UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I am not sure if this has been posted before but I found it very interesting
2 Timothy 3:1-7
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
Those verses are very important to my theology. I believe the point made is relevant.
It’s been awhile since I posted, but I wanted to add my thoughts as well. My ex spath and I were together 10 years, engaged and owned our home together. When I think back, sure I now see all those red flags that I ignored, when I discovered all the infidelity, the lies, the sneakiness, he put spyware on my stuff, tried to put me in jail, and did I mention all the lies?? 😉 I finally realized it was time for me to end this, I was so tired of lie after lie, all the constant suspicion, etc. But it wasn’t easy, I went back many times, with his promises of changing, of working on it, of I make him a better man, etc. But that’s what I did, because I trust and believe in people and their sincerity. Because I have emotions, love, and empathy like NORMAL people do and I believe others would be the same. But not so with these spaths! Like ladywithatruck said, we assume they have the same emotions and feelings as us but they really do not. They know right from wrong, but they don’t know how the hurt and devastation feels, at all! A normal person with feelings and empathy wouldn’t do the things that spaths do. That’s why the no contact is crucial. They will never know or understand the depth of harm and hurt that they’ve done to us.
NC was very hard at first, not only because you miss what you had, but also because when the spath is going on and on twisting everything making it suddenly seem like my fault, for myself, I wanted to defend myself, to say but that’s not true, or what about this, etc. It really was no use trying to defend as my ex was only going to see it his way so that way he felt “justified” for doing whatever he did.
But after my spath tried to put me in jail, after moments of “What the f@.......!#!!” is this really happening to me or am I crazy?” I finally snapped into reality. How could my “soulmate”, the one who is supposed to love and protect me, after 10 years so easily just try to set me up and put me in jail? I couldn’t comprehend this and I didn’t know the narcissist/sociopath abuse. But I knew that whatever it was, was not normal and I needed out. I saw a side of him that was pure evil, and not only scary, but very dangerous! I truly believe he was trying to set me up to get arrested and put in jail. Yep, because that’s exactly the kind of thing you do to someone whom you love so much!
Then trying to sell the home and get out became my next nightmare with him. In his true sociopath fashion, he said he would destroy me financially, take me down, he made my life hell. Again the vindictive crap starts, childishly vindictive too. He put protective order on me, and stole my things. His plan backfired a little, he ended up having to vacate home and no longer live there, which really saved me at this point, as he would have just kept torturing me living there. But this certainly enraged Mr spath! Now he was losing his “Control”. This is where no contact became easier for me, he was no longer able to come into home, I changed locks and I ignored calls and text. When he’d be in the driveway spouting off about what a whore I was, or this or that, I’d ignore him and never go outside. I just watched him, and I saw his true person come out and it disgusted me. He is not a good person at all and the no contact helped me see it more clearly.
So while I’m at least past the no contact, I find myself slumped in this lonely phase. And i do have setbacks of anger. I am angry that I lost so much including my home, and I’m angry that he sets it up so that he moves right in with another woman? It’s like, no skin off his back! It kills me that he goes on smear campaign about me, but yet he moves right in with another woman? Do people really think this would be normal? To me, I would think that looks more unstable than anything. Even if he smeared me saying I was crazy, or whatever else. Still doesn’t mean you move right in with another! And that’s what he did to the exes before me. I would think that people would start to see an abnormal pattern with him?
Sometimes I feel like taking an ad out in the front page of the newspaper and exposing the lowlife scumbag that he is. (No, no, I would never do, but a girl can dream right ;))! And while I’d rather be alone than with him, truth be told, I don’t want to be alone forever. I wasn’t able to have children, but I’m a nurturer, and I enjoy caring for someone and doing for someone. I’m not anyone special, I want love and companionship just like everyone else. I don’t want to think that this nightmare was all God had planned out for me in life.
This phase is difficult sometimes because while I do have good friends who are thankfully supportive, they are also all married, families, etc. It’s not always fun doing everything alone. Weekends can get tough for me as I’m alone and it’s very easy to sit and reflect and become saddened or angry because I feel like I’ve been set back so far in my life. Things I once enjoyed immensely, I no longer feel like. I almost feel lost, and just going through the motions of day to day. I’m hoping it all comes back. And it’s not everyday I feel this, I’ll do well for awhile then suddenly have a setback? Kinda frustrating. I just want to feel again, I want to feel alive and I want to feel good again! I do try to do my own things for myself and my happiness, but sometimes a “one-woman show” is no fun!
I feel the same, I feel your pain. Married to a socio for 7 years, together for 9, and divorced for 6.. when will these feelings end? Making progress, as I just discovered 6 months back that my x-wife (and mother) were/are sociopaths – after it was too late – now have two kids with her and she uses court to try to stay in contact or get a rise. I do NC for the last @8 months, since I discovered who she was – and my life is finally improving… but so slow – I share 50/50 custody of my two kids (one disabled who she could care less about till someone is watching) and the weeks without them are SO HARD… lots of anger, frustration, my family and friends believed her BS and abandoned me (not that they were strong friends or close family anyway, unfortunately) – I need to find closure by accepting somehow that all of this was my journey, and a learning experience about my entire life – knowing my mother was a sociopath answered so many painful questions I have been carrying around my whole life. Now my life makes sense, but its a depressing mess, still. I have to focus on positive. Stay strong. I pray I find a loving nuturing woman in my life somehow, and hope I trust by that time she crosses my path. I miss loving and being loved, even thought I know I never received love from anyone in my life (not true love) aside form my two beautiful children (who I constantly have to try and save from her games and abuse of them) and my cats. lol I have so much love to give, so it all goes to my kids. Hope Im not smothering them with too much love and attention, as they are my entire life and all I think about!! STAY STRONG, GODSPEED
WantMyLifeBack2,
Thank you, for your insight and understanding. How and why did your marriage end? It’s so sad when spaths use the children. And it’s truly disheartening when they’re able to turn any family and friends against you. We’re innocent with nothing to hide and we can’t fathom sometimes how anyone could believe their craziness and evil lies. I once asked my ex what he was proud of? He couldn’t answer. What could these spaths say? Oh, “I’m proud that I hurt so many people, destroyed them, that I stole from them, or I ruined them financially?” Pretty sad. We should really pity these spaths for the empty shell of a person they are. They’ll never have true feelings of love and trust, of emotions, feelings and respect. They have to fake their way thru life, whats to be proud of there? For us, even though we are hurting now, we will someday be healed and STILL be able to love and have feelings. We have heart and soul, unlike the dark soulless spath.
You are so right about staying positive! I have faith that in time we will heal and that’s when it will be our time. We do have so much to offer and love to give. Because in all honesty, I’m not sure about you, but for myself, I know that I’m not ready for anyone yet. Someone could put the kindest, most genuine man in front of my eyes and I probably wouldn’t even know it. Even though I’m lonely or sad and really want that, I know it’s not right yet. We need this time to heal our own selves so that we are able to move forward and have fulfilling lives. It’s so helpful to talk here with others about this and to help each other get thru the rough days. We can give positive insight and strength, now if only we could hear our own advice right? 😉
Also, I know that I can’t expect someone to give 100% when I’m unable to give the same. And how can I expect someone to love me so much when I don’t really love myself yet? I need to be healed and happy in order to be able to give that back. Does that make sense?
But I have faith that God knows we’re not ready yet, He will know when we are.
And your children will know how much you love them, they will feel your genuine desire to spend time with them, they will feel your love.
Stay strong and keep the positivity my friend! Godspeed to you as well.
Anyone read the Mark Sanford fb post? Conservative, Mr Family values?
For those of us who had marriages, he left for the hot young affair who was his true love, soulmate, and then surprise surprise, he couldn’t commit to her either….
One of the comments: Marriage and Commitment, the ONLY part that Mark Sanford found to be immoral.
The comments were mostly decent, that NORMAL people know a snake… even if his voters seem to be mesmerized by the hisssssssssss.
Ironic
Thank you so much. I feel so honored to be your inspiration. I honestly don’t know how I managed to turn into a “gladiator”, it was something I was never capable of. It still amazes me that I went no contact, cold turkey and totally cut him out of my life. As you all know I was divorcing a narcissist who is also a sheriffs deputy. It was like going to war. Thinking back I don’t know how I survived this year of court battles. I don’t remember driving to my workplace after being in court all morning and then performing my work duties. It’s all over now and I don’t worry about this ex anymore.
It was the only way for me to recover from all the abuse, lies and betrayals. Just today I saw an advertisement for Ashley Maddison’s (life is short, have an affair) Website. I laughed because when I asked him why he had a profile on this site he told me “the computer generated it, must be something wrong with our computer “. Ha. What an idiot. Aren’t they all the same with the crazy lies? I sure don’t miss those times.
Kaya48
I’m copping the love bomb to the extreme only this would have worked, maybe the 8 times it was needed to save the marriage rather than when I’d finally come to my senses and left the psycho prick – so sorry for the late response!
Haha “the computer generated it” what a crock of s***! My P convinced me that his credit card and identity had been fraudulently used to establish a profile on a sex site (full of the most disgusting profile photos) and sadly I believed him. He said he was part of a group court action against the site and even dressed in a suit one day, saying he was going to court about it. Years later, I still don’t know where he went that day but can only assume he was in court for a work related hearing as he was a cop and wasn’t allowed to wear his uniform when kids were involved and he had to give evidence…
I wish my P would realise I’m not coming back and stop trying to get me back with his soppy love song emails, endless words of praise and begging for forgiveness, I now realise he’s really quite stupid instead of thinking I was stupid for doubting him all those times he got me back.
LadyT
Your ex just sounds like mine. He was very mean to his son also, calling him names and devaluing him. They are so awful. And I was always labeled “crazy psycho bitch” by him. For years that was how he described me. Once he went to far by calling some of his cop buddies to come to the house and he had me baker acted (sent to a mental institution for evaluation against my will). They put me in handcuffs and took me to anbezahlt Hospital. The psychiatrist on duty was outraged at the misuse of cop power. I was allowed to go home after 2 hours. Talking to psychatrist I explained my situation. My diagnosis was not bring mentally ill or unstable, it was “mixed emotions due to domestic abuse by husband”. Even the young psychatrist advices me to leave the husband and obtain a divorce. We were not able to turn on the husband to the sheriffs department, of course they all stuck together and covered for him .
I filed for divorce shortly after. And when my ex brought up “she is mentally ill” in court he was shut down real fast. My attorneys words “we all know that she is not mentally ill, but since she is emotional , we are asking for higher alimony, so she can support herself”.
His little plan about the mental thing did not work. And if a person is truly mentally ill, the husband should protect her , seek help instead of discarding her.
And this is exactly why I cannot or will ever have any contact with him again. They will always take his word, after all he is such a highly regonized law enforcement officer , who has sex with his co workers during their nightly shifts. Yuck. That’s all I can say.
Kaya, how horrible for you!! My God that would be so scary, thank God it backfired on him!! They are so evil, beyond anything a normal person could ever imagine unless they had been there. I would not put anything beyond what my ex would do to make my life hell. I hate to think what he would do if he had the power of the police behind him. So glad to know you are away from that.
Big hugs to you
Related to but applies to more than my ex:
Today an incident came up. One that is emotionally wounding to me. I felt it when I was a little kid. It was extremely painful for me when I was married to a sociopath. I need to resolve it. And am asking if others have the same emotional wound or can advise me.
They are what I say is the WORST most awful phrase, the TOP horrible phrase ever, at least to me.
SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. Shut UP. SHUT up. shut up. SHHHUUTTTT UUUPPPP.
This phrase triggers such flustration in me, such upset. It makes me feel erased, dismissed, trivialized, unworthy, censored as if my being is less valued than others.
Can anyone relate to this issue that I have, that to tell someone to SHUT UP is to disregard their existence. I am not talking about limiting an abuser with NC, I am talking about disagreeing with a person’s perspective and instead of explaining to me what they disagree about, they just say SHUT UP, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. I am not a physical person but I admit, when someone says SHUT UP, I wish I had a fist to bash their mouth. (I have severe arthritis so I can’t even make a fist, never mind hit anyone. BUT I FEEL LIKE DOING IT!!)
I am seeking peace and comfort so bible verses are welcome, except for the one saying turn the other cheek. In this case, that particular one sharpens the emotional wound.
Thanks for anyone’s thoughts/response.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, well, this is timely for me. Wow.
I wasn’t raised hearing, or saying the words “shut up”. I don’t recall the last time I heard them, if ever, and I don’t recall ever saying them”until a couple of months ago.
It was to that friend I’ve been writing about. The one who was hurting me, and that I felt the need to distance myself from. The one that contacted me last week and I have a tentative lunch date with later this week. The one that my gut has been screaming at me to not start back up with.
Our last phone conversation (the one that resulted in me distancing myself) was VERY stressful for me. She was hitting all my soft spots with darts and arrows and it felt relentless to me. Maybe it was no different than any other call, but that day, I couldn’t take any more. I screamed at her “shhhuuuttttt uuuuupppppp” and literally threw the phone. When I picked the phone up, she said “sorry for offering my OPINION” and I ended the call. I had to take a whole Xanax that afternoon. After a phone call from a FRIEND. Later, I texted her and told her that I needed some space and was taking it.
The words “shhhuuuttttt uuuuupppppp” echoed in my head. I was shocked that they had come out of my mouth, and realized I had let her cross so many boundaries with me, in the belief that she “meant well”, forgiving her since she “meant well”, that I had allowed myself to be pushed to the point that my ex used to push me to and then he would accuse me of being mentally unbalanced, abusive and disordered. Meanwhile, I would be reduced to a quivering pile of jelly that was of no use to anyone.
I haven’t done anything about canceling the lunch date, letting it ride to let myself see how I feel as it gets closer. Duh. I know how I feel. I’m texting her now.
Thank you for the wake up call. xo
HanaleiMoon
You have a frenimie.
I HAD one too. She was constantly invalidating me. Telling me to think of my marriage woes from HER perspective. It was SO painful to me, that she was telling me how to treat my husband like a king so he’d treat me like a queen. On that line… I got so upset and asked her why why why was she telling me that my intuition about my husband was wrong?!? She said she was just playing devils advocate. I said, I have enough evil in my life,I don’t need a devils advocate, I needed a NWHSOM advocate.
You didn’t need her OPINION, you needed her to be a FRIEND, to be supportive and encouraging and kind. She totally missed what being a FRIEND is about. I liken it to my ex husband telling me that I was so unlikable that anyone who got to know me didn’t like me. I would cry and put my hands over my ears (trying to silence him). It’s not the same thing as SHUT UP. And I agree with your use of it. I don’t know what you texted her, but I hope it was goodbye.
Frenimie – that is exactly right.
It’s sad that there are people who would prefer that we stay messed up. (Or worse yet, help to keep us messed up.)
Not,
I’d like to understand better. Who is saying ‘shut up’ to you and what are the circumstances?
My personal feeling is that if anyone ever said that to me they would not see me again ever. If I could not get away for some reason, I probably would not ever say another word to anyone who told me to ‘shut up.’
It’s totally unacceptable to ever say that to anyone. If someone doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, they shouldn’t be around me ever. That would solve their problem with whatever I’m saying that they don’t like.
Sometimes it’s not appropriate to turn the other cheek. I don’t know exactly what the circumstances are, but I think I understand that you are extremely upset and frustrated and in pain. I think that you feel powerless to do anything about what is hurting you so much.
When I feel this way, the Bible verses I turn to are ones like these: Exodus 14:13 “Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever.” The Egyptians were the enemy who were trying to destroy the people Moses was talking to.
When I am troubled by things that I can’t control, about the only thing I can do to bring myself a little bit of peace is to let go of trying to change it, and look at what I am able to change about the situation.
Not
I can totally relate to you. In my case it was always “shut the f***up”. All the time. It is paralyzing and it instills fear in us. But God says “you have nothing to fear”.
Here is one of my favorite verses :
Isaiah 41:10
“Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
Thanks kaya48
I can be kinda thick, some things need to be explained to me (I didn’t learn a lot of the childhood lessons that are natural to others. It has left me feeling that all others in the world have information that makes them normal, and it’s been kept secret from me because I am so deficient.).
The phrase “SHUT UP” does not instill fear in me. Rather, I feel furious that everyone else’s perspective is valid and mine is judged irrelevant. And I don’t feel paralyzed, I feel stymied, silenced.
I pursue my faith but sometimes the bible makes no sense to me. Much of it seems a riddle to me. So help me to understand HOW God strengthens me or upholds me. For me, these are intangible words, there is NO effect of feeling upheld. WORDS that resonate will have the effect of comforting me, but there is no physical manifestation of being strengthened or upheld by God.
This is my blind spot!
I’m Sorry for my blind spot and apologize to you, that I don’t see what seems obvious to others. Others seem to feel/receive a physical manifestation. This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder that GOD is there for others, but not for me (was explained to me by my mom that God had judged me not worthy of personal help but I could read the words of how he was physically there for others).
Can you explain the meaning of the bible verse? It’s a riddle to me because it’s not true, he does not do that for me. The bible verse seems to indicate a promise but not something I can count on. and I’m left with my anger at being shut down and silenced while others get support and God’s strength and upheld.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe –
So well worded – I feel the same. I believe those with faith have the same ‘problem’, and it is simply their belief and faith that the words (they truly believe, or even are fighting to believe like we are, by sharing and hoping to open up conversation about God, or simply to form a connection/dialogue with others) at least give one some kind of closure to that which does not ever seem to close – or grant some kind of hope in a seemingly hopeless situation… I too am conflicted, I believe whole heartedly in God one minute, and the next minute, I feel opposite forces are controlling everything, inlcuding my entire existence – so how could God truly ‘allow’ such suffering if he is our protector/guide. I believe the Bible, though written by man, holds intense lessons that are true, if read in the right situation and mind-set – we do not see the end of the tunnel, we instead live in ‘the now’, and I think one of Gods big lessons is:roll with it, your learning and growing stronger – you will gain clarity and love in the end, if you just dont turn to the dark side of life, dont get swallowed by all the evil and pain. Then you have society, which is always telling us to look at the NOW and NOW is all that matters. I think often society rules and the bibles teaching conflict and are at odds (which leads to a different subject entirely.. as far as who formed religion and why, historically speaking -which further distances me from faith) – and the fact that saying anything other than to agree often sparks argument between those who are trying to help one another, doesnt help – and undermines it, thus allowing the dark forces of confusion into our lives once again, possibly even harboring resentment towards someone who is just trying to help. But I write just to say I understand and feel that ‘abandonment’ (if you will) – an abandonment I assume we both had a children, which made us such easy targets for abusers later in life/today, and constantly gives us the feeling that we are so alone. Abuse clouds faith and hope in every way, and the bible (at least how I understand it) is there to give hope to the hopeless, and strength to the downtrodden. It is there to keep us from taking our own lives and giving up to all the pain and heartache. It takes great resolve and FAITH to survive when you have a heart and empathy – to make the words actually have meaning in our lives. When we are still in the abyss, we are so distracted and not grounded.. perhaps this is also how the bible works, it encourages others to share bits of wisdom with those who they see are suffering greatly, stemming from empathy. Unfortunately, the words often fall on ears that are damaged and unable to see clarity the bible is hoping to give to us. I know this may not help, as I obviously have no answers – but wanted to say I understand where you are coming from and admire your respectful response to a bible verse that isnt connecting or having meaning for you. I pray for strength and it is given to me, somehow, just if I remember to ASK for strength, humble myself and speak to God – even though I carry shame for doubting Him so often, then asking for help, (in effect I feel like I am using Him, again, always blaming myself regardless of the situation) or only turning to Him as a last resort, instead of always believing, even when pure evil is everywhere and surrounding me in my life, for decades, if not my entire life. Take care & stay strong…
Thanks for the kind words Want2,
I once had a wonderful bible study teacher who encouraged questions. She said, if Christianity can’t handle being questioned, then it’s not much of a religion. I LOVED that she explained bible passages to our group and opened up the meaning of the word. Those insights and meanings make me feel so connected to God.
So I just know that when I am not seeing the meaning, I can ask and good Christian people will share with me. And I will do the same for others. I think if I admit my blind spots, and explain what makes me feel blind, then people will know it’s not that I don’t WANT to see, it’s that I need HELP to see. I am sure that kaya48 knows my mindset well enough, that I am seeking hidden knowledge, and she will enlighten my heart with her insight and wisdom about her bible passage.
I can’t imagine anyone who values another person ever saying “shut up” to them. If I were on the receiving end of that comment, I’d weigh the value of the relationship and probably stay far, far away.
I’m involved in many activities and serve on a number of boards. Things often get heated, and one can’t choose who they are serving with. Often it’s with someone who simply doesn’t have manners or appropriate etiquette. In a circumstance in which I have no personal stake in the relationship, I’d simply ignore their rudeness and pursue the interest I believe is right. If it were someone I had a personal relationship with; however, I’d take one run at creating a fix, but would not tolerate the behavior beyond that attempt.
Once, shame on you….. twice, shame on me. If people don’t show you the respect you deserve, I’d advise you to walk away.
Joyce
Joyce, exactly right!! I think too often we ask for respect but we don’t demand it because if we do they might not like us or we might have to walk away from the relationship. But the minute we allow someone to disrespect us we have already lost the relationship, it is just going to die a long slow death.
I was with a friend of mine the other day and last time I saw her she was dating a guy she thought might be the one. I was surprised to hear they had split. She is the sweetest person I know, not a mean bone in her body, very giving and sensitive and forgiving but she knows her worth. She told me that 5 times he did something that set off alarm bells. They were “small” things, one of them was telling her to shut up. and when she mentioned to him that he had hurt her feelings his apology was “I am sorry but you cornered me.” She said, “Cornered??” She said that the relationship was great 95% of the time but the other 5% hurt her heart and she said she just could not be with someone who could hurt her that easily and not care.
Of course he tried to guilt her into not ending it but she stood firm but she asked me what I thought she should do and I congratulated her on her choice. It NEVER gets better, they are on their good behavior in the beginning, if there are any signs of angry issues or disrespect end it early and save yourself a bunch of heart ache.
I did not do that when I met my ex, I stayed for the 95% but by the end of the 10 years the good was 5% and the bad was 95%.
Never ever let anyone disrespect you, not once.
Ladywithatruck, you have summed this up perfectly. I’m printing it out and saving it. This was just what I needed to hear today.
HanaleiMoon, glad it helped. 🙂
I think it might be worth considering whether being told to ‘shut up’ is not a small thing. It is completely unacceptable ever. I don’t think it is ever necessary to say ‘shut up’ to anyone, and I think that if anyone ever said that to me ever, they would never see me again.
Not
I am I no expert by any means but this is my understanding of this verse :
God speaks with tenderness. He is asking “are you weak?” Then I will strengthen you. “Are you ready to fall?” I will uphold you with that right hand which is full of righteousness, dealing forth rewards and punishment .
There is not one fearful situation that you can get into that God is not aware of. He will protect you, even when there is hell around you.
1. Every aspect of your life is under the care of God.
2. Unhealthy fears come from the lack of answers.
3. Courage comes from knowing who God is and how much He cares for you.
Basically , “IF GOD BE FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US ?” GOD WILL UPHOLD YOU – AND ENABLE YOU TO BEAR YOUR TRIALS.
Believe me, throughout my ordeal there were many times I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. And I truly believe this incredible strength I got I received through my faith.
Thanks for this kaya48
As a child, I was raised in a church that was hellfire and damnation, that NOTHING was good enough for GOD. I think that’s my conflict, when my core childhood messages are similar to my current emotional assaults. Then I get emotional and angry and question why abuse and the abuser validated and my heartache is condemned as inconsequential.
I LOVE your 1-2-3. Esp 2. Lack of answers takes away fear. God speaks with tenderness not condemnation (GOD is not the one saying SHUT UP to me.)
Not
I totally understand what you are saying. And I still struggle at times with certain biblical passages. I joined a small group at my church (it’s a non denominational Christian church ) and I find some answers there.
I know that we often do not see how God works at the time being. Later or even much later we find out. And if we knew the outcome of every trial we endure, then we would not need faith.
Being married to an atheist for over 20 years was a daily struggle for me because he attacked my son and I everytime we mentioned God. My son and I decided to get baptized in 2012. At the dinner table my ex said “you two are so mental , why did you do that s*** for?” And he still attacks me in my faith , even after the divorce. Since he does not have my email or phone no , he just attched notes to my alimony check. I file then away. Don’t even look at them anymore, just evil, worthless jabber from the enemy. I don’t give the enemy the time of the day.