UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
It is natural and good that we want our spath to be a good person and to care. Ezekiel 18:23 and :32 says that God does not want anyone to keep sinning and cause suffering and miss out on the good things He has to offer.
Guilt is tough to deal with for me. I think the best thing, and easier said than done, is to use guilt to motivate oneself not to repeat the same mistake. You can’t change the past, but what would your Mom want you to do now? When you see her again, it will be great to tell her good news about your life after she passed away. She would not want you to keep being harmed by this jerk.
When I was at a really low point after my ex spath did something really awful to me, a minister told me to read the Psalms. There is info there about karma and what will happen to the wicked. 2 Cor 4:4 says Satan is the god of this world, and until God puts a stop to it evil people will continue doing what they choose to do as long as God allows them.
Ezekiel 18:20 says the unrepentant sinner will die, cease to exist. That is what worked for me. My ex spath will not change, and I don’t take any pleasure in going no contact but it is necessary for my well being that he not exist in my world, or else he harms me.
Thank you so much for these Bible verses AnnettePK. Your timing is perfect. I found 2 Cor especially comforting for me.
Very interesting bible verses. One of my favorite ones throughout my ordeal and still to this day is:
Timothy 1:7
“For God have us a Spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control”
I don’t want to live in fear. And I don’t want any harm to me. And that is why I have to stay no contact with the ex husband. Like you said , it would cause harm and pain.
For the duration of my 20 years marriage he enjoyed seeing me crying over the pain he caused. I was so do e with that. And yes it was a big waste.
Another factor for divorcibg him was that I had to show my only child that is not acceptable to treat a wife like dirt and get away with it. I wanted him to know that those actions have consequences like divorce. God hates divorces but I did not have any other choice. My son had so much respect for me as his mother to finally put an end to this. As for his father he has no respect whatsoever. I know for sure that he will never do those evil things to his family. He is only 19 but he saw the pain that his father caused.
Annette
Absolutely satan is working thought ex also. It’s perfect because the ex is an atheist. That is why I get notes with my alimony check. The ex, or the enemy , attacks me in my faith. And that’s the work of Satan. So I will stand strong in my faith, memorize bible verses and the enemy will not have power over me.
Ignore the devil and he will flee. It’s exactly what the no contact accomplishes.
Taralev
I hope you will follow our advice here. This man has nothing good in him and he will always drag you into darkness
kaya48
That’s another characteristic of my abusers. NONE of them believe in GOD. They ridicule my practice of faith, yet they believe in hedonism. Where’s the common sense in hedonism? Pleasure for the moment but no one to care, disease, heartache.
I am TERRIBLE at memorizing, I can remember numbers and music and strings of computer passwords, but have a hard time remembering poetry or bible verses. But you make an excellent point, that the bible verses have the effect of cutting the power of some really evil characters. I am going to carry these verses from AnnettePK and your Timothy 1:7. I bet by the end of this week, I will have them as my armor!
Have A GREAT WEEK! (month, year, life!)
They can’t believe in God, because then they would DO differently. My ex P SAID he believed in God, but he didn’t live as though he did. I told him he KNEW about God, but didn’t believe. Consider James 2:19, “Even the demons believe and tremble.” The point is knowing or saying one believes means nothing if it doesn’t affect how one lives and what one does. The demons know that God exists and they choose to do evil, lie, and cause as much suffering as they can.
Thank you both. .it makes me sick to think October coming up is the “1year anniversary he met this victim. Of course unknown to me. We had all our holidays together. ..not until feb1 did he discard me. I justmiss my mom she helped me thru. He hurt her so bad by what he did. I have been thru hell and he just keeps trying to hurt me. The fact he was coming around. .kissing me spending time with me…he is cheating on her now. I have been praying non.stop..to be healed and break free
taralav
I am betting you’re trying to figure out WHY he found a new victim.
The sad fact about these types is that they constantly troll for new blood. My ex would troll when he was HAPPY, when things were going great, when life was calm and work was balanced, and income was very good, and our social life was full of variety and good times. In such an environment, he felt comfortable to flirt and make “business lunch dates” and take women on drives to show them what I thought were “our special places”.
He WILL come around you until YOU SAY NO and MEAN IT.
I did tell my ex, “YOU cheat but I don’t” ….and “I don’t associate with men who cheat”. (it’s been my rule about dating for my whole life.)
Once my ex had a new girlfriend, that was all I needed to not ever want him, because I refused to be the kind of person who helped a man cheat on her, and I refused to be with a man who cheats. It cheapens the kind of person I chose to be. …this is the common sense I used to stay away from my LEGAL husband, never mind some cheating snake. Maybe you can sit and think of what mantra would resonate with your heart? To say and remind yourself?
He’s a snake. YOU have to be the one to say, NO kissing, NO spending time with you, NO coming around, NO CONTACT.
YOU must be the one to say NO and mean it. Praying is great, but God wants you to TAKE ACTION. ps I also understand the enormous desire for things to be different, but unfortunately, you KNOW that with this guy, that’s NEVER going to be possible, because he CHOSES who he is being: unfaithful and you are showing him that’s okay with you. I know that’s not your intent, but that’s the outcome.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, you make such a great point about them trolling even when everything is happy”my ex did the same thing.
We had been going though what I though was a very good time and I was feeling very content. One morning out of the blue when we were both in the bathroom getting ready for work, he casually brought up that he thought he was getting too attached to me and it might be wise for him to step back. I ended up on my knees hugging the toilet and sobbing.
At the time, we both worked for the same company, and no one knew we were involved. I went to work feeling like total crap, you know that sick feeling in your stomach. I didn’t cross paths with him all day, and late in the afternoon, our mutual boss stopped by my door and said, “boy I saw XXX (my ex) out at lunch today at YYY (a VERY nice restaurant) with ZZZ (a younger woman who worked in another department) and they sure were cozy. Now that’s a weird pair.”
I knew right away he had intentionally hurt me that morning, knowing he had a “date” with someone else at noon. This was early on, and the first time I had a hint that there might be other women. How I wish I had walked then, and gone no contact. I now know there were few women in that place that he didn’t “date” throughout our relationship.
I have been just reading the comments the past few days and just wanted to interject. I think some people are doing what I used to do; assigning the narcissist/sociopath, psychopath (they are all the same from what I have read) emotions a normal person would be feeling and they just are not feeling normal emotions. That is what makes them the toxic people they are. They do not fee guilt, they are never sorry and they don’t do anything they don’t want to do because of a sense of obligation. The guy who is emailing his son sounding so sorry, the guy who makes love and then the next day gets engaged to someone else. They are playing you. If they can suck you back into the web it is a win for them. “Look how powerful I am, look how much they love me and how weak stupid they are, I can do whatever I want to them and they take me back. I am God.”
We think, “why would they bother? they must care if they are going to make the effort>” Don’t kid yourself.
My ex went to Africa as a volunteer for a well known christian charitable organization, I thought, he must be a changed man, it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done. We were split but still in contact so when he went to Africa I thought, ” I will see if he really goes and if he does then I will give him a 2nd chance.” He got back and came straight to me with gifts and flowers, that sweet guy I had initially met. We made love, yada yada. I had a feeling in my gut but ignored it. Long story short, he left his laptop scrolling pictures and one popped up with him naked sitting on the edge of a bed with a woman’s naked knees showing in the pic. he had gotten engaged to a Ugandan woman while there.
I broke up with him. He left the province and I got on with my life. I was done!
4 months of no contact and he calls me, he’s got Malaria and been given 6 months to live, he is crying, sobbing, can he come and talk to me. He had an epiphany, he knew I was the only woman he would ever love, he needed me to know how sorry he was. He came to see me, with tears streaming down his face, hands shaking, nervously he begged for one more 2nd chance. He made love to me like I have never been made love to, making me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. He asked me to marry him even though he only had 6 months to live he wanted to marry me before he died.
My son hated him for good reason,he knew I would never go back to him if my son didn’t approve so he took my son aside and tearfully apologized to my son, they hugged, shook hands and my son accepted him back into our little family. My son told me he had not realized the weight of the hatred he had been packing and to get a heartfelt apology was like the weight of the world off his shoulders. The next 3 months were my dream come true, the 3 of us a family, doing things together, having fun. I was in heaven!!
My ex was trucking between Sask, Alta and BC and asked me to marry him and move to Sask. I talked to my son and he gave his blessing, he was now in alta himself. I thought why would he go to all that trouble, apologizing for things he had never admitted to before, I hadn’t contacted him, hadn’t begged him, It was ALL his idea.
two years later, he was still emailing the woman in Africa telling her he was working to bring her to Canada, that he hated me and loved her. The abuse was the worst out of the whole 10 years. I was a shell of the woman I had been and I had no support system, I couldn’t tell my son, my mother had disowned me, I left with nothing, my ex had stripped me of every dime I had, destroyed my business, and when i asked why the apology why the apology to my son and he said. “I told you both what you needed to hear for you to come back to me.”
When I was packing I found his journals and read that he had two other women in Alberta the whole time he was trucking between Sask and BC. He was living with two women, he kept notes, every night he wrote “Called Carrie, she was in a good mood, Tina was bitchy so I went to Marla’s. He kept track of what time they went to sleep and when he went to sleep. He always stayed up all night refusing to go to bed with me, it was some power thing obviously. I found out that not only had he gotten engaged in Africa he had gotten a really young native Sudanese girl (probably 16-17) pregnant. So obviously had unprotected sex in Africa. Who has unprotected sex in Africa??? !!! (I have been tested and thank God I am HIV, Hep, and TB free)He ruined that young girls life! I found out the charity left him to rot in Sudan but his mother called and begged them to send him home. She knew about the pregnant girl and never said a word to me.
Do NOT believe them!!!! My ex needed to get his trucking company off the ground and I was the sucker to help him do that. PLUS and I firmly believe this; when they are done with you, you are garbage, they want you to curl up in a corner and die. If they see you getting your feet under you they have to come back and destroy you. If you have anything left they feel they didn’t do the job well, they want to strip you of everything you have or ever will have and that includes your self esteem and hope.
Walk away and never look back, don’t buy into “He must really love me, we have something special, why would he bother if he doesn’t love me.”
When you read my story it is easy to say, “Yeah, but that is an extreme case, my ex and I have something special, I know deep down he really loves me, he is just hurt from the past, he really does have a soft sweet side to him.” I am not a stupid woman, I am not a gullible woman, I just could not believe anyone would be that cruel or vindictive. It never entered my mind that someone could do what he did. Who does that kind of thing? A psychopath, that’s who.
Please believe me, I have spent the last 4 years researching these parasites and they have done brain scans and their brains are not normal, they do not have the capability to feel guilt or compassion. They are deformed. it is not even that they won’t it is that they can’t, they do not have a conscience, no guilt, it is all a game.
stay no contact and stop assigning them emotions they simply do not have.
Hugs to all you strong beautiful women.
Lady Truck,
What horrible beyond words betrayal you endured. I am so sorry.
Thank you for taking the time to write the details of your experience. I agree that spath’s motives are not the same as normal. They do not want the same results. My experience led me to conclude that my spath is unchangeable. I think he will not change because it is his choice to do what he does; and even if there were a ‘cure’ for lack of empathy, etc, he would decline it and continue to choose what he does, because he likes doing it and he likes the results. He does not want the results of being honest, having committed family relationships, pride in his career accomplishments, etc. When I realized the obvious truth that he chooses to do what he does because he likes the results, it was a turning point in my understanding. They are very very very different.
I don’t know how much choice is involved, but it doesn’t make a bit of difference if they can’t change or won’t change because the bottom line is that they are not going to change no matter what information or therapy or remedy or healing is offered to them. That is an even more powerful force against sustained positive change than a deformity that someone might find a ‘cure’ for someday.
The brain is a fluid organ, and it may be that when one ‘exercises’ making choices in favor of truth and the well being of others, that it causes the brain and the other physical systems to form in a way that leads to a ‘normal’ brain. Consider how permanent reactive attachment disorder is once it has formed in childhood. Consider a person with strong leg muscles can run a long way because he has practiced running every day; even though he was born with the same potential as most normal people.
It is said that a person’s choices become habits become character. For those who find spiritual wisdom in the Bible, in the case of my ex spath I related to the ‘unpardonable sin’ which is described in Matthew 3 and Mark 12 as a rejection of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is described elsewhere as the force that people allow to work in them to bring about positive change, for example to bear the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5, love, joy, peace, goodness, gentleness, kindness, patience, humility, etc. So essentially the only Biblical sin that is unpardonable is when one doesn’t want to stop sinning and doesn’t want to be forgiven.
My ex spath is all into fake religion; he was a preacher for awhile, and he knows the Bible very well, he just twists it to suit his purpose. In truth it convicts him of everything he is and does.
AnnettePK, my ex used to twist religion to suit his purposes also, he switched from a believer to non believer at will depending on who he was trying to manipulate at the time. It was always one of the hooks he used with me, always promising we were going to find a new church home, or he knew God didn’t approve of the way he was living and his mother was a very firm believer in God and that God could perform a miracle and save him.
He doesn’t want to change. He sees kindness and emotions as a weakness, why would they want to change? it is through other people’s conscience and compassion that he manipulates and uses them. In his mind if he changed and showed compassion for others then he would be weak and setting himself up to be used and abused like he does to others. I know in my ex’s mind he always thought I was trying to manipulate him with my emotions because that is what he was doing. When I text messaged him that I had taken a bunch of pills and asked him to come get the dog in the morning he told me I should kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho ungrateful bitch like me anyway and he had met his soul mate and she was nothing like me. I survived some how and woke up the next day mid day with my dog licking my face trying to wake me up.
Months later my ex came full of apologies and I asked him how he could leave me knowing I was committing suicide, to not even call 911, or my mother or someone to check on me and he said he thought i was just trying to manipulate him. I asked how he could encourage me to kill myself and he said, “We were arguing and a person says what ever it takes to win the argument.Everyone does it.” I said, “No not everyone, I don’t>” I knew then that I was trying to relate and understand someone that I could never understand, someone who would never change. BTW I didn’t accept his apology and checked his FB and he had gotten engaged 8 days prior to coming to me saying he still loved me and was so sorry.
Thanks for your reply.
Lady, your experience and your ex spath sounds very very dark. They do whatever it takes to manipulate, whatever their victims care about or value becomes a weakness to prey on for a spath. My ex P also sometimes assumed that others thought like he did, and other times he used others’ compassion and kindness to exploit.
I’m so glad you survived and that you are alive. That is the best win over a spath because they don’t want their victims alive and happy and contributing to the good of the world.
AnnettePK, I didn’t think the day would come where I would want to live let alone be happy. But almost 4 years out I am more at peace than I have ever been.
I am glad I survived too. 🙂 thank you. It was hell but brought me to a better place so no regrets
ladywithaTruck,
AHA! Your ex is soulless mates with my ex.
There are certain types that “WINNING” is their highest motivation. Your ex is so disgusting that his “WIN” was more important than your life. The same with my ex. And my ex pressured me, and pushed me to commit suicide, my complete destruction was his “WIN”.
I am SO happy to read that you got away and LIVED to share your humanity here with others. HE sure didn’t have any humanity. YEP! A WINNER! Say whatever it takes to WIN! Because that’s what “Everybody does”.
The Mark of a PSYCHOPATH is their drive to WIN, which matters MORE than EVERYTHING else.
My ex used to make fun of me when I was barely existing in a deep depression. He’d tell others about me, they all felt sorry for him having “that unstable wife”. When I was better and he commented on me being “unstable”, I asked him, “I was clearly not right then, why didn’t you get me some help?” He answered what I believe was one of his rare times of being honest, that “it wasn’t my job”. He did not feel any responsibility to get me help when I was in dire straits. That’s what makes my ex and yours “soulless mates”.
NotWhatHeSaid, Yep they sound like they took the same “How to be a Psychopath” course.
He had the nerve to tell me (after I refused to “be friends”) that it was kinda my own fault for him hurting me, I kept taking him back.
I think the most honest thing he ever said was when he went to hit me and his sister stepped between us and stared him down. He yelled,”That’s it! I have had enough, it’s over.”
I couldn’t believe HE was saying he had had enough and said,”YOU have had enough??? you were the one who had personal ads and screwed around!!”
He was reading a magazine and looked up at me over his glasses and said, “And what did you do?”
I said, “I stayed.”
He said, “Exactly!!”
It felt like lightening fused me to the spot. I couldn’t move for a few minutes, I certainly didn’t have anything to say. His sister and I left and on the way out to the truck she said, “If you ever doubt that leaving him was the right thing to do, remember one word, EXACTLY.
I, like you, after 10 years had given up, I was a shell, I had stopped fighting, stopped reacting, I was a zombie. He didn’t care. I was hemorrhaging one night, it looked like a massacre happened in the house. I had cooked supper and done the dishes and he was outside, I stood there telling him I needed to go to the hospital and he never even looked up so I cleaned up best I could and took a couple of big bath towels to bed to soak up the blood and thought fine, if I bleed to death he can explain why he didn’t help me. I didn’t even care any more. The bleeding stopped in the middle of the night and the next day he gave me shit for going to bed and not doing the dishes when I knew he had work to do that night.
I call him a WOSPOS waste of skin piece of shit. 🙂
He punched his son for eating his donut and kicked him out of the house called him an F’n pig. I had to get between them to protect the kids while he packed his clothes. I called a friend to pick him up and shipped him back to his mother. He told everyone the kid ran home to mommy because he didn’t want to abide by the house rules and was trying to kill us.
When I corrected him he looked at me like I was nuts.
I can’t believe how much I loved him and how heart broken I was.
I never knew these people existed, and there are so many of them and they are all so much alike. Like they all sold their souls to the devil.
Lady truck
Thanks for sharing that story with us. Mine is in the middle of trying to convince me to return through a barrage of tears and apologies. He’s taken full responsibility for the destruction which only causes confusion for me. I wondered how someone that is emotionally void could cry that much – you explained to me why in your post and I’m grateful!
That question is now answered – thanks ♥
yep Ironic
Anything it takes to WIN.
The sick psychos view EVERTHING as adversarial, the people they profess to love are their ADVERSARIES. Once I understood that about my husband, I knew why he wanted me destroyed and why his WIN was having me dead.
Ironic, I know there’s some complications to your situation, but do you have any possibility of being able to stop contact with him at some point in the (hopefully near) future?
AnnettePK
Last week of contact Now and my part will be over. I still can’t mention what is going on as the path is trawling the net looking for anything that I might be doing, although I seriously doubt he’d suspect I’m on this site, I can’t take the chance….
You are all keeping me determined to never return even though the P is so good at lying that it does cause confusion every time I speak to him. He is so convincing! It’s crazy how convincing he is yet each and every time I speak to him, I leave in this state of questioning – he creates one hole after the other in his stories, even the most basic of situations causes questions – I was so sucked in by this man! But just writing this response is an eye opener to me (he creates confusion each time I talk to him)
I’m so suspicious of everything he says…Please God let me get to the end of this tunnel!
Ironic, I am glad it helped. It is confusing. You think why would he bother? If he admits everything he must want to change. My ex was so humble so contrite, he said everything I had wanted to hear for 8 years, admitted to things he had NEVER admitted to before. I had not talked to him in months, not begged. He told me he had gotten off of POF and I checked and his profile was gone. I found out much later when he forgot to sign off when he used my laptop that he had only hidden his profile. I didn’t know a person can do that. If the profile is hidden then they can still see everyone but no one can see them unless they invite the person and he was telling them all that his psycho ex was stalking him on line so he had to hide his profile. At the time that he was crying and telling me I was the only woman he would ever love he was living with two other women and trolling POF AND writing to the woman in Africa. Lightening should have come down and struck him dead.
Lady T,
You have endured some really really awful stuff at the hands of this monster from hell. I’m all for a lightening strike. He is a menace to the world. It sounds like he is abusing/torturing a lot of people simultaneously.
Do you have children with him, or are they his or yours from a previous relationship/marriage?
How long have you been away from him/it? Are you finding resources to recover and heal from the ordeal?
AnnettePK, Thank God I never had children with him and my son was 18 when we met which was bad enough for my son because the ex used to try to goad him into fights and try to charge him with assault or uttering threats. My son HATES him and is now a 30 year old man not the 18 year old scrawny kid he used to be. My ex had no problem beating on young boys and women professing all the while that he was a “real” man.
He had fathered a child with a 17 yr old girl when he was 30 and he hit her. He was trucking and while he was gone on a run her folks came and packed her up and they ended up moving across the country to get away from him. (I found all this out after being with him 9 years) Unbeknownst to me while we were split and he was in Alberta he found his ex and son on FB. He had moved in with his cousin’s widow (he likes widows) and told me he was living in a basement suite of a friend. He met his son and the mom and apologized for everything, he had changed yada yada, telling her he wanted to pay child support and just be a dad to his son. He played her big time and he could really put on a good act as I have already explained here. Anyway he was going between the widow’s and the mother of his son and then he came crying to me and I took him back. For a few months he went between the 3 of us and then took a job in BC. His son wanted to come live with us, he was any teenaged boy’s dream dad, he had a big fancy semi truck, a Harley, played guitar, had a hot antique car, and let him smoke, stay up all night and let him drive the semi. I mean this kid was blinded by glitz, his dad bought him expensive toys and was just the coolest dad, way cooler than any of his friend’s dads. When I found out that he had found his son I was thrilled for him. I had heard all about how this woman took off with his son and he could never find her etc but I had a feeling something more was going on there but he told me I was being too sensitive and paranoid.
His son came to live with us and at first it was all great between the two of them, the kid was out of school, my ex wasn’t working and I was paying all the bills. Then I brought them to reality and enrolled the boy in school. My ex tried to make me out to be the bitch but I always explain why I do what I do and his son could understand reason. I took the boy to work with me and we ended up doing a lot together and he grew to love me. Of course my ex was NOT happy! his son didn’t think the sun rose and set on him and then my ex went back to his true self.
He started not coming home at night, and was sabotaging my truck so I couldn’t work and then bitch because we were costing him so much money.
His son and I were stuck at home for a week eating rice, porridge, etc while he bought himself precooked microwave meals to eat at work and even brought them home for himself for supper. He had Sun Mon off and promised to take us grocery shopping Sun. It was 3:30 pm, he ate a microwave meal and we were waiting to go shopping. His son was getting pissed and I had $6 left and said if he wanted to ride his bike to Tim Horton’s we could get donuts to tide us over. It was pissing rain but he rode off. I said to him don’t forget to get your dad’s double choc donuts, which he did. He was such a good natured kid and came in soaking wet and called to his dad, “I got your double choc donuts” his dad was miserable and said he didn’t want them his son could eat them. I never would have eaten those donuts but of course his son ate them and then his dad walked out from the bedroom and went to get a donut. He lost it! punched the kid and called him a self F’n pig. I jumped between them and the kid ran out the door with my ex screaming after him to not come back. The kid went to the neighbors and called the police. I went looking for him and we waited for the cops. They separated us and we both had the same story but I heard my ex lying his face off but he was not his usual jocular self this time. The cop asked the boy if he wanted to press charges and the kid said no and asked if the cop couldn’t just scare his dad, talk to him so he would stop hurting Carrie and him. He didn’t want his dad to lose his job. The cop asked me if my ex hit me and I lied and said not for a long time. The cop left and said any further trouble just call. The boy asked to go to the neighbors and I said sure. I went back in the house. An hour or so later my step son waked in. I was so proud of him to not hold a grudge. His dad came flying out of the bedroom screaming, “I told you to never come back.” and went to punch him again. I got between them again and his dad was just raging. His son started to cry and I hugged him and my ex of course said I was babying him and came at him again. i told him to get the F out or I’d call the police which slowed him down. I said,”just let me help your son pack. We packed up his stuff, I called a friend to come and get the boy and called the mom to get her to buy a ticket for the boy home. And that was the last time I saw the boy. Horrible experience for the kid. He and I still keep in touch and he and his mom have thanked me several times. He is 19 now and a man but he contacted again just recently and thanked me for everything I did for him. But he did a lot for me also, having him there confirmed I was not crazy and paranoid.
The friends offered to take me with them, but I didnt want to leave my dog and my truck was broken down and I didn’t want to leave it with my ex because I knew I would never see either of them again if I did. He destroyed everything important to me. And I wanted to save enough money to rent a place. As it was I left with nothing.
I have been away 4 years this Nov. I have had 2 heart attacked since and ended up living in my truck for 6 weeks, and in a trailer without heat, sewer or running water for over a year. My dog’s water dish frozen inside the trailer in winter. I thought I would die out there.
I read a lot, researched narcissists, psychopaths, did a huge amount of self reflection, when a person is broken that badly and has no support whatsoever it takes you to a very dark place and you have to put yourself back together. It has been the most rewarding experience and I know myself intimately now. Piece by piece I put me back together and the pieces that didn’t fit I didn’t keep.
We are all a product of what we have been told our whole lives about who we are. Some of it is the truth and some of it is lies. Often times we are what others tell us we are. When a person is stripped down to nothing you have a chance to really look at all that stuff and decide what is you and what you were never meant to pack. It has led me to an inner peace I have never known before and a point of empathy and understanding I never had before.
I started my blog after a failed suicide attempt, in an attempt to make myself accountable to someone. If I declared to the world I was going to survive this I couldn’t very well go and kill myself. I hoped that by sharing my story I would help even one woman going through the same thing.
It helped me more than I ever anticipated and my blog has grown far far beyond anything I could have ever imagined. helping others has helped me immensely. I speak my truth and if people don’t like it I am fine with that. I have set boundaries, I believe in me, God, karma and that things happen for a reason and I am living my purpose. If living through my ex was necessary to bring me to this point I am ok with that.
Sorry for the length I didn’t mean to high jack the conversation.
Ladywithatruck
I’ve got spyware on my P’s computer but he’s learnt to surf the net via a com surrogate program that doesn’t pick up what he’s doing. Occasionally he slips up and forgets and I see it. What confuses me is he made an alias email address and registered for a dating site. I was furious at myself for considering all the tears might have been real and spent days angry and determined to never believe him again but last night I was able to log into the dating site, using his passwords and all he appears to have done is find woman with my name and age so I can only assume he’s trying to fibd out if I’m dating… now I’m back to the question again – was he being truthful for once…grr!
Measuring his overall actions might help you answer your question whether he was telling the truth. Also consider if there are outstanding lies that he has not corrected. Telling the truth once while establishing and maintaining other lies, is probably not a change of character and motive.
It has also been my experience that if your aren’t sure whether someone is on the up and up, they prob ably aren’t. If you find yourself constantly having to check up on someone, and he appears to be checking up on you, it’s not a good situation.
Ironic, I understand the questioning yourself because we don’t ever want to misjudge someone or falsely accuse them. The N does it to us, we know how horrible it feels and we want to be fair.
In my experience my ex used to set things up for me to find that would look like an accident but done very purposely to throw me off the scent of what he was truly up to. He also used to purposely leave hints out, like a woman’s phone number etc because he loved for me to be hurt about other women. If I was crying it was visual proof of how much I loved him.
He would purposely stay out all night and not be up to anything but that was to throw me off when he was up to something, put doubt in my mind. I finally figured it out that if he came to bed and made love with me and kissed me good bye in the morning and said he loved me; he would not be home that night guaranteed. It probably was a real aphrodisiac to go from my bed to whoevers. Makes me want to puke now.
I know you have to do what you feel comfortable with and we all can’t help but wonder, “What if he really has changed this time?” and think, geez I have invested so much effort and time into this relationship I don’t want some other woman to reap the benefits of all my hard work.
but I bet there is this tiny little voice inside you, that feeling in the pit of your stomach that is saying something is not right. You can’t put your finger on it but you feel it in your soul. I can’t presume to tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. I am 100% certain that if you go back you will regret it and he will get another piece of your soul, a bigger piece because if you go back you will be even more determined to make it work.
It is a tough decision and one where I made the wrong choice. Listen to your gut instincts, they never lie. There is no rush. If he has truly changed he will prove himself and not mind doing it. If he is truly remorseful and changed he will understand that you need time. He should be more than willing to be totally transparent always on all things, no excuses. Set your boundaries and give no 2nd chances. he should be in therapy, not couples therapy, for himself, appointments he makes and keeps because he wants to be a better person not because you forced him.
Time, time will tell and it is your friend. The only reason you would go rushing back to him would be because you are afraid that time will reveal he has not changed. A changed man would gladly give you all the time you need just happy to be given the chance to prove himself.
If he is pressuring you in anyway he is afraid he can’t keep the act up long enough.
Good luck
hugs
Carrie
Annette
These questions you raise are answers I’ve pondered myself but thank you for the confirmation. As you are very aware…we tend not to trust our instincts when we’ve been run over by a psychopath!
Ironic, you are more than welcome. If sharing my experiences helps even one person not make the mistakes I made then it makes it easier for me to live with them. Nothing is a waste if something good comes of it. 🙂
They are quite the actors, academy award winning!! By the time we got to his third apology I was on to him and it was almost comical. Once you know what they are doing you can pick up on the fact that they are faking it.
My ex could turn on the tears like a switch, usually. If he was having trouble getting the tears to come he would put his hand up as if to say, “Don’t look at me, I am embarrassed to be crying. He would look away, take his glasses off and rub his eyes. and say, “just give me a minute.” his chin would be quivering, he even mastered the nervous playing with something in his hands like someone who is nervous, he could make his hands shake and everything.
It was really funny the last time because he was crying telling me his ex g/f from years ago had died. She drank herself to death, never got over him. She apparently called all his new g/f’s to warn them and made it her life’s mission to make him pay for hurting her. The problem was she was a horrible drunk. She called me at 2 am and I had never heard such a venomous vulgar out pouring from any one in my life and i hung up on her. She called me over 30 times in one night, her language getting more profane with every call. She lost her credibility.
But he kept in contact with her for 15 years. there was no way she could have gotten my number from anyone but him so he obviously got off on her pain.
Anyway, she apparently drank herself to death and he said he didn’t know why he was crying, it had been 15 years and I said,”Because you feel bad for ruining her life?”
All of a sudden the tears stopped and he looked at me with this grin on his face and said,”She sure hated you.”
I asked why, she didn’t even know me and why was he talking to her about me anyway?
He said, “She couldn’t stand that we were so happy.”
I said, “We were?”
He said, “Yeah”
I said,”You could have fooled me.”
he said,”We were together over 10 years.”
I said, “You were happy? you sure didn’t let on to me.”
But then I knew why he was going on to me about how wonderful his new woman was. He was treating me like shit the whole last 9 years but he must have been telling her how happy and perfect our relationship was. The cruel sob. So I knew from that point on that no matter what he said about how happy he was he was saying it just to make me feel bad.
Who does that? who is happy to find out they broke someone’s heart so badly they never recovered?
They truly get off on other people’s pain.
Ladywith…
Oh the many faces of a psychopath! It hurts to hear the truth even when it’s delivered subconsciously, that is the only way I can find the truth out of the bs that comes from the mouth of my path. If I stand in my power without any emotional involvement, then I can hear the truth behind his words, the crying was a whole other side to him that I’d never encountered, well never about me or for me. I’d caught a glimpse of it with other people and when his dog had to be put down but that situation ended up confusing me as well.
The arrogance he showed in our relationship never warranted this show of emotion. What brought him unstuck was the crying for 3hours straight with a hard-on? Who can feel desire when they’ve been that emotional for 3hours?
Definitely something not quite right with this picture kinda thing going on!
ironic,he was getting off on his great acting abilities, thinking he was sucking you in and it made him feel so powerful. Control is their aphrodisiac.
Thank you AnnettPK great verses. I have to keep re reading them and writing. .reading. I don’t know how I have never heard of such people. I knew that I was not in a normal relationship. .but after finding this site..talking to you all..and talking to Donna..I know I have to accept he really is a sociopath. He has no empathy. None. He can sayhe loves my one minute and the next hurt me
You’re welcome. When I read and prayed, I found Bible passages that addressed my situation exactly and gave me wisdom and strength I needed.
As much as you can, try to spend some time every day, maybe an hour or so, doing something that totally takes your mind off your ex and your grief. You’ll go back to your grief work, but it’s helpful to take a break – watch a comedy that has nothing to do with anything, work on a project, volunteer in a school (young children are therapeutic to me), call someone and talk about something other than your troubles, whatever you can do to distract yourself. It helps to bring balance to one’s life.
Ladywithatruck
What a horrendous story. So you said he had 6 months to live? And now 2 years later he is still alive?
I am the one with the son who gets sobby messages and emails from my ex, my sons father. He had not answered any if his b/s mails in almost 2 years. We both know the truth, that the ex uses it as a tool for control. There is no love or emotions. A father who can just get up and leave his family without any money, changing all bank accounts , stopped paying his dons college tuition , forcing the sale of the house and so on. We sure don’t want that man/loser/coward. That is why we are staying no contact.
Thanks for sharing your story. They are all the same.
Kaya48, it was 2008 that he came begging me back. He would have Malaria “attacks” horrible fevers and I would be so worried about him. He would disappear for a day or two and not answer his phone and then contact me and say he was in the hospital with another attack, he would have the wrist band on from the hospital but it just struck me the other day. When you go to emergency they put a wrist band on you right away and then you wait to see a doctor he could have gone and got the band and then just walked out. I didn’t think of it at the time. But that was 6 years ago and he is still very much alive. In fact when he met this new woman she made him go for a physical because her husband had died of cancer, well wouldn’t you know he had a miraculous healing and is malaria free.
I always thought it was strange that I was searching the web for all the info I could find on Malaria and he never seemed too concerned. I mentioned it to him and he said that he was supposed to die many times in his life and didn’t and that God would save him if he was meant to live. Again very convenient “faith”, he sure wasn’t working for God in Africa. Apparently he stole from the charity also.
I said to him once, If you are living like there is no God you better pray you are right. Of course I am the psycho bitch that made his life hell for 10 years and this new woman is his soul mate and her special love has saved him. It was my own fault for going back. Had I remained no contact and not even listened to him I would have been so much better off. I was doing really well even started dating but when I went back it was so much worse. That saying “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” hold very true in some cases.
Thanks for your reply
Hanalei
Thank you for your kind words. I feel the pain Taralev is going through. And I understand it takes months for some of us or even years to cut of all contact. But I truly believe that it is time for Taralev to put a stop to his manipulation. I know for a fact you cannot make someone love you no matter how much you love him. By leaving he made his choice and he does not have the right or privilege to interfere with your life anymore. By having a relationship with someone new he clearly states “I don’t love you, I don’t care about you “. That would be the end of a normal break up. With a narcissist or sociopath that’s not enough. They want to keep destroying you, continuing to devalue you. Only you have the control and power to stop it. And that is to go no contact.
Hanalei , I am sorry to hear that you still have your struggles. I will keep you in my prayers.
Not
I really like your comment about taking baby steps. I too was married for over 20 years and it seem so unlikely for me to date anyone. It’s a scary thought for me. I have many friends that I talk to and my great co workers and bosses. I too felt like you, kind of old and not pretty, so very unlikely someone wants to “date” me. But you know what, a few male co workers asked me out. I did not accept ax I am not ready for a new relationship. I think after you went through these nightmares it’s like a long transitional period we must complete. I not that afraid of someone lying and cheating again, I am just afraid of any close relationship. I am ok by myself now . I am content, I have my son and my pets. I think that’s plenty I am blessed with.
kaya48
Contentment is a pretty wonderful state of being!
I am reading one of those yahoo articles “family discovers wedding advice” and much of it applies to advice many of us (ME!) missed out on all those years ago.
I especially like the one:
“True worth is in being, Not seeming In doing each day that goes by Some little good – not in dreaming Of great things to do by and by. Your True Friend, Gracie.”
Isn’t that a real jewel?! Because my ex was all about “Seemingly” a nice guy. He was NEVER about “BEING” a genuine decent person.
claimmypower
i do believe the upbringing these men had has contributed to the severely disturbed beings they are today.. mine came from a broken home, his mom had three other children all different fathers, she committed suicide when mine was early teens and she sexually abused him when he was 10…now this is his story and it seems to have remained constant over the years…if in fact its all true, it explains a hell of a lot of why he is so messed up….
does yours appear to be all together and sharp and pretty smart, knowledgable? i know mine is very intelligent. he went back to school to get his masters or PHd and had a GPA of 4.0 within the three years we were together..i helped him write his thesis with him which was a long hard road but he managed to get it published…so before anything happened and he met this girl he is with, i had reason to believe all the long hours spent on the computer into the very early mornings were because of his studies…little did i know he had sites he’d been on picking up women under false identities, meeting with several of them, having sex with them and now his current gf/wife who lives across the world in a very foreign country…was i dumb dumb dumb!! i caught many of the sites he’d been on and researched lots of them and found out what he’d been doing behind my back…did he confess to them when i caught him? no he tried to switch the whole thing around each time and somehow it would end up with me not knowing what i was talking about..
did yours do any of this or was his behaviour similar?? because looking back on the years together i saw the pattern, i saw his capabilities and now realize as he has done this most current stupid impulsive crap, it all makes sense…he is craving love and attention….i explained this many times to him and i tried to help him and forgave for many of his stupid actions, which i think is when he got bored of me and behind my back did what he did…
lying was so normal for him…thats all he did…until the day he got married he claimed i am the love of his life, loves me so deeply that nobody shares what we had and this new girl may not even work out!!!he promised constant contact between he and i and nothing would change once married…and when i saw the minute he married he stopped communication except for the odd message to say how much he still loves me, but loves her and can’t lead a double life, i realized this man does need help and the poor girl is in for a rude awakening!!
its good to see others stories and compare to one another, it helps to see the clarity in it all when i read the others on here and believe me it helps!!
My ex did porn & child porn on the computer in the wee hours, under the guise of working. (He worked at home, self employed)
YES! Mine did exactly that when caught in anything, lies, etc. He would argue, twist the truth, turn it around on me so I was the one in the wrong for not forgiving, for having ‘impossible standards,’ for discovering his evil, etc. etc. Til I didn’t know what I was talking about. I can’t imagine what I would have done without the internet and books to keep my mind sane and grounded. Even then, I succumbed to his messing with my mind.
A tactic that helped me when I was strong enough to resist his button pushing, was not to react, to just observe, and think, and notice his actions overall. It was an eyeopener. They keep us spinning to keep us under their mind control.
AnnettePK
they are disgusting whether its porn, child porn, other women, dating…i sometimes now say most men who are stable and healthy, with a happy life and with a direction, don’t spend much time on social websites…business sites, yes…but now if i see or hear of someone being on a computer all day, like yours and mine, its not normal and they are up to evil!!
mine claimed to work from home on all that schoolwork, and filling out job applications, all day…since together with him he mostly was home “working” and a few times was sent on “missions” he would call them, to an undisclosed location, very top secret because he had to keep a low profile because he was working with th4e govt….it could have been true to a degree but i highly doubt he was some big top secret agent like he claimed to be…i laugh now at it all..
because he and i lived a distance from one another, we spoke online when not together…when i would confront him and tell him i found him on websites with different user names…i would have the screen right in front of me looking at it while being on messenger with him, he would actually go to the certain website i had been referring to, although he would say he didn’t know what i was even talking about, and he would deny access so i couldn’t get on that page anymore…he pretended i was seeing things! so the next time i would try to get on that site…it wasn’t there anymore…it was really there, he just finagled something in the settings so i could not access anything…then he would tell me i was seeing things!! he was very good at doing that the few times i saw anything…i widened up eventually and said nothing to him anymore when i did find anything, and he wouldn’t know..
eventually i became like you and tried the no reaction and just observe…in the end it appears i was right about everything…
janedoe
I am totally creeped out by your ex’s slimey assumption that you’d take comfort in his promise to cheat on his new bride with you, that nothing would change once he married? eeewwwww. What hubris to EVER call that “LOVE”. Oh yeah baby, that’s the way to win a woman’s heart and mind, tell her that you’ll cheat ON HER, and WITH her. %$#@.......!!!
I’ll smack him and you can smack my ex, who after all the smearing and public ridicule and abandonment and defrauding me of my own pre-marital property, and alienating my daughter against me…. sent a Happy New Years email lamenting how I didn’t wait and should have because he “always figured we’d reconcile”. AAAWWWWKKK! There was NOTHING to reconcile!
NotWhatHeSaid
they like to either fool themselves by saying what they think we want to hear, or they are just very very dumb and think we fall for it…what is the matter with idiots like this??? it gets me so irritated when they talk stupidity!!!
i think mine thought it would make me feel better and it would justify the situation for what an inhumane thing he had done by marrying someone in the middle of our relationship and lying…of course once push came to shove and he married…he could no longer continue with what he told me…he didn’t want to hurt her!!! omg…i said to him “i understand that fully..but out of curiosity, was it ok to cheat behind my back and hurt me without worrying the outcome?” so its ok not to hurt others, but with me it was ok….f***er
pretty creepy like you said!