UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Very true hanalei
In my 20 years I became accustomed to his treatment. In the end I truly believed I was “the crazy one”. My ex often made statement and then later insisted he never said that. I questioned myself , did I hear those words or imagined that. How cruel is that to play mind games with the person who you promised to love and honor, the person who gave birth to your child?
It’s amazing how long it took me to be able to think freely again? Before I always made sure I said the correct things and not try to offend him in any way. In a way I am glad he has a new victim. I don’t feel any pity for her as she knew he was married when she started the affair with him. I am sure she could not resist the hotness of Cpt America.
Little did they realize that it was the best present they could ever make me. And does he really think that a woman who is willing to destroy a family would make a good partner / wife? But that’s their problem now. I am free of his abuse. I don’t miss nothing about him.
kaya48
ME TOO! In fact, I had gotten to the place where I was scared, thought I was forgetting stuff. So I started keeping a secret journal and wrote down times/dates/people and what happened. I was terrified that I was getting early alzheimers. When I started dreaming the same things that happened when I was awake, I was certain I was losing it. I never dreamed he was messing with my reality… until my journals starting showing that I wasn’t forgetting at all. HE was saying things did/didn’t happen, were said/not said. I even recorded him so I had extra to write about (I was concerned with remembering correctly) Turns out I was remembering. HE WAS LYING so sincerely and convincingly and so sorrowfully that I believed him and dis-believed myself.
Let me repeat your exact words that also apply to me:
I am free of his abuse. I don’t miss anything about him.
Extreme gaslighting.
Annette
I am ashamed to say that the last years of living with my ex, I probably did seem to be mentally unstable. I was extremely depressed, doing an event would completely wear me out. I remember screaming at him, “The sky is BLUE!” and “I EXIST!”. But in my defense, I screamed those things as a response to nonsense carp that he did. I have them written in my journals but I also confess that I have tried to read them and end up sobbing for the poor confused me that used to be. They are quite depressing. I save them because if anything happens to me, they are 15 years of examples of patterns of behavior for me, and more importantly example of HIS patterns of behavior.
Also in my defense, I did not scream at others, and was courteous and respectful of others (except for his family, who I avoided or even flipped the bird at them, not nice I know but in my mind, I was not submitted to their demand that I “know my place”.) I was also wary of others since I never knew who/what (stranger to me but buddies with my ex) was going to attack me, verbally or physically. By physical, I mean townspeople who did weird stuff like push me off the sidewalk, lock the door so I couldn’t get into a store, tell me off that they felt sorry Ex married such a bitch, that kind of attack.
But people who did not know my ex had no problem with me, nor I with them. They didn’t feel “hostile” to me. It felt like everyone who knew my ex didn’t just not like me, they HATED me with a venom usually reserved for pedophiles and child abusers.
When I say I did not have LF, and it took me a LONG time to decide to live, that is NOT an exaggeration. This site is SO valuable, Lord knows it would have saved me years of agonizing emotional pain.
Not, I don’t think you should be ashamed to say you seemed to be mentally unstable. He intentionally manipulated and abused you in overt and subtle ways to get you to that point, and you said it yourself – you acted that way with him, not with others.
I can think of three times I acted so mentally unstable with my ex that it scared me. One, I have no recollection of what the situation was, the second was after the first discard, the last was at the time of the final discard. I didn’t recognize myself or how I was acting, I was just”losing it. I’ve never acted that way before or after. I now know that he drove me to it, intentionally, to use it against me.
Don’t be ashamed, and you don’t need to defend yourself. Your response was normal. It won’t be happening again. 🙂
Notwhat…
What horrible people! How dare they do those things to you based on the words of another? That screws with my mind! No matter what was said of someone I’d never treat someone so badly as to push them off a sidewalk – WTF is that? They say that like attracts like but that is scary to know he’d recruited an army of fellow paths to do that to you.
(In saying like attracts like, please don’t think that you are anything like him! Paths don’t marry paths nor do players marry players, they know our values are solid abd dependable so we are easy targets that don’t see it coming)
I feel for you sweetie. Those people doing his bidding are just low life thugs that would never know how to see out of their own tunnel of disaster – they’ll never know the gift of living nor would their lives be anything more than insignificant.
UnderTheRadar
I certainly didn’t like what they did but I understood it.
This happened in a small town, geographically isolated from other towns in the county. They had a local rule for any new town police chief, that he and his boys could apply the law but if they wanted to keep their jobs, there were certain families that were “hands off” The kids from those families learned that they were only accountable to the family boss. As they grew up, one of them became the family boss.
As you can imagine, you could write a book on the consequences. The people in the other small towns called these townspeople INBRED, not because of incest (although there was more than plenty of that occurring), but because of this bizarre mindset of entitlement. I certainly felt like it was “the Stepford Town”. It also made me feel like I lived in a town of vipers. My now ex is a king cobra snake but he wasn’t the exception. The kind of dynamic in that town encouraged sociopathic behavior in those who were so inclined. I learned all this the hard way.
The kids who were bullies and sociopathically bent did very poorly outside of this town and they’d return before their first semester of college. The others who had normal emotions escaped and never came back except for maybe funerals of immediate family, but not for high school reunions.
I can’t help but think if this exists in that small town, it must exist in other small towns, isolated and still run by the same families that built the town 150+ years ago. It’s bizarre stuff but… it really exists.
THEY are probably pedophiles and child abusers. (My ex spath is both.)
I did a lot of mentally unstable things, and was driven that way, but it sounds like you endured a lot worse of a situation than I did – sounds like a truly horrible nightmare situation. Did you move to this town to be with your ex, or did you grow up there?
So called mentally unstable behavior, when it is the result of abuse, gaslighting, etc, is a symptom of PTSD which is a NORMAL response to abnormal treatment. It would be abnormal to continue to behave normally when one is being mistreated in these extreme crazy making ways. Crazy making behavior is just that – it makes one crazy.
I would not have survived if I didn’t have access to good information on the internet about spaths. I had no frame of reference about the existence of the disorder.
My ex often made inappropriate comments to hurt me, such as after he overheard two women excitedly telling the bartender about their new place, he turned to me and said “I wonder if they play with each others (insert crude word for breasts) when they get home from work at night”.
We were having a nice cocktail in my favorite bar shortly after buying the house together and I was feeling especially warm and loving toward him when he laid that one on me.
I don’t have to tell you how it made me feel. Later, I mustered the courage to tell him it hurt me. He used his patent pending response: “I was probably just trying to lighten the mood since you are always mad about something”. Using “probably” implies that he didn’t really recall making such a statement, and the overall response blames ME for giving him a reason to say such a thing.
Now when I think of some of the things he did, he seems like such a pig, such a creep, that there is no doubt in my mind that I was chemically addicted and manipulated, or else I would have slowed the car down in the worst possible neighborhood, reached across him, thrown the passenger door open and shoved him out and drove away, never looking back.
We need to be in a position and situation in our lives where we can and will walk away forever from someone who says stuff like that after no more than 3 times. once could be a misunderstanding, twice could be a mistake, the third time is a pattern of behavior and time to invoke boundaries.
AnnettePK
Very important statement! I’ll be using that one – a pattern of behavior….
Hanalei
You have a remarkable ability to make me smile through tragedy 🙂 he’s a prick and would never know what he had.
My friends on LF
I just started reading the book “The gift of bettayal by Eve A Wood”. Very interesting. The first chapter reads ” you can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can blame him, or you can learn about yourself and move on , you can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die , you can choose joy, light and love…..,or remain bitter.” Looks like a very good book for healing purposes and that is what we all need. 🙂
I will have to go get the book
taralav, if you get onto the Amazon site, you’ll see they don’t just sell you cheap kindle versions of great books like this, but also provide a free kindle app for your PC so you can read them without a real kindle.
Caution: once you have an online account with Amazon, you can purchase many items with their One-Click feature, and the books instantly fly into your PC for reading. This makes it ALL TOO EASY to Click on more books than you could possibly read! 🙂 So my advice is: buy one mystery, one steamy romance, one old book you recall from childhood, and one self-help book — then STOP, lol, as it’ll be 2015 before you get to them all, and you can always restock later.
Oh, gosh, isn’t Amazon just the best? I don’t have a kindle but I use the app on my iPad and phone. You can stop reading on the iPad and pick up where you left off later on your phone.
It’s just the best. You are right, NoContact, it’s too easy to get carried away!!
Thanks for the tip, kaya, I just got the kindle edition.
TDS79 and any other ladies here concerned for their safety
http://ladywithatruck.com/free-download-stay-safe-while-in-or-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/
Never doubt your gut instincts; if you feel your ex could harm you; he is quite capable of harming you, believe me. They do not have a conscience and you are out of their control now, you know things about them they do not want anyone else to know about. The number one thing that scares these guys is being exposed for who they really are, and you my dears, have the power to do just that.
After my brake line “wore through” 3 times, and all the lug nuts on my wheels were loosened to the point my wheels almost fell off and I blew a tire going 110km on the freeway 5 minutes after he text messaged to be careful; I had no doubt he could kill me. I told him straight up, “if something happens to me or my dog you will be the first person they come looking for.” and then proceeded to go back to him when he came begging for one last 2nd chance.
A mechanic found a tracking device on my truck quite by accident. I never would have known that is what it was. It was tiny, no bigger than a stubby nail. I asked how long it would take for someone to attach it to my truck and he said basically a person can be walking past and slap it under a vehicle in seconds. Once he had that on my vehicle he would have known where I lived and worked. Then my work got an anonymous call from a “concerned” citizen who said I had been seen drinking my fav coolers, and doing crack cocaine, in the company truck in the Husky gas station in broad daylight. I almost lost my job, but when they told me which gas station I realized it was 5 minutes from my home and I said, “IF I was doing drugs and drinking why would I do it in a busy gas station when I live 5 minutes away and could go home and do it in the privacy of my own home?” They had to agree.
I live in a strata type resort and the management board started getting anonymous complaints about the fighting coming from my place late at night. There was no fighting, I told them to tell whoever was complaining to call when it is happening so they can come and listen for themselves, I told them, you don’t have to worry about being woken up in the middle of the night because it isn’t happening. I almost got evicted.
You can not put anything by them.
My ex put a tracking app on my phone, I was not answering any calls from numbers I didn’t know but I got a new job and had to start in case it was business. I didn’t answer a call one morning and called the number back from the Husky gas station (the same one the mystery caller said I was seen doing drugs and drinking)parking lot. I got his voice mail and immediately hung up. But there is an app they can get where they call your number, even if you don’t answer, if you get no other calls in between when you call his number back he is hooked up to your phone and can track where you are, listen to your phone calls, read your texts and get this………even if your phone is not on he can hear what you are saying even if you are having a conversation to someone not on the phone. He can also see your pictures etc
As for friends calling etc. You do not know what he is telling them, they may not know they are setting you up to be murdered. He could be crying about how much he loves you and he just wants to see you one last time to tell you how much he loves you and asks them to ask you to meet them and he will go in their place.
Do not meet him or any one else anywhere.
I don’t want to scare anyone but better scared than sorry. Please download the safety plan and put it into practice. No guarantees even then but you have a chance. There are things in it like always back your car into the driveway and make sure you have fuel in the tank that way if you have to escape him one night you can drive straight out and will have the fuel to get away. Scarves can be used to strangle you or tie you up.
Everyone should be very aware of safety measures at all times and never let your guard down. 70% of domestic homicides happen AFTER the victim leaves the abuser and the leading cause of death in women is domestic homicide, topping cancer and auto accidents.
Thank you for this valuable information, LadyWithATruck, it is much appreciated.
Our bodies themselves tell us what we need to know when we feel panicky, anxious or unsettled around a spath: Run Away! there’s something wrong with that person.
It’s up to us to listen.
Ladywithatuck,
Your story is beyond word!! When I first started being threatened/stalked I had everything checked, although still worried about my car. He just seemed to know where I would be! I spoke to my work and they let everyone know that if a man or even a woman (he’s not beyond that) contacts me to not give information and pass on messages. I’m so sorry to know that he’s tried to destroy you so much…bottom line, he hasn’t succeeded!!!
I’m sure my ex gives pity stories to some and hate stories to others. He has some nice friends and friends that are criminals. He knows people who are loyal and would do things. That scares me.
I’m hoping you or some other people can give me some insight on here. I’ve been holding back some about why I’m so scared. This might get long…. I’ve shared that we went to high school together 20 yrs ago. We had mutual friends (some of which are the ones contacting me) and I thought he was a creep so didn’t talk to him. He’s very charismatic now. A friend asked me a few months ago if maybe he was obsessed with me in high school, after I told my friend how he continually gets revenge on people, even from back then. So I mentioned that In March (we were still together) he sent me a picture of me and my prom date (who he hates) that he randomly found in his condo. I didn’t think much of it then. He would also tell me how he thought I was a bitch in college and hated me because I wouldn’t say hi to him in the hallways. I didn’t even know we went to college together. My counselor says this is stalking behavior alone. Here’s the kicker….
I told my counselor that I’ve had 2 previous stalkers and never figured out who they were. One was an email stalker in college (that was the fist year my school started school email addresses). The messages were all love mixed with hate. They were constant. I told campus security and they put a stop to it. A few years ago, someone was entering my house for 3 months, despite me changing locks, etc. I would come home from work to find things moved around, lights on and all my locks unlocked. Considering my circumstances there was no way I would leave my windows and doors unlocked! The police, my family and friends, although supportive, I’m sure thought I was crazy. I was afraid to leave my house, took self defense and finally got an alarm system. The first time I left my house with my alarm I drove not even 10 minutes away and it went off. The police came, no one was there. My stalker stopped. To this day, present circumstances aside, that was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever gone through.
After telling my counselor this, not even thinking it could be him, she suggested there’s a chance it was him. That he has a pattern in and out of my life every few years, where he shows up, etc. He even invited himself (via social networking) and came to a Halloween party I threw with my ex husband. Again I didn’t think much about it. My counselor says we don’t KNOW for sure BUT it’s a big possibility my unknown stalkers were HIM. She tells me I should focus on where I am now and my safety. The past is in the past and it’s his patterns and what I’m doing for myself now that counts. I know she’s right. It’s still weighing on me. I felt threatened by him before I even made these connections.
I’ve searched online for stories of women being stalked for years and then romantically pursued by the same man and can’t find anything. Surely I’m not the first? Even if he wasn’t my internet and home stalker, he still was obsessing…the picture and college stories say enough.
Have you (or any LF readers) ever heard of a situation like this? Being pursued for years (20 in my case) before a relationship?
Here is a story of someone stalked for 17 years, I haven’t read it yet. http://www.today.com/id/46202443/ns/today-today_news/t/woman-stalked-years-i-dont-think-its-over/
Your description of the situation sounds to me like you have good reason to be worried. If you have the resources, it might be worth consulting a professional, like Gavin deBecker’s company http://gavindebecker.com/ or another one like it, for help in managing your situation.
ladywithatruck
What you describe is how I was almost murdered. My ex invited me to discuss our divorce and he’d also help me with an upcoming court case against a third party. I knew he’d been a jerk to me but he had his girlfriend, I departed quietly and his image was preserved. So I didn’t think he had a reason to harm me anymore, I was giving him everything he said he wanted. But I drove into an ambush, driving to my former home, on a one lane dead end road, where his family surrounded me and I was trapped and beaten for sport. I knew they had crossed the line and that I wasn’t going to be allowed to leave. My bruises would show a pretty rough assault. I also knew we had farm equipment that we used to bury dead cows within a few minutes. But… that day a truck driver was late delivering his last load, he’d had a breakdown. ANd he drove up and was a witness to my assault. The SECOND that happened, the whole dynamic changed. I got away, drove away, reported the crime, and never ever will go back. They got away with what they did to me because the local law decided I was a disgruntled wife who was mentally unstable and a liar. But at least I have the report logged on so it could never happen to another woman without raising a red flag.
Your last paragraph was true for me. I had left. I had thought he got all he wanted and I was safe. Instead, I was played for a sucker once again and nearly paid for my failure to protect my safety. You write a VERY smart warning. If the truth scares people, that’s better than being wrong… and dead.
Not, this just breaks my heart. I’m so glad you are here to share and be our friend!
Other than being hit that one time, my abuse was limited to mental, emotional and financial. I learned later that his family had varying degrees of knowledge of what he really was, from clueless to pretty aware, and while no one helped me, I was always welcomed by them with open arms and treated well.
You make a point that can’t be emphasized enough: it is NEVER safe to think they don’t have a reason to harm us anymore. Even when we give them everything they say they want and more.
When I think of what a skillful puppet master my ex was – playing me like a fiddle. You know those faces on a stick that court jesters have with a happy face on one side and a bad face on the other? That was him – he could flip from loving, happy partner to smoldering, calculating and evil several times a day. I used to try to figure out what I did to make him “angry”. Nothing. He did it for sport. The more it hurt me, the better. If it devastated me and reduced me to shaking and crying, all the better, since he could then flip again and be my rescuer.
I am reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker”if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. Period.
HahaleiMoon
You don’t know (or perhaps you actually do, LF members are the one group who would know) how very much your words mean to me. I was a slow learner! It took me years to grasp the depths of my abuse. Years of my ex feeling sorry for himself married to me, comforting me when I cried because he settled for less, and I was the less he settled for. Told that I was worth less than nothing. Told that despite first impressions, anyone who got to know me wouldn’t like me, that they were nice to me as a favor to him. If I hadn’t grown up used to being alone, I think the isolation would have done me in. Funny how neglect was actually good for me. No pity though. I did learn and I am no victim. I also had a good 18 years between leaving home after highschool and marrying my ex, a time when I contributed to something that changed the world of medicine in a very public way. So I did wonder, I was the one whom certain Drs fought to be a part of their team, how did I become such a nothing… And the answer is one tiny bit times 100,000 times, with nasty calloused abuse that was once in 10 years, then more often until it was 3-4 times a week. He simply tore me down, and did a lot of the betrayals by using my daughter, my dearest love, the one whom I married him, thinking I was going to give her the childhood I never had.
Anyhoo, thank you for saying I had something worth sharing. I think the same over and over, as I read others sharing the same thoughts and experiences. You know the truth now… that you could have been PERFECT and the outcome would be no different. Like Annette says, I will never be so tied to another that I won’t leave them if they cross my particular boundry. I know it will hurt, but not near as much as giving them more time to destroy me. I’m not a quitter (part of the reason I tried so hard) but I am no longer ever letting someone make me into their doormat.
Not, like you, I had a good life when I met my ex. I had an amazing career in a traditionally male dominated field and was killing it”second in command in a large department in a lovely coastal area, working on very public projects, a lot of public speaking and face time with the press. I was well liked and loved my job, and contemplating staying there until retirement. (He fixed that.)
The only thing missing was a partner in life. Like I’ve said before, I was a sitting duck since he was able to observe me at work and knew what made me tick to a large degree.
One time he said to me – when I met you, you couldn’t even carry on a conversation, and now look at you! I remember turning my head away and making this incredulous face to myself, thinking, are you kidding me? I guess THAT’S why I’m the one on the evening news representing the company. But I overlooked it.
Like you, I am no quitter and that is part of the reason I tried so hard. In my case, he knew that about me and exploited it. I lost a lot, and I learned a lot. My life will never be the same, but it can be good, and maybe even better.
I told my ex spath in the midst of ‘arguments’ (created by him) that if I were Jesus Christ and Mother Theresa combined, it would make no difference in his behavior.
I also knew that my first husband was very happy by all accounts to be married to me; and that the spath had a first failed marriage. It was difficult but I hung on to these facts through the spath’s abuse, devaluing, discard, etc.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2014/07/26/charles-blacks-failed-attempt-at-murdering-ex-wife-lands-him-in-jail-instead-of-on-easy-street/
This is a news story about a spath who lured his ex to a remote place and tried to kill her & make it look like an accident. She survived. The comments contain more similar accounts by other victims. I wonder how many spaths get away with murder, are never caught.
AnnettePK I bet we would be shocked to find out how many women (or men) have been murdered by their spath partner.
Years ago my ex met some guy with this great shop it was huge and he had a bunch of race cars. My ex had a “guy crush” on this guy and took me to meet him the guy needed yard work done and I was going to do it. I got to meet the guys wife. She was paralyzed from the neck down with 3 little kids. They got over a million in a court case. Her brakes had failed in their car and she had been paralyzed. Her husband had to quit his job to “care” for her he was in charge of everything and I felt so sorry for her. She looked so miserable. The house was a HUGE 3 story mansion and there was no elevator and no bedroom on the main floor so the house was not built for her it didn’t even have a ramp for her wheel chair and the driveway was gravel. She had a hell of a time getting out of the house. There was a piece of plywood down for her to wheel her chair. But he had a massive shop equipped with everything. I told my ex when we were driving away I felt sorry for her that he didn’t seem the least bit concerned for her. My ex was so enthralled with his shop he didn’t even hear me.
My brake line failed 3 times in the last 6 years of our relationship. I started locking my truck and sleeping with the key under my pillow so he couldn’t pop the hood and get at my brake line but then all the lug nuts on all my wheels were loosened and I had a tire blow up one day and sever my brake line.
He always used to say he had a life insurance policy on himself payable to me if he ever died but I never saw anything to prove it. I think he was wanting me to get an insurance policy payable to him and there was no way I was going to sign my own death certificate. Of course I stayed because I thought I was being paranoid. Then his sister came to stay with us and she saw everything going on and told me she was afraid to ride with me in my truck because she was sure he was plotting to kill me and she would end up dead just because she was in my company. It was then that I decided to move out I still struggle with believing he could actually do something like that. BUt I know it is a miracle that every time my brake line went I was on flat land and not going down hill or something. When my front tire went it was sheer skill on my part that saved us from going over a steep embankment. If I would have been killed or injured in a bad accident no one would have suspected him. i made his sister promise to not let him get away with it if I died by “accident.”
ladywithatruck
not to worry…we all know now that if anyone in saskatchewan is in any such kind of accident, we will come forward 🙂 its a good thing his sister feels that way as well because at least she has your back
and yes that poor woman who was paralyzed! who would not have sympathy for her position? was her husband an evil spath as well? of course yours had no interest in what you were saying about her, because his wheels were probably rolling in his head as to how he could work his magic on you…so very selfish.
i have to say that i have been reading your blog/website that you posted a few days ago and it is very interesting and i do enjoy reading the different situations of people on there and your great advice 🙂
So glad you survived! I also wonder how many women are killed or handicapped or made crazy by spaths who are never caught. I came to realize that my ex P is capable of ANYTHING if it suits his purpose and if he thinks he can get away with it. I have heard numerous accounts similar to the horror you went through from women who survived; and accounts of spaths being successful in harming someone and never getting caught.
I am very wary of my ex spath.
it’s been since the end of june that i left the spath fake rasta..i was getting on with my life, slowly but surely with the help of family and friends. i met someone new about a month ago, and boy i didnt think that it would happen all over again. thank god it only lasted a month and my intuition was up, triggers and signs started happening. His story was a divorced father of 2. that’s it, and i knew there was more, I started asking questions, he started avoiding them and turning the conversation around. it eventually came out that he lied from the beginning, he was still living with his ex wife after the divorce 6yrs ago! all for the sake of the kids and because he didn’t have a job or money to move out. we had a conversation 2 weeks back about cheating and relationships, and i admitted in my early 20’s i cheated on a boyfriend once. he said he never did, but when he spilled the beans about his divorce he also told me that they divorced because he cheated on her. i don’t even know what he is telling me is true, just like the last spath, he lied about stupid stuff like his car and why he was moving, he was lying about so many things now.
I told him about my last spath and what i just went through and how i wasnt out of that relationship for long and not sure i was even healed. he kept pursuing me acting like it was ok, we would take our time and take it slow. just another deceiver out their trying to get their ego stroked! selfish selfish selfish people out there. i even look back, although the last spath super love bombed me, i think this new guy was doing it subtly too, he told me everyday how beautiful i was how smart i was, how he was thinking of me everyday, he missed me all the time, blah blah blah. I also started seeing money issues too. thank you god that you made me trust my intuition this time. it sucks, i started to feel for him more lately but at this point it’s not about him anymore, my hurt is for humanity that creeps like this exist and think its ok to live a life like this.
Dear DownWithFakeRastas, my heart has also ached for Humanity and I’m sorry for recent experiences that have left you disappointed and discouraged.
Here is a true story in hopes of cheering you up. My daughter told me the other day that the photocopier at her workplace is nicknamed Bob, for Bob Marley. Why? Because he be jammin’. 🙂
ooops I just pressed “report comment” I didn’t mean to do that, but No Contact, I like your joke at the end it did put a smile on my face. I used to give my friends dog, galla,a fun nickname: bob barker, because she loved to bark….lol.
this new guy is contacting me again. he misses me, blah blah blah. i want to think we just started off on the wrong foot. but since he has started contacting me again, i notice my body reacting. im trying hard to listen to these signs. im getting hives and im itchy and i went through a horrible period with the ex spath where i always got hives like never before. im trying so hard to let my intuition rule but loneliness sometimes takes over it…..help!!!!!! arrgghhh i hate this!!!!!!!!!
downwithit
I hear ya and yes, this is a bummer. What a stinking troll.
But also can’t help but think how empowered you sound. You sussed him out before he could get dig in and destroy your well-being. You didn’t avoid, or ignore, or make excuses. You might not feel good about it right now, but halleluya woman, I think you are so frickin cool. Congrats. This is the way it’s supposed to work. Onward!
Hi all
Its me! Haha you’ll learn to recognize me with my posts but I’ve decided to change my user name to fly “under the radar” lol 😉
Taralev and everyone
I cannot put that book down. It is very good. It talks a lot about looking at it as the greatest gift in your life, how you can turn a discard and a betrayal around and take it as a true blessing. I already felt this way but the book just reinforces my decision for the divorce. Even though it was emotionally and financially challenging, it really gave me my life back.
I think when my ex did all these evil things to his family he did not see the consequences that came as a result. I don’t think he planned on losing the love his only child had for him. I honestly think he thought the divorce was going to be a walk in the park , a day at the beach. He had everything so nicely planned out and nothing worked in his favor. Oh he might still have the minion and his Cpt America label. And he has his freedom to be a pervert. Nobody putting spyware on his computer , no one checking telephone numbers on spokeo, no one putting family tracker on his phone. I am so glad I don’t have to listen to the lies and crap anymore. For once I feel like I am smart and I am worthy. And I know he did not deserve me or his son in his life.
TDS79
Wow your ex is really something…
He is certainly disturbed if l those “friends” contacting you are really him!! He reminds of someone in a movie sitting in his bedroom with a secret shrine of you, someone on “criminal minds”
If this goes as far back to college, the prom picture of you and your date, the fact you didn’t know he was in college with you, shows he has had ALOT of time on his hands to do his homework on you.
You mentioned your ex has lived a double life? What about him do you know?
You also said someone sent you a message saying “the date is set”…what do you think that means? A date that something should happen to you? Have you looked into a PI perhaps? Jeez just the facts that wrote in another message about your house being broken into and all the weird things he has done is enough to really scare you I’m sure.
Maybe the other women he has been involved with or are involved with him stay in touch with him because they are afraid of him? Maybe they know things? Such as the one you spoke with and she warned you but told him anyway you and she spoke?
I’m sorry but did you mention if you were married to him or just seeing him?
You have a lot on your plate to consider here that’s for sure…have neighbors seen anyone suspicious lurking around your house? Do you live alone?
I feel like I’m a private detective!! Lolol
Sorry so many questions I’m trying to put pieces together 🙂
janedoe,
Thank you for trying to help me put the pieces together! I’ve been a very unsuccessful PI over the past few months! Haha. We were not married. We were together for a little under a year. Seems insignificant compared to the long relationships most of you have had with these men. I felt comfortable instantly in the relationship because I had know him so long and we shared so many friends. How long were you with your ex?
I feel my saving grace for sticking the breakup was that he wanted to marry and I was suddenly faced with a situation to buy the house I’ve been living in for years or to rent somewhere else. I had been saving for a very expensive dream vacation for when I graduated grad school last spring. He convinced me to pay for his part so he could come (of course he would pay me back!). But he also kept procrastinating on the trip (but of course, it was a dream he needed to squash!). So when it came time for me to make a decision about buying my house or not I suggested we live together, after all he wanted to marry me! He said because it was his son’s last year in high school he needed to live only with him and the day his son graduated we could get married. We were planning to move out of the country together after his son graduated. It made no sense to me that we were planning to get married and move but that he wouldn’t live with me. He was the one that broke up with me during all of this drama and then immediately wanted me back. Sent 30-40 emails a day for a month. We made plans to meet to get back together and my gut started screaming at me!!!! I started researching and the lies started coming out.
I knew about his double life he led with his ex. I assume he told me because all of our friends knew. While he was with her he had another girlfriend for a year and she caught him. He told me they were apart for a year and he sought therapy to help him and that he would never do something like that again. Some months later he said randomly “I can’t ever promise to live a double life again” and then berated me and told me how stupid and crazy I was to react to that. I found out they had only been apart for a couple of months before me and that he’s a cocaine addict. How could I not know that he was an addict?? Argh.
I took “The date is set” as a death threat. He had been following me that night and made me aware of it through messages. As of now, no neighbors have mentioned anything strange that would connect with him. He’s covert in every way and that’s what concerns me. He knows very bad “loyal” people. I feel more threatened by strangers than I do b him.
As for the women, I believe they are still being manipulated by him. I just can’t imagine still speaking with a man that you discovered was leading a double life. Not that I can talk. Sure, we weren’t together long, but I knew he was a criminal, held grudges for decades and had lived a double life. No doubt he was living one with me. I am so thankful I was faced with buying my house and for my gut. Now I own my house, I’m grateful for that but also scared because he knows that I’m staying put for now.
NWHSOM
Does your ex have any idea that you’ve moved this far? I know he doesn’t know where you are but has he looked around or tried finding you that you’re aware of?
What kind I thing did he hold a grudge over that he had to get his revenge 20 years later?
You are right, each situation is unique and what may be good for one person may not work as well for another, in a situation like this, you have to go forward with extreme caution.
Funny how we learn from their stupidity isn’t it?
Mine once said to me “don’t worry I can get my way with this, I’m a good liar!” This was a situation he was in for a job interview I believe.
What a f****ing stupid thing to say because the reason we aren’t together is due to his lies, which he denies..but the fact he said he “knows how to lie well” is all he had to say to me and I will nvr forget. They let their guard down at times and they forget who they’re telling their secrets too…we shd thank them 🙂
We adopted our son when he was three from foster care. Now I look back after 14 years and see he had some of the sociopth characteristics at 3, which is called Reactive Attachement Disorder in children. He never learned from his mistakes. He did’t show love or remorse. I had to sneak a hug. He stole toys from neighbors. If someone asked me about adopting right now, I would say don’t.
Our son is 17 now and has left our home to live with his birth mom. In a way I am glad because he has been stealing money from us, lying, deceiving, addicted to pornography, having sex and listening to explicit music. He has not hit me, but he has been abusive verbally and emotionally. Once when he was 14 he held a kitchen knife up to me behind my back. I turned around to see him. He never has shown remorse. As a punishment for stealing $300 dollars this past month, by sneaking my debit card, I turned off his basic phone. After he first ran away to see his birth family, (who came and picked him up at school), he came back home and told me his birth family were going to give him a cell phone. He left a second time to see them again, and this time we did not call the sheriff to bring him back. They did give him a cell phone and some sort of used iPad tablet. He stopped going to school, which he failed last year.
I have all sorts of 14 years of fight or flight emotions swirling in my head, because I love him, but I am afraid he will come back. We changed the locks on our doors, to which he has no key. I don’t trust him. When he gets an idea in his head, he doesn’t stop till he does it. He is in a totally different environment now. So I know that if circumstances change and he begins thinking about hurting us or coming back to steal from us he will do it. He can be charming, and funny. He is 6 feet tall, 170 lbs and good looking. He is a good talker. I learned the hard way to never let my guard down. We didn’t learn he is a sociopath till this past year. I wrote a kindle ebook recently about our story. It’s on Amazon.com. “What We Didn’t Know About Attachment Disorder” by my pen name Lynn Pike. It was like therapy.
We consulted a lawyer about our son being 17 still legally responsible for him. She said we could not transfer custody back to his birth mom since it was taken away by the courts. We just have to wait till he is 18 and we will not be responsible anymore. I pray it will come fast. He still has some court appearances because of a peeping felony. Our son will come back for us to take him. There may be a full blown trial in a few months. We don’t know yet. The court system goes so slow. I don’t understand the operation. My husband says it isn’t very unorganized. We have already spent $30,000 + on him with private schools, and a one year therapeutic boys home, which didn’t help. We don’t have extra money now. Last week I read, if a teen is a sociopath placing them in places such as Boot camp schools can make it worse. THat happened to our son after he returned home from a year in a disciplined therapeutic boys school, where they worked on a farm everyday. Our son came back angry and has not let us forget what he went through working hard everyday. He said he deserved to not work and have fun now. Which is what he did. He refused to help out at home. He only did as little as possible if he wanted money.
This is the saddest situation. You have loved him and you have done everything you knew to do for him. It is heartbreaking, in many ways worse than a death. Whether he was born with a physical problem or whether the disorder formed due to experiences before he was 3 doesn’t really matter, I guess. Did you all ever try any medications or supplements?
If he knows that you and your family love him and would welcome him back into the family if he changed, you have done all you can do. It doesn’t matter whether he can’t or won’t change, the results are the same.
I believe you have other children, I hope that your family will find comfort in each other.
cherry
What a nightmare, trying to raise him and seeing that normal interactions have unpredictable outcomes.
Why does Boot camp schools make it worse?
I wrote before and shared my heartache about my now grown daughter. She is not a sociopath but she has some behavior issues. She did not appreciate anything, and was lying and not turning in her schoolwork and failing the 8th grade. (she did the work and had it in her backback but did not turn it in). So I did a little tough love, I “grounded” her from her room and put her in our unfinished spare bedroom with a bed/bedding and three sets of clothes and some books. The outcome? She was furious, enraged, how dare I do this to her. I wanted her to learn that she had things because I loved her, not because she was entitled. She did not learn that lesson at all. She decided not to care about anything so it wouldn’t matter if she was “grounded” from it.
You wrote about your son “gets an idea in his head and doesn’t stop until he does it”.
My ex, whom I believe is a sociopath because he ticks all almost all the boxes, is the same way. He is what I call single minded. In my objections to some of my ex’s behaviors, I used to cry, “Nothing Stops You”. He was single minded about revenge, even if it was for some unintended slight that someone accidentally did. Single minded about cheating, a form of revenge because it was punishment on me for something he decided I did. Sometimes I didn’t even do ANYTHING, but was punished because he “Knew me and knew I would do it, so preventing me didn’t change the punishment”.
How did the birth family get control of him? It clearly sounds like what my ex did to my daughter, undermined my authority and encouraged her bad behavior (get everything she could from me but not to care about hurting me) and alienated her from me.
Cherry, I am alarmed for your safety and the safety of your family. The boy you describe reminds me of the ones I see on tv that end the lives of their families.
Not
Yes, isn’t it amazing how they are all the same. The same crazy making and manipulating. My ex even told the judge that I don’t my medication for my mental illness as prescribed. Can you believe this? I am not taking anything but a blood pressure medication. My attorney said “we know you are cop, ex military , your own lawyer but now you are a psychatrist too?” Unbelievable.
People ask sometimes “don’t you miss him a little?” No, I dont. I don’t miss the bad times and I don’t miss the good times. Because nothing about him was sincere. Nothing was real and meaningful. To walk her from your family after you cheated is a cowardly act. To me and my son he is and always will be a loser. Someone we don’t want or need in our lives. He made his bed, he must lay in it.
Almost 2 years after the discard there are no more good memories of him. For 20 years he tried to make me “crazy in my head”. Like you I wrote down statements he made and later denied. I knew I was not going crazy but he tried soooo hard. Glad he got his minions to mess with now. Glad for my replacement. If they are smart they won’t put up with it for 20 long years. Good thing he cannot “create” any more children. No child deserves a “father /sperm donor” like him. Yuck. Can’t believe I was married to him for so long.