UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Continuing on with my post (husband asked who I was typing to on computer, I wouldn’t say so he just grabbed computer from me and went in the bedroom and locked the door. I told him either I call the police or he gives the computer back that he had no right in taking it. I got chewed out for posting about him and was told I don’t take accountability for what I do and I owed him an apology. I told him I am not one to play with and if he acted right I wouldn’t be reaching out for answers).
Cailva,
Consider doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Be careful that he doesn’t know you’re posting here. Here’s a couple of things that might help you deal with him. The Greyrock technique: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
and this assessment of risk https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Don’t let him know you’re looking into these things. Be careful
AnnettePK,
Unfortunately, as per my next post, he did find out that I had found this site and exactly what I had posted as he took the computer out of my hands and went into the bedroom and locked the door then came out chewing me out for posting about him. I read all these comments and it really hits home and makes me so sick of just how blind I have been to what he does.
Tonight, I am devastated. Up until March, my Spath and I lived together for about a year. I caught him on an online dating site and he had a history of staying out all night, so I kicked him out of the house. However, we kept getting back together every couple weeks, and then he would get mad about something and disappear for a week. We started to see each other with more frequency of the end of August. In fact, things were going pretty good. On a Thursday, he left on a business trip. We had been together the two nights prior. When he came back three days later we were together again for two nights. Tonight, I found out that during this business trip, he got engaged! How in the world can someone be with with one person on a Thursday morning, and get engaged to someone else on a Friday evening! And then come back on a Monday and be with the first person again! I feel like I have lost touch with reality. Nothing makes sense. He was encouraging me to put more effort into our relationship to show how committed I was to him. This now all seems like he was playing a big game. The sad thing is, if he called me tonight, I would probably still talk to him. What is wrong with me?
Claimmypower
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you..I’m in the exact situation and I too ask the same questions. I have gone NC for two weeks now and believe me it’s tough. I still cry and I still reread our messages and look at pictures and can’t get him out of my head. The best thing for me was getting advice on here from refraining to contact him and the no contact. I still check my messages constantly just in case he writes but there’s been nothing from him and I too have not written to ask where he’s been. He clearly stated he’s concentrating on his “new life” and those words sting like a slap in my face…it’s tough but NC really has made me just begin to see his sly and sneaky personality. I’m far from being out of the woods but reality is setting in and I can tell him anything I want, but it will not change what he has now, which was a random, impulsive act on his part and now he’s married and they are having a baby..makes me ill but I’ve done nothing and either have you..I hope this helps 🙂
Janedoe
Thank you so much for your reply. I’m sorry we are in the same boat together. I also feel that my Spath’s engagement was an impulsive, stupid move. He is so hell-bent on getting married. The night he came back from his business trip, he was crying on the phone, telling me how much he loved me and asked me to tell him why I loved him. Given how this engagement has started off, I imagine there will be a lot of misery in that relationship. NC is the way to go. I’m glad you’ve been able to stay strong for two weeks. That is quite an accomplishment. I feel good that I didn’t let him know that I found out about his engagement. I am just going to try to stay away and stay strong.
Claimmypower
Good for you stand your ground and do it. You sound more determined than I was at your point. Like yours mine was desperate for marriage. He had a very bad upbringing and I blame that on his manipulative an emotionally destructive ways.
Did yours too have a rough upbringing? That could be the reason for wanting o be married and his impulsivity. It is no excuse for their actions but its the only one I can find. Mine used to tell me all the time he just wanted to get me pregnant and he loved me even before we physically met.
How did you find out he was engaged?
Janedoe
Mine, too, had a rough upbringing…alcoholic parents, physical abuse, neglect, extreme poverty. I gave him a whole lot of latitude in his behavior because I felt sorry for what he had been through. I found out about his engagement by sheer chance when I emailed a mutual friend of ours. She saw it on Facebook and sent me a screen capture. A whole 36 hours after he left my house, he posted that he got engaged. Unbelievable. I am definitely in shock, which is probably why I sound like I’m doing okay. I don’t think the reality that someone could be so dishonest, callous and disrespectful has sunk in. I should have never let him back into my life after the March breakup. I feel desperate and pathetic and gullible. I’m very thankful to be part of the LF community. It has kept me from contacting him tonight and letting him have it.
One thing to consider is the rough upbringing could be a lie to get women to cut them slack. A person who lies about one thing without regretting it and correcting the lie, will lie about any other thing.
My ex P also told me he loved me early in the relationship. This is a classic red flag sign of being conned. Love required getting to know someone well in varied settings – it’s not possible to love someone one doesn’t know, love in the sense of being able to make a long term commitment. Lust and/or desire to exploit someone doesn’t require getting to know someone first.
Absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are capable of love, commitment, bonding. You were betrayed and deceived.
Claimmypower
If there is something wrong with you then there’s something wrong with us all…
Mine is so pathological and after 14 years of lies and cheating, I can see straight through it all now, but it still doesn’t stop me from responding to his call. I’m sitting here now knowing he’s spent the whole weekend out with other women while he’s privately texting me and spent hours (over weeks) crying, begging and pleading with me to take him back = now what is wrong with me?
Jane doe
2 weeks of no contact, that’s great. The fact that he married someone and they are having a baby is probably enough for you to stay no contact. It’s so horrible what these jerks put us through. But I know now that I went through this nightmare because I let him. If I could redo my past I would have filed divorce papers the minute I found the nude pictures of him and her, the minute I found his profile on Ashley Maddison (local man looking for affairs, anything goes). But I was in shock, I was manipulated and I was willing to do anything to save this marriage. There was no saving anything. He mentally, emotionally and physically “checked” out if his marriage and family.
Unless you want to be played as a fool there is no other option to let him go and cutoff all contact. It had been about 15 months now for me. I stopped counting the days at day no 377. I reached my goal and straightened out my life. The hardest thing I ever done. And here I am, I am still alive, I am again peace and I am happy. I realized that he brought out the worst in me with his lies and betrayals. I am now a much better person. I truly hope that my story of success can be an inspiration here. I never wanted to believe the no contact rule , but I do now. You cannot be in contact or friends with someone who hurt your feelings , who disrespected you, lied to you , maybe discarded you. There is now way. Believe me.
Kaya48
Thanks for your advice and I’m trying my best. It hurts like hell as I haven’t been in my situation as long as you but I hope to be like you. Nude pics?? I haven’t found that but have found a file with many women he has send him their pictures. He trolled the internet looking for love.
That’s a good one, those naked pictures and how did he weasel his way out of that one?? It’s almost funny when it came time for them to squirm
Kaya48
Keep telling us! You are my inspiration! Your story is my story although I’m just finding out what my boundaries are and still a long way from the strength you’ve shown us all…
I caught my P on adult friend finder . com (another have affairs site) 6 years ago and believed his lies about it grrr but I still don’t think that I would have listened to the truth back then anyway. Now is my time to listen to you!
Claimmypower
I am so sorry about your ordeal. Just stay no contact. Even if you mess up at first it will be a life saver. About 16 months ago I received that advice here on lovefraud. It made a huge difference. Even through my divorce I managed no contact at all. If I received anything , he got no reply. If it was important I gave it to my attorney. Now, I regained control and it’s a great feeling.
Good luck with your journey. Keep us posted.
Kaya48
NC is so hard for me. My girlfriends always ask me why I answer his calls and messages. Did you have any tricks to help you? Maybe I should put his Facebook engagement post where I can see it before I answer his call. Besides, I know if I ever confront him on this, he will somehow turn this on me and blame me for why he is in this predicament. Ugh.
Kaya48
Your journey was not in vain! Without your wisdom and guidance, I wouldn’t know where or how to start.
Thanks for being here for us xxx
Claimmy
Yes going no contact was very hard for me also. I changed my phone no and email. That made it much easier. Also I put happy face stickers on a calendar for every day of no contact. Before I knew it I had 30 days of “happiness ” , then after the first month it got easier with every month. Almost like this huge weight fell of my shoulder. I could have not find the no contact without a new phone no.
He did occasionally and still does send texts to my sons phone, he is 19, which we ignore. Sometimes we laugh about how desperate and ridiculous he sounds. Just like I did when I was discarded. Only that we are divorced now and he lost the privilege to his family.
Now, the no contact is real easy. I learned that he is evil. And I do not communicate with evil, never again.
No Contact is powerful for getting out of a harmful relationship, but it is incredibly difficult to overcome the temptation to have contact. If you google No Contact there is a lot of good and practical information out there to help. Just keep trying to do your best, and any period of NC will help you feel better and think clearer. For many of us, it takes a few rounds of being mistreated and lied to before we are motivated to go NC.
I have let.this man lie about everything. And anything. I can’t even mourn my mom because he is still mentally abusing me. I can’t understand why theydo this
He is already cheating on his.new supply. I just have so much anger. I just watched my mom die and he is still inflicting pain amd lies
Try to take a step back and look at your situation as if it were your sister’s or a good friend’s. You know that he is ‘mentally abusing you’ ‘cheating on his new supply’ and that he is ‘inflicting pain and lies.’ You know that the time you spend on him is time away from mourning and that you have a lot of anger to deal with. (Of course you have righteous anger, no one should be treated like he treated you.) And you know that you can’t understand why he does what he does. (No normal person can understand why they do what they do. It’s a nightmare. It’s so awful that a healthy good person can’t understand. I’m not sure I want to understand my ex spath’s choices any more than I would want to understand Adolph Hitler’s or Kim John-un’s motivations)
What would you want your sister or your best friend to do if she were in your situation? Try writing a letter of advice to someone else in your situation. This exercise might help you get out of the fog a bit.
What got me out of my situation was a commitment I made out of a terrible painful confusing fog when I could barely put 2 thoughts together. I knew the spath was hurting my son, I knew I had to protect my son. I decided that NO MATTER WHAT the spath would have no contact with my son. I was at that time unable to think about anything (I barely got out of bed in those days, and the ex spath liked things the way they were). I kept that commitment without compromise, and it was the beginning of my path out. From that everything else followed, and a few years later I am recovering, mostly happy, have energy to enjoy my friends and family, to take classes, work part time at my career, be a mom to my now grown son, be a friend to my friends, put God first in my life (instead of the ex spath who was always demanding my attention). Right now I’m at a house on the beach looking out over the ocean. I would not have this joy, I would possibly not be alive if I were still wallowing in hell that is the world of the ex spath.
I didn’t see the big picture at the time, and neither do you because he manipulates you (for his sadistic pleasure) into being in bondage to him. He likes it that way. He is the enemy but he keeps messing with your head so you don’t realize it clearly. If you believe in traditional religion, Satan is working through him to tempt you to give up the good gifts God has given you (despite the losses of your sister and your mom that He has allowed to happen).
Annette-
You struck on something so powerful!
As victims of Betrayal Bonds, we have difficulty seeing what is happening through the toxic glue that binds us to the offender. Seeing the harm they do to our loved ones, like our children, is often the trigger that rescues us.
For me, my ex tripping me to fall down a flight of stairs while I was pregnant with his child was the defining moment.
Betrayal bonding lies in the inner recesses of our subconscious. It has tremendous bearing on how we conduct our “conscious” lives. It’s the toxic glue that keeps us victimized and enduring pain.
Those of us who escaped Betrayal Bonds are lucky, even when we escaped by being discarded, we now have the opportunity to live productive lives in reality and hope.
Joyce
Taralev
Annette is so right. Once you cut of all contact, you will get some clarity and some answers. I think when you are still involved with him in some ways, ypur thinking and everything is all about him and why does he do that. That will change once you cut all ties with him.
I was so tired of the lies. My ex would just make up the craziest lies. He used to take paid time of big never went to work, just acting like he did. Of course he was having sex with his minions somewhere. When I noticed the paid time of on his pay stub he would , oh they made a mistake. Sure. All lies.
The worst thing for me was that he even lied when he told me he loved me. But I am over it now. I wish Taralev you would find a little strength to stay no contact and show him that he no longer has control over you.
Annette
I so much agree with you that the no contact is a very powerful tool. Even my lawyer advised me to stay no contact because every text, every email, every letter could have been used against me. I know that my ex saved all my texts and emails in a folder on his computer before I went no contact. By talking to him I gave him more “weapons” he could later on use in court. But I followed the advice here on LF and listened to my attorney. No more contact. My ex already showed me what he wAs capable of, like trying to get an injunction against me. I honestly think that I “won” this divorce by letting the lawyers handle everything.
By cutting my ex out of my life entirely I was able to forget about the pain he caused and started my healing journey I could have never done it if he was still blaming, manipulating and talking his lies to me.
Thanks Annette and Kaya. I need to be on the site more it helps me to just vent. I am so full of hatred for him. I expressed to you about my guilt I feel. My mom only 61 her last 6months seeing me suffer. I think I really want him to care. I am in shock my mom is gone and he was close to her.bkaya im glad to hear that you are over it. I just feel I want to up root and move. I have never been so damaged and the lies…I could write a book. Theres a part of this that is my fault. He took so much of my self esteem I allowed the lies. I hope there is karma. I don’t see anything happening to him. He keeps destroying
Tara-
Like you, I experienced the death of my mother while I was in the relationship with my ex. And the thought of walking away from the man with whom I’d shared moments with her, seemed like letting go and walking away from her.
You don’t really share a relationship with him. His awareness of your mother is not something he cherishes. He cherishes nothing. He is teflon. Nothing penetrates. He only acts in accordance with his personal superficial interests.
While you are in a relationship with him, your mother’s relevance in your life is painful to you. Once you let go of your connection to him, you can treasure your connection to your Mom without the manipulation from him, (and guilt,) that you currently associate with those memories.
You can treasure those memories of your mother either on your own, or with the next person who actually treasures you and will honor her memory as well, even though she was never a part of his life.
Your mother would want you to be joyful. You can’t be joyful with someone who is disordered.
Wishing you strength, love,and joy.
Joyce
Taralev
Believe me there is karma. It might take a long time for you to see it. I can tell now that’s ex is devastated about the list relationship with his son , the destruction he caused. I see in the messages he writes to my son. But if course it could be all a show again. You just don’t know. I know for sure that he hates that he lost control over my son and I .
Take it as a blessing that he is with a new supply. As difficult as it is you did not lose anything. Who wants to have a liar and a person without empathy and commitment ? He was not there when your mom passed away.
Maybe you should move and start new somewhere else. selling the marital home was both dad and freeing for me but in the end it was the best. Too many bad memories in that house.
Good luck Taralev, I have faith in you. You can do it. One day at a time.