UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Undertheradar
Yours is trying to get you back but not because of what you originally thought? What kind of things does he say to you?
Mine would look like an ass at this point trying to contact me. It would only prove that I was correct about what he’s done on impulse..deciding to marry someone he met one time a year ago, moving across the world to be with her and family and live with them, and marrying her despite the thirty year age difference..if he contacted me now, it would prove he made a stupid spur of the moment decision and that would prove me right and him wrong…he always goes after the very young girls because they aren’t wise enough to figure
Out his ways..and I, being the oldest he’s dated, 45 when I met him but a ten year difference still, I picked up every move he made eventually and outsmarted him constantly…in fact he called me sneaky ha! He has no need for me at the moment, he wants a child with this women and they are having one and he just loves her to death..!! I have to wonder where were her parents when all this happened..they really didnt advise het too well on life if they agreed to her getting married that impulsively. Only an abnormal person “falls in love” after having sex a cpl times a year ago with a young person..he really knows alot about life huh? He sure had me fooled when he said he loved me and wanted my babies, after day number one
I agree Annette. I could not even imagine dating. It is life changing experience. I recently got to talk with Donna again and she said some good things and gave me suggestions to get thru.
Tara,
Good to hear from you! You’re in my prayers and I hope you’re making progress in recovery.
Taralev
I was wondering how you are. Good to see your post. How is your recovery going?
yes, annette, as i said somewhere else on here, i have to learn contentment without connection.
its a bleak aspect to accept. i have very little hermitness in me. but until then i dont think ill be open to anything.
kinda like dying to a vision in order to allow it to become.
but without knowing when…or truly even IF.
Cutting contact is very difficult at first, because the spath has done everything he can to ‘hook’ the victim, and to manipulate her into hyper focusing on him. Spaths use our good traits that work well in relationships with normal nice people, against us.
I actually became more of a hermit when I was with my ex spath; he isolated me, gradually cutting me off from friends and family. Thankfully, he did not ultimately succeed and I am returning to a full life with a lot more social interacting with a variety of friends and family than I ever did when he was around.
If you can ‘get over the hump’ and maintain no contact for awhile, you will probably start to feel better exponentially. Many victims find that it works that way. It’s very difficult at first, though.
AnnettePK
OMG! I suck at the no contact rule…. he obviously found a carrot I could finally catch… now I’m left wondering how to get out of it again? I know I’m never going back to him but its hard to find the courage to just say “enough!”
It’s almost like I allow history to be written off and I’m waiting for him to make a mistake again, something so bad that I’d have a real reason to get away from him yet the history should be enough for me? Is this normal? Do we all allow them to do so much damage, over years, that we are always looking for something so bad that we’d finally have permission to leave – who has this kind of power over us!
oh no, not the narc. thats not the vision i speak of. hes boring n there is no future there.
hes actually pathetically begging me rite now n its not NC im doing. ive just admitted my boredom to myself n am slowly trying to accept that disconnect thats been there a long time. not just with him, that im connected to no one. to realize it. to embrace that its ok. to truly believe that.
becuz its the only way to happiness in the end.
at least in my case. i need to connect with ppl. its who i am. but it cant be my master.
n thats scary as shyt.
Major changes are scary. You can do it. You’re worth it.
Consider connecting with good people who appreciate what you have to offer. Satisfy your need for excitement in ways that don’t involve spaths.
my problem is no one to connect with lol
but my energy will change and ppl will be there as it does.
its up to me, making the rite choices to free up the positive n block the negative.
Jesus doesnt just wave the wand. it would mean nothing n be thrown away easily.
david hid in caves b4 kingship was given to him. i am certainly no king david. how much more wilderness do i maybe need. but my wilderness of course, for me, is horrific. all i see now is dying to a vision.
not the birth that is the outcome of such a labor.
connection…someone to bounce ideas off of, to evaluate n discuss. to interact.
romance is awesome too.
but deep connections can happen without romance.
at least, thats my new mantra lol
Aint, I don’t have much hermitness in me either, I hear you on the need for connection, and I feel it the same way you describe it. I am a talker and a sharer, and it’s rough not having someone in my life to do that with. (My ex used to say my head would pop if he didn’t let me talk things out – of course, we know how that ended up, lol.)
I am trying to find other ways to connect for the time being, that don’t include bouncing, evaluating or discussing. I volunteer and keep things light (keeping things light is a constant challenge for me, I always want to hash out everything I’m feeling). I’m practicing not sharing everything and just enjoying being around other people. It’s not easy.
I want/need more, but one day at a time.
HanaleiMoon
I’m similar to what you described. I like my down time alot where I can just think but then again I have to keep busy at certain times of day or I will go crazy. I too like to talk alot and yes mine used to refer to me as a bundle of energy so I try nt to speak of any of these issues involving him when I’m with friends who don’t really know what to say or advice to give. That’s why I faithfully try to read up on sociopaths because it actually gives me some sort of peace of mind when I see others situations 🙂
I am so angry right now. Angry that I’m having to make so many changes in my life, no matter how small they seem. I’m angry that I don’t feel safe, that I’ve had to amp up home security. I’m angry that it’s not safe for me to be on social networking because of mutual friends and stranger contact. Angry that I have to change my email because I’m receiving so many messages and a ton of sex site spam (I’m not putting that past him for being the cause). Angry that I need to check my computer (again) and wipe it. Angry that I’m receiving constant calls from unknown disconnected numbers. Angry that he knows my schedule and I receive calls the moment I am relaxing from work, late at night when I’m tired and during the weekend when I’m trying to enjoy my time (never during working hours, of course). Angry that I have to get a new number and limit contacts. Angry that now my close friends and family are hearing from strangers via social networking. And SO angry that he is SO covert! I feel like I’m the crazy one sometimes, even though I know it’s him. It all seems so small, but I’m trying to have a life and all this stuff takes time. More importantly, it’s all stuff that’s personal to me and my life. Even though it’s for my safety and a healthy state of mind, I’m so angry that I need to change things because of him!
I’m trying to take steps to get past my anger. I even made an anger box so I can write angry things down and be rid of them temporarily. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel like it’s all in my head, sometimes I feel like I’m never going to get off this crazy train and am going to lose it!!! It’s amazing that a single human being can F’ with my life as much as this man has managed to.
Sometimes I want to call him and yell at him. I know that will only make it worse. Why won’t he just leave me alone??? I haven’t had contact with him since the beginning of July. Every time I disconnect myself in one way, he finds another to get through. When will it stop?
TDS79 – You are right to be angry. It may help you to do something physical to get the anger out of your system. I spent a lot of time envisioning my sociopathic ex-husband’s face on a pillow and beating it until I collapsed. Some people break things (things that don’t matter, of course).
Do whatever you need to do to process the anger, as long as it doesn’t involve contacting him (which is useless) and hurting other people or animals.
It will help a lot to get the anger energy out.
Donna,
Thank you for your response. I tried punching a pillow after reading your response, although by the time I did I think I was too emotionally exhausted so I didn’t have the lasting effort I wanted to. My dogs seemed a little concerned but I wasn’t curled up in a ball crying like I expected to be. I look forward to punching the pillow while I’m in the moment!
I’m not sure what I would’ve done without the support I’ve received on this site, the shared stories of others in similar situations, the encouragement to maintain NC and the articles that serve as a constant reminder that sociopaths/psychopaths exist and my reality is what it is. I am grateful for you and your readers/posters.
TDS79 – Yeah, my dog didn’t like it when I engaged in pillow-punching either. I had to shut the door. When I was through he came in and jumped all over me, trying to comfort me. Pets are wonderful.
I also spent a lot of time curled up on the floor crying. It’s another good way to get the emotional pain out of your system. Let it rip.
TDS79, I went through a phase when I would go to the gym and get on the treadmill and lose myself in a fantasy of beating the crap out of him. It helped and even though it made me worry about myself (a little), and the worst of the anger dissipated. I’ve never felt the need to do that again. I am not a person who would ever hit another person (I’d run away first) and avoid conflict (great target material).
I share your anger at having to make so many changes in your life. I’ve had to too, and some are bitter pills to swallow. I struggle with thinking that 3 plus years after the final discard, my life is still in transition mode and I’ve yet to hit anything close to a stride. In my case, my ex hasn’t been contacting me, but he left my life in such devastation! I’m just not myself again yet. Or maybe this is the new me (yikes I hope not)! I can’t make decisions, and my sense of safety in the world is shaky.
I used to be so self confident, strong, and unafraid!
I like your idea of an anger box. I think I’ll try that one!
HanaleiMoon,
I love that you lost yourself and the treadmill! There are less healthy ways to deal with anger, I’m proof of that! I really need to start finding better outlets. Decision making is also a struggle for me now. It affects me in so many ways. Even how to take next steps. This week was emotionally draining for me because I made decisions to take steps for my safety and put them all in place. It was time consuming, frustrating and all I could do was think of my ex and the hell he’s caused me. I too used to be confident, strong and unafraid! Now my life is fear. I also worry this is the new me. Will I ever be free of this all? I’m so stuck in my head I make myself uncomfortable and it becomes almost unbearable at times. I want to escape myself. I want the old me back! The old me, but a more aware me. Will we ever find balance? I hope so.
TDS79, it’s like you’re inside my head when you wrote this:
Now my life is fear. I also worry this is the new me. Will I ever be free of this all? I’m so stuck in my head I make myself uncomfortable and it becomes almost unbearable at times. I want to escape myself. I want the old me back! The old me, but a more aware me.
I think with time, small successes leading to bigger successes, new and better things coming into our lives, and more time, more time, more time”we will feel like ourselves again, and better. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, making small decisions and seeing them work, and doing whatever it takes to get too far into our own heads.
Hearing your (and others) experiences here is so helpful and supportive!
I feel you TDS79”.I’ve been divorced for 8 years from socio and for 5 of those he did everything he could to sabotage my personal, educational and professional life. Sadly, he made it happen. I lost friends, I lost my job. I felt the shift from people. He can use his “This is Dr. ______” card and people listen.
Donna is right about the emotional. It’s hard but I thought I had gone through the pain. Now, because of the situation with my 13 year old daughter, I am going through it again. But, I am stronger, different, smarter now. I can handle the pain. But I, too, am angry. What makes me so mad is at myself. After all these years and therapy and change the minute I had to have contact (through my attorney to his, altho he emails me. and texts me) with him I go to the fear place. I REACT. I get SCARED. I FEEL AFRAID. I DOUBT myself. I wonder if it is all IS me and my doing. Then, I reread notes to myself, a response I got on this site, and remember DO NOT REACT. STAY UNEMOTIONAL about him. That doesn’t mean don’t feel my emotions, but it means don’t react to him and what he or his wife says. Sick attacks sick so she must also be sick to have married him. I know I was not emotionally healthy when I met him but as soon I got better I saw it all with him. But I had married him so I tried to work it out. LIttle did I know he was a sociopath. So working it out was never going to be an option.
So ignore the bastard. I feel sorry for mine. He has a horrid, dark heart and he is trapped and in hell. He told me he is a miserable man and he is. At least I don’t feel like he does. I love. I have empathy. I got the most incredible thank you from a patient of mine today about how I help her and to what lengths I go to help her. She was almost in tears because she felt so loved by me and she said if I feel this way and I ‘ve only known you for 2 weeks, you must have a lot of patients say this to you. And you know? They do! I have to remember these things.
I, too, say “Why wont’ he leave me alone” and the thing that scares me most is he never will. He will always try to sabotage my life. But, he does not have that power any more because Ive been able to make a life and a name for myself and make good friends who know me and who support me in this. I do not have to have fear any more. I have strength. You have strength. Find a way to make sure he can’t get to you. Do not read anything he sends. Maybe you need to shut down social media for a while. Be boring! Read the Gray Rock analogy written on this site. But don’t shut things down in fear. Shut it down, if you do, with strength and conviction and choice.
Altho I’m back in it with my ex socio due to custody stuff, I usually make sure to never allow him to contact me or read anything he sends me. I live my life. Sadly, right now I have to relive the hell from years before and it is not fun. And yes, I wish he’d just leave me and my daughter alone. I don’t know why I have to go through this but I do. So I’ll do it while taking good care of myself and not let him get me to react emotionally or fearfully.
chatnoir,
“At least I don’t feel like he does. I love. I have empathy.” Like you, that’s what helps me keep going. I work with children who have special needs and it drives me to keep helping others. It’s funny that after his abuse I still feel surprised and so grateful at the feedback from families that I receive. It means the world. I’m convinced my ex wanted me more because of the empathy I have to offer.
My heart goes out to you for having to endure this for so long. How is your daughter handling all of this? I’m glad you’re staying strong.
It’s baffling how simple contact can bring you back to that fear. That’s why I’m having a hard time. Every call from a strange number, strange messages, etc, they all bring me back in an instant. I’m finding that making changes has been a process. I finally got off social networking at the end of Sept, I’m finally changing my phone and email so that I don’t have to face the anxiety. I still fear the “What’s next” after I cut off more ways to contact. To clarify, I don’t get messages from him anymore. It’s mostly stranger contact, or what I like to call “Stranger Danger” and mutual friends I don’t communicate with any longer. I still have too many means of contact available. Just tonight I was wondering why I haven’t received notifications from an online account I have. I decided to check the account online (nothing important) and surprise, surprise(!) my email had been changed (it’s an account he’d have easy access to through his work). Yet another thing to get rid of…
I wish they would just leave us alone. Sadly yours may not leave you alone, especially because of the tie you have with your daughter. I admire your strength. I’ve shared my story on here and it’s most likely my spath has held an obsession/stalking behaviors for me for nearly two decades before seducing me. My counselor (she is specialized in this field) is working with me on changing my life for safety reasons and has been preparing me that my safety actions will most likely need to become my lifestyle for good. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that, although in my heart I know she’s right.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. I get stronger by the day. I believe that’s why I have so much anger. I’m just so tired. So tired of being stalked. So tired of being sad. Of being angry. So tired of being tired.
TDS79-
Yes, I’m soooo tired. Someone here, supportively, told me to read up parental alienation. I did tonight. It’s unbelievably depressing. My ex is the obsessive kind. Naturally. The worst kind because he doesn’t think he is wrong. And the outlook for this: my poor poor daughter will have to be treated like a cult victim and reprogrammed. And that is ONLY if I can prove this and get him out of her life. Today was her birthday. I called this morning, sang her birthday song. She used to laugh”.and she said (she seemed distracted, maybe being coached?) “I do not want to see you on weekends” Then, “i have to go eat breakfast” and hung up. It’s worse now than it ever was and he tells me it’s all my fault etc.
I am always afraid when I get the calls from ‘unknown’, or see a text or email from him. I don’t want to hide my head in the sand, but when I read them I end up even more fearful and angry and then I get emotional and cannot think straight. I must be in PTSD of some kind. Years of this and I feel absolutely helpless right now. All I can do is pray God will stop this. My daughter doesn’t deserve this. I feel like I did the worst thing by adopting her. Because she is having to go through this. And all I wanted ever was to keep her safe and loved in my arms”all the babies I saw at the orphanage I wanted to take home with me. How could this have happened?
Sorry, kinda making it all about me here and I don’t mean to keep hijacking your post! I just understand what you are feeling. At least it helps me somewhat to know we are not alone. No one can fix this for me. I just want to be smart, wise, and do what ever I can to get my daughter out from this.
So glad you are taking care of yourself, too. You, too, are strong. We all are on this site. We have to be. I have to say, I’m tired of being strong. Tired of dealing with so much stress daily, yearly. Never ending…
chatnoir,
Hijack away! That’s why we’re here. I can’t even tell you how many rants I’ve gone off on in reply to other peoples posts. It feels good to just write it out with people who truly understand. I’m sorry your daughter’s not there yet. I hope she comes to the truth sooner than later, unfortunately you will most likely seem like the crazy one until she does. That’s all part of their isolating.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the isolation and crazy making later. Last week I remembered a time that I met coworkers for happy hour and my ex was meeting me there so we could go to a relaxing dinner together. He ended up showing up with a group of friends who had been drinking a lot and said he ate dinner because he forgot we were supposed to, even though we had talked about it that afternoon. I was really uncomfortable because these friends aren’t exactly model citizens and I was there with coworkers. Long story short I had only had 2 glasses of wine. He bought me a 3rd, I took a couple of sips and blacked out. The rest of the night was darkness for me. I remember nothing. Apparently I was dancing around the bar and making a fool of myself. He said he had to carry me to the car. Keep in mind he kept me out even though I was a mess. I handle alcohol well and this isn’t typical behavior of me. The next day he told me how much I embarrassed him and then comforted me. I never felt the same around the coworkers I was with and could never figure out what happened that night. It occurs to me now that he drugged me. At the time, who would even think your boyfriend would drug you?? It was part of the isolation to make me look crazy to friends and coworkers. I know that now. Sorry, now I’m ranting. It’s all just so hurtful and hard to believe….
Going back to your daughter, I can’t even begin to imagine trying to give a child a safe and comfortable life and then it leading to this. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. Please don’t beat yourself up too much. HE caused this. You were taken along on this ride unwillingly and now your daughter is. How could you know at the time you were a victim to such an evil man? There is still hope. Hope that you will find forgiveness in yourself and will find healing. Hope that your daughter will be a survivor as well and live in the truth. Hope that she will grow up to be a strong and wonderful woman, regardless of the pain her manipulative father has caused.
Hang in there. Easier said than done I know. I’m having a hard time keeping it together these days and that’s being child free. My heart is with you.
TDS79
That sucks! I don’t have any advice for you but rant away on here and someone will say the right thing at the right time to help you get past this or take the right steps towards freedom.
I do think that if I was walking in your shoes, I’d have to run! I’d move to the country and start living off the land under an alias, God, the things we have to do to rid ourselves of these people!
Good luck with everything sweets x
undertheradar,
Thank you. I feel like your response is exactly what I needed. No advice necessary sometimes…I really just did need to vent! Your comment actually made me laugh to myself out loud. Only because I’ve dreamed of leaving “the country and start living off the land under an alias”! I know in reality it’s not really funny. Our stories and situations are just unbelievable. People just can’t make this stuff up! Spaths on the other hand…..
TDS79
I smiled to 😉 sometimes laughing at it is the only way to react to the response we have to their twisted way of thinking…
I’ve spent years defending myself as my spath was so good at making me look like a crazy woman. All charm and charisma in front of my friends while they only ever saw me in a constant state of confusion. This morning all that changed! I read a potential outcome of my life on another thread, something my instincts were warning me about so now I’m truly prepared to be seen as the crazy one because becoming the victim again is far more traumatic.
I wish you peace x
undertheradar,
My ex was very skilled at making me look like the crazy one! I’m sure he still does, I just only know pieces of it because I’ve disconnected myself in so many ways. In his friends eyes he could do no wrong.
I’m curious, what did you find on the other thread? It doesn’t sound good. At least you are prepared, not that it makes it any easier….Plain and simple, being a victim sucks.