UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TDS79
I’m more than happy to be of a little support for you…it distracts me and my thoughts and I get to see how others deal with their situations. Sometimes I see others are worse than mine and feel I shd stop complaining!
Believe me you’d be more blessed if he were gone and this never happened to you but I swear everyone is right when they say these sickos have twisted our minds so badly that our brains are capable to think the way they wanted them to think…it’s unfair because they destroy and really do a number and then they’re gone leaving us to wipe ourselves off and start again..there shd be a law against these kind of people for making a mess of our lives!
Jane doe
You are such a caring person. I used to talk to the mother in law as we had so much in common. But , in one of our last telephone conversations I could tell that he had convinced her that I was mentall unstable. So, I cut of all contact. She is in upstate New York and I live in the very South. She mailed my son a Christmas card , very generic and only addressed to him. My son was only 4 when he last met her ,so no memories. My family supported me financially and emotionally through the divorce, my mom paying over 14k$ to my lawyer. What I do t understand is that my ex “hated ” his father so much for cheating and lying and then just repeat his behavior. It baffles me.
I just framed my final judgement for dissolution of marriage. I just put it up on the wall. It reminds me every day that no matter what I found the strength to put an end to it. It’s my most favorite wall art . 🙂
Kaya48
Yeh funny how he hated his father but at the same time he is mimicking him, isn’t it? Perhaps it’s in his genetics and he has no control? I am not sure but the behavior is a learned one or a hereditary one orator a bit of both?
Funny you’re mom lives in upstate NY..I’m from there as well 🙂
kaya49 and janedoe
I asked my ex about this same thing. That he agreed that what his father did was wrong and bad and damaging. Then I said, “so why would you do the same thing?”. His perspective? That he didn’t do what his dad did so what he (my ex) did was not that bad and that he (my ex) was okay in what he did.
My ex would judge/ridicule/dondemn all others but always gave himself a pass because it ‘wasn’t the same thing at all’…lots of times, he said he didn’t intend so he wasn’t responsible. So all the people he judged did INTEND and that’s why he was okayed to get revenge on them (and why no one had grounds for revenge or anger or objection to him – my ex, the saintly prince.)
NWHSOM
yes it seems they have a justified reason for doing what they do and it’s valid and the other person who does the same is wrong…they are nuts.
AnnettePK
Oh god you have to pretend you’re still interested in him? How do you do that without wanting to hit him? So as long as you stay on the good side you’re safe? There isn’t anything you can do? Or maybe he just doesn’t bother with you if he thinks you’re interested, is that what you mean?
In any case it’s horrible, but you seem so knowledgeable and well versed on it all..
janedoe,
This is one of my strategies. I learned early that my ex wanted my pain and anguish and would leave me alone as long as he knew I was in hell. When it came time for divorce, I cried about him being with a new girlfriend, so he spent lots more time with her and making their relationship public and telling people how I was so clingy that I wouldn’t let him go.
While it was true at some point in time where I was trying to save my marriage (before I realized what monster he was) and I was devastated the all the other women, once I woke up I was able to use his “WIN” attitude to complete the divorce that he thought I’d never pursue. My ex would NEVER have allowed movement on the divorce if he knew I had regained my sense of self and self respect.
Notwhat
I’m so grateful for those words. You don’t know how valid they are to my situation. I’m actually seeing it in a complete reverse. I’m not in pain or suffering and he can see that so he’s doing the pain and suffering act. So so grateful!
Undertheradar
How funny. You made me laugh. Yes isn’t it sickening how vain they are. My ex loved the mirror. He spent hours getting ready. Admiring his looks and loving his reflection. I once told him “you are so much in love with yourself you cannot love anyone else “. He said “you are absolutely right , but look at me, how stunning I am “. Yuck, I aldi stayed over 20 years with that arrogant a**. Glad I don’t have to listen to that anymore.
When I first married him in my late 20’s he would always say “when you get old, I”lol throw you away and get a young, sexy one to replace you”. Little did I know that he meant every word of this statement .
Kaya48
Oh and those PARADES! OMG! Did your path always feel his own muscles and ass because mine did, and he’d look at his arms after he dressed just to reassure himself that he was hot!
I wish we’d both left when they made the “replacement” statement, why didn’t my self worth kick in and drag me out yelling “warning, subconscious message re future!”
It’s funny how much truth can be seen rather than heard… I’m so grateful you responded because it gave me an answer to a question that was puzzling me. It reminded me of the vanity but more importantly the sheer arrogance of his self image. My path has been crying and begging me to return. He said he was going to come clean with everything so sat me down and told me that he was badly bullied as a child, all this through a barrage of tears and lip quivering. His revelations were heart wrenching and almost had me convinced, but I knew that something was missing from his story. I’ve been racking my brain for days over the questions; “what if he’s finally telling the truth” and “there’s something still not right with this picture?”… you reminded me of the energy he gave off – the actions weren’t fake. For all those years he constantly tried to convince me and all my friends that he was humble with his words but his actions showed the truth.
Now I know the answer to that question. You can’t fake the energy of the truth – you can say anything but you can never fake who you really are. Thanks Kaya! I don’t know what he really is crying about but it’s not because he’s extremely insecure with who he is…stay tuned!
Kaya. My ex spath was the same way. Always looking for compliments and obsessed with himself. It is just so sickening these people exist and until you go thru having a relationship with one you have no idea what they are capable of
omg are they all insecure??? they think they know it all and are gods gift to the world and can do no wrong, but when he would send me something he was proud of and i didn’t respond or say anything about it, he would say “oh i guess you don’t you like that picture i sent you”..everything he did always had to be complimented…he was insecure for sure…yuck he would also try to convince me how good he looked without any clothes on…wagging his “thing” at me and waiting for me to jump lol…omg
the one thing i really loved at the beginning were his striking blue eyes, now when i see a picture, those striking blue eyes are so demonic its scary…one eye being more closed than the other…aghhh
i take all the compliments back i ever gave him
Taralev
Glad to see your comment. How are you holding up? Hope you are ok. And yes, he hated his father for the abuse that was inflicted on his mom. Then turns around and copies the exact same. And now wonders why his son won’t speak to him. He needs to take a good inventory of his evilness but still he claims to be the victim. He accused my son listening my brainwashing. Just more evil things. But as always we laugh about his b/s and of course he will not get an answer. He can cry to his minions, they can provide him with sex and whatever he needs. Not our job anymore to keep him happy. Because he can never be happy. He will be a miserable older man in his own cold evil world of darkness.
Jane doe
I don’t have any family here in the US , there are all on Europe. The mother in law, well ex, lives in upstate New York. The only family I have is my son here, no one. But I do have great friends, co workers and bosses. And for that I am very blessed . The ex was never close to his family. Matter fact his brothers and sisters never spoke with him . His mother was not close either. And of course he hated his dad for cheatibg on the mom.
I truly hope this pattern ended with his generation. I am confident that my son will not go on with that tradition because he has good morales and values and is album me person.
The biggest son is pride. And my ex thought he was higher than God. Instead he was Lucifer. I still look at the discard as a blessing. The pain that came with it was temporarily and nothing lasts forever. The pain is gone and my life is back on track. The gift of betrayal and discard was the best one he ever made.
kaya48
yes i agree hopefully it has ended at your sons generation…either way if you see any sort of signs you can catch it early on…i think you may know by now, especially since you live together? but i don’t know, i don’t know if these signs show later on in life or early…regardless, he knows what he’s gone through and what you have as well..i have heard child rearing has a lot to do with how these sociopaths develop and YOU have raised him, it is clearly obvious as he takes your side and has turned against his father, that your generosity and kind hearted ways have been instilled in him
I’m sorry to hear that you are alone and your family is in europe…i hope you have a chance to visit them or vice versa?? how have they been as support through all of this? anyway, friends you have, i am sure, have been a godsend and a helpful support system, which in your case, helps..
as well as everyone here on LF is a wonderful source of support.:)
Hello Jane Doe.
I agree with you in that when reading all the stories it looks like we are talking about the same person. You question was. Did he admit at front he was a womanizer in order for him to come clean and maybe I could help him? Well I think he did not want help because in various occasions he said that was how he was and whomever wanted him had to accept him the way he was. I believe he the reason he told me that was to prevent me so when any infidelity happened he would tell me “I never lied to you”
By him saying he wanted to change it was just a tactic so I could accept him. I have realized he is an addict. I work we countless of people with addictive behaviors and have experienced some of my clients can remain clean for years but as soon as a life event happens they go back to drugs or whatever their addiction is. There is always a excuse for then to use. I hear them saying I was lay off, I ‘m getting divorce, my child was sick. etc. My ex excuse for braking up with me and relapse was that I did not answer the phone at midnight. He accused me of cheating on him and the reason I did not answer was because I was with somebody. Immediately, he moved to the next woman whom he already had on his list. By the way I believe he has a list ready so when anything goes wrong with his current relationship he just move to the next one. You asked If I did confronted him before. Yes in an occasion he did sent a friend request and messages to my ex-husbands wife who he contacted in Facebook. We had a big fight over that but he usually minimized his behavior, saying that was something innocent that he did without thinking. he usually said it was not that serious because it was just a joke. I think you are right, those kids and the string of women in his life should have been a red flag. Of that I am guilty, I admit it. I think I was hopeful is a common mistake a lot of women made in our attempt to find love and the companion of a relationship. We broke up May, 2014, 4 months now. We did spoke 3 times after he came back from Colombia in August. My disappointment was when I saw his status telling a women “I love you” and finding out some of the gifts I helped him to buy were for that woman. I started putting all the dots together and built the puzzle. Even though I am seeing the picture clear right now I cannot avoid feeling heartbroken. The true this is not about him is about me.
I regard to your predator, you said he is 60 years old. How old are you? also what about his family and friends. does he have any children and how his past looks in relation to relationships. What had worked for me and have kept me from calling or running back to him, is meditation, I also go to massage sessions and acupuncture. It works for depression. I also started doing yoga, it relaxes me a lot.
ivivas
hi there 🙂
oh yes i know what you mean…they lay it all on the line from the beginning so that they “look good” when they slip through the cracks and revert to their selfish ways…they can say “well…what did i tell you from the beginning?? you knew exactly what you were getting involved in” so now whose fault is it??? OURS!!! we knew, we didn’t do anything about it, we figured we would change it when and if it should happen, but most probably won’t happen, because “I’m sure he has changed and won’t be like that with me” loll i know thats how my story goes!!!
and as far as having a list of women…yep, I’m sure they do…they probably are with them throughout our whole relationship…i found out mine was anyway. mine lived in another country so how was i to know he was dedicated to just me??? we correspond every single day many many times a day and our visits were frequent and lengthy so it seemed like he and i were dedicated to one another…ha now i know better with a person like this…red flags right from the start but like i mentioned, we ignore them until its too late..
i, like you, have only recently experienced this…i am heartbroken as well, i am angry, i hate him, i love him, i haven’t heard from him in a month, nor have i written him The person “i loved” would never have kept me dangling this long, ever….but the person he fabricated in my mind would do this…he is evil, sly, sneaky and a liar…thats what i learned from being on LF..i never knew this type of person existed before 2 months ago..
your ex certainly was not very nice by asking for your help for those gifts for the other woman!!! omg…i probably would have been exactly like you, but i may have wondered somewhere in the very back of my mind, if something else was going on as well…i think you had mentioned you were suspicious when he went to his country???
has he continued with this woman from his country? and is she the same woman you saw on fb saying “i love you?” this all brings back waves of nausea as i read all of this because i too, went through all this through the few years..
yes mine is a “grown man” of 60…he is divorced with two kids, who i always commended him for doing such a great job bringing them up, while his wife was having an affair, so he said…i assume this is true, i haven’t spoken with her..as far as other women, i found when he and i met, he had just gotten out of a two year relationship and moved right on to me, which i found rather odd..how could someone move on so quick?? another red flag!!! he had a very bad upbringing, if he didn’t lie about this either…no father, brothers from all different fathers, his mom committed suicide in front of him on a overdose, he was brought up by alcoholic abusive relatives all over the US after that until he joined the army at 20 years old…red flags, red flags, red flags….
i am glad you are coping or trying to at least, at least you are relaxing through yoga and other forms of relaxation…
i have just turned 50 and my ex is 60 and his new wife is 30…how about you???
Janedoe.
yes the woman he brought the gifts to is the same woman that he wrote “I love you” to. I am 46 and he is 49. and yes he is still with the women she is 30 years old and live there in Colombia. They are having a long distance relationship. He usually goes to Colombia once or twice a year. Supposedly to see his family, but now I know is to look for women. you said how can someone move on so quick. simple, they have not feelings. They thrive for the rush of the moment, but when it fades away. They loose interest because they lack the capacity of loving or developing attachments.
yes like you said there are a lot of red lags, but we women are caring and nurturing creatures and often believe we are going to heal everybody and make then feel safe.
Under the radar
Absolutely did my ex do the same. Feel his muscles, look at his behind and so on. Like he was in “awe” how incredibly hot he was . And no he was not able to fake the truth. Once at our community pool he talked to some older ladies and they were all like “omg, her husband is so good looking and so charming “. Well shortly after, inside the home he was who he really was and probably still is. An abuser, a manipulator and a plain evil man. Anything could set him of. Things I didn’t have control over but it ended up being my fault and I even apologized to him. Can you believe I begged him to stay after the affair came out? I cried and begged. Because I was so addicted to him, co dependency like crazy.
After the discard I slowly had to learn to be my own person again. I was so brain washed to please him I forgot about me and myself. It was all about him, meting his standards , his expectations , his desires and his wishes. To think about it , it was very exhausting. I would rather work 80 hrs at my job then having my old life back. It’s so great not being lied to, not being mistreated and distrrspected. The pain of losing him was temporary, not permanent. The 20 years with him that was definetely permanent. But that is over. Thank God.
Kaya48
I cried and begged every time as well but I mostly took the blame at the time…now he’s crying and begging but I ain’t taking the blame this time!
I know, through your posts, that I will heal and I’ve been sleeping better since I moved out. I’m the one that discarded him, just need to get it through his head that I’m not going back!