In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Dear dear sweet Janie,
Sweet Jane you are so strong and so wonderful, and it makes me know that if you of all people can “fall” then we all must be careful. I try so hard to be strong, to do what I know is right, and sometimes it is just so darned HARD to do. The fantasy is so appealing when you want to be loved for who you are so badly. I’m still working through the “loss” of my fantasy of my mother’s love–thank goodness I think I am over (notice I said I THINK) the x-BF-P, and I also think with the other Ps, but still is hard about my mom.
I am so glad you are feeling better now and feeling stronger. When the body gets sick our emotions get weaker and more to the surface too. I have figured that one out. And, vice versa, if we are in chaos emotionally or mentally our body will also get ill. Mind and body are ONE.
Thanks for sharing with us, Janie, it makes me feel better to know I am not alone in “letting down my guard” sometimes and just being “human.” ((((Janie)))))
BTW Aloha, I am PRESIDENT of your FAN CLUB—but to me a friend is much much more than “just a fan” (((Aloha))))
DonnaC,
You described your husband as not really appealing in many ways, and I can definitely understand that. But let me tell you a little bit about my late husband. When he was young he was a heck of an athelete, but as he aged, (he was 72 when he died) he got a paunch, and he had always had a huge nose, amost like a probiscus, but you know, BECAUSE I LOVED HIM, I saw him as the sexiest man in the entire universe. It was love that made him handsome. It was the fact that he treated me with love, consideration and respect.
Now, don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect. He was an engineer and they are NEVER satisfied with anything the way it IS, they always want to “improve” on things, and I am more or less an “uppity” woman and we butted heads plenty on various subjects—long and loud. I never did convince him that he was NOT improving on building barbed wire fences, and now the fences he built are all falling down and have to be rebuilt, and the ones that I built are still strong and straight. We argued about that til I was blue in the face and finally gave up.
But when the evening was quiet we would sit and hold hands, and there was never a day of our marriage when we were apart that we didn’t talk on the phone for HOURS. Back before all the “free” long distance calls our phone billls ran into the HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS A MONTH because we wanted to “be with” each other that to us it was worth it, no matter what it cost.
My husband was 15 years older than me, and frankly, he wasn’t a “stud” in bed either, but it was always wonderful because he “made love” to me, not “fvcked” me.
And I wasn’t the only woman attracted to him, every female from 6 to 96 was “enamored” of him because he made them feel wonderful, beautiful, and desirable. He was a charming man, and his lack of “hunk-status” never stopped him from being a desirable man to me and lots of other women. When he married me he had his choice of several women, many of them 10 yrs younger than me, and much better looking, but he picked ME because he loved me for me. I returned that love. Even when I was no longer the “girl” he had known when I was a kid (we had been friends for 20+ yrs when we got married) he still thought I was beautiful and made me feel beautiful.
Sure, it is easy to fall “out of love” with someone, and start to see them in a less than alluring light, a relationship takes WORK, hard work. It takes realizing that love has to be “fed” just like a cat or a dog, or it will slowly wither away and die.
The “red hot” sex we have with the Ps may be exciting and desirable short term but that is all it is is sex for them at least. Believe me sex with someone who treats you like crap begins in the end to not be so exciting and desirable when they have just emotionally or physically beaten the crap out of you. But making love to someone you love and who truly loves you is much much more satisfying to the soul and the heart in the end. The BIGGEST and MOST IMPORTANT “SEX ORGAN” IN THE HUMAN BODY IS BETWEEN THE EARS.
This is my opinion only. I believe that the P/S, take the time to please you in the bedroom because this is what they do to trap you. They have learned that the best way to get you is to please you. They watch and they listen. It’s about the sex.
The good man on the other hand, may be quick to the draw and quick to shoot so to speak, but he on the other hand spends more time listening to you, getting to know what pleases you in all aspects of your life because he truly cares about you and your needs.
If I have a choice, I would would rather have “quick draw McGraw” and have him hold me all night long and genuinely care about me then to have had “great” sex with a P and have him running out the door as quick as he can pulling up his boxers and kicking his shoes out the door cuz he just can’t wait to get away.
My dear friends, Oxy and Southernman…
You are a true wonder and delight for me and I cherish you both and all others on here so, so very much.
Our Merciful Lord has blessed us with all these tiny, but potent miracles in our own lives, hasn’t he?
Wow….just wow….is all I can say sometimes as I am overwhelmed by His beautiful love, strength and wisdom. 🙂
Yes, Oxy sweets, I am at times a vulnerable, fragile human woman.
I wouldn’t wish it any other way. How would I create my gloomy, yet hopeful and inspirational poetry if I was always chipper? *smile*
Our quirks, our foibles, our warts cause us to be endearing to each other. **hug**
Dear Perky,
AMEN! to you, Sister, RIGHT ON!!! Say Hallelujah
Ah, yes, Janie, that “gloomy, yet hopeful” poetry—I started wrting that when I was 15! I still write it but only when I am gloomy and down—I paint when I am UP. I sing when I’ve had one too many (fortunately that is only once or twice a year!) There is something about alcohol that makes me want to sing, and my friends all make sure I don’t have that “extra” drink that brings on the singing because once they have heard it, they never ever want to hear it again. LOL I also think I can dance too when that happens, but at least the dancing isn’t as grating on the ears of the audience! LOL
I think the last time I had three drinks in a row (that’s plenty to make me want to sing) was at my son’s birthday part two or three years ago! But I guess the consolation for being a “cheap drunk” is that it makes me a “happy” one!
Golly, gee, though, Jane, I sure miss Henry! Who am I going to “threaten” with my “man tamer” skillet? James and Southernman are both so great already I don’t have to “keep’em in shape”—(sniff) I sure do miss Henry! and I hope Aloha is right and he will come back to us in the future. I do understand him needing to get off the internet for a while.
It is amazing to me how I can feel so close, really close, to so many people here at LF that I will never probably ever get a chance to meet in the flesh to give them a REAL hug! and a high five!
Funny that, Perk…
I have only had 2 psycho bfs who were good lovers. Or maybe not so exceptionally talented, but amorous and always “up for the act”.
The most loving, devoted, considerate, tender lovers I had were my 2 long lasting relationships with GOOD, decent, conscientious, truly loving men.
The rest were selfish and boring, in a hurry, clueless.
Um…I sound like a slut I know, but these are lovers over an extended period of time. 20 years, not 5 or 10….haha.
Yes, I read his comment about hightailing from the interwebby for a while. I think he feels so incredibly fragile yet to the temptations and hazards of online chat sites.
That glorious fella will not be able to stay away long. He’s just like us, Oxy: loyal, compassionate, and devoted.
Ya know, if you miss him, just go back and reread his lovely, sweet comments. That’s what I do with Lilygirl, LilOrphan, Free, etc..
I respect the connections I’ve made while sharing on LF, so I revisit past comments to keep the folks’ spirit alive in me. *huggles*
I am still worried about Little, the postings there concerned me, does anyone know what happened, is this person okay?
Donna-
I laughed at your last line….cell phone disconnected!
See someone can stop psychos!
Just a bit of silliness….as far as your husband….the attraction did not most likely disappear you took it for granted, people do. How about giving him a bath? I am serious that can be sexy. How about trying to pretend he’s the one you want.
Think about how loving he is being. He’s the one holding the family together right now. And you both need to work on the marriage. Stay No Contact.