UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TAralev
I am so sorry for your pain. I can really understand how you feel. Remember I was begging my chesting ex to come back home. I was not thinking straight. I was living a “fantasy “. What would you gain if he was coming back to you ? Would he be a different person ? No, he would still manipulate and deceive and betray you. You have to put an end to it. Do you know how satisfying it feels to me that he can’t get any reaction out of me anylonger. It feels like a victory. I was able to go in coury holding my head up high and not even glance at him. Before I would have broke down and cried. The spell is gone. And now I am totally in control. If he does not sign necessary paperwork I have my lawyer contact him. I will not subject myself to his insults anymore. And I wish for you that you can be in the same place as me. We have to be gladiators to overcome these evil monsters. You cannot stay with him or be friends. He will always push your buttons and make you cry. There are million of men and there is that special someone who treat you right. I am ok on my own. I know you have children. Don’t get emotional support from that guy, he will feed on your weaknesses and that the enemy’s work and doing. Don’t subject yourself to it. Believe me I have been there and got out of it. I think you can do the same.
Not
You said it so correctly . The fear of being alone. I think that’s exactly why I stayed in that 20 plus years marriage. Now I realize that “being alone ” is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very freeing and fulfilling . I think Taralev is already alone, you are right. I was alone for most ofy marriage. He was not there for nd emotionally and physically.
I was thinking that the fact that Taralevs ex went to the extreme to get an injunction against her. I think this would be reason enough to never contact him again. With that he made it pretty clear that he wants her to stay away from him. A person who is using the court system for that out of vengeance is not worthy to be talked to ever again.
kaya48
I didn’t write of a fear of being alone. I did say I was isolated. My ex did that to me. He moved us into the country, on a dead end road, with his family on either side of our property. It was his hometown, I was a stranger. He co-opted the few friends there that I had made, they allied to him. There was no one to care or to see what he was doing to me.
I am fine with being alone. I was raised on a farm in the middle of nowhere, with siblings that were bizarre. So I did not have real playmates except at school. I was not allowed friends when I was growing up. But I was allowed books and I discovered music. I learned to cope with being by myself. I am very capable with self care. The only time I was not, was during life with a sociopath. We all know how crazy that is.
I am reading tara’s words. THREE major traumas, one every year, and not recovered from any of them. She is not getting help for herself. She has regressed. She is in circular thinking and is not asking any new questions. These are all symptoms of severe depression, the kind that comes from brain chemistry. It won’t go away with words or sharing on LF. She needs medical help and therapy help. Unless tara gets help, she is in life threatening trouble. Tara is more than alone, she is lost.
Dear Tara,
This will not go away. You MUST seek help. Please call that therapist. Please get back on your prescription. Your life depends on it.
Not, I agree with your assessment of tara’s situation. I have noticed a pattern of her coming here to share, then disappearing for awhile, then coming back to report his latest antics, then disappearing for awhile, etc. It appears to me that each time she disappears, it is because she has let her ex back into her life and she is occupied with that, until he sends her over the edge, then she comes back here to vent. This cycle has gone on for awhile, and it is so harmful to her.
I’m not being judgmental, I recognize and empathize with the early need to talk about it over and over and over”because I was there. I went through this phase quickly, maybe 3 or 4 weeks before I realized that I felt SO much better having no contact with him and talking about it ad infinitum solved nothing and kept me in such a state of stress that I couldn’t think straight. I went cold turkey from the talking, and the few times I was sucked back into it with one person or another, I felt so bad that I started avoiding it like the plague. I stopped talking to people who wanted to bring it up, and if I found myself thinking/talking too much about it, I took action. I have written here before (to tara) that at times, I had to go out back and dig holes and fill them back up and start over again, because you can’t think when you’re doing that. I manually and methodically sawed big tree branches into disks”can’t think when you’re doing that. I’m not saying I didn’t backslide, or have days that were close to intolerable, but the longer I worked at this, the calmer I became.
I powered through this on my own – I had just discovered this and other sites and books and was educating myself, and I didn’t start therapy until probably six months later when I had my insurance straightened out.
My therapist taught me that all that obsessive talking over and over (thinking too) was keeping my amgadala so stimulated that I couldn’t think straight. I believe Tara is there (also with all her other traumas) but also she has not acknowledged that her ex is using her, and it will never be good. She is keeping herself in a never ending cycle. I still have stresses in my life, garden variety ones as well as ones that are a direct result of the relationship and discard, and I am very good at noticing when my amgadala is screaming at me and nip it in the bud as fast as possible. Until a professional educated me about this, I had no idea what I was doing to myself and that I could take charge of it – until then, I was frantic a lot. I am afraid that tara is used to feeling that way, and that is dangerous. She needs a break.
Your advice to her is right on target. She needs to be on medication to calm her nervous system down enough to even HEAR what her therapist is saying. I hope she does what she needs to do to save herself.
Hi Hanlei-no I really have only disappeared due to my moms things keeping me busy. I have not let my ex back. .just his emails and stuff. I try to stay connected I just have been doing alot between work and clearing her . house.
I do agree I need to find a good therapist. I have been thru too much in a short time. I know he is using me. I can see it. It must feed his ego..I don’t know. I am trying to just find peace so I can grieve
Yes. .you are right. Three huge traumas is what I have been thru. I tried to recover from one but it was back to back. I come from a family of alcoholic so I don’t drink often. My 35 year old sister was found dead. .on her floor in a half way house. I was her mother. Even though I was two years younger. ..I took care of her. My brother and father wrote her off because of her addiction. And my mom was a full blown alcoholic. I knewthat. Something was wrong
my sister called me every night. I woke up crying and told my mom to call and have her checked on. She was dead. My mom just died july 29 of liver failure. My mom was a wonderful mom. She couldn’t live without my sister. My ex Joe was there for me. I. Never dreamed he would be cheating.
I just saw my.dr last week. I am on a higher dose of prozac
Hi Taralav, How are you this morning? I hope a bit better. You did a great job not responding to your ex’s last hate and abuse email. You overcame the temptation to do what he wanted you to do, and you did what you know is best for you. Consider deleting without reading the next one you get.
You have a LOT to cope with right now. You’re getting a lot of good input from your friends here. You may be able to come back to it later on from time to time and get more out of it as you move forward.
When I was where you are – in so much pain and overwhelmed, when I could barely put a coherent thought together and I was functioning on autopilot, out of my desperation I made one commitment because it was all I could cope with. I decided that my son would not ever have contact with the spath I was married to. I could not think of all the details all at once, but I made that the number one priority and lived it. After that everything else fell into place.
It is unlikely you can fix everything at once. Consider accepting that you are going to feel pain and grief for awhile. Consider not addressing anything but your immediate needs to take care of yourself – eating, sleeping, working, the minimum you need to do with respect to your Mom’s estate. Just doing those things takes just about all our effort when we’re recovering from trauma. Take each day one step at a time.
If you can focus on just one thing, consider making it a priority to stop interacting with your ex. Try not to think about the future, what he’s thinking, why he does what he does, what will he think, etc. You can figure all that out later. Consider giving yourself a rest from it.
The number one key to feeling better is to stop having any interaction with your ex. Consider making that commitment and then doing whatever you need to do to make it happen.
Your ex is an enemy. He wants to harm you. It is really difficult to ‘get’ this after all the fakery the spaths do, and it took me years to understand it.
I hope you have a good day; and I hope you continue to resist responding to your ex, and I hope you will try deleting the next email he sends, and avoid him if he tries to see you in person.
Have there been any days you have not had contact with him? Consider counting the days, and let us know how many as you go along. Your success would bring joy to your friends here.
Hi Annette. I am ok..I slept a lot just emotional tired. My job has been really busy today so just trying to write on break. I have been to AlAnon once. I have been so busy today I have not even checked yet my spam. I get sick when I see a email from him im always afraid to open
taralav, just seeing his name on my caller ID gives me a panic attack, and it’s been 4 years since I left. A letter in the mailbox might give me a heart attack. I can’t imagine how it would feel if my ex figured out how to email, omg.
What I’ve done is ask a friend to listen to his voicemails, then tell me if I need to listen myself or if it’s the usual BS (“my leg just fell off and it’s your fault”). Then I blocked him, but now feel sort of guilty about that since the message seems to be “Here, Daughter! take care of your father, he’s too weird for me to manage personally.”
taralav
I’m curious why you would even look at the spam box? Or if his name is there, why are you clicking email from him?
Taralav,
Thanks for taking time from your busy work day to check in. Glad you’re ok today. I’m really glad you haven’t had time to look for an email from your ex. Maybe you’ll be able to resist the temptation to read them even when you do have time. Give your gentle and precious emotions a rest for awhile.
Hope the rest of your day is good.
No Contact,
Thank you for the laugh (out loud) of my day: “The usual BS: My leg just fell off and it’s your fault…” I don’t know why that struck me as so funny, but it is such an actual parody of spathdom.
For the last years every time I had contact with my ex P, I was literally sick in bed for 2-3 days, my mind went into zombie panic mode again. He and his evil triggered so much trauma in me. The less I interacted with him and the more recovered I got, the more I noticed how much he was negatively affecting me.
Hi Annette, glad you got a giggle.
SNL once aired a skit with Roseann Barr playing the part of a “cardholder services” representative, taking the call of somebody who’d lost their MasterCard at the airport. The guy wants an immediate replacement before he leaves his hotel in the morning, and pushes her to perform miracles to make that happen. She finally says, “If I had that kind of control over Time and Space, would I be talking to a creep like you at 2 in the morning?”
So yeah — if I can make it rain and keep your car from starting, maybe you should stop messing with me already. 🙂
Also good for you that you don’t drink. You know how to take care of yourself and you are doing so.
Have you ever tried Al-Anon? This resource probably understands your life situation and may have some solutions that could help you.
Hi Taralav, I just went back and read the post about your sister – I’m so sorry you had to go through this. And now your mom. You are dealing with so much. Try to resist the temptation to look at those emails. It is also tempting to save the emails, thinking maybe you will look at a later date. I saved (and listened to) the voice mails for almost a year with the spath. One day I didn’t need any of it anymore and I deleted all of it. When I’m trying to go NC with someone, I sometimes feel a compulsion to check their FB page. I don’t ever do it. I did it once with the last guy and I got triggered very badly. It took a while to bounce back.
I have never had much luck with 12-step programs but some people swear by them. I think AlAnon or CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) might both fit your situation. There are some predatory and dysfunctional people there, too, but if you can find a good sponsor who is actually working the program, this might be helpful. It might be safer to find a good counselor; then you don’t have to worry who is safe at the 12-step meetings and who is not. But if you can learn to tolerate being alone, it’s so much better to be alone, lonely, and overwhelmed than to lean on a spath. He shouldn’t be your last resort. He shouldn’t be any resort.
Sending hugs your way. Sorry if my last post had a little too much tough love.
Not & Kaya,
It was me who posted about Taralav’s comment that she feared being alone. It’s a very strong deterrent to being able to let go in abusive situations.
This is an active thread – difficult to follow the conversations at times!
Taralav, After that great weekend my sleep was full of nightmares about my ex. i think because I was so grateful to come home to an empty house he was in my head when I went to sleep. But this time when I dreamed about him, I didn’t wake up crying. I woke up and thought, “Oh Thank the good Lord I will never go through that hell again.” I woke up so content, feeling so loved, and blessed.
Now I struggle with regret for all the years I wasted on such a loser. But I can deal with that. I attempted suicide after my ex and I split and he encouraged me to try again after the first time failed, he said to kill myself because no man would ever want a paranoid, suicidal, demanding, ungrateful bitch like me. I sat there with a handful of pills and thought about it and decided I was not going to give him what he wanted. Even after he told me to kill myself I STILL kept in contact another 3 months. Glutton for punishment or what? I could dance for joy, giggle like a teenage girl, kiss strangers on the street I am so happy he is out of my life and I didn’t succeed in killing myself.
You need to forgive yourself, accept you made a mistake and live a life worth living. Yes you are broken right now, horribly broken, but the good news is, once you remove the toxic from your life and you put yourself back together (and I mean YOU put yourself back together and not try to fix yourself by getting involved with another man because you will just repeat history over and over again until you learn to appreciate yourself for who you are). When you love yourself, when you realize how wonderful you truly are you won’t have time to worry about getting a man, they will be beating your door down. There is NOTHING more attractive than a woman who knows her worth. No greater aphrodisiac than a woman who has boundaries and doesn’t take shit from any man.
Believe me!! Trust, that there is so much love and life waiting for you if only you will take the steps to find it. We are all standing here holding up a light, can you see it? way off in the distance? don’t take the path you know leads to blackness and everything negative, try a new path, you have all these people who will lead the way, you just have to trust.
Taralev, You have answered my question. He is in control of your life. All of your posts are about what he said and what he did, what he is making you do. The only way to take back control of your life is to break ties with him. If you don’t do it, he will continue to control you. It will be painful either way, but without him, you will start to heal.
This is your choice. We can’t make it for you. I’ve heard that a domestic abuse victim will go back to her abuser on average 12 times. I don’t know where you’re at in this cycle. But this is your decision to make. If you can’t walk away, no one will be able to help you. If you do walk away, there is much support to help you get through it. We’re all pulling for you here.
I really just appreciate all of you. For reading my on going saga and caring enough to write. No contact- you are right. He took my respect. I don’t feel self worth. I have been asked out.by other guys and I can’t even imagine ever going out with anyone ever. Until you live thru a discard no one else can understand the damage
taralav
I hope you considered my post when I encouraged you to ask the question you were asking yourself. I fully understand that awful feeling of not being able to get away from horribly depressing thoughts and desires for my abuser.
It is circular thinking and we get stuck in it. I was stuck for FAR TOO LONG. The reason I was stuck was because I didn’t want to face the answer.
I was raised to be the family scapegoat. I was the family caretaker. I was responsible for what happened in the family. I had been for my entire memory. As the “smart” one in my family, I could read/do math very early. I did not know that was unusual. My older sister, who babysat me, was “retarded”, the label used 50 years ago. I don’t know her learning disorders, just that she has VERY low IQ. Only, my mom told me that since she was older, she was smart and as a younger child, I was dumb. SO… as a young child, I believed my mom.
I think YOU were also raised to be your family caretaker. That things WAY beyond your years were part of your normal daily responsibilities. So when things go wrong, we blame ourselves.
After being discarded by my ex, all I could think about was how I made mistakes that led to his abuse. It was ALL my fault. But my reasoning side knew that if it was my fault, then I could fix it. But I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. So I was in limbo. Stuck. Caught in a cycle of extreme emotional pain.
By using the sentence completion technique, I faced those hard questions that I didn’t want to know the answers because I didn’t want to face PROOF that I was deficient. I was SO SURE my relationship failed because of ME, that I deserved the pain. And because I DESERVED the pain, that it was going to be the norm until the end of my life.
It didn’t matter what other people said to me, I KNEW beyond doubt, in my heart and mind, that I was a failure, a fraud, too worthless for others to associate with, and totally understandable that my ex abandoned someone as worthless as me.
The sentence completion exercise unlocked my limbo. I just figured if I was as bad as I knew I was, I should find out how bad. And I did the technique and discovered… that I was wrong. I wasn’t to blame. That my childhood conditioning that scapegoated me was why I felt the way I did. I discovered that my ex was the one who was “not right in the head”.
The technique opened up MY inner self to the truth. I thought the words others wrote were because they were nice, not because they knew anything about me.
Once I used the technique, I found out I WAS NORMAL and that others were NOT NORMAL. But I HAD to discover that fact myself in order for it to become a part of my thought process.
And now that I’ve told you my discovery, I hope I haven’t ruined the technique for you. It’s a way to discover the LIES we tell ourselves, and in discovery, we are set free. No longer STUCK in that nightmare loop of self judgement.
There are other techniques that do the same, unlock truths that people like us NEED TO LEARN because we were conditioned to caretake and be subservient to our own needs and a psychopath came into our lives and hijacked us, using us for their selfish predatory purposes without ever intending to give back or appreciate us.
Notwhathesaidofme
Whoops! Think I’ve missed something here… sentence completion technique? That sounds like a great idea but I don’t know what to do? You seem to have had the same life as I’ve had so maybe this will help my self worth return to normal.
Taralev
You are so right. It’s so difficult to understand until you live through it. Most of my friends and family would not understand that I was begging my ex to come home, crying over him, feeling guilty, taking blame. I am not sure how I went through it. Many sleepness nights, crying nonstop. Later I found out while I was crying my eyes out hd took her to lavish dinners on the beach. He did not feel any remorse. When they discard you they have already planned this for months or even years. They are ready to walk out so its not a big thing for them.
nd I kept asking why? Why did you do this to me? And he kept telling me “because you are mentally insane”.
Taralev , maybe you should see a counsellor. I did and she put some perspective on the entire situation. With time I became detached from him. I did not care anymore who he was seeing. Did he hurt that he went on cruises and left myself and his son without money ? It hurt like hell, it turned into anger and that is why he was my biggest enemy all of a sudden. But the divorce was my new beginning. I will never let someone treat my like garbage and then dispose of me. Never again.
Try to stay positive and just do the best you can. I
Annette
Great advice , one day at a time. I feel for Taralev. I was exactly where she was and I also functioned like a robot, on autopilot. I don’t remember how I made myself go to work every day, be there for my son and my pets. To me it was like a nightmare I could not wake up from. I slowly rationalized it. Like when my son took my phone away and said “you should not listen to his crap anymore , let’s block him”. He was only 18 then but so much wiser than me being 48. Or when my ex came to the house and three more insults at me. And my son said “I think you should leave, you hurt us enough”. When you are in that stage you want to read every text, every email and even though you know it’s bad , you get sucked in.
Once I talked to an attorney, a counsellor and a pastor I gained some clarity. How can they all tell me the same ? Put an end to it. It’s not easy but deep down I knew it was the only choice I had.
Its very sad that my marriage was destroyed by his action but there is absolutely nothing I could do. He made his choice and I cannot make someone love me if he don’t. And he was clearly not capable of loving anyone, maybe his reflection in the mirror when he took pictures for her. But that’s about all the love he had in him.
Kaya you are a inspiration I hope I get to the place you are
Taralev
Thank you but by all means it was the hardest obstacle in my life, hopefully the only one. Putting an end to a 20 plus year marriage was a difficult decision. Divorce destroys families, friends, everything. But it was my only choice if I wanted to survive and get better. He chose his coworker/whore and my answer was the divorce petition. And it is not easy to seperate lives after such a long time together. One if my friends said to me, when I told her that I caught him exchanging photos again, that was before I was discarded “don’t you have any self worth, why do you let him get away with this, divorce his a**”. She was right.
Taralev with time and willpower you will be exactly where I am at now. At peace and living a good life without the crazy maker.
No contact
I will the same. Even after 2 years when he send a note with my alimony check my heart races , it’s like a full blown panic attack. That’s why no contact is so important. He cannot call, email or text. But he finds a way through the postal system. My attorney said “it’s ok, he is creating a nice record for himself , just file the notes in a folder. ” I named the folder “evil”.
It’s sad they have so much power over of us. I hope it will improve with time.
Me too, kaya, and I pray for better times ahead for us all.
It’s a whole different ballgame when there are kids involved. You want to shove the ex as far away as possible!~ the damage he’s inflicted on them is vastly more impressive to the soul than anything he could have done to a wife. But he has a permanent place in his innocent children’s lives that can’t be cut away — unless you are willing to dilute the relationship of being their mother by not talking about him at all, which is where my kids have headed and found me unwilling to go there.
As you know, I’ve wished my daughters felt the way your son does, but not — I swear, it’s as though we “broke up” in the usual routine manner, such that it’s “not fair to take sides” in their parents’ divorce. Sometimes I’ve wanted to say, Dear children — your mother is (relatively, anyway) sane and needs your help to be safe in regard to your father’s illness. I’m not asking you to take sides, I’m asking you to avoid a crazy person! and at 25 and 29, you are plenty old enough to ID him as such.
Naturally everyone I mention this to says simply, He’s their father. I get it, it just feels like “the last straw” that he gets to continue to damage them. And, relative to the current discussion, that open conduit between them leaves me vulnerable to attack! so I’m never really able to imagine being free and always waiting for the kids or myself to take the next kick.
It really should be a crime to do these things. My ex was totally aware he was abandoning society’s rules and enjoyed doing it.
A parent, even disordered, is always the parent to his children, and sadly it’s true that he’s their father and will always be their (biological) father. No matter what anyone does, the children have to work things out for themselves and make the decision what kind of a relationship if any they choose to have with the disordered parent. You can ask the children not to discuss him unnecessarily with you, and to make sure you don’t have to be in proximity to him. They are most likely to come to the accurate conclusion as to what he is and to decide to avoid him if they can learn from experience.
In spiritual terms it is a crime to do these things. Lying, betraying, breaking one’s marriage vows, failing to be a provider and protector of one’s family, are all morally wrong.
Yes, they enjoy doing it.
Isn’t this just something? Even after a couple of years of no contact, when my ex sent “his share” of the house payment (an arbitrary amount depending on whim that was nothing close to his fair share) I dreaded the first of the month, even though I needed whatever money he chose to send me. I dreaded it because just taking the envelope out of the mailbox made my heart race! I’d always hold it up to see if there was something more in it than a check, because if there was a note, I’d get panicky and shaky.
It’s been a relief to be free of that monthly doom since the house sold. I will still need to get the mortgage tax documents from him at the first of the year, but my attorney will handle that.
I hope to never see him or hear his voice again. I think I’d leap out of my skin.
Kaya & H Moon,
I experience the same thing – physical dread, nausea, panic, heart racing, etc. to see my ex’s name on the alimony check, an email in the in box, whatever. It is our body telling us clearly that this spath is harmful to us, puts us in danger; and we should fear his intent towards us.
Annette, you are so right that it is our body clearly warning us.
I’ve been working with a real estate agent for about six weeks that at first seemed very charming, knowledgeable and helpful. Within a short time, I noticed him making subtle critical remarks under the guise of helping me in my home search. I felt it was an inappropriate way to speak to a client, but I haven’t worked with a real estate agent to buy a home in awhile and thought, maybe it’s just his pressure tactic. Then I found myself thinking he reminded me of my ex.
Two weeks ago after I didn’t care for the neighborhood of a house I looked at, when he asked me if I had downloaded google earth to check out the neighborhoods in advance and I said I hadn’t, he told me to “do what I was told”. This, to me, a client. No one in my entire life had ever said that to me except my ex. I thought it was my imagination that I felt anger and frustration radiating off him (while his face was neutral) when I didn’t want to make an offer on two houses that HE felt ticked all my boxes.
I realized that before every showing, my gut was twisted in knots. I had chalked it up to nerves about buying a house, uncertainty about the areas, etc. I’ve bought houses before and had NONE of this angst. I had avoided him after the google earth comment, but then, found two houses I wanted to see. It turned out he wasn’t available and had a female colleague show them to me. I had no twisted gut before the showings, she was kind and helpful, even encouraging. The houses weren’t right, but she asked me why exactly and said she would see what else she could find me. No weirdness.
I am reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It talks about how humans walk right into danger when our gut is screaming at us, because we want to give the benefit of the doubt, or even not hurt someone’s feelings. Animals don’t do that”they sense danger and they run away. Lessons learned.
Not what- I honestly don’t know why I look. I just don’t know. I have to try to not look..nothing will ever change if I look
You are thinking clearly. The reasons why are because you are having cognitive dissonance, which is a normal emotional reaction to betrayal,lying, abuse, etc. that no one should ever endure. Your family of origin issues probably make it even more difficult to walk away from this evil disordered psychopath who betrayed you.
It’s so difficult, but putting logic over emotions, and trusting in God through the trial, is the only way I was able to overcome, and even then it took forever. My son, friends and family, were getting frustrated with me. Like Kaya, my teenage son pointed out what the spath was doing to me.
Annette, while otherwise acting like the breakdown of my marriage was both parties’ fault, one of my children once very sharply pointed out I’d been betrayed! — and when we were occasionally together with her dad, acted “put-out” with me, as though he and I shouldn’t have both been there.
It’s been a Lose/Lose: As children, they want their intact family back. As women, they want to see their mother avenged. The daughter in question is also old enough to have her own axe to grind about a failed long-term romance, so the issues have been a soap-opera-level reminder of the Lord’s Ten Simple Rules and WHY they must be adhered to.
Like kaya and Annette
My teenage son also pointed it out but in the simplest of ways, I think he jyst cut through all the crap when he said with so much sincere that I had to pay attention; “mum, why are you playing?”
That was enough for me to start waking up to the game I’d chosen to get involved in – the energy I was playing in – the drama I chose to acknowledge and allow = it was time to change!
taralav
I ask the question because in essence, you are touching the hot stove over and over. His email = pain. The worse pain ever. Yet you look.
I am no therapist. I just wonder after all you’ve been through, why would you do what you know will burn you?
Or rather, why don’t you choose to stop?
If you don’t know the answer, there’s a type of process that help unlock the answer. Take a sheet of paper. At the top of the page, on one line, write “The reason I keep looking at his emails is…” Then list answers as fast as you can, don’t stop to think, just list without judgement, even if it’s wrong or silly. No reading what you write. List and list and list without pause or thinking. Use the front and back side, and another sheet, until you there’s nothing left to write. Then put in down and walk away. Get a glass of water, take a walk outside. Do something, the dishes or wipe down the stove. A task. Sleep on it. Then in the morning write down the first thing you think when you wake up. And only then, look at the list.
Not, at this point in the experience, I would have found find those emails totally irresistible, so if taralav finds them equally so, I don’t think it’s difficult to analyze why: her emotions pull her into peeking.
Even after many years’ separation from her ex-BF, my daughter occasionally makes the mistake of peeking at her ex’s Facebook page. Expecting to see him looking wan and desperate, she was discouraged (to say the least) to see a wedding ring on his finger. She was also embarrassed to have peeked, and fully aware she “shouldn’t have” — but we are human beings and do not readily release those to whom our hearts have bonded. We should not feel any need to apologize nor account for this ingrained characteristic in the healthy human animal, it’s the spaths who are deranged so the first process is usually just to get that point.
taralav, I did stop opening envelopes and skipping over voicemails without listening, and recommend that when you’re ready, you save the emails (which may be easier than deleting them outright) and then just not read them. It will give you strength to see him trying to nip at you and going without a response — which IS a response, the ultimate one.
I had an old RE broker boss who, when asked to give feedback after a home showing, would ask, “Did you get my offer?” The caller would generally say No, and the boss would respond, “Then you got my feedback.” Nothing makes a more eloquent, final statement than Silence.
Sounds like a good idea to keep in a file the ex’s emails without looking at them. I think it would be easier to not respond and not read them, kind of like putting it off indefinitely.
Thanks for pointing out that we’ve all gone through the experience of continuing contact and hoping the spath will change; and that it’s a natural response to bonding.
NoContact
We all may share similarities with the abuse we suffer, but the hooks, the causes, our experiences and how we interpret them is as individual as we all are.
I seek to help Taralav, just as I wished there was someone for me when I was in terrible emotional misery. I WANTED the misery to stop. I just didn’t know how. And I sure didn’t have LF to guide me! NOW I do know some things that worked for me and others. It would be cruel of me to not offer that saving grace to Tara. Her heartache is tearing her up. She deserves relief.
Of course taralav deserves relief, Not, and I’ve no doubt you seek to help her. I believe there is healing in understanding that healthy women bond to their sex partners without putting their energies into second-guessing whether they’re being duped.
The “inability to get over it” is easily cast as a secondary “deficiency” or “wrongness” to be corrected. We should never want our hearts to be so protected that it doesn’t hurt like hell to have this happen, in fact I think that’s pretty much where we all “came in to this movie.”
NoContact
Thanks for your words. I thought you were being critical of me, censoring me for making Tara feel like she had to apologize for what she is doing. And I hope you didn’t interpret my words as “wrongness to be corrected” or “inability to get over it”. We have to live with our feelings and resolve them in our own way. But that’s not my subject at all.
I empathize with Taralav because I was also trapped in circular thinking. Severely trapped (three years of HELL). I didn’t know how to get out of it. Until I was given a variety of techniques. It’s a process to get out of being stuck in circular thinking. But once I escaped, I was able to stop the nightmares because my nightmares were a symptom. I wasn’t dealing with the trauma when I was awake (because of being stuck!)so my subconscious tortured me while I slept. The AGONY was indecribable. I did everything I could to avoid going to sleep. This is the same trap and trauma that Tara is describing.
I hope I am wrong but it kinda hurts my feelings if you assumed I was trying to say “Get over it”. I went through years of hell. I didn’t heal in a short time, I sure don’t expect others to. And if I am misinterpreting your words, I surely do owe you a big apology and will do it asap!
Three lashes with the wet noodle, Not! 🙂 Nobody comes onto a public website to be criticized so I wouldn’t dream of doing it to you. Even if you did deserve it! which, you don’t. 🙂 xox
Nocontact
Way too irresistible! Umm HELLO! Doing it, feeling it…whoops!!! Ok day 1 start over again is is that A-GAIN? Lol 😉
That’s ok, ironic! just make a new email folder named Crap I Am Too Good To Read and slide those hummers in. 🙂
Nocontact
Sadly I think I’m enjoying all the groveling…I’m getting a taste of all the things I never had…except the BS! It was BS tge whole time and it’s BS now, but still nice to think in this fantasy land of “I’m the one, I’m first on his list, I’m the only one he wants.
Ok ok I’ll put it in the BS folder tonight…lol
It’s a timing thing, ironic. It’s fine to enjoy watching them eat a little crow, go for it! But the trick is to stop before you notice it’s your own pet bird, as that does sort of take the “tang” out of it. If you’re still at the Yummy stage, soon would be a good time to take “the eternal bathroom break” and leave him with the check. 🙂
Nocontact
Funny you should say…my path dropped my lounge off last night and wanted to come in and say hello to his beloved cat. Well the cat hid for a while then when the path finally caught him, he cried and hissed at him.
I always knew the cat wasn’t very fond of him but I assumed it was because he was a mummy’s boy but it turns out the cat knew him better than I did for all his years. I laughed when he left snd cuddled the cat and told him how wise he was – just now wondering if he’d been cruel or inappropriate with my poor cat while I wasn’t watching? The cat has always been a little skitty and occasionally lost hair with stress, now I wonder if it was the paths mistreatment rather than just being skitty?… yet another confirmation that I’ve done the right thing!
NoContact, I have this on a post-it on my computer:
Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.
After the final discard, my ex wrote me a series of horrible emails that I spent hours carefully crafting responses to, addressing each and every point. It hadn’t gotten through my thick skull at that point that this was the final discard, and all he was doing was metaphorically nudging the corpse with his toe to make sure I was actually dead, and get a few chuckles. I had been trained to come crawling on my knees to him after mini-discards and to accept blame for everything. When I abruptly and completely out of character stopped responding to him in any way, I immediately saw a hint of desperation to engage me. It was very gratifying. He faded off pretty quickly since he already had new supply in place, but it was enough for me to hold fast to no contact. He tried to get to me in various ways after that as we worked through the real estate issue, but he had to deal with my attorney. I’ve never had contact with him since.
In a 7 year relationship, there were 4 or 5 mini-discards before the final one. Like Tara’s ex, he wasn’t done with me, and he knew exactly how to get to me. I heard great stuff like, “I’ve been sitting in the back yard, ALONE, watching the grass grow and thinking about the future, and realized, every time I think visualize the future, I see you standing beside me. I never want us apart again.” It wasn’t so long after this that we moved forward with buying a house together.
Come to find out, he wasn’t watching the grass grow. He was on a cruise with a co-worker.
I wish Tara’s ex would find something that he wanted more than he wants to terrorize her.
We need to invent Psycho Island where they can all entertain themselves, and still feel like they’re the only ones there. You know: the fantasy TV show they’re starring in while the rest of us are living what we call Real Life. 🙂 Hmmmm…..