UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hello kaya48
I am so sad to think I hurt you about the saying.
I just wanted to note that many sayings are untrue and make us feel bad about ourselves.
I do think it’s satan who gives us more than we can handle, but with GOD, we can get through it. (I think this forum is one of God’s blessings)I like how you said God was with you when darkness tried to take over… God guided you to the light. That is so true and encouraging.
There is another saying that is untrue. “It takes two to tango”. That’s saying we are equally responsible for the quality of our relationships with a sociopath. I got to the point of replying, “It may take two to tango but it only takes one to destroy a marriage”.
You are so right about what you said. I am not sad at all and appreciate your comments very much. I agree about Satan doing this to us.
A very interesting aspect in my nightmare was that my soon to be ex was an atheist. Even though he was very abusive (not physically) I tolerated his crap. After my son and I were baptized in 2012 and accepted The Lord, things turned for the worse. I truly believe that we became too strong and he had to leave.
And I do hate the saying “it takes two to tango ” also. It is so wrong. It only took one to destroy this 20 years marriage. And that was him and him only.
Yes, god gave me a lot to handle at times but it made me stronger. I handled things on my own that I thought I was never capable of. I know I had the help of my attorney for the legal aspect but emotionally I grew so much more independent and strong.
I still think god led me to this website. Without this I would have never enforced the no contact.
Yes, the no contact was amazing. At first it seemed counterintuitive, that I was letting him prevail, allowing whatever he said to be pronounced over me.
But then I found out that no contact was so empowering. Without my emotions to feed off, it made him uncertain and deprived him of his “wins”. And the break from constant bombs gave my mind and emotions a break, and with those breaks, my mind started working again.
No Contact is HARD, esp at first when I WANTED to be WRONG. I never wanted to be right that he was that evil. But… the truth was, He IS a Sociopath. Knowing the TRUTH set ME FREE.
And yes, God was with me, even when I was alone. I think of the Footprints poem, that was about me. Even when we think we are not making progress, we are. I can see that as I reflect back over my journey.
I responded because a part of me did not want to believe he was really like that. But he is and he definitely confirmed it by the words that spilled out of his mouth against me.
Tamikay,
How long ago did he discard you ? It might sound harsh what people advise you to do here but they are so right. Believe me. After I was discarded (20 years married) I once went fishing with my soon to be ex. Don’t ask me why I did this. This was way before I initiated the no contact. Anyhow for 4 hours I was sitting on the beach crying because he was throwing insults at me and put me down, blamed and accused. And guess what , I asked for it because I went there.
You have to stop any contact with him if you want to get past this pain. As long as he can push buttons which provides enjoyment for him, you will go a step backwards. Don’t let him destroy you. I was exactly where you have been. I changed my email and phone no and I said “no more of the crazy making” because I am the sand person and he is the crazy one.
Tamikay,
How long ago did he discard you ? It might sound harsh what people advise you to do here but they are so right. Believe me. After I was discarded (20 years married) I once went fishing with my soon to be ex. Don’t ask me why I did this. This was way before I initiated the no contact. Anyhow for 4 hours I was sitting on the beach crying because he was throwing insults at me and put me down, blamed and accused. And guess what , I asked for it because I went there.
You have to stop any contact with him if you want to get past this pain. As long as he can push buttons which provides enjoyment for him, you will go a step backwards. Don’t let him destroy you. I was exactly where you have been. I changed my email and phone no and I said “no more of the crazy making” because I am the sane person and he is the crazy one.
May 8th is when I found out about the other woman that he had been and was seeing up until that day. That’s when he told me it was over because I was not fulfilling his needs. And then the email, he pushed buttons, and it hurt. I went backwards and I’m upset with the fact that I did it, I let him hurt me again. He just knew exactly what to say to get me to respond.
Tamikaye
May 08th is not long ago. I remember when I was first discarded. I begged him to come back home. I cried and cried and I did not know how to go on. Nothing made sense anymore. I went to work every day on a few hours if sleep, functioning like a robot. I called him, texted him, emailed him. The only answers I got was “I left because of you”. I actually believed it and I questioned what is wrong with me. I believed I was not skinny enough, smart enough, sexy enough and so on. I went through hell while he was having the time if his life, going to the beach with her, taking her out for dinner, making her lavish gifts , drinking champagne on a Caribbean cruise. Think about , he left because of me, and just went on to have a good time.
For someone to get up and leave his family, his marital home, his life, is just not love to me. It’s deceitful and plain wrong. I finally realized that I don’t want a person who is capable of hurting me and our only child in this way. I am worth so much more. It took me about 3 months. But when you truly recognize their behavior which will never make sense, then you can put a stop to it and go on. It took talking to an attorney for me to finally find the strength to file for divorce. I not once regret this decision. It was a nightmare divorcing a narcissist but nothing compared to enduring his lies and betrayals. That little co worker will one day see him without his mask on and see his evilness. It took me 20 years. I hope for her sake she will see it earlier. My son and I recovered, we are going on with our life. There is no room for the devil and that is why we cut of all contact with him.
Trust me, you will realize it soon that no contact is the only solution at this time of your life.
I’ve realized it after he cut me down so badly yesterday. It is very hard because you just wish that they really mean it when they say “I f*d up, I realize I need you etc.” But then they return with how happy they are without you, pathetic. Things that you would never say to someone that you loved. I have cried and cried because he has made it about me. I didn’t show enough affection, I made him feel insignificant, etc. He says he was lonely and this girl made him feel important and because he was weak he “ran with it.” I understand that being away from each other is hard, we had just seen each other two weeks before he ran with it. But because I loved him, I turned to God when I was lonely and supportive friends, not someone else. And then to have all of it turned around on me, hard. I am learning from every one here that it just the way it is and he is classic narcissist. He even lied to his own children all their life so why would I expect anything different. I wanted to leave off and on through out the years, but it was such a co-dependent relationship, I didn’t want to be without him. We merged our families, his two kids adore me and I them. My boys loved him greatly, so this has hurt everyone because of his selfishness. His kids ironically still want me in their lives. By law we were recognized as common law married, but I do not want to go through a divorce, my attorney said it wasn’t worth it, because he has nothing. He lives with his parents now, doesn’t have to work, trying to get on disability, says he is going back to school etc. Just lies
It has been painful because your life is turned upside down and what you thought reality was-isn’t
Tamikay
It’s ok. I think we all went backwards during our “recovery process “. It literally took drastic measures for me to enforce the no contact. After I confronted the little co worker/deputy I was served with a restraining order. Him being a cop made it so easy. After the court hearing when it was dismissed because it was all based on lies , I sat down, took a deep breath and promised myself I would never talk to him again as long as I am alive. His own son had to testify against him in court stating that he was unstable and made all this crap up. But you see what they are capable of. I want you to be careful. I spent thousands of dollars on my attorney just to get this dismissed .
Please don’t see him again. You are asking for pain and abuse.
He will never acknowledge what he is doing to you. Quit him, cold turkey. You are on my prayers.
kaya, isn’t it amazing that there are no consequences for them but if we do anything, there are, and usually out of proportion? He paid for both our cell phones and it stayed this way for many months after the discard. I didn’t want to rock the boat, since I didn’t have money for that. His daughter had been calling me regularly, and one day he casually mentioned to her that he was aware that we had been talking and asked for details. She let me know this and it was then that I realized why he had been so “nice” in wanting to take over the cell phone bill…he had been monitoring my usage. That was the end of that, and when I stopped all contact with his family. I stopped using the phone that day and got myself a new one and a short time later I got a text from him on the old phone saying he had noticed I wasn’t using my phone so was going to have it terminated, if that was ok with me. Whatever.
Tamikay, kaya is right, we have all had slips with NC, and I am here to tell you that had I been strong early on in the relationship during what I now see as the mini-discards, I would have mitigated the suffering and loss. I would have still been on track in my life. I would still have a home, a good job and money in the bank. I would be wounded, but not skinned alive. Please, please don’t see him again – it will only lead to more pain.
I am not and I won’t. I know that I know somehow that he will just hurt me more. A part of you just hopes that he really isn’t that way at all, but he proved to me he was. When it is not so painful, I will go back and recognize that his emails were superficial and meaningless.
how funny. the narc wanted me on his plan too but i KNEW wenever we fought, he’d turn off my phn INSTANTLY. ur spath was good enough to ask if it was ok. i would have woke up NEXT TO HIM in the morning or been out for the day AND NOT HAD PHN SERVICE suddenly.
he was GOD.
no way was I losing my phn over his childish tantrums.
if i would had had a car with him, he would have had it repossessed immediately if i disobeyed him. if i would have had a joint account he would have drawn out all the money whenever we fought (can you imagine the disaster this would cause with our bills??). he would TURN OFF THE WATER HEATER and the FURNACE wen i was bad. i have a condition so that i am cold almost the entire year. i dont make heat well. he didnt care. i was “just whining.” i “wasnt rly cold.” mind you, this was even while he sat under blankets with a sweatshirt and slippers on becuz it was so cold in the house.
he wanted a joint acct with me and me just put my checks in there and he pay all the bills. like any other woman had done with him…yeah right.
i was dumb yeah to fall for his stupid shyt. but i wasn’t crazy lol
Hanalei
How interesting. They sound so much the same. I cut of all contact with his family also. No need for that. Would only create more ways for him to torture us. They live 1600 miles away so I don’t have to talk or see them. What these sociopaths don’t realize it that these actions destroy everything. Not just a marriage. It affects family, children, friends, co workers , bosses,neighbors and so on. We never had any mutual friends and at his work I was the “mystery wife that never existed”. So no loss there. I don’t know how he talks about his only child. He probably makes up lies because he would never tell that the son wants nothing to do with him. That would make him look like a loser, like a bad father , like a coward. Which is all true.
I hope tamikaye will be strong and stay away from him. They hate it when they lose control. Now after court proceedings or even during my soon to be ex lost all control over me. I really , truly followed my attorneys advice to not engage in any talk. The ex would twist it around and use it in court against me. What it really surprised me is that it did not matter one second that he is a law enforcement officer. He always wanted to use this as an excuse. In court it does not matter if he is a retired first sergeant us army and a police officer. He was just a bad husband and liar and that’s how they looked at him.
I am so glad for you that you moved on. Doesn’t it feel great not having to try to believe the crap they tell us? For me it’s freeing and serene. Now I know what happiness is. I could never see it with him in my life. I am sad sometimes that I wasted those 20 years but I learned from them, I live in a beautiful place by the ocean, I have my wonderful son. So those good things were worth the 20 years. Thanks Hanalei for still giving me hope and strength.
Tami, you must still be in denial and shock, 8 May is just the other week! Thanks for your honesty by telling us you got sucked in…..it may have been difficult for you to tell as we were advising you otherwise….your friends at LoveFraud just wanted to spare you being the psychopath’s plaything – think of him as a cat playing and torturing the mouse before it is killed. Most of us have been sucked back in and spat out again and we knew what was going to happen if you fell for his manipulative words. But don’t beat yourself up. He has had many years of practice at conning victims. We’ve all been there on LoveFraud with being sucked in again and you hadn’t (until now!) and you wanted to believe him. Who doesn’t want love? Just don’t love a psychopath Tami. It may take several times of him sh*tting all over you from a great height for you to realise what he is doing. That’s happened to many of us too. Just when you think he has reached his arseh*le limit, he stretches it further and takes it to a new dimension!
Donna has a section on book reviews. Have a read and buy some. Read Donna’s books as well as Joyce Short’s carnal abuse by deceit book, also Without Conscience and Snakes in Suits to start with. Another good website to read is Psychopathy Awareness by Claudia Moscovici who writes so eloquently in her postings of the different traits of a psychopath – it makes great reading at bedtime and be sure to read all the topics she posted.
I just wish I had this knowledge during my encounter with a psychopath. Reading will help your recovery and you will suddenly realise you were a victim of a disordered person – that is when you will really recover and one day it won’t hurt anymore. It will just repulse you and the sooner you read and learn the sooner that day will arrive.
How are you today Tami and what are your plans for the weekend? Fit some time in to get this pain out of your system even if it means crying your eyes out tonight then feel more fresh tomorrow. Even write a letter to him but don’t post it. Remember this guy is disordered so his behaviour was predictable and guaranteed – how else could your friends at LoveFraud tell you in advance what would happen if you fell for his manipulative words?
I hope there isn’t a next time but if so, you can easily ignore him.
Let us know how you are doing over the weekend.
Thank You so much Bally. I have been crying my eyes out. My friend has a boat and we are taking it out over the weekend here in Hilton Head. He has gathered a bunch of my friends and wants to just have fun. He and his wife were friends of ours but they told me he was psycho before I knew it. The reading will help.
No I have learned my lesson, I got stung and it hurt. So because it hurt, I won’t be putting myself through that anymore. He will attempt contact again, for some reason I know this in my gut, may not be tomorrow or next week, but he will. I don’t know why I feel that way, maybe because we haven’t gone longer than a day without communication previously? I don’t know, I just know that until I get stronger, I will not be checking email as frequently. I may even go through the hassle of changing it. Thank you so much for your support.
Bally
Very nice written. I did read some of the books you mentioned and found them very helpful. At night when I wanted to call him so badly I reached for one of those books instead.
Yes, we all messed up and got sucked into their craziness. May 08 is not long ago. It will take time. I used to beat myself up also when I broke the no contact but at one point it becomes real easy to do.
I had to actually laugh about the entire nightmare today. I received a pharmacy statement showing he is still purchasing Viagra. How pathetic. A 45 year old man with a 20 something girlfriend needs to purchase Viagra. 🙂
kaya48…hahaha, I love that one!! That is pathetic!! 🙂
Viagra! It was the same here. He wanted sex twice a day EVERY day (but toward the end it was basically me servicing him) and he was quite a pill (get it, joke) if he didn’t get it. After one of the mini discards when he let me back into his life, I found Viagra in his little traveling case that he got during that time. Ugh. As far as I saw, he didn’t need it (he could manage twice a day after all) but evidently he had a little honey he really wanted to impress. Pathetic is right.
HanaleiMoon…but he did need it…that is HOW he was able to do it twice a day, every day! They are all pathetic!! Thank you for your continued postings here. They help me a lot.
Tamikaye
Good that you recognize now that he was an illusion. They don’t care who they hurt, wifes, girlfriends, children. Because we are just “extensions” of them. That’s all. Objects that can disposed of, when a more interesting, fresher objects comes along. Just think that you now are free of his lies.
Thinking back I cannot believe that I listened to his crap. These out of the world excuses. I mean it am a 48 year old , I would think smart woman and I truly, honestly believed his lies.
You will be ok. I promise you that. It’s hard, it’s painful and makes no sense. But you will get through it and one day give someone advice here on lovefraud. Good luck and take care of yourself on the weekend. If you can change your email address and block him on your phone.
Thank you everyone. Kaya, I am 46 soon to be 47. You would think I would know better. And I had to lol with the Viagra, mine had just gotten a script for that before he found he younger one. He told me “oh, I want to try it for us”‘, right. I will also write a letter then burn it with his cards, letters, and other stuff of his this weekend. I hear that is helpful 🙂 And you are right kaya, because he spent all of his life lying to his own children, I mean serious stuff like he was a Ranger, so he expected his son to be one. He was shot in covert missions and even went through the sequence of how they went into a building. OMG, I found out from his son that none of this happened and when his son found out his dad was telling everyone these lies again, he quit contact. His son is actually in the Army and stationed in Afghanistan now, but he said I have watched the real men and women die, my friends, and you have no respect for me or what I do. He was pretty upset. I actually believed my ex’s excuses of why he did it. He was so real with the tears, and his sad pathetic stories about his abandonment as a child etc. I felt sorry for him.
He is blocked on my phone and I am calling Comcast today to see if I can change email.
Everyone here have a great weekend!
Just a comment on the Viagra thing. In my opinion and I could be wrong, but “real” men who are only in their 40s should not need Viagra or Cialis. Mine did, too and he was in his early 40s! This tells me that they all have some twisted sexual issues…I know mine did. I know the first night we were ever together he used it…there is no doubt and it’s because he wanted to impress me. After that, it went downhill fast and it was in part due to alcohol. I understand that some men do have legitimate sexual problems in their 40s, but doesn’t it seem funny that we all are saying these men we were with needed it?? They are messed up totally and when I say totally, I mean even sexually. What are the thoughts on this?
I know mine definitely had twisted sexual issues. The books I have read talk about this as well and it seems it ties into their getting bored so fast. Which might explain always upping the ante and wanting more, weirder stuff and multiple partners. One time he got up and walked out of the room during a sex scene in a movie and I paused the movie until he came back. He said he couldn’t watch it, because everyone, everywhere was having sex and he wasn’t. I looked at him like he was nuts and said – you get it twice a day wth? He said, not like that I mean “REAL” sex. (At this time, all he wanted from me was to service him.) I said, well that’s not my fault, you dictate what we do. Much, much later I realized that it was just another manipulation, he was getting plenty from other women.
I don’t think mine was taking it with me, at least not all the time over 7 years. I never saw it except once or twice and it always coincided with a mini-discard when for sure he was trying to impress a younger woman with his prowess. One of the women at his work told me that his lack of prowess had been widely discussed by the women he had dumped and was quite a joke at the office. I actually felt sorry for him for a minute and then got a really good laugh.
Is anyone watching the Tori Spelling show True Tori? About her husband cheating on her? It’s totally tabloid but engrossing. I think that jerk is a sociopath and want her to get away from him so badly! She comes across as totally addicted to him. Some of the stuff he says makes me sick.
HanaleiMoon…they are very sexually perverted. Mine was. He tried things with me that no one had ever tried before. That is absolutely right…they get bored very easily and are always pushing the envelope to see what the next best thing is…thrill seekers. Mine actually told me he was a thrill seeker. That is soooooo weird that he walked out on the sex scene and that he said that he wasn’t getting it…wow. And then he said not “real” sex? That was a manipulation for sure because it didn’t make sense and now we know after looking back that when something doesn’t make sense, it’s a manipulation or a con.
It’s so coincidental that you said the women in the office talked about his lack of prowess. I don’t know if the women at my spath’s office really talked…I never really heard anything, but he was pretty awful in bed. He was very mechanical and it was very obvious that he didn’t care about me or my feelings at all. He didn’t do anything AT ALL to make me feel good and he was done very quickly. It was all for him. It really was a contradiction to his charm, good looks and playful nature. You would think he would have been excellent in bed, but not at all. It made me realize to never judge a book by its cover. I think a lesson here could be that good looking men think they don’t have to try…they can rely on their charm and good looks. I think men who are not so good looking are usually (not always) the better ones in bed. I had to also wonder this about women. I wonder if the ones who are so beautiful and flirty are actually not that great in bed? But the pretty, but quiet ones who get looked over have way more to offer.
I am not watching the Tori show, but others on here have talked about it. I can only imagine how sickening it is.
fat or “bbw” females are known to be GREAT in bed, cuz theyre known try harder. the man will walk away if they are not fantastic — and usually subservient in other aspects of the relationship too. very sad.
these women are often fat becuz they are always used and they know it.
fat guys stand very little chance with women.
ive heard also ALOT that beautiful women are usually not that good sexually either, beyond the flirting and teasing.
most men want a normal looking woman for those reason.
now a spath? god knows what they are seeking at the moment. i bet it changes from day to day!
altho the narc i was with, i saw pics of his exes. and WOW i was like in the twilight zone…they all looked very similar to ME, but older. i was the youngest female he’d ever dated or married.
then i saw his current gf—yep, like me, just older lol
so HE definitely has a “type” ~shrug~
SER, it was a total manipulation, and it took me quite awhile to figure this out. At the time, he had stopped wanting to have intercourse (“real sex” to him) with me. He was getting other things from me the two times a day. I questioned him about his comment and he sighed very heavily and said, well, you can’t have intercourse anymore. I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about and he said, remember last time? You couldn’t breathe and that wasn’t exciting for me. I did remember that time, and he had put his entire weight on me (250 pounds of muscle) and almost crushed me…I was actually afraid I was going to pass out. He had never done that before. It took a long time of thinking about this and it finally dawned on me that he had done that intentionally so he had a reason to use, and place the blame on me. I didn’t know at the time, but looking back, I’m sure he was heavily involved with other women at the time and was saving himself for them.
I probably still don’t even realize half the crap he pulled on me.
HanaleiMoon…may I just say…that is personally another huge turn off to me…250 pound men putting all their weight on me!! I hate that. I know the majority of women love tall, big men, but not me. 180 lbs tops for me. I was in a long, long term relationship with someone who is actually much bigger than I like and the first time I was with spath, it felt foreign because he was so much smaller. I liked it much better though. None of that matters now though since I have been celibate for over four years and plan on continuing to be celibate.
aint…I have heard the same thing about beautiful women not being good in bed…that is why I threw that out there. They just rely on their good looks and flirt, but when it comes to the real thing, they don’t even know what to do. Too sad really. I have a friend like that. She is very beautiful and flirty and our whole lives, no matter where she went, guys would just go nuts over her, but when we talk, she eludes to the fact that she doesn’t think she is good in bed, etc. I am the opposite. I am actually pretty good looking, but in a very different way and it seems that only certain guys notice me…I am definitely not everyone’s type so I get overlooked a lot…plus I am pretty quiet so I am not flirty AT ALL and I don’t put myself out there saying look at me, look at me. But I know I have the skills in bed, but don’t even get asked out a lot. This world is so funny!!! OK…sorry, I think I just said too much…haha!! I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday weekend.
HanaleiMoon…I was going through stations last evening and the Tori show was on so I stopped and watched it for a few minutes. It just happened to be the show you were talking about (since they repeat a lot) regarding Dean being mad because she wasn’t “intimate” with him the night before he left. OMG. I am being judgmental I guess, but to me, he is fat and I cannot stand tattoos. I seem to be the only one on the planet who doesn’t like them, but they are an INSTANT turn off for me and when I say instant, I mean instant. YUK, YUK and double yuk. That is just not me. I am not in that world of tattoos and drugs, etc. Blech!!!!! Anyway, it just makes me absolutely sick when I see women being used and abused by men like him. It’s absolutely awful and is the work of the devil. She has her own issues, too unfortunately, but she doesn’t deserve that…no one does. I am just sad that she had all those children with him…WHY???? I don’t get that, but again, not my life. I think it was Aint who also mentioned that both of them cheated on their spouses to be with each other and look what they got. There is truth in that…you cannot start a relationship or marriage with a foundation like that. I hate to say it, but I think they are proof of what happens when you do. It’s very tragic.
From what I’ve read and my own experience, all P’s are perverted sexually, in addition to ethically, morally, spiritually, etc. My ex P was a cross dresser, porn addict, pedophile, that I know of, and there could be more stuff I wasn’t aware of. I suspect he was gay, or bi; and married his wives for a cover.
AnnettePK…I agree. They are just plain perverted. Mine also had some type of tic. It sounds by me explaining him that he is some ugly, awful thing, but that was the problem. He was in an adorable package and it was all fantastic until he was unwrapped. He knows it. He knows he is disordered. I think that is why he is an alcoholic…he self medicates.
I have a friend who just got out of a very long term marriage because her husband is gay. He definitely only used her as a cover and wasted 25 years of her life.
gayhusbands.com links to a support group and newsletter and other info that is very helpful to me, if your friend is interested.
AnnettePK…so ironic you posted this. That is the group she was heavily involved with. She even traveled 4,000 miles to go to one of the events. It helped her a lot. Actually, when she suspected he was gay, she started Googling stuff and this is the site to which she was led. She is already divorced and recovered. She had already mourned the marriage for 15 years so by the time she divorced him, she no longer loved him at all and was pretty much over it. She’s only been divorced about six weeks. There is more I can say about the situation, but I would be afraid someone would see this and figure it out, including her.
I found them via Google, also; and helped me so much. Bonnie Kaye, the founder, is very compassionate and giving. I am so glad to hear your friend is doing so well. I’m getting there, I hope.