After reading about the book, The Psychopath Test, Kayt Sukel, a Psychology Today blogger, wondered if psychopaths were, in fact, everywhere. So she asked Joshua Buckholtz, a neuroscientist. He said that psychopathy needed to have meaningful diagnostic boundaries. Buckholtz told her “a true psychopath is going to show high aggression, low empathy and high narcissism in all contexts.”
I wondered about that description. Here at Lovefraud, we know that psychopaths are capable of faking love and concern, quite convincingly, when it suits their purpose. How does the expert account for that?
Read Psychopaths everywhere? on PsychologyToday.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
I personally believe that one can only truly understand what these individuals are like through experience. I am currently invested in a relationship that isn’t really one at all. The more I expose him to his face the more he resents me. I’ve tried to let him know that I see him clearly as he is and not as he wants me to see him and I still love him. I believe it makes it worse, but every once in a while I look in his eyes and see an unbelievably scared and pathetic childlike spirit that needs to be freed from himself. Real love doesn’t just go away so im having a hard time freeing myself. No one in my life really understands what has happened to me, so the support isn’t really there. I want to be with someone who really cares but when I think about leaving him I feel as though ill leave him to a world who doesn’t know what he truly is. I guess I want to protect him from others and himself as well as protect others from him. I don’t know how I can make this right but at least I know I really loved in the face of evil and against all odds. For that reason I eliminate some regret. Need help….
lovedapsycho,
I totally get what you mean. If you will allow me to explain what I finally learned about this. It was NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to fix him, protect him or protect the world.
The one most important trait that spaths look for in a victim is the trait of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY when it isn’t ours to take.
It’s a very narcissistic trait to think we can SAVE the world or even save anyone, perhaps not even save ourselves. How we came to think this way could be for so may reasons. Mine was because my parents forced me to do this as a child. When I took care of and sacrificed for my little sister, the golden child, I was met with the only approval I ever got. So we learn that it feels good to rescue others. I’m still that way, I haven’t changed, but at least I’m EXTREMELY aware of it.
You spath is also extremely aware of it. He knows that the sad pathetic look on his face will melt your heart. The answer? STOP using your heart to make these decisions.
Use your knowledge to gain more understanding. Humility is the key. Once you integrate humility into your heart, then, whenever you want to save the world, humility will tell you that God will take care of it. You’ll experience a release of responsibility, peace with the world and trust that the universe has been operating LONG before you were born and it doesn’t need your help to keep ticking along.
((hugs))
Dear lovedapsycho,
Welcome to LoveFraud…and there is help here in the form of articles that will educate you and people who will support you.
Read and read and think about what you are reading. Knowledge is power, and taking back your power is what will free you. The truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off.
Yes, you hang in there because you PITY HIM, this is called the “pity ploy” and it will hook you to him as long as YOU ALLOW IT TO.
Learn how to let go. God bless.
Hi everyone,
I have always wondered about a meaningful and a relevant definition of a psychopath. Dr. Hare in his seminal book “Without Conscience” came up with a definition that suited the criminals in jail (that’s where he had encountered his first psychopath and that’s where he had done his study). But Dr. Hare, himself, said that if he were to do another study, he would do it in the financial sector. I read that he had done something like that and found out that 20% of those he studied had exhibited psychpathic traits. But I still think we have not found a meaningful and relevant definition of a psychopath. But this is not why I wrote today (I had always wanted to participate in a discussion on what makes someone a psychopath even if he/she did not exhibit criminal, aggressive, or antisocial acts). I wrote to tell you about this movie (or documentary) that I received today. I have not finished watching it yet but I thought you might be interested in watching it as well.
http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/i-am-fishead-are-corporate-leaders-psychopaths/
There’s an article here on Love Fraud about this documentary and some good discussion about it.
Here is the link: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/01/09/food-for-thought-i-am-fishead-movie/
Enjoy!
I have been going to therapy for the past couple months now. I feel like I have made some progress, but yesterday when I mentioned again to my therapist that my ex was a sociopath, she actually said it sounds more like he is bi polar. I wanted to scream! NO he is a sociopath. What he did to me…. Oh my God, no. She doesn’t understand. I am so angry that she said that. I have been struggling with the FACT that my ex is a sociopath and my therapist is doubting me.
I was so glad to have found this site when I had no idea what had happened to me… this site and Donna helped me to understand what I was dealing with…. he is a text book, sociopath. I don’t know what to do….
Dear Sadme,
I hear you and I know that what your therapist said probably sounded like she was invalidating what you had been through. Many therapists don’t get it about real sociopaths, BUT in defense of her/him, many sociopaths are ALSO bi-polar and in fact, that makes it much worse than if they were “just” sociopaths. So, while I realize that you got triggered by what she said, cut her a little slack…and maybe you can educate her.
You might think about printing out some things about psychopaths, like maybe the PCL-R or some articles from LF and take to her. Educating a therapist about sociopaths is a good thing for you to do. It will help her with her future patients (and maybe some she is seeing now) Don’t give up on therapy though! (((hugs))) God bless.
Thank you Ox Drover,
Your right… she doesn’t get it. I have liked the progress that I have made and it is about me anyways… it about me healing, my therapy is helping me to get over things that have happen in my childhood that actually made me more attractive to a sociopath. I have the both the Love Fraud book and the new Red Flags of Love Fraud. I may give them to her to read. My ex exhibited all the red flags of a sociopath… but I didn’t see any of them till it was to late for me…
I had a dream with him in it last night. He left me a year ago and his 1st year anniversary to the new victim is coming up. I had a dream that I was at their wedding. I saw him smiling knowing I was there. His bride fell into a pond that was behind the alter. She got out and she was a scary mess, but then when I saw her after she got out of her dress, she wanted to talk to me… I said to her ” why would I want to talk to you, you hate me” Then I looked at her and saw a very innocent young girl looking at me with sad eyes…
I still think of him and I hate it. I wish I could clear him from my mind… I think that what my therapist said made me dream of him.
Dear Sadme,
Sometimes iin our dreams we try to “work out” what we are doing in our day time lives….and we make progress in leaps and then back steps…there’s no way I can know what the meaning of your dream is, but I think you realize she (his new victim) did not “win any prize” Yes, it is difficult to stop thinking about them, but you will when the time is right. It takes some TIME and some WORK. The things that happened to you that made you vulnerable to him will get worked out and you will heal. But keep in mind that healing is a process not a “place” that you get to and all is lovely. It is a journey, so just enjoy the trip and the new things you will learn along the way…and don’t forget to stop and smell the roses too. (((hugs)))
Thank you for this article Donna, I just got your most recent book, “Red Flags of Love Fraud”, in the mail and I can’t put it down.
But what I am most thrilled about is that you have helped to put my confusion about Narcissism and Sociopathy and the minor difference between the two to rest. I found your words in the chapter, “What is a sociopath?”, to be so reassuring when you stated, “In practice, the behaviors and traits exhibited by individuals diagnosed with psychopathy, sociopathy, narcissism, and even borderline personality disorders overlap, so it’s hard to tell where one ends and another begins.”…”All of these disorders are harmful…”.
I have been struggling for such a long time to pinpoint exactly what my ex is. I was feeling like I didn’t have a right to be on this site if he didn’t match up perfectly to the psychopathic checklist. But in the end, the label isn’t as important as knowing that he IS disordered and has caused great emotional and psychological harm to me. I believe he mostly has NPD with some traits of Sociopathy. He doesn’t meet every single one of the criteria on the lists that you gave in the book. But he still has most of them. I’m really starting to believe that is enough for me to know and how fortunate I am that I got out when I did. And to be so thankful for the help Lovefraud has given me.