By | July 23, 2008 132 Comments

Guidelines for posting comments on the Lovefraud Blog

In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.

Thank you all.

As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.

So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.

Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.

Assume honorable intentions

Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.

I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.

Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.

Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.

We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.

Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog

Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:

1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.

2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.

3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to [email protected]

4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!

5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.

6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.

7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.

8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.

Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.

Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
Notify of


Thank you for this site. Thank you.

And Dr. Steve and Dr. Liane and Ms. Gallagher– not to mention all the posters. I really believe this site makes a difference and saves lives.


Thank you Donna. I think this makes for healthy boundries.


I cannot begin to tell you how much the words from each of you have already helped me so much. I have been involved with a sociopathic man for three years and didn’t know it until a friend sent this to me. As I read about all of your experiences I feel as if I am the person you are describing. God, I need someone to tell me I am not crazy. I can’t possibly tell the entire story of what I have been through but I want to highlight it and beg for anyone to please help me get through this nightmare. I have lived with this man on and off for three years. It started off in Aug. of 2005 and the hell and torment haven’t stopped. I have seriously tried to kill myself three times because I thought I was the most horrible person in the world. The last time was late June 2008. This jerk was angry with me because I drank too much and when he came to join me at the pool, a male neighbor was talking to me and after that, all hell broke loose. He waited until the next day to lower the boom on me, insulting me, degrading and beratting me as if I was as he called me, “a piece of shit”. No one in my life had ever talked to me like that before but he has for three years and I let him do it because he had me convinced it was me, I was the crazy one. I sat there and took his abuse and begged him to calm down and just talk to me. I tried to hold him, he shoved me away, called me horrific names. He threatened to call the police to “have me removed from his condo”. This condo was what he promised would always be my home. He’s thrown me out of “my home” more times than I can count. This time I knew I couldn’t endure another episode so I quietly went into the bedroom and swallowed a bottle of pills, everything I could find. He came after me, knew I had taken the pills, held the phone in the air and said “get your fucking ass out of here”. He called the police. I could barely walk but I managed to get to the top of the steps where I fell hitting my head on a rock. I tried to get up three times but kept falling. The police came, I was dying, he knew I had fallen and gotten hurt but he never once even walked down the steps to see if I was OK. EMT was called and I was taken to the hospital. All of the condo community was staring. I was humiliated, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed and all the while praying to die before they could pump my stomach. It didn’t work. They saved my life and thank God I am here today to beg any of you for help to not let him sweet talk me, lure me back in and hurt me again. He even had me thinking I was an alcoholic. I put this man in front of everything in my life. I let him dominate me, manipulate me and destroy me and I didn’t have a clue he was doing it. I should have seen this pattern of behavior coming. The first week we were together he left me, just left me. He didn’t come back for four days. He never called. I was crying frantically thinking something had happened to him. I was out of my mind with worry for this jerk. When he showed back up he told me he just needed time to think. He let me go through hell for five days without one tiny bit of regard for me and how I might be managing. The truth is, he didn’t care, he never loved me, not one bit and now I see it. Oh my God, I see it now. This jerk lived across the street from the hospital I was taken to and never once called to check on me, didn’t come to see me, never even asked about how I was. I am a very intelligent woman, 51 years old, a master’s degree, a professional (teacher), just retired and here I am with nothing. I am in a home I own but I have so many repairs to make. I don’t have hot water, no air and my plumbing is just about gone but thank God I am still here and by the grace of God, I will never go back to that hell again. Episodes of him getting angry and leaving for two or three weeks are almost countless. Episodes of him throwing me out are too many to count. He packs up my things in trash bags and dumps them in my x-husbands yard. He has cut up my clothes before, shoved me brusing me so bad that on one occasion the police were called in to talk to me but I refused to press charges. He has a way of getting me to do exactly what he wants and I don’t know how he did it but he did. There’s so much more to tell but if anyone could just help me be strong, I need the help and I need it desparately.


Everyone around me kept telling me what he was but I refused to heed their advice. I knew something was wrong with him but I loved him so much I would have done just about anything for him and I did. I did things against my values. I let him strip me of everything and everyone in my life. I feel like a shell and sometimes want to crawl back in and never come out but I pray to God I will continue to get help and hoopefully get better and maybe one day I will get my life back. People who have known me all my life have told me for the last three years I was only a shell of the person I used to be. I used to have confidence, respect, admiration, character and integrity and he took every bit of it. He convinced his family, friends, neighbors that I was crazy. He would push me into episodes that would so inflame me that I would just loose it. That’s when he had me. Now I see. He used all those opportunities to make me look like a crazed bitch. Hell, no wonder I drank. I never drank alcohol until three years ago and I am not drinking it now. I guess I drank to be able to ignore his abuse and dominance. I don’t know what to do or where to turn except this site. I never imagined I could be so easily fooled but I was.


Welcome to the LoveFraud fellowship. We are here to listen, support and learn from each other and I think you’ve taken the first triumphant step towards your healing: realizing the man you love/loved was a cunning, manipulating, deceiving predator with only his self centered, selfish desires paramount in his mind.

You’re story is heartbreaking and I personally flinched reading each and every word. I cannot express how truly sorry I am for you being treated with such disrespect, such malicious abuse. I can firmly state that you never deserved any of the abuse inflicted upon you. Never.

Please take the time to read the articles and personal stories on LoveFraud in an effort to begin the slow, yet eventual path to healing and recovery.

We are here for you, Sassysarah, and we do sincerely care for your health and welfare. Vent, rant, rave, cry your beautiful eyes out. We won’t judge, we won’t condemn nor criticize you, but only be there if you need to talk.


Jane, thank you so much for your encouraging words. They made me cry. I almost feel guilty to have anyone even be nice to me. I am so confused. I don’t know how he did this to me and I am not sure I can walk on but I do want to. I really do. It’s like he robbed me of my whole life, everything I had and was. It’s gone, all of it. I used to be so strong. How can such a shallow jerk do this to an intelligent woman? I don’t understand. I am in torment all the time and it is killing me. I hate myself because even after leaving me to die on more than one occasion, I still am afraaid he’ll find a way to get me back and I don’t want that to happen. I am so weak right now. You guys have had some time, all of this just hit me in the face. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put a name on it. I can certainly say that now, I can.


Also, I have been reading how some of you want to strike back at your S. So do I. When I would strike back, he made me feel like the most horrible person in the world when I talked to him, like everything was my fault. I did strike back and I don’t regret it now. He is so evil, he had it coming. Yet I know that striking back still ties me to him and I need to stop that entire thought process. He isn’t worth it. I know I need to move on and I want to. I know to avoid all contact but there is so much I want to say to him. Again, though, after reading all of these blogs I understand that even if I had the opportunity to tell him what I want to tell him, it would do no good. He isn’t capable of seeing himself as being wrong and he would only take what I said and make me think it was all because of me, that it was all my fault. Oh my God, I have been on this site all night and all day and I am blown away. Why didn’t I recognize this sooner?


I surely did not wish to make you cry, but I can understand implicitly that yearning for simple human kindness and when it is given with no ulterior motives whatsoever, it feels wonderful, doesn’t it?

And I will link a few powerful, valuable articles that I hope you read. And the comments are also wonderful, inspirational and healing:

If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with the surplus of information, knowledge added to your already overwrought precious heart, just take your time. You don’t need to rush anything.

Simply take deep, full, pleasing breaths and be extra, extra gentle with yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up any more than you’ve already been beat up. You’re a good, wonderful, loving, intelligent woman who had the dismal misfortune to fall in love with a predator.

Bless you, SS, I will say a special prayer just for you tonight. *big cyber hug for you*

Seems I’ve broken Rule #4, Donna.

Forgive me as desparate times call for comfort and consideration.


You hit the nail on the head when you said I yearned for simple, human kindness given unconditionally. I have only had that from my precious children. I have four and they are so wonderful, successful and good. One is a professional football player that beat the hell out of this guy but I still continued with him. What hurts me so much now is that this jerk was able to make me think my kids hated me. Nothing could be further from the truth. When I am not with him, they want me with them all the time but they saw through him way before I did. They hate him, HATE him for all he has done to me and somehow I chose him over them. I am so ashamed to say that but I have to. I was so absorbed into him that I thought I could do the impossible and make everyone love each other. Wow!! What a joke. I almost lost my kids forever. They were so much smarter than me. They refused to have anything to do with him because of how he treated me, left me to die, literally walked over me, trashed me, abused me, ruined me. They were right all along. What I don’t understand is how I couldn’t see it. Why didn’t I see it?


Thank you Donna for the guidelines and for this site. My words don’t even break the surface in describing how much LF means to me and what a vital role it has played in my recovery.

I’ve only recently started to share but have been reading off and on for several months getting reassurance and learning new information. The men and women on here have hearts of gold in their courage to share openy about the abuse they’ve endured and to allow others to walk with them through their pain and along their road to recovery. Their insights, self discoveries and thoughtful words of encourgement are so valuable.

Thank you for giving us a place to learn, to vent, to cry, to share, to stumble and fall and to get back up. A place where we can learn to laugh again and to love knowing that we are not alone.



I too would like to thank you for this site. I was already a long way down the road of my recovery before I found it but I have still found great comfort here. Reading other people’s stories helps to reinforce what I’d eventually managed to work out – that is, I’m not the psychopath, no matter how many times he told me I was. He is the psychopath.

I cant find words to describe the feeling of finally finding people out there who ‘get it’. I once felt completely and utterly alone and my whole being would cry out for some understanding. Now, that feeling has gone, gone forever and the joy I feel to know that I wont ever have to feel that loneliness again is indescribable.


My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling the things that you are feeling now. Just reading your post brings it all back like it was yesterday. When I was first with the S, I had 2 small children from my 1st marriage. The S didn’t like having them around and I was always tying myself in knots trying to keep them from annoying him so that he’d be happy. I didn’t realise then that he would never be happy, no matter what I did. At one point, I almost let them go to live with their father just to try to please the S. I thank God that something held me back. I felt ashamed that I could even consider such a thing but over time I have come to realise that there is no need for shame. The S twists your mind so effectively that it’s impossible to think straight. Dont ever feel ashamed. The shame is on them.

It has taken me many years to reach the point that I am at now. That’s mainly because I had to do all this on my own. I didn’t know about this site. So stay with us Sassy, keep talking and talking and talking. Ask questions. Let it all out. You will gain so much comfort here and one day you will look back, see how far you’ve come and you’ll be amazed.

It’s good to meet you.


Sassy, I just gotta say I understand exactly where you are coming from. My first husband was very much like the one you are describing, and always somehow made his failures my fault. My second drove my kids away, and somehow I was too terrified to get away and choose to put them first. And they are now the most precious things in my life. Reading your story brought it all back in a painful way, but I hope you will hold tight to the suggestions and prayers you will find here at this site, these people are wonderful and caring.

Jane, your compassionate words never fail to comfort me, even when they are directed at someone else. I would have liked to have a sister like you.


My heart goes out to you …right through the abyss and into the core.
I am so glad you found this site. What you just described is exactly what myself and likely most readers on this site experienced and understand to the point where we think you are actually describing our own partner/experience.
It doesn’t make sense…does it. None of it. At least it doesn’t at first but slowly through this site, research and endless self refection the senselessness slowly but SURELY dissipates.

The rude awakening (understatement) is realizing the existance of this kind actually isn’t just Hollywood. It’s face smacking and makes you question if you’ve been living a sheltered life all these years.
How could this possibly happen to someone whose entire life has been noble, truthful, contributing and loving? Logically, (or factually) we’re strong, intelligent, giving, compassionate, enthusiastic, humble, caring…the list is endless…and at the end of the day these same traits have been used as weapons towards us.

It’s so hard to comprehend that one person, in such a short amount of time, can carve up these qualities in us so much so that we can’t even see any longer what the hell the original art was.
I ask myself all the time…what kind of power is that ? How is that possible? to make me question such truth? and then…for me to sickenly..embarrassingly.. ask…was I really that inconfident to begin with? What power is this? To make me doubt myself.
Now that’s power. Goal number 1 for them.

I had a fairly normal upbringing, married in my late 20’s once for 10 years to a great guy but we just married too young so divorced very amicably 3 years ago. I’m a professional, independent and very successful and happy with my career choice. After being out of the single scene for a decade was a bit scared a but so excited and optimistic.

9 months later I met..”The bad man”. I am quoting another blogger on that name because on every level..that’s the best name …the guy I shouldn’t have taken the candy from. (nevermind gotten in the bloody van)…(sorry Aloha..hope you don’t mind me using it…love it)
Looking back…my Prince charming would have been “bad man’s short little cousin for me…but that of course could have been because I was in a sparkless marrige for ten years but regardless…I was ripe and he came galloping by. I was so swept up by his gorgeous looks, charm and uncanny ability to make me laugh uncontrollably.

Prince bad man started unravelling fairly quickly in hind sight… but initially I never realized I was actually a component in RISK. Before I knew it I was left defending one country (my soul) while the entire time his strategy was making me look in the sky while his army’s invaded. I was being told how precious and unique and beautiful I was. Constantly heard “you’re the only one who knows me. I’ll never find another you”. Text messages daily as I awoke “good morining beautiful”. All day long I’d get “I miss you” texts etc. Now…NOW I know that is/was all the strategy in taking over the countries. And now I think…How bloody vein can you be girl? I just loved the attention.

Then there was the sexual aspect. God it was like the guy was my in my own body…never felt close like that to anyone…suddenly the cocaine addiction he induced moved to crack.
All the while this goes on I’m finding myself having no problem giving him money. He always had an excuse for why he was victimized from either his employer, family or friend. Once he injects my veins with the crack lies (diversion of truth) I’m just a pity machine because how can such a caring sensitve man be so hard done by from society.
So I started giving him a bit of cash all in the understanding he will pay back once …A…B…C…occur. But that’s when things started getting worse…

Next thing I know I am wearing shirts which he feels are too provocative. Beleive me…this was like telling me I look like Grover all of a sudden. (“wait…I’m not even wearing blue I say!”) That’s the last thing someone would likely say about me…I’m somewhat jockey..kind of conservative a profession where I need to be quite self aware. I’m a nurse…if that means anything..but you only see those in porns…which I later found in his closet.

Then..the male friend thing became such an issue that ..of course I was sleeping with them. He tried to ruin every relationship I had…males first but also female.
That’s when I first found out about the other women. He was soooo busy accusing me of infedelity that I was so sidetracked defending myself I wasn’t questioning him. I thought “boy does he ever care about me to be so concerned” He was my Prince.

Keep in mind all this was intermitent. I was being fed the crack in between all the invisible bombs and stabbings. I think that is their greatest skill. God I loved that crack and I know that now I see it for what it actually was. A diversion. Before I saw it as his true feelings…he thought so highly of me…appreciated me…loved me..”I want to marry are my true love’. God if I hear “You are my true love” ever again in my life time …well lets just say I feel sorry for the guy who says that to me.

I could go on and on and as I’m sure every blogger could….and I already know I have enough. In brief, it got nasty…it got scary…it got insane. I don’t say those 3 words lightly…it really got to a survival mode that I only could have previously conceived being in if I was abandoned on some desolate island. At least the island I ended up on in this reality had police.
I knew I had to get out…and I did…but then ridiculously would miss the hell out of him (the crack) and I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t talk to anyone because they already thought I was insane to have kept in this game for as long as I had. I’ve had relapses…but just about everyone in recovery has those and each time I have become stronger and stronger.

This sight has been my sanity. Everyone here understands. We’ve all been seeing the same person…male or female. They are all the same give or take minor details. Liars that get off on feeling powerful.
I used to want payback too… big time.. but realized firstlty, that’s not me and gonna take alot of work, secondly, that to do that only continues the game…which is exactly what they want.
The best payback is to end the game because it cuts off their oxygen. Once there’s no game…no air. That’s why they so quickly move to the next host without a second thought. Survival.

I have been reading this site now for two years. I don’t write much cause I feel repetetive with the same bloody story basically but I read and learn. I think about what life was like just over ten years ago without internet and how the heck people got through these experiences.

I am still moving through the fog but I see colour now more and more and I know that’s more and more of me.


Thank you Donna. Still looking out for us after all these years . . .



Ok, you caused me to have a great big lump in my throat and my heart to swell. All I could say to your words is…”awww..that’s the sweetest thing to say ever!”

Thank you, doll, and I would love to be your sister even if only a cyber LoveFraud sister. **Huggs**


What you wrote was powerful, brilliant and so comforting to me and hopefully to SassySarah. I wasn’t here two years ago, so you reliving your story is appreciated and is so very important for me and I’m sure, for all the lovely peeps on this website. Thank you.


yep, I remember 1 year ago it would take 3-4 days for one post to get 10-12 comments, now by the end of the day each post gets 10-20 comments easily…

By the way, how many people visit this website every day Donna?


i feel like im addicted to this website. this website is part of my daily life. it has helped me alot and it helps get though everyday. this is the only place i can get my thought and feelings out to others who understand



I think Donna said awhile ago that it was 700 or was it 7000? Lots! To all of the folks who don’t comment…

HI! How are you doing?

To the person who has been thinking about saying something but you are in too much pain… go ahead! Get it out!


Blondie.. it’s better to be addicted to LF that to a Sociopath. At least you know that the people here are commited to your well being and not to the destruction of you for entertainment,

Be addicted to LF for as long as you need. Pathological partners can really get under our skin and it takes a long time to get the toxin completely out.


Hello everyone. My name is bird and I am addicted to Lovefraud. (audience “hello bird”) I read it everyday because I will forget if I don’t. I will forget his nature and then one day he will get a hold of me and I will think he is normal. Therefore I read Lovefraud everyday, so I don’t forget.

Ox Drover

Hello, Bird, how is my Birdie baby? ((((Birdie))))) And my dear Bird, LF is a positive addiction, it keeps you from falling into “bad company” and keeps us all on the “straight and narrow” path to healing!


baby birdie is so cuddly and fuzzy soft:)


Hello I don’t want to call it an addiction, I prefer to call LF (life support). I will read here daily, to stay focused. I come here for support. I hope I can offer support and comfort to other’s. It was after I came out of the fog that I realized what evil I professed to love. I still think I am shell shocked at where I went. I was so desperate for support. I still can’t comprehend how another human can do what (they do) but they do and life goes on for all of us. We have to find (our) way, and nothing has ever helped me as much as LF.


All of your stories have me gobsmacked. It’s like I’ve already told mine………..same but different if you know what I mean. I once went to an AA for Families meeting because my 2nd husband is an alcoholic. I sat there and listened to each and every one of those women tell their story and I could relate to them all. This is very much the same. It’s been 7 years since I left him and I’m still looking for answers. After reading a lot of these entries I now know that it wasn’t just the alcoholism. This might very well be what I’ve been needing. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of him, and I hate it. The changes he made once I was gone didn’t fit the sad, depressed, pathetic creature he depicted. Like many of you I thought it was my fault that he was depressed even though he was like that when we first got together. He married a very young woman 18 months after I left. They worked together and she was married at the time as well. He used to tell me about her marriage woes and I’d say that she should leave because she’s young enough to start again. How dumb can one be??? I trusted him completely. He denies anything was happening before I left of course. Isn’t that part of the pattern??? There’s so much more but I don’t want to overdo it my first time on. You’re all amazing and I’m sticking around.


Hi Tulip55,

Glad you found us.

Our stories seem so strange until we stumble onto a community where there are so many that are like our own.

It does help with the healing…. :o)



OK…I am getting it out – sociopaths BURN in HELL.

Seriously… bible proverbs say somewhere that “there are people who cannot sleep well, unless they did something evil that day” something like that. Just plain evil, something without the integrity, all they can do is to destroy other people’s lives. This is what they do for living.

Ox Drover

LF is not alone on the net as a support group for suvivors either, there are HUNDREDS of them. Some more specific as Adult Children of Narcissists, etc. some Christian based, and other groups. I just think that LF is THE BEST and the most supportive with GOOD INFORMATION. The bloggers here seem to me to be above average in intelligence and knowledge and also in caring and compassion.

It is nothing but a “gut reaction” to me, but it seems to me that when a “newbie” comes here and posts that they seem to “get it” and to start to recover FASTER than on any other of the blogs I have seen. Of those that do post, it seems that within a very short time, they are actually giving good advice to others. That isn’t “scientific” at all, but just my observation.

It is quite often too that people do post something like “I’ve never posted here before, but I’ve been reading for a year” and there isn’t really any way to measure or know just how much knowledge and support those silent people have gained, but obviously they have gained something or they would have been “reading” for X period of time.

For many of us our “healing” has been over a period of years from “the P experience(s)” and though many of the experiences were romantic, there are others that have been friendships or parents or all of the above. The thing that seems the most “interesting” to me is that the INTENSITY of the experience for any victim is so much more than anything we have experienced in any other capacity.

I have a close friend whose only really “big” experience with a P was when her P was promoted to be her boss, and immediately fired her because she had previously rejected his drunken romantic advances when they were professional peers. That’s been 7 years ago and she is still reeling from the humiliation and anger. No one likes to be fired for any reason but the INJUSTICE of it, the public humiliation, etc. is something that still grates on her self esteem. Ultimately she got a much better position and it was an unwitting favor this man did for her, but still….it’s something she will always remember with anger and humiliation.

The support toward healing that LF provides for anyone who has dealt with or been victimized by a psychopath in any role is without price as far as I am concerned. I have directed several people to this site, none of whom have posted, but I know from talking to them that they have received supportive and beneficial help from this site. One of them has been my own son C, who just one year ago next week survived the attempt on his life made by his X wife and her lover. The recovery and healing he is experiencing I think is very much benefited by the things he has read here, that we then can discuss. There is no way I can express my gratitude enough for this site and the wonderful people here. I daily thank God for this site.

There’s a part of me that is relieved that so many people have found LoveFraud, in seeking answers to their relentless pain and suffering.

But there’s the other part that is saddened by the fact that a website like this is even necessary. And that there are so many confused, hurt victims still out there trying to understand why they are being ruthlessly, systematicly annihilated by a predator.

As Aloha said, for any readers out there who really want to write in but are afraid of being criticized or alienated by the members, that ain’t gonna happen. Ever. You all have something important to say, you all have your very own distinct lovable voices and this is your time to begin the path to healing. Today.

Someone will always be there to listen and care.


no one will believe a word i say. i’ve been laying on the floor thinking that i would surely die . . . that no one could keep enduring this . . . that pure stress, no blood was the only thing in my body . . . but every day I wake(?) up to the same miserery. i went to my doctor to get some help to sleep. i tried to tell him i was in an abusive situation, and he just told me that “marriage is difficult” and “it takes two people” and “forgiveness” is the best medicine. he finally prescriped something to help me sleep, but it was the same thing as prescribed several years earlier and it hadn’t worked for me. i tried to tell him this, but he didn’t want to hear me. while i was at this appointment i found out my H called another of my doctors to get a refill of my pain meds for himself. i went to a therapist and he told me i was too sleep deprived to talk to. he told me to call my doctor again for different sleep meds. i told him i had already tried. he just told me to get sleep and call him in 3 weeks. i called back to my doctor to get different sleep meds and they called my H at work. he finally prescriped something different, just a few pills.

i finally slept last night . . . but i’m in the same nightmare . . .

i can’t get any help. my H is diagnosed as a sociopath but no one understands what it means. everyone thinks i’m unstable. my own dr (who knows about the diagonsis won’t talk to me – but calls H at work).

i don’t know how to get a handle on things . . .

Oh, and if you feel associated shame in loving personality disordered individuals, fuggetabouit. I feel no shame, nada, zilch, zero, in loving not one, not two but at least four PDIs in the last 20+ years.

I also tolerated way too much bs, and forgave way too easily. I also allowed these men to treat me less than a dirty dish rag. I also believed these men in thinking I was ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, beneath their assumed superiority and arrogance.

Guess what? I am NOT what they would have me believe through their calculated abuse in an effort to destroy me.

I am a good, kind, loving, smart, witty, honest, compassionate, caring spirit and so are YOU!

Don’t let any man or woman rob you of the truth of yourself. You truly deserve the best that life has to offer you.

Ok, Little, I’m here…

I feel so incredibly sad for what you are suffering right now. I’m not the wisest member on LF, nor am I a professional therapist, but I’m hoping you have a friend or family members that can offer help, maybe a temporary sanctuary from your S husband?

Living with a sociopath is nasty, terrifying business as all the LF members can attest to. You’ve taken the first step by commenting on LF, now we need to see if you can maybe take the next step: finding some relief from your harrowing situation. Is there anyone that you trust that can help you?

You are in a scary place right now, and yes I DO believe every word you are writing. Emphatically. Predators can literally wreck a person’s mental, psychological, physical state to the point where we think we’re the crazy ones. Not so, Little, you are NOT crazy. Don’t believe it.

And it seems to me that you’re doctor is unfamiliar with Personality disordered people and receiving advice from him is counterproductive for you in seeking answers, help, comfort, support from your experiences. You say that he is aware of your S husbands diagnosis but he doesn’t seem to be aware of the extensive damage he is causing you. hmm.

Maybe you should locate a more compassionate, learned doctor and give this one the boot. I can’t tell you what you should do but I can offer a suggestion with the intent of helping YOU.

We are here for you, Little, and I hope you realize that we do care and we do believe anything you write as so many of us on here have lived some insane times with PDIs.

Ox Drover

Dear Little,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such stress and pain and that no one will listen to you. I am a retired advanced practice nurse, and it saddens me that your physician won’t listen to you. Is there a way you can go to another physician or a psychiatrist. Someone who WILL get it and be able to help you.

I suggest that you call a shelter for abused women, you don’t have to go there, but they will UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE YOU and be able to get you some support emotionally. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing, and that alone was used as TORTURE for prisoners of war, and if you are not a “prisoner of war” with a psychopath I could not find a better description. You have come to the right place here for support and understanding, but I think you need MORE than we can give and aren’t getting it obviously. Call the police to get the name of a shelter near you, they will know the number if it is not listed in the phone book.

Keep coming back here though and post and let us know how you are doing. The people here DO CARE and we DO UNDERSTAND cause we’ve been there. ((((hugs))))) and I will keep you in my prayers.



I agree with OxDover. Call a Women’s Shelter. You need a human being to believe you and validate what you are experiencing. They should have experience with the kinds of things you are going through.

Nothing makes me madder than that thing they do where they make us look crazy.

By the way, I would talk to the Police at this point about the situation. They do not have training with this. The Bad Man made me look crazy to a Police officer and it is quite a mind-F as we say.

Start by finding someone that believes you. You do need to leave this man before you completely self destruct.

We totally get what you are talking about. I don’t think I had it as bad as you but I recognize what you are talking about… sleeplessness, no where to turn.

Also, when you get help, it isn’t helpful to go back the the Sociopath and tell them… my therapist said…. blah blah blah about you! They don’t care and most likely he will attack you for getting help and make you feel like you have violated his trust by exposing personal problems or something whacked like that.

I am telling you think so that when he says it, you will realize it’s just part ot hte mind twisting formula… it’s not the truth.

You have a right to seek help and to rescue yourself out of this mess.

You are a person and your instincts are kicking in that you need help… this is what is right. Be prepared that whatever the S says… it’s not right even if it sounds a little bit right.. it’s not. NOT!

Hang in there….


I meant to say.. I WOULD NOT talk to the police. By that I mean, I would not tell them all that is going on or try to get them to understand.

If you leave and you need a restraining order, I believe all you have to say is “I feel unsafe.”

Best yet, when you leave, let the Women’s Shelter assist you with these things. I didn’t go to a shelter.. I got on a plane and left the state!

It worked for me!

The Women’s Shelter people will listen to you and they will also likely know doctors and therapists that know how to work with victims of a Sociopathic abuser.

Good luck Little… We do understand you.

Little? Are you there? Please feel absolutely free to express any thoughts, feelings, any of the experiences you’ve had with your S husband, if you feel comfortable enough to do so.


JaneSmith, oxdrover, alohatraveler,

i am here. thank you for responding.

i’m not sure where to turn. it scared me to death to call a shelter line . . . my H had me arressed 4 years ago (claiming domestic abuse). he withdrew his claim and the charges were dropped but i remain on a list of “abusers” in our county. after reading your posts, i tried to call 1.800 crisis and shelter numbers, but they just referred me back to my county (where, again, i’m listed as an “abuser”).

i’m truly at a loss of where to turn.

i appreciate your posts to me.

this is such a nightmare.

i’ve been married 16 years and i feel like any chances i had to leave are gone now. i don’t have a job . . . or any money . . or anyone who believes me . . .


Hey Little, we believe you.

When I finally kicked my first husband out of my life, we’d been married 16 years, the police, social services, all our friends and even my own parents took his side.

How I managed to get away I don’t even know to this day, but it happened when I started acting calm, sane, and together. I wasn’t really any of those things by that point, but I knew my despair was making me look bad.

Two things I know are crucial…. distance, and a support group. If you distance yourself from your husband, you will feel so much better and less crazy every day, you will act more like your own self, start to remember who you are, and moreover, other people will have a chance to see him for what he really is.

If you get involved with a support group, even if you have to start with this online group, you will feel better and know you aren’t alone, and that you are believed.

Thirdly Little, and I hope you take this seriously, give YOURSELF permission to get out. You don’t need anyone else to believe you right now.. you have to believe in yourself enough to give YOURSELF a chance to get out. Otherwise he will consume your very life. Gotta love yourself girl.. please get a different doc. And you might sleep better if you get the hell out of there. Go stay with a friend or a relative if you have to… I had to take 4 kids to my grandmother’s house, but it was better than being with him. Good luck girl.


Minor correction we were married 14 years when I first started getting away but it took two years to completely separate from him. I had no job either and we were both wrapped up with our small business. I had to sort of divorce the business as well.

Ox Drover

Dear Little,

Call the shelter locally, they know how the sociopaths work, and how they try to get US (you) labeled as an abuser for just defending yourself…don’t worry, call the LOCAL SHELTER and talk to them, tell them up front that your husband had you labeled and why. They have dealt with this before.

You are not a PRISONER and you have HUMAN RIGHTS. I wish I could reach out through the computer and help you, but unfortunately I can only give you advice, and I am with Aloha that you need a HUMAN BEING to validate you and help you.

The psychopaths want the victim powerless, no money, no friends, no family….so that they can keep you under their control. It may feel like you have no where to turn, but the local shelter will advise you, just be up front with them. They are your best resource now. Come back here any time and talk to us, we will be your “cheering squad” and will give you our best advice from the heart, but it’s all we can do to help you, except to pray for you and I know I can and will do that. (((hugs)))) BTW I believe in you!


Little and Kat_o_nine_tales,

Kat… this sounds like you would have the best advice for Little. I wasn’t married, don’t have kids, and didn’t have that many years with Bad Man.

All I know is that there should be someone that will understand, once they speak to Little, why there would be a record on her being an abuser. Ooooo that makes me so mad at the butt face!!!

Little, I admire your strength. People think it is a weak woman that stays with an abuser but we know that it takes so much energy to cope with what you have been through. You still have some strength in you because you are reaching out. You are in the thinking process of making a plan. It’s not easy to leave one of these guys.

I have not worked for a Women’s Shelter but I did work for a Homeless Family Shelter and I bet it has some of the same elements.. like a case manager to help you get on your feet.

Take care Little… You can do it!


Well in my experience with the women’s shelters I tried.. they suck.
They seem convinced that every woman who comes there is a brainless victim.
Anyhow, no matter who you talk to.. except for your therapist, don’t let em see you sweat. Be calm, be firm, and be committed to getting away.

Little.. if you are anything like me one thing that is holding you back is sheer inertia. I barely had the energy to get through the day back then, nevermind try to organize a move. In fact if I hadn’t been convinced he was practicing to murder me, I don’t think I would have had the guts to get out.

But in the end, if you go under by his attacks, don’t let it be because you knuckled under and didn’t fight for your rights.. you have to fight, Little, you have to demand what’s yours.


Get angry Little.. get fighting mad.. part of depression and not sleeping is holding a terrible anger in check all the time, and fighting anxiety. Get mad.. and let anger do what it’s supposed to do.. protect you from being walked on.



Please do not loose hope. Whatever you think and as alone as you may feel, there is a way out. Disregard the bars you see…they are an illusion. You are not stuck.

I’m so glad you found this site because even if it’s all you have right now, it will anchor your strength.

It sounds as though you are in a small town which undoubtedly makes things more difficult, especially if you already feel discreditable. Having no money is most definately an intimidating reality but that fact should not control your future…it is only temporary. First things first. Safety/sanity.

Oxy is right about the women’s shelter. The staff should be very aware of the many facets of abuse. They should also have a ton of resources for getting people the appropriate services they need whether it be housing, finances or counselling.

I am only familiar with how our services/systems work in Canada but can only hope if you are not from here that they are similar where you are.

I hope you will keep coming here for support.
This site is truly what kept me from loosing myself completely…which, if I hadn’t found it, would have most certainly resulted in becoming a vegetable or suicide. Noone truly understands what transpires in the clutches of this alien experience. Whether it’s mild or harsh, 3 months or 30 years in those socio clutches, the shock of living in it, through it, and suddenly realizing somehow you’ve disintegrated into dust specs… is just inconceivable to a person who has not encountered it. And that’s how the stigma goes on…the thinking that men/women are weak being in abusive realtionship. “why don’t they just leave? or…why does she/he stay?”. Aloha is so right that it is just the opposite living and enduring it….that takes bloody strength…the same strength that will propel you out.

We are here, beleive you and understand.


newworld view

little….i am so sad for you……do you have any family anywhere that you can stay with and get on your feet………if they are in the same county or another, you can still go to the womans shelter and with persistence will find a soul that DOES believe that you are being abused and isolated and will certainly realize that many spouses will accuse the other in an attempt to get the focus off themselves……….i had several police officers involved in my situation and although the first and captain of them was such a jerk and actualy immediately took the side of my ex creature and even wrote a report that i was ugly to him when i had him removed with nothing but essentials, the others were either impartial or supportive……..although he may have isolated you from family and/or friends, im sure there is someone who knows you are a good person and will elp……..if not, a church or a shelter will……….i agree your doctor and therapist are of no help….many times it takes several choices to find the right one……..frustrating, but true…….i find the courts usually are affiliated with therapists that are reasonable, less expensive, familiar with sociopathic behavior and will not turn someone away..they will try to find help for someone……..dont give up………………………additionally, until finding the right support, i have seen many people on this site……get farther along in their healing and developing strength to dig their way out of the situation…than in some that use a paid therapist……………one of the other posters mentioned to NOT tell your husband that you are seeking help…..SOOOO important….and hard to do…because they notice subtle changes and then become nice, to sucker us into believing them and sharing what we are doing…..dont fall for this, like so many of us did…………….finally, uou mentioned that he called one of your doctors and had a presription that was for you filled out for him…….i would immediately call that office and MAKE them make a note of that in YOUR chart……..that is ILLEGAL and you have put them on notice that if you want a mediction, only you are authorized to call for it…….unless you have given wrtten permission, they are NOT allowed to share any of your medical information even with a spouse…… will put some fear in tthem and i would definitely find myself a new primary physician and when finding the right compassionate one, or a nurse practitioner, tell him/her about this………………sometimes having some action to take, makes you feel stronger, and i do hope you realize all this is said because we really do care about your life

newworld view

in re reading my post it may have been confusing;;;;i understand that he had a prescription that was originally written for you, refilled in your name, but for him to use……..

Ox Drover

Dear Little,

One of the things I think that no one has mentioned that is very importnat is


Right now, you need to start to get your plan in order, calling a shelter for help is only the first step. Unless you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER FROM HIM, in which case, run out of the house, call the cops, leave even if it means sleeping on the side walk. DO NOT LET HIM HURT YOU.

Don’t give him a clue that you have any plans, though. If possible, get some money, even a dollar or two and hide it in a place you have access to it.

get your personal papers, birth certificate, social security card, etc together in an envelope and put it where you can easily get it in case you have to flee quickly. Also, if you have access to his papers and he has assets that are in his name only, wirte down to name of the banks, the account numbers, make, model and license number of all vehicles he owns, and which company he is making payments to, account numbers ect.

Put your essential personal hygeine items in a spot all together, preferably in some sort of container that can be grabbed quickly, along with any medications you routinely take.

Get a “get away” package of clothes together and put it where he will not find it, or see any sign that you have a PLAN.

Little, I know when you are depressed it seems almost too much to get the energy up to get out of bed, much less put together a plan. Everything seems hopeless, and that is what he wants you to feel. he wants you off balance so he has all the power.

Getting MAD is good, it will give you strength, but don’t let your anger cloud your judgement. Keep everything secret from him. Don’t tell a soul that he knows.

Another source of help might be to call AA or Alanon, these people also deal with abuse and might be a good resource.

If your husband is taking the drugs (pain pills) that are prescribed for you, he is taking these narcotics illegally, so it is obvious he has some sort of substance problem.

Hang on, even by your fingernails, Little. and KEEP LOOKING for some help in this situation. THERE IS SOME HELP OUT THERE FOR YOU, you just have to NOT GIVE UP! (((hugs))) and you are in my prayers.


Yes Little,
If nobody will help you.. help yourself.. keep it a secret, and be firm.
Oxy.. I mentioned anger because right now she seems to be in despair of finding anyone to believe her and give her permission to get out. I remember that feeling so well. The anger is there, have no doubt about that. But at this point I’d almost rather see her run screaming than stay there.. she is so much like me I’m afraid her husband is also setting her up to lose her life.


Thanks for the posting guidelines! It is always nice to know the rules which keeps us all safe and happy.

I too take this (written text) into consideration when posting on LoveFraud or anywhere else. Misinterpretation is very easy whenever we write our feeling and thoughts. The best intentions can and will sometimes be misunderstood. So when I do comment or reply I try hard to proofread and spell check it as much as possible. Of course time is always a factor and I do make mistakes.

One question would be is it alright to “tell” others about this site and give them the link to the site which I do all the time. For me LoveFraud is a God sent. It has so much information and yes I too have seen some very good things come out of this site. I just wish more people who need this site would be able to find it faster. There are a few “sites” that I highly promote and Lovefraud is one! I have at times also posted the link on a blog when ever I hear a “cry” for help. If these people ever come here I don’t know and believe that isn’t what is important. Anonymity sometimes is best and still other times is of great important to the writer i.e. poster which I respect greatly.

As for me James is my real name and am proud to be a part of this site!

Send this to a friend