In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Thank you Donna. I think this makes for healthy boundries.
Donna-
Thank you for this site. Thank you.
And Dr. Steve and Dr. Liane and Ms. Gallagher– not to mention all the posters. I really believe this site makes a difference and saves lives.
I cannot begin to tell you how much the words from each of you have already helped me so much. I have been involved with a sociopathic man for three years and didn’t know it until a friend sent this to me. As I read about all of your experiences I feel as if I am the person you are describing. God, I need someone to tell me I am not crazy. I can’t possibly tell the entire story of what I have been through but I want to highlight it and beg for anyone to please help me get through this nightmare. I have lived with this man on and off for three years. It started off in Aug. of 2005 and the hell and torment haven’t stopped. I have seriously tried to kill myself three times because I thought I was the most horrible person in the world. The last time was late June 2008. This jerk was angry with me because I drank too much and when he came to join me at the pool, a male neighbor was talking to me and after that, all hell broke loose. He waited until the next day to lower the boom on me, insulting me, degrading and beratting me as if I was as he called me, “a piece of shit”. No one in my life had ever talked to me like that before but he has for three years and I let him do it because he had me convinced it was me, I was the crazy one. I sat there and took his abuse and begged him to calm down and just talk to me. I tried to hold him, he shoved me away, called me horrific names. He threatened to call the police to “have me removed from his condo”. This condo was what he promised would always be my home. He’s thrown me out of “my home” more times than I can count. This time I knew I couldn’t endure another episode so I quietly went into the bedroom and swallowed a bottle of pills, everything I could find. He came after me, knew I had taken the pills, held the phone in the air and said “get your fucking ass out of here”. He called the police. I could barely walk but I managed to get to the top of the steps where I fell hitting my head on a rock. I tried to get up three times but kept falling. The police came, I was dying, he knew I had fallen and gotten hurt but he never once even walked down the steps to see if I was OK. EMT was called and I was taken to the hospital. All of the condo community was staring. I was humiliated, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed and all the while praying to die before they could pump my stomach. It didn’t work. They saved my life and thank God I am here today to beg any of you for help to not let him sweet talk me, lure me back in and hurt me again. He even had me thinking I was an alcoholic. I put this man in front of everything in my life. I let him dominate me, manipulate me and destroy me and I didn’t have a clue he was doing it. I should have seen this pattern of behavior coming. The first week we were together he left me, just left me. He didn’t come back for four days. He never called. I was crying frantically thinking something had happened to him. I was out of my mind with worry for this jerk. When he showed back up he told me he just needed time to think. He let me go through hell for five days without one tiny bit of regard for me and how I might be managing. The truth is, he didn’t care, he never loved me, not one bit and now I see it. Oh my God, I see it now. This jerk lived across the street from the hospital I was taken to and never once called to check on me, didn’t come to see me, never even asked about how I was. I am a very intelligent woman, 51 years old, a master’s degree, a professional (teacher), just retired and here I am with nothing. I am in a home I own but I have so many repairs to make. I don’t have hot water, no air and my plumbing is just about gone but thank God I am still here and by the grace of God, I will never go back to that hell again. Episodes of him getting angry and leaving for two or three weeks are almost countless. Episodes of him throwing me out are too many to count. He packs up my things in trash bags and dumps them in my x-husbands yard. He has cut up my clothes before, shoved me brusing me so bad that on one occasion the police were called in to talk to me but I refused to press charges. He has a way of getting me to do exactly what he wants and I don’t know how he did it but he did. There’s so much more to tell but if anyone could just help me be strong, I need the help and I need it desparately.
Everyone around me kept telling me what he was but I refused to heed their advice. I knew something was wrong with him but I loved him so much I would have done just about anything for him and I did. I did things against my values. I let him strip me of everything and everyone in my life. I feel like a shell and sometimes want to crawl back in and never come out but I pray to God I will continue to get help and hoopefully get better and maybe one day I will get my life back. People who have known me all my life have told me for the last three years I was only a shell of the person I used to be. I used to have confidence, respect, admiration, character and integrity and he took every bit of it. He convinced his family, friends, neighbors that I was crazy. He would push me into episodes that would so inflame me that I would just loose it. That’s when he had me. Now I see. He used all those opportunities to make me look like a crazed bitch. Hell, no wonder I drank. I never drank alcohol until three years ago and I am not drinking it now. I guess I drank to be able to ignore his abuse and dominance. I don’t know what to do or where to turn except this site. I never imagined I could be so easily fooled but I was.
Sassysarah,
Welcome to the LoveFraud fellowship. We are here to listen, support and learn from each other and I think you’ve taken the first triumphant step towards your healing: realizing the man you love/loved was a cunning, manipulating, deceiving predator with only his self centered, selfish desires paramount in his mind.
You’re story is heartbreaking and I personally flinched reading each and every word. I cannot express how truly sorry I am for you being treated with such disrespect, such malicious abuse. I can firmly state that you never deserved any of the abuse inflicted upon you. Never.
Please take the time to read the articles and personal stories on LoveFraud in an effort to begin the slow, yet eventual path to healing and recovery.
We are here for you, Sassysarah, and we do sincerely care for your health and welfare. Vent, rant, rave, cry your beautiful eyes out. We won’t judge, we won’t condemn nor criticize you, but only be there if you need to talk.
Jane, thank you so much for your encouraging words. They made me cry. I almost feel guilty to have anyone even be nice to me. I am so confused. I don’t know how he did this to me and I am not sure I can walk on but I do want to. I really do. It’s like he robbed me of my whole life, everything I had and was. It’s gone, all of it. I used to be so strong. How can such a shallow jerk do this to an intelligent woman? I don’t understand. I am in torment all the time and it is killing me. I hate myself because even after leaving me to die on more than one occasion, I still am afraaid he’ll find a way to get me back and I don’t want that to happen. I am so weak right now. You guys have had some time, all of this just hit me in the face. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put a name on it. I can certainly say that now, I can.
Also, I have been reading how some of you want to strike back at your S. So do I. When I would strike back, he made me feel like the most horrible person in the world when I talked to him, like everything was my fault. I did strike back and I don’t regret it now. He is so evil, he had it coming. Yet I know that striking back still ties me to him and I need to stop that entire thought process. He isn’t worth it. I know I need to move on and I want to. I know to avoid all contact but there is so much I want to say to him. Again, though, after reading all of these blogs I understand that even if I had the opportunity to tell him what I want to tell him, it would do no good. He isn’t capable of seeing himself as being wrong and he would only take what I said and make me think it was all because of me, that it was all my fault. Oh my God, I have been on this site all night and all day and I am blown away. Why didn’t I recognize this sooner?
Sassysarah,
I surely did not wish to make you cry, but I can understand implicitly that yearning for simple human kindness and when it is given with no ulterior motives whatsoever, it feels wonderful, doesn’t it?
And I will link a few powerful, valuable articles that I hope you read. And the comments are also wonderful, inspirational and healing:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/05/09/anxiety-an-inevitable-outcome-of-involvement-with-a-sociopathpsychopath/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/05/12/the-verbal-attacks-of-the-sociopath/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/06/02/passing-through-the-hatred-and-rage-at-the-sociopaths-betrayal/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/04/25/ask-dr-leedom-how-can-i-move-on/
If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with the surplus of information, knowledge added to your already overwrought precious heart, just take your time. You don’t need to rush anything.
Simply take deep, full, pleasing breaths and be extra, extra gentle with yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up any more than you’ve already been beat up. You’re a good, wonderful, loving, intelligent woman who had the dismal misfortune to fall in love with a predator.
Bless you, SS, I will say a special prayer just for you tonight. *big cyber hug for you*
Seems I’ve broken Rule #4, Donna.
Forgive me as desparate times call for comfort and consideration.
You hit the nail on the head when you said I yearned for simple, human kindness given unconditionally. I have only had that from my precious children. I have four and they are so wonderful, successful and good. One is a professional football player that beat the hell out of this guy but I still continued with him. What hurts me so much now is that this jerk was able to make me think my kids hated me. Nothing could be further from the truth. When I am not with him, they want me with them all the time but they saw through him way before I did. They hate him, HATE him for all he has done to me and somehow I chose him over them. I am so ashamed to say that but I have to. I was so absorbed into him that I thought I could do the impossible and make everyone love each other. Wow!! What a joke. I almost lost my kids forever. They were so much smarter than me. They refused to have anything to do with him because of how he treated me, left me to die, literally walked over me, trashed me, abused me, ruined me. They were right all along. What I don’t understand is how I couldn’t see it. Why didn’t I see it?