s just a matter of time.
kaya48
In a variation on what your ex said, I told my ex that I’d rather be homeless than married to him.
Unlovable? NO. Unloved? By him. Yes.
What a calloused jerk these type are. In this respect they are all the same and SO predictable.
Not
You are absolutely right. It would be better to be homeless than being married to this jerk. I always treasured material things, what was wrong. I was afraid of losing my home and my nice things. But what good would that be for me if he had me committed to a mental institution or a jail? My priorities were wrong. I think deep down I was afraid of losing my home and that is why I stayed so long in that marriage. Him leaving me was the greatest gift he could make me. It took me about 5 months to realize that.
And my co workers , my bosses., my friends,my son , they all love me. It was the ex who did not know how to love. He should just have prostitutes because he can never love anyone. Not even himself. They are as the same, you are so right.
I have read many sites on lairs and I still find myself stuck on making excuses for his lies. They are so easy for him and so hurtful to me. They are about anything and everything. He has very little if any compassion towards me or the kids that I can see. He tells tall tales to others about things that are going on in the home. Like one week I was talking about leaving to my mom’s. I left him a note that I was going to my mom’s and the kids were with me. He told everyone in town I taken the kids and he had no idea where I was or them. If I do leave the house he calls all the time. If he leaves to go somewhere he just up and goes. What is up?
Hi Cailva,
I’m not sure that anyone of us is ever really able to answer the big question, what’s up with these spaths? Except that they don’t change. Instead we turn our focus to what we can change about our lives for the well being of ourselves, our children and others who truly care about us.
He is probably hurting you in a lot of ways. Consider what is best for you, what options do you have, what do you want for yourself and your children.