UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
My spath spent the weekend saying over email how broke he Is. To try to make me feel bad and help him. He apologized for his transgressions. Said he was not in love with his new supply and wanted to get our family back. Then today he called me fat miss piggy he hates me and I have ruined his life. And reputation. It is just so sick. I am reading as much as I can about sociopaths. . I just want to pray that each day it gets better. I can’t get over my family losses with him constantly blaming me. I did nothing to him. He said he hopes I am alone and miserable. That my karma was my mom and sister dying
It sounds like he’s doing the same awful things he’s been doing to you for awhile. It would be really good if you didn’t respond to him. Consider taking it a step further and not reading his emails. Do yo think you can you just delete without reading? Or try not opening them for 2-3 days, and then evaluate if you want to read them or if you feel strong enough to delete them then.
Are you seeing a counselor? What is his/her take on it?
Prayers for you to get free of this demon that’s ruining your life.
I have blocked his email. They go to spam and honestly I still check there. I have been on this site so I know I am the only one who has the power to take it away from him by NC. I don’t see a counsler anymore. After the death.of my mom I just have been busy. I also feel it is hard to find a good counsler. I have to try to find one.i just don’t feel anyone understands except for you guys. I will try to not open them. I should not still be feeling this. ..it has been since February
Good for you for blocking him! The next step is to delete the spam folder without looking at it.
Not many people understand. I didn’t have a clue before my spath experience.
You feel the way you feel now. You can change it and feel better. It takes work and it’s not easy. Something that helped me was the book Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott. It takes you through the process and there are exercises/assignments that you do. If you do what the book suggests, it will lead you to feeling better. You won’t want him back and you’ll want to move on.
Taralev
He actually resorted to calling you that after begging to return? He is clearly upset and it’s way to blow off his anger and you names
As hard as it is to ignore his messages and you do read them, maybe once you read them you can put in a file and try your absolute hardest not to answer..that way you haven’t stopped completely but the more you go without contact maybe you’ll feel less inclined to respond because he may slow down when he sees you are not responding to him…maybe that will work?
Ironic:
i have to agree with AnnettePK
maybe without reconciling you can forgive him so you can get past this?
anette
Thank you so much for your extensive knowledge of scripture. I am truly fascinated reading Gods words. The story of King David and Bathsheba is so applying:
“Often circumstances seem stacked against us, but if we keep our faith in God, we can find meaning in life, God makes sense when nothing else does.”
Taralev
Nothing nakes sense in your relationship with your ex. In my case I turned to God, read scriptures, prayed, small group, visiting church service, talking to fellow Christians, standing string in my faith, I overcame my trial. A neighbor made me such a great compliment . She said “you are becoming such a great disciple, it’s amazing what God has done in your life. Can you believe I even talked to my attorney about God. I was an “alien” being married to this non believer, I was not a part of Gods family. And look at my life now. All I can say is “I am truly blessed I was discarded”. I hope you can get out of this darkness this man keeps you in, you need light, hope and recovery. Don’t talk to him, don’t give him any of your time.
Taralev
Your ex only seeks relationships for his own purpose like sex. He will never change, he will only learn how to become better at manipulating unt he had run you up dry and then he will move to someone new. The reason he acts so mean is because he knows his time is up with you. He derives great pleasure from seeing you suffer. He has convinced you that you are a bad person, undeserving of any kind of love . He does it so he can discard you once again , make you feel worthless, all the while he already has plenty of new victims .
“They leave a wake of destruction in their paths full of broken hearts, broken promises and dreams, empty bank accounts , destroyed careers and families and lies that would make Lucifer proud. They are pure evil and you can actually catch it in their eyes occasionally. They should not be walking the Earth. I truly believe that the only thing they fear is being exposed as what they truly are. The best “revenge” you can get is to cut ALL strings and walk away. Period. No contact, no anything and watch them self destruct in their own anger because if there is one thing a narcicisst/ sociopath feels is ANGER AND NO LONGER HAVING CONTROL. Put all of your emotions to the side and just walk away period.
The above is what my attorney told me. It wAs the best advice he gave me.
Kaya-so.true about everything. The destruction of human life. I can still remember when my mom was in.the hospital he had tried to meet with me to talk . when I got there he proceeded to tell me he was not attracted to me. That he was going to put a order on me if I told his new girl he was seeing me. I was so upset already over my mom I couldn’t believe he was saying such mean things. The thing that I really remember is he was smiling. Laughing. I was hysterical crying I screamed st hin. why are you laughing. He just had.a evil smile
Oh Taralev
I am so sorry for you. Yes, the evil smile. My ex had that also. He would tell me to go to another room to cry because he could not stand seeing “my ugly, old face”. Don’t believe anything he says. Like I said, he gets pleasure out of your pain and sorrow. Please think rationally , not with your heart, why you would want to stay in contact with him?
And when I truly put all my emotions aside , looking at it as if it was a bad business deal, I was able to stay no contact. No contact was my lifesaver.
Taralev, the reason it is taking so long to heal is because you are still in contact with him so you can’t heal. Every time you read one of his emails, it is like being punched in the face. If only you could really cut him out of your life completely even for a week or two, you would start to feel different, safer, more peaceful. You cannot begin to heal until you can stop allowing him to retraumatize you. You need to ask yourself what you think you are going to get by reading his emails or taking his calls. Do you still think maybe he can change, maybe he is sincere? If so, you are still dropping back into denial. You are on a rollercoaster waiting to see what he’ll do. Once you get off the rollercoaster once and for all, you will finally start to feel better. It will hurt like hell – everything you lost that you invested your heart and soul into for years. But you will feel better.
It’s good that you are so angry. Your anger will keep you out of denial, though in the phases of recovery you can slip back and forth. Things you can do when you’re angry besides blogging here is to hit pillows, rip up phone books, throw things, get in your car and scream your head off in a remote place – these have all worked for me.
I had an old lover pop back into my life after disappearing 10 years ago, leaving me feeling used and abandoned. He popped in (by phone) because had been recently dumped by his gf and was in crisis. He called me out of the blue crying and in a lot of pain. Because he was my massage mentor and the person responsible for my massage career, I actually helped him through his crisis. Then I went NC. Just like that. No explanation. He still calls and emails me wondering what’s up. I just don’t respond. I don’t care to. I don’t even feel I owe him any explanation either. That is how you do it. You just get in touch with your anger and let it push you to get away from people who have, could, or would hurt you. You owe them nothing.
Stargazer-how long did it take you to be NC.? I have been struggling with this since February. .then my mom died in.July. thats when he started to get nice and make me feel like he cared. I know he is a monster but I feel so lost and alone without my mom. He insults me and my weight. .hes not.a skinny guy but he then says he needs to get his self.stable and wants to come home by the holidays.
I just don’t know how I will ever get past the hole I . feel in my heart. The betrayal I feel. I don’t know how you helped your ex then went no contact
Taralev,
I have gone NC with a number of people over the years, including the sociopath that drove me to this site in 2008 and including my own mother! It took only a moment to decide. All it took was the understanding that this person’s motives were harmful to me. Only you can decide that you would rather be alone than with a sociopath or other abusive type of person.
If you know he is bad for you but you stay with him because you feel it’s better than being alone and you need SOMEone, you might try a support group for Codependency – Codependents Anonymous might offer some support in this regard.
For me, I have a no-tolerance policy for abuse and disrespect. And I’ve gone NC on much lesser jerks than yours. OMG, the guy I just walked away from stirred up my neurochemistry to unbelievable places. I LOVED kissing and cuddling with him, having him tell me how beautiful I am, and how special. He never said an unkind word nor treated me badly. BUT….he is not ready for a serious relationship. He is out there playing the field. So guess what? NC! It sucks. I have been mostly celibate for the last 4 years. I CRAVE the company of a man like him. Truly. But the neurochemistry is like the child saying, “PLEASE can I have that arsenic-laced ice cream cone? Please?” I am the adult saying, “NO. It might taste good right now, but it will kill you later.” Sometimes, you just have to summon the will to take a stand for yourself and say “Enough is enough. I deserve better.” You cut ties and move on. I’ve become pretty good at this over the years. I long for the day when I meet someone I don’t have to do this with.
So I want to ask you, Taralev, who is in charge of your life and your happiness? You? Or him?
I love the analogy of the arsenic laced ice cream cone!
Jabedoe
I also agree with Annette. I won’t be going back to him but I need to forgive to move on.
He has put me down into such a hole of insecurity I think I feel like I will never be able to find anyone. .I have had boyfriends he was my longest relationship and he asked my dad to marry me. This morning he emailed me–I did not reply.
But he said–I gave you many chances to change. Change WHAT?!! I didn’t ever cheat or lie I don’t understand why he says that. I just am so hurt all I should be doing is thinking of my mom
taralav
I was a complete mess during the dump and discard phase. Restful sleep was impossible. Nightmares about HIM were the reason I tried not to sleep. I just wanted escape from the pain and the pain was unceasing.
I had to take some help. Under the care of my therapist, I began taking antianxiety meds and took them for a couple of years.
tara… you are NOT thinking rationally. Your brain needs help to reset it. You have suffered TERRIBLE traumatic assaults. Please see a doctor and ask for help. It won’t make the pain go away, but it will calm you so you can stop the intensity of the nightmares, get some restful sleep, and start to think about taking care of yourself.
We all give you advice and you won’t follow or listen. That’s not unusual.
I believe it is because your brain, your body chemistry is stuck in trauma mode (shock) and the only way to intervene is to get medical help, and begin a prescription of anti-anxiety, and maybe anti depressant as well.
I hope this is one advice that you will follow. It made ALL the difference for me.
With concern and care for you.
Not
This is excellent advice you are giving to taraslev. As you I was stuck in that stage also, but only for a few months. I think Taralev has been going back and forth since February (?). That’s slmost 8 months. I did not listen to anyone’s advice for this few months untily ex tried to get that injunction. It really opened my eyes about how far he would go to have me in jail or a mental place. I know Taralev’s ex has put an injunction against her before. I think she really needs a therapists help.
I also got done medication for court appearances and stuff. Just the thought that I had this available to take was sometimes enough for me. And towards the end I was ok just on s good night of sleep.
Taralev , I truly hope you will take our advice here and follow it. Nothing good will come out if you keep in contact with him. Take whatever strength you have left and show him that you are in control from now on by not seeing or talking to him. It wAs extremely difficult for me but the outcome was worth every minute of no contact. Taralev, you probably think that he will change and so on. He won’t and just for the evil things he has done to you he deserves for you to never look at him again.
Can you believe it has been this long. 8 months he has been doing it. In the meantime my mom died. He emailed me today and said I slander him to everyone. I don’t slander. .When people ask me what happened I tell the truth. Kaya– I am so deeply hurt..I think it is why I can’t get away. I just can’t believe that he says he loves me when my mom dies..and just wants to keep hurting me. I am scared of being alone. .with my.mom dead it is even harder. The amount of lies and deciet is unreal. I relive every day when I think about all the lies he got away with
taralav
No matter how much we support you, validate you, encourage you, listen to you…
You can’t hear us.
You are not processing information.
PLEASE seek medical help. Your brain is STUCK in trauma mode.
I understand you when you share that you are afraid to be alone. It’s natural, but not logical. I hung on to my ex P and worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my house, that I’d been taking care of alone for a decade before I met him! My friends and family kept telling me to get someone else to do maintenance on my house and I kept hiring the ex do the work for a year after he left. It makes no sense to me now, but I understand how I felt at the time. It’s natural for us to think we can’t make it alone, but you are able to. It is likely that he is subtly saying and doing things to make you feel that way.
The truth is, you are already alone and you are getting by. You are probably more alone than you will be once you stop having interactions with your ex.
Be careful not to let another disordered person into your life because you fear being alone. It’s ok to be afraid, but know that you can do it – you can take care of yourself and solve your problems without your ex.
Taralav, my ex only said to me once that I was making him look like an asshole by talking to people about our relationship.
I said to him,” If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”
He never accused me of that again.
But then I stayed; so who do I blame for my hurt? Really I can only blame myself because I kept listening to his crap and kept trying to make him see how the things he did and said hurt me.
It is a trait I have, I do it with many things and in some cases it is an admirable trait; I don’t give up. If I have a problem I will research it, try everything to find a solution, I am nothing if not determined. It is hard to walk away because it is a failure, I failed to accomplish what I set out to do. I don’t want to admit I couldn’t fix it. Whatever “it” is.
I was so determined to figure out how to be the woman he wanted that I totally ignored the fact that he was nothing like the type of man I wanted in my life.
I am sorry you lost your mother, that is painful enough, why do you keep torturing yourself by subjecting yourself to his lack of love and caring? It is better to be abused than be alone? It is safer to stay with the abuse than take the chance you could find happiness without him? You WERE a victim, when you didn’t know better, it was out of your control. But now, you choose to stay and continue to be abused. It is within your power to be happy, to find love (not just from a man, but from friends, strangers who will become friends, from family).
I am 4 years out now, not even 1/2 the amount of time I wasted trying to fix the unfixable. My ex has a blog where he slanders me still. You can’t fix stupid.
BUT I also just got back from a weekend road trip with my 30 year old son and my dog. I can not express how wonderful it was to sit in my son’s truck for 5 1/2 hours each way, him and I just talking about everything. I have never laughed so hard, we cried a bit, we hugged a lot. We went to my dad’s celebration of life and I saw family I haven’t seen in a dozen years, I spent time with my grand daughter. The only thought of my ex that I had was a deep gratitude that he was not in my life to ruin it. If I would have been with him he would have found a way to prevent me from going, or started a fight with me or my son before we went so we would be upset when we left. I would have been worried about what he was doing while I was gone. I would have been worried whether I called enough and he would make sure that if I did call he would not answer or say something hurtful. I would have been sick in the stomach on the way home, unsure of what I would come home to. I am SO Fricken thankful I came home to my little cabin, that was as clean as I left it. No one sitting there with an attitude. My son didn’t have to come to my defense or worry about what would happen after he left me.
Please DO NOT waste another day of your precious life concerning yourself with this loser who is bringing you down. Like the saying goes, “It’s impossible to soar like an eagle when your flying with seagulls.” (or something like that)
Take your life back, take control of your happiness, make your momma proud. Hugs Carrie
Carrie
I know this is not the ideal situation but your story about the person you are and the lengths you go to to try and fix things is my story as well and I find it quite liberating to know I’m not alone ♥
Thank you Carrie-I am just going to read posts and try to drill it in. How did you get past the pain. I have the hardest time with the feeling of betrayal. I know my mom would be upset with me
Taralav, I just kept talking to myself. Every time a negative thought would enter my mind I would force myself to think of something else. Like if I pictured him being sweet and loving to her and started to think she was getting all the things I wanted and he refused to give me. I would change the picture in my head and envision her sitting at home waiting for him trying to call him and him not answering. Or if I started to take the blame I would think of all the shitty things he did and try to think of things I could have done differently and there was nothing! Or I would think about normal healthy couples I knew and admit that no woman I know would have tolerated what I did.
The betrayal? that is a big one. and I kept discovering more and more the longer we were apart it seemed the more betrayal surfaced and it hurt but it wasn’t surprising, the betrayal made it easier for me to stay away from him because I value honesty more than anything. I would have left any time he asked but he begged me to stay with him so in my mind that absolved me of any blame in the relationship failing. You can’t be blamed for the demise of a relationship based on lies.
kaya48
You are right, Tara needs a therapists help. She needs both. A good therapist would recommend she seek medical help. But tara’s brain in not processing. She is not seeking help at all. This is heartbreaking. I was in that position. Completely isolated and no one to care enough about me to get me to a doctor. The difference is, we do care enough but words aren’t enough. Tara needs a physical person to take her to the doctor. She is in crisis and I am very very concerned for her survival.
Not what- before my mom died a month ago I was seeing a counsler. I got medicine and I saw her once a week. I have not been able to go back between work and handling things of my moms. My sister died 2years ago..my brother doesn’t help much so its been just me clearing her things out
taralav! It is essential to your well being that you get back to your counselor immediately. One hour a week will not impact your work or handling things of your mom’s, and in fact will help you to handle those better. You need it more than ever since losing your mom! Please take care of yourself and schedule an appointment to get in immediately.
Hi Sweet T, I’m chiming in too: what they said. 🙂
You deserve to feel better, and don’t be worried this will make him “let go.” It won’t. Instead, on the other side you won’t care.
When you are ready, cross over — meanwhile we’ve seen the view from both sides and will strongly emphasize that it’s way better over here than the swamp we all fell into. However, we’ve had to resist it ourselves, even though we can see those slugs and leeches down there, just as well as you could if you met my ex! I’m sorry to say that a few years ago, nothing you said would have convinced me of what was going on, even though I was practically wearing a flashing neon sign reading Victim! 🙂 I’m sure you’re a nice enough person to have politely pointed it out in case I didn’t know — but I had a form of blindness at the time, right? seeing through the eyes of love.
So you’re OK — don’t push yourself — just respect yourself and in that way you are honoring your mother at the same time. Take baby steps and don’t worry if you fall down some. So long as you’re headed in the general direction overall, that’s what counts and you’ll be okay.
btw, it’s not that I have had no relationship with my mother since her death 40 years ago — rather, it’s been a new relationship and she’s continued to have a profound effect on my life. For me, the “getting over” part was a myth so I had to find a new way to relate to her, as a presence that doesn’t speak but can nevertheless be heard.
Just now, any way you feel about your Mom’s death and your relationship with the spath and his family members is the right way to feel. There is no Right Way to face such an enormous challenge and go on to live a productive, happy life. After all the words are said, only one of us has been deemed equal to it — the very precious, uniquely designed You! — so I know you will eventually find a way.