Millions of sociopaths live among us, and a significant proportion of them are women. Unfortunately, many Lovefraud readers have learned about female sociopaths the hard way.
Over the past few years, I’ve exchanged emails with a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Steve22.” Steve22 has been involved with a woman for about 20 years. Slowly, over the last 10 years, he figured out what was wrong with her: She has a serious personality disorder. She exploits and manipulates others — particularly him.
Luckily, Steve22 never married the woman, and now he is planning his exit strategy. He will soon retire, and he’ll leave not only his job, but also the female sociopath. They do share a house, and she’s a hoarder. Steve22 has moved many of his valuables to storage. She hasn’t noticed.
Although Steve22 has lost a lot of time that can never be replaced, he is at peace with the situation. He also has advice for other men who realize they are involved with a female sociopath.
Following is an email that he sent me not long ago.
Steve22’s email: Leaving the female sociopath
I feel much more comfortable (not stressed or concerned) about her anti-social – sociopathic tendencies and stop them in their tracks. She already hates me, but for some reason doesn’t want me to leave. Still working on my exit plan, though.
I looked up the Hare PCL-R and graded her exploits. Found out she’s a high-functioning sociopath. Sometimes it takes time and I thoroughly like to have my evidence complete before leaving “Dodge,” so to speak. Just being careful.
I don’t blame myself with exception of the years of lies and deceit not knowing what she is. Just wish I had them back and would’ve found someone I could converse with and share my life with, now that I know the signs to look for. Instead of grey rock with this one.
Regardless, I am financially good, have my health, relatives, friends to visit by myself renting a RV of some sort. It’s just frustrating going thru my stuff when the house is pack-ratted by her and her stuff. Once in a while she’ll mention are you leaving or moving out? Ha.
I do not doubt my perception after the chaos I’ve been put thru. Have great friends who won’t come out to visit knowing I live with a whack-a-doodle. Most of the manipulation comes when we are alone, though. But she gets her whining in and I tell her to get over it … which never happens.
Below are my guidelines …
If you suspect you are dealing with a female sociopath, I recommend you take the following steps:
- Don’t share personal information. Remember that sociopaths will use their knowledge of you against you. The less they know, the safer you are.
- Minimize contact. If you suspect the person you are dealing with is a sociopath, it’s best to keep your distance. If she is a person you have to deal with in a social setting or at work, be superficially pleasant but don’t allow yourself to get involved with her on a deeper level.
- Maintain objectivity. If the sociopath is sharing a story intended to invoke feelings of pity or sympathy for her, maintain an objective eye. That’s not to say that you are to be cold or unfeeling. Just make sure to avoid getting caught up in emotion.
- Disengage. If you are dealing with a female sociopath who is disrupting your life, avoid engaging with her by disengaging. Don’t engage in pettiness. Don’t allow her to push your buttons.
- Forgive yourself. If you’ve gotten caught in the web of lies spun by a female sociopath, don’t blame yourself. You were never a match for her skills, and you did nothing to bring on the problems she’s caused in your life.
- Seek support. Share your experience with people you trust. After the chaos of being involved with a female sociopath, you may doubt your own perception. Those who care about you can help validate your experience.
Awareness of female sociopaths
Thank you, Steve22. Your advice is exactly what many other men — and women — need to hear.
Steve22 became romantically involved with a female sociopath, although the romance eventually disappeared. But we may also encounter female sociopaths in our families, social groups, communities and workplaces. Hundreds of survivors have told me about their involvements with these women, and yes, the experiences are painful and damaging.
The stories of Lovefraud readerw who had sociopathic mothers are particularly disturbing. These women are totally incapable of maternal love and should never have children. Unfortunately, they do, and the children suffer.
Data on male and female senior sociopaths
I collected data on the harm caused by both male and female sociopaths over age 50 in the Lovefraud Senior Sociopath Survey. The results indicated that in some areas, sociopathic males cause more harm than females. In other areas, males and females are equally harmful.
My colleagues and I analyzed the survey data for a scientific paper that was published earlier this year. We organized the data on harm into six categories: negative relationship characteristics, child maltreatment, rule-oriented workplace harm, person-oriented workplace harm, physical and emotional harm to respondent, material and financial harm to respondent.
The results showed that sociopathic men exhibited significantly more harmful negative relationship characteristics, such as dishonesty, insincerity, manipulation and a lack of empathy, than sociopathic women. Men also caused moderately more physical and emotional harm to the survey respondents, and somewhat more material and financial harm. But when it came to child maltreatment and workplace harm, there was no significant difference between male and female sociopaths.
Watch for warning signs
Our society often has an idealized view of women — as soft, loving, caring and motherly. I think it’s fair to say the majority of woman are like that. But we need to understand that there are exceptions.
Actually, society sort of knows this, but disordered women are usually not correctly identified. Females who are called “gold diggers,” “home wreckers” or “promiscuous,” may, in fact, be sociopaths. Millions of them live among us.
Learn more: The Basics — Love fraud and how to avoid it (free webinar)
The warning signs are essentially the same as with male sociopaths. The women are charismatic and charming, at least at first. In romantic relationships, they are often incredibly sexy. Then they lie, manipulate, blame, love bomb, and try to gain your sympathy. Eventually they become vile, unless, of course, you try to escape. Then they turn on the charm again.
So as you educate yourself about sociopaths, and see lists of traits and characteristics, please be aware that they can apply to women as well as men. The exterior package may be different, but inside, these women are just as empty as the men.
The generational abuse is finished
Good luck Steve, you are doing the right thing getting out of this stressful, chatic, drama filled relationship. You are also, passing on great info to others.
I would recommend that you get a vitamin & mineral deficiency test now and start taking vitamins/minerals to keep your health up. When you first leave a sociopath lots of cortisol & adrenaline is released that you were able to control & push down during the relationship but, is fully released when you leave. This can cause a tremedous amount of anxiety & depression when you first leave.
Vitamins & minerals such as B complex, zinc, D, magnesium etc all help to keep your adrenals glands working correctly so that large amounts of cortisol and adrenaline arent released all at once.
see yt ch Dr Berg and his info on adrenal fatigue & also he has videos on each of the vitamins/minerals listed above. see also, Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue .org = all of these have free info/vids on adrenal fatigue which most victims of abuse suffer from while in a abusive relationship.
Keep talking with your friends & family about what is happening. You never know how a sociopath will react when their target victims finally escapes so, talk with your friends & tell them what is really happening in the relationship incase she flips the script and manipulates people to believe she is the abuse vicitm not the perpetrator of abuse.
Keep a journal at a friends/family/office of what she has done to you to gas light, manipulate you etc so that you have that all in one place.
Glad you are escaping and glad you are planning your “Domestic abuse exit plan” (look up on net & yt) out of this toxic relatinship.
You are going to thrive when you leave…this typically does not happen over night. you will have to process all the chaos, drama, abuse that will perculate up all at once so, be patient with yourself during this time.
Best of luck to you with your new chapter in life!! ☘️☘️☘️
Another telling story. This sociopathic woman managed to keep him around for 20 years!! Steve must have had great assets all those years; good looks, stabil personality, lots of empathy, good job, high status, intelligent and more than enough money! (just my guess ofcourse).
Otherwise a sociopathic woman won’t stay around that long. It seems to me she’s trying to rip him, now he’s found out (which she feels for several years now). To manipulate him into a divorce he’ll initiate so she can gain half of the financial assests he owns. This trick is often played by sociopathic females.
They won’t divorce you (as long as you provide good active- or passive supply/assets). They will work to frustrate and abuse you so much that YOU will initiate the divorce. It’s clever, calculated thinking without any compassion, conscience, or empathy.
But she must have had also assets that appealed a lot to Steve. Most probably she was outstandingly extravert and sexy in her looks and self-asured persona.
Any way Steve must have been seduced by this woman very early on imo. Just my take.
Soon he must have experienced ‘sexual heaven’ with this ‘very special’ woman without limits.
Which got him addicted to her and got him bonded believing this was ‘ultimate love’. Not realizing it was all premediated and not more than a manipulative act from her to draw him into submission. To exploit him further.
Those women are actually skilled hookers with often much better pay-off than real prostitutes.
In my view this is a hallmark of sociophatic women. They all use their sex to extend. To manipulate man into submission to reach their own goals.
When their goals are reached their sex-drive to you usually fades soon after and turn you into a ‘begging’ fool. Since you were addicted to her ‘sex’ this is often a very effective way to control a man for years.
Steve reached pension-age. So his wive will also not be the gourgeous, sexy woman anymore she could play-out till maybe 50.
Then it all comes down on what’s really important in a relationship. And then there’s nothing. An empthy shell fighting for nothing more than material assests and ‘power’. It’s sad really. Those sociopaths don’t get it and will never change.
It’s their world of reference. They are not aware at all of the meaning of this ‘other world’. They are aware rationally but not emotionally.
Steve went out after 20(!) years because he became aware of who he had been dealing with all those years. It must have been traumatising to discover.
I whish him best.
Correction. I see Steve never married the woman. I suppose she pressed him many times to do so. He stayed his ground in this matter it seems, keeping some kind of upperhand/safety. Which makes it a lot easier to detach without big financial/legal complications.
My ex pressed to settle down very soon. Getting married and have two children.
She had no regular income of any sort living on wellfare with the fantasy of being a painting artist above Chagall or Picasso (she called them childish-painters actually).
She had been dismissed on two art-universities (I learned much later after the break-up) for lack of talent after four years studying total. She framed this to me as a hero who refused to follow the academic rules and therefore voluntarilly chose to not do the exams. I went with her, my hero.. It were all lies ofcourse like almost everything she told me in hindsight.
I had a good job and education in psychiatry for many years. But I missed this one. High functioning/intelligent sociopaths rarely show up in psychiatry. And if they do it’s because of a co-morbide disorder which is a result of their sociopathy/psychopathy. They often show up with very Narcissistic delusions/psychosis like believeing they are ‘Jezus’ or some other ‘important figure’.
Or they show up with very theatrical expressions of depression and victimhood which no help can ever change. All you try to relieve them makes it only worse.
It motivates them to suck you dry even more. They are really like leeches.
If you let them they’ll suck as much energy (blood) out of you they possibly can.
And if they are full and you are empty they’ll detach and discard you.
Plain and simple like a leech does.
Steve had this notion something was very wrong 10 years ago. He kept struggeling with a sociopath/hystrionic/borderline/narcissist/maybe Level 1 autist, for another 10 years.
I feel for him. Confronting yourself with the delusion you’ve lived in is very hard to take in.
You just feel lost.
You had the sheer misfortune of falling in love with a sociopath.
‘Jan7’. I read your comment too ofcourse and it rings so well with the expirences I had myself.
One thing, you’ll know too, is that it’s very hard to explain to people who’ve never been through something like this. Most just don’t want- won’t believe you. Your stories are so strange and extreme about this person and in general that in many cases they’ll see you as the disordered one and the cause of the problems. No matter how long they have known you as a trustworthy person.
Some call this the Cassandra-complex (look it up).
Anyway I’m eager now to find knowledgable people who will believe me and talk to them in person. To share and connect in real live.
By your name ‘Jan7’ I suggest you are Dutch too so we are not far appart in distance. If you agree to connect maybe Donna can find a way to get us connected more directly.
A big issue these days (and probably always) is that victims of this kind of abuse are hardly able to find eachother. They often hide in distrust and fear, isolating themselves to keep ‘safe’. No wonder.
Save heavens like this site are helping a lot but are no more than ‘virtual reality’ when it comes down to it.
In reality we have to see eachother live and speak to eachother to really learn from eachother.
torro2006 – I am glad that you find the stories here on Lovefraud to be helpful and validating. Many people have been relieved to realize that other people have been through experiences like their own. You are certainly not alone.
Please feel free to keep posting!
I dated a female sociopath for 15 months and I allowed her to bring unprecedented chaos into my life. I ended up in psychiatric care and it took me nearly three years to recover from the ordeal. Having had no knowledge of personality disorders ( including sociopathy) her behaviour was confusing and disorienting. Empowerment through research and discussions with experts on this particular set of disorders allowed me to move on from her mentally. Ultimately these people will never find love and will never experience the rewards of being in a truely committed relationship because they are so desperately unhappy with themselves. Scratch the surface and their obsession with male attention, need for admiration and high sex drive are nothing more than attempts to feel something other emptiness. Imagine a life with no emotional connections !!!! Mine left a trail of destruction in her wake – not only in my life but in the lives of others including her ex husband why also ended up in psychiatric care and attempted suicide many times. Dangerous people – but ultimately sad pathetic individuals despite the image they try to convey on social media and on a superficial level in the real world.