UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Janedoe
When I first found evidence (never quite enough to convict him) of my spaths life, he didn’t speak to me for 10 weeks and we lived in the same house! Don’t be so sure it’s not a normal reaction – sh*t depends in depth!
Undertheradar
I guess you’re right..I mean, I suppose we never expected to be treated so cruelly and cheated and lied to, right? So why shd we expect normal behavior from them now…
Really..what can they say at this point unless they need something or want something..mine would look a little stupid writing and saying “yeh uh, hi, I suppose I am a lying filthy son of a b***ch, and treated you like a piece of trash while I went behind your back and married a little girl. How are you doing ?”
Mine probably thinks the more he contacts me the more he has to hear the truth of what he has done, and that will just make him feel awful (poor thing) and he doesn’t want that now, especially during his honeymoon stage…stupid idiot
Janedoe
My spath has a lot to gain by getting me back but I didn’t see it when I left. At that time I truly believed he hated me and was only in it for the assets he would lose if we separated – now his complete attitude change towards me tells me I was right…Although he’s extremely convincing and says all the right things?…
We’re not walking in their shoes and making decisions from their head space so its pointless to try and figure them out. I will say that I’m of the opinion that your ex will be dragging your name through the mud in order to throw off suspicion and that will stop him from contacting you because he’d look like a fool if someone discovered the truth – can are clever in a very cunning way…
I found that I could more accurately predict my ex’s behavior when I recognized and accepted what motivates him and what he wants and what he doesn’t care about. It’s mind boggling, but when I stopped expecting any kind of normal behavior from him, and recognized that he’s motivated by sadism, power, control, sucking up to certain people in our society, using people, and lying to accomplish the BS he wants, I can predict his behavior. I recognize that he thinks he would be better off if I did not exist, and he would do anything if he thought he could get away with it, and I am therefore very careful.
Kay
It would not make difference if we tell them “you have cheated and lied so many times”, he would not care. My ex twisted everything to make me think I am crazy. I was married over 20 years, and now have to pick up all the pieces and start all new. For the longest it botherede that everything I worked for has been deleted, 14000$ to my attorney. But it was so much worth it. Living with this crazy maker was very exhausting. I would not trade me new life for my past. For nothing. The divorce mess was worth every penny.
Jane doe
They will never admit any wrong doing , ever. The little lame statement “I guess I am a jerk” don’t even come close. My ex never once apologized. Not to my son or me. That is why I would never communicate with him again. If he wanted this little co worker if his he could have asked for a divorce instead of lying, cheating , hiding things, trying to send me to a mental institution,filing an injunction against me. It was not enough for him to just cheat, no he had to be even more evil . Him being a cop he had easy doing. They are such monsters. I never want to see his face again. My son feels the same way.
hi kaya48
i can’t believe yours still hasn’t admitted he has done all of that to you? even with the proof they can’t be proven to be “a jerk”? if they purposely won’t admit it, don’t they think they’ve done wrong?? what do they call it when they act like this? nothing?
mine is not any better i suppose when he said ‘i didn’t lie to you, be sure. i may have misconstrued things so as not to hurt you, but i didn’t lie”
wow…ok…so he didn’t lie, cheat, connive, finnagle? he MISCONSTRUED!!!
i sent him back a message with the meaning of misconstrue from the dictionary…it means to misunderstand…or misinterpret,
ok so he purposely misinterpreted when he told me what he did, so i wouldn’t be hurt??? what the hell does that even mean!!! they are lower than monsters kaya, they are the scum of the earth 🙂
Hi Janedoe,
Kaya is right, they would never admit any wrong doing. Even if they knew they were wrong, they would either turn it around to somehow put the blame on you, so in their eyes, they feel justified for doing whatever they did. Once they feel justified, it’s like they convince themselves that it was all you to begin with and they’re not bad at all. It’s what they have to keep doing otherwise they would have to face the dead dark soulless monsters that they truly are!
hi sashastrong
yes you and kaya are right, i am just opening up to that idea that they never admit doing wrong…its like it hit me after i wrote my response to kaya above when my ex said he misconstrued the truth…and when kaya’s ex told her she can’t handle the truth…wow..,
i think its the other way around…we already know the truth, they just can’t handle to tell it…
they somehow switch it around like THEY have to be delicate and walk on eggshells with us, when it comes to admitting something they have done to hurt us…what a cop out!! “cop out” no pun intended i know kaya’s ex is a cop…;)
I keep wondering if IM the narc evenso. I KNOW *he* is. Yet I keep thinking, IS it me? Maybe he is one, but i am TOO?
I have gotten so i just ignore him when i am tired of him. of his constant supply need…demand for attention, over the top neediness. like a 15yo girl. he will txt me “Soooooo” (nothing else, just soooo) meaning i must make convo now. or “i guess ur busy meaning” its been 10 min since we txtd and even tho we are not in the middle of a convo and he never tries to make convo rly and 10:1 I am making dinner, etc i shud have txtd him. I AM HIS ENTERTAINMENT–he cannot think of anything to occupy his mind—BORING LIFE and MIND. it “rly hurt him” when i told him that. awwww grow the F up.
he will try telling me its not all about me. its about HIM sometimes.
HE ALWAYS says this lol ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. (clue number 1 lol)
well, our issues are about him being an ass to ME.
sooooooo…ya know…
yes I still think maybe im narcissitic. i rly know there is no future to the relationship and am only sad that there is no one else–no one wud think of me at all (well he thinks obsessively about me; that’s not good either!). he wudnt even come out to see me (i have no car and we’re an hour apart) and go out for Sat nite even tho we had not seen each other for 2 or 3 wks. if he cudnt see me longer than he wudnt bother coming at all.
that need for control. it must be hard to live with, having to be so controlling. i am controlling at times, but i can relax and have to learned to let go of alooooot.
anyway, i wish i cud just accept the fact that if i am worried i am a narc, i am not. maybe im another type of disordered personality tho……?
Ain’t,
You might consider not dating anyone for awhile. You could put your energy into things about your own life – maybe make some changes that would make you happy. Think of a few goals for yourself, consider taking a class or course, participate in a new hobby or something you used to do that you’d like to take up again.
janedoe, mine told me “I told you I can do anything I want, there’s nothing you can do about it, and now you know it”.
He was right. Except that if he wanted me dead, he didn’t get that. Although I am sorry for her, thank God he found a new target that he was able to rush into marriage. That is keeping him occupied while I am in my cocoon trying to go through metamorphosis.
Admitting any wrongdoing? That’s a laugh.
I have a few questions I’d love to see your thoughts on:
1) What is the difference between standard bullying and -spath bullying?
In Patricia Evans reading, some will realize when told that they are being abusive and will edit their actions after that point. I believe she intimates that not many men will amend their abusive ways when it’s explained to them they are abusive, and she writes that has never seen a woman who will come to her for treatment to become non-abusive.
So what is a -spath versus a simple bully? Are -spaths the bullying sorts who refuse to amend their behaviors if/when confronted about it, at least over time? And, is there a specified amount of time not becoming with-conscience, that the diagnosis becomes -spath-ish?
The destruction I see these folks doing is not so invisible as the -spaths I interact with think do all -spaths think they’re just great, and that no one knows what jerks they are? I’ve been warned by both my husband’s and his ex wife’s friends, family, and colleagues that they’re kinda crazy, I will “lose” to them, and know their assertions against me aren’t true and that they are insecure in spreading the nonsense they spread, and see them as “losers”. The prime victims I see in their triangulation of me are themselves, their internal shame of course (feeding their perma-frowns) and mainly their kids who are becoming them in dourness, anti social personalities, lying and refusing to keep personal commitments. They get straight As though, and mope when their mom / husband’s ex wife, finds out they have an A- in gym. Not pleasing mom is their greatest disappointment and fear, by my observation.
I wish I could assert any goodness on the kids’ lives, though both parents, the ex wife’s new husband and both my husband and his ex wife’s parents are all oddly “against” me, which began the day I arrived, and certainly the first day the kids told their mom I “laugh all the time”, was home all the time (husband [of course] asked me not to work], the kid loved the creative hobby I introduced encouraged to pursue a materialistically narcissistic hobby instead (spa-going), and the other lost an incredible talent after I arrived gifting things applicable to their creative natural talent and complimented their professional-level skill in this art (I know as I’ve worked in it), and now both kids only pursue the “popular” kid things the mom never excelled in as a kid (so I’ve heard). It kinda kills me, but I’ve learned to not care and only laugh again, as I make my path out. But sheesh, what a case of psych cases in these high-level executives! I’ve got the 5% of execs on my hands, and they are so dumb, it’s… sometimes frightening, mostly laughably immature in its execution.
3) Anyone else see this in execs in this space?
4) Anyone else see happiness [and love / goodness] as -spaths’ true enemy, their greatest fear?
Just musing, since there’s a crowd familiar w this space here. Kinda interesting, at least to learn to watch out for. Again, I recommend Safe People for reading.
For janedoe above, what you write reminds me of a famous NYC filmmaker-comedian who married his step daughter, no? I remember his excusing (famous, right?) his behavior with, “The heart wants what the heart wants,” my having heard in my troop of vipers, “We fell in love,” an immature method of disrupting 4 kids’ lives and two marriages.
Hi newstepmom
I have to look over the bullying questions you mentioned and give it some thought, I don’t know much about it and would not want to misinform you. When I think of bullying I think of kids at school being pushed around or verbally abused… I would think they two forms of bullying you asked about are similar. Why wouldn’t they be the same. Perhaps when someone is young and does the bullying that child is likely to continue this behavior into adulthood, and become a bully in the form of a spath? Something to look into..
Would you be referring to woody Allen and how he married his adopted daughter?
Newstepmom
Have you tried to go NO CONTACT with your husbands ex wife? She sounds like a shrew who is selfish and every interaction with you is negative. Let your husbamd deal with her. You should have nothing else to do with her. Especially if dealing with her is hurting you and you mental health. We went no contact with my husbands lunatic ex wife. And our lives have become more peaceful. Of course the ex is obsessed and continues to harass and call from unknown numbers. We just laugh (also) at all the antics.The ex continues to prove how unstable and dangerous she is. So we keep our distance. We do holidays separate and birthdays because the ex is so unstable we do not feel safe being in the same location.
Besides calling, what does she do to prove her instability? Harassment is against the law, and there are steps you can take to stop it.
Jane doe
Wow, that ex if yours is something else. My ex used to say “I have to lie to you because you cannot handle the truth, I could cheat on you , and you would never know it ” . I ignored this stupid talk but in reality a husbsnd should never talk to his wife like this. Total disrespect. Like I said they view others as mere extensions of them. Not as a human being. My ex always tried to make me think I am the one who caused all this. And it worked for about 3 months. To be honest those 3 months after the discard were pure hell for me. He texted me what an insane woman I am, he did not love me, but tolerate me, I wAs controlling and manipulating. He was trying to mirror himself and put his traits on me. I would call or text him, no answer. He said that there was no service for the phone.
Looking at his financial statements in the divorce really opened my eyes. When I called him, of course he did not answer the phone because they were sipping drinks in Key West. It was not a service problem, he ignored my calls. Just lie after lie. Like my lawyer said “he did not deserve me or his son “.
I am very sad for you too. If I was on my 20’s it would be eAsier just to forget and go on. Being almost 50 it is a different story, but we can manage to pick up and go on. I have noticed a trmemdous change in me since the no contact. He cannot push my buttons anymore. He cannot upset me, make me cry or make feel ugly and worthless. I hope you can feel like I do one day. It does not happen overnight, it takes a lot of strength. I used to ask God for my ex to return. He did not give me what I prayed for. Instead God gave me something a thousand times better, he gave me my life back. When you ask God for something he will give you much more than you what you asked for. But remember it might not be the exact thing you asked for. Only God knows what is best for you. As always I will keep you in my prayers.
kaya48
“i could cheat on you and you would never know it”
what kind of manipulator says that??? red flags all the way!!!
god kaya, that was pure evil..no husband should do this, only the devil…yuck
i hope too things will change and like I’ve mentioned before you and everyone on here have been a GODSEND..if i had not found this site, if i hadn’t been in tears and so distraught and typed in “men who cheat and lie” in google, i never would have come across this site…i owe this site a beginning to a new outlook in making me understand what i am dealing with….if i hadn’t heard stories or gotten fabulous insight from women here, i would be a wreck…
you have come such a long way from what you are telling me…you have your life back and your son by your side…one of the best feats ever…and YOU did this, i too hope i can follow in your footsteps..i just ask you to bear with me and my meltdowns and my repeated questions lol…with time, NC and insight from women as yourself, i will be able to give advice and offer helpful words to other women who come across this site 🙂
oh! i just noticed an article up above about “Jane Doe” loll that Jane Doe, is not me!!! i swear!!! lol
i couldn’t believe that when i saw it…
Jane doe
Thanks for making me laugh. Yes, a total “cop out”. I too googled “my narcissistic cheating husband ” and found this website. These stories on here made me think and truly gave me a lot of hope. Hope for a light at the tunnel and strength to get there. Once I filed the divorce papers I felt this big weight of me. I don’t think my ex wanted a divorce even though he threatened me with it all the time. I think he just wanted to have his own perverted life, keep manipulating me and still be a part of the family. Of course at his convenience . He would have never thought I was filing. I did it in secrecy with my attorney. Can you picture him getting divorce papers served the day he returned from a cruise with her and also by a fellow cop. That alone was a little victory for me.
Janedoe, I know exactly where you are. I was in that hurting phase for 3 months, then came anger and then Finally acceptance. That’s when I was strong enough for the no contact. I promise to you that it will get easier with time. I honestly cannot remember the last time I cried. And now I find myself not even thinking of the ex anymore. Like he never existed. My counsellor said that I defibetely won this battle and this is why the ex is so upset. He lost control. He has his whores, his freedom and his money but no control over me and his son. Something he so much enjoyed for 20 plus years. Now he can try to control his whores. Will they put up with it? I am not sure but that’s not my concern.
My neighborlady yelled at me again. My mailbox was leaning against her mailbox. Somebody either backed into my mailbox or hit it with a bat. And neighborlady snarled at me to get it fixed.
I ignored her since.
She called me this weekend. I didn’t take her call. But, decided to return her call her call today. I told her why I was ignoring her.
She said she didn’t yell at me. That I imagined it. I told her that she snarled at got bugged eyed at me. She continue to deny, and said I’m imagining things. I said she is never on the receiving end.
I think she is nuts.
As New Step Mom said, it’s helpful to you to take the high road and not let the crazy neighbor bring you down to her level of interaction which is likely her goal, maybe subconsciously.
Sounds like you tried to explain to her and she wouldn’t listen to you. I think she is nuts, mean, selfish, and wanting to fight. If you can resist the urge to fight her, you will have won. Consider using grey rock technique when you have to deal with her.http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
I find, often, it can be effective to extend grace. She is suffering in her life as much as you may be. We all might appreciate grace when we are snarly, no? I find grace often leads to brighter openings in life. I neither of you are suffering currently in your lives. Peace to you, and your neighbor. 🙂
To Newstepmom, I agree with you about taking a step back, cause we all have situations in life going on that others don’t know about. But, it’s that she lies and turns it around on me.
Kaya48
Just the fact he went on a cruise wjth another woman when you married is reason enough to divorce him! Yes that would be priceless to see the look on his face..a Kodak moment 😉
Whether or not the whores he is with at the moment will stick around? I wondered myself what the OW thinks when they find out what they are in for, or what do theydo when they find out..how many women has he been with that you’re aware of? Have any of them left him before?
Jane-
I think it’s more that he doesn’t want “her” to know. The reason that spaths toss relationships to the side is to invalidate their victim and prevent any credible information about them seeping into their new relationship.
Joyce
Jm short
Makes sense what you are saying. It’s not like I was a fling of his, we had a full 3-4 year relationship up until the very day he boarded the plane to he with her and big promises if us being together were still being made by him. I’m sure once he got to her, he liked her better than expected (and they were gettin married and only had met her the year before), he wasn’t sure what to expect from her.
He has dropped all contact like he’s going NC with me. But you are correct, he is sneaky and was always covering his tracks when with me although I found out so much stuff that he called me very perceptive one time. She is 30 years younger an I’m sure she isn’t Leary of him, yet, so yes it makes complete sense to avoid any contact with me until his life I settled and he is sure no one is checking him. I don’t doubt he will resume some sort of contact at one point. Are these kind of people generally paranoid? It seems yes, to me.
Kaya – totally agree on the “divorce and worth every penny” quote. To get these people out of our life is worth everything. I would give up everything I have (except my daughter and my cats) to get the psyhotic ex to LEAVE US ALONE!
Kay
Yes I gave up everything to get him out of my life. Not my dog, my cat and my son of course. But all material things , like my beautiful home, my choice whether to work or not, my car. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I would rather work 80 hrs a week now and I have my freedom and my peace and not being lied to. Luckily i was awarded permanent spousal support for the rest of my life. Which makes my ex very upset.
Jane doe
I don’t know any of the women he messed around with. They were all co workers of the police department or fellow female soldiers when he was in the Army. I just found all that information before he discarded me. It was easy because he was using his phone and his computer. The phone was in my name and the computer had spy ware installed. I actually had no clue all these years but now every lie hd told me can be traced back. I wish I would have installed spyware years ago but then again he had plenty of supply while being deployed. Towards the end he got very sloppy and careless. Almost like he wanted to be discovered in his deceits.
To this day I am so grateful for my attorney to help making the decision to divorce him. Without the attorney I could have not done it.