UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
No contact
I am so sorry to hear that he can still get to your children. It’s just another way for him to get to you through them. I am fortunate that my son sees him as an evil being. I guess, my son witnessed too many of his vicious actions and I am very sad about it. At the same time he saw him for who the father really is. I still remember the day my son put parental controls on my ex’s mobile phone. My sons words “you can no longer text, email, xchange photos and visit websites until you can behave like a responsible father and husband. “. That came from my son. Of course the discard came shortly after. He was exhausted hiding his affairs.
I am still proud of my son to act more mature than I did back then. Now, he is ok and he says “he likes the peaceful life we have now”. We might have less material things, not so fancy house but we have peace and quietness, no eggshell walking.
Taralev
I was thinking if you take a vase and shatter it, you glue it together, it might look ok but it will never be the same pretty vase. That’s how your relationship with him is. Too many broken pieces that would ever hold together again. And even if they did, never the same again. Good job on not answering him.
Wow kaya, I’m totally inspired by your son’s acceptance and awareness, and so sorry he has had to endure that experience. Unfortunately! the daughters have yet to grasp the extent of their father’s condition and don’t attribute malice to his actions, I think they view him as a drunk maybe, but not the disordered character he must be to have pulled the rug out from under them.
To be specific, you said, “It’s just another way for him to get to you through them.” Just now, they are having to learn this about him: Since I blocked him from my telephone several weeks ago (I waited 3 1/2 years to do this), there’s been no contact between them either. I imagine that your son would say, Well Duh! Somebody has to pay for his being cut off, and what use are they to him now?
What I wouldn’t give, to keep them from “getting it.” I cringe inside! for the passage of understanding that must occur before they can protect themselves and each other from whatever evil creature squats in his brain.
Kaya
What an amazing man your son will become. You should be very proud of the job you did raising him, regardless of what took place with the path, your son learnt your values, not his and that is such a triumph! I’m truly grateful that I had the most important years of my children’s growth to influence them (0 – 5) before I went off the rails and had to be rescued by my own little “mirror images!”
been one year now since I last saw him….we had been divorced for a year….had never actually had a home or life together…more promises of moving and us starting our life together….he was going to rent a place in my area and we were suppose to try again….one conversation…he twisted my words and said I was calling him a liar….he hung up on me again….he told me he would come here to stay…then he said he had to go home for thanksgiving to be with his family and to hunt with his kids…that would be 2-3 wks with me…then leaving again….a life I could no longer accept…he said, “Let’s see…are you worth not being with my family for thanksgiving?”…wow…how do you answer that? I felt like I was a mistress to his children…not “Us” and our family …I have children too …he was divorced from his ex …years ago….but I always felt somehow the mistress ….sure there is a reason for that.
It is so difficult to be free from the bonds….as I write and recall things…I mentally see how awful things were…the madness… but they sure seduce you and mess with your soul….I want to be free….still not a day goes by that I don’t feel him trying to touch me …I still hear him…feel him wherever I go….I don’t know how to get free of him….
I try to stay busy …involved …meeting new people…enjoying life….Days of disfunction return here and there….I feel like giving in to it…but it would be a life of misery…worse than before….I know it is shattered….and can not be glued back….
I don’t know how to stop hurting…I gave my heart…I confess I was foolish….
Grace
We all feel or have felt this way. While I’m still a little where you are, I’m not the one to advise you yet because I’m partially living the nightmare along with you.
I do feel your pain as I resonate with it on every level. The girls here will be along with valuable information about rising above it and steps to move forward and I’ll be watching their posts with you.
I wish I could take the pain and confusion away for you… One thing I do know is that it gets better with time, we heal, grow and take back our power a little each week. Hang in there ♥
Grace dear, I have one simple question for you.
My lover asked me, “Are you worth not being with my family for thanksgiving?”
My question is: What should I say?
NOW it’s not hard, is it? You can think of a million things that I should say. If there’s ever once a Next Time that someone talks to you that way, pretend it’s happening to somebody ELSE! then SAY IT: Go. To. Hell.
Grace
I’m trying to understand your situation…you are not married to him and you are divorced? Do you mean divorced as in, you and he are no longer are a couple? But not married?
Either case it is horrible what he said…I’m assuming this just happened concerning last thanksgiving? How far apart are you in distance?
Mine as well was supposed to move to be closer to me. Then suddenly everything we planned and spoke about didn’t happen..within a few days of or plans he told me the move he was making was across the world and was getting married to a girl much much younger. We had just spoken that he was coming here, to be together, we had just been together a week that were made of promises to each other and then the news he was leaving…in a nutshell the past three years were a huge lie with a person I do not even know. Am I surprised? No..over the past cpl years I’d found many pieces of evidence he’d been cheating physically with others, online having online sex, going under many false identities, but I always heard him out and gave him the benefit of the doubt…I ignored what was proof right in my face.
Now like you I am going through the loss, but it’s the loss of a “fake person”. I have a but more clarity than a couple months ago and the help of no contact gets me through..it’s hard and some days are harder, but I haven’t given in yet. Like you said, I was foolish to ignore it all
Would it be any different or better to have him in your life? Would it eventually go back to what you
suffered? I don’t know these people will ever change because their brains function that way for them. It will be us who is miserable to take them back and resume a hopeless situation. I don’t know we would really be happy to accept them back in our lives
I can’t do it but the Word says….”Be strong in the LORD and the strength of HIS might”….
NoC
NoContact
Oops sorry about that above message I started..I’m having difficulty accessing messages without my screen moving all over and I spell wrong and hit the wrong buttons!!
I was going to say your following quote is perfect:
Did you get my offer?” The caller would generally say No, and the boss would respond, “Then you got my feedback.” Nothing makes a more eloquent, final statement than Silence.
I have been in a rough state today wanting badly to contact my ex, I really don’t know why I guess I was missing him. I keep repeating over and over “but he hasn’t contacted me, he’s in the wrong, why would I contact him?”
I just have so many questions that were never answered and the more I think of my situation I can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t contact me because I really nvr meant anything and he has moved on? It didn’t seem as tho it were this way but I feel it. He is a writer, and for him to not email is unusual but I have to understand he is what he is…then I read your statement and it just makes me happier that I didn’t contact him. I hope I stick to it and thanks 🙂
janedoe
I don’t think straight when I have that need to contact my ex.
So at the times when I was “strong” (not in the grip of need), I wrote a reminder to myself (wrote from my woman self to my hurting self). In my case I had several reminders, that he would never give me a satisfactory answer, that he used contact as an opportunity to put me down, etc. AND…
I had a step 2…
a list of things to do to nurture and being loving and caring towards myself. I noticed I had “the urge” when I had a fever, was upset about something else, when I felt insecure or anxious etc. etc., BUT… by doing something nice that fed my spirit, I was able to resist more often, and that led to fewer times of giving in to “the urge”.
NWHSOM
i know what you mean about not thinking straight…its almost as though all that convincing myself not to contact him will suddenly be ruined…i get my adrenalin pumping and i am so close to writing him…i have a few emails just sitting in my drafts that have been written in times like this, that i haven’t sent.
instead of putting me down when he emails, he is the opposite. he spreads the sweetness so thick its almost hard to not believe him…but thats what got me here to begin with, believing all the bull he fed me of three years, up until the day before he was getting married, and i fell for it..and he is so unbelievably stupid for behaving like a coward…lying to me saying how much i mean to him and then he marries this young girl and now i am dead?? a mentally disturbed person does that, not a normal human. this is someone who i interacted with on a daily basis at least 20-25 a day anyway we could and now its nothing…
but i can’t lie, i spent a lot of time today being upset and thinking of when we were together and how good it was, if only he didn’t lie throughout!!! lol thats funny actually, because what would there have been if he hadn’t lied!!???
and you’re right..doing something good is a great distraction..when i am busy, i almost have no time to wonder and think and i am happy and go about doing what i like to do, so yes you are right about that 🙂
Janedoe
You are not alone with this behavior from your path. Since I left 10 weeks ago, I’ve been bombarded with praise, love songs, love letters, flowers at my door, crying for 3hours straight while begging me to return and saying he truly understands why I moved out and it was all his fault…yadda yadda yadda…
During the marriage, I had bits of this behavior but after the first 2 years he developed a side of him that only my instincts picked up on. In Public (only while together) he was the devoted husband that never said anything bad about me and looked at my adoringly – this threw all my friends out as well. For 12 years my friends thought I was crazy to question his devotion, I was the crazy one in there eyes!
Now I’m getting the full treatment, love bombing to the extreme. He said that by my moving out was the catalyst he needed to realize what he’d done wrong, sort out his insecurities and become the man he should have been the entire marriage.
All of this treatment is kinda hypnotic, overkill but gets me wondering if it is true and I had him all wrong?
The thing that keeps me away from him, he won’t know until he’s charged with it but I truly understand what has sent you into this state of hope but I hope for us both that it doesn’t last too long…
I also know that when he finally realises I’m not going back, he will turn on me and become very scary, thats what paths do.
ironic
i didn’t know you just left 10 weeks ago…very similar to my timing
i guess since you left that is why he is wooing you..because he didn’t leave you?
and yes!!! overkill is the word…is he being truthful or not? you don’t want to fall into that trap again so you are being cautious…but then you think “maybe he is being truthful” it is so very confusing…i call this being emotionally manipulated…i try to convince myself this is what they want us to believe they are really like, and they did their job to make sure we do believe it…then we find out they are frauds…but then the sweetness occurs again and what if we are wrong??? its a vicious cycle..im just as new at this as you are!!
Hi Jane, glad you thought better of it and that my little quote was a good reminder that if they wanted to hear from us and be sane, they would be calling us and sounding that way. There is no point in hearing his voice again and in truth, even if he did sound totally sincere and willing to put all the chaotic pieces together, you wouldn’t believe him now anyway. Although I have since picked the nasty habit back up (no excuses on that!!) I quit smoking for over 15 years, essentially by telling myself I was going to do it “later” and then just never getting to it. So if you feel like calling, just tell yourself you’ll do it “later” and chances are, it won’t sound good enough again to get you re-hooked. I joked to my friends, who were astounded that I was able to quit, that I was only doing what I do best — Nothing. 🙂
NoCOntact
lol i sometimes wish i smoked again too!!!
i actually quit because i didn’t want him to know i smoked because he hates it with a passion…
and the only reason he would ever want to talk to me again is because things weren’t going well with his new bride and he has gotten bored…so yes, i would know he is up to something conniving and he is insincere…because that was what he was good at…conniving and being insincere..
thanks for the laugh NoContact 🙂
I appreciate all of you. I need to be smacked sense into me. I don’t think any of you are critical. I need to hear it. I consider you all friends. Strangers who care and in this world it means a lot to me that you read my drama and help me!!
Taralev
When I was in your situation slmost 2 years ago and found this website I was so grateful for all the excellent advice here. I am honored to be able to tell my story now and maybe it will help some here. Like you I had problems with staying in no contact , always going one step forward and three back. I finally concluded that any cobtact with the Ex put me in a traumatic state of pain, exhaustion, despair and pain. I was not able to sleep or be a functional individual. So I started the no contact. I have to admit that I got pleasure out of it. When he told his attorney “she cut of all contact, she changed the locks in the house”. It made me smile and it mDd me feel important and in control . In my 20 year marriage I never had this “power “. and yes it was a little payback for causing me so much pain. The no contact just comes naturally to me now. No more big deal for me.
taralev
kaya48 is so right when she says this website is a godsend…sometimes getting advice from people you don’t know is better than from people you do know…people you know may be a bit more cautious with what they say because they haven’t dealt with the situation first hand, they are only going by what you say to them…
no contact is very tough..im in the midst of it myself and am surprised at how i am managing to do it, i never thought i had this side to me and i do…its been almost a month of no contact..i have to admit i have days where i would do anything to speak with him, but words from everyone on here and the advice and stories that i read from each person is an inspiration. some stories are much worse than myself because they suffer physical abuse as well, and thats unacceptable..
but what helps sometimes is thinking “what does he think about the fact i am not contacting him; he must be wondering where i am and what i am doing” i can’t explain why he isn’t writing me but it helps me to sometimes think “maybe he is afraid to contact me, he knows what i think, and hopefully he is feeling like a scum for putting me through all this”…whether this is what he thinks, i haven’t a clue, but i believed he was a sensitive person from the beginning and i will just go with the fact that it bothers him i am not contacting him…it makes me feel better thinking i am getting inside his head, they way he did to me!! so i will continue on my good days to believe this!!
i know right now it seems impossible for you and i thought the same just a couple months ago, i never thought i could go no contact, but i started it after his last email to me that pissed me off and i haven’t written back since…it killed me at first but i did it..i kept busy and came on here and wrote what i felt and got some great feedback and before i knew it three weeks no contact 🙂 it doesn’t mean i don’t have bad days, in fact today was one of them, but i pulled through…once you do it the first day thats what gives you the strength to continue..
you have had some difficult times it seems and its heartbreaking about your mom and sister..right now its a dark period for you because you have so much to deal with…keep your chin up, keep posting and venting and reading what all the beautiful women on here have to say, speak to a therapist if you need to as well… but it DOES get better…with time… xoxo
Thank you Jane doe for your post
Taralav,
I’m currently seeking counseling at my local women’s shelter it’s free and they have a ton of experience with abusive men/anti-social personality disorders. It’s helped me tremendously. I’m not sure if there are services like this in you area but if so, its definitely worth looking into. Especially because they have more experience with situations like ours most than most therapists do.
I want to thank all of you on Lovefraud for your support of Taralev and each other, as well as the comfort you’ve given me. Although some posts may seem harsh at times, I feel they can be misunderstood. Like Taralav said, she values all of your posts because she’s getting feedback she needs to hear feedback that reinforces all of us.
I’m hoping some of you may be able to help me with my current situation. My p has stopped emailing me for the last month, but he continues to have people contact me. These people include mutual friends and strangers on Facebook. A couple of months ago I even talked to a woman I did’t know on the phone. She was trying to get information from me about what I’ve been saying about him. This has been hard for me. After time away from his emails I realize how traumatizing each email was to me. Now I’m finding the mutual friends contacting me are just as traumatizing, even though I don’t respond back. As for the FB strangers, I got off the site for a while”they are few and far between and it bothers me less each time. But the mutual friends”it seems like they are digging (I haven’t had contact with them since NC).
Has anyone gone through this? How did you handle it? Is this part of the smear campaign? I’m trying to handle my emotions the best I can to live a more sane life and am not sure how to get past these messages from other people. I’ve tried so hard to get him out of my life and have struggled in the past with not returning his messages or let them get to me and now I have to struggle with the same traumatizing emotions when it comes to mutual friends/strangers. It’s always, what’s next? He’s gone, but he’s not. I know he’s behind all of this contact and I want so desperately to free myself”.
TDS79, I didn’t have this exact issue, but I think you are wise to be concerned, cautious and protective of yourself.
In my case, I continued to have contact with my ex’s sister and kids for awhile after the final discard because I needed comfort and support very badly. I was fairly certain that they weren’t pumping me for information for him, or reporting back to him, but when I realized how harmful it could be if this was even accidentally the case, I cut off all contact. His sister especially had been a lifeline for me, and it was hard to make that break, but I knew it was in my overall best interest.
What is happening to you is just plain weird, especially with the strangers. Because even the contacts from mutual friends traumatize you, I’d advise you to stay off FB for the time being. You can live without it, focus on the people around you in “real” life.
In my case, I felt fairly certain that my ex would google me to try to keep tabs on me and I went very stealth. I had a job where things I was working on would come up in google searches, and I tried to limit even that. I stopped writing reviews on Amazon. I never answered a call from a number I didn’t recognize (I did try to find out who the callers were though, and for weeks was getting hangup calls from several numbers that were assigned to attorneys in his area. When I had my attorney follow up on the calls, she never got an answer on any of the numbers.) I got off FB for a long time, and even now, rarely comment on anyone else’s posts, since I realized that some comments will come up on google searches. I google search myself and if anything like that comes up, I delete the comment immediately. I’m not obsessed with it, but for the time being, I would prefer that he can’t find anything out about me, even if it is a comment “lol cute cat!”.
You’re not responding, so I think these contacts will eventually fade away. No response is the best response, since you’re not giving any encouragement. Protect yourself from reading anything that upsets you, tell your real friends you’re going off FB for awhile and keep moving forward. It will get better.
HanaleiMoon,
Thank you for your response. Just hearing from people who are going through/have gone through similar things gives me comfort.
I understand all too well about having to cut off communication with even those you trust. These men are so good at getting in peoples heads for information without them even knowing it. Lord knows he did the same to me while we were together!
Like you, I search myself regularly to find out what info is available to him and if he is setting up accounts in my name (he did that once). I also don’t answer calls learned that lesson the hard way! FB has been confusing for me”I got off for a while but didn’t feel like I was being myself and got back on (I enjoy it). I upped all my security settings but they’re not fool proof. I didn’t even think about some of my comments on other pages being public! The joys of social networking! I still worry he is finding access to me, even though I’ve restricted our “friends.” I love your “lol cute cat!” example. I felt like that a couple of months ago and am now finding I’m in that place again. A “friend” contacted me on FB again today. I’m strongly considering getting off. I just hate that I’ve had to alter my life in so many ways. But I know I need to let go” I’ve also thought about responding to my “friends” with short replies saying I’m over it and he’s of no significance to me, although I already know it’s just more damaging.
Any advice on how not to look at messages from others, or him (if he starts again)? It took me a while to realize that although I wasn’t contacting him, reading messages are just as damaging.
That’s strange about the calls from attorney numbers in his area”I’m happy for you your attorney was helpful looking into that. What lengths won’t these men go to?? I’m sorry, but I haven’t been following your story as much lately (so much going on, on this thread)! Does your ex continue to stalk you in covert ways? Did he ever outright stalk you?
Looking back, I realize that even when we were together I suspected my ex stalking me in his car and memorized the first 3 digits of his license plate. Of course I stayed with him! In fact, I didn’t even think too much about it. That was my norm and I though I was happy.
TDS79, I have no knowledge that my ex has ever stalked me or is stalking me in covert ways, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was (he was always keeping tabs on his ex wife, and they had been divorced for around 15 years at that point). I have professional licenses in more than one state that keep online databases that are available to the public that include our home addresses (pretty stupid, huh?) and I haven’t updated my address since the shared home was sold, that would be a direct way for him to find out where I am. I’ve updated my linkedin profile, since I’m looking for a job but am vague about my location. The people who have my phone number I can count on one hand.
I didn’t realize about the FB comments until a couple popped up on my google search. I guess if someone doesn’t have their settings set to “friends only”, comments are public and they come up in searches. Cripes!! I had made a comment or two on psychopathic relationship healing related pages and they never showed up but I stopped that immediately and even went back and tried to find my comments so I could delete them. I don’t want to do anything that could incur his wrath. Better safe than sorry.
The only advice I have for you about not looking is to BE STRONG. Easier said than done. I admit, I read everything, because I felt like it was better to know, even if it was hurtful to me. If I had it to do again, I’d just try to be strong and delete messages without reading them, since in the end, I don’t think any good came of knowing anything.
It’s been 3 years NC and six months since the shared house was sold. Until recently, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I think I am in the clear now, since there are no financial or legal ties anymore. To my knowledge, he has no history of going back to “the scene of the crime” and trying to start up with anyone he has ultimately discarded, but I have a healthy enough fear of him to realize that he might think of me as easy pickings if he has a minute of down time or boredom. I have not changed my email address, so he could easily reach me that way if he wanted to. At this point, I suspect he’s into creating an image of being a doting husband to his new (a little over a year) wife, and has the sob story of how I abused and wronged him on replay to her (like he did with me about his two prior wives).
Isn’t it crazy what we come to think of as the norm? As it turns out, this crap is the greatest learning experience in the world.
Be tough!!
TDS79, I also wanted to add about those weird hang up calls I had that were from attorneys. It freaked me out! I would say over a three week period I got maybe 20 hang up calls, from 5 or so numbers. Reverse searches showed all but one were attorneys. The fact that it was from another state made it seem very suspicious.
My attorney left a message to the one who left the most hangups and said that they had been calling her client and hanging up and for them to contact her directly. Miracle! ALL the calls stopped, never to happen again.
Circumstantial? You decide.
Hanalei
If you go into your privacy settings on fb and mark them as private then another button pops up asking if you’d like all comments removed from Google and you can feel better after that – as I did 😉 Google is now accountable to the need for people to make their own choices regarding their privacy…
You have got me thinking that I might want to change my user name on everything. Ironic is a make up of my real name while I was married to the path so you might come across a new name but it will be this old person.
HanaleiMoon,
Going through this process I’ve realized almost nothing out of the normal is circumstantial or coincidence. I may not be able to figure him out or all his lies but what I do know are his patterns of behavior. Everything comes in 2-4’s. For instance, the 2 friends contacting me within an hour of each other. Or when I’ve talked to a friend in the past and he would email me minutes later. Nothing is coincidence with him! I don’t believe the phone calls you received were circumstantial…as you already know.:)
Turns out I wasn’t strong enough last night and replied to one of our “friends”. In his original message he wanted to know if I blocked him on fb and if I was okay. I wrote back that I’m well but just scaling back on social media. His response? That he was sad I blocked him and that he would never let my ex use him to stalk me and that he wanted me to feel safe. Strange….especially considering I haven’t talked to him in over 2 months and never told him I was being stalked!!! Wth?? Another lesson learned, although I already knew the answer…
I’m happy to know your ex doesn’t return to the scene of the crime, but still creepy he even kept tabs on his ex wife for so long. As research shows, they always keep tabs. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to wrap my mind around this. Going through this process, I discovered my ex has been obsessed with me since high school, 20 yrs ago! It’s really sick to me to think he intentionally got me to fall in love with him and had been planning. If he hasn’t given up in 20 yrs I can’t see why he would now.
Gross. That’s the word that always pops into my mind when I think of these men. GROSS!! It’s gross what they do, it’s gross that we shared ourselves with them, it’s gross what they are capable of.
Thank you for your words. I am trying me best to stay strong. I was feeling so much better and hate the feeling of being out of my body again.
TDS79
Why have you not spoken to your ex in the past month? Was it your choice or his?
It’s interesting people are contacting you..you think he has something to do with this?
Is he afraid of something you will do or say, therefore is trying to find out what he can?
I believe the no contact and the separation is your best bet, but may not be a solution immediately. It will take time. It would only set you back further if you started to communicate with all these people. Are your mutual friends contacting you by phone or email/fb? No contact must continue with them as well but perhaps you can block them on fb? And definitely it is not helping you when you hear from these people, it’s a form of speaking to him..
I can’t say I have been in this exact situation but makes me wonder if he is stalking you and wants to know what you are doing?
Jandoe
I went NC in July and he began stalking and threatening me. That’s when the strangers and friends started contacting me it was at its worst then. His best friend even messaged me threatening that “The date is set”. His abusive love/hate emails seemed endless. I found an app that would make it seem like I blocked his emails. The first time I used it, it forwarded an entire correspondence I had about his email I was blocking. The correspondence addressed his cycles of stalking behavior, his threats, when to call the police, me going to counseling, etc. He wrote me back saying he thought it was funny and stopped emailing. I found it my saving Grace and have slowly started feeling better every day, although I still live in fear more often than I’d like.
On Facebook I put all of our friends on restricted access they can’t see what I’m posting or what I’m up to. The strangers who have contacted me are obviously connected to him I’v even received messages with a picture of him and another woman saying, “Is this who he was cheating on you with?” and a message that said “Is he f**king men too?” The messages are disturbing. They don’t happen as often as they used to and I’m able to better ignore stranger contact. My ex seems to have a pattern when he’s upping things. The mutual friends that contacted me yesterday contacted me within the same hour (one over text and one fb message). I don’t hear from them usually. One said he had something he had to tell me regarding my ex. It could be coincidence they both contacted me but I don’t trust them anymore and don’t think I’ll respond, I can’t decide. He’s had friends contact me in the past and it’s painful. Them contacting me has sent me down the rabbit hole again.
I was thinking his friends contacting me had to do with making me miserable. His stalking has calmed down but after reading your response it occurred to me that he’s probably still at. I feel like I’m in denial sometimes. I’ve taken security measures at home. I still watch my back. I’ve talked to my counselor about my safety and how protecting myself will most likely become a lifestyle, not just temporary. In the meantime I’m working on how to balance watching my back while living my life. That’s why I’ve reached out here”I just want tools to help myself and so many woman here have the experience, you know?
I’m convince he’s going to kill me, paranoid as it sounds. I told my family and friends if they see me on the news as a missing person, even if years from now, that they know who did it. People don’t think that’s funny. The thing is, I’m not joking.
I’ve been keeping up with your situation lately…my spath broke up with me at the end of May and then turned on the charm super strong. His “Love” now makes me feel gross. These men are so screwed up! I’m so sorry you are going through this…
TDS79
this is pretty new for you as well as me..this all started in june for me
i understand your concern for the stalking because if he did it in july, why wouldn’t he do it again? do you think he is capable of harming you? or is he just looking to keep tabs on your whereabouts?
why would anyone he knows send you messages about what he is doing and with who? is he not a likeable person maybe? i am not sure either whether i would respond to those two messages yesterday…in a way its a little eerie that they are taunting you that way..sounds like he has some enemies? if you respond will this person tell the truth to you and will it set you back further from how you are doing now? certainly you will want to respond once that person replies back to you and so on…
yes yes yes take security measures just in case…i think all the friends contacting you all ties into him wanting you back…dont fall for it!!! he sounds creepy and dangerous and you would know best especially if you don’t doubt he would kill you!!! has he threatened you before? is there anyone in your neighbourhood or near you who could watch out for your house and surrounding while you aren’t there? maybe look for suspicious people around your house?
mine is across the world so at this moment in time i don’t fear my safety and he isn’t contacting me continually like yours is…he is no good for me but his danger to me is mostly in his lies, cheating and unkept promises, false identities and sleeping with women and seeing nothing wrong with it and the most evil he’s done…marrying someone behind my back while being strongly involved with me, making promises to move near me just weeks before dropping his bomb on me, spending a week together at this time and looking for homes and jobs here and planning his future with me…
I’m sorry you are put in this dangerous situation, be careful! you have come to the right spot to get support and guidance and some good advice 🙂
janedoe,
I don’t believe he’s ever stopped stalking, he just stopped emailing. The stranger contact still happens, just not as often. He is a very likable man, with some enemies. I believe the strangers are actually him with fake profiles and he tries to get messages across. One stranger even sent me a message correspondence between him and another female talking about him needing to come to my house to contact me. I wrote back “If he or anyone he’s associated with comes to my house I’ll call the police. Do not contact me again.” and I blocked her on fb so she couldn’t message again. As for the strange I talked to on the phone, it was clear she was trying to get information about what I would say about him. I think his friends are playing his game. I wrote one back and he said he would never let my ex stalk me through him. Funny thing is I never told him I was being stalked! It makes me sick. I need to stop contacting people back. I’ve gotten better at not responding, but still…
He has threatened me, although not directly. Just the “I can’t live without you” and his friend wrote “The date is set.” Things like that…My neighbors know, I have security at home, and my work knows.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure so much pain and so many lies. I know my ex was living a double life but I haven’t put together all the pieces and doubt I ever will. I think your situation would have thrown me over the edge. Heck, I already feel over the edge. I’m glad he’s a far distance from you and hope that will help your heart to heal.
Our situations are all so similar, yet different. It’s like they have a play book they modify depending on their women and situations. They are all dangerous, but the danger they have on our hearts and well being is the worst. Thank you for your support. 🙂
TDS79
I’m not sure if this will help but… my ex path stalked several women’s profiles on fb for years. When I left him and he started the love bombing to get me back, I sent a private message to all these girls asking what and how they knew him, I needed to know if my suspicions were correct and if they were then I wanted them to know he had been a married man for 14years. Not one single one of them responded? I felt like I deserved to know and by this stage I needed my instincts validated as the only thing that would help me heal my wounded self worth. Now I truly understand that no response is sn answer in itself, it still pisses me off that he had that much power over them that they’d never even consider the closure I needed to move on. Do you think that some of these people may need the same validation that I went searching for?
It doesn’t surprise that he stalked women for years on fb, although it’s definitely confirming! I went to high school with my ex and the first time he asked me out was on fb. That says something, right?! All of this stranger contact…it’s him with fake profiles (a ton of them) and he somehow involves other people. It’s like there’s some under ground social media creeper page or something. I wish I could figure it out!
I often think about the other women that have been in his life. I know they still keep in touch. I reached out to one of his exes. He had told me she hated him — she caught him living a double life. Her response to me was to trust my instincts but she was still in contact with him and couldn’t promise me she wouldn’t tell him. Months later she did tell him. When I contacted her I didn’t know all I do now, I was just curious about his lies…It doesn’t surprise me none of his women responded to you. We are the lucky ones that see the light, or at least that’s what I tell myself. How could these women turn their heads?! Although as we know, we have done the same at one time or another. F’ them and their abusive roller coasters!!!
I don’t think all women WANT the validation. They want to feel special maybe? To be honest I don’t know what the hell they want. Maybe they’re just not in the same place as us? I thought my ex’s ex would for sure help me and instead she was cold and shared my message with him. And she KNEW he lived a double life on her!! Knowing what I’ve gone through, I could see the possibility of women responding, but sharing with him like she did?!
I’ve been so successful maintaining NC with him. It’s been a blessing. But the strangers/friends….ugh.
TDS79
“Underground creeper page” makes sense to me although I’d never find it…
They have so much power over all of us? I don’t get it?
My path had a 7 year affair with a young girl and manufactured a complete other life to keep her hooked. She, and I, eventually found out the whole story and she had been just as deceived as I was. Not once did I blame her and the whole time I was very protective of her. We chatted quite often and she knew I was horrified at the lies he’d told her to hook her in and keep the affair going for so long. She ended up telling him everything I’d said, told him I was crazy abd forwarded all our private conversations to him – she turned on me! I don’t understand that sort of power?…
undertheradar,
I’ve been thinking about your response and the woman who had the affair with your p. I believe you do understand that power. You were manipulated so much and so was she. Maybe you were just father along in the process than her? Maybe she is more easily convinced and an unhealthy person. It’s possible he dug for info from her and he used her words from you conversations together to convince her you’re crazy, so disclosed all. That’s what they do, they use us against ourselves and others. Or maybe he was using her to play games with you. As we know, the possibilities are endless and we need to accept we’ll never know. Easier said then done, I’m not even completely in that mindset yet.
It reminds me that my ex would constantly say horrible things about our friends and I didn’t understand it. I’m normally not a person to talk poorly about people, but looking back I definitely took part in his conversations about our friends. It hurts my heart to think that he’s most likely repeated everything I’ve said. Most likely with added lies…
TDS79
Yes you are probably right, in fact I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! I am way further along than she is and she also lacks the wisdom of age… the path told me that she thought I was creepy because I was so protective of her? Long boring story but I never said anything horrible about her and always defended her when the path was trying to convince me why she meant nothing to him (FOR 7 YEARS!) Which means my conscience is clear.
I think, the people we are versus them, means we’re more likely to talk in defense mood than “bag people out” mood. I know that the only time I discussed other people with my path was when they’d said something that hurt my feelings or just couldn’t step outside a situation a view it from other possibilities. I’m glad that I don’t have anything that he can use against me although I suspect he’s made stuff up to get people on his side…
TDS79,
It sounds like your situation is complicated and that there are several interrelated issues you need to manage.
A woman’s intuition has proven to be very accurate in predicting danger from an abuser. Your intuition that he may try to harm you physically is important, and staying safe is a priority. If you think analytically about it, you may come up with some concrete reasons
whoops…comment got posted before I finished, so continues here:
…some concrete reasons why he may want to kill you, for example in what ways would he be better off if you didn’t exist, is he obsessed with controlling you (ie if he can’t ‘have’ you he doesn’t want anyone else to). I also found myself telling my closest friends if anything ever happened to me, look closely at my ex spath.
A couple of resources that helped me are The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker, and this high quality free threat assessment tool: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ These can help you sort out your thinking and clarify what are the best things to do to stay safe.
Grey Rock is a technique the victim can use for decreasing a spath’s focus and interest in her. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ This article can help give you some ideas about how your spath thinks, what he is likely to do, and how he is likely to react to what the victim does.
Another issue you’re dealing with is social media and the stalking through others, and how it negatively affects you to have interactions and contacts. You might consider limiting your real interactions and socializing with a few trusted close friends, and not say anything of importance to anyone else. If anyone else calls you, fishing for info or otherwise, don’t give any info about anything important, just give vague answers that don’t contain any information.
Have you considered reporting the stalking to law enforcement or getting a restraining order? In many cases this makes things worse, but worth considering if it might help. You should keep a copy of all emails from him and a written log of every contact by him or by someone else who seems to be working for him. Spaths are good at and often do manipulate others to stalk, pry, abuse, whatever, for them.
It would be best if you minimized or eliminated your presence on Facebook and other social media, if possible. Don’t post anywhere, don’t update your profile or add any posts to your page, for awhile. Or you could post that you’re leaving FB due to being too busy to keep up with it or something like that that won’t feed your ex’s obsession with you. Every contact he has with you that has emotional content for him or he perceives for you, feeds him. Even though you’ll miss FB and some friends, it may be worth it to have a bit more peace of mind and less worry about interacting with your ex and his henchmen.
Thank you, AnnettePK. Your support of me over the past fews months on this site have been truly valuable to me. I just posted on Ladywithatruck’s response to my situation. It tells my whole story and I would love if you read it. Please let me know your thoughts. My intuition is screaming at me!!! I keep trying to downplay my feelings and situation. It’s not working. I’m trying to take care of myself and be healthy. I’m so much more grounded then I was a few months ago and even find myself happy. But he’s always there….
I wish I could make this all go away. Guess first thing first, get off of FB, right? I’m so angry with him that my life has become this…I want to do what I want to do!
AnnettePK,
I responded to your email before I saw your whole post…guess you could say I’m wrapped up in my situation tonight!:)
Thank you for your comments. I did go to the police this summer but they were less than helpful. Initially I decided with my counselor not to pursue a restraining order because it felt more unsafe. We’ve been discussing pursuing t more lately but now that he’s not emailed for a month it makes things difficult. Stranger contact, random crated accounts in my name, etc cannot be tied to him. He’s so covert. It’s frustrating. He knows how to get around the system, for sure.
Gavin de Becker…even if I could find the resources, I wonder. I have a long log and have documented. I carry it with me. I have the emails printed out from college in 1997…somewhere. There are police reports from a few of years ago, I’m sure. But when you look at all of it, it seems like it wouldn’t be connected. But I know it is. I’ve gone through thinking I’m crazy to realizing this is happening. I find myself going back and forth. NO WAY this is happening! I just want to be a normal happy me.
How did this happen to me? All of us??
TDS79
Even when our sociopaths dump and discard us, many times it’s not like they really let us go. For those who are totally abandoned by a sociopath, you are TRULY blessed.
I used my ex’s affair to push through my divorce. I could not have done it if he hadn’t been telling her and others how I wouldn’t let him go. He HAD to maintain his scam, she was bigger fish.
But if he wasn’t busy with someone else, I would NEVER have been able to go NC and sever our marriage. It would not have been a safe thing for me to do. In my ex’s mind, once I was his, then it was up to him what he did with me. He thought My freedom was HIS choice.
Lots of great advice on here. But we who know our abusers must take care and make a PLAN. Sometimes what works for another could trigger a Different dangerous predator.
ps I ended up moving 2000 miles away and off the grid. Granted, I was a total basketcase and hid, scared and paranoid. But I slowly found my old self again, learned how to make a fortress and multiple warning systems. I am not safe, I am SAFER. I know better than to ever count myself safe. He and his entire clan hold grudges for generations. I watched my ex get even on someone 20 years after the guy made a silly comment. My ex never forgot. He just bided his time until the opportunity come up. That’s why I don’t tell people to do this, and this, and that. We each have to decide our plan. Hopefully plan because if we merely react, they win; they know they goaded us into the reaction they wanted. I did learn to let my ex think as he pleased (a trick btw, that he taught me).
I saw this on Psychopath Free this morning and wanted to share. It really sums up how it went with me.
Psychopathic Dosing: Small and temporary resurrections of the idealize phase to keep the victim under his/her control.
How it works:
1. Draw victim in with idealization/flattery
2. Victim becomes hooked to the idealization/flattery
3. Start to abuse the victim (typically begins with small, subtle criticisms)
4. Victim tries to remain easy-going and flexible, determined not to react.
5. Escalate the abuse
6. Victim reacts and might try to stand up for themselves.
7. Dose the victim with just enough idealization (Step 1) to distract from the abuse
8. Victim forgives/absorbs the abuse.
9. Repeat 1-8, over and over again.
10. Abuse continues to get worse and worse, and less dosing is required because the victim’s boundaries are slowly being destroyed.
I can relate. .
HanaleiMoon
I think this is a variation of my story, esp the last part of #10. (my ex did not idealize or flatter me, so that wasn’t my hook. my ex hooked me with my desire to live a life of honor and integrity in a secure salt of the earth family. except they was merely their image, that wasn’t reality. That family actually didn’t get along with anyone.)
My boundaries were so completely destroyed that I had to re-learn to make them, and to feel that I was entitled to have boundries. That I CHOSE my boundries. And that having boundries was NORMAL. In fact, all of my “needs” that my ex husband ridiculed and invalidated were NORMAL.
The biggest validation of all… that I am NORMAL.
Wow, this is spot on. I didn’t even know I was being abused until the relationship ended and still have difficult figuring out how he abused me so quickly without my knowledge. This helps. Thank you for sharing!
Oh, TDS79, I know how you feel. If you would have asked me then, I’d have said (probably) he wasn’t as nice to me as he could/should have been (cringe), but that I was proud (double cringe) that I didn’t run, but demonstrated that I wouldn’t run at the first sign of trouble.
Of course, he put that idea in my head, when he told me that his second wife, when they were dating, said “I don’t have to take this” and walked out”only to come back crawling and apologizing. RED FLAG!
Honestly, I’d say the abuse started almost immediately with me. I just thought he was not used to dating (that’s a laugh) and off kilter, since his second wife had passed away a few months earlier. Since we worked together, I pretty much think he had me so figured out I was toast.
We’re smarter now.
HanaeiMoon,
At least we’re not alone! I was toast too, considering I knew him from high school and we shared friends. Looking back, he started on the abuse right away! When we first went out, I had been very cautious of men since my divorce 5 years earlier. On our 2nd date I remember telling him, “I don’t usually date men like you.” He begged me to give him a chance, so I did. I was finally ready for a relationship and knew I didn’t give men chances enough. He knew that and little did I know that he used my own words/emotions/experiences against me.
Looking back at those RED FLAGS and my gut feelings, I can’t believe I let him wrap me in so quick.
I can’t help but think how fortunate we are. I’m so happy we are free of them! At least as free as we can be at this moment…
What happened to his first wife? Do you know the truth about his second wife, did she really die, how did it happen? or do you only know his story?
He divorced his first wife when the kids were small, she is remarried for many years and lives nearby. His second wife died of cancer”she was ill for about a year. We worked in the same department since I was second in command, I was elected to attend the memorial service on behalf of the company. She’s dead all right.
H Moon,
Thanks for your reply. I was also wondering if there was a chance that he might have contributed to her death, but sounds like you were around and know for sure she died from cancer.
That’s exactly what my experience was at the hands of my ex P.