UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Undertheradar
I know exactly what you mean about being susceptible to a sociopaths return. I tend to be a sucker that way as well. I don’t know like you do that mine will return soon or at all but I worry at times I will give in and forget all the deceit involved because I have no physical scars to remind me of the horrible way he was. The emotional scars are just as bad, but easier to put aside shd they return or contact..in my case anyways
I wish you well and look forward to any advice or help I can give or any advice you have to share 🙂
NWHSOM
lol funny you shd say he doesn’t deserve me because I told him so myself and didn’t know how I ended up with someone so dispicable…oh I can be pretty mean to him when I wanted to, but he cld never defend himself properly
I understand your deep concern for your daughter because just hearing what it’s done to your relationship breaks my heart. I wish there was a way to punish these cruel men especially for what they’ve done to children, because I always say when children are involved its rotten to the core.
Is there any communication whatsoever between you and her?
I’m glad I didn’t offend you and say something wrong 🙂
Jane Doe
I don’t think you can inflict any punishment on them because they are already so evil and really don’t care. I find that the closest to punishment is the no contact, going on with your life, not looking back and living for today. Maybe making plans for the future and not communicating with them on any way . I finally accepted the words “he does not love me, he never cared about me and he will never love me”. He discarded his wife, he threw his family away and for that I will have any contact with him again. I will not be sad for what he has done to me but I will never forget it. My “revenge” is that I am living a happy life now without him. That I will not give him any responses and that he does not exist for me anymore. It’s the only way I can go on after the pain he inflicted on me and my son , his only child. I will leave the forgiving part up to God.
These evil monsters have no understanding what they are doing to their children. They are selfish, little cowards who put their own needs first. And for that my ex has also lost the love of his child. Like I said , whores come and go, leaving your family for one , that’s for ever.
I meant to say that I will NEVER have any contact with him again. That means for the rest of my life.
annettepk, nwhsom, kaya48
its so good to get solid advice and know there are people who do care such as everyone on here 🙂
i wasn’t married to mine or had kids with him, although i have my kids from my first, i am so thankful i haven’t had to deal with him breaking my family, or treating my kids as you have dealt with…everyone has different stories with their ex but it all comes down to the fact that they could all be the same person due to their evilness and manipulative/sociopathic ways….youve all helped greatly with your valued advice, i swear i could not have inched the little bit forward that i have in the past couple months without this site…thank you <3
Jane doe
I feel exactly the same. This site is such a trememdous help on my recovery. Even though we all have our own, different experiences , the evil is basically the same person.
Today I was thinking that while talking to him or being in any contact , I hated the way I felt. I hated the tears that I cried. I hated feeling worthless and I hated being angry. And I hated to keep asking him “why” and “if only”.
Once I took my life into my own hands, I decided :
1. No one else would tell me what to like or not.
2. No one else could tell me how to act.
3. No one else would tell me that all of my thoughts and feelings were wrong .
And this website has taught me the above and I will forever be thankful for everyone on here who has given me such strength , which in return turned to power and self control. Something I desperately needed after the discard and my ugly divorce. Thank you and I hope my story can be the strength for someone else going through a crazy making experience. In the end there was the light and no more darkness. 🙂
Kaya48
Yes I agree in your case you were so distraught when you’d hear from your ex or speak to him..your stomach was probably in knots each time your phone rang it he would enter the room, it’s a wonder you held yourself together so well. It is a terrible feeling and very stressful to have this lingering and weighing on on shoulders. I want to get there, where you are now, and have that outlook to feel nothing anymore, and I will get there, slowly but surely I just keep reading as much as a can, I keep coming back to this site to get words of wisdom and going NC for 6 weeks now, will help in the longrun, I know it. It’s a process to go through to get there.
I sometimes wish besides what mine has done that I had it as bad as others (not because I want to go through the pain and hurt) so that I could hate him quicker and just get out of this rut…I know it’s a weird way to think, but because mine twisted his words and was sneaky and a good BSer, sometimes it’s easier to fall for it and overlook it versus what yours has done to you and your child, where there is no forgiveness, for example. There is no forgiveness for any crap they pull its just easier for me to hate someone when the physical proof is there…the NC would have happened sooner for me instead of always making excuses and forgiving him…I hope that makes a little bit of sense 🙂
Janedoe
They lack transparency, no authenticity! Not an easy read…
Some, actually most. If my spath had hit me I would have left 14 years ago but he didn’t. He twisted my whole life into a complete mind f*** little by little over time and now we are left to put ourselves back together….
Regarding recovery, not that my ordeal is over in my viper’s nest of a family I married into with these conscience-less conditions, when I see [or think of] a call coming in or the face of one of these people I stand up and say a strong “NO” at the advice of learning how that feels in my body. Hopefully being able to develop a physiologic sense about people who mean me harm. (Sensorimotor therapy).
I also found a book called Safe People which is heavily Christian, in good ways, in terms of watching closely peoples’ traits, and learning how to make better decisions in the future about who you allow into your life, and who you walk away from and pray for their growing up and not harming others. And no, I am not Christian, but GOOD (wanting to inspire goodness and growth in others) vs EVIL (knowing you are + continuing to harm others) is universal. Warm wishes to everyone recovering and learning to trust again or for the first time.
Newstepmom
Thanks for the tips! Everything on LF has been helpful to us all.
I’ve decided this situation is bigger than me. It is not something I can fix nor do I have all the answers or variables. Lord knows why he reacted, to my leaving, in a way I wasn’t expecting? In fact he is nothing like a normal person so I’m asking myself why I even bother to try and make sense of it?..
I’ve studied all I want, I’ve wasted years trying to analyze the twisted way he does things and all its netted me is a life of chaos and confusion. NO MORE! I’m giving this one over to God, he can sort it out while I try and have a life.
No contact no matter what!! I use to believe my ex was just a hateful vindictive cheater. Now I am seeing that it is worse. Been divorced 8 years, separated 10. And still the ex feel the need to text message everyday. I have become so drained I feel physically ill. We share 2 children together, but they are older 14, and 16. My children are very smart and communicate with me. I do not need to speak to my ex anymore about visits. As the children have realized that they must make plans. Because to involve my ex, there will always be a problem. My ex is so hateful and evil, that it’s more important to inconvenience me, than to do what is right by the kids.
My ex seems to be losing touch with reality. It’s getting worse. Even tho I block numbers, and refuse to have any contact (as all contact is only a way to manipulate and punish me) my ex still continues to text from unknown numbers. I will not have contact with my ex. Because NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. Yet my ex won’t leave me alone. I want to respond and say “are you delusional? Did you not take the hint that I want nothing to do with you! You have ruined my life, you cheated and lied so many times, and I am done!! WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO CONTact ME!?!”
I’m so frustrated that my ex will not stop harassing me and my family. I’m exhausted, tired, disgusted. I blame myself for taking my ex back after cheating on me the first time we were married. And I blame myself for thinking my ex was a good person and really had changed, and bringing children into this horrific situation. My children are older and surprisingly turned out to be wonderful children. They are smart. Independent, and loving. I wish I could give them a normal life. But I can’t. The ex will always be there to make sure I am miserable. Even if that means hurting the children. It’s such an ugly situation.
He wants you to “respond and say “are you delusional? Did you not take the hint that I want nothing to do with you! You have ruined my life, you cheated and lied so many times, and I am done!! WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO CONTact ME!?!” He wants to keep pushing your buttons (and anyone else he can successfully harass) as long as he can. He probably senses on some level that he’s driving you crazy and that’s what spaths like to do.
It’s easy to blame yourself for taking him back, but consider that if you hadn’t taken him back you might now be blaming yourself for not giving him another chance that might have worked out, and for not being more forgiving. Your children are wonderful because you are a good mom to them.
Consider if you can use the grey rock technique to help make your ex lose interest in irritating you by constant texting and by trying to harm the children. It’s pretty much the only thing that ‘works’ with spaths. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
You are absoluty right that no contact is the only way we can recover, get our life back on track and have piece. Anytime you let evil back in your life, the consequences are harsh and painful. I divorced my chesting ex and to this day he blames me for it. I changed my phone no, email and he still sends little notes with my alimony check. I don’t even read them anymore and put them away in a folder. There is no way I will have any communication with him ever again. He can try but he won’t succeed. And that is my victory , that I am in control now. 17 months and for ever of no contact .
Absolutely agreed! My ex does everything possible to try and get my attention, either to upset me, or just to get me to respond. My ex is upset with me, abscessed with making my life miserable. It has been so long and both of us have moved on remarried. Yet the text messages are still coming every day about the craziest nonsense ever. I have consider changing my number, but it would be no use, my ex would steal one of my children’s phone and get my new number from that. My children know that something is not right, but I have never told them bad things about their other parent. I assume that eventually they will figure it out themselves.
It does scare me that my exes so upset with me. Because it is been so long, 10 years is a long time. And for my ex to believe that they have some right to control and tell me what to do, is just delusional. I feel that my ex is dangerous, and I do everything possible to avoid at the kids functions.
What is really scary about my ex is that I feel he has become desperate. The desperation to talk to me, not because my ex wants to get back together. But simply because he wants to control my life. Wants to know that I’m miserable. I really feel that this will never stop, even though I have not even spoken to my ex and over a year, not responded to one text, this will never stop. The only way this will end is if I die, or my ex does. But either way my ex will never “get” that there is nothing that could be said that I would respond to.
That’s because my ex is delusional, it’s not even about getting that I will never respond, it’s just about annoying bothering me and making sure that my day is interrupted
Kay and kaya48
While I agree with you more than 100% that nc is the only way to go and heal I can see in your cases where it benefits you and hopefully teaches these idiots a lesson and also for yor peace of mind and your well being and family it has to be done
I’ve been nc for 7 weeks now and the funny thing is, unlike you both, it’s almost as though that’s what mine is doing to me, as though I am the bad one and he is staying away so he can get peace of mind…is this all part of the sociopathic/narc behavior as well?
I keep wondering maybe he knows his actions were wrong and his latest actions were the worst he could possibly do to anyone, he is embarrassed and just wants to go on peacefully?? I can’t make sense of it at times because it seems different than others on here