In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
To DonnaC1218,
I hope I wasn’t too harsh in my posts above. Sometimes when I read them later, I wonder if the “tone” was interpreted differently than I meant it.
One of the things I find most tragic about these bad characters is when they prey upon married people. I am sure than many marriages there were in a rough patch or getting boring have been torn apart by an opportunistic Sociopath.
It’s always easy for us to look at your story and see it as just a list of bad behaviors that you feel for but we really do know that all of this happens in slow motion and when it is youre heart involved, it is harder to see what is happening.
We all want to be swept off our feet… well, I don’t want that anymore but at one time, I thought that was what I was looking for. I can easily imagine being in a marriage, having it get a little boring, and then meeting someone handsome and excitng and suddenly feeling totally alive and falling for their empty promises.
You are new here and I am sure you haven’t read my story… bits and pieces are scattered about LF. It was a big drama of it’s own. I was chasing my tail just as much at the next person. My Bad Man was more of an abuser type. A little less sunshine and roses in my “story.”
The thing is, like Oxy said, these pathological partners really are very predictable once you know what it is you are looking at.. but of course, when all of this happened to you.. you didn’t know.
I am not sure if I am making sense. It’s late.
Hang in there DonnaC. It’s wonderful that you are here at LF. After sharing your story, I can assure you, this is your place.
Good night… :o)
My dear dear Aloha,
In my obviously INEPT way, I was trying to tell you how much I ADMIRE YOU,, AND YES YOU DO HAVE FANS AND I AM ONE OF THEM!!! You have posted so many great essays here and they are wonderful, and the advice you have given people is so right on! I think my twisted humor comes across, or DOESN’T come across as the case may be, (LOL) as I intend it to.
You my dear dear friend, and I hope I may call you that, because that is sure what I feel for you in my heart, are ONE of THE most courageous people I have met here on love fraud. And, believe me, there are some stupendously courageous people here at LF.
Thanks Oxy.
Our humor does get lost sometimes via this type of communication. If we are all together we would be able tsee eachother winking and laughing at all the right moment.
I couldn’t tell for sure what you meant so I was checking myself, just incase… keeping in mind our last fiasco. :o)
Have an excellent day!
Dear Aloha,
If I ever see a need to scold you, I will do you like I did our dear Henry, I will “threaten” you with my OTHER cast iron skillet…the “woman tamer” –I just about wore out the “man tamer” skillet on Henry’s head! LOL
I sure do miss Henry’s posts. I hope he is doing well. I keep him in my prayers.
He will be back. I am sure. :o)
Hi all LF peeps,
I did something that may be construed as foolish by you folks, but I did it anyway.
I’ve been cloistered in my house for the past week getting over a nasty bladder infection. The meds I’m taking make me susceptible to sunshine, so…lot’s of reading and movie watching.
Anyway, I became curious. And curiosity is sometimes dangerous to our mental stability as we can all attest to. I went to the X Music Man’s my space page that he created for his ex bands. I clicked on his friends page and saw a picture of him and a red haired girl. Well, I clicked on her profile and saw pics of her and him.
She is cute as a button and only 25 years old. He is 37. Yes, it hurt to see him and her smiling together, but I know it’s only an illusion. His face didn’t cause me to yearn or long for him. In fact, he looked sort of rough and sickly. Probably looked that way the 5 months we were together, but I was bewitched and beguiled by his humor, musical talent, and supposed decency. You know, the carefully crafted illusion they create for each and every woman?
I wrote her a message explaining to her that he is a danger to her heart, mind and soul. I told her I’m not bitter, furious, vengeful over his deceptions and manipulations but I was only sending her a warning to protect herself.
I also said I can’t stand the man and I never want to see his ugly face again or he will face the consequences of his rash actions. Whatever I mean by that is left to be decided…by me.
I cried after sending that message, for her, for me, for all of you. I was so shaky, so sad that he could still elicit intense feelings from me. Guess I hit that spot where I thought I was done but making contact rehashed our turbulent history.
This was a man who professed to truly love me then less than 24 hours later told me to quit..’f***ing calling’ him because I had confronted him for his insensitive, arrogant tone. He then sent me a txt message saying..’If you create problems by coming here, it will be a mistake. You will pay.’
Ok, his threat did not send me shaking with fear, but hurt tremendously. And then the fury set in and I was lost for a time in that whirlwind.
But after crying and having a wee pity party (which I detest in myself) I pleaded to the Lord to offer me guidance and strength and to forgive me for my multitude of sins. After a while I felt a sense of peace envelop me and I went to sleep.
I think I’m a little depressed from being sick and trapped in the house for a week. I haven’t been able to exercise which alleviates quite a bit of anxiety and stress.
Thanks for listening. This is the only place in the universe (besides prayers) where healing is possible. Not only from psychos but from any of my ills and woes.
Peace, love and joy
And what’s with that stupid myspace website anyway? Why is it so popular? It’s setup is annoying and pointless. It’s just a big vanity trip for people. A way to see yourself and all your likes and dislikes, your little quizzes about how wonderful you are, and your current music tastes. I’m clueless as to it’s appeal. Especially for grown men and women.
Except for Southernman, my space provides him an avenue to spread the Word. Along with love and joy. Good on you, Southernman!!
WOW…you are all SOOOO knowledgeable, it’s amazing and refreshing. To touch on a few points, the most recent first. MySpace…it’s been dramatic and horrifying at times, but being a former military brat and also moving throughout the state and changing jobs, I have found a great deal of friends through the site. We exchange emails and go from there. I am also able to share pics of my family to my friends without having to know HTML language to any great extent. I am slowly learning that there are GOOD ways to use the site, as well as the wrong ways. The whole mood and status stuff just bothers me. Fortunately, I am learning to not bother looking at “the new girl”‘s page, as I am trying to heal. My X used to say that I went looking for drama on her page and caused the anxiety and paranoia all on my own. The truth is, I was correct. I found horrible similarities in my actions with my husband and X’s with me. I would tell my husband anything to avoid the truth about how I felt about my X (current at the time). I am not trying to gain sympathy, I swear. I admit, my self-esteem is completely shot, but that is my doing for the most part. My husband was a victim. The X was an offender. I was BOTH. Oh, so some thing that makes it easier to understand both sides. YES, it does, and that’s confusing as hell. I know my husband is a great dad, good provider, etc… I know I was once attracted to him, I DO realize that. Some stuff is hard to handle. He is 12 years older than I am (I am 35, he is 47). He is shorter than me, heavier, bald. He says his skin gets dry if he showers more than once every 3 days, which, to someone who showers twice a day, is hard to take. In the bedroom, let’s just say his is NOT well endowed. Now, I am NOT trying to bash him, I am simply trying to understand my own insecurities and what made me stray. The X gave me an engagement ring, whether he felt that he would marry me, I don’t know. I tried to rationalize it, such as being the only woman other than his wife who ever GOT a ring, and hers was cubic zirconia, mine is real. The fact that the women in his life who have been victims ALL had children and ALL lived in the same general area as he did. I had NO children with him and lived 2700 miles away. Am I making excuses? Trying to justify myself? At least one good thing happened. I have no contact. His cell phone was shut off for non-payment. (sigh…)
Oh, one more thing…haha.
I’ve been so pathetically ill that I watched the complete Lord of the Rings trilogy AND the Matrix series. About 9 hours each set. Now, this is a woman who has no cable, no satellite as I don’t ever watch tv. But I curled up in my bed watching my beloved fantasy and sci fi flix continuously.
As I was watching the LOTRs, I was thinking…’wow, these folks have it a hell of lot worse than I do, what with cannibalistic orks, an evil wizard who chops down majestic trees, and an orange/red ginormous evil eye wishing to destroy any and all goodness in Middle Earth’.
Now, I’m blatantly aware that this is fiction. I read Tolkien’s books when I was 12 years old and a fondness for fantasy/action adventure was born. I’m a nerdy gal, I told ya’ll…haha.
But the bravory, heroics, the honor, the duty, the tremendous love for all that is beautiful and good in the world struck a cord with me.
JaneSmith……
I agree with you that much that is on Myspace and Youtube are not positive, nor would I even let my son be involved with it…..most of it is trash.
Funny thing……
When I first went on Myspace a couple of years ago, my intent was to network and perhaps meet some new people. At that time, I had recently come to the Lord. I created my page with my interests, cars, music, movies etc….
A few months later, I was baptised in front of 5000 people, and everything changed. I was overwhelmed by the love of Jesus, and wanted to know more about Him and the Father. I was convicted to change my life and along with that, my Myspace page. I removed all the things that I had created there and started anew. I included inspirational thoughts and quotes…. images of love and compassion. I began to write blogs and post bulletins concerning healthy choices, healing and thoughts….. As with all aspects of my life, I began to transform and evolve into someone completly different then before….. through that wonderful transfirmation, something amazing happened….. people from all over the world came to me.. wrote to me.. asked for prayer and support…. at first, I was shocked… I was only a “baby” christian….but that didn’t matter to God. He was using me to spread His word and love. I can’t begin to to you how many people would write to me, telling me how a blog I wrote, ora bulletin I posted changed their thinking, or gave them inspiration in a time of trial in their life….. They would ask me how I knew they needed to read what I wrote on that particular day….. I would always write back and tell them… “I didn’t know, but God did”…. I am a vessel for Him to use to communicate his love for them….I have made many friends through Myspace… people who have lifted me up.. people who have been abused and are wise and loving and nurturing… much like it is here…..
I can honestly say, that if I hadn’t fallen prey to a sociopath, I wouldn’t have gone on Myspace…. I wouldn’t have become a christian….I wouldn’t have made “true” friends who genuinely care for me and love me, for they see Christ through me. I wouldn’t have grown, to evolve into the man that God always wanted me to be……. I am still growing, maturing and that is so exciting to me….. All of this because I fell in love with a disturbed woman………it is the proverbial making good out of bad, and God did that…. He fulfilled one of the many promises in my life.
So, on a whim, I go to Myspace.. just goofing around on the internet…. and God used it and me to create a healing place… a place to glorify Him and the virtues that God stands for………. I am always so humbled by it all, and so very thankful.
Glory be to Him,
~R~
Crown of Love at Myspace
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429