UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
I hope you are ok. These words are for you:
Remember and remind yourself that there is a blessing in every curse, and upside to every downside , a fresh possibility in every setback , and a future in every demise…..
Going through my nightmare I kept thinking ” I believe everything I think, there is a reason for this , I am going to be okay , in fact , I am going to be better off in the end .” Even though I was feeling awful, I chose to be hopeful and see the crisis as an opportunity to better my life. And the more I blamed myself (exactly what he wanted) I became more powerless and I turned myself into a victim. Focusing on what was done to me in the past won’t help my present. It’s done, finished and complete . I regained MY POWER by staying NO CONTACT. To make it all about him made me powerless. I focused on my healing. And only mine.
I hope you can do the same. Thinking of you today.
TDS79
I always thought if they are talking trash about people to us they are doing the same behind out back about us.
Like you mine was having an affair and it wasn’t our friends like you, but during the year he’d see her and myself, he spoke so badly about this other girl that I actually came to her defense because be said horrible things..he then told me if I continue supporting her he would run into her arms…he had me convinced he and she weren’t together during the past year by talking horribly only to turn around in June and deny all the horrible shit he’d said about her and was getting married ASAP. I guess I did chase him into her arms by defending her..(the dumbest relationship ever because he met her last summer while with me for two years, told me he’d met her but it didn’t last more than last summer, never saw her one time in the year since he’d met her but ended up marrying her)
Now I can imagine what he is now telling her about me…and I still love this person? I’m trying so damn hard to hate him for the awful situation he has put me in and everyone on her has been so helpful in leading me to see what he is 🙂
I hate knowing they are using our words to self serve! Please know, in NO WAY did you chase him into her arms by defending her. He was going to do what he was going to do. That has nothing to do with you. I try so not to be hard on myself, and through your words I am realizing how hard I still am on myself because I am reading how hard you are being on yourself. He put the thought into your mind that him leaving was your fault. Don’t believe him. This has nothing to do with you and all to do with him.
I hope our hears and souls heal sooner than later.
janedoe, the comment I just posted was meant for you.:) Just want to be clear, so much going on on this thread!
Hello ALL
Anyone know who recommended “Dream House”? I can’t find the post.
Not…it was Back_from_the_edge. I have seen the movie multiple times. I liked it because I love Daniel Craig.
Thanks SER,
I watched the movie and want to recommend it to others. I am confused why Back_From_the_Edge said he murdered his family. He didn’t. It’s a story about a man who was ACCIDENTALLY shot by his wife who was aiming at the real murderer.
The real murderer was the abusive ex husband of the neighbor across the street. The man who lost his family suffered a major disconnect because he was blamed for the crime but we discover what he eventually learns, that he was trying to save them when the unspeakable horror happened and left him horribly wounded, physically and mentally.
I loved the movie because his family came back to him in spirit form to save their daddy from the violent controlling neighbor’s ex husband. His family, in spirit form, helped him to regain his memory and helped him save the neighbor who’s husband, with his minion, was trying to murder her.
They had all judged the man (Daniel Craig) who lost his family as damaged, condemned him because he was unwilling to accept responsibility of his crime) because he couldn’t make sense why he had murdered the family he loved so completely. The final reveals why… it’s because he didn’t commit the crime. A psychopathic ex husband did it.
Kinda a validating movie, and not the horror of haunting that the preview implied. The little girls are darlings, reminding dad that their love is ALWAYS with him, as does his loving wife.
For those who want to avoid expense, check your library. Mine has a huge movie section and the ability to request from other libraries if they don’t have a copy.
Not…thank you so much for this! If you happen to read my comment to Back_from_the_edge, I did mention that the movie always confused me and looked to me like the neighbor’s husband had something to do with it?? At least I figured that much out. That was kind of obvious at the end. You figured it all out…thank you so much for explaining it!! It was always confusing to me and now I am going to watch it again as I think it is trending on cable right now and then I will be able to see it through your explanation.
TDS79
Thank you for your support and I don’t feel I drove him into her arms. He used to get off during sex when he spoke bad of her..I don’t know why, he doesn’t know why, but that used to excite him if I’d gone along with it. When I didn’t go along with it it probably ruined his “sexual excitement” and told me what he did…once we had finished any kind of sex he would revert back to this norm person and when I would ask him why he puts her down like that…he would admit she really is a nice girl and I don’t mean what I say to the full degree. Why would anyone but a f***er try to convince me all he had about her, then in the same evening go back on what he said about her but tell me he had no interest in her…all along he was planning a wedding, moving to her country, she came from a very poor family and he was moving in with her and her family in a small apartment?? He is 30 years older than her, I think it’s disgusting and then marry her and now she’s pregnant…I have days that I hate him but then I have days where I’m more upset than I shd be and I just want to hear from him. He had promised full contact and that I was always to be number one and he loved me so unconditionally that no one has what we had…someone I’d spoken to a 25 times a day anyway we could up to the very day he left to be with her and then like a switch turnin off I have heard maybe a few times since June and they’ve been responses to my emails only, a complete 360 degree turn around. I have expressed in great length over and over how I feel about him and still love him but its unacceptable what he’s done. But he knows as a normal person you don’t forget about loving someone in a day..I have told him I’m not into conniving immature high school games and for a man his age he’s very socially and mentally immature…he has responded but doesn’t defend himself only says he doesn’t know why he does what he does…he very rarely has ever defended himself when he’s been backed into a corner in the past when I’ve discovered his lies and cheating…so I imagine because he knows he can’t pull his crap with me any longer and I wouldn’t believe him he has forgotten the love we had and how he loves me unconditionally…I call this a conniving, sneaky con artist…
Oh jeez I’ve ranted on and on and told this story over and over…!! Am sorry about that!! Feels good though 🙂
janedoe
Your post does an excellent job of describing what is called “duping delight”. It’s a mind game that sociopaths do to their victim. I am SO happy for you to be free of him. What a piece of work.
NWHSOM
Thanks NWHSOM sometimes it may appear that I’ve gotten rid of him but deep down I truly miss him and can’t understand why I would
Does this “duping delight” still qualify him as a narc/sociopath/creepy man? Or do they do this subconsciously?? I will google this as well
Janedoe
There are many reasons why we miss them. Some have to do with the type of abuse we were subjected to. My ex did a lot of Stockholm syndrome carp to me.
Another reason is that in the beginning, sociopaths create an image and the image is so strong that we believe the image instead of the reality. Of course, when first meeting someone, it’s normal to put our best foot forward. But sociopaths don’t have a best foot, they have a script. My husband borrowed a lot from movies and tv shows. He knew what I wanted from a relationship, I told him. I was being honest and not wanting to waste his time if he was interested in glamour girl. I wanted a family man, community oriented, salt of the earth guy. So… he became that. Was easy for him because he’d duped several girlfriends before me with his awshucks demeanor.
When I realized what he was really about, it was so hard! The disconnect was mindblowing. I couldn’t understand why marry me when he knew we’d never work out. I didn’t know about ulterior motives of a sociopath then.
Kinda a long answer for you janedoe, but my point is, you want and miss the image he created in order to hook you. And it worked. He used YOUR hearts desires to capture you. So it’s a very emotionally deep attachment. I was able to eventually detach by continuously reminding myself of his TRUE nature, that he had the skin of my prince, but inside, under his skin, he had the character of a cold blooded predator. Kinda like a scifi movie where the outer space alien sheds his skin when he’s not around his prey.
Notwhathesaid Exactly!! mine also used the “awshucks” demeanor. He played the “small town saskatchewan boy” role with perfection. I felt something didn’t fit but couldn’t put my finger on it. For the first 1/2 of the relationship I believed he was honest as the day is long and a victim of being so trusting. haha Boy was I ever wrong!!
I too had a horrible disconnect, I truly thought he might have a brain tumor or something. I could make so many excuses for him.
I still have to remind myself of all the horrible things he did. I too, made it very clear from the beginning what I wanted in a man honesty community minded, sensitive my son was a huge part of my life etc and he played the role to a T until he had me.
By the end I saw him for what he was and he did little to hide it. Once he got with his new woman he played the role again with perfection, right down to how he talked to me even though he knew I knew better. He was driving my car and I wanted it out of my name in case he had an accident. the insurance ran out on it and he said to me he would never think of driving it without insurance on it.
When we were together he always drove without insurance and I had seen him a week earlier driving my car and the insurance had run out on it. They don’t care if you know the truth as long as you don’t expose their lies.
My ex also had set scripts he used he started to recycle his scripts with me we were together so long. It got to be comical when he used the same “apology script” that he had already used 2 times on me. Even so it was a battle for me to accept he was pure evil.
I used to think we were charitable people and community minded but when I looked back it was him setting things up and me following through with the work and the money. Everyone thought it was “us” because we were a couple so any money etc was from both of us but our money was always separate. If I gave it was out of my pocket not his. but he got the glory and got to look like the nice guy.
NWHSOM
Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me. I admit I even know what you’ve said I suppose it’s just my insecurities needing to continue hearing it. Even though there is no excuse for his behavior I find I’m always thinking of ways that he possibly is not this type of person and this is all a nightmare..is that normal for me to do?
An example would be that yes, at the beginning they put their best foot forward and other you to pieces with their words and promises. But because he and I lived quite a distance from one another our time spent together was always special because it wasn’t very often we saw one another. So I didn’t get the abuse physically or verbally. Instead I got it emotionally. When we weren’t spending time together he was cheating and lying
And pretending he was “important and busy” man. He always exaggerated his importance to me. But that was probably his cover, because he was on the computer maybe 21 hours per day screwing around and meeting other woman and of course planning his own wedding to someone.
Funny you shd mention how it’s like they speak from a script!! Without knowing that about them, one of my last messages to him was “pls stop telling me the same thing over and over each time you message me, you miss me and how you love me, because it’s very scripted. It sounds like you have this written down somewhere as use the same lines over and over…funny how he hasn’t written me since.
I also used to notice when we would speak that his “lingo” would
Change frequently and he’d say things that didn’t sound proper coming from
Him. Of course it hadnt come from him, he was mimicking things he’s pick up from seeking out other women and pick up their lingo..it was something I’d always found weird…and I usually could pick up on it immediately when a new word or phrase was part of his vocab suddenly. I would tell him to stop speaking like that and ask why he suddenly is speaking like that…and of course as I pointed it out an was on to him, he’d revert back to himself…he was quite transparent and obvious.
And like you, I am constantly trying to remind myself of the times he was truly unappealing to replace the thoughts of how I miss him. He made sure the time we spent together was very nice but it’s what he was like when we weren’t together that ruined it for us…he was a sneaky, sly and not to trust when he spoke.
I hope to get to the point you’re at and keep reminding myself of his true nature and that all the special times together were made up and lies.
Thanks NWHSOM you and everyone else’s advice are putting me on the way to a healing path 🙂
Not, I think your last line reading “Kinda like a scifi movie where the outer space alien sheds his skin when he’s not around his prey” should read, “EXACTLY like a scifi movie where the outer space alien sheds his skin ….”
I can’t think of a more apt description of what I have gone through the past few years. It’s not that the man I loved had an ugly mask on, such that it could be removed if I loved him enough. It’s that what he revealed was the True Self that had been hiding within the skin suit I loved, all along. More chilling than any psycho movie — a real psycho, not just acting out a part but also casting innocents’ voices into pre-written scripts and hearing nothing of what they actually say.
Possibly the worst (it’s hard to choose) of it has been reading my pre-cast lines as Queen Bitcha and feeling controlled into hurting him. For instance, isn’t it something masochistic in these people, not just sadistic, that drives them to contact people who don’t want to hear from them except to pound their heads in the sand?
It’s threatening to see his name on the caller ID because whether he wants to drill holes in me or press me into having to tell him No again, I’ll be manipulated into the script one way or another. If he absolutely cannot get me to read the lines, that’s OK, he’ll just act and treat me as though I had.
In all, a relationship with a spath is more like masturbation than intercourse, since only one partner is present while the other is just watching the film. Unfortunately they tend to script disaster movies instead of musicals. Otherwise, it might be an effective strategy for themselves, if not their involuntary cast of family, partners and workmates.
Normal people bond, and spath’s victims love and bond to the person the spath said he was, his false persona. When we find out the unbelievable truth about the spath, that they are lying about everything, that they don’t love, that they choose to harm us, etc, we can’t just turn off our love on a dime. It’s a real loss that needs to be grieved, and it takes time.
That’s right, AnnettePK, and we also must address other challenging issues such as where we go from here, whether we unwittingly participated in our own destruction, and how we will ever be able to trust again. It is a life crisis that many have not survived — and in our darkest hours, we can sure see why.
In addition to the many other dynamics of this crisis, we grieve for the kind, loving souls who were totally destroyed by this experience, and whose voices can no longer urge us along. May their silence scream into the ears of all those who imagine they want the phone to ring — saying, the only safety is AWAY from them. Not once more, not just a couple of times to be sure, but AWAY, before it’s too late to go.
conniving sneaky con artist is exactly right. He is a liar. He doesn’t love anyone. Being ‘number one’ is not love. You are right it is unacceptable what he’s done, and what he’s doing.
Are you having any contact or interaction with him now?
Janedoe,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. That is so sick that he would get turned on sexually by talking bad about the other women!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he caused you by degrading you in such a way. And using her to do so! The fact you went along with it to make him happy….there are so many memories I have that relate. I would please my ex so often even though I didn’t understand why. Now I can see how far along I was in his web of manipulation.
Your ex lives with the girl and her family? Does he still live with them now that she’s pregnant? My heart goes out to you. The thought makes My heart drop! I bet he lives with her family for the financial support so he can play on the side. If you talked to him as frequently as you did, there is no way he’s not doing the same to her now that she’s his primary source.
I truly believe that once they know you’ve discovered them and won’t put up with as much crap it’s not as fun for them. That’s what happened to me.
Your story reinforces my description for these men…Gross. They are so gross. The fact they manipulated us and degraded us is gross. The fact that they are still doing what they are doing is Gross. Gross, Gross, Gross! Now when I think of that word I associate it with my ex. I’m pretty sure I always will. New definition of gross: Sociopaths and the sadistic ways they use to manipulate others in believing their bulls**t.
I am so sad that you have had to endure all that you have but am so happy you are no longer with him and that you’re able to offer so much support to those on this site.
TDS79
You’re situation is a horrible situation regardless how long you’ve been together. Emotional manipulation like that and playing with our heads can happen over years or in a day but it’s effects are long lasting. I was with mine for three and half years and it started with lies right from the start. He was a player and a cheat.
I’m not sure you mentioned if you ended up going on your dream vacation and yes of course he’d come if you paid!! Lol they know a good thing when they see it!
They still do damage to us even when theyre gone from out lives! are they really so stupid?They don’t realize or
what?? And yours hadnt disappeared he’s still messing with you?!!
You are being strong and letting him know your house is YOURS and he isn’t going to make you leave. You aren’t the only person who has stuck by someone who has led a double life, I have too and it’s not our faults. I’m mad because I didn’t follow my gut from the beginning but it’s them who makes us the person we were to tolerate their bad behavior. I understand this when I’m telling someone but can I follow my own advice?? No!!! Lolol
You were married before I believe to another person? Do you have any children?
Thanks TDS79 for your support I enjoy sharing with everyone and getting insightful advice 🙂
Janedoe,
Thank you for your constant support. It helps to clear my head when I’m in a dark place. The damage he caused in such a short amount of time is unimaginable. And like you said, it’s worse because he isn’t leaving me alone. I’m happy though because I decided it was best to get off Facebook to at least eliminate some of the stranger and mutual friend contact. I feel more at peace now. I’m only worried because every time I make myself more unavailable he ups the ante!
I ended up not taking my dream vacation so I could put all of the money into my house. It was a hard decision to make but I’ve been renting since my divorce 6 years ago and it took me a long time to be financially stable again. It feels so good that I’m back on top and could own a house again, let alone qualify for one! I just hate that my ex can keep tabs on where I’m living. Grrrrr. I’m holding strong though. I worked hard to be a more complete and better woman in all ways! I now realize he was trying to steal all of my dreams from me. What’s funny is that when we started dated I was finally ready for a relationship and more emotionally stable and financially secure than I’ve ever been. Or so I thought? I try not to beat myself up too badly over the fact I was in a perfect place in my life and so happy.
I don’t have any children with my ex-husband. Sort of a blessing and a curse. Going through divorce people would say “At least you don’t have any children.” Deep down it hurt my heart. Now I’m grateful for no children because I would’ve put them in harms way. It’s so hard trying to protect myself through this process — I can’t imagine what it would be like to try and protect children as well. It breaks my heart to read stories on here of people trying their hardest to protect what is most valuable to them…their children.
TDS79
Yes it difficult when they are constantly present and in your face! It doesn’t help but at least you can look at it this way: you will not forget the miserable gross traits that he has and the reason why you left him. There is that constant reminder…look at it that way, sort of a blessing..
With mine out of the picture for now, I could kick myself, but I tend to reminisce and I have to stop and think about certain things, it’s not there to c
TDS79
Jeez sorry about tha I got cut off and it posted before I finished
I was saying its not there as a constant reminder for me. So I tend to get sappy more than I would like to
Getting off fb or just refusing to look at anything that pertains to him is the right idea. Especially if you are going no contact..each time you look, it will set you back and you don’t need that. If you have the strength to avoid fb, all the better for you. I hope eventually he will be out of the picture and he will give up and leave you alone
janedoe,
It makes sense to me when you say in a way I’m blessed…it’s horrible what’s happening but I can understand how when you look back on happy times with an ex (even one as f’ed up as yours) after time apart, the bad things don’t seem as bad. Regardless, neither of our situations are ideal. To say the least! 🙂
I’m happy to have no way to know what’s going on with him and to separate myself more and more. I’ve decided to get a new cell phone and number to eliminate these other possibilities. It sounds stupid, but I’ve had the same cell number always and I’m sad I have to give it up because of him. Like so many other things I’ve had to give up. I don’t care if it seems small, these are the things that make me and I’m sacrificing because of him. Safety/sanity first, right?!
How are you managing everything tonight? You seem to be feeling positive considering your situation. Thank you for being here for me. 🙂
NWHSOM
I’m sorry I just asked a question that you stated already. You said it’s a classic thing sociopaths do..the duping delight..then I went on to ask if he stil qualifies as a sociopath…duh!! Sorry about that and thanks so much for your support, guess I’m just having an off day 🙂
AnnettePK
Were you married twice? Once happily and once to your s?
How did yours abuse or manipulate you..verbally and/or physically?
I haven’t heard from mine in a month. The last being he said he hadnt heard from me and usually is waiting for me to email before he responds. But he wanted me to know that he loved me no matter what twists and turns take place. I responded by saying “yes you have heard from me you just don’t want to acknowledge the fact my emails accuse you of doing the things you’ve done to me. You can not defend yourself. Therefore by emailing me and saying you haven’t heard from me you’re simply trying to keep your promises intact by saying you would never stop communicating with me and you don’t have to defend yourself to my accusations..nice try though. You can email me when your new life permits you to do so”
I haven’t written him since an I don’t know what his game plan is at this point…ugh
I have to admit I check often for messages from him though.
I had a good marriage to a wonderful man, I was widowed. I was a single Mom to my preteen son when the spath targeted me. He attended the same Church I do.
My ex Psychopath was a pathological liar. He did not tell me he is a pedophile, addicted to porn including child porn, a cross dresser, and whatever else I never found out about. He lied to me about others. He lied to others about me. He wants status, positions he thinks are important in church, my financial security, to control me, to make me feel bad (he is sadistic). He abused and manipulated me verbally, subtly creating fights and other horrible situations. He used some symbolic violence (cutting our pre wedding book in half, pounding walls) and some physical abuse of me and my son, but not much. He restrained me a few times and pushed me around some. My son also caught him trying to videotape him crying while being emotionally and physically abused. I wonder what else he videotaped. He actually got more pleasure out of inciting me to act out physically. I threw a cutting board at him but missed, probably on purpose, and I hit him, too. When I realized that he was doing all he could to tempt me to act out, I overcame my weakness to do so. He is a lot bigger and stronger than me and I figured out how he was inciting me and not stopping me nor defending himself. It was a set up, and when I figured it out I stopped falling into that trap.
I keep in mind that spaths, including mine, try to harm us emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially, psychologically, and physically. They use any method and tactic that works for them.
What your ex is doing is not love. It’s playing games. You can be so pleased and proud of yourself for the time you have not had contact. You understand that he thinks and acts in terms of a ‘game plan.’ That is not what loving healthy mutually beneficial relationships are about.
You are curious what he will do and in that way you are still focused on him. That’s what spaths want. They don’t care too much if we are insulting them or admiring them, as long as our focus is on them. As much as you can, try to fill your thoughts and your actions with meaningful things that have nothing to do with your ex. It would be helpful for you to make a plan about what you will do and not do if you get a message from him. Otherwise, you are open to manipulation from him. Your openness and your love and your focus and your time and your thoughts and all the other wonderful things that you are, should be only given to someone who appreciates you and acts in ways that enhance your well being.
AnnettePK
your ex was certainly not a good person…to videotape your son like that? where does he get the right to even attempt to abuse him? its not even his son, but he didn’t care, right? like i mentioned before, when children are involved it really is more bothersome because its bad enough we suffer from ourselves being abused, but another person, a child? and then as their parent we must make sure they are safe and undo the damage these morons cause? i can thank god that my children were not involved..
your first husband i assume was your sons father?
yes i admit i am still focused on my ex..i don’t let him know, as you know i haven’t corresponded with him in a month..in normal circumstances i would have heard from him many times by now and his lack of response shows me his is clearly uninterested and he didn’t love me but “loved” only what was good for him for the past three years. he has a “more important” life going on at the moment and i know very well that he can’t handle too much at one time, therefore i am long forgotten at the moment, as though i existed twenty years ago..you would never know this was just two months ago we were going strong. as much as it hurts, i know nc is the only way to go..i often wonder if they know what they do to people is wrong or do they think its normal..are they aware of what they do?
JaneDoe
What his lack of response shows me is that he THINKS you’ll be there when he calls. And right now, he is duping a big fish. He’ll be back to you when she is laid out and dying. It makes me sad that you don’t seem to realize what kind of creature he is. When you do really get it, you will be empowered to protect yourself and to recover from his ridiculous nonsense, and that will make me feel so pleased for you. People on here deserve so much better than the nightmare of those creatures.
p.s. Of course he knows it’s wrong. He didn’t get to be his age and not have any way to learn about right/wrong. He does it anyway because that doesn’t matter to him. That’s consistent with the creature that he really is. He’s a CONMAN.
NWHSOM
yes he is a conman no doubt about that
at this rate he will be laid out and dying before her, he is 60 and she is 30! lol even if he were with me he would still be laid out and dying first as i am younger than him as well..but apparently not young enough!
yuck i told him he could be her grandfather if you really thought about it!
i know what he has done is more than ridiculous nonsense and when i think of the shit he has caused i see that, like right now…its the every so often feeling of doubt that hits me…but i have stuck to the nc and haven’t back down and know in actuality it would ruin all that i have tried to accomplish for the past month!
Thanks for your thoughts and your caring, I appreciate it lots. My first late husband is my son’s Dad.
You are doing a good thing for yourself in staying NC and not letting him know that he’s on your mind. It takes time to move on because you’re normal and you experienced a loss.
It is so sad and painful to see what these spaths are like, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s not easy to say the least. I think all of us wonder what in the world makes these evil people tick and why they do what they do. There are a lot of theories, and there have been some studies that show differences in brain structure and activity, but I don’t think that anyone definitively has the answer. I found enough information and came to some conclusions that helped me have some peace about my experience. It is so disturbing.
janedoe, I think your by ending your statements with, “You can email me when your new life permits you to do so” you were getting across the point that he threw you over for a new life, but also leaving the door open for him to contact you again.
I am sure that you will eventually hear from him again, but when you do, I hope you will just cut & paste this statement, then hit Send: “______(Insert his name), my game plan does not include you.”
These people don’t have an obligation to defend themselves to us, however we have no obligation to associate with them either. Make a game plan for yourself, and follow through on it. He doesn’t have one except to drive you crazy, and doesn’t deserve the time it takes to check for his feeble messages either.
xox from N/C
NoContact
you are so right, everyone is so right, i know what that i am wrong in my thinking…i get to the point where i agree with everyone and am ok for a few days and then BAM I’m back to hoping to hear back…i do know and i do this each and every time…by thinking of the things he love bombed with and unkept promises, were not him, they were what he made me believe were him…and when i get into that frame of thinking, i imagine all the other ugly things he did that turned me off…if i could just stay focused and see clearly when the feelings of nostalgia settle in…
the problem is he never was a mean person, i almost wish he was because it would be much easier for me to hate him! he was mean in other ways, sneaky ways where he thought i would never find out..lying, cheating and conniving…
one of the very first things i have a vision of was when we first met, we were on Skype and i was watching him and he suddenly takes out this badge like thing and shows it to me but also at the same time has his finger to his lips, as though he was telling me to not say anything…so i looked at this badge and it was from the CIA…he always told me never to speak about it through the computer because he didn’t know who would be tapping in..we didn’t speak often about it but just the fact that someone advertises that he does work for them, is a bit of a show off and a red flag…i should have followed my friends advice then when they warned me that average people most probably do not disclose this type of info…RED FLAG!!!!
Jane D,
It sounds like you are struggling with cognitive dissonance, which spaths create and use to control our thoughts. Int he same sentence you say he was never mean, and that he was mean (in other sneaky ways he thought he could get away with.) He’s manipulated you into thinking he isn’t mean, when he really is mean. If he is ever mean, then he IS mean. When he acts nice, it’s fake. If he’s clever enough to be subtle and sneaky to disguise his meanness, HE IS MEAN. Because he is mean to you he hurts you. You care about yourself and you don’t want to be hurt, so you don’t allow him to have access to you. That is what No Contact is.
Consider that they do whatever they have to do to get what they want – they are nice when being nice works and mean when being mean works to get them something they want. They do not want love, commitment, honesty, to enhance others’ well being. They want sex, money, status, control, to see others’ harmed, or whatever trivial selfish sadistic a particular spath wants.
The CIA badge thing is such BS and an insult to your intelligence. A bona fide CIA agent doesn’t show his badge over Skype or to anyone that doesn’t need to know it. If someone is
‘tapping in’ (whatever that means) to the Skype conversation, they will see the badge. It is very unlikely that he works for the CIA, and it may be a criminal offense to impersonate a CIA agent.
This scenario makes more sense: Once a friend of mine had something private to tell me. He took me into the middle of the street away from houses, cars, other people, etc. and told me. I needed to know it.
Don’t worry about how you feel hoping to hear back from him. This is natural and it’s a habit that’s part of bonding. It’s a stage of loss called ‘searching’ behavior. I felt it when my first husband died, even though I knew he was gone, it still felt like I would open a letter from him, or I would get a call from him. When we have lost someone who is still alive, it’s natural to hope that he might change. Realistically, though, spaths don’t change. People who do what they do for the reasons they do it do not ever ever ever change. It hasn’t happened in the history of mankind.
You can be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and remind yourself the sad truth that he is not a good person so you will not be interacting with him.
AnnettePK
yes once again you are correct…everything you say is correct and i know it..i guess have developed this insecurity and need to be reassured quite a bit at the moment.
what i meant when i said he was and wasn’t mean was..he wasn’t mean in the sense of being verbally abusive or we never argued (unless i caught him doing something) and we got along beautifully, he was funny and somewhat intelligent…that was the side that was fake but it wasn’t mean, nobody who witnessed us together would say he was mean…then when i say he was mean, like you said, what he was doing, the conniving, sneaky, cheating and lying, were mean..he knew he was doing this so that was mean..
if that makes any sense, thats what i meant by what i said
the CIA thing, looking back now, was a way to draw me in. i didn’t know him and he was trying to impress. i remember telling a gf of mine and she thought there was something seriously wrong with me that i would fall for such stupidity..like you, she thought, who does that? what did i know at the time? i don’t know where he got the badge or what exactly he did for the govt but whenever he went away he referred to his contracts or jobs, as “missions for the govt” which were always top secret…so i never knew where he was or what he was doing when away and he would contact me when able..these contracts usually lasted no more than a week, but i believed him, who would lie about working for the govt, i believed…he was always trying to make himself look important..i recall one time we went away and i had run out to the store for something and when i returned he was in hotel lobby working on computer, sitting there in a suit..i approached him and was laughing and asked “what are you doing in a suit?” he said he feels more important at times when he works in a suit…omg i thought that was quite a strange thing to do, especially since we were on vacation at the time! i don’t know to this day why the hell he was in a suit in the lobby working at computer..
can i ask you Annette, are you a therapist? you seem to be very well versed on a lot of things that everyone writes about, your advice is spot on and very helpful 🙂
jane doe
I kinda understand what you are saying about him not being “mean”. My ex was a covert abuser. That is, he didn’t yell or lose his temper or call me names. (that came later, when he was done using me.)
I think you are saying your ex was covert too? Abuse that is underhanded? Expecting you to just “take it” for the wonderful priveledge of having him to do the abuse to you? I used to tell my ex to save his “gift” for the next one. My cup of abuse runnith over…
My ex was a sneaky bas* and as the years went on, in all his photos, he looks like the stereotypical predatory wolf in sheeps clothing. His face is long and pointy and his eyes are shifty and beady. Like a cartoon evil wolf (even though I think of him as a poisonous snake.)
It doesn’t have to be violent to be terrible, insidious abuse. We deserve(d) better.
Janedoe
Oh yes I remember that! The day I looked at my husband and he’d gone from the most attractive man I’d ever seen (and felt like I’d won the jackpot in husbands) to a sinister looking man with beady eyes. I remember saying to my girlfriend that I’d never realised he gad beady eyes before and that my mother had always warned me to stay away from men like that – she laughed and said that my beliefs had changed towards him and my sight was returning to the truth.
Thanks for clarifying. I understand what you’re saying about his meanness being intermittent and not physical. Abusers don’t abuse when they first meet their victims, and they don’t abuse all the time. If they did, it would be easy to figure them out and we’d never get involved in the first place. They make it hard to figure out, keep us out of balance and confused – total cognitive dissonance.
Spaths deceive lots of people including incredibly intelligent and well educated people. Even Robert Hare who is a PhD scientist expert on psychopaths said he was duped by one of them. They fake their jobs, their military service history, their finances, they have stolen purple heart medals and passed them off as their own. They fake being doctors, attorneys, stockbrokers, ministers, etc. etc.
I’m actually an accountant. Whatever I am blessed to understand came from 5+ years of being duped in a big way, and doing everything wrong in dealing with my ex P, so I learned it all the hard way. It took me forever to go no contact, and I respect the victims, like you, who make that commitment sooner than I did.
Not & Under,
It’s been shown that covert emotional abuse causes more emotional and psychological damage than straight forward physical abuse, and it takes longer for victims to recover from covert abuse than physical abuse.
My ex P also started looking fairly demonic, especially in photos, as his mask slipped.
Annette
Yes, I would have rather been hit than spend the whole time in a state of confusion.
AnnettePK
i checked the cognitive dissonance and yes i believe i struggle with that too! thanks for pointing it out 🙂
AnnettePK
Yes I have read and hear about spaths being high profile professions at times or faked it even. Mine was a master of all trades, if you spoke about it, he did it. He uses to spend more than a normal amount of time on computer doing “homework” he was studying for his masters and a PHd and I spent many hours editing his papers for him so I believe that was true. But he used to to his advantage greatly by saying how “busy and overloaded” he was with school work and was unable at times to correspond. A full time unemployed man, on computer roughly 20 hours a day doing work
For school? He should be the freaking president of the US by now if it were true. All the hours spent becoming the “best possible student ever” was not only spent soon schoolwork but he has every other window for every social media site he was on, opened, so he could f*** around and make plans to screw this one and that one..my point actually was, before getting sidetracked, was they try o be so important, well he did try. He used the excuse that his schoolwork and job applications take soooo much time and that’s what kept him busy…all I know is he should be running the world by now because he is so smart…I do have to say though he did have 4.0 GPA but I think ready and learning came natural, not from twenty hours of studying a day…did I get off track here??
My ex P did porn while making others think he was at his drafting table working. He told family members for decades that he was slow at his work, as a cover for his porn activities. He chose to work at night instead of coming to bed with his wife; he married me for a cover since he is not heterosexual.
Jane dear, as Annette pointed out:
If I called you as a friend and told you that my sex partner was “sneaky, lying, cheating and conniving,” what would you say to me?
I HOPE you would say as my friend: “Um, that sounds like really nasty behavior. You are not a sneaky, lying, cheating or conniving person yourself. That must be a really toxic and damaging person that you should avoid (and keep away from me too, please).”
Sweetheart (I am 62 so I can call you sweet names), sneaking, lying, cheating and conniving are vicious, demeaning, threatening behaviors that you wouldn’t tolerate in my own relationships with such a person. The third time I called you for advice, you’d tell me to do my best to undo his humiliating manipulations in my life, pray for his future victims, and return to my safe, sane life. You know the one: where we don’t lie, cheat, sneak, connive or otherwise suggest we’ll do worse if we don’t get our way. 🙂
When I was 21-25 I had a relationship with a man 14 years older than me, who left his young children and beautiful wife — not for me, but to pursue meaningless relationships and freely victimize women. Occasionally we get together now, he hits on me (eww), and I listen to him complain about the poor victim he married next. At the time, she was a bouncy, vivacious tiny doll of a woman from Chile of all places, and now she’s a used-up hag who supposedly doesn’t want to have sex with him. That sounds a lot like what he used to say about his ex (she’d supposedly “let herself go,” then I met her — like a pie in the face, it turned out the lady was a stunningly beautiful, graceful 6-foot gazelle of a woman who could compete with any fashion model).
Now I sit there watching him drink and thinking: There but for the Grace of God…
In 1981 I thought it would kill me. Guess what, it didn’t! Watching him go on to ruin other beautiful souls has given me the perspective I think they call Wisdom, and is worth the 40 years I spent waiting for enlightenment about which one of us was screwy.
I’ll bet his wife would change places with me in a heartbeat — subsequent spath husband, and all. He got “fixed” and she went without children, then realized when it was too late that she’d really wanted them … the one she got was 6’5″ and getting younger every year. 🙂
Hang in there, you’re on the right path and should expect to feel distracted from time to time. But it’s a well-worn path, you aren’t on it alone! Just follow the blood stains from the blistered heels of those who walked it before and try to keep it as straight as you can, marking it clearly for the sore feet that you know (alas!!) will be having to follow yours.
No Contact,
Consider that you might create a lot of positive power for yourself if you don’t get together ever again with this ex with whom a relationship almost killed you and listen to him bad mouth his other victims. Deliberately going no contact with him might allow some powitive energy in your life.
NoContact
the advice i would tell you if you came to me with my issues…would be to tell you to run as fast as possible, this man is a lunatic! but isn’t this always the case..we can give out the advice but never follow our own advice? i see myself doing that all the time!
the man who you had a relationship with from 21-25 is now married to the woman from chile, he left his first wife, who was beautiful and now complains about his second wife? and during this he is still going after you? is he hoping for something to happen with you both? even after all he’s done to the others, he thinks you will fall for him? is it possible he still sees you as the innocent 21 year old who fell so hard for him? he probably thinks you haven’t changed and you still want him! lol
when you speak of your ex, is this who caused all the problems for you?
No C & Jane D,
Even though a clever reply would satisfy, it gives him a win in his mind. If you respond in any way, you are including him in your ‘game plan.’ The only way to exclude him and his games from your life is not to play which means do not respond. Spaths don’t care what the specific content is of our responses. They win if we respond because it is giving them our time, attention, emotions, etc.
No contact is the hardest thing to do but it is the most powerful.
No contact
I so agree with you. We don’t have any obligation to associate ourselves with them. Especially if there are no minor children we have the right to refuse talking or communicating with them. Why would I ever talk to my ex again after being sent to mental place for evaluation because he is s cop and was able to pull that one off. Why would I talk to him after he tried to put an injunction for donestic violence against me ?
Jane Doe
U think by sending him an email you are telling him it’s ok to contact you. I know I did exactly the sand at first but I realized you are giving him power and control by communicating with him. Even one email opens that door. My son just received a message “I guess you two are refusing to communicate with me “. duh, does he finally realize it after about 50 emails without getting a response. Now the tables have turned. I was the one who used to beg and cry for his responses. It’s him now who gets ignored and made feel worthless.
I honestly believe you must cut of all contact. It shows them that you don’t care what they are doing. I no longer care if he is alive , who he is dating , where he works and so on. It’s bond of my concern. He made his choice and this is the life he chose. If he is not happy he can cry to one ov his coworkers/fellow cops/minions/whores.
I hope you can stay no contact. It will pay of at the end.
kaya48
yes i have stayed no contact for one month now…like i was telling NoContact, i know its the right thing to do, if i can just continue having the negative thoughts in my head and not think of the fake good times..
my story is unlike yours, but at the same time, similar..
you had a child involved and you were married and i believe he was very physical and demeaning to you as well..you have mentioned how he wanted you institutionalized, which is awful, but the worst is when a child is involved..i have told you before how admiring it is of you to have raised a wonderful son and how lucky you are to have him on your side…you have done something right…and all those people who ever believed your ex that you were crazy…your son is the proof that you are not
i believe cops, lawyers, govt authorities are the ones with a lot of psychological issues because of their “power” they need to be squashed to the ground and knocked off their high horse…mine too i have mentioned “works” for the govt…whether he really really is involved or perhaps one time cleaned a toilet at a govt institution, believes he is a powerful person…exactly why he had to run off to a third world country, without any money, live with a family in a foreign place without knowing their language..big govt official he turned out to be…they think they are something else..but everything he has done in life he always thought was making a mark in the world..he knew everything..
LF is a godsend for me, listening to others and offering help and getting advice..thank you 🙂
Jane D,
Big Congratulations to you for a month of No Contact!!!! You know you are doing the right thing for yourself and for everyone who cares about you. Spaths almost always come back when we are weak or vulnerable or open to them in some way, so never let your guard down. Be prepared not to respond no matter what he comes at you with in the future.
annettePK
thank you..yes its been hard doing the nc but i have gone exactly one month..
i do believe when you say to be watchful for him to appear eventually…back when this was beginning with us in mid summer, i was devastated and so upset telling him how much he means to me, and how and why could he do this, what kind of person does this, etc…so in his mind he believes i am devastated and love him more than anything..i feel he loves knowing someone feels this way about him and by him claiming in his last email one month ago, that our love goes very deep and our time together is something nobody can take away, is his way of feeling, once again, the important, intelligent person he has always tried to prove he is…no doubt he will appear one day thinking i feel the way i did the last i wrote him..
I think you’ve expressed excellent understanding of his motives and methods. I believe that I am safer from harm from my ex P if I allow him to think I’m still pining away over him. If he believes that, then he feels satisfied that I’m suffering at his hands, he thinks he still has control of me and that I’m still ‘available’ to him at his beck and call. As long as he thinks that, I believe he’ll stay away from me to keep on ‘punishing’ me. I am afraid that if he knew that I want nothing to do with him, that he would come back around and try to ‘hook’ me again or that he might try to harm me if he understood I am through with him. There are some reasons why he thinks he would be better off if I did not exist, so I try to be careful.
Janedoe
Congratulation from me to you also. 30 days is a big accomplishment. I remember how happy I was when I made the 30 day mark. I am confident it gets a little easier with every 30 days ,every month. And yes anette is right they use “special” times to remind us that there are stil alive and well. I got a note for my birthday saying “I am sure you had a very happy birthday , you now have everything you ever wanted”. I lost the security of my so called marriage , I lost my husband and my home, my car and everything I have worked for. But in a way it’s the truth what he is saying. I do have it all now. Material things , houses and cars are all replaceable.
And I agree with you that military and cops are extremely arrogant and “godly “. The truth is that almost everyone can join the army and to become a cop is 6 months of police academy. Big deal, it makes them no more special than a grocery clerk to me. I honestly have to say that my ex became triple worse once he became a cop. In the army he did follow some morale guidelines but in the police force it was a “nightly orgie ” in his department. How sad it is because I contributed with my tax dollars. 🙁
Jane doe, I feel so bad for you that you were lied to and betrayed to and then discarded. But in the end I still think we are the winners , the survivors , the gladiators.
kaya48
are you serious when you say they had nightly orgys? in the police station? how did they pull that crap off!!! that is insane but i guess they felt with their power they were entitled to do what they wanted?? who were they doing this with, other female cops?
i guess your ex expected you to respond with something when he said “i guess you have what you want for your bday?” like you were going to say “but i miss you and i being together” or was he just making that statement?
oh and my bday came and went without a word from him…he never once knew or remembered my bday when we were together, so i guess i didn’t expect much when it was my bday
janedoe
Next time your birthday comes around, please say so here so I can give you a big cheer. You deserve to be treated like you matter because… well YOU DO!!
Jane doe
Yes, they had all kinds of orgies during their shifts with fellow deputies. I found pictures. At first I wanted to turn them in and talked to Internal Affairs. They wanted me to turn in the pictures. But following the advice of my attorney I didnt. I was getting a divorce anyhow and it would have only hurt my alimony case. So I let it go. Now I don’t care what they do. Sometimes I hear it on the news that a deputy got fired for improper relations with subordinates. Mostly they cover it up and protect their own.
And yes you are so right. With his little notes he wants me to respond in some way. Even a negative comment like cussing him out would be a victory for him. I never respond. No need for that anymore. I stood up for myself by divorcing him and the 16 months of no contact. He should get it by now.
I am truly blessed my son is so mature and sees him for who he is. A manipulator and an abuser. The ex never physically abused me, even though he wanted to so badly and it came close a few times. But the emotional part was pure torture. I never realized it until much later after the discard. How much power he had over me and always blaming me for the destruction of the marriage. Even though he was screwing that deputy girl every night. Often I wondered why he would take a showr after his long shifts? I know now. Yuck.
Hello JaneDoe!
In my attempt to find a diagnosis for my ex, I came across with this site. Let me tell you I have the most recent version of the DSM, but I haven’t find anything accurate.
I was with this person for 1 1/2 year. Most of the time the relationship lasted he was charming and showered me with gift. He won my kids approval by being attentive to them. He was charming, sociable and has a great sense of humor, which I found contradictive because he was very impatient and quick to get angry at me. As the relationship progressed he became more controlling each day. He disliked that I have any communication with my kids father, who lives in another country. He started questioning me about my FB friends. I if we were in a party I could never dance with no one including my friends, his and even family members. He never lied to me. He told me from the beginning that he loved women and that he had never been faithful (he is 49 I am 46). He told me he had 4 kids with three different women who at some points he dated simultaneously.One of those women was his first wife. You may ask me “Why in hell you got into a relationship with this person”. Me, having a master in rehabilitation counseling, I found him to be very honest in no lying to me about his past. one of my professional values is to believe people change. He also told me the magic words; “I tired of this and want to change”. He was very sensitive. I had to be very careful when talking to him, because he was easily offended. It was always me calling him and claiming for peace. He prohibited me to have contacts with any of his friends (Facebook, Instagram etc.)or personally if he was not present. In an effort to gain his trust I gave him all my password including e-mail. But still he did not trusted me. He told me a the beginning he has problems trusting women. He thinks all women are easy. The breakage was due to him planning a vacation to his country. It was the second time he would go there in this year. Even tough he has family(cousins and friends)there, I was not happy because my gut was telling me there was something wrong. I expressed my dissatisfaction but he stated that was the way he was. That he loved going to his country sometimes for a whole month. A month before his trip we had a fight because I didn’t answer the phone when he called me at 3:00 AM. Then we fought for something else and something else then he told me he did not want to be in a relationship wit me no more. I accepted his decision and initiate NC. But when he came back from his trip, he started contacting me and I responded in a nice way, but I was angry. we planned to go out one day, but then I cancelled telling him I was not ready to be his friend. Deep inside I knew something happened in Colombia and I could not move over it. My surprise came last week when I checked WhatsApp and his status said “I love <3 MVOV". The initials are of a young woman who is the niece of his cousin's husband. But my Surprise was when I looked at her profile in FB, she is wearing a Bag that I helped him. He told me the bag was a gift for one of his cousins. I also found out that at the time he was with me he was sending messages and sexting with various females. I feel heartbroken. I am not jealous, I just feel betrayed. we haven't seen each other for 4 months but we had spoken like 3 times after. Including last week when I found about his new flame and called him to course his ass and tell him how miserable he was for posting something like that so public. I told him he does not have consideration for peoples feelings. He with a plain voice confirmed to me that yes, he had started a relationship with her when he went to Colombia. and they are talking long distance. OMG I just wanted to die. He hurt me so bad that I have not eaten, slept for 3 days. I know I'll recover and don't want to see him in my life but, what now? it has affected me a lot.
Thanks for reading and appreciate any positive comment.
Iris.
Janedoe and kaya48
It’s no different in Australia. My path was a policeman and they are all having sex while they are supposed to be working. I often hear complaints about the police not responding to jobs quickly enough but I know why…
Para-military jobs are a breading ground for paths! A detective told me that it was a sad fact that sociopaths make the best police because they are arrogant enough to go into anything without fear and that describes my husband perfectly.
janedoe
At least now you know that his “big government official” was a lie. In order to have such a job, they have to obtain a security clearance commensurate with their level of responsibilities and duties. Such a claim is a very typical scam perpetrated so that their victim can’t ask/receive appropriate answers. But… if a person’s sweetheart actually had such a job, YOU would also have to consent to security questions. SO now you have TWO confirmations that his job story was a scam. He’s a phoney. Think on that and it cuts at least one string he used to rope you in.
NWHSOM
i always wondered what the govt expected from a govt.employee when they were in a relationship or married…maybe thats why he never mentioned me to any of his few friends or whatever colleagues he had…so i would not have to consent to anything…?
i don’t know but i do know i always thought it kind of inappropriate for him to even disclose that info to me, especially if he acted like it was such a top secret thing..he liked to embellish things in most cases…he never had a stable job that i knew of or he spoke of…only the “missions” that he says he went on from time to time when he was contacted to do so by his employers the “CIA”..that was his way of making his living i or so i believed..
But Jane, not mentioning you would be a breach of his security clearance. His behavior is more proof that he didn’t have actually one. People who have such clearances are VERY VERY protective about following the rules to qualify to have one. I’m betting his “missions” were trips to scam others.
I’m for bed Jane. You take care. And your observation that it’s easier to see other victims than it is to see ourselves is right on. I’ve searched for my blindspots and kick myself because I can’t find them… because they’re my blindspots!